Most days, I am sitting in the house just staring at what all needs to be done.... the past 2 days, I have went for a jog!! =) Not sure if it is just in my head, or if I just want to believe it so much, but after finishing up my jog these past 2 days, I have felt great. Almost like I have actually accomplished something. Like I have pushed myself for the first time in years and actually succeeded. Corny, I know! But, very True!!! This may sound disgusting, but something about pouring sweat when I get back in the house lets me know that I had to work to finish that run. lets me know that I wasn't just sitting in the house looking around like a bum all day long! Reminds me of being a tom boy and running around outside with my brother when we were younger. Makes me feel accomplished (somewhat) =)
Last night was so bad... just horrible. I had the worst case of cabin fever, yet had nothing to do... Sure, I could have cleaned the house and kept busy but that wasn't exactly cutting the cabin fever out of me!! So after sitting impatiently and watching TV for most of the night, I decided that I was tired and was ready to go to bed in hopes of today being a better day for me. Of course, that going as planned would be too easy on me so instead of going to sleep and waking up refreshed, I layed in there for hours thinking about so many things. I got myself so upset that my heart literally felt like it would skip a beat. Naturally, when it would feel like it was skipping a beat, I then would think of my brother and him having a bad heart and nobody knowing it... and how that could he hereditary. Not something I should think about while trying to go to sleep.. almost made me afraid to go to sleep. Kinda weird too because if you think about it, when its your time to die, its your time. Doesn't matter if you are asleep or not... so why I was afraid to go to sleep, who knows?? But while laying in there and having so many thoughts running through my head, I had a question pop in my head that I couldn't find an answer to. "Do people know when they die?" Now, wait..... I did post this on facebook but not in a way saying I would ever do something to myself.. it was just an honest question. Actually, now that I am thinking about it, I watched the movie GHOST yesterday with Demi Moore and Patrick Swazey (sp?) and I think maybe I was thinking this way due to watching that. Seeing those people die and then standing there looking at themselves and so forth.... anyways- laying in bed I was just thinking about it and was wondering if people are aware of what has happened or if they are just instantly in a better (hopefully) or worse (eeek) place? Of course, I will never know this until my time comes.. which I pray with everthing in me will be 60 years from now. One last thing to let out.. and I will stop with all the creepy death talk for the day... but since Derek died, at just 33 yrs old, I am very well aware that you just don't ever know when it is your time.. and now, I have a horrible fear of death in me. I'm afraid of dying, and I'm afraid of dying at a young age. I worry that something will happen to me and Trenton will have to grow up without me.... crazy? No. Weird? Maybe. Either way.. it's on my mind at night and I had to get that out... unfortunately for you, when I go a while and hold all of this in, it comes out in a weird way like right now.. but its out and I will stop (for you and you only) because I could go on for days about how all of this makes me feel in my mind and heart.
NOW- ready for something good to hear??? Mom is fixing dinner for us at her house tonight!! =) Everybody loves their mama's cooking and I cant wait!! She is even fixing her famous sweet potatoes for me! I don't care if she stands next to me at the stove and tells me what to do step by step while trying to make these sweet potatoes, mine never ever turn out like hers do. A lot of the time, I don't really look forward to dinners at her house because more often than not, everyone is so high strung that it just makes for a weird experience. Seriously!! Everybody will just be sitting there and eating in silence... I love my mom to pieces, and I don't know what I would do or where I would be without her, but I cant deny the fact that she is one strange cookie. Very up and down... I swear she is bipolar at times!! She and I have always had a weird relationship and the older I get, the more independent I get, the weirder it gets. Which, since Derek has been gone, it has gotten even weirder.... expected, I guess? Not so sure of that....
Ready for my big motivation speech? haha! No! Seriously!! Starting this week, I have had this idea to make myself weekly goals... some could be as small as getting the dishes done one day, or making the bed. Some may be bigger such as going through all of our clothes and getting rid of what we don't need or want. Either way, I am going to find a way to get some type of structure back into my life. I am at the point in my mind and heart that I have to do some changing in order to survive. I can't keep living cooped up in the house and upset everyday. Soooooo, starting this week, baby lists are going to be made along with baby steps to getting happy again. Plus, I have really got to get rid of some clothes and shoes!!! I swear, I am such a clothes hoarder! I have so much it is ridiculous.. I actually should go through my jewelry too. I have been thinking that the less junk we have, the less mess we can make and the more spacious I will feel. Notice, not more spacious the house will be.... more spacious I will feel. Maybe if I start decluttering everything in the house, it will help my mind to declutter. Just a thought! And what would it hurt to try it and see if it works??
I assume I have led myself to be crazy the past few posts... but I'm telling ya, if I don't vent this stuff, it feels like it is going to make me crazy!!! Everybody wants to be alert and able to think.. I need something to make me not think. You know your mind is going like crazy when you have had a tension headache for 2 day straight and your jaw is sore from being so on edge and gritting your teeth. But, now that this is the beginning of a new day, and we have all been privileged to wake up with the chance of a new start again.... I am going to go continue my plan of being a runner! =) Trust me, my legs hurt in places I never knew could hurt and my legs are desperately telling me to chill, but my mind and heart tells me not to listen and to take off!! I did have a split moment to where I thought maybe i should take a break today and let my legs recoop, but I know if I take a break today, I will take a break tomorrow also. Plus, look at all the people in the army. When they are in boot camp, regardless of how out of shape they are, they are forced to push on every single day. They don't get a break because they are sore.. so obviously, when you are sore it isn't necessary to recover before pushing on! As dory from finding Nemo would say, "just keep swimming, just keep swimming" and how more appropriate could that comment be while typing this and watching shark week on discovery channel! =) talk about something being scary in life!! I think my thoughts are scary but I tell ya, seeing these creatures...that is scary!!
