I recieved a message the other day. One that made me cry while reading it, and one that literally touched my heart. This message was from a friend that I've known for years. One that I've always considered my very best friend, and always will. We may be a few years older, with a few more people to add to our list of responsibilities, along with school and houses to tend to, and even though our visits and phone calls are not as often as they used to be, she still in fact is my very best friend, and none less than she was when we were together nearly every single day. And although we dont talk as often as we would like, the message I recieved let me know that she is still with me every step of the way. That she still knows me better than any other friend. And that she still cares more than the next. After reading her message, I literally sat there speechless. It was so beauitful and heart warming to me, I had no words. Regardless of what I responded, it was going to be nothing compared to the message she sent me. It would be like comparing a banana chip to a hot fudge sundae pop tart. No comparison.
In this message, she wrote something to me that made me stop and think. Something that I could think about and accept when it came to Derek. Hope she doesnt get mad for me posting this... but here goes.
"I totally understand being angry with the fact that derek was taken away so prematurely while horrible people are still here on this earth when they themselves dont deserve to be but think of this way, maybe the Lord took derek for that simple reason, he was too good for this filthy world we live in. things here are getting worse and worse every single day and even though derek was a great son, brother, uncle, and friend, i believe the Lord took him as a reward for being that way, God knew he had made such imprints in people lives already with is love and always kind words and advise that he would in fact never be forgotten here on this earth and now he is in a paradise that we all long to be in, nothing like anything on this earth, something so amazing we cant even imagine the way it really is."
Now- this is a thought I like. A thought that I want to think when it comes to Derek. The first thought of why he was taken that I can see myself accepting. Amazing how it just takes that one person paying attention to you, and knowing you and I mean really knowing you, to help lighten your heart in a forever way. And just as amazing as the way this thought made me feel, she is too!!!!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
The Apple meant for the Orange Tree
Back to the blogs I go. For a while I was starting to actually wonder if blogging my emotional roller coaster of a life right now was making me feel worse at times, but I have came to the realization, I think it is the only thing that has kept me as sane as I have been able to be for the past 8 weeks. Yes, the blogs are back and back with a vengeance. With that being said, you probably already assume what I am going to say next... Beware, this could take a while to read!
Where to start? Where to start? Um, how about in my head? Not sure that my head is the safest place to start... but here goes. Now, before reading this, please refrain from thinking I am crazy. I myself have been thinking I am and that is enough to tear my mind in thousand different directions, let alone thinking the rest of the world thinks it too. Plus, If I am thinking it, and everyone else does, then that would imply that it may just possibly be true. To think I have complexes now, could you imagine what type that would bring on? Geesh! :)
It's been 8 weeks as of Sunday that Derek passed away. People keep telling me that it will get easier in time, but lately it seems as if it has just gotten worse on me. No matter what I do, where I go, what I see, I think of him. I have remembered things that I had even forgotten happened or that we did. Although I am thankful that these thoughts and memories are coming to me piece by piece, and it is allowing me to make sure I never forget a single thing about him, it is almost haunting to me. My mind has literally became almost obsessed with him. And while saying that, why do I feel guilty for feeling that way? I want to hold on to him and remember him and love him forever, so why do I get frustrated with the way my mind is when it comes to him? I don't really know how to explain it, or explain the way it makes me feel. It's not a bad feeling I have about him being on my mind constantly. Maybe frustrating to me as bad as I hate to even put the thought of my brother and frustrating into the same sentence. It's frustrating I think because it is ruling my mind. I feel so out of control, and not myself. That is what frustrates me. It has taken me a long time, a lot of heartache, and a lot of advice in order for me to realize who I truly am as a person, and to be able to accept it 100% and be happy about it. And now that I was finally to a point in my life to where I loved who I am, my mind has me doubting everything. Right now, my mind has a sense of insecurity and I am not satisfied with it. For once I had gotten used to myself and my thinking, and now with it out of control, I feel helpless. I guess once I had gotten used to having control of my mind, it is scary not being in control of it. Speaking of scary... ever since every thing with Derek, every thing scares me. The fact that I now realize that nothing is ever certain in life, and life itself is not certain, scares me. Night time is the worst for me as it is, let alone now having all of these fears coming out in me. I lay in the bed and no matter how tired I am, and how exhausted I think I am before actually laying down, once I do, I just lay there and think. I think about all of the memories with my brother, think about how much I miss him, if he ever truly knew what he meant to me and how much I loved him, if he knew he was dieing, why he had to die, you name it and I think it. I have so many questions in me that will never be answered. My mind is just a rambled mess. Hence why this blog is jumping from one thought to another in the same rambled mess sequence my brain exhibits daily now.
