Mature Audiences Only :)

Warning! I am about to unleash the bitch in me...

First and foremost, I am sick and tired of ignorant people. I mean at the age of 30, I would honestly think that some type of sense would come to you. It's not as if your exactly a spring chick. My 8 yr old has more common sense and smarts than some adult people I know! And these people that are to the degree of being so ignorant, I would almost classify them as having a syndrome of some type, seem to think that it is everyone else in the world around them. Maybe I am crazy for thinking this, but it just seems to me that if you absolutely can not get along with anybody that you come into contact with, and every single person that knows you run their mouth about the type of person you are, it is you and not everyone else. Maybe if other people actually liked  you and you just had a problem with one person, I may lean towards your side and believe that the other person just has an issue but being it is every single person that knows you, I do believe it is you. I know it is you. And on top of you just being an idiot in general, you really want to believe that you are something special. Being a liar, a thief, a user, and abuser does not make you special. It makes you sorry. Just because you are so conniving towards the people that actually try to be something to you does not mean that everyone else in the world thinks the same way. I know it may be hard for you to believe but the normal, functioning part of the world does not think, nor act the way you do! You think you have it all when you have no a pot to piss in. If it weren't for you scheming the world around you, you wouldn't have nothing. Not a bite to eat, not a roof over your head, and no gas to drive. Unfortunately, you see nothing wrong with your actions and that in fact is the reason that I am over people like you. You see nothing wrong with what you do, therefore you will never open up and even have a thought of changing. The only person that does have anything to do with you is the person that in fact depends on your antics themselves. And, you hate each other to top it off. You think running your mouth is going to break someone but the sad truth to the story is, you are already broken beyond repair. Nothing you say can fix the thoughts and realizations you have about yourself. You may act like you are big and tough and like you are so much better than someone else, but in fact, you know different. If you didn't know any different then you would not have the complexes that you have about yourself. You are so self conscious and insecure that you yourself make yourself crazy over the thought of not being what you wish you could be. But instead of doing like most people do when they don't like something, they change it, you would rather sit around and believe that you are too good to even think of changing anything about your life. Nobody is ever too good to change. And if you weren't on such a high horse about yourself all of the time, you might actually have some hope of being someone one day. You are worthless in more ways than I can begin to describe. You bring nothing to the table to anyone in your life and that is probably why you have nobody in your life to begin with. I used to feel sorry for you and think that nobody gave you a chance, I too realize why nobody gives you a chance. There is no such thing as a chance with you because you will take it and screw it up every time by thinking you are someone and something you can't even dream of being. You are the most conniving and vain person I have ever met in my life and boy, let me tell ya, I have met some!! Forever is a long time, and being lonely is even longer. I would hate to know that what you are is what you will be for the rest of your life. A lonely, bitter, cold soul is all that you are. There is no warmth in your heart, no sparkle in your eye. It is as if people are looking in the eyes of a dead man walking. You my dear, are the reason people like me lock our doors at night. The reason we watch our kids while they are outside playing. And the reason people like me strive to be a better person in life. To watch the way you act, if that doesn't open someones eyes up as to what they don't want to be like, then I don't know what would! You can keep riding into town on that high horse of yours, but one day that horse himself is going to get tired of the dead weight you are and kick you off. And when he does, I hope it breaks you. That is, if you don't mess with the wrong person before then and they break you. Good luck in life because I'm telling ya, you need all that you can get!!! And for the fact of the matter, regardless of how you act and what you do, I still pray that god will have mercy on your soul!

Okay- my ranting is over. Ignorant people really get under my skin. Especially right now. As if I don't have enough crap going on in my mind and in my head, I don't need someone else adding anything to my plate. They too will know what hurt is one day because for one, they can only hurt so many people until it comes back on them. yes, karma is a bitch. And I assume that when something does happen, they themselves will be looking to have a pity party and calling and wanting you to join in with them, and that will. not. happen. with me. There will be no need to call and expect me to sympathize for them because I have none for them. I am fresh out. The reason people's lives are the way they are is because they let them get that way and they themselves don't care enough for themselves to want to change and do anything about it. If someone cant care for them self, then how do they expect anyone else to care for them? If you have no respect for yourself, how do you expect anyone else to respect you? You cant. It doesn't happen and it wont happen. And when their world is falling apart, they just like everyone else will need someone to be there for them during that time. And when nobody is, they can do nothing but blame themselves for the situation they are in and facing alone. Even funnier part is when they want to try and bash you and throw stuff at you that totally makes no sense. You really want to compare what we have against each other? I really don't think that is the line you want to go down.... you have...well..lets see.. hmm... umm... a bad aura? Bravo! Way to go on that one big guy! And regardless of the fact about who has what... I could care less when it comes to materialistic things. I am surround by people that actually care about me and love me. They prove it to me everyday! And I have a great group of friends that you in fact know nothing about because they too would have nothing to do with you because of the things you do and the ways you are. The only person you have is the one using you and the one that your so jealous of, you wont let go even though you two hate each other. Not exactly what I would compare to other people to try and convince them they are just jealous of you!

