Afterwhile Crocodile

I'm going to be as straight forward and to the point as much as possible in this blog to try and cut down on your chances of having to soon get prescription reading glasses, due to reading horrendously long blogs that I type. Here goes...

This weekend has been a rough one on me. Between the agony of me missing my brother and having only him on my mind, and not getting much sleep due to nightmares and weird dreams, along with not getting any because of just laying in bed staring at the ceiling and thinking, I am mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. No matter what I do, or where I go, my brother is on my mind. It's as if almost everything I see reminds me of him in some way or another. Just looking at people's facebooks remind me of things between me and him. I was browsing some pics on a FB page last night where a very sweet mother took her little girl to The American Girl Doll Company. No big deal right? Beautiful pics, beautiful family, and what looked to be a perfect birthday for a 3yr old little girl. While looking at these pics, I got so emotional that I couldn't hardly stand it. All I could think about was when I went to see Derek last year and the day we were riding into NYC he kept telling me he had a big surprise for me. Yes, I begged him to tell me... he didn't and wouldn't. So as we were walking the crazy blocks, crowded with hundreds of people, we come to a corner and take a right. And to that right was The American Doll Place. You would think I was 5yrs old all over again when I seen it and the funny part was that I still had no clue that that in fact was my surprise from Derek. As we stood on the street corner, and I stood looking in awe through the window, Derek told me that he in fact had been in the city one day and took a wrong turn and came upon it and as soon as he seen it, he knew he was bringing me there since those dolls were always my childhood dream. Yes dream, being I never had one. We both walked around and looked at every thing you could think of to buy for these dolls, how you could make them look like you now compared to the original kirsten, Samantha, etc... and through out this, he seemed just as excited as I was. No not about seeing the dolls but about seeing me excited. We came up to a little scene set up that was a beauty shop and I was looking at all the little hair curlers, blow driers, and clips when Derek looked at me and said "I know it may be a little late in life to bring you here now, but dreams never die right?"... that day was a day between the two of us that I will always hold so dearly to me heart. Not just the surprise, but the day we got to spend together in general being they were few and far since he had moved away. Of course when he would fly into town we got to see each other, but then again he also had a billion other people he wanted to see and that also wanted to see him, and I understood that the same as I understood when we would fly up there we always stayed so busy because he wanted to show me everything he did there and everywhere he went, and all of his "family" he had made there. And since I have already gotten started and going on... point is, everything brings back a memory of my brother. And although I get terribly sad when this happens, should I really? I mean, should I not be thankful that I have memories with him to hold onto forever? Yes, I suppose I should be. And yes, I am. I just feel like it isn't enough. After reading the page in his sketchbook where he was talking about how he felt like I deserved so much more than I had, I keep thinking about it over and over. I believe it was the other way around. He deserved more than he had. Deserved to have a longer life. Deserved to know how much he was loved. He deserved the world. I am not just saying that because he is my brother, but because it didn't matter what was going on, or what you needed, Derek was there and if it called for him doing without, in his eye, so be it. He would do without to make sure you had what you needed. He put the people around him before himself, and cared more for the world around him at any given moment than most people do in a lifetime.

When people ask me how I am, what do I say? "I'm okay.. just hard right now". I lie. I am not okay with this. I try to say it in order to convince myself that I am and will be, but so far, it is not working. If I truly broke down and let someone see how I feel, they would probably need some serious mental evaluations done afterwards. The ball of emotions that run through me right now are enough to break the strongest man in the world. But what am I supposed to say to people? "I'm not okay! I feel horrible! I wish you could feel as bad as I do so you could understand! I am mad at the world! I am heart-broken, I am not me!?" That obviously would not help me or the person listening.... I've been praying for strength through this. I hope it works. Derek always told me I was "the strongest "little" person he's ever met, that when something would get thrown my way in life, I would pick a fight with it and win it every time." If that is the case... why do I feel so weak and helpless right now? I do not believe I am strong.... I believe I am at my weakest.

And friends.... amazing how people you haven't talked to in years have been there more for ya then the one's that are supposed to be your true friends. Derek was always my mentor when it came to telling me advice about my so called "friends". He would tell the truth and at times I didn't believe him, or didn't want to believe him about what he saw in them, but I have to admit, which I did to him also more than one time, he was always right. And now these same "friends" that I have managed to go back and forth with for years, are proving his words all over again. Just because you call me, does not mean you care. If you call me and want to tell me how bad of a day you are having and how you don't know how you are going to handle it and that you can't do this and couldn't do this because it was such a bad day.... maybe you need to stand in my shoes for a minute and then evaluate what a bad day is. Then you have your friends that seem as if they are on stacker 9000 and going mach 9 over the phone about a bunch of bologna that I wouldn't even care about even if none of this was going on. They can't take a breath long enough to ask how you are or to say a kind word to you... but in the conversation they are quick to tell you what someone else said about how they felt about all of this. I can't stand a heartless person. I have no use for them. Sooner than later, these people will realize what being heartless gets them in life. Nothing and nobody. You will never have anything because you will never try and earn it, and you will have nobody because nobody will want to be around you and listen to your bullshit all of the time. That my friend, is a guarantee. And although you may have people around you right this minute, I would bet money that when you lay in bed at night, you still feel lonely because you yourself do not even like yourself. If you can't find the good in your life and yourself, do you honestly think anybody else is going to see it either? No. Probably because when people do the things you do, there is nothing good to look for. It's simply just not there. And to the ones who will be looking for me to be there for them through life changing experiences later on down the road, get that out of your mind quick. Please. I am also done with being there for you when you are nowhere to be found when someone needs you. You too will be alone in the end and you know this too.... that's why you already are.

Sorry, I had to vent the friendship thing out. It's been bothering me... obviously!

And on top of this horrible weekend I have had..... today is a rainy day that I would love to do nothing more than crawl up in the bed and sleep through but I must truck on because I have classes today. maybe for once I will get lucky and get a parking place in the front of the parking lot. Chances are slim though!

And to close this "not supposed to be long blog" out, I must end it by saying that we did go to Chuck E Cheese last night for another try at a good time since the last one wasn't the best for me. And yes, we had an awesome time. I even splurged and spent more money on tokens than I ever have, determined that I was going to play this certain game that I had figured the winning route to, over and over in order to make sure Trenton got some awesome prizes. 1800 tickets!!! He was tickled! And he was such a big boy! Very proud I was!!!

Now- I promised I would end it. And I am. Later Alligator!

No need to keep up with the Joneses if the Joneses won't be there

Blah, Blah, Blah! That is exactly the way I felt all day long today! No matter how many Vanilla Frappuccino's I grabbed from the cooler at the convenient store that would normally make my day just by being able to taste the yumminess of it's smoothness in my throat, I could have swore for a moment that they were literally just making me feel even more blah than I already was. After 4... I decided that was enough money wasted towards something that obviously was not perking me up. But I did stop by Mama's today after I got out of class, and I had a really good visit with her. Although I didn't stay too terribly long because of being so sleepy from the crashing effect I was suffering from drinking too many frapps, it was still a good visit. Something I was really needing after sitting around and thinking for too long last night! And while I was there, I also got my things from the funeral home. I didn't realize they would be in so quickly but Mom went and picked them up for me today and I now have a necklace that is sterling silver, and is what I would call a tear-drop shape (its actually very chic looking) that has some of my brother's ashes in it, and I also have the ittiest bittiest little urn you've ever seen with some of his ashes, and hair in it. Not sure what made me want to do this, or even think of it for that matter, but when I got home with my urn, I opened it to look in it... For some reason, I wanted to make sure everything was in there. It is. And it helps me to know I still have a piece of him with me forever. Even when I am out and about, he is with me around my neck, protecting and watching over me as he always did. Mom got a necklace too but hers is in the shape of a heart. She told me it was comforting to her also... so that is one good thing in our day today. Something of Derek comforted us rather than making us sad. May sound small to you, but at least it is a start at this life we are having to adjust to. Mom herself could not find it in her to get a mini urn... that is actually why she buried his ashes because she says she doesn't think she can handle the heartache of seeing an urn and knowing it is him. To each his own though right? We all handle things differently, and we all grieve differently. I like my mini one, and it in fact looks like one that Derek himself would pick out.