The past few days I have been so angry. I am so mad at the world about Derek. And as bad as this may sound, I am angry at God for taking Derek. He was so special and did so much for everyone that ever knew him, I can't find a reason in my mind or heart as to why God would want to take him away. The people that do so much wrong in their lives are still here, yet someone like Derek wasn't allowed the chance to live life. He may have had 33 years but he deserved 99. I'm mad that I didn't talk to Derek on that Saturday before. I never called him that day, and he never called me. No big deal at the time.. but now, if I had it to do over, and if I had ever for a second thought it would be his last day here... I am mad that I may be able to talk to him out loud now and tell him how much I love him and need him but I can't hear him and won't ever be able to hug him again. I'm mad at what this has done to our family. Mad that I cant accept it. Mad that mom is crazy. Just mad. Mad that people believe me when I say I'm okay. It may seem as if I am smiling and okay, but I promise that is no smile. It is more like me gritting my teeth to the extent that they could chip at any moment, and gritting them so hard it looks as if my lips are curled into the shape of a smile. But, that is no smile.
Last night we were watching the Ring two. Just relaxing on the couch, and David put that movie in because he knows I love scary movies. And believe it or not, I had never seen the second one. While laying across David's lap watching it, I started thinking of Derek. When the first ring came out, my friend Tabatha and I were at the house watching it, and Derek was actually living at home at the time too. I'm not sure what he did to make it happen, but he played an awful trick on us. He made the DVD player to where it wouldn't let us take the movie out, and it was playing the video that they all watch and die afterwards. It freaked me and Tabatha out so bad that we were in the bedroom screaming at the top of our lungs over it. Of course, Derek came in snickering and laughing over it, and then it was all fun and games. But before that, we just knew the phone was about to ring and we in fact would be dead in 7 days. Keep in mind, we were 17yrs old when this happened also. :) But as I layed there and thought about that, my brain then took off in a whole different direction. A direction that disturbed me. One that I did not like and one that I am not sure as to how or why it would even go there. But as I watched the movie and I would see all of the people's faces all dark in color and distorted after the girl would come out of the TV and get them... I for some reason, started relating it to Derek. I started picturing him on the couch, dead. No, I didn't picture him looking like the people on the movie, but I started picturing what I guess I thought he would look like with all of the details that I have been told. Almost one of those things that you really don't want to know, but you have to ask. Also one of those things you really don't and wouldn't want to see but yet if someone had a picture, you would have to look just so you could know. And as the movie went on, instead of me being able to picture my brother the way he was when he was alive, or picture him in his casket, I pictured him before anybody had gotten there. This actually took over my mind so bad, I can't even tell you what happened in the movie. And this disturbs me. Why in the world was my brain thinking so morbidly? Why would I even think that way or why would my brain even want to think that way? It is because I do have so many questions that can never be answered about his death? I am not even sure that thinking this way is normal... hopefully, it is something that will not come back to my mind again. And after thinking that way, when it was time to go to bed, I layed in there and started thinking about even more stuff that scared me. I started thinking about the question of whether Derek knew something was wrong or not which led me into thinking what if something were to happen to me. I'm a hard sleeper and it takes a hell of a lot to wake me up. David gets up every morning with his alarm, gets dressed and everything in the bedroom and I never hear him at all. I have no clue that he is even out of bed and gone until I myself wake up. Strange how I don't hear his alarm, yet I hear mine now that I think about it! But, I started thinking that if something were to happen to me in my sleep, he would never think anything of it that I was just laying there in the bed, not moving while he was up and getting ready or work. And then when he went to work, if he tried to call, it would not surprise him if I did not answer because I am the worst about not answering the phone when I just don't feel like it. So if something were to happen to me in my sleep, he'd never know it probably and then I would just be laying there in the bed and