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
My 15 mins of Pave(ment) -)
I'm not even going to begin this blog by trying to sugar coat anything.... I have came to the conclusion that I have some serious depression going on. There have been times in my life in the past that I thought I was depressed but I don't think I was actually depressed. More like just hit a few bumps in the road that I didn't like the feel of. Now, I feel like I have been in a car wreck and totaled this car myself out. I really think the death of my brother has put me in a spot that I have never been in before. A place that I just cant seem to get a good grip on in order to climb my way out and to the top. Some days, I feel like I am okay. Most days, I know I am not. This week for some reason, I just have been awful. The only time I have done a single thing or even left the house this week was to take Trenton swimming Tuesday. Which might I add, was a very good day for me. I love mine and Trenton's "dates" as he refers to them. And not only did I have the best time swimming with Trenton, I enjoyed the company I had around me too. I met up with my friend Tabatha and her two kiddos which was extra nice since we haven't been swimming together in such a long time! And I also had the privilege of swimming and talking to a friend from high school that I haven't seen or hung out with in years! Both of these girls did more for me that day then I believe they could ever imagine. Just being out of the house and having someone to talk to and laugh with was exactly what I needed. Yes, if it were just Trenton and me, I would have had a good time like I always do with Trenton but it was nice to have some social interaction for the first time in a while. Well, let me take that back. I got entirely way too much social interaction when I went to spend the night with another good friend of mine, Jen, the night of the NKOTB concert! haha
1. Instead of sitting here day in and day out thinking, thinking, and thinking about Derek.... I can use my jog time as a time devoted to my main thoughts of him. Kind of like if I sit here and start getting overwhelmed and consumed in my mind, i am going to get up and go jogging. For now, there is no way I can run the length of time my mind is thinking of him, but if I keep it up, I know my stamina will build up too. But back to the point ( told you my mind just goes in circles and races all day long, as you can tell by me getting sidetracked even in a blog that I can even read and reread and backspace on) So anyways- my main point behind this is, maybe if I set aside this certain time for my thinking of him, I can go jog, think of Derek, get these thoughts and frustrations out of me with each pound of my soul on the pavement, come back in and move on to the next task. In other words, by having this certain time and routine devoted to him, maybe I wont consume my entire day with it every single day of my life like I have been doing.
2. I will get back into shape!! I may be skinny but I am far from being toned!! I don't think I have really had any physical activities (other than shopping and cleaning) since my high school days of being in color guard. And to think I complained about my body then!! I'd give anything to be as toned and muscular as I was then!
3. I might actually be able to feel like I have accomplished something in my days. Just doing a little jogging in the day will at least let me have the feeling that I have accomplished something for the day. If I go a certain distance one day, I can try and beat that the next and so on.
4. Exercising releases endorphins that actually give you energy and endorphins that actually help fight depression. 2 main things that I seriously, most obviously need in my life right now. I have always been a very wound up person in life until this year and I desperately want to get back to being that way. Amazing that it kills me to just sit here, yet I don't want to do anything other than just sit here isn't it? Makes for a good unsolved mysteries case!!
So with all of that being said, and I am sure there are more reasons behind this subconsciously than I am even recognizing right now, this indeed is my new plan in life. And one that I have officially started as of today. It was almost amazing amusing to me today. I had this thought, idea, plan, joke, or whatever you want to call it and within 2 minutes I found myself in the bedroom pulling my hair back, grabbing a watch, tying my tennis shoes, and grabbing my favorite sunglasses and heading out the door. To be honest, the minute I walked outside from my nicely air conditioned house into the smothering heat, I had a moment of hesitation. That is, until I thought about David being at work with pants and long sleeves, no AC and having to work INSIDE of trailers (imagine the heat outside, and then imagine opening the doors of a trailer that has been sitting in the relentless heat and having to work inside of it. I know, it makes my brain want to short out at the thought of it!) and while thinking of him being at work, I started to stretch and try to get these useless limbs of mine back into action. After thinking about him and how much I know he must hate being out in it, and thinking about how he manages to do hard manual labor in the heat for 10 hours, I thought to myself "If he can be out here for 10 hours, I can do this for at least 15 mins".... and with that thought, I took off. When you pull onto our street, it is nothing but uphill all the way. The only flat part of our street is up at the dead end where there is a circle. And being we have a pretty long driveway, at first I decided I would run to the end of the driveway and up and around the circle and back down, and back up the driveway. Amazingly enough, as I made it back down to the driveway, I decided to run to the bottom of the hill (bottom of the street where you pull in) and in my mind I knew I wouldn't make it back up the hill so I thought that even if I had to walk my way back up, at least I did SOMETHING having to do with this plan of mine. But I tell ya, I don't know if I actually had some motivation, determination, or just luck, I actually was able to run back up the hill and back up the driveway. I know this is nothing huge, but being I haven't ran for years (yes, I have always been the type that I only run when I am being chased! haha!) I was actually so proud of myself. I was able to run for 15 minutes straight before getting so out of breath I couldn't stand it anymore. And, I was actually very proud of myself once I made it back to the door. For the first time in months, I put my mind to something and I accomplished it. It might have not been anything huge or overly exciting to some, but this was such a big deal to me today! I'm not sure if it's true about the endorphins, or the fact I actually got up and moved instead of moving like a two toed sloth like normally, or if I was just delirious from lack of oxygen from breathing so hard, but I actually felt a lot better after my mini jog. Of course, it could have been just the placebo effect of it, and if that is the case, so be it. I fell for it, and I will continue to fall for it. Tomorrow, my goal is to run the length I did today, and try to make it up to the circle and back to the driveway one more time. I have to watch myself.. I tend to think I can do something the very first try and if I don't succeed, I tend to say to hell with it. So, when I say I have to watch myself, I mean that I have to keep in mind that this is going to be a work in progress. Not something I am going to be able to accomplish all in one day. But, in all honesty, I feel like I actually have something to work towards and to look forward to. Something to prove I can do... even if I am only proving it to myself. And who knows, if I am able to keep this up, one day I will be able to run the entire length of my thinking of Derek and not have to cut him short. But for now, in order to keep my sanity, I am going to have to limit my "major" thinking of him to the length of my running. OK, you got me. I obviously cant just stop thinking of him when I quit running my everlasting 15 mins right now, but for now, it will allow me to stomp some of it out and move on to the next task with him on my mind instead of limiting myself to sitting on the couch thinking of him for hours and hours only seeming like minutes. Not so sure if this will make any sense or not, but I have this huge fear in me that he will be forgotten. That I will forget something about him... and in my mind, as I think of him, it is my way of never forgetting a single thing about him.