Let me go on next by saying that Trenton was the sweetest little thing today! He got right up, got himself dressed fully (this is a never!!! Picture me normally dressing him while he is still sound asleep laying in the bed.. having to tap on either leg to let him know to raise it to put his sock on, or to put that leg in his jeans, and the same with his feet. I think the only physical part of getting dressed for Trent in the mornings is when I have to have him sit up so I can put his shirt on him but even then, as soon as he feel it come over his head, he instantly falls backwards onto the pill and back to sleep before you can blink an eye), brushed his teeth, and then even stood there for 5 minutes just brushing with water convincing me that he was doing an extra good job at "polishing" his teeth. Then he took it upon himself to wet and comb his hair, although I did have to do a few minor adjustments since he decided to do like I do with it and put some gel in it except instead of a nickel sized amount, I would say he used a half dollar sized amount and then proceeded with combing it straight back. He is convinced that "cool kids" wear their hair gelled and combed back and that it makes him look like a biker dude... I think of the greasers from the outsiders, so now Trent himself calls it the greaser look. :) And even after doing everything to help me out on a tight schedule this morning, he managed to stop dead in his tracks while walking through the kitchen, turn around, run up to me and give me one of the biggest hugs ever! If the hug wasn't enough to already fix my moment of blahness, he then continued to tell me how good of a job I do at driving a stick shift while going down the road. Now, if more men could just be so considerate and determined to let the women in their lives know they are amazed at what they can do, this world would be a better place! At least for us girls it would be! Luckily, I have not only Trenton who does this for me, but David too. :)

After all my sweetness from Trenton, and then being totally stressed out in class today trying to get caught up, Trenton asked if he could stay with his Nana tonight so he could help take care of her. Bless his heart... when he called to ask her, he said "Hello Nana, this is Trenton. Do you care if I stay the night with you tonight? Mommy said I have to ask you and it is whatever you want, but I really do want to come take care of you tonight so can you make it what I want too? I promise I will be a good boy Nana because I know you are upset about D but I love him too Nana and won't act ugly." Of course, she said yes! So Trent is with Mom tonight... God love him! He is just the sweetest thing sometimes! Even trying to describe him the best I can, it still does no justice for who he truly is and what he is really like in person. To really get the full effect of Trenton, you have to hear his soft little voice saying it. And when you do if you haven't already, you will then understand why everyone melts like butter when it comes to him. Lets just hope he never realizes he has these powers over everyone in his life! Haha!

As soon as I got home from visiting mom, my blahness came back into effect yet again. Not sad. Not happy. Not anything. Just blah. I was convinced that a good pair of high heels, a little make up, some sparkly dangle earrings, and a fancy top would cure this blahness. It did! I got as fixed up as possible without looking out of place (seriously.. you don't want to go overboard and look like you're trying to go to prom or anything with it! lol), and David, my friend Stacy and her boyfriend Jon and I went to Bowling Green to eat at Olive Garden. Oh my gosh was it good! I am not sure how I manage to do it, and it's only there... but I seriously think I could out eat a grown man in that place. Actually, I do every time. I out do David when it comes to eating there and that is a big accomplishment considering he will eat, eat, eat, and then eat some more no matter where we are. With it being my favorite place to eat, I guess that has a lot to do with it also! But even though the heels perked me up, and I was with good company, enjoying good food, I still thought about my brother. The last time I flew up to see him by myself, my last night there Derek and I went and ate at Olive Garden. I always get the Parmesan crusted tilapia, but when he ordered Lasagna that night, I went with the same for myself. We both ate until we were almost sick that night... I remember it so clear that I remember the drinks the girls in the booth across from us were ordering and how Derek cracked up and started with his jokes about how big the glasses were and how little the girls were.... and now that I think about it, I enjoyed dinner tonight along with the thoughts of my brother instead of making myself upset over the memory I was reliving about him. Another accomplishment for me today. Again, at least I am able to be thankful for these memories today and not hate the hurt I feel when thinking about him. I did it. I was able to think of my brother and smile! And more than once today!

Lately I've been complaining that nights are my worst.. and they truly are but I never realized why it gets worst at night than in the day until the car ride home while ago. For one, driving his car around keeps him on my mind while I am in it, so to be going down the interstate so miserably full that neither David nor I had the energy to keep a conversation going, all it did was allow me to think about Derek even more. I have originally been thinking that my nights are the worst because it is when everything slows down. Trenton is in bed and not running around and keeping me occupied, and all of the other errands and people have slowed down and stopped for the day too, leaving me here and unable to sleep with a mind racing and just thinking even more. But on the way home tonight while driving on the parkway that seemed to stretch 100 miles instead of the 14 it really does, it dawned on me why nights are so bad. Nights are when I talked to Derek. He worked night shift at ESPN... sometimes from 4 pm - 4 am... so what was considered my night, was his day. Even though my phone had already stopped ringing for the day, Derek was just beginning his play time of calling people and texting and I was always one of them. At night I am used to receiving at least some type of communication effort from him... and now, it has stopped. And while I am sitting here awake and thinking, I realize that I am not able to call or text him like I always would if up during the night. A constantence of my life has stopped and that alone makes a different in my evenings regardless of who or what it is about. Being it is the constant reminder that I have a brother that has stopped, makes it the worst. But at least I now realize one of the many, I'm sure, reasons my nights have turned into nightmares. And although it saddened me to realize this while driving, and bringing it to reality gave my heart one more deep stab, I can only feel that it is something that is going to help me through these nights right now. At least I am starting to understand one thing about all of this. Even if it is just the understanding of what my mind is doing at night, that's one down. I just pray that I will soon be able to grasp even more things and find a true understanding in them. If anyway possible of doing this, I think I can once again become myself. No, I will never be the same person I don't think without my brother being here, but I can still be the person that he always loved and be the person he always talked about to other people. I can still be me but with a new perspective on what life really is about and hopefully not take the small things in life for granted whether it be that hug I was needing so badly from mom last night, the butterfly that seems to keep swarming around your face although you've swatted it away 10 times already, the rainbow in the sky, or even a shooting star. Each and every day I am going to find something to be positive about and something to appreciate. It's time to appreciate what life is really about and not what it's all cracked up to be. About the person you are, and the people you love, not the things you want and the things you have. Think about it... what good does it do "keepin up with Joneses" if the Joneses aren't going to be there forever? Yes I know... that is a good point. Very proud of just coming up with that one off the top of my head! :)

So, lessons learned today: Slowly, Derek is showing me a way to live with him in a different way. He is showing me a way to love him the same as I always did, just in a different way. And he is showing me that there is a way to find peace and understanding in all of this. It may take longer than I wish, but I have faith that he has a reason behind it all... including when he decides is the best timing for the many life lessons he is about to embark me through for the rest of my life. Besides, Derek always pushed me to be a stronger person... he was convinced that if he pushed me to be stronger, then one day I would actually look at myself and believe it too. I believe he is going to keep his word on it! :)

Peelin out and hopscotchin

Today. Whew! Where to start? It's definitely been a day... not to say good or bad per say, but it's been a day for sure!