nobody would have a clue. Well then I started thinking about what if it happened and then Trenton woke up and came in there to try and wake me up to tell me he was up. I started picturing him being scared and crying and not knowing what to do, and started thinking about him not knowing how to use my cell phone to call someone. I literally freaked myself out so bad last night I had to get up and calm down. I don't know if I am just having some anxiety with all of this or like I said earlier, If I am just going crazy, but my mind can not handle these thoughts. I say it cant handle them, and I know it cant, but why does it keep it up? How do I stop it? And while thinking about this, and freaking out, I then started thinking about whether or not Trenton would ever know how much I love him? Would he ever know what he means to me? Pretty much the same questions I ask myself about my brother and if he ever knew what he meant to me and how much I loved him.
And now that I have really made myself look crazy, I do have something big to talk about. ESPN is talking about doing "The DEREK BYRD award". It will be an award that they give out to someone every year in the master control room that pretty much exhibits everything Derek was. A good worker, dependable, good people skills, etc. When I heard this, I got so excited I cant even describe it! I mean, how honoring is that?!?! I know Derek is not the first employee in ESPN history to pass away, yet they don't have awards. (well, not that I know of put it that way.) And I have been so afraid that Derek would just be another number in and out the door to them up there, that over time, he would be forgotten. But this let me know that he is not going to be forgotten, that they cared for him and loved him so much they refuse to let him be forgotten the same way I refuse it. And not only are they keeping his memory alive, now even the new employees that come to work there will get to feel as if they knew Derek too. They will strive to be like him in order to get this award. I of course thought the sun set and rised in Derek, but I know now that I am not the only one that felt that way.
Also, I was sent a picture of the memorial they have set up for Derek at ESPN. It is a picture, and a vase of orange flowers. He loved Orange! And while looking at this picture and having yet another overwhelming feeling come across me by knowing how much they cared for him, I realized something. The orange flowers they arranged in the vase next to his picture, are in fact the exact same orange flowers that were on his casket. Identical! To look at both, you would think that the same person picked the flowers for bother his blanket on the casket, and this vase. And the strange thing is, the person that was in charge of the flowers was not able to make it to the funeral so she had no idea what flowers were used at it. She and I both agreed that he must have been with her at the craft store. :)
Speaking of him being us.... there have been so many thing that I strongly believe he has made happen in life for a reason since his passing. I believe he is with me, and is watching and listening to me every single day. You may not believe in things like that yourself, but you could never convince me otherwise. Some of the things people would probably say are by coincidence and that I am just relating them to Derek and finding anything that I possibly can to believe it is him. Kinda like when you go to a psychic or read your horoscope. At times it seems so dead on that you cant help but believe in it for a minute, but then you always have that certain person that doubts everything. Mr. or Mrs. pessimistic if you would say. And they bring it to your attention that the horoscope is so broadly worded that you can relate it to almost anything going on in your life. Yes, at times that may be the case but as far as my signs from Derek, nope! Not that way at all! The other night I was wanting to burn a candle and had burned all of mine up and just haven't went and bought any new ones. Right after telling David that I wished I had a new good smelling candle to burn since the house was all nice and clean, we somehow ended up in the other room looking in a box of Derek's that had movies in it. While looking through the DVDs in the box, I opened another box to see if it had more in it and I found candles. Naturally, whats a girl to do other than pick them up and start smelling of them? There was one huge Yankee candle jar candle that I pulled the lid off and smelled of that I loved. It had never been burned, and after sitting and contemplating on it for a moment, I decided to take it in the living room and use it. After lighting it and sitting it on the coffee table, I looked down and out of all the names for a candle to have, this one was called "Sparkling Angel". Think about it seriously, what are the odds of that? At that moment, I knew Derek was listening to me.