Ok I lied- I obviously had a little bit more ranting to go on with! I am just at my Witt's end when it comes to people! If I can make it without my brother being here, and can make it without his companionship for the rest of my life, I can definitely make it without people that do nothing but try to drag you down in life. I am officially divorcing a few people in my life. Cutting all strings. Calling it closing time. I have been back on my weight gainer and gaining weight faster than you can imagine, and just like my clothes, I have outgrown some of the hurtful, unnecessary people in my life. And instead of holding onto these clothes thinking that just because I loved them so much when they fit, I hate to get rid of them, I will be tossing them straight out the door to never see again! Not sure if you caught it or not, but I am referring to people when I talk about hanging onto these clothes. These people I am tossing out of my life, and saying good riddance to. The person who has aggravated me to no end tonight knows to expect it, but there are a few others that have it coming that are definitely going to be blindsided by this move. My brother would be proud actually to know that some of these people are going to be gone. He told me how they were for years, and although he was always right about people before, I somehow manage to keep giving people chances over and over and over. No longer is this going to happen. I have my true friends that I know are there for me and I appreciate them more than I can ever begin to express or show them, and as to the rest of them... I dont see you most of the time, or talk to you, so for you to be gone, it will be no different in my life than it is now.

Yes, as you can tell I have had a very emotional day today. The rain and drear in the sky did not help me to be in a better mood by any means. Again, as soon as my feet hit the floor, all I could think about was my brother. I have cried just as hard as I did when I found out today... I keep thinking that as much as I have cried I would have no tears left.. it is official that your tears never run out. And it if official to me that the pain in my heart is never going to run out either. I don't like being an ugly acting person. I despise it. But right now, I am nothing but a ball of emotions to begin with. At times, I think I am going crazy and at others, I feel as if I am going to be make it through this half way decent. I guess it shows the ignorance of this person to think that they are going to run one over on me right now and me sit back and let it happen like I normally would. I'm the type to where I may not like something in life, but before I go off and start ranting and raving about it, I always consider it to myself on whether or not it is truly worth it or not. Is it worth the hours and days and possibly months of tension between me and this person for me to speak up and say what I think or is it something that if I just let it go, it will do just that. Let go and disappear. Today, no I could no longer sit back and let it happen. Most of the time, I never say anything and I guess that is why when I do get mad, I go off like a stick of dynamite lit on both ends. Derek always said I was a little firecracker. I remember talking to one of his friends on the phone one night after he had moved to CT and his friend had told me that Derek described me that way. When I laughed, his friend came up with a new analogy for me. He said I was like a shrew. A small little bitty animal that would tear and eat its way through anything that got in its way and made it mad. Derek and I used that phrase from there on out. Derek said it was the perfect description of me when I want something and someone tells me I cant do it or cant have it, and the perfect description of me when I am mad at the world. Although I have been full of raging emotions to the point I almost feel as if I am a teenager with raging hormones again, I have tried my best to keep a grip on these emotions. Although the sadness seems to take over and linger more than anything, I honestly do try to take it and hold it in. At times I feel like I am going to explode if I don't let it out, but when I feel that way, I can't help but think of Trenton and realize that he still has a mom that he loves and a mom that needs to take care of him the same way she always has. A mom that is always full of energy and laughs, and that loves to run around and be as free of a spirit as he himself is. I'm sure this past month has been hard on Trenton simply because for one he too misses his Uncle D, and also, for the fact that I have not been my normal self. Although I have kept a conscious effort in my mind of trying, I know that it is not the same as I usually am. I don't find myself smiling for no reason like I used to. Used to, I was always full of smiles. If something was happening that even thought it was going to take my smile away for the shortest of minutes, I made sure I found the positive in the situation and had it right back on my face. Almost a "screw you" to whatever bad was going on. There is nothing positive about any of the situation that has caused me to be so sad and not myself. I have tried to find it, but it does not exist. I have never missed someone so much that I literally have a physical pain in my heart. Never. people keep telling me that time heals all wounds, and I am finding that even harder to believe than ever. I have never been a believer of that, but I can't imagine how time can heal this wound. I am permanently scarred. My heart will never be whole again. It is always going to have that certain void in it no matter what else is good and happening to me. As much as I miss him right now, I don't see how time can heal that feeling. I am not going to be able to do anything except miss him even more through out the years. There is no hope of seeing him to fix it for a while.