To start this off let me first say that as soon as my feet his the floor this morning, I was not in the best of moods. I dreamed some crazy stuff all night last night and didn't sleep worth a hoot so I am not sure if that had something to do with me being mad at the world starting at 6:00 am today or not... But anyhoo! Although we were dang near close to be late for school this morning, Trenton and I did manage to have a good morning. I'm not really sure what it has always been about when it comes to Trenton but when it came to Derek and his cars, Trenton loved them. Every time he would find out that uncle D was coming to town he wanted to know if he was driving his Blue Mazda home? Then after the blue Mazda had a minor little boo-boo that no cosmetic surgery could fix along with turning into a paraplegic, D got his orange Hyundai Accent. Being that he bought the car here and drove it back home since Mr. blue decided to go blue for real on us, Trenton got to see it first thing and from there on out, every time Derek would announce a visit in store, Trenton wanted to know if D was driving his orange car home. Of course, D's orange car is home now.... which is nothing exciting to us being it's missing the most important part.... Derek. But leave it to Trenton, he is still amazed with Uncle D's car. I personally have the car right now and I have admit that it has been a difficult thing to get in it at first and drive it. As soon as I turned it on, Johnny Cash was in the CD player singing wide open out of the speakers. Derek always loved Johnny Cash. And of course to see a few items of his here and there left in it that I can't find it in myself to take out yet, it's just been a hard thing. A reminder of what all is going on I guess you could say? Thankfully, Trenton's excitement towards the car helps distract me from going into tunnel vision while driving in it. If you know me, and you know Trenton personally, you will know that there is nothing us two wont do together. I don't care what I have to do in order to get some excitement and a smile out of him, or how bad it embarrasses me, I am going to do it. Besides, you can't tell me you don't get the giggles yourself when you get embarrassed! I think that is just a given for everyone in life. Actually... scratch that. There are the few that just get mad at the world and act crazy all over being a little embarrassed. But you get my drift of where I was going! So Trenton and I were on the way to school and he was asking a million questions about when to change gears and how I know what gear to put it in and pretty much asked any other kind of question you cant imagine an 8 yr old asking. Notice: Can't imagine being the key words. He even asked me what kind of motor is has, what kind of exhaust, and for some strange reason asked me if it had tilt and cruise control! :) Little guy just cracks me up! In the middle of my car trivia about D's car that I had no answers for, Trenton and I had pulled up to the stop sign to turn onto the bypass to head towards school. As we sat there and waited for the oncoming traffic to pass, Trenton had asked me if I knew how to burn rubber. I actually hesitated before answering because I didn't want him to get any kind of ideas from me.. :) So I managed to muster up a small fib and say "No, actually I have no idea how to burn out." No sooner than I said that, the coast was clear and apparently for longer than I had realized because the car behind me had started to get irritated and honk at me. Naturally, what do you do? You kinda gun it to take off just to get them off your backside... no pun intended! Ha! Maybe it's where I am used to the cavalier that for real has no "go" to it at all and it is an automatic, so when I kinda gunned D's car, and add the thought of the rain coming down and the roads being semi-swamped with dirty water, I got nowhere. I just sat in one spot for what seemed like 30 seconds just peeling out. I honestly kinda freaked over it thinking I was going to get pulled over or something if the wrong person saw me do that, not to mention the giggles kicked in because I had embarrassed myself to the drivers around me, and when I heard Trenton saying ,"WHOOOHOOO! Burn Baby Burn! Oh My Gosh D, did you see that!! Mama is driving your car like she is drag racing!", I was laughing so hard, I literally thought I was going to have to pull over to calm down before trying to finish our route to school all while smelling the fumes of the tires left on the pavement behind me, and somehow not doing apparently what i needed to be doing and it causing us to hopscotch across the intersection. Yes, hopscotching is what I am going to call it. Ever seen someone driving a stick shift and the car looks like its jerking and bunny hopping at the same time? HA!! Yes? That was me and Trenton this morning after getting tore up that I actually burned some rubber! Sad part is.. I really do know how to drive a stick... but this morning, you would have never known it if you could have seen us hopping across the 2 lanes of traffic! lol I have even gotten tickled at the thought of him saying that while typing this. Yes, this ended up being a good part of my day! For one, any kind of memory with Trenton is worth it. And second, it reminded me of Derek teaching me how to drive a stick. He thought he was going to be slick and get me on a hill since I had been doing so well on the regular roads and really test me out. Well he got me on the hill, and all I did on that hill was sit in one spot and peel out. Forever. Seriously. To the point that the only thing Derek could say to me was, "STOP! STOP!" and while he was yelling stop at me, I was just looking at him dieing laughing which then led to a response from him of "No Seriously! STOP!" Oh gosh how we have laughed at that story so many times over the past few years! Of course it was one of those stories to where you really had to be in the car with us to get the true effect of what was really going on and in order to really get it, you would have just had to see my brother's face and him freaking out. Derek never freaked out. Ever. So when he did, it was comical to me. Always!

Unfortunately, after mine and Trenton's mini peel out session this morning, within 5 minutes he was walking in the doors to school, and I was on my way back home. I honestly think at times that if he wouldn't miss out on having all of his friends, and all of the activities and functions to look forward to such as prom, or graduation and all of the other fun things in between, I would seriously home school him. There are mornings that it literally just eats me alive to make him go to school because I just want to spend as much time as I can with him. But being I will never home school him for these reasons, the school show must go on! I was actually in a decent mood on the way to the house listening to my brother's Cd's and thinking of him. It was almost like I could see him sitting beside of me and asking me what I thought about this song and how I interpreted it. His music is a comforter in me right now yet at the same time, it makes me extremely sad. And with that being said, then you will not be surprised to know that when I got home, I was just in a raw funk all day. Between the rain and darkness outside, and me thinking of Derek, I have not been in the best of moods today. And on top of feeling this way starting at 7:30 am officially, as the day went on, I wasn't looking anymore forward to what was coming next.

At 3:30 today, my brother was officially laid to rest. And although I had prayed to him to ask God to hold off on the rain long enough to get through it at the cemetery, after his service, I was proud to know it was raining. Our preacher had mentioned something I wrote on the funeral homes page to Derek saying how he was the reason I smiled on rainy days. And as he went on with his service in honor of Derek, he mentioned that to be laid to rest on a rainy day means to be showered with love and a renewal of life. For the first time in my life I think, I was proud to be sitting under a canopy tent in the rain while my curls shrunk and got even curlier. It truly did turn out to be a beautiful service for him despite the weather. And another thing that hit home with my during his service was the fact that while the preacher was talking about my smiles on rainy days, and it being a renewal of life for it to be happening right that moment for Derek, he also mentioned that after every storm comes peace. And after every storm comes the sun. And after every storm comes the rainbow. When he said that, I'm not quite sure if it was Derek secretly whispering it to me in my ear or what, but for a moment, I felt as if everything is going to be all right. That there will be peace at the end of this, and one day I will again be able to think about my brother and smile from ear to ear the same as he always done for me, instead of thinking about him and crying until the tears are no longer there. After today, I know it will be possible.

After the service, Trenton was invited to go visit with his Papa Bob for a while so mom and I went to eat at Colton's. Much need one on one time for each of us with the right person. While Mom and I sat there and cut into our steaks, we talked but then again, we didn't. With the way Derek has been on my mind, I can not imagine how he has been on hers and between the two of us together, it is very obvious that we are both having some trouble with this. Although we talked about all sorts of different things, and tried to keep ourselves occupied to keep from getting upset, it was like we were talking about nothing. I'm not sure if that really makes any sense to you, and maybe it does. But if you had been a fly on the wall, you would know what I am referring to by saying that. I tried to keep the conversation going, and if I have to TRY then you know something is really going on. Kacie NEVER has to try to talk... most of the time I have to force myself to stop. But as I kept what I could of what you would call a conversation going, all I could do was look at Mama, and just feel so sorry for her. As she was buttering her roll, her hands were shaking and every time I looked at her face, I could just see the anguish in her eyes. Mom and I may bump heads a lot, but Mama is my go to lady! No matter what is going on in my life, she is there. Most of the time trying to fix it for me and to sit there and see her like she is, I just feel so helpless. I am not able to do what she has always done for me by assuring her everything will be okay. I myself can't admit that I believe everything is going to be okay, and I cant find it in myself to lie to her and tell her that. And if I could manage to spit the words out to her, she would think the same as me about it. And ever since our early dinner together today, I've had her on my mind heavy too. I normally receive tons of calls and texts from my mom everyday, and to not get them as much, it's strange to me. As bad as I may fuss about it at times, today it is what I have been wishing for. I myself have turned into her I believe because every little thing I could think of, or to say to her, I have called and called and sent a ton of texts to her. I can only imagine how alone she is feeling right now... she just buried her husband not even 2 years ago until April 10th.. and now Derek. I have Trenton and David around me and I still feel so lonely so I am sure it is more than likely a very unbearable feeling to her right now. And being there alone, and just thinking..... gosh! My 7 hours of alone time in the day make me want to check myself in somewhere at times, so can you imagine it being 24/7 of being alone and thinking? I think I am starting to realize why mom worries so much all the time... not just now, but always. A worry wort she is! You cant sit there alone every day nearly and not do anything but think.... and of course when thinking starts picking up, craziness just starts to get a little more crazy. I really need to come up with something big to show her how much I appreciate her and how much I truly love her with everything in me. Something to let her know she is not alone... and I want to figure this out fast.