Speaking of the candle and his DVDs... I also have now had this feeling of guilt come over me when it comes to his things. After lighting the candle and burning it, I felt guilty using it. It is not mine to use, it is his. I am sure he wouldn't mind for me to have it, but I still feel wrong by it. I feel wrong adding his DVDs on the shelf to mine. I also have his car. At first, I felt like I was doing something terribly wrong by driving it, and it didn't feel right to me. Now the option of taking over the payments, paying it off, or letting it go back has came up. Within the next few weeks, I have to make a decision on it. I don't even know where to begin with it. I don't want to take over the payments on it because it is not a car that really fits my needs. It's extremely small, and only 2 door, and a stick shift. It is a very nice car, and way better than my cavalier so right now, I like it even though it is not a car that I myself would pick out. I feel like if I am going to be paying that much a month for something it needs to be something that I want and that accommodates me because my intentions are to make car payments and pay it off and then keep it until the wheels fall off. Pretty much what I have done with the cavalier. I hate debt, and am not a person that gets a car and then trades it in and builds up all of this money I will never be able to pay off. Then, I have thought about paying it off and then I wouldn't have a payment on it, and I could still get a new car and being I wouldn't have to make car payments on Derek's, I could still afford the payments on another new car. And then the thought that maybe I should let it go back since it's not exactly what I need, and even if I do pay it off, I would still have to be able to afford the insurance on it along with my car and David's truck. But when the thought of letting it go back comes to me, I feel horrible guilt over it. Everyone says they don't know why I feel this way and that it is silly, but I feel like I am doing something wrong by letting it go back. Almost like I am letting a piece of Derek go or something. I don't really know how to explain it... either way, I have to make a decision pretty quick.
His art! ESPN is also wanting me to get prints of his art made, which they are also going to pay to have done and shipped to them in order for them to hang them up in the building. How freaking awesome is that?! For one, obviously that place only has sports stuff for the decor, so for them to want to hang his stuff up is amazing to me. And of course they have all of the big time sports people in and out all of the time, and the thought that these "celebrities" may be stopping to admire his work excites me. Derek would be so excited! And also one of his very, very best friends Anette, has a friend with an art gallery in Louisville. Derek had numerous art shows in L-ville before, and even some in New York City, and art was his god given passion. She has talked to her friend and we are going to be having an art show with his work in a few months. Obviously, his work will not be for sale, but people can still come and admire it as they always have. His friends that have paintings he had given them are going to loan them to me in order to add them to the show, and we are going to display all of his sketchbook work. I am still mad that someone stole his other art and I don't have it, but that is a whole different topic. As exciting as this is to me, leave it to me that I will find something to have a complex or guilt about. In order to display his sketchbooks, I am going to have to take them out of the sketchbook. I feel guilty over that. It doesn't seem right to tear them out and ruin the sketchbook itself. Yes, I will still have the work from it, but its not the same. It will no longer be his sketchbook then. Just his work. I have actually had an issue with this so bad to the point that David examined the wire rings on the sketchbook and has came up with a way for me to get the art off the wire wring without tearing the art, the holes it is wired through, or mess the wire ring up an then be able to put them back on the wire so that his sketchbooks will be able to be intact and still be his sketchbooks. I pray to God that his plan works! I believe it will because David is good with stuff like that. I don't think there is anything that that man can't do and do right. He's proved it to me over and over, and I am going to put every bit of faith in him when it comes to this that he will be able to do it the same as he is able to do everything else. Also, for his art shows, Derek always had like postcard flyers made. Something with the details on it, and pictures of his paintings and stuff and I am also going to have some made for it. I am excited to get to design them and have them made, and I am up for the challenge of making it as perfect as possible for Derek.
