Where to start??? Geeze that is a big question this morning. Although it seems as if so much has happened, at the same time, it seems as if nothing new has happened. You ever see the movie Ground Hog Day?? That is how I feel when it comes to the death of my brother. I get up every thing trying to fool myself into thinking I am going to have an easier day with it, yet it somehow still manages to haunt my mind day in and day out. Obsessive you could say... No matter what I am doing, or where I am, something makes me think of him. Even when I am sitting on the couch doing nothing at all, I think of him. Wonder what he would be thinking about the reborn cold weather in the North where he lived, what exciting story he'd be telling me about a new character he met, wonder if he felt like that day was going to be his last almost like he had a hunch or an intuition telling him something wasnt right, and still... and probably all of my life as it seems, I wonder if he knew he was dieing? The last wonder is somthing I think of every single day, picture in my mind.... and as if these thoughts alone arent enough to drive me crazy, I do it to myself. When I look through his things, watch a movie that was his, and anything else doing with his things, I feel ashamed. I feel guilty. I feel like they arent my things to be doing this with. I have his computer and it is finally charged, I turned it on, and an email about a tatoo popped up and I instantly turned it off. I am yet to turn it back on. And when his cellphone was finally returned, and I found out that mom looked in it, it angered me. I didnt say anything to her about feeling that way, but I know how Derek felt about people going through his things, especially mom. He would be so aggrivated! But I have to stop myself because as bad as I am taking this, my mom is a hundred times worst.
My life... oh god, my life. My life is nowhere near what it used to be. In January had you asked me how I felt about my life I would have said I was happier than I had ever been or knew to exist. That my life was finally complete. Since February, I no longer feel this way. I do not like this new way of life without my brother! Life is no longer complete without him here and I honestly feel as if it will never be complete again. I feel like people think I should have moved on with this by now, or that I am stupid with how I feel. Do you ever move on when it comes to someone you love so much? Be it they are dead or alive... I dont think you do. If they are alive, you long to be with them again. If they are dead, you long to be with them again. So maybe the people that think I should have moved on are the fools by not realizing this. Not me. Oh well, sounds better with them being the fools instead of me, right? =)
On mother's day, my mom and I both recieved a flower arrangement from Derek's coworkers at ESPN. It made the 6th flower arrangement I had recieved in 1 week!! Have I ever told you how much I LOVE flowers? So, you can only imagine how much it excited me to recieve this beautiful bouquet! But, I can assure you that I was even more excited over the flowers because as I was tryng to find the perfect spot for them, I couldnt help but cry with joy at the fact that my brother made such an impact on so many people's lives that they now have taken on his thoughtful ways when it came to me and mom. I'm sure they have no idea what this did for me, and absolutely there is no way they can begin to imagine what this did for Mom, but I can't help but
And... with every intention for this to be happy, and opening to things new in my life, apparently this morning is not the one. Again, Derek is on my mind and if I keep going, I am afraid I might short my computer out with the tears falling from my eyes. So for now, this is what you get. One good thing, at least I got a new one up...... and as Nancy Grace signs off "good bye friends"
