To cha cha for words!

He is so darn good looking! He can just be chillin' in the car, all laid back and still look like a little GQ model! :) And how can we forget how cute he looked in this shirt this morning? Then again, he is ALWAYS cute in whatever he wears! I love the fact that he has always been very stylish and always worn "big boy clothes" as we have always called them. I love the grown look! Ya know, the faded, dingy, torn up jeans; as well as all of his button ups, sweaters, and too cha cha for words shoes! :) He is def too good looking for his own good! I will never forget when he was in preschool and I told him he was going to be a little heart breaker when he got older and he instantly got so tore up and started crying. Confused, I asked him what was wrong?" and he said "I dont want to be a heart breaker! I dont want to break hearts! Thats isnt not nice mommy!" :) cutest thing ever!! Yes, I had to turn my head to keep from him seeing me laugh over it. Anyways- it has been a while since I posted a new pic of him my little man on here and thought I would share this afternoons daily pic with everyone!! Have a great day!

Happy: a mother's dream

These past 2 days have been amazing for me! I have enjoyed this weather so much!! So much, I have managed to stay up beat and get my house cleaned, and be in the best mood! I actually enjoyed cleaning! Now, that is an accomplishment within its own! :)

This whole week has actually been good for me. I have dealt with missing Derek better this past week than I think I have thus far. Forever, I have wanted to feel and know he is still with me and I honestly think he has shown me that he is still there this week. When I was down and frustrated and needed a good feeling to overcome me more than anything, he gave it to me. He gave me the energy and strength to dig down deep and find it in me just as he always did when something was wrong. This whole time, he has been at my side but I was too upset that I couldn't actually "see" him at my side, that I made myself ignore the fact that he really is there. Plus, just as he always did, he has to step back and let me live life and experience it in my own ways or else it just wouldn't be my life, now would it? If there has ever been anyone in my life that has gotten me to dig down and find the strength within myself that I never knew existed at times, and if there has ever been a person to tell me to pick a fight and win it, it was Derek. Or should I say, it is Derek - he still does this.

Yesterday with Trenton Lane was amazing! He woke up in the best mood and after picking him up at school, he was still in the best mood ever! He was the sweetest little guy in the world! Not only did he manage to get a positive office referral at school, but he managed to get 2, not 1, but TWO caught being good tickets, a 105 % on his spelling test, and had the winning answer to win the knowledge game between the boys and girls! :) Talk about a good day!! And the best part, is that his good day didn't just stop right there. It continued when he got home. We played and played, and he rode his dirt bike, and we both were in a trance of being as carefree as possible. Yesterday was actually so good, I hated for it to end and it actually hurt my feelings it had to end as early as it did in order for him to have to get in the bed for school today. I truly have never in my life met a child like him, and I don't think I ever will. He is so smart, witty, imaginative, funny, and charasmatic! He is so understanding and loving of the things around him including the things he doesn't quite understand. Things I to this day will never understand. Last night when doing homework, he had to fill out a thinking web in order to help him write a personal narrative at school. In the middle of the web was his name, and from there is had sections with emotions listed. His job was to write something these emotions reminded him of. Here are a few examples of the things he wrote!....

1. Sad- "when Papa and D died"
2. Scared - "when i went to a haunted house"
3. Excited - "when I went on vacation"
4. Proud - "when I started riding my dirt bike super fast"
5. Tickled- "while watching Dinotopia and seeing (some character I dont know the name of) scream at the absolute top of his lungs

