Although I have considered constructing a new blog for the past few days, there just really hasn't been anything that has came to mind to really write about. I guess you could say, I have been in one of those "blah" moods for the past week even though our weather has been amazing. And of course, now it is back to winter and according to the weather channel, it is going to be this way for a while before it ever warms back up again. Just great huh? Not exactly what this "blahness" in me needs but what can I do? Move to a tropical paradise? Um, yes please!
For the past few days, not that it is out of the ordinary, but I have really had my brother on my mind. Everything I see, everything I do, everything I think of is something that has to do with him. I see something and it reminds me of him, I do something and it reminds me of something we used to do together, and everything I sit and think about is him. The other night I was the only one still up and all I could sit and think about was how I would give anything to be able to talk to him again. At least just one more time and I'd settle for it only being 2 minutes. But in those 2 minutes, I'd assure him of how much I love him, over and over. I tell him all the time, but it's not the same. There is no comparison really.
Often, I wonder why when people ask me how I am, I say I'm okay when really I am not. Why is it so hard for me to admit that everything isn't okay and that I am not sure that it will ever be? Is it because I think they feel obliged to ask or else it would be rude, and to keep the conversation from getting awkward and from me getting upset, I fake a smile and say I'm okay? Or is it the fact that I am scared to admit how I truly feel and have to accept that within myself? Kind of like if I finally admit to it, then it is real. Yes, its my fault for lieing to people but at the same time, I wonder if they truly ever knew me, how could they possibly for a second believe that I am okay when I say it? Some know and see through the lies and fake smiles, but others, they are oblivious to the truth of the way I feel.
Then of course you have the friends that keep assuring you that they are there for you, which you know they are not because they have never been there for you before other than to be one of the first people to quickly bring you up in order to talk about you and to compare and contrast how great they are compared to you. It takes everything in me for me not to tell them to go to hell and shut up, and then hang up the phone. They even ask "do you think I am a good friend and that I am here for you?" WHAT? why would you have to ask what I think if you were truly a good one, you would know it. People are really starting to get under my skin. Not just friends. Just people in this world in general. And no, I am no referring to all of my friends because there have been a very select few, but they know who they are that have been by my side through thick and thin. Not just during this horrible milestone in my life, but every other thing good and bad. And for them, I am truly thankful. Yes, I have a bad habit of not really calling people back in general, and more so now because I have somehow managed to seclude myself these past couple of weeks more so than ever, but I know when I do call, our conversations will pick up right where we left off. I am always there for them, but being I don't call often, I can see why some would assume that I am not. So, with that being said, that is something that I myself am going to work on from here on out. Calling and visiting and reminding them that I am there for them the same as they are for me. We may all know it, but every now and then a good reminded never hurts. A pat on the back if you would like to refer to it as....
Trenton. The love of my life! The twinkle in my eye! That little boy just does something for my heart like no other person in this world. I look at him and automatically have the biggest rush of overwhelming love come across me. He is my reason for being. My reason for hope in the future. I mean, I look at that little guy and wonder sometimes how anybody could possibly look at their child and not believe in God? He is the most precious gift I have ever been given, and something I would never take advantage of. It kills me how some mothers are towards their kids. I don't know how in the world they can lay down and sleep at night and not any remorse about it. If I have to scold Trenton with a stern voice, I feel guilty at times. Of course with him being the most tender hearted little boy you've ever seen, and also being a very well behaved one at that, me having to use a stern voice does not happen often, so when it does, it tears his and my heart both into pieces. For instance, the other night he was in a very rowdy mood. Yes, he runs around playing and is full of laughter every day, but he was just right out hyped up and as rambunctious as an 8yr old can get that night. After telling him to calm down and get ready for bed numerous times and him still running wide open, and it being way past his bedtime, I got frustrated and scolded him and told him to get in the bed. Well, you would think that I just burned his toy collection when I said that to him. He instantly started crying and said "mommy, you just hurt my feelings" Naturally, then my feelings were hurt at the thought of hurting his feelings. No, not at the fact that it was past bed time and I was making him go to bed but because he is so not used to me raising my voice in the least little bit. Trenton is the type of kid that I can talk to him and explain things to him, and that is where it ends. I don't have to spank him or yell at him. I talk to him the same as I would if it were an adult sitting beside of me. Always have been that way with him. So for me to even raise my voice in a tone that is hateful in the least bit, it throws us both off guard. If you know me well, then you will know where exactly I am coming from with this statement, and you will know exactly what I am referring to, but Trenton and I have a relationship that is different. Me being a single mother and it just being the 2 of us as a team for 7 years has given us a bond that is indescribable. And to the part that you will know what I mean, I feel like the poor little guy has had it rough in a lot of ways, and to think that I hurt his feelings and add to any of that, breaks my heart. It seriously gives me a complex. I don't want to be a part of what he may possibly grow up to resent. Yes, I am sure you all are wondering what in the world I am talking about, and thinking I am just talking crazy.. but like I said, those of you who know me, know where I am coming from on this. And that is where I will leave that thought before I really start to sound silly.
