David is at work, and Trenton at school so what else would there be for me to do other than take a minute to blog? :) And again, I am at a stand point in my mind to where I feel like I have so much to say, yet nothing to say at the same time. I am really hoping that this feeling is going to ease pretty soon... it's confusing and almost has me to the point that I wonder if I am going crazy? See, that is the thing with being crazy... when people are crazy, they don't realize they are. To them they are normal and whatever is going on in their mind will calm down within time... same thing I think right now. So technically, I could already be crazy and just not know it.. lol I know I am not quite there yet, but it is something that has crossed my mind for sure!
Yesterday. What a day! David was off of work, and being I am on spring break this week from school, we got to spend some time together... We went to BG in order for David to go to his Dr. appt, and while down there, I managed to talk David into going to the Mighty Dollar with me. :) I love the mighty dollar and dollar tree! David thinks its all junk and says there is no point in going to the "everything is $1 store" if you're going to spend at least $25 every time. He does have a point! Going to the mighty dollar is one of those hit or miss deals... sometimes you find something and others you find nothing. Yesterday, didn't find as much as I usually do but I did get some Easter basket stuffers for Trenton's Easter basket along with the stuff needed to make his goody bags for his Easter party at school. I love making goody bags for his school parties! Buying chips and so forth just isn't enough interaction with it for me so I always sign up for the goody bag list! When I was little all I ever wanted was for my mom to be at the classroom parties and for us to bring all the goodies that the other kids and their moms brought, but being mom was at work during the day, she never got to attend any of them. So since having Trenton, I have been the classroom party mom! I have not missed a party one, and never missed making my famous goody bags! Something I am very proud of considering Trenton may only be in the 2nd grade but if you factor in 2 years of preschool, and kindergarten, then I have been on my "a" game with the parties. I love it! I love going and finding the perfect little bags to stuff full with all the neatest junk gadgets you can find. And more often than not, I don't just stop with the goody bags. I always try to find something creative that I actually have to make to send with him. Last Halloween I came up with the idea of taking plastic gloves (the ones like fast food restaurants use), and stuffing them full of popcorn, and tieing it off and then adding cut out pieces of construction paper to glue to the ends of the fingertips to make it look like nails. They turned out cute as a button! And they looked just like big ole' monster hands which was the idea being it was Halloween! Everyone had a fit over them, so I do believe the popcorn monster hands will be a definite must until Trenton's childhood Halloween parties come to an end. Now, with Easter coming up, I already have me wheels turning to come up with something. I do believe I am going to take Easter eggs and glue the basket stuffer grass in them, and then take a Chick and and itty bitty wee little chick and glue them in there and it will be a little egg that you open with a little chick family in it to add along with the goody bags. Whatever I make, it will have something to do with the little fuzzy chicks I found because they are just the cutest things you've ever seen! No way will I not be able to use those little guys on something! :)
Now onto yesterday... after spending an hour in the mighty dollar and being very proud on how patient David was about me walking up and down each and every aisle looking at everything, we went over to the mall for me to return a shirt I had gotten a little while back and decided I didn't like it enough to keep. While there, I found the CUTEST shirts for $4.99!! Aww they are so pretty! Straps on them even have sparklies and everything! For a while it seemed as if I just couldn't get into the fashion statements at the time... it got a little too loose and floofy, and the rest were too short and too tight for me to like there for a while. But, being I love ruffles, bows, and flowers.... the style right now is right up my alley! I get tickled at David because every time I ask him how I look, or if a shirt looks okay, His response is "It's definitely you with all the little ruffles on it" He knows me too well! A girly girl I am! So now that the fashion is all about rosettes, ruffles, lace, and pretty colors, I am having no problem finding clothes I love! I joke all the time that when I get old I will be one of those old women with 10lbs of jewelry on and the bedazzled sweatshirts with the sparkles. And David agrees and says that is what he fears most! lol Hopefully I wont take it to the extreme that I imagine in my head and be tacky about it... but the way I love it, I have a pretty good hunch that if it isn't tacky, it will definitely be borderline tacky. Oh well, who cares? We shall just wait and see when the time comes I guess!