And the list goes on to about 10 or 12 different things, but the one that stuck out to me more than anything is the one that asked him about something that makes him happy. His answer "Every day of my life when I am with my mommy" :) Tell me now, how in the world is that not supposed to make me the proudest mommy in the world? Knowing that he wrote that with his little hands without anything influencing him on any suggestion towards it, absolutely made my day! Hell, it made my heart!! Just knowing that he enjoys his time with me just as much as I enjoy every minute with him means the world to me! I wouldn't trade this time and these moments with him for anything in this world! Not only did this melt my heart, but this let me know that I am in the right place, at the right time. All of this time that I have been accused of secluding myself and ignoring people, when I really havent, I have just been more focused on my home life than ever these past 3 years, let me know that it has never been the more right decision in my life. Deciding to put the past to the past, and looking towards what was to come, and looking towards focusing my time on one thing in particular and not forcing it to be shared with a ton of other things in my life, my home, is the best thing I could ever do. I used to be the type of person that enjoyed getting out all of the time, and enjoyed visiting people. I was always looking for something new to try out and for something to add a little excitement in my life. And sure there was nothing wrong with that being Trenton went to his dad's every other weekend, and a day or two every other week, but after a custody battle over Trenton and after me thinking I was doing the right thing for almost 2 years by letting Trenton visit his grandparents, and his dad anytime they asked. If they asked, regardless of whether or not I wanted him to go, and regardless of whether or not I had plans with him, I never told them no. I wanted him to have the chance to be close to his family and to experience having grandparents around in order to be close to unlike I had growing up because one lived hundreds of miles away, and the others passed away while I was super young. But after this backfired in my face and I was accused of just letting him go anywhere and everywhere, and it literally scaring Trenton to death that he was no longer going to get to see me because of certain people threatening him with those words, my thoughts and feelings on what fun was in life changed. Since then, I have hardly done a lot of anything. Sure when he is at his dad's, I sometimes I get out with people but for the most part, when he is gone, my weekends consist of me sitting at home wishing Trenton was there with me. For a long time I held a lot of resentment and hatred towards the people that caused this scare in mine and Trenton's life, but in the past year I have really been able to step back and put things into perspective. How can I be mad and hold a grudge towards the ignorance of another human being when in the end, they just made my life work out better in my favor? I mean, how can I be upset being it brought Trenton and I that much closer. We were already close, but after that we were hundreds time closer and have remained to get closer ever since. Scaring us both into thinking we were no longer going to have each other, made us both appreciate our time together. I know had all of that not happened, Trenton and I would not have the extra special bond that we have now. And I know now that I have focused my time and energy on just the right place and person after reading what he had to say about what made him happy.

The past 2 days I have just had an overwhelming feeling of love in my heart for the things and people that I appreciate most. I don't think I have felt this thankful in a very long time, and I am going to make sure I continue to count my blessings every day! My blessings, the people and things that I love and care for most. Friends, family, and my life in general. I'm actually so very thankful right now that I have never been one to be conceited or stuck on myself and my life. Had I been, I would not continue to look for things to better it and myself, and if you no longer continue to look for these things, then you come to a stand still that will eventually spiral out of control and lead you to wondering who you really are to begin with. Something no person should ever have to face, or even think but something so many do.

But, while this weather is beautiful, and the day is still strong, I am going to do some fall decorating to go with my fall cleaning. I love the feeling of the crisp air and beautiful colors. And like I have the past 2 days of my life especially, I am going to go be the best that I can be for myself and the people around me!! This feeling is too good to pass up!!

Let time tell the tale. Act 2.

So after writing my other blog post a minute ago, I have done some thinking. I do not believe it was right for me to do that but while doing it, I was trying to make a point. A point in the matter that all of this time that this friend has wrote blogs about me and continued to write status updates about me but felt no wrong in it because she didn't say my name in it, I wanted her to see exactly how it felt. I did exactly what she did. I said what was on my mind, and what was going on but I didn't say any names. I know two wrongs do not make a right but I wanted her to realize how it makes me feel when she does this to me. And being I have talked and talked to her about her doing this and she has never seen where I was coming from, I felt as though maybe this would be the eye opener as to my main problem.

Do I really want her completely out of my life? No, I don't. But I dont understand as to what other option we have at this point. How can you keep talking and talking about the same things and nothing ever change about it and eventually not get exhausted of it and the thought of it? Someone please tell me how I am supposed to keep doing this? I dont know anybody else that would keep this going for years and years and not get tired of it. Most people would actually have already snapped over it and been very hurtful towards the person but I honestly do not want to hurt this girl. That is where I am having such a tug of war with my emotions. Sure I have things I think I would like to say, but I know that it will upset her and hurt her and I dont want to do that at all. Plus, I dont want to have to feel guilty knowing I intentionally hurt her because I have felt guilty over saying what I did to her that one and only time. Even if I am in the right about something and speak my mind, once I calm down, I always feel guilty over it afterwards. One thing about me, I have a tender heart. I may act as if things dont bother me and that I am tough, but things hurt my feelings super easy and I am harder on myself than anybody else could ever be to me. Maybe thats why when someone is being hard on me, it effects me so harshly? Because trust me, I am my own worst enemy. I know I am not perfect and I know what I could do in order to make myself better and to change things about myself, and dont need anybody else to remind me of these things that I constantly think about.

