Dear Derek

To my dearest Brother,

      As you have seen every day for the past month, I am sad. I am sadder than I have ever known to be possible and I am lonelier feeling that I have ever dreamed of knowing. I have people around me that care, yes, but regardless, none of them make up for not having you. People keep telling me that it will get easier over time, and honestly, I am not so sure of that. I can't begin to imagine how any of this will ever be considered easy to my mind and soul. It's not easy not having you to call, to hear. It's not easy not having your quick witted jokes and laughter. It's not easy accepting that all I have left of you are the memories we made together and that there will be no more to add in the years to come. I believe that it is easier to convince myself that this is all a bad dream that I will wake up from one day than it is to believe that this is the truth to my life and it is a real nightmare that I will never wake from. Although I talked to you every day nearly, I feel as if it wasn't enough. I know that you already know, but I still talk to you every day. You always guided me in life and I believe that you are still there and doing just that. You may not be able to come out and tell me what you think should be done, or what you think would be best for me, but I feel as if you are going to guide me and show me what you feel and think about it and lead me to what is in the best interest of me according to your eyes. I sit and wonder how I am going to be able to deal with the obstacles life throws at me without having you to remind me of who I truly am, and reminding me of what good I bring to everyone around me without even knowing it, and of course reminding me of what we were raised to do in certain situations. When people think of being raised, they envision their parents teaching them. When I think of it, I think of you. You were the one who taught me everything I know, and the one who guided me through every day life. Whether it be you picking me up and placing me on the first step of the school bus because I was too short to step up on it by myself at 5 yrs old, or you coming home from school and always cooking me my afternoon snacks of canned chicken and dumplings. Speaking of which, remember the time you were trying to open the can of chicken and dumplings and some how managed to nearly cut the end of your finger off on the top to the can? I remember running and grabbing the toilet paper roll and you having your whole arm wrapped in a make shift ace bandage when mom came in that evening. I remember sitting in your room listening to music through your big old school headphones and you having to remind me that just because I couldn't hear myself talking, I didn't have to yell. :) Me being me and always into mischief, I remember running to your room to hide behind your bed when I was about to get a swat from the switch I myself had to pick out for my own spanking. You would stand there and refuse to let mom or dad into the room to me. Then when mom and dad got divorced, you became more than my brother. That is when you truly became my protector in life and the person I looked to for comfort. Regardless of how you felt, you made sure that I was the main priority in your life. You made sure that I knew everything was going to okay whether or not you ever truly felt it at the time or not. Since we had gotten older you had expressed to me how proud you were of me in life and how you were so proud of who and what I had become considering the circumstances I had been thrown at certain times in life. I told you then, but I have really thought about it a lot more in the past few weeks and I have to say with everything in me that it is because of you, I am who I am. You were the one teaching me the common sense of the streets, the morals of having a true heart, what a friend is and should be, and most importantly, the true definition of what unconditional love is. You have told me how proud you are of the mother I am to Trenton, but I can not take the full credit on it myself. You are the one who taught me to love with everything I have in me. To not just love parts of people but to love that person as a whole. Regardless of what someone ever did, you always found a way to see past it and to see what that person was truly made of. Something I always admired you for. Having you to talk to and be the one to lead me through life, I always had you to remind me of what life was truly about. Passion and love. Not the money, or the status of someone. Now, I have to try and figure out how to still find the beauty in the world around me without you here to remind me it exists. I am not quite sure on how or if I will for sure find a way to do this, but I know that you will find a way to make me see it. Whether it be the daffodils and daisies I love so much blooming early, or a beautiful day to free my spirit, I know that it is going to be a part of you making it happen for me. I know that you still know what I need in life and I know that you will help make it happen for me. To say that I believe this with everything in me does help me, but I can't lie to you and say that it makes any of this any easier on me. I would rather you be here to tell me what you feel and think rather than me having to guess and wait for a sign from you. I guess I am selfish. Apparently...considering the fact that at this point in time I should just be grateful to know in my heart that you are still with me. Some people are never able to accept the thought that their loved ones still embark the journey of life with them every day.... I am not sure how they can manage to convince themselves of this not being true, but I am thankful that in my heart, I know it to be true. I can feel you around me at times. I know when I saw the rainbow cloud the other day that it was you assuring me that everything will work its way out in the end. And I know you were with me in the car when the scent of you came across me so strong it was as if I were hugging you right there. I asked you to put in a good word for me and get me some sunshine, and you did. I told you about me reading the book The Lovely Bones.... and how it really made you think about things and think about all the "what ifs" when someone is gone.... lately, that book has really stuck in my mind. I wonder if you are in a place like Suzie Salmon was... you're very own heaven. Depending on what you need, and the people you loved the most need, depends on where you are, what you are doing, and what is around you. You always had a song for every occasion. Whether it be a pick me up song, an emotional one to listen and vent your feelings out through, or just a classic that would always be a favorite of yours... I wonder if you are in your heaven listening to Nick Cave and Johnny Cash, talking and reflecting with others with the same interest as you that also have a part of your heaven as theirs. I like the thought of this heaven. A heaven that is based on what you need and feel. I can only imagine what it would be like for you. Old brick paved streets lined with neon lights, with random skate ramps on the corners. And as you decide to pick up your skateboard and take off, the roads turn to the smoothest cement for perfect riding. And after you skate your hearts desire out, you stop to sit on a bench and talk to someone who is in your heaven because this too is a part of what their heaven is. You sit there and talk to them about everyone you ever loved, every song that ever moved your soul. And as you decide to fuel the need to paint as you always did, you have the largest canvas and unlimited supplies you could ever imagine. And as you stand there dipping your paintbrushes into the thick paint and placing the bristles against the canvas and start the creation of yet another masterpiece done by you, it may be a canvas you see, but it is the sky for me. With each stroke of your brush, it is a cloud, a swirl, a new color added to the sunset I am seeing from below. And as the stars come out at night, you are standing there with a mirror in just the right position to make it a little brighter for it to stand out to me here on Earth. And as you stand there moving the mirror in just the right angle and twist each time, it is you making the stars glitter and twinkle for me to see. Almost as if it is your way of saying "hello" and "I am here". Some people may think I am crazy for thinking this, but I know you understand me and you understand where I am coming from with these thoughts.  You are notorious for thinking outside of the box, and always able to see where someone is coming from with their thoughts and opinions even if you have never stopped to think of it that way before or not... and being you are so good at this, that is why I know you understand me when I talk about it being your heaven. I know that one day, when it is time for me to go to my heaven, I will see you there. Just as I do in my life, I will need you in my heaven and since our heavens are what we need, we will be together again.