I used to think people were crazy when they would go onto facebook and write everyday to people that they loved who had passed away.. I never understood it. I now see why they do it. I do it. Every single day I have to write something to Derek on his facebook. I am not sure if it lets me feel as if I am able to still talk to him, or if it is just my way of coping and dealing with this, but I do it everyday and have to everyday. On top of the facebook posts, I find myself talking to him daily. And while sitting wherever I am and talking to him, it is almost as if I never hung up the phone with him the last time we talked. I can hear what he would be saying to me, and whether he would be laughing or not. I may sound crazy, and could possibly already be on the verge of crazy if not crazy already, but it comforts me. Although I am sad, and miss him so much it hurts and am depressed over this, and this may really sound crazy, I feel closer than ever to him. I know he is around me. I can smell him at times. Hear him. Feel him. I know he is with me, and I know he is guiding me in the directions I need to go with all of this. And with that being said, I can only imagine that it is him finding ways to finally open my eyes to some of the people around me. As I mentioned earlier, he always had a way of pin pointing how people really are, and being the hard headed person I am, it takes a while for me to learn my lesson when it comes to it. Someone telling me isn't good enough, I have to find it out the hard way every time. Maybe me seeing these things about people and feeling this way about people is Derek helping to open my eyes and eliminate any possible hurt he sees happening in my future. He always wanted the best for me, and I believe that he still has my best at his best interest. It only makes sense that he is the one leading me to these decisions that it is time to let go of some people. It has to be him. Usually, I will get a feeling like this about a person but I am notorious for ignoring my "hunches". Right now, it just seems so very crystal clear to me and very acceptable to me to let these people go. And, I do believe instead of giving him a hard time like I used to about it, I am going to follow this instinct and trust that it is Derek leading me, and make him proud of the decisions I make in life from here on out. For the first time in my life, I feel as if I am too good for something. Too good to put up with people who do nothing but use me for one. I have never had the best self esteem in the world, and it killed Derek. He never could understand why, and for that matter, I honestly dont know why I was like that either. Luckily, I am no longer that way. I haven't been that way for a while. And it feels great to know that I believe in myself, and know that I actually deserve nothing but the best in life. It may have taken some trials and tribulations in life to get to this point and help me realize these things, but luckily I have been able to take these obstacles and help them turn me into the person I have always dreamed of being. I can honestly say that I am 100% satisfied with the person I am today, and what I have going for me and my family. I may not be 100% happy with my life right now in regards to everything with Derek, but at least I can be happy with myself and deal with this. I am sure it would be even harder to be a loss with myself and also trying to take all of this in at the same time.

Today I was just sitting around and thinking and I started thinking about my wedding day. Originally David and I were going to get married in 2011 instead of 2010... after a while, we decided to just go on and do it in 2010.. I do believe that everything happens for a reason in life even though I have been denying that statement for the past month because I can find no reason as to why Derek had to be the one taken....but as I was sitting and thinking about all of this today, I believe us doing it a year before happened for a reason. Had we not, Derek would have never gotten to see me get married and would not have been able to take part in one of the biggest days of my life. To know that he got to see it, and take part, I feel so fortunate. Of course nobody knew that anything like this would be happening now, but I am so thankful that something in us told us to go on and do it. An intuition? possibly. Who knows.

Since your eyes have probably crossed from reading this terribly long blog, and since I have done nothing but rant and rave for the first part, making myself probably look as childish and immature as the person I am referring to and you are probably thinking that, I will do you a favor and end this here for the night. Don't get me wrong, I could actually go on and on about some other stuff right now. As soon as I opened this blog while ago, my fingers started going and the words just started pouring out, so apparently this blog was a must for the night. Being I actually feel as if I could say more, do expect to see a new one in the morning on top of this one!