I have always had a problem with being slick at the mouth and have a tongue that will cut someone down pretty bad but as I have gotten older, I find it harder and harder for me to be that way. I believe that is a good thing though. I actually think about other people and their feelings before I think about myself and my feelings of what they have done to hurt me. It takes a hell of a lot to get me to speak up and blow my lid. And although when I do, I may be right and I may be in the wrong, those few seconds of feeling relieved and feeling as though an elephant has been lifted off of my chest, within 20 minutes i have so much remorse and guilt for saying and acting that way, it really isn't worth it to me. That is why I decided it was best just to walk away from this situation and let it be what it is. I dont want the bad side of me to come out and I dont want to be the cause of her bad side coming out. But that plan has backfired on me big time. By me saying that, it has just brought out an uglier side each and every time I get a new message. I just dont know what to do about it. I want to be what we used to be. I would love nothing more than to have what we used to have. But how much can you try and for how long can you try until you realize that it is not being allowed to happen? She admits that she didn't allow it to happen for a while, and after trying for so long, I am a quitter. I'm not going to deny the fact that I am easily pushed away and that after trying and not seeing progress at something, I give up. If I see no progress being made at whatever it is I am doing, I quit wasting my time on it.

I miss what we used to have. I used to feel so lucky to have a friend like her. One that I honestly thought would be there with me through thick and thin for the rest of my life. I know friends come and go but I never dreamed she would be one that would go. But when she told me that she felt like she could send me these messages and hash everything out, she thought it would be like always and that I would let it go and we would go back to what we were before, I felt as though she was taking advantage of me forgiving people. I felt as though if she knew I would have a problem with it and it would cause us to not be anything to each other, she would have thought twice about saying hurtful things to me and throwing things up at me that are irrelevant and none of her business. In other words, I felt like she was using my emotions to her advantage.

And since I am on a roll of spilling how I feel about things and what I think, Im just going to go on and put this out there. Maybe that in itself is a problem with her. I used to tell her every single thing going on in my life and look to her for guidance about certain situations, and since I no longer do that, maybe that bothers her. Maybe the fact that she really doesnt know anything about me and my life anymore bothers her. I can only assume this but it's just a thought. Maybe she misses actually knowing me and instead of just coming out and saying that she uses anger as her ammo in a battle. Instead of telling how she actually feels, she plays it off as though it pisses her off. But what do you do when she does get upset with you and uses everything you ever told her against you? It makes me not want to tell her much about myself or life anymore because when I tell her, it later gets thrown up at me and if you knew something would be held over your head at a later time, why would you even put yourself on the line like that? I have never said she has not been there for me when I needed someone, but when she gets mad she always, always, always brings up what she has been there for me through and what i havent been there for her about. Well, if someone is going to hold something over my head and use it against me later on in life, I'd rather not have you there at that moment. That is one thing I am not guilty of. I do not do anything and then use it against someone later on. If i do something for someone, I do it because I want to and regardless of how my feelings change towards a person, I still did it because I cared about them and because I wanted to and I dont feel like I deserve an award for it and feel as if that person owes me something in life for it.

I know what we had in the past, and so does she. Its obvious that for a long time all we have both wanted from each other was to have what we once had. But after so long of things being the way they are now, the past is slowly becoming what we have now and not what we once had. And in the past I have expressed that I miss hanging out, and I miss calling and doing things and I miss the way things used to be. And maybe it is my fault for feeling this way, but after so long and none of that happening and then me mentioning it and all of a sudden she is breaking her neck to call and hang out and stuff, I felt as though it was fake. Felt as if I hadn't brought it up that she wouldn't be doing it and I still wouldn't be on her mind. I wanted to talk and hang out because we wanted to. Not because she felt obligated to. Of course this is my opinion and feelings on this and I am not saying that is the way it was by no means on her part, but it just made me feel that way. Yes she calls, and no i hardly answer. But that is not just her. I am not a phone person. I used to be, and lord did I used to be but I hardly ever talk to anyone on the phone and hardly even have my phone at my side. A lot of the time, I am busy and have every intention of calling people back but as the day goes on, it doesnt really slow down and I just never get around to it. It doesnt mean I dont want to talk to them or that I am ignoring them. As I have gotten older, I have just came to the conclusion that people change, and our lifestyles change. And that is perfectly normal and not out of the ordinary.