Now, with all of this rambling out of the way, I have really good news! David is officially enrolled to start school! I am so proud of him!! So many times in life people feel as if they are too old to go back to school and feel as if it is too late to even think about doing it. He has mentioned that he wished he had went to school in the past few years, but he has taken that wish and turned it into a reality. Plus, with him working 10 hours a day as it is, and sometimes 14 hours a day, I know it is something he wants to do and not something he feels like he has to do. He will be working 10 hours and then going to school from 4-8 every evening. Exhaustion is probably going to be an understatement for what he will be, but I know that he will be able to do it and will do it at his best. He truly is a very smart person. Very alert, very absorbing. He can hear something once and will know it the rest of his life so I have no doubt that he wont do good in school. And although some people say they go to school to make a better life for themselves, all he has said is that he wants to go in order to make a better living and life for us as a family. I don't know what it is about him but no matter who, what, or when, he always thinks of me before himself. It's always what Kacie wants, not what David wants. Def a good feeling considering every other man I have ever dated always put everyone and himself before me. Always! But, I am so thankful that I am not the type of person that takes advantage of him being that way. I actually had never thought of it being "whatever Kacie wants" until he said it to me one day. I can't remember what was going on that actually brought it up that day but I do remember his words... "Kacie, have I ever told you no? No, I haven't because whatever you want to do, or whatever you want, you can have. I am 42 years old. I have lived my life.. you're young. You haven't had it all, even though I did and lost it in a divorce, but just because I have done it or had it does not mean you shouldn't have the opportunity to have it or do it." I am so fortunate to have David in my life. Not just because of this scenario, but for so many reasons. He has truly became the backbone in my life. Not only is he understanding about things, but he is sincere about being there for me and being the best he can be as a person for me. He's so unselfish when it comes to our family. Grateful for him, I am.
I bet by now, you are wondering when my mind and fingers are going to end this, right? Wonder no longer, fore I am going to let your eyes take a break and rest a while. I know this is a crazy, rambling blog but as I mentioned earlier, this has been a rough week on my mind. Thankfully, getting all of this out just now has already made me feel like at least one of the elephants on my shoulders decided to jump off. In other words, I feel a "ton" better!! No pun intended! haha! =) Indeed, with this new plan, I feel another blog coming along tomorrow in order for me to brag about jogging 17 mins instead of the 15 mins I lasted today! I have a plan for the first time in months, and by god, I am going to stick to it. Bet ya!! you just wait and see!!
1. Instead of sitting here day in and day out thinking, thinking, and thinking about Derek.... I can use my jog time as a time devoted to my main thoughts of him. Kind of like if I sit here and start getting overwhelmed and consumed in my mind, i am going to get up and go jogging. For now, there is no way I can run the length of time my mind is thinking of him, but if I keep it up, I know my stamina will build up too. But back to the point ( told you my mind just goes in circles and races all day long, as you can tell by me getting sidetracked even in a blog that I can even read and reread and backspace on) So anyways- my main point behind this is, maybe if I set aside this certain time for my thinking of him, I can go jog, think of Derek, get these thoughts and frustrations out of me with each pound of my soul on the pavement, come back in and move on to the next task. In other words, by having this certain time and routine devoted to him, maybe I wont consume my entire day with it every single day of my life like I have been doing.
2. I will get back into shape!! I may be skinny but I am far from being toned!! I don't think I have really had any physical activities (other than shopping and cleaning) since my high school days of being in color guard. And to think I complained about my body then!! I'd give anything to be as toned and muscular as I was then!
3. I might actually be able to feel like I have accomplished something in my days. Just doing a little jogging in the day will at least let me have the feeling that I have accomplished something for the day. If I go a certain distance one day, I can try and beat that the next and so on.
4. Exercising releases endorphins that actually give you energy and endorphins that actually help fight depression. 2 main things that I seriously, most obviously need in my life right now. I have always been a very wound up person in life until this year and I desperately want to get back to being that way. Amazing that it kills me to just sit here, yet I don't want to do anything other than just sit here isn't it? Makes for a good unsolved mysteries case!!