Now, take everything I just mentioned about mom sitting at the dinner table and put my dad in that place except sitting in his house. When I look at him, I get the same feeling. His hands too, shake. A look in his eye is gone. And with him being a man, it worries me just as much simply because most of the time, men don't show their emotions and tend to bottle them up and hold them in, then making it a horrible thing for them when it does start to surface to the top to breathe for a while. I really hope that he can find a way to grieve what is right for him, and for him to remain okay during it all too. I have a quality about me that I myself feel is awful to have at times, but it is one that David swears is one of the reasons he loves me so much and one thing he would never in his life try to change about me. I feel sorry for everyone. I can be driving down the road and see an old person walking and feel sorry for them for hours afterwards to the point that I keep talking about them. When I watch a movie there is always something that happens that I think is pitiful and that makes me feel sorry for one of the characters to the point it will stay in my mind for days. Already feeling this way about things that do not amount a bit of hell to me in life bothers me to a point that I cant begin to describe it. So with seeing mom and dad this way, and feeling this way about them, it is eating me up. Derek and I always joked about how dysfunctional our family is and how it was even possible for me and him to turn out half way normal like we did.. and although we joked. We really did mean it at times. :) Now, we are not a normal family. We are missing a big piece of our family. And I think it's safe to say.. Derek and I were right. For the time being right now, we are all totally dysfunctional without him being here. Between seeing both of my parents today, and sitting around the house and thinking all day, I've never just wanted to hug either of them so much in my life. A hug... whats that huh? Normally, I am no hugger. If you hug me, I hug you back. But I have no initiative in me to walk up to anybody and hug them. If I ever do, please consider yourself a one in a million, and then go buy as many lottery tickets as possible to play for the big jackpot that evening, because I guarantee you it is your lucky day if I do! So with me just wanting to hug both of them and squeeze them to where I can't squeeze any harder, it's honestly bothered me that I am sitting on my couch tonight and not stopping be their houses to do just that. And even though I was with both of them this evening, and I did a quick hug goodbye to them, it's not the kind I want them to feel. Not the kind I want to give them right now. I was already at home when I started to really think about all of this, and naturally I didn't leave the house in this messy rain/ flash flood/ hurricane/ tornado we are trying to experience outside of our houses, assuming that I can just call or go by and see them tomorrow and do so. But now is where my mind really starts to get tricky on me.. as I sat her and convinced myself to let it go for tonight and that I was home and home to stay, my mind started saying "what if?"... and the truth is, we just don't ever know.

Now to put a finale onto this monster of a blog, I did manage to get all of my math homework caught up tonight. That alone was like taking the weight of an elephant standing on a thimble off my shoulders! I was really getting worried about my classes so with that being the one that I had the most make up work to do in, it feels great to know I am officially caught up and ready for class Monday morning! You would think with the excitement of getting that done and seeing how good it made me feel that I wouldn't have stopped there and just went ahead and started my portfolio paper or would have at least tried to study for my test tomorrow in order to keep myself up in good spirits even longer about my classwork right? No. And I will tell you why... first, no idea what my test is over. No idea at all! So... not sure how that one is going to go and maybe the teacher will be understanding and let me do it Monday or something... either way, I'm chancing it. And another reason I decided not to.. for the first time in my life I watched Shawshank Redemption. Holy Snickers! I can not believe I have let a movie that freaking good go by so long without me ever stopping to watch it. I loved it! And yes, it was definitely one of those movies I was referring to in an earlier paragraph that makes me feel sorry for the characters. So now, you can only imagine me already feeling sorry that way for mom and dad, and now add the pitifulness I feel in me over the movie. I literally am just a ball of emotions that is running on never ending batteries. I've always wished I had the drive in me to go, go, go all the time.. but, I never meant for it to be just in my mind. Back to the most famous quote about me... "I am my own worst enemy". And for one last final thing to say.... and yes I promise I will make this the last! :) I find it completely strange when I see how people act when someone passes away. No, not how they grieve or anything like that. But for the ones who really were never there. Ever. Okay so you knew him when you were 12.. and you only saw him once or twice a year then. And since we've all gotten older, you have been non-existent but then you go and start calling him bubba? And acting as if you are having the worst time in your life right now due to all of this happening. You never talked to him before... never thought about him when he was here. And you sure as hell never called him "Bubba". And no I don't mean this like people saying "he was like a brother to me"... no. This is totally different. I just can't help but hear and see these things being said and wonder about the persons true sincerity in it. Honestly, it makes me feel as if you want to join in on a pity party and if that is the case, that you want attention so bad in life that you run after things like this... man you have some problems! I don't want these emotions. I wish I could still say that I never knew what it feels like. But, forever I will know now. If none of this had happened to my brother, I would not be feeling this way which I wish more than anything it would be the way was and not what it is now. People that do this "bubba" stuff chase after anyone that they've ever even heard their name. Small town people.. we hear names all the time but that doesn't mean I am going to go flailing myself and acting a fool because they passed away when I did not even know them like that. I for real can not stand attention whores! Oh gosh they eat me up to the core! And to use my brother as your inspiration to get some apparently much needed attention in your life... that is sick. He was nobodies bubba... not even mine. Just my brother and my best friend, D-worm to some, D-murder to most, Uncle D to the eyes of the kid who thought the sun set in him, and Derek to the ones who loved him most. And with that off of my chest, I shall do you all a favor, and end this blog! Hopefully soon, my days will start to have more perky moments in them such as my now famous to Trenton, peel out moment in D's car this morning, and hopefully then my blogs will get a little more exciting to you. So until tomorrow night when it is time to blog and exercise the demons in my mind, we both will just have to wait and see what tomorrow hold for me. And not to forget, you too!

"The Lonely Bones"

As if I thought it wouldn't come like it does every other day, it is nigh time again. I have had an extremely hard day today thinking about Derek and missing him and at nights, it always gets worse. Normally when something is bothering me, or I am not at ease about something in my life, I call Derek. The way I have felt these past two weeks, and especially today, all I have wished for is that I could just pick up the phone and call him. Be able to tell him how I am hurting and how my whole life is just turned upside down, and to be able to hear him assure me that it will all be okay. Today has just been a big realization to me letting me know that I can't just call him and hear his voice saying what always seemed like the magic words to fix my problems. That for the first time in my life I am going through something that he isn't here for. This may seem crazy of me, and trust me you aren't thinking anything I am already not feeling and starting to believe about my mind already, but I have honestly hoped and prayed that this was all a mix up. Even after the funeral, I have tried to convince myself that it's been just a big misunderstanding. I know it is true because the pain in my heart hurts too much to not be, but I admit that I have had a small chance of hope left in me. Today, the way I have felt and not being able to talk to him, has just reassured me that this is not a nightmare. This is life. Life without my brother from here on out.

As I sat here in the house by myself all day, and never turned the TV on once, and never got off the couch, I just layed there and thought. Thought about how a month ago, I was bragging about how I was happier than I ever knew possible and that I wasn't going to let anything get me down. My life was finally where I have wanted it to be all of my life. My dreams had came true. Now, I am no longer that way. Within the blink of an eye, my happiness has been stole from me. I want to be happy again.... and pray that I will. I hope that tomorrow is a better day than today, and I hope that one day, I will be able to smile and not feel guilty that I am doing so. I honestly try to stay as positive of a person as I possibly can... but trying isn't good enough right now because it isn't working at all. I have tried to convince myself that it's okay to smile and still enjoy a part of my day, and that for all I know, it is my brother making it happen for me. To think that it does help... but I still can't make myself be a true believer in it. Yes I believe Derek is watching over me and that he in fact will give me my smiles and happiness back, I just can't make myself believe that it is okay to be smiling right now. And besides the fact, other than Trenton keeping me on my toes with his contagious chuckle, and quick witted sense of humor, I haven't found a reason to smile. Who knows.... maybe tomorrow I will and can.