But one thing I dont get about people is when they think that just because they are a certain way that everybody else has to be and should be that way too. Just because I would do this or that in a certain situation, does not mean that is what they would do and does not mean that is what would be best for them as their own person in the situation. But what really gets me, is when people don't see it that way. Im not saying I am right and everyone should think like me at all, but i am saying that everybody is different. Everybody has lived and been brought up differently and whether they realize it or not, it carries on with them as they get older. What is expected and normal for one person may be the total opposite for another. This is why I dont take it to heart and dont let my feelings get hurt when someone doesn't do what I think they should do or doesn't do what I think I would do. But it does upset me when someone can not see that point and still acts as if what they do is the right way and no other way is acceptable.

I told her that I was done and I was walking away from this friendship with no hard feelings. Obviously it is not as easy for me as I thought it would be. I dont want problems between us, and I dont not want her in my life at all. But I also dont want the friendship that we have had this past year. If i cant have the best of her, I dont want any of her. I dont like the ugly side of her and I know she has a much, much better side to her. I've seen it and she has proved it to me numerous times through the past years. And I guess that is where my delima is coming into play. I am not a materialistic person and have never felt as though I have to have the best of anything in order to be happy. But I do know that I only want the best of her and if I can't have that, I dont want any of it. I dont want to have her around and be continuously reminded that she has changed, and be reminded of what we once were, and then left with all of these thoughts and emotions running through my mind and heart wondering why I cant have her at her best like I used to be able to. So what do you do? Do you let go and move on and hope that one day things will be the same again? Stay friends with the same hope of things being the same again? Or remain friends and act as if nothing ever happened and just accept the fact that things will never be the same again? Or finally, remain friends, accept it for what it is right now and pray that it will get better and be what it once was and take that chance on getting it back one day hopefully?

Maybe all of these thoughts and feelings I am experiencing towards her right now are things I have held in for too long. Like i mentioned before, I know how she gets when she is upset therefore I have always tippy toed around eggshells to make sure I didn't cause her to get that way. And by tippy toeing on these eggshells, it forced me to let go of a lot of things that bothered me and forced me to act as if a lot of it never happened because I always felt that it wasnt worth bringing up something so little at the time and starting a fight over it when if I just held it in and let it go, I'd eventually get over it and by just pretending as though it never bothered me, we wouldn't have any problems from me bringing it up. So maybe a lot of this is those tiny little things I held in over the years that were once tiny but after letting them build up in me for years, literally, they have now turned into something big in my heart and mind.

I know I have went on and on about this, but that obviously shows that it really is bothering me and that walking away is not as easy on me as I thought it would be. I think I just proved to myself that I really dont want to just walk away and forget about her. But this has also proved to me that I can not handle the stress of this all of the time and expect this to be happening every month between us. I was laying in bed last night and I literally prayed about this. Prayed that she will find peace with whatever it is that keeps her holding onto all of this, and prayed for God to lead me in the right direction and to take the right path and make the right decision about all of this. I know he heard me, and I hope he realizes how urgent this prayer is to me and my emotions. One way or another, she and I are going to have to figure out the right medium we need in order to solve this for both of us. I know it is bothering her because after sitting here and thinking, were it not bothering her, she wouldnt have sent so many messages to me about it. Had she not cared,she would have never sent the messages and if I didnt care, I would have never responded. Even though I saw I was over it and done with it, if I didnt care i wouldnt have even sent a message to tell her that. I would have ignored each and every one of them.