So with all of that being said, and I am sure there are more reasons behind this subconsciously than I am even recognizing right now, this indeed is my new plan in life. And one that I have officially started as of today. It was almost amazing amusing to me today. I had this thought, idea, plan, joke, or whatever you want to call it and within 2 minutes I found myself in the bedroom pulling my hair back, grabbing a watch, tying my tennis shoes, and grabbing my favorite sunglasses and heading out the door. To be honest, the minute I walked outside from my nicely air conditioned house into the smothering heat, I had a moment of hesitation. That is, until I thought about David being at work with pants and long sleeves, no AC and having to work INSIDE of trailers (imagine the heat outside, and then imagine opening the doors of a trailer that has been sitting in the relentless heat and having to work inside of it. I know, it makes my brain want to short out at the thought of it!) and while thinking of him being at work, I started to stretch and try to get these useless limbs of mine back into action. After thinking about him and how much I know he must hate being out in it, and thinking about how he manages to do hard manual labor in the heat for 10 hours, I thought to myself "If he can be out here for 10 hours, I can do this for at least 15 mins".... and with that thought, I took off. When you pull onto our street, it is nothing but uphill all the way. The only flat part of our street is up at the dead end where there is a circle. And being we have a pretty long driveway, at first I decided I would run to the end of the driveway and up and around the circle and back down, and back up the driveway. Amazingly enough, as I made it back down to the driveway, I decided to run to the bottom of the hill (bottom of the street where you pull in) and in my mind I knew I wouldn't make it back up the hill so I thought that even if I had to walk my way back up, at least I did SOMETHING having to do with this plan of mine. But I tell ya, I don't know if I actually had some motivation, determination, or just luck, I actually was able to run back up the hill and back up the driveway. I know this is nothing huge, but being I haven't ran for years (yes, I have always been the type that I only run when I am being chased! haha!) I was actually so proud of myself. I was able to run for 15 minutes straight before getting so out of breath I couldn't stand it anymore. And, I was actually very proud of myself once I made it back to the door. For the first time in months, I put my mind to something and I accomplished it. It might have not been anything huge or overly exciting to some, but this was such a big deal to me today! I'm not sure if it's true about the endorphins, or the fact I actually got up and moved instead of moving like a two toed sloth like normally, or if I was just delirious from lack of oxygen from breathing so hard, but I actually felt a lot better after my mini jog. Of course, it could have been just the placebo effect of it, and if that is the case, so be it. I fell for it, and I will continue to fall for it. Tomorrow, my goal is to run the length I did today, and try to make it up to the circle and back to the driveway one more time. I have to watch myself.. I tend to think I can do something the very first try and if I don't succeed, I tend to say to hell with it. So, when I say I have to watch myself, I mean that I have to keep in mind that this is going to be a work in progress. Not something I am going to be able to accomplish all in one day. But, in all honesty, I feel like I actually have something to work towards and to look forward to. Something to prove I can do... even if I am only proving it to myself. And who knows, if I am able to keep this up, one day I will be able to run the entire length of my thinking of Derek and not have to cut him short. But for now, in order to keep my sanity, I am going to have to limit my "major" thinking of him to the length of my running. OK, you got me. I obviously cant just stop thinking of him when I quit running my everlasting 15 mins right now, but for now, it will allow me to stomp some of it out and move on to the next task with him on my mind instead of limiting myself to sitting on the couch thinking of him for hours and hours only seeming like minutes. Not so sure if this will make any sense or not, but I have this huge fear in me that he will be forgotten. That I will forget something about him... and in my mind, as I think of him, it is my way of never forgetting a single thing about him.
Now, with all of this rambling out of the way, I have really good news! David is officially enrolled to start school! I am so proud of him!! So many times in life people feel as if they are too old to go back to school and feel as if it is too late to even think about doing it. He has mentioned that he wished he had went to school in the past few years, but he has taken that wish and turned it into a reality. Plus, with him working 10 hours a day as it is, and sometimes 14 hours a day, I know it is something he wants to do and not something he feels like he has to do. He will be working 10 hours and then going to school from 4-8 every evening. Exhaustion is probably going to be an understatement for what he will be, but I know that he will be able to do it and will do it at his best. He truly is a very smart person. Very alert, very absorbing. He can hear something once and will know it the rest of his life so I have no doubt that he wont do good in school. And although some people say they go to school to make a better life for themselves, all he has said is that he wants to go in order to make a better living and life for us as a family. I don't know what it is about him but no matter who, what, or when, he always thinks of me before himself. It's always what Kacie wants, not what David wants. Def a good feeling considering every other man I have ever dated always put everyone and himself before me. Always! But, I am so thankful that I am not the type of person that takes advantage of him being that way. I actually had never thought of it being "whatever Kacie wants" until he said it to me one day. I can't remember what was going on that actually brought it up that day but I do remember his words... "Kacie, have I ever told you no? No, I haven't because whatever you want to do, or whatever you want, you can have. I am 42 years old. I have lived my life.. you're young. You haven't had it all, even though I did and lost it in a divorce, but just because I have done it or had it does not mean you shouldn't have the opportunity to have it or do it." I am so fortunate to have David in my life. Not just because of this scenario, but for so many reasons. He has truly became the backbone in my life. Not only is he understanding about things, but he is sincere about being there for me and being the best he can be as a person for me. He's so unselfish when it comes to our family. Grateful for him, I am.
I bet by now, you are wondering when my mind and fingers are going to end this, right? Wonder no longer, fore I am going to let your eyes take a break and rest a while. I know this is a crazy, rambling blog but as I mentioned earlier, this has been a rough week on my mind. Thankfully, getting all of this out just now has already made me feel like at least one of the elephants on my shoulders decided to jump off. In other words, I feel a "ton" better!! No pun intended! haha! =) Indeed, with this new plan, I feel another blog coming along tomorrow in order for me to brag about jogging 17 mins instead of the 15 mins I lasted today! I have a plan for the first time in months, and by god, I am going to stick to it. Bet ya!! you just wait and see!!
Monday, July 25, 2011
Journalism in the big city of cheating
If you know me, and know me well, Hell even if you don't know me but have me as a friend on facebook, then you know that I do entirely too much thinking these days. Don't get me wrong, an active mind an be a very, very good thing but an obsessive mind can drive you crazy. And with that being said, you probably already know what I am about to say! =) I've been thinking.......