     I've never seen anyone love like you, and I've never seen someone so loved by people like you. You talked about your friends all the time, and what they meant to you. At times you were afraid that they didn't know how much they truly meant to you... I promise you they do. I have seen it in the past month. I have seen how much they loved you too. I worry that you never realized what you meant to me and the people around you. But at the same time, I know you see it now. Knowing you see it now is not enough for me. I want to be able to tell you and show you and remind you how much you meant to me and how much I loved and love you still. And although I keep talking to you and asking you to guide me, I feel as if I need to do the same for you. You couldn't stand the thought of me being upset in life, and I keep trying to convince myself that with you being with me and watching over me that I need to do my best to make sure I don't upset you. I know you see how much we all miss you, and I know in your heaven you miss us the same. If everything was absolutely perfect in heaven then it wouldn't be based upon what you need day to day now would it?

   I could go on and on with this letter to you confessing my love for you as my brother and my best friend in life, and I almost feel guilty stopping it here. But I promise you that this is not the end of hearing from me. I talk to you every day and I will continue to do so. I know you are listening, and I know you know that I am doing the same and I know that this will not be the last time you hear from me. I love you so much and I miss you so much it literally brings a physical pain to my heart. I know you are going to do your best to assure me that everything will be okay, and I know that you will do your best to help me through this. And yes Derek, I know this to be true.

Love always and forever,
   Kacie