Speaking of Trenton getting upset... he has had some issues in the past few months with not wanting to get his homework done, and not getting his worksheets done in class. None of us get it because he is in all of the advanced classes and knows the work like the back of his hand but he insists that he does not need to do his worksheets because he already knows them. Honestly, sometimes I do get his point behind it, but at the same time, it's something he has to do and has to learn that he has to do whether or not he thinks he needs to or not. So having these issues with the homework, the other night he had came to me out of the blue and said "mama, I just think I'm gonna do my homework now." I was ecstatic! He was eager to do it and wasn't going to give anyone a hard time on it. So he got his backpack out, opened his folder, and instantly his facial expression just changed. I literally sat there and watched his little heart just fall to the ground. When he went to get his folder out, there was no folder. He had left his homework folder and his agenda that I am to sign every night at school. As I seen his face change, then the tears started to come. Now these tears weren't a whining type of tear, they were true tears of disappointment and discouragement. Naturally, I had him come to me and get up in my lap to try and comfort him and find out why he was so upset, and while doing this he said "Now I will have 4 pages for study hall. I already have 2 from last week because I didn't get them done in class, and now I will have 4 and I won't get to play at recess. I just wanted to try hard so I could get to play since you said it's going to be pretty outside tomorrow." When he told me that, I felt so sorry for the little guy! Here he was putting for the effort, and it was ruined straight off the bat before he even made it to the classroom the next day. So, whats mommy's do? They always come up with a solution to try and fix the problem. I told him that if he got up earlier than usual, and got up when I told him to, we would leave the house early to go inside his classroom to get his work and take it back out to the car in order for him to get to finish it. Of course I had to explain to him that this would also mean that he would have to miss his morning of Pokemon, but he agreed and to bed we went. The next morning, I made sure I got up and ready in time, and he did the same without wanting to sleep later, and off to the school we went. As we got to his classroom, his teacher was there and even asked what he was doing there so early, and Trenton explained to her, and then he asked her if he could possibly try to get his other 2 pages done that was supposed to be done in study hall so that he could have a clean slate. To his surprise, she agreed. And on our way to the car, Trenton said "mama, I am just doing these 2 study hall papers first because I told Mrs. Richardson that I would get them done if she gave me the chance and I need to make sure that I keep my word so she can believe me when I tell her something right?" Talk about a proud mommy moment!! I just thought that was so grown up of him to think that way and to know that when you give someone your word, you are supposed to stick to it. And to make the morning even better for me and him both, we went to the car and the little sucker had his work done in less than 6 minutes. All 4 pages completed. He was now free of study hall and has been ever since! Every afternoon that we have had on these pretty days, I have stopped and thought about how much fun he is having being able to actually run and play at recess instead of having to walk laps and be in study hall, and apparently Trenton has enjoyed it quite a bit because he has not been back to study hall since. Not only did he keep his word to me about getting up and not fussing about how early we had to leave or fussing about missing pokemon, he kept his word to his teacher and has also kept his word when he told me that morning that he was going to try extra hard to make sure that he stays out of study hall. :)
While I was just telling or should I say typing the story of Trenton's honesty, and me being so proud of him for it and it being something I embrace in him daily, I started thinking about why it is so hard for me to be honest with people about how I truly feel right now? If I am planting the seed of it in Trenton and watering it daily in hopes that it grows into a beautiful exotic flower that's petals never fall off, why am I not able to think the same for myself? Yes, I am an honest person to a fault. I often hurt people's feelings when they ask me for my opinion (not intentionally, but don't ask me what I think and then get mad because I tell you what I think. I've never understood why people do that. Ever. And never will. Ever.) And I am able to be so open about everything else in my life, yet when it comes to my heart it seems as if I have it encaged in a steel case, dead bolted, chain locked, with a key to never be found. Maybe if I am able to slowly start unlocking the dozens of locks, and start to crack the door to the steel case slowly letting a little fresh air in at a time, eventually I will be able to leave the door wide open letting everything in my breathe for once. Hmm... now that's a thought!
Other than my life and heart being consumed by 2 people that I loved and love more than anything, Derek and Trenton, I can't say that anything much other than what I've talked about has happened around my crazy world of living. Not the most exciting blog, but maybe this one will spark something up in me to get back on track with these things. Therapeutical they are for me!
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