I've heard people talk about not letting someone make big decisions during a tragedy in their life or something major going on... Almost like the time my mom had her hysterectomy and the doctors told us to not let her make any big decisions. Yeah okay whatever.... Mom's taste in decor at the time in living rooms was definitely in the pastel family. Grays, light blues, peaches, mint greens.... the first day she was able to drive after her surgery, she comes home with a Ford's Furniture truck pulling in behind her. Apparently she went and got a new living room set. Sure, its nice to get a new one and it's an awesome feeling when you do, but when they carried in a big burgundy couch, and two turquoise chairs, along with some navy blue pillows, the whole families eyes got as big as a half dollar, and our mouths nearly touched our sneakers. Now, when I hear the statement about making big decisions, thanks to my mom's new taste in furniture at one point in time, I have a very good understanding of what people mean by it. I suppose you are wondering where I am going with all of this "big decision" talk? Well, I am seriously thinking about getting out of Glasgow. Just packing my stuff and heading somewhere away from here. I have never in my life been the girl that ever planned on staying in this town, but under the circumstances of me having Trenton at a young age and depending on the help of my family with him, and of course I didn't want to take him away from his dad, and I honestly could not have made it on my own with my mom, I managed to get stuck here. While I was technically "chose" to get stuck here, Derek had moved to Bristol. I envied him and still did until the day he passed. A train ride away from NYC, and the concept of being able to make a new life. Choose who you want to know you, what you want them to know about you. A fresh start to a whole new life. But not even two years ago, my stepfather passed away leaving my mother to live on her own. Although I have thought about getting the hell out of this town everyday (literally...no exaggeration), I find myself feeling guilty for wanting to do that and even thinking about leaving mom to be on her own with no family completely. And although I feel guilty about it, at the same time I feel as if it isn't fair that I shouldn't get to experience the world. Yes, of course anytime I even mention this, my mom starts to freak out at the thought of me not being around which makes it even harder on me to consider even getting enough of a backbone in me to do so. She loves me and she for sure loves her little Trenton, and the thought of us not being around worries her. She worried about Derek but at least when he moved she still had my step dad, me, and Trenton. Derek and I used to talk about me getting out of this town, and he himself would try to talk me into it. I mean, come on, Blockbuster is closing! This town can't even keep a movie store in business! A movie store that is worth gazillions of dollars that could literally afford to stay open even if they never rented a movie out for a month... it's turning into a ghost town. There are no jobs. No opportunities. No hopes. No dreams of being something here. I want to be able to get a good job doing hair, be in a place I can open a bad to the bone salon and be successful. Have the chance for someone to envy me of what I have become. And in this town, it will never happen. Is it wrong for me to feel this way? Am I crazy for feeling confused about it when it comes to mom? I want to be with her, but I also want a good future for me and my family. Am I selfish for wanting that? If not, I sure feel like I am. And maybe I am just feeling this way because of everything that is going on in my life. Maybe everything else just seems to be spinning so out of control that I feel like I can't take it and if I runaway, it will go away and will stop. Realistically, I know it isn't going to go away. Or stop.

Trenton decided to stay with Nana tonight.... oh, how he just loves his Nana! And those are the words exactly..."I just love my Nana!" :) He is a lucky as you can get when it comes to how his Nana is with him. He is her world! I am so thankful to have a mother that is always there for us no matter what the situation is. She is the true definition of what a mother is and should be. A woman that I bump heads with a lot because we are so much alike, but a woman I admire with everything in me at the same time. And although we both get frustrated and do bump noggins, when I think about it, I wouldn't have it any other way. Derek always told me that we bump heads because we are so much alike... if that is the case, yay for me. She is a hard worker, the definition of what unconditional love is all about, the base to everyone around her. She is what holds everyone up and together. If I can turn into anything of that sort, then I couldn't ask for anything more in my life from her. And, who can say that they don't get frustrated with their parents in their life? Nobody. I don't care who you are, where you're from, or where you're going, it is impossible to live life and never have an argument one with someone, or to get aggravated with them. That's what makes us unique in our each individual ways. If we were all just alike, the world would be a pretty boring place don't ya think?

And I suppose since this blog has also turned into a rambler like my past few, I shall give you a break. A break from my now, not so perfect life. The one I jinxed apparently for believing my life was exactly what I had always wanted... and actually believed it would stay that way. Gullible, Naive... I have always been. Invisible? I am no longer. Tired. I am. Sleep? probably not. Try it? ai' ya' captain! Goodnight!

Golden locks

The battleship in which I reside, that rocks and sways with the deep waves of the frigid, harsh sea it floats, is a wreck. In other words, my house is a disaster. Crazy how something can bother you and get on your nerves so bad you can't stand it, yet you just sit and look at it. I'm telling ya, I have had zero motivation in the past 2 weeks. I could careless about things that I normally freak over. Fortunately, I have hit the point to where I have no nerves left for it to get on my last nerve so being I don't have classes tomorrow, cleaning is what I shall do. Maybe if I would just clean and scrub something every time my mind starts wondering, or my heart starts hurting, I could get a Guinness award for cleanest house ever. In my dreams! Unfortunately, I am not the type to do such a thing. When I am down, I am just that. Down. No getting up. No perking up. No even sitting up. A trait that my brother and I both possess. And something that always drove us crazy about ourselves. Definitely a trait I need to work on in order to fix about myself.

I've been doing a lot of thinking these past 2 weeks. Thinking about things I never imagined in my life I would be having to think about right now, and things I have thought about in the past but never considered them to be of any importance really. Dreams. All dreams. For once, I think I have came to a point in my life to where I no longer want them to be dreams and to be reality and my life. Things Derek and I talked about more often than not... things he tried to convince me I should do since I lack the confidence in myself to feel I can do it. I was sitting here and thinking earlier, and I have decided there is one thing that is going to change in my life for sure. Since I am having to start this year off by something changing my life forever, I myself am going to add some changes to it. I will no longer live for the people around me and how they feel only. I will include my feelings into the equation as well. Never again in my life am I ever going to take anybody for granted. Whether it be a phone call, an email, a wave, a smile. Never again. I have had the rude slap in the face alarming me the truth behind "you just never know" and trust me, you really just never know. I have sat and ran the late night conversations between my brother and I through my head over and over... the laughs, advice, opinions, outlooks, hopes, and dreams and I am going to still follow his advice whether or not he is able to tell me what he would do or thinks about it right now. I will and am going to learn to accept that he is still guiding me through this life of mine, and that even if he is farther than a phone call away, he is as close as ever in my heart. And regardless of whether he is here physically on this earth, he is and will always be in my heart and he will always help me such as he always has. Whether it be the 2 second delay of me fooling with the radio at the red light in which stalls me from pulling out in front of a car running the light the opposite way, the rainbow overhead to let me know "its okay", the penny I find heads up in the speedways parking lot, or just that feeling that someone is staring at you and standing behind you yet you are home alone. He is with me and I know it.

Now that I have that off of my chest, onto the happy stuff for today! As I was driving home from class today, I didn't think I was ever going to make it home fast enough to get my hands on my little Trenton. Tomorrow would be exactly 1 week since I have seen or talked to him, so by the time I could get in the door today I was like an old lady running around the house in her bedazzled sweatshirt, wearing 10lbs of jewelry, trying to vacuum the cookie crumbs off the plastic runner on the floor before my friends could even sit their teacup to the saucer. But let me tell ya, what I got my hands on him, I didn't think I was ever going to let go! And apparently Trenton felt the same way according to him saying "Okay Mama, did I give you a good enough hug? And can I go play my Pokemon game now? I really need to catch Riolu". :) I do believe the little stinker has missed me too because ever so often he will just step out of his bedroom and say "I love you mama", or "Mama I just missed you so much!", and my favorite of the day "Mama, I almost forgot how pretty you are! I think you've grown a foot!". The last one brought the first chuckle out of my belly for today. It's quite amazing how your child depends on you in life for everything. To be fed, reminded to wash behind their ears, homework help, kissing boo-boos, letting them know the monster in their closet is a nice one, and whatever else you can imagine, yet at times, you depend on them for what seems to be like more. Just the innocence alone of a child can help cure your day. The way they seem to almost always have a positive outlook to the things you consider to be the worst of your life, and just the giggles that make you so extremely happy to see that you yourself start crying over. Ask any mother and they will tell you how fortunate they are to have their kid "as their kid".... but when I say it, you have no idea. The things that little boy has done for my life is phenomenal. Things you would never imagine, and things deep enough that I myself will not spill out for the world to read, but trust me... it is true.