After finding my steal on sparklie shirts for $4.99, David and I were headed to the food court to chow down on some Bourbon Chicken and as we were passing New York & Company, something caught my attention in the window. There it hung, as pretty as could be. A coral purse with rosettes on it! For one, I LOVE coral. Second, I love cute purses. And third, I love rosettes on anything. And finally, It was the perfect style and size! So needless to say, I had to go in and check the price out and daydream about it for a minute and before I could even say "Okay, lets go. Just wanted to look at it", David had it in his hand and was standing at the counter ready to pay for it. Being he had just bought me some new shirts, I tried to tell him that I didn't want the purse and if I did, I would just come back another time to get it but he wouldn't have it. He insisted that he was buying me the purse.. and after standing there and trying to convince him it was okay and to not worry about it, he told me "Kacie, you like the purse. I seen it in your eye when you came in to look at it. If you didn't like it you wouldn't have stopped to see how much it was. I like for you to have things you like and want, and I think you deserve it" Amazing how something so simple can make me feel so good.. Just the fact that he thought I deserved it made me feel special. Although I am not quite sure why he feels that I deserved it... I haven't done anything extraordinaire to begin to think I "deserved" it, but it meant a lot to me. And now, I officially have my new purse stuffed with all the goods that I find to be a necessity no matter where I go, and I LOVE it! I can't wait until I get to show it off! Plus, spring is right around the corner and I have a bright, pretty, frilly purse to celebrate the sun with! And gosh, I can't wait for spring to get here! I have always loved summer but usually the winter isn't too bad on me. I love toboggans and scarves and all of the winter boots and clothes so usually by the time October rolls around, I am ready for some cool weather. But this year has been awful! Every year I hope and pray for snow days so that Trenton and I get some extra time just the two of us and so Trenton can go outside and play in the snow, and although I enjoyed all of my snow days with him this year, I am so over this cold weather! I am to the point that I need the sun in my life to remind me that there is a brighter side of the world that I am having trouble seeing right now. I've talked to Derek and asked him to bring me some sun so that I can get out of the house and try to enjoy a day, and he has every time. He hears me. He shows me that he does.
And after my one on one time with David yesterday, I was eager to get my hands on my little Trenton! Being the school is making up for all of the snow days this year, they are making the kids go to school for 45 mins longer every day and I didn't think 3:10 was going to get here soon enough yesterday! And after picking him up, he was in the best mood. We laughed and talked and had the best time with each other. No matter what is going on, that little boy just has a way of fixing it all. I think if you asked any mother, they would claim they are the luckiest in the world to have their children, but I believe I have them beat! ;) Derek was always so proud of Trenton... which Trenton and I talk about Uncle D a lot, and I assure him that D sees him and is watching over him, and that he will still be proud of him just the same as he was when he was here. It breaks my heart that Trenton never got to take his trip alone to see D. Derek wanted Trenton to fly up to see him by himself this summer and spend the week there, just the 2 of them. Of course Mom was freaking at the thought of Trenton getting on a plane by himself, but had accepted the thought of it when I explained to her that they would have someone with him at all times. And when the idea was brought up to Trenton, he informed me that he was spending the entire summer with D. Naturally, Derek got a kick out of that! I just wish that he had been able to have that adventure with Derek.. it breaks me heart to know that he won't get to now. Breaks my heart to think that he will never get to experience more things with Derek as he gets older, and that he no longer has an uncle around that loves him more than anything. But at least Trenton is at the age to where he will remember Derek and never forget him. I couldn't imagine how it would feel if Trenton was younger and would not remember him and only know what you told him. I don't understand how you can even begin to describe someone like Derek to someone that doesn't know him, and expect them to actually "get" what kind of a guy he was. Luckily, Trenton will know and "get" it and that is something that nobody will ever be able to take away from him.
Although I had a good day yesterday, when it came time for bed last night, I got upset. Every time I closed my eyes I saw Derek. And when I actually did doze off, it seems like all I did was dream about him all night. Although the dreams make me sad, I feel lucky that he is coming to me in my sleep. At least I have a few minutes of interacting with him again and feeling like he is there.. and get the feeling of hugging him and hearing him again. And between dreaming and waking up every 45 minutes, I layed there and felt guilty that I had actually had a decent day. It's weird because I feel so bad that I let someone occupy my mind other than Derek. It makes me feel like I have betrayed him or something... I'm not sure how to explain this feeling exactly but it's one I get and don't like. And although I lay there and feel guilty at this thought, at the same time I think that its Derek working his ways to help me through it. I have asked him to help me cope and deal with this and to let me know I am going to be okay.... maybe my decent day has something to do with that? Maybe it is him helping make these good days come in order to let me know I can still smile, breathe, and live. But if I feel like Derek is helping this happen, then why do I feel guilty for doing it? I obviously have some issues I need to get a grip on and work out within myself... until then, I will continue to look at God and Derek and trust that they know what they are doing with me. I don't think either of them would do anything intentionally to me that I can't handle. They may push me to be a better, stronger person, but that is nothing out of the ordinary when it comes between me and Derek. And for him, I am going to make sure I reassure him on what I am made of. I will make him proud!
This blog was a lot of random thoughts today... sorry if I have your mind turning and twisting the same as mine now, but at least I had something positive to talk about in this one. That's a new start right? I had a good day, and it may be a month before the next, but at least I know there is hope of one in the future, and that they do still exist.
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