Now, I will honestly do you the honor of shutting up. I know this one was a jumbled up, crazy mess but what can I say? Welcome to my mind! Hopefully, I haven't made you think I am crazier than I already have or am. Like I said, my mind is not on Que right now. Thoughts and images I never in my life dreamed of thinking cross it's path every single day. Everyone keeps telling me that in time it will get easier, and I am waiting to see if that is even possible. Even if time does not make the heartache I have for my brother get any easier, I pray that it helps my mind quit with the obsessive, morbid, crazy thinking it is doing on me right now. Derek and I used to always laugh and joke about how we weren't the most normal people in the world but we were the most normal of our family, and for us to be the "normal ones" it really showed how messed up the rest of them are. I am not so sure that the apple didn't fall far from the tree when it comes to me right now.. I think I officially have been set into the classification of dysfunctional with the rest of them. Hopefully, this apple never stops rolling and I roll my way out from under the apple tree, and end up in the orange grove and get back to the place I know. The place I call Kacie.
Where to start? Where to start? Um, how about in my head? Not sure that my head is the safest place to start... but here goes. Now, before reading this, please refrain from thinking I am crazy. I myself have been thinking I am and that is enough to tear my mind in thousand different directions, let alone thinking the rest of the world thinks it too. Plus, If I am thinking it, and everyone else does, then that would imply that it may just possibly be true. To think I have complexes now, could you imagine what type that would bring on? Geesh! :)
It's been 8 weeks as of Sunday that Derek passed away. People keep telling me that it will get easier in time, but lately it seems as if it has just gotten worse on me. No matter what I do, where I go, what I see, I think of him. I have remembered things that I had even forgotten happened or that we did. Although I am thankful that these thoughts and memories are coming to me piece by piece, and it is allowing me to make sure I never forget a single thing about him, it is almost haunting to me. My mind has literally became almost obsessed with him. And while saying that, why do I feel guilty for feeling that way? I want to hold on to him and remember him and love him forever, so why do I get frustrated with the way my mind is when it comes to him? I don't really know how to explain it, or explain the way it makes me feel. It's not a bad feeling I have about him being on my mind constantly. Maybe frustrating to me as bad as I hate to even put the thought of my brother and frustrating into the same sentence. It's frustrating I think because it is ruling my mind. I feel so out of control, and not myself. That is what frustrates me. It has taken me a long time, a lot of heartache, and a lot of advice in order for me to realize who I truly am as a person, and to be able to accept it 100% and be happy about it. And now that I was finally to a point in my life to where I loved who I am, my mind has me doubting everything. Right now, my mind has a sense of insecurity and I am not satisfied with it. For once I had gotten used to myself and my thinking, and now with it out of control, I feel helpless. I guess once I had gotten used to having control of my mind, it is scary not being in control of it. Speaking of scary... ever since every thing with Derek, every thing scares me. The fact that I now realize that nothing is ever certain in life, and life itself is not certain, scares me. Night time is the worst for me as it is, let alone now having all of these fears coming out in me. I lay in the bed and no matter how tired I am, and how exhausted I think I am before actually laying down, once I do, I just lay there and think. I think about all of the memories with my brother, think about how much I miss him, if he ever truly knew what he meant to me and how much I loved him, if he knew he was dieing, why he had to die, you name it and I think it. I have so many questions in me that will never be answered. My mind is just a rambled mess. Hence why this blog is jumping from one thought to another in the same rambled mess sequence my brain exhibits daily now.