So now that I have went on and on about this, I am going to try and give my brain a break from it. For 2 days now, I have read and reread the messages between us and been so confused, hurt, and irritated with it all that I have let it take over my thinking and emotions. By me letting it get the best of me, when the time comes, I will not be able to be my best to her when and if we actually get to talk about it to each other. So for your sanity, my sanity, and the hopes of resolving this matter, I will do you a favor and stop with the personal problems!!

:)

Let time tell the tale

So what do you do when you become so mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted with something in your life? You usually try to eliminate your problem and exit out of the situation as fast as possible in order to try and keep some of your sanity. But what do you do when you have a long history with what has no become one of the biggest issues in your life?

For a while now, I have had problems from someone whom I once cared about more than anybody else. We had so much fun together and it was never ending laughter between the two of us. But as time has went on, I honestly dont even know this person anymore. I have no clue as to what goes on in her mind other than everything that she sits and finds wrong with me. I have been through a lot when it comes to a lot of friends, and have often found myself knowing that they really arent friends. But being the forgiving person I am, I always find it in me to give them just once more chance. It seems as though no matter what somebody does to me, when I look at them, I still see what I saw in them in the beginning of first meeting them and forget about what they have done to me since then. A lot of people tend to think I am crazy for being this way and crazy for giving these people chance after chance, but I have to admit, I would much rather be a forgiving person and knowing that I hold no hatred in my heart than someone who holds grudges towards someone for the rest of my life.

Now for a little past information on my situation. This person that I am referring to has a major problem with being very spiteful, and revengeful. She tends to forget about what she does in order to make someone snap and lose their mind towards her. Actually, she doesn't forget. She just finds no wrong in her doings but when you lash back at her, she is quick to let everyone know the "horrible" things you said to her. About 5 years ago, after a night of constant harassing text from her, I finally could no longer take it and called her a name I never should have. One that I knew would hurt her feelings but never tried to keep myself from doing just that. What is right of me to do this even though she had been calling me names and sending awful text messages to me for hours that day? No. But one can only take so much until they snap and can no longer take it anymore. Did I forgive her for what all she said to me that day? Yes. Because although it made me mad, what good was it going to do for me to hold onto it for the rest of my life? None whatsoever. Has she let go of what I said? No. Wanna know how I know? Because she has never tried to be the same towards me since then. Her not being the same towards me since then would not bother me in the least bit if we had not tried to remain friends afterwards. But how can you be friends with someone who won't open up and allow you to be that friend again? How is it right for you to get the blame for everything and she take none? It's not.

So after some plans were failed for Saturday which were not intentionally done on my part. I start receiving these text messages again. Then comes the hundreds of messages sent to me on facebook. Pages of messages sent. Oddly enough, none of it was anything to really do with what happened Saturday. It was all messages telling me what I do wrong in life, and how I am a nobody pretty much. She is continuing to bring up things that have absolutely nothing to do with this situation. Slurs are being thrown about things she is clueless about. truthfully, I actually got the giggles from one of them because the stuff written in it were so irrelevant to anything going on. I actually was not even going to respond to her at all, but after reading what she had to say to me and about me and my life and realizing that she is clueless about every ounce of it and was just making a fool out of herself, I felt that I had every right to defend myself. Of course with her there is no such thing as being able to defend yourself. It just gives her lead way to come back and say something else to you because lord knows there is no such thing as anybody getting the last word if it isnt her getting it.

This past year, these messages have happened at least every month and quite frankly I am over it and I have never been so tired of anything in my life. It does no good to try and talk to her about it. And even when I told her that I was done and that I didn't care anymore because she has pushed me not to care, she still can not just accept that. I mean, people grow up. And people out grow each other. I considered her my best friend at one time, but honestly, no friend causes the stress and heartache she continuously puts on me. She knows about nothing going on in my life but still feels that she has every right to talk about it and throw it up at me even when she is so wrong it is not even funny. This whole thing is so childish and immature to me. I actually feel like I am losing brain cells each and every time I read one of the new 10 page messages she sends to me. It is so stupid, I honestly have to think about what it is that I am even supposed to respond back to.