My flowers are dieing. I love flowers. The colors, shapes, smell, everything about them. I hate the reason I have them sitting in my living room right now. But it is nice to walk in and smell the roses  flowers. Too bad they don't live forever. What a patent idea that would be! Ha! :)

Off topic... but what makes a person a friend to you? Is it because they call to find out what is going on just to be nosey? Or just call you because after they are "required" to ask how you are, they just feel the need to bust out something new and exciting going on in their life? Just because they are there physically, does it really make them a friend? How do you truly know if they are or not? There are people I have known for nearly all of my life and amazingly enough, I feel as if I hardly know them. They tell people we are best friends, and we say it to each other, but are we really? Or are we just too stubborn to admit that we have outgrown each other in hopes that it isn't true? Who knows? One thing I know.. I have realized I have few and far. But with that being said, I am very fortunate for the one's I have. The one's I am for certain are what you would call "true friends".

I normally am a sleeper. I could sleep 17 hours of the day and still find myself tired. Trenton is the exact same way, and my brother was the same also. Apparently it is just in our blood. Not sure where it comes from though considering my mom is up and at em' like it's nothing and ready to rock and roll within 30 minutes of her feet hitting the floor. I honestly don't think the woman has ever even realized that there is a such thing as a snooze button on her alarm clock. Actually, I'm not sure if she ever truly has to turn her alarm clock off because it is beeping. I am almost certain that she just lays in bed awake all the time, just with her eyes closed, playing opossum to fool us all into thinking she is getting a good nights rest like the normal people do. A vampire? Nah... A wolverine? Possibly... No, I'm kidding. Seriously though, she is one energized lady. I would give anything to have that type of personality in me. The type that can go, go, go and never get irritated that I have to go, go, go. And being I am this big sleeper... it's crazy that I am not able to hardly get a shut eye of sleep at night. I lay there just thinking. Blinking into the darkness and trying to make sense of the dark shadows on the walls and ceilings, and thinking some more. And along with thinking a little more, I pray. I pray more than I think. Pray for everything our family is going through, for Trenton, David, myself, especially Derek, strength, closure, acceptance, peace, and within time, sleep has worked its way into the top 5 of my prayers. Out of all the things in life, I pray for something that is supposed to be so simple, natural, and expected.

You want to know something weird?.... Derek passed away Sunday Feb 6, 2011. I got the phone call at 3:00 am, Monday Feb 7, 2011.... later in the day I read my horoscope for the day and it said "expect the unexpected". The day of Derek's funeral service, I read my horoscope again. It stated " Good friends are to follow a good heartache for the day". Anybody else see the weirdness in that?

Seems like lately this blog has turned into a diary more than a blog in which I am sorry for. I know I'm not my typical self at writing, and in time, I hope I can again be able to tell all of the happy comings and adventures of my life again. In time, I am sure it will happen. And as I tell myself, I am telling you... it all takes time. Either you will get used to it being this way for the time being within time, or you will give me time and it will go back to me being myself as best as possible. Time.... a precious thing in the world that is often taken for granted more than anything else. Time spent with family, time telling the one's you love that you love them, time to smile, time to stop and smell the flowers, time to enjoy a break from the crazy world, time to appreciate everything you have been given... even if it isn't quite to the standards that you desire. Even if you aren't where you want to be... it's up to you to get yourself there and to get what you want. It can be done! Just look at all the people around you that you wish you could be more like or things you like that they have.... they started out in this world the exact same way you did. Naked, and depending on everyone around you. They just made the choice to get up and go for what they want rather than dwelling on what they don't have and learning to just accept it.

As I was trying to finish this blog off, Trenton had called me into his room to hear this "very strange noise" as he put it... naturally, it broke my concentration on where my last paragraph was going in order to close this one out, but while in there with him, I have to admit, A.) There was a really strange noise. That is for certain. He definitely was not imagining it and B.) He is the most precious thing I have ever seen in my life. While laying beside of him doing our nightly routine of laying together for 20 minutes to talk about anything his little heart desires, he looked over at me and said "Mama, you are just my most favoritest person to be around in the whole wide world! When I'm not home I think about wishing I was with you." Now, try to convince me that you can hear that and not believe in a greater power. Not gonna happen! As I layed there and thought that to myself while running my fingers through the softest curls wrapping around my fingers on his little head, I know that my brother is okay and being taken care of. The man with the heart of gold that was generous enough to give us such miracles, is the one in which my brother is talking Picasso and Hendrix to right now. The same man, with the very same heart of gold.

Day 14

What do you do when you honestly have nothing to talk about but want to blog so bad you cant stand it because it seems as if you do have so much to say that it is eating you alive? Do what I'm doing...? Ramble? Looks to be the answer right there!

What a couple of weeks this has been. 14 days to be exact. 14 days since my brother passed away. The longest 14 days of my life. Seriously. I have been fortunate enough in the past to have only had a very few people I was close with to pass away... and everytime it has happened I have had the amazing ability to force jump right back into life and convince myself that life goes on and you do what you gotta do. And by doing this, I have also learned that it is not the best thing for me to do because every other time it has came out in me at a later, very unexpected time, with a very deep vengence. Almost a "how dare you to put me off!". I would give my left foot right now if I was able to deal with this the same. To not feel the hurt I've felt in my heart these past 14 days. I have never been so mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted in my life. I honestly never knew it to be possible to be this drained in every aspect of life. Atleast when I have gotten emotionally drained in the past, I still had my mind to hold me together. And when I have gotten physically drained, I was able to cure it with a little rest and relaxation. And of course when I have been mentally exhausted, my emotions have helped me to know that I am only human and can only take so much. Right now, having none of these to fall back on... I feel lost. Not myself. Yes, I smile. Only because I feel like I have to because that is what people expect of me and think I should be doing. Only if they knew that it takes every ounce of energy within my little petite body to bring it upon my face, they would know its a hard thing to ask for. And of course the saying "He's in a better place" always comes about... and yes, that may be true, but it's not good enough for me. I am selfish. I want him here with me. But apparently God wants him with him even more. Mom keeps saying "God takes the best first to give someone else a chance", but what about all the chances that Derek never got. Yes he accomplished a lot for his short 33 years, but there are more things in life he deserved to have a chance at. A chance to get married and have a child of his own. A chance to show the world what he was truly made of because I know with what he has been able to do in 33 years, there is no way of even phathoming the idea of what he could have done in 33 more...

He's been on my mind all day. Every little thing reminds me of him. Went to Blockbuster to rent paranormal activity 2 and saw some Nightmare before Christmas pins with jack the skeleton on them and instantly thought about how I would love to be able to buy them and mail them to him. He always loved Jack! Then while at the convienient store to grab a drink, I stood there debating on whether I was in the mood for Pepsi or Coke. After staring for a moment thinking of which would clench my thirst the best, Derek came to mind. Coca Cola would be his pick and I made it mine tonight also. And as I see every single orange car of any resemblence to Derek's go through town, I envision it being him with the stereo on and jamming out to either The Kinks, Nick Cave, The Cramps, or possibly one of his all time favorites, Johnny Cash.