The past few days I have been so angry. I am so mad at the world about Derek. And as bad as this may sound, I am angry at God for taking Derek. He was so special and did so much for everyone that ever knew him, I can't find a reason in my mind or heart as to why God would want to take him away. The people that do so much wrong in their lives are still here, yet someone like Derek wasn't allowed the chance to live life. He may have had 33 years but he deserved 99. I'm mad that I didn't talk to Derek on that Saturday before. I never called him that day, and he never called me. No big deal at the time.. but now, if I had it to do over, and if I had ever for a second thought it would be his last day here... I am mad that I may be able to talk to him out loud now and tell him how much I love him and need him but I can't hear him and won't ever be able to hug him again. I'm mad at what this has done to our family. Mad that I cant accept it. Mad that mom is crazy. Just mad. Mad that people believe me when I say I'm okay. It may seem as if I am smiling and okay, but I promise that is no smile. It is more like me gritting my teeth to the extent that they could chip at any moment, and gritting them so hard it looks as if my lips are curled into the shape of a smile. But, that is no smile.
Last night we were watching the Ring two. Just relaxing on the couch, and David put that movie in because he knows I love scary movies. And believe it or not, I had never seen the second one. While laying across David's lap watching it, I started thinking of Derek. When the first ring came out, my friend Tabatha and I were at the house watching it, and Derek was actually living at home at the time too. I'm not sure what he did to make it happen, but he played an awful trick on us. He made the DVD player to where it wouldn't let us take the movie out, and it was playing the video that they all watch and die afterwards. It freaked me and Tabatha out so bad that we were in the bedroom screaming at the top of our lungs over it. Of course, Derek came in snickering and laughing over it, and then it was all fun and games. But before that, we just knew the phone was about to ring and we in fact would be dead in 7 days. Keep in mind, we were 17yrs old when this happened also. :) But as I layed there and thought about that, my brain then took off in a whole different direction. A direction that disturbed me. One that I did not like and one that I am not sure as to how or why it would even go there. But as I watched the movie and I would see all of the people's faces all dark in color and distorted after the girl would come out of the TV and get them... I for some reason, started relating it to Derek. I started picturing him on the couch, dead. No, I didn't picture him looking like the people on the movie, but I started picturing what I guess I thought he would look like with all of the details that I have been told. Almost one of those things that you really don't want to know, but you have to ask. Also one of those things you really don't and wouldn't want to see but yet if someone had a picture, you would have to look just so you could know. And as the movie went on, instead of me being able to picture my brother the way he was when he was alive, or picture him in his casket, I pictured him before anybody had gotten there. This actually took over my mind so bad, I can't even tell you what happened in the movie. And this disturbs me. Why in the world was my brain thinking so morbidly? Why would I even think that way or why would my brain even want to think that way? It is because I do have so many questions that can never be answered about his death? I am not even sure that thinking this way is normal... hopefully, it is something that will not come back to my mind again. And after thinking that way, when it was time to go to bed, I layed in there and started thinking about even more stuff that scared me. I started thinking about the question of whether Derek knew something was wrong or not which led me into thinking what if something were to happen to me. I'm a hard sleeper and it takes a hell of a lot to wake me up. David gets up every morning with his alarm, gets dressed and everything in the bedroom and I never hear him at all. I have no clue that he is even out of bed and gone until I myself wake up. Strange how I don't hear his alarm, yet I hear mine now that I think about it! But, I started thinking that if something were to happen to me in my sleep, he would never think anything of it that I was just laying there in the bed, not moving while he was up and getting ready or work. And then when he went to work, if he tried to call, it would not surprise him if I did not answer because I am the worst about not answering the phone when I just don't feel like it. So if something were to happen to me in my sleep, he'd never know it probably and then I would just be laying there in the bed and nobody would have a clue. Well then I started thinking about what if it happened and then Trenton woke up and came in there to try and wake me up to tell me he was up. I started picturing him being scared and crying and not knowing what to do, and started thinking about him not knowing how to use my cell phone to call someone. I literally freaked myself out so bad last night I had to get up and calm down. I don't know if I am just having some anxiety with all of this or like I said earlier, If I am just going crazy, but my mind can not handle these thoughts. I say it cant handle them, and I know it cant, but why does it keep it up? How do I stop it? And while thinking about this, and freaking out, I then started thinking about whether or not Trenton would ever know how much I love him? Would he ever know what he means to me? Pretty much the same questions I ask myself about my brother and if he ever knew what he meant to me and how much I loved him.
