So the time comes again. Time for another venting session with thou wonderful blog.
First, let me start this by going back a bit...
Christmas. ehhhh it is what you make of it I guess but honestly, I just wasn't really feeling it this year. I was ridiculously late at getting my tree up and even more ridiculously late at getting it decorated. Waited to do ALL of my christmas shopping in one full day and that day only which might i add, do not ever attempt this unless you have a bottle of blood pressure medicine in your pocket ready to be popped 14,335 times during your 14 hour shopping experience. And if this tells you how much I was into the spirit this year, that is about all I have to sum up for my christmas experience this year. wait! Shame on me! I must add that it was as always such a joy to watch my little Trenton filled with so much excitement as he opened his gifts! And I did get a present that was beyond what anyone could have ever wrapped. The morning that Trenton came home (split families suck, but especially suck during the holidays) instead of running to his stocking or to the tree to see what Santa brought, he sat down right beside of me and gave me the biggest hug informing me that he wanted to sit with me for a minute because he had missed me while he was gone. Have I mentioned how sweet my little boy is lately?? seriously. Sweetest little boy in the world!!
New years.
New year, same shit happens. Right?
Okay, okay, I did get to see my best friend which was a super awesome treat considering I dont get to see her very much due to the travels between us and also due to the wonderful gas prices that keep the travels between us even harder to endure.
Lately, it seems as if I have found myself in a crossroads. There is so much I want, yet when I seem to get so close to it, I am pushed back another 100 miles. There are so many things I want to experience, touch, smell, feel. So many things I wish I had done differently in life and so many things I wish never happened in my life. I feel as if since losing my brother, I have found a real sense of who I am, who I want to be, and what I want to be. I want to stretch further than ever before in an attempt to push myself towards the things my brother always said I could do but never believed I was capable of doing. I want to live my life twice as hard, twice as determined in order to allow my brother to live on. I want my brother to smile.
I know in order to pull the things off that I want to happen, it is going to take more will power and more determination than I have ever known to exist in my little being. I'm ready for the hard to kick in, and I'm ready for the 'lets do it' but it's just getting to the hard and the lets do it, in order for it to happen. I'm so ready to live my life for me and my family and not worry about any other individuals concept or perception of what they think my life should be or how I should live it. Quite frankly, the day they throw the bones out of their closet onto the front yard and post a yard sale sign and allow all of the world to come in and view, question, and pick up examining every single bone they have had hidden into the depths of their moth infested closet (every good person knows a closet should be made of cedar :) is the day that I will care about what they feel fit for my life. Until then, tisk- tisk.
So, things happen for a reason. I may never know the reason, but there is a reason and I honestly feel like at times things happen in order to open the door for better opportunities. Finally, I feel as if my opportunity is happening. Buckle up guys! This isn't no mechanical bull ride. This is a full flight ready for take off!