What does being mad at me have to do with me going to school and how I do in school? What does it have to do with what happened while I was in cosmetology school? What does it have to do with her kids and how she raises them? What does it have to do with me forgiving anybody that has done something to me in the past? What does me not working have to do with it right now? Seriously. I would really like to know what in the hell any of this has to do with her being mad at me for not going somewhere with her saturday night? To me, it doesn't.

How do you continue to deal with this? I can't even handle the thought of this being this way for the rest of my life. It is doing nothing but pushing me away, and has pushed me away. To me, the hassle and fussing back and forth is not worth it anymore. it's not like we are inseperable as we once were so I know I can live my life just fine without her as a part of it and I am to the point that I no longer care if she is a part of it or not. I actually think things would be a lot better for me because I wouldn't have to walk on eggshells in fear of making her mad. You're supposed to be able to be open and honest with friends and not feel as though you have to watch your every move around them and have to watch making them mad because they will write status updates about you on facebook. She tends to think that because she doesn't put my name then it is no big deal. She has also wrote blogs about me. And although I am writing this blog, let me assure you this is the first time I have ever done such a thing but my brain is seriously in such an overload towards her that I have to do something before I totally snap at her and give her something to really hold against me for the next 5 years.

The only thing she has said to me these past few days is how great her life is without me and how great she has it and how bad of a life I have and how I am such a nobody. Ok, well if that is the case then what does she even care what I do? You would think if one is so great and mighty that it would be nothing for her to just let all of this go and leave me alone. And that is the thing, I actually dont want to argue with her. I dont even want to talk to her. I just want to walk away without being enemies but after sending me messages bitching me out and putting me down, then sending messages apologizing, and then sending a message that is talking about anything and everything that is totally irrelevant to anything to do with me, how in the world am I supposed to feel? I feel like I have been reading messages from a 3 headed polly parrot that doesn't know its ass from a hole in the ground. I'm actually so confused as to what her point is behind all of this I cant even start to think of what it could be to even try and explain it to you.

So what do I do? Do I say okay I forgive you and not mean it, or do I stick to me gut and just walk away from this. Let it be what it is and never look back. Although I normally do end up talking to people again and forgiving them, if this girl really knew me anymore, she would know that I am well over all of that. I may forgive them, but I dont just run back to being their friend again. I am sick and tired of letting people walk on me and me taking the blame in order to just keep the controversy down about it all. And after reading some of the things she wrote to me, and after her bringing up my brother's death to me, I could honestly care less if we ever mend this. I am exhausted. This friendship has exhausted me in the past year and I have came to the decision that I dont need it. My mind doesnt need it, and my life doesnt need it. There is no reason in keeping up this pretending game that we are what we once were and i no longer care to try and pretend. But why in the world can she just not accept it as what it is and be done also?

Im rambling, and these messages these past 4 days have literally left my mind so jumbled up I cant even describe what is going on anymore. I almost so tempted to copy and paste those messages to this blog just so that everyone can look at them and know that I am not just being crazy about this.  And just so you can see what I am talking about when I say that it is so childish, stupid, immature, and that she is just sticking her foot in her mouth and making a fool out of herself by bringing up things she has no clue about. No matter what I say back to her, and how I word it, she takes it as me throwing something up at her. So it does no good with me even trying to communicate any of this back to her. Example: when she brought up she goes to school and she does good in school, I replied with the fact that I had no clue what that has to do with anything and that I didnt know what she was talking about because the only time I have ever gotten a bad grade in college is when Derek died. And unlike her, what she does in school is not any of my business hence why I didn't get mad and talk about her making F's her first time around in school. So guess what? She took that as me throwing her school up at her which lead her to throwing even more up at me when in all honesty I was not. I was just proving a point that I have never said anything about it ever in my life because what she does in school is not any of my business and therefore she doesnt need to talk about things dealing with me that she knows nothing about and things that are none of her business. I even told her that was what I meant behind that but of course it was just something else for her to bring up and find something else to throw at me. So what am I supposed to do in this lose/lose situation? Walk away. Definitely. is she going to allow it? Obviously not. One thing is for sure though, I am ready for it to stop, and for her to be gone before I end up hurting people's feelings to the extreme. I may be a forgiving person, but I am also the type that takes it and takes it and when I've had enough, I have had enough. And I promise you, i have had enough in this situation and with this person!!