I've been doing some thinking and I believe it is time to do something with my life. Yes, I am in school and am over halfway done and have every intention of finishing but when I think about what it is that I am going to be doing after school is over, I don't picture myself being anywhere around Glasgow. Well, let me rephrase that! I don't want to be anywhere around Glasgow!! I am so ready to just move from this town that I never once had dreams of staying in or near a day in my life to begin with. Cosmetology is not the best thing to do in a town that has a school for it and a million hair dressers and shops in. I think this town has more cosmetologists than anything! Especially with as small of a town as it is, this place has nothing to better my future when it comes to cosmetology. Yes, I miss doing hair in a shop like crazy and have every intention of getting back in one when school is over. If I love it then why am I back in school you ask? Well, let me explain! Since day one I have had intentions, plans, and dreams of opening my own salon. And as the years have gone by, I have watched so many independent business owners open their doors and close them within a matter of a few months to a year. Some of that could be caused from trying to open something in a town that has no future being nobody in this town believes in spending money. Hey! You get what you pay for!! i used to not believe that but trust me, I am a full believer now! And along with the problem of nobody wanting to spend money, you have the problem of people opening these places up without knowing how to run and manage a business so I figured if I knew how to run a shop then at least when I go bankrupt it wouldn't be because I didn't know what I was doing. =) But regardless of how well I can run a business, if nobody wants to spend money then it is never going to turn into what my dreams picture it being. So in school I am, to get my business degree!
Even though these have been my hopes and dreams for as long as I can remember, in the past year or so, I have pictured it happening but just not in Glasgow. You wouldn't be able to look at me right now and believe it but my whole life I have had this ambition in me to prove to the world that I am not going to just be a nobody. Somewhere in the world people are going to know who I am. Not just who I am, but what I have made happen for myself and what I have become. Sounds cliche', I know but I am dead serious. And with the way this town is, I am sure this paragraph alone is getting someapplause good laughs in right now. I have never in my life seen a town so stuck up yet so negative at the same time. The only reason people are known in this town is because their families never left. It's not because they have really done anything big with their lives or accomplished something major. Seriously! Think about it! Which, lord forbid if something good is happening to someone! Everybody is so miserable in this town they cant stand to see another individual succeed or be happy. I hate small town living. Small town thoughts. Small town attitudes. I want to be where everybody doesn't know everybody. Where some privacy in your life does exist because there are too many people to just focus on anybody other than yourself. Also, in the big cities, you have so many more opportunities! Heck, even working as a server you would make triple what you ever would here!! I have every intention and hope in the world of owning and running a successful salon one day, but I do indeed love to write and while I have been doing all of this thinking, I have actually considered journalism. I would absolutely LOVE to work for a famous magazine writing columns and articles for it! That would be soooo up my ally! =) Who knows? Maybe once I get away and open a salon, I can go back to school for journalism and then have the chance to live up everything I have ever dreamed of doing? You never know!! It could happen! Anything you put your mind to can happen! And who knows! Maybe I could have my own book one day! =)
I know that some may think I am crazy for thinking this way or that I am being conceited in some weird warped way but I also know that the people that usually think like that when reading or hearing someone say these things are the people that are jealous,envious,spiteful,etc..... you know who I am talking about! Everybody knows someone like I just described! Everybody does!! I have a few that come to mind! More than I like to claim I know actually.... I don't get why people just cant be happy for someone else around here. When i find out something good happening to someone I know, or hear about what they want to do in life, I actually get excited for them. Why in the world would anybody want to see another person fail? Even worse, why would anybody wish to see them fail? That is something I will never in my life understand. The same as I don't get the whole jealousy thing some people have. Why in the world would you be jealous of somebody else? Being jealous does nothing for you. It's not going to change your looks, or your life. The only thing that can change anything in your life is yourself and yourself only. And if these people would spend as much time and energy trying to change their life as they do focusing on someone else's and criticizing, they would turn out to be something huge in this world. Unfortunately, they have bad energy and that's the type of energy that keeps them running in place instead of up the hill.... Heck, maybe I should just be a psychiatrist with the way I study and analyze everything!! haha! The human mind can be a very fascinating thing to learn about! Sometimes, I cant help but giggle when someone thinks they have the world fooled yet you see right through them and can tell them more about their actions and why they do the things they do, than they could explain about themselves.
Oh my, I am watching Steve Wilkos while creating this blog and I swear, this man on here has really got my mind going! lol Okay, he admits that he has cheated on his wife 3 times. When Steve asked him why he cheated on her, he response was "my wife only sleeps with me 6 times a year and I needed another woman to give me the attention my wife wasn't giving me." Yes, I am certain that some of you may think he is scum for cheating on her, and although I don't believe in cheating because why be with someone if you're just going to cheat on them all the time? I mean, aren't you with someone because you love them? Supposedly! And If you love this person then why would you intentionally want to hurt them the way cheating does? It just makes no sense to me. BUT back to where I am going with this!.... I actually see why he did cheat on her... I totally get his story. BUT what in the world made this man think that cheating on her would get her to sleep with him more? Surely he knew she was going to cut him off for sure after she found out!!! And surely she couldn't have been too shocked when she found out he cheated again! I mean think about it.... he cheats because she isn't sleeping with him enough, she finds out, cuts him off. So what did she think he was going to do once she cut him off completely if he already wasn't satisfied with only 6 times a year? Lets see... he cheated on me because he wasn't getting it enough, so now that I've cut him off, I'm sure he will stay at home. Yeah right!! She should have seen it coming! It couldn't have smacked her in the face any harder than if she had told him he could and he did! lol
Now that I have gotten off topic and lost my train of thought, I suppose I could do the honor of ending this one....=) Plus, better save your eyes, I feel a new one sooner than you think!
