Raindrops

Can you believe that I actually took a few days from blogging? Yeah, I know! Strange for me lately huh? Well have no fear, I am back! And back with a vengeance! (Insert evil laugh here)

The past few days have been sunny and busy! Two things that I needed in my life in order to keep my little peanut brain from going into overload and burning out even more on me than it already is. Although I still feel behind and lost in school, I think I may just be back on track for the most part which is a comfort within it's own. I was doing so good this year about making sure I did my homework and studying as soon as I got home from my classes instead of waiting until the night before class the following week to worry and start on things... and although I am still not up to par on everything like I was in the beginning of this semester, I am trying my hardest to get back to where I need to be. I actually had a thought of maybe dropping this semester and trying it again next semester with everything going on right now... Why? Well for one, missing 3 weeks worth of classes definitely put me behind, and even though I am now back in class, it's almost as if I am there physically but my mind is somewhere else. I do good for the first 30-45 mins with staying focused and on task, but after that it seems as if my mind turns on and I start thinking only about my brother... and once that happens, it's over. I can't tell you a single thing the teacher said to me or who was sitting next to me for that matter once I get Derek on my mind. Now that I believe I am semi caught up with it, I do believe I am going to push through this and make it happen and not be a quitter. Derek would have a cow if he ever thought I quit at anything in life and I am not about to start giving up and quitting on him now. He was so proud that I was back in school and would always refer to when I got pregnant in high school, everyone thought that was the end of my future but I picked a fight and I won it... and look at me now, working on my 2nd degree. And when he would say this to me, it always made me feel like I did prove everyone wrong about their assumptions of me and that I did prove to the world I was not your stereotypical teenage mom. So with that conversation, and the feeling it brings back to me to think of it, I CAN, I WILL, and I AM going to finish school. And not only will I do all 3 of those, I WILL do my best on top of it!

Kudos for the sunshine 'eh?!? Call me crazy, I don't care but I actually did lay in the bed and ask Derek to see what he could work out with the big guy upstairs about bringing some sunshine into my life... true story! And the next 2 days were absolutely beautiful!!! I know that most of you are thinking "big deal the weatherman told us it was going to be"... but keep in mind you little dwellers that the weatherman messes up more often than not when it comes to the weather! And don't try to deny it either because you know that I am right! :) And regardless of whether or not a man could read the screen and tell us what the next few days hold, I do believe he is not the one that created those days of sun so him reading a screen does not make him a participant in this beautiful weather. My brother on the other hand, who has the main hookup when it comes to things right now, I believe did have something to do with it. Besides, anytime I ever needed anything at all, Derek always made sure it happened for me so why in the world would I all of a sudden start believing that he would be any different about it? Exactly.. I'm not.

With the sun being out, and weather pretty enough to finally wear my new rosette sandals, I was out and about the other day with no destination. I had the window's down, and was listening to a cd that Derek had burned that said "waiting for the sunshine" that was filled with some uplifting oldies, and of course a few johnny cash songs, and was driving around aimlessly in his car enjoying the day. And while I was driving, I had a scent of him hit me in the car. Strange because the window's were down and you would think that would just let all of the gas guzzling, smoke blowing trucks fumes into the car with me.. but while I was sitting at a red light, I had the strongest scent of my brother come over me. I could smell him. The way he smelled when I hugged him! And after sitting there and taking it in with everything I had in me, and actually rolling the windows up as quick as I could for fear of losing it, I drove over to a parking lot to sit for a minute. As I pulled into the parking lot, I pulled into the back parking spaces and put the car in park and sat there crying for what seemed like an eternity, but I believe it was probably only about 3 minutes. And while sitting there having my moment, I spoke out loud and said "Derek, I just wish I knew for sure you were with me. People tell me you are, but I wish I knew for sure. When you were here with me, I could see you and hear you and know it. I feel it, but I want to know it." And after saying that I for some reason looked over to my left, and saw a cloud. A rainbow cloud. Literally. There was no rainbow in the sky below it, and no extension of the rainbow in the sky above it. It was just that one single cloud that was the brightest rainbow you can imagine. And as I sat there and stared at it, within a minute or two, it vanished. It was then just the same cloud but with no rainbow. And, I smiled. Derek had shown me that he was there. He did just as I asked, and proved it to me to let me see it, and to let me know it. And the irony of this rainbow cloud is that Derek always told me that after every storm there is a rainbow. No matter what was going on in my life, that was the phrase that he used to assure me that everything would work itself out and that I would be okay. He actually started telling me that when I was a little girl and he would be forced to watch The Wizard of Oz with me over and over until my tape finally wore out to the point you could no longer tell where ToTo was due to the tracking lines that would not clear out from the screen. And on the day of Derek's graveside service, it was pouring rain and the preacher mentioned something I had wrote to Derek that said "you were the reason I smiled on rainy days", and then went into the fact that "after every storm, there is a calm. A calm where a rainbow comes out". Pretty much the same thing Derek always said to me, but the preacher didn't know that it was the phrase Derek would say to me.... which in fact at that moment of sitting in that chair, looking down at a marble urn that said 'Derek Adam Byrd', I couldn't help but feel it was Derek talking to me and using the preacher as his messenger to tell me that everything will be okay. And back to the day of the rainbow cloud... after the cloud was no longer the rainbow, I sat there and thought and thought and thought some more. What were the odds that I would be sitting at that red light and get a scent of my brother so strong that it made me pull into a random parking lot? What are the odds that out of the entire parking lot, I pulled and parked into the space that allowed me to be able to see that cloud over the building so precise? And what are the odds of nothing at all grabbing my attention to make me look over to left, but I did..for just because? And what are the odds of when looking to my left instead of noticing the people walking and the cars driving by, my eyes went straight to a cloud instead? And what are the odds of me seeing a rainbow cloud that only lasted a matter of a minute or two? And the odds of it being a rainbow after me asking Derek to show me he is here with me, and it also being what he used to say to me? Those are not odds. It was Derek. Derek showing me he is with me, and showing me that he still loves and thinks of me just as much as I do him. And people may think I am crazy for believing this, and may think that I am taking every little thing in life to the extreme and relating it to him, and that is fine if they think that. But in my heart, I know different and that is all that matters to me. If this is the way I have to believe and feel in order to survive this thing I called life right now, so be it. If it is what will make me still see the many blessing I do have around me still, I will do it. And I will believe in it 100%!