Mom is not okay. And the worst part, is she has no clue that she is not. Regardless of what I do, or say or try to explain to her, it angers her. Although I am not experiencing a loss the same as hers, I do understand where she is coming from and why she is this way. I just wish she could understand that she is not the only one going through this. He may not have been my son but he was my brother. My only sibling. Trenton's only uncle. And not to forget, someone elses son also... my Dad's. Usually when she and I are not seeing eye to eye and are clashing with the force of a car hitting a brick wall at 35MPH, I would call Derek and get his advice on whether or not I am overreacting, and whether he thinks I am in the right or Mom. Although he never chose sides between us, he always calmed the storm. Be it him explaining it to me in a way I could understand what Mom meant that she herself couldn't find the right words to do, or him just telling me to let her cool off before calling her, and that he would call and talk to her and calm her down for me and send me a message with the "okay" as to when to call her back and act as if nothing ever happened. Now.... with her misunderstanding everything in the world around her, I don't have him to lean on to help me with her. It's just me. And yes, I do have friends... but it is different. My friends and David obviously don't understand Mom the way we do. They dont know what to say to ease the tension, or what is the best for all of us. They may tell me what they would do or say, but that is with their mother. A person totally different than my mom, and a relationship that varies depending on the people. I'm not sure I know how to handle mom through all of this.... it seems like I am having a harder time with this than I want to admit to, and I feel as if I am supposed to be the "support team" for mom. If I get tore up over every single little thing along side with her at the drop of a dime, we will both be crazy, which is something I can't do. I can't manage to go crazy alongside with her although I truly feel that I almost heading that direction. I have Trenton. I have to smile. I have to show him that everything will be okay regardless of whether I believe in it or not. He depends on me and I have to prove to him that he can.

Day by Day? Trying.

I was looking at one of Derek's sketch books today.... as I was flipping through the thick, coarse paper drenched in perfect combinations of watercolors, I came across a single page with nothing but writing on it.... It said...      " I'm going to NYC again tomorrow. I love that place. Everybody is a nobody and you cant help but automatically fit in. I want to take Kacie there one day. She would love it. She deserves so much more than she has. I often wish she could have been the older one because i feel she would be better at leading the way for me instead of what I can't do for her. She's so special and the sad thing is, I dont think she will ever truly know how beautiful she is. Yes her looks. But from the inside. She has the most precious soul I have ever known in my life."....   I smiled. And then I cried. And I've cried ever since. Knowing that he wasn't just saying that to make me feel good, or to cheer me up.... that he had written that while alone, and that it came straight from his heart and not something just said to someone made it beautiful to me. Knowing he sat and thought about me the same as I always have him, and to know I was on his mind to the point he himself had to write about me the same as I have been doing for him is amazing. Amazing? Yes Amazing. Although If you asked me 20 minutes ago if I thought anything was amazing about my day, I would have looked at you with a scornful look and snarled my nose while saying "are you crazy?", right now I can say yes. I'll tell ya something else amazing... its amazing how you always love someone, always think about them, always miss them, but never think about what it would be like if they were gone tomorrow. Usually when you love something so much, you put it away so nothing will happen to it, or keep it in a place that you know it is safe and freak at the thought of anyone or anything getting close to it and daring to touch it. But when you love someone, you never stop to ask yourself what you would do if something about them ever broke... it's assumed that it won't happen. I have now realized, my family is no longer invisible to the harsh reality of the cold world around us. And I have also now realized that my family is no longer invisible to the lord and that he himself truly does have a plan for us. Do I know the plan? No. Do I wish I did? Hell yes. Maybe then if I did, I could make a better understanding of all this and ease my wondering mind that hasnt stopped a moment for 2 weeks straight.

"We don't need no education...."- that is the way I feel right now. I am so far behind in school that I dont even know where to begin in order to get things back on track. Go figure the semester that I was ahead on things and doing my work as soon as I got out of class instead of waiting until the night before class the next week, something would tear it all apart. I HAVE to go back tomorrow. I have no choice. Well scratch that... I do have a choice. But I am forcing myself. Derek was so proud when he found out I was heading back to school... no way can I let him down now. And if for some reason I am or get so far behind that it's impossible to get back on track, I think I may just drop it and try it again next semester. I don't see the weeks in the future getting any better. My mind is unable to focus on one solid activity right now. Every single thing reminds me of something that deals with my brother. I cant break the code in order to stop it... people call it memories. I call it heartache right now. Although I feel this way right now, I am praying that soon I will realize that memories are the most precious thing I possess when it comes to my brother. Something absolutely nobody can steal from me.

Regrets... yes. If I just hadn't have been in class that day and could have answered the phone. Or if I had just atleast seen that it was him and instead of ignoring it, walked out and answered it long enough to atleast tell him I wasn't answering because I was in class.... I never in my life thought it would be the last time my phone rang with the name "Derek" on the screen and the last time I would ever talk to him again in my life. And I never check my voicemail. Hardly ever. And out of all days... why did I do it the day before he died? why did I sit there and go through all 17 messsages and delete them? Including the ones from my brother.... had I known it would be the last I heard his voice, they would still be on my phone right now.

Anger... plenty. I'm angry he is gone. I'm angry I have so many unanswered questions. I am angry that God took him. And I am even more angry at the fact about someone taking his things. I just can't imagine what kind of heart it takes for someone to do such a thing... obviously, it takes a person with no heart.

I am usually the type of person that tries to make the best of every situation. If I'm broke.. oh well. We get paid next week. We have a roof over our head, food in the cabinet, and until next week, we will make it just fine. If I am down, tomorrow is a new day. If I need a smile, I find humor in the world around me. For once, I can not see anything good of my situation. Not one single thing. I can't grasp the idea that he is in a better place and be happy about it. I can't think that he is no longer a part of this messed up world and is living it up with all of his heroes and inspirations... its not fair. Not fair that our family has to deal with this and feel the kind of hurt and pain that we feel. And not fair that my brother isn't here to atleast experience this messed up world with us.

Amen....everynight. For the first time in a very long time, I have prayed every single night. Prayed to God to keep my brother with him and watch over him in heaven, and prayed to help me and my family to learn to cope and deal with this. Prayed for answers to the millions of questions I have. Prayed that I never have to feel this pain again. And prayed for him to guide me to do the right thing and handle my emotions the right way, and not to forget, prayed for him to allow it to be my brother helping me and guiding me through life as he has always tried when it comes to me.

Rambling?... I am. And did.

PeterPan picked a peck of poisoned pickles

Small town girl with the hopes of leaving this town and heading to the "city" all of her life but today I have to say, I have never been so happy to see the Glasgow sign in all my life. I'm not sure if it was the fact of the circumstances of which we were out of town, or the fact that I had been riding in a Uhaul in the middle of my mom and David, on a seat that I would normally laugh at if someone thought my purse would fit on it. And besides the fact that I had to endur the agony of riding in this truck pulling a trailor with my brother's car on it, and knowing everything of his was behind me the whole time and never looking back to Connecticut, while sitting on this "mini" seat that they had said would be a "FULL SIZED" bench seat, I had to sit with my legs spread for the big round part of the dash where the motor is to fit in it. Yes imagine riding 1000 miles across the united states in a position that reminds you of that women take when ready to give birth. I am yet to figure out which was less painful... actually giving birth, or having to ride in the stance of it for 19 hours.