I've been doing some thinking and I believe it is time to do something with my life. Yes, I am in school and am over halfway done and have every intention of finishing but when I think about what it is that I am going to be doing after school is over, I don't picture myself being anywhere around Glasgow. Well, let me rephrase that! I don't want to be anywhere around Glasgow!! I am so ready to just move from this town that I never once had dreams of staying in or near a day in my life to begin with. Cosmetology is not the best thing to do in a town that has a school for it and a million hair dressers and shops in. I think this town has more cosmetologists than anything! Especially with as small of a town as it is, this place has nothing to better my future when it comes to cosmetology. Yes, I miss doing hair in a shop like crazy and have every intention of getting back in one when school is over. If I love it then why am I back in school you ask? Well, let me explain! Since day one I have had intentions, plans, and dreams of opening my own salon. And as the years have gone by, I have watched so many independent business owners open their doors and close them within a matter of a few months to a year. Some of that could be caused from trying to open something in a town that has no future being nobody in this town believes in spending money. Hey! You get what you pay for!! i used to not believe that but trust me, I am a full believer now! And along with the problem of nobody wanting to spend money, you have the problem of people opening these places up without knowing how to run and manage a business so I figured if I knew how to run a shop then at least when I go bankrupt it wouldn't be because I didn't know what I was doing. =) But regardless of how well I can run a business, if nobody wants to spend money then it is never going to turn into what my dreams picture it being. So in school I am, to get my business degree!
Even though these have been my hopes and dreams for as long as I can remember, in the past year or so, I have pictured it happening but just not in Glasgow. You wouldn't be able to look at me right now and believe it but my whole life I have had this ambition in me to prove to the world that I am not going to just be a nobody. Somewhere in the world people are going to know who I am. Not just who I am, but what I have made happen for myself and what I have become. Sounds cliche', I know but I am dead serious. And with the way this town is, I am sure this paragraph alone is getting some
I know that some may think I am crazy for thinking this way or that I am being conceited in some weird warped way but I also know that the people that usually think like that when reading or hearing someone say these things are the people that are jealous,envious,spiteful,etc..... you know who I am talking about! Everybody knows someone like I just described! Everybody does!! I have a few that come to mind! More than I like to claim I know actually.... I don't get why people just cant be happy for someone else around here. When i find out something good happening to someone I know, or hear about what they want to do in life, I actually get excited for them. Why in the world would anybody want to see another person fail? Even worse, why would anybody wish to see them fail? That is something I will never in my life understand. The same as I don't get the whole jealousy thing some people have. Why in the world would you be jealous of somebody else? Being jealous does nothing for you. It's not going to change your looks, or your life. The only thing that can change anything in your life is yourself and yourself only. And if these people would spend as much time and energy trying to change their life as they do focusing on someone else's and criticizing, they would turn out to be something huge in this world. Unfortunately, they have bad energy and that's the type of energy that keeps them running in place instead of up the hill.... Heck, maybe I should just be a psychiatrist with the way I study and analyze everything!! haha! The human mind can be a very fascinating thing to learn about! Sometimes, I cant help but giggle when someone thinks they have the world fooled yet you see right through them and can tell them more about their actions and why they do the things they do, than they could explain about themselves.
Oh my, I am watching Steve Wilkos while creating this blog and I swear, this man on here has really got my mind going! lol Okay, he admits that he has cheated on his wife 3 times. When Steve asked him why he cheated on her, he response was "my wife only sleeps with me 6 times a year and I needed another woman to give me the attention my wife wasn't giving me." Yes, I am certain that some of you may think he is scum for cheating on her, and although I don't believe in cheating because why be with someone if you're just going to cheat on them all the time? I mean, aren't you with someone because you love them? Supposedly! And If you love this person then why would you intentionally want to hurt them the way cheating does? It just makes no sense to me. BUT back to where I am going with this!.... I actually see why he did cheat on her... I totally get his story. BUT what in the world made this man think that cheating on her would get her to sleep with him more? Surely he knew she was going to cut him off for sure after she found out!!! And surely she couldn't have been too shocked when she found out he cheated again! I mean think about it.... he cheats because she isn't sleeping with him enough, she finds out, cuts him off. So what did she think he was going to do once she cut him off completely if he already wasn't satisfied with only 6 times a year? Lets see... he cheated on me because he wasn't getting it enough, so now that I've cut him off, I'm sure he will stay at home. Yeah right!! She should have seen it coming! It couldn't have smacked her in the face any harder than if she had told him he could and he did! lol
Now that I have gotten off topic and lost my train of thought, I suppose I could do the honor of ending this one....=) Plus, better save your eyes, I feel a new one sooner than you think!
Saturday, July 23, 2011
what if's and what has
I might become a rambler in about 17.4 seconds so beware!