And now that I have really made myself look crazy, I do have something big to talk about. ESPN is talking about doing "The DEREK BYRD award". It will be an award that they give out to someone every year in the master control room that pretty much exhibits everything Derek was. A good worker, dependable, good people skills, etc. When I heard this, I got so excited I cant even describe it! I mean, how honoring is that?!?! I know Derek is not the first employee in ESPN history to pass away, yet they don't have awards. (well, not that I know of put it that way.) And I have been so afraid that Derek would just be another number in and out the door to them up there, that over time, he would be forgotten. But this let me know that he is not going to be forgotten, that they cared for him and loved him so much they refuse to let him be forgotten the same way I refuse it. And not only are they keeping his memory alive, now even the new employees that come to work there will get to feel as if they knew Derek too. They will strive to be like him in order to get this award. I of course thought the sun set and rised in Derek, but I know now that I am not the only one that felt that way.
Also, I was sent a picture of the memorial they have set up for Derek at ESPN. It is a picture, and a vase of orange flowers. He loved Orange! And while looking at this picture and having yet another overwhelming feeling come across me by knowing how much they cared for him, I realized something. The orange flowers they arranged in the vase next to his picture, are in fact the exact same orange flowers that were on his casket. Identical! To look at both, you would think that the same person picked the flowers for bother his blanket on the casket, and this vase. And the strange thing is, the person that was in charge of the flowers was not able to make it to the funeral so she had no idea what flowers were used at it. She and I both agreed that he must have been with her at the craft store. :)
Speaking of him being us.... there have been so many thing that I strongly believe he has made happen in life for a reason since his passing. I believe he is with me, and is watching and listening to me every single day. You may not believe in things like that yourself, but you could never convince me otherwise. Some of the things people would probably say are by coincidence and that I am just relating them to Derek and finding anything that I possibly can to believe it is him. Kinda like when you go to a psychic or read your horoscope. At times it seems so dead on that you cant help but believe in it for a minute, but then you always have that certain person that doubts everything. Mr. or Mrs. pessimistic if you would say. And they bring it to your attention that the horoscope is so broadly worded that you can relate it to almost anything going on in your life. Yes, at times that may be the case but as far as my signs from Derek, nope! Not that way at all! The other night I was wanting to burn a candle and had burned all of mine up and just haven't went and bought any new ones. Right after telling David that I wished I had a new good smelling candle to burn since the house was all nice and clean, we somehow ended up in the other room looking in a box of Derek's that had movies in it. While looking through the DVDs in the box, I opened another box to see if it had more in it and I found candles. Naturally, whats a girl to do other than pick them up and start smelling of them? There was one huge Yankee candle jar candle that I pulled the lid off and smelled of that I loved. It had never been burned, and after sitting and contemplating on it for a moment, I decided to take it in the living room and use it. After lighting it and sitting it on the coffee table, I looked down and out of all the names for a candle to have, this one was called "Sparkling Angel". Think about it seriously, what are the odds of that? At that moment, I knew Derek was listening to me.