This morning has been a rough one. There is no sun. Just darkness. Almost to the point to where I could literally turn a lamp on and it's only 10:30 am. Rainy and yucky. And Trenton is at his Daddy's for the weekend, and it is David's Saturday to work, so there is nothing to occupy my mind but myself which is a scary thought within itself. I dreamed about Derek again last night and as soon as I woke up this morning, I have had him weighing on my heart and mind extremely. I loved my brother so much, and I know that he loved me but I sit here and think that I should have told him even more. We talked everyday, and said we loved each other every day, but it feels like that wasn't enough. Would I feel this way if we had been able to have another 50 years together and something happened? I think so... at least that is what I want to believe that way I can assure myself that I am not just being irrational about this to myself. I would give everything I own in order to talk to him just one more time. To hear him. To see him. Is it wrong of me to get angry when people tell me he is in a place where he is not suffering? Suffering? Derek wasn't suffering. Derek was 33 years old and full of life. It's not like he had a terminal illness and was just laying there suffering. To hear people tell me that, I literally just want to tell them to shut up and that they have no idea what they are talking about. No, I don't. And no, I won't. I do understand that people have an awkwardness in themselves about it being everyone knows there is nothing you can say or do to make someone feel better when something like this happens... I've been there before when it has came to things happening to friends and stuff... but sometimes, its better to just not say anything at all than to say something absurd like that. And I guess one thing that has came about of all of this has been the fact that I have seen who the true friends in my life are. Some are one's I never actually realized, and others aren't the ones that I thought they were. I guess I could be thankful for seeing this now, instead of later down the road after more time and effort is spent towards them on a one sided deal... its obvious I have more than one thing to work out in my mind right now.

Not sure if I mentioned it before or not, but I got my teardrop necklace. It's a silver teardrop and inside of it there are some of Derek's ashes in it. I haven't taken it off since receiving it. And won't. And I also got a mini urn that is about 4 inches tall that is pewter and silver, and it has some of his ashes, along with a lock of his hair in it. Mom didn't get one of those because she couldn't stand the thought of having it (she has her own thoughts and feelings about all of this she is dealing with) and knowing it was Derek in it and that is actually why his ashes were buried, but it helps me to know I do have a piece of him forever.

Since this blog has turned into a depressive one, I will do you the honor of stopping here. Hopefully Derek will work something out with his hook up in heaven for the sun to come back out for all of us. I know everyone has been enjoying this weather and we all needed it! And hopefully it will happen sooner than later because I am not for sure how long I will mentally be able to handle this rain, and drear in the air like today. I've only been awake for a little over 2 hours and it seems as if I am ready for this day to already be over with. So in order to hurry it along, I do believe I will try and clean out the spare room and at least do something productive all the while my mind is racing to a finish line that does not exist.