Yes, I realize life has changed and I am only getting older each year when it is a Saturday night, Trenton is at his dads, and I am sitting on the couch watching TV instead of being out and about socializing like I used to do..... And while watching TV, I couldn't pass up the chance to watch the Natalie Holloway story. I remember keeping up with the news about this girl when it all first happened and somehow am just now getting around to watching the movie about her. So far, its a really good one but as I have been sitting here and watching this, so many things have ran through my mind. I think about all the times me and my girlfriends were out having a good time, and having a few drinks while dancing the night away. There was always some guy that just fell into the trap of long eyelashes blinking slowly at him across the room with a plan of getting free drinks for the night. :) They fell for it. Every. Time. But is a free drink really worth what the outcome could be? For all we could have known, any one of those guys could have been a serial murderer or rapist. A soul with no soul. A body formation only. Waiting. Waiting for that right girl to blink that long extended blink at them just that one time to let them know she noticed them. And although we always thought it was harmless fun and we all knew we weren't going to leave with them, that doesn't mean we were clear of bad luck. Those guys could have waited for us to go to the car, followed us home, anything. Just name it. You just never know. I actually was always so paranoid of men that when I met David, I actually refused to go on a date with him alone for the first time. He is from Atlanta, so in my mind all I could think was that I didn't know him and had nobody to ask about him. He could have been anyone or anything if I must say it like that. So our first date was in fact a double date to Nashville! :) haha!! Luckily, I was proved wrong about my assumptions of what he may or may not have been! Way, way, way wrong!! And luckily, I can say he turned out to be so much more than I ever dreamed of him being! =)
Oh my gosh!! I can't believe I almost forgot!! The New Kids on the Block concert!! Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!!! It was absolutely the best concert I have ever been to in my life! Hands down! The best! I had the best time!! It was so fun to act like I was 6yrs old all over again!! Yes, I still remember every word, and every single dance move!! haha! I was always a Joey fan and let me tell ya, when he came out and opened his mouth right off the bat, I nearly had a mini stroke on the spot! I was recording the first little bit and it is hilarious to watch because you see all of them standing there and everyone screaming for them, and then when Joey steps up and starts singing the camera goes down and you can hear me going crazy! =) Plus, as if the concert wasn't the greatest, I also got to enjoy the experience with one of my best friends, Jen! A good treat for us both since she lives in Indiana and I don't get to see her often enough at all! And of course when the cat is away, the mice will play! LOL!! So she and I went to 4th street live and hung out at Sully's for the remainder of the night where apparently every other girl that was leaving the concert went because it was nothing but a tit fest up in there!! But, there is one good thing about that.... They knew we were new kids fans so they kept the new kids music going for us! haha!! And apparently, I enjoyed it all too well because on the way home I was trying to text Jen's bf Jay, and it was supposed to say "we're on our way" but it was "qrpm; 0hf" or something of that sort! haha! I laughed and laughed when I saw that!! And I moaned and moaned the next day because I sure haven't felt that bad I don't think since my Bachelorette party!! Now, that night was a drunken adventure! So drunken that I couldn't even get a single drink down me at the wedding the following weekend! I was still recuperating from the bach party a week later! Hey, what can I say? I'm not a big drinker and I hardly ever, ever, ever drink...so yeah, you know where I am going with this one! =) Long story short... best night ever in a long time!! Which, I would have given anything if I could have called my brother. =( When I was excited, he would get excited. Now, now, don't get me wrong, He def would have had a couple little quirks to throw at me being it was the new kids but it would all be love and fun and games like always between us. I remember when I very first started this blog, after a few I made a bucket list in the making on one of the blogs and Derek read it and took it as serious as I do.... new years came, I didn't have the money to get a new dress and was just going to make something work and actually had told Derek I had to figure something out... what's he do? He calls me on the eve of new years eve and tells me to go to walmart. He had sent me $150 to buy a new sparkly dress, and after getting all giggly and excited and thanking him, before hanging up, he said "Hey sis, wait!" after saying "yeah?" and pausing for a reply, he said, "Be sure to mark wearing a sparkly dress to a big party off your bucket list" I don't think I will ever part with that dress. No matter how old, or how many times I move, I will always keep it hanging in my closet. I never dreamed that would be one of the last things my brother ever got me.... and I know he didn't dream it either.... But on my bucket list was also to go see NKOTB. He would be excited to know within 7 months, 2 things have already been marked off my list.
Speaking of Derek... I have to get my emotions in check and get his art show in the works. He and I used to talk about how bad it sucked for artists. They never became famous until after they were dead. Nobody cherished their work and gave them the credit for it while living but their art became everything once they were gone. I stood at Derek's casket and promised him I was going to take his art and make him famous. So far, I haven't had the strength to even go through them and work on it. But, I'm feeling that sooner than later, way sooner than later, I am going to get it up and going. I think I have came to the conclusion that if I keep waiting until my emotions aren't as strong about him not being here, then it will never get done so I just need to keep in mind the promise I made him, and show him that I meant it. So when I am able to get the details, I will be sure to let everyone know. And once I do, if you can tell someone you know and tell them to tell someone they know, maybe his dream of being a famous artist and my promise to him that he will be, will come true. Gosh how I pray it happens for him! So if any of you know by chance what I need to do in order to help this happen, please, please, please let me know!!
And finally, one last thing to tell ya and I will hush hush! =) Last night, Trenton informed me out of the blue that last year in school while on the playground the boys in his class voted me as the "hottest mom of the classroom" haha! At least someone thinks I'm hot! lol No seriously though, when he was telling me this, I didn't know whether to laugh or sit there in shock!! I asked him what he thought about it and he said "Oh mommy, I already know you're pretty! but I don't like the boys saying you are!" so sweet the way he said that to me! And I couldn't help but wonder what it will turn out to be like when he is a teenager. I could just hear some teenage boys saying "Hey! Lets go to Trent's house! His mom is freaking hottttt!" haha Just kidding!!!
FINALLY- seriously, I am done! Its amazing how I really don't know what intent I have behind these blogs when I log in and start one but I somehow manage to keep going and going. I guess when you are a talkative person, you tend to talk a lot typing also. =) Happy Saturday!