Speaking of the candle and his DVDs... I also have now had this feeling of guilt come over me when it comes to his things. After lighting the candle and burning it, I felt guilty using it. It is not mine to use, it is his. I am sure he wouldn't mind for me to have it, but I still feel wrong by it. I feel wrong adding his DVDs on the shelf to mine. I also have his car. At first, I felt like I was doing something terribly wrong by driving it, and it didn't feel right to me. Now the option of taking over the payments, paying it off, or letting it go back has came up. Within the next few weeks, I have to make a decision on it. I don't even know where to begin with it. I don't want to take over the payments on it because it is not a car that really fits my needs. It's extremely small, and only 2 door, and a stick shift. It is a very nice car, and way better than my cavalier so right now, I like it even though it is not a car that I myself would pick out. I feel like if I am going to be paying that much a month for something it needs to be something that I want and that accommodates me because my intentions are to make car payments and pay it off and then keep it until the wheels fall off. Pretty much what I have done with the cavalier. I hate debt, and am not a person that gets a car and then trades it in and builds up all of this money I will never be able to pay off. Then, I have thought about paying it off and then I wouldn't have a payment on it, and I could still get a new car and being I wouldn't have to make car payments on Derek's, I could still afford the payments on another new car. And then the thought that maybe I should let it go back since it's not exactly what I need, and even if I do pay it off, I would still have to be able to afford the insurance on it along with my car and David's truck. But when the thought of letting it go back comes to me, I feel horrible guilt over it. Everyone says they don't know why I feel this way and that it is silly, but I feel like I am doing something wrong by letting it go back. Almost like I am letting a piece of Derek go or something. I don't really know how to explain it... either way, I have to make a decision pretty quick.
His art! ESPN is also wanting me to get prints of his art made, which they are also going to pay to have done and shipped to them in order for them to hang them up in the building. How freaking awesome is that?! For one, obviously that place only has sports stuff for the decor, so for them to want to hang his stuff up is amazing to me. And of course they have all of the big time sports people in and out all of the time, and the thought that these "celebrities" may be stopping to admire his work excites me. Derek would be so excited! And also one of his very, very best friends Anette, has a friend with an art gallery in Louisville. Derek had numerous art shows in L-ville before, and even some in New York City, and art was his god given passion. She has talked to her friend and we are going to be having an art show with his work in a few months. Obviously, his work will not be for sale, but people can still come and admire it as they always have. His friends that have paintings he had given them are going to loan them to me in order to add them to the show, and we are going to display all of his sketchbook work. I am still mad that someone stole his other art and I don't have it, but that is a whole different topic. As exciting as this is to me, leave it to me that I will find something to have a complex or guilt about. In order to display his sketchbooks, I am going to have to take them out of the sketchbook. I feel guilty over that. It doesn't seem right to tear them out and ruin the sketchbook itself. Yes, I will still have the work from it, but its not the same. It will no longer be his sketchbook then. Just his work. I have actually had an issue with this so bad to the point that David examined the wire rings on the sketchbook and has came up with a way for me to get the art off the wire wring without tearing the art, the holes it is wired through, or mess the wire ring up an then be able to put them back on the wire so that his sketchbooks will be able to be intact and still be his sketchbooks. I pray to God that his plan works! I believe it will because David is good with stuff like that. I don't think there is anything that that man can't do and do right. He's proved it to me over and over, and I am going to put every bit of faith in him when it comes to this that he will be able to do it the same as he is able to do everything else. Also, for his art shows, Derek always had like postcard flyers made. Something with the details on it, and pictures of his paintings and stuff and I am also going to have some made for it. I am excited to get to design them and have them made, and I am up for the challenge of making it as perfect as possible for Derek.
Now, I will honestly do you the honor of shutting up. I know this one was a jumbled up, crazy mess but what can I say? Welcome to my mind! Hopefully, I haven't made you think I am crazier than I already have or am. Like I said, my mind is not on Que right now. Thoughts and images I never in my life dreamed of thinking cross it's path every single day. Everyone keeps telling me that in time it will get easier, and I am waiting to see if that is even possible. Even if time does not make the heartache I have for my brother get any easier, I pray that it helps my mind quit with the obsessive, morbid, crazy thinking it is doing on me right now. Derek and I used to always laugh and joke about how we weren't the most normal people in the world but we were the most normal of our family, and for us to be the "normal ones" it really showed how messed up the rest of them are. I am not so sure that the apple didn't fall far from the tree when it comes to me right now.. I think I officially have been set into the classification of dysfunctional with the rest of them. Hopefully, this apple never stops rolling and I roll my way out from under the apple tree, and end up in the orange grove and get back to the place I know. The place I call Kacie.
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