Yes, I realize life has changed and I am only getting older each year when it is a Saturday night, Trenton is at his dads, and I am sitting on the couch watching TV instead of being out and about socializing like I used to do..... And while watching TV, I couldn't pass up the chance to watch the Natalie Holloway story. I remember keeping up with the news about this girl when it all first happened and somehow am just now getting around to watching the movie about her. So far, its a really good one but as I have been sitting here and watching this, so many things have ran through my mind. I think about all the times me and my girlfriends were out having a good time, and having a few drinks while dancing the night away. There was always some guy that just fell into the trap of long eyelashes blinking slowly at him across the room with a plan of getting free drinks for the night. :) They fell for it. Every. Time. But is a free drink really worth what the outcome could be? For all we could have known, any one of those guys could have been a serial murderer or rapist. A soul with no soul. A body formation only. Waiting. Waiting for that right girl to blink that long extended blink at them just that one time to let them know she noticed them. And although we always thought it was harmless fun and we all knew we weren't going to leave with them, that doesn't mean we were clear of bad luck. Those guys could have waited for us to go to the car, followed us home, anything. Just name it. You just never know. I actually was always so paranoid of men that when I met David, I actually refused to go on a date with him alone for the first time. He is from Atlanta, so in my mind all I could think was that I didn't know him and had nobody to ask about him. He could have been anyone or anything if I must say it like that. So our first date was in fact a double date to Nashville! :) haha!! Luckily, I was proved wrong about my assumptions of what he may or may not have been! Way, way, way wrong!! And luckily, I can say he turned out to be so much more than I ever dreamed of him being! =)
Oh my gosh!! I can't believe I almost forgot!! The New Kids on the Block concert!! Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!!! It was absolutely the best concert I have ever been to in my life! Hands down! The best! I had the best time!! It was so fun to act like I was 6yrs old all over again!! Yes, I still remember every word, and every single dance move!! haha! I was always a Joey fan and let me tell ya, when he came out and opened his mouth right off the bat, I nearly had a mini stroke on the spot! I was recording the first little bit and it is hilarious to watch because you see all of them standing there and everyone screaming for them, and then when Joey steps up and starts singing the camera goes down and you can hear me going crazy! =) Plus, as if the concert wasn't the greatest, I also got to enjoy the experience with one of my best friends, Jen! A good treat for us both since she lives in Indiana and I don't get to see her often enough at all! And of course when the cat is away, the mice will play! LOL!! So she and I went to 4th street live and hung out at Sully's for the remainder of the night where apparently every other girl that was leaving the concert went because it was nothing but a tit fest up in there!! But, there is one good thing about that.... They knew we were new kids fans so they kept the new kids music going for us! haha!! And apparently, I enjoyed it all too well because on the way home I was trying to text Jen's bf Jay, and it was supposed to say "we're on our way" but it was "qrpm; 0hf" or something of that sort! haha! I laughed and laughed when I saw that!! And I moaned and moaned the next day because I sure haven't felt that bad I don't think since my Bachelorette party!! Now, that night was a drunken adventure! So drunken that I couldn't even get a single drink down me at the wedding the following weekend! I was still recuperating from the bach party a week later! Hey, what can I say? I'm not a big drinker and I hardly ever, ever, ever drink...so yeah, you know where I am going with this one! =) Long story short... best night ever in a long time!! Which, I would have given anything if I could have called my brother. =( When I was excited, he would get excited. Now, now, don't get me wrong, He def would have had a couple little quirks to throw at me being it was the new kids but it would all be love and fun and games like always between us. I remember when I very first started this blog, after a few I made a bucket list in the making on one of the blogs and Derek read it and took it as serious as I do.... new years came, I didn't have the money to get a new dress and was just going to make something work and actually had told Derek I had to figure something out... what's he do? He calls me on the eve of new years eve and tells me to go to walmart. He had sent me $150 to buy a new sparkly dress, and after getting all giggly and excited and thanking him, before hanging up, he said "Hey sis, wait!" after saying "yeah?" and pausing for a reply, he said, "Be sure to mark wearing a sparkly dress to a big party off your bucket list" I don't think I will ever part with that dress. No matter how old, or how many times I move, I will always keep it hanging in my closet. I never dreamed that would be one of the last things my brother ever got me.... and I know he didn't dream it either.... But on my bucket list was also to go see NKOTB. He would be excited to know within 7 months, 2 things have already been marked off my list.
Speaking of Derek... I have to get my emotions in check and get his art show in the works. He and I used to talk about how bad it sucked for artists. They never became famous until after they were dead. Nobody cherished their work and gave them the credit for it while living but their art became everything once they were gone. I stood at Derek's casket and promised him I was going to take his art and make him famous. So far, I haven't had the strength to even go through them and work on it. But, I'm feeling that sooner than later, way sooner than later, I am going to get it up and going. I think I have came to the conclusion that if I keep waiting until my emotions aren't as strong about him not being here, then it will never get done so I just need to keep in mind the promise I made him, and show him that I meant it. So when I am able to get the details, I will be sure to let everyone know. And once I do, if you can tell someone you know and tell them to tell someone they know, maybe his dream of being a famous artist and my promise to him that he will be, will come true. Gosh how I pray it happens for him! So if any of you know by chance what I need to do in order to help this happen, please, please, please let me know!!
And finally, one last thing to tell ya and I will hush hush! =) Last night, Trenton informed me out of the blue that last year in school while on the playground the boys in his class voted me as the "hottest mom of the classroom" haha! At least someone thinks I'm hot! lol No seriously though, when he was telling me this, I didn't know whether to laugh or sit there in shock!! I asked him what he thought about it and he said "Oh mommy, I already know you're pretty! but I don't like the boys saying you are!" so sweet the way he said that to me! And I couldn't help but wonder what it will turn out to be like when he is a teenager. I could just hear some teenage boys saying "Hey! Lets go to Trent's house! His mom is freaking hottttt!" haha Just kidding!!!
FINALLY- seriously, I am done! Its amazing how I really don't know what intent I have behind these blogs when I log in and start one but I somehow manage to keep going and going. I guess when you are a talkative person, you tend to talk a lot typing also. =) Happy Saturday!
Friday, July 15, 2011
short n not so sweet
What a past few days!! They have been exhausting! And not necessarily physically exhausted, but mentally. A rough week is an understatement as to what I have. Not really sure what the problem has been other than just being severly depressed and of course when you're depressed, it seems as if everything in your life is going wrong when oddly, it really is no different than the week before. Well, scratch that. It is different in the fact that you do not have the mind set to brush everything off as you normally do. What do I mean about this? My brother. I think about him every single day of my life and yes, some days I am able to still function and be my normal self (somewhat) yet days like this week, I just can't shake it. I have done nothing but think about him and sit couped up in the house. I've actually been so down, I have temporarily deactivated Facebook in an attempt to try and motivate myself to get out of the house some. No, I dont put my life on hold to sit at the house and facebook all of the time, but when you are already as depressed as I am right now and you already just sit on the couch most of your day and have no desire to really do anything else, facebook does allow you to stay even more occupied and before you know it, you've been sitting there even longer on the couch. AHH! My brain. Geeze! It's like it has a million things to scream out to the world, but nothing to say. You know me, it's not like me to just leave ya hanging with a blog so short, so yes, I am sure of it, There will be more later!
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