But wait, let me back this up to where the whole story begins.... First, we had to leave the house at 2:30 am in order to make it to the airport in time to check in and catch our flights. No biggie. Except for the fact that I myself have not been able to sleep the best lately, and for the fact that this was David's first time flying in his life. Ever. So he himself was not able to catch any sleep either. So between us both not sleeping, him being nervous about just handing his life over to a man he's never met and having no control of it, and then me freaking out after realizing he has a point, stressed would be a good thing at the time for us. Crazy was what we were. But THANKFULLY, we made ever flight on time, none were delayed, we both breathed and helped each other step foot back on the ground again. :) Normally anytime my mom or I have ever flew to Connecticut it was to see my brother... stepping off of the plane and knowing that he would not be parked across the walk in his little orange car, waiting impatiently to give us a hug is a feeling I can't describe. Instead of having this memory be happening in the present, we were instead picked up by a man we had never met before that Derek's landlord had asked to pick us up. Now, try to keep up with me here fore I am about to jump back to the week of Derek's funeral to catch you up with where I am going with this. When Derek's friends were in town for his services, mom informed us that this man would be picking us up from the airport and that Derek's landlord told her that he drove the PeterPan truck. Leave it to me, and I instantly start to picture some type of green S10 pull up with a huge peterpan hat on top with a big red feather sticking out, while the rest put it together as he drove the PeterPan Peanut Butter truck. :) During the week, this peterpan man had become quite a joke amongst Derek's friends, mom and me. Now back to the present of being picked up at the airport... we call him and he says he is about to pull in as we are speaking to him. I'm not sure exactly what his idea of  "just pulling in" was.... but we stood there freezing our tushes off while looking for a green truck and a man we wouldn't recognize if he were standing beside us. So finally after what seemed like forever, and a little frostbite later, he pulls up. In a ford explorer. No green truck. No peterpan hat. No feather. My envision was officially ruined. So as awkard as you can imagine, we all get in the vehicle and take off for Bristol, Ct... and within this 45 min drive to my brother's apartment, it literally took mom and I about 3.2 minutes to realize we did not like this man at all. Yes he did his job by picking us up and taking us where we needed to go in order to start another part of the nightmare we have been living in, but sometimes people just have a way about them that doesn't settle right with you. He kept trying to make small talk and we were social back... somehow in the conversation the topic of all the snow came up and Mom said "Yeah, Derek said that he had seen so much snow this year he didn't care if he never saw it again". The man's response... "HAHAHA WELLLLLLLLLLLL he don't have to worry about that anymore now!!!!" O.M.G!! Did he really just say that? All I could do was look over at mom, and apparently they only thing she could do was turn to look at me at the same time, and realizing we were both thinking the exact same thing about this man. Asshole. Oh, and the topic of him driving a peterpan truck... It was PeterPan Bus Liners.. not PeterPan Peanut butter! Haha!

When we got to Derek's apartment, I dont think you could have pulled mom and me out of that car any faster than we rolled out! Although unfortunately, as soon as we stepped out we realized where we were, and what we were there for.... Yes, walking into his apartment was one of the hardest things ever except of course having to go to a funeral to see him. I knew it was going to be hard, but I honestly had no idea until I walked in the silence of the place with everything left just as he had left it. Without thinking, the first thing I did was sit down on the floor and grab his sketch books and started flipping through the pages. Grinning at some, a raise of the brow at others, and a tear for the rest. Thankfully, not long after getting there, all of his friends started rolling in to help us and let me say, that they made the whole trip so much more easier than it would have ever been on us without them there. I know I mentioned it in an earlier post, and all over my facebook, and have told each and everyone of them nearly, but I have never seen friends like them in my life. Before we even had time to think about what to do, or what we needed, they had it done, and had already bought it. They came prepared with boxes, packing supplies, generousity, compassion, and stories of Derek. There is no doubt that if they had not came and done everything they did, we would still be on our way home right now. Or even possibly not have even left out to hit the road yet.

While we were all packing though, I started to notice things that I didn't see. His Wii, digital camera, digital picture frame, all of his many watches he loved, his ipod, and most importantly of them all to me... his paintings were nowhere to be found. After a call to the detectives, they in fact said that they knew for sure these items were there when they were in there that night and that they had pictures with these items in there. So apparently somebody was so cold hearted, and low enough to go into my brother's apartment and steal his belongings and disrespect him to a whole other level. I can get over the fact of most of it, but his paintings.... his paintings crushed my heart. Those are irreplaceable. There will never in the history of the world be another Derek Byrd masterpiece. Someone may try to copy one or mimic you might want to say, but never will it be Derek's. Of course, with my heart being broken, the tears started to come. And then the anger behind it. And unfortunately, we pretty much know exactly who did it, but the cops have to "investigate" it before they can go check him out. The maintenance man to his apartment... which is the one who had been feeding his cat although the landlord promised Mom herself that she would be the one doing it that way she knew the house was locked up good and nothing would happen. And after talking to him before realizing these things were gone, he had brought the rest of the cat food over, and said that he never went past the kitchen and that he would just come in the back door, lay the food down, and head right back out. And was also very big into "oh just grab the stuff you want and leave the rest and I will just take care of it"... after informing him we were there to get everything, it was a while before we saw him again. And of course after something like this happens, you start putting all the pieces together and racking your brain to try and figure out who, what, where, when, how... and whatever else you can imagine running through your mind. And with my mind going every bit of Mach 9.... I have came to the conclusion that I honestly believe that he was hoping we didn't know exactly what Derek had and that it wouldn't be missed. And that if we were just there to grab a few things, we would get what we thought was important and say to hell with the rest of it, and he would get away with nobody ever thinking another thing about it. And after the cops talking to the landlord, she called him and told him what was going on. So naturally, if he does or did have any of it, I can guarantee he no longer does now. And after him coming back over to ask us what was going on about it, if you could have seen his face, you would feel the same as me and every other single person in the house at that moment does about him being guilty. For one, he stood in the kitchen and said "Well, I am the only person with a key".... and he had also told me that he didn't go past the kitchen, but yet he brought up things that were in the bedroom floor. And before any word at all was spoken of the paintings, he said "well I thought something was weird when he didnt have all of his paintings like he always did during inspection". Okay first off... Derek and him were not friends. He would not have known if Derek got rid of them or not and would have not thought anything weird about him not having them there. Only people that know Derek would understand that something is terribly wrong about his paintings not being there... and obviously he went past the bedroom to the art studio as he also forgot to mention. And you know the saying that everything happens for a reason? What are the odd's that my brother would have held onto the boxes to almost all of his electronics in the closet to where the cops were able to have the serial codes off of them so they can be traced and checked out through the pawn shops around there. Now, you can tell me that was just luck! And even though my mind was in a game of playing forensic evidence, I still couldn't imagine what kind of person it would take to come in a person's house who recently just passed away and steal their things.... I cant even begin to imagine what kind of heart it takes to do something like that.

In the middle of trying to recover the car keys from the cops, which were refusing to hand them over for whatever reason we never figured out, and between the cops coming to file a report on the theft, and in the mix of packing his stuff, Derek's friends took it upon themselves to go to the hotel and book our rooms for us with their ESPN discounts. That alone made us feel great knowing it would help with the expences of everything, but when they came back and handed us the keys and told us that 2 rooms were paid for for 2 nights, you cant imagine how it made us feel. To know that they cared enough for Derek to want to do something so great for his family that they just met is a feeling that is indescribable within itself. And the generousity didn't end there...wherever we went, they all took care of us as if we were their family there to visit each and every one of them specifically. I've never felt so loved by people I've never truly "known" in my life. Hell, I've never felt that loved by people that I thought were my friends for all these years! Seeing the way they came together as a family, and how they are there for each other and the listening to the laughs and jokes, you can't help but sit back and compare it to what you call friends. Yes I have a select few that I consider true friends, but I know now that the rest are not what you can call a friend. An aquaintenance. A stranger more like it. And in all honesty, I'm actually "okay" with realizing this. Almost thankful in a way. Atleast I know now and can move on and experience life with people are truly are friends and not waste another minute on the one's who arent.

Going to ESPN was an adventure! Bittersweet it was! Not only did we have the privelage of having one of Derek's best friends be our tour guide, we also got to meet all of his friends that weren't able to miss work to make it here for the service. And to see what Derek did during all those crazy hours of the night was also pretty cool. I've never seen so many monitors and buttons in all my life. I literally had to restrain myself being I am what you would call "a button pusher". Yes I am the one that will push the big red button that says "absolutely DO NOT push this button or you will explode" just in order to see what it feels like to push it. You know what I mean... some buttons are stiff and make a click, others are kinda squishy and silent. Wondering how the button feels, kills me when I see them. But I managed myself well, and no buttons were pressed causing any million dollar mistakes. :) And while on this awesome tour of meeting the faces that knew Derek, we turned a corner and there was a 7x4 ft ESPN banner haning up with a crazy amount of things wrote on it. All of his friends and immediate coworkers had written messages to us about Derek... Mom teared up, and I myself did when I saw it. To know they put that up for us to have before ever even knowing if we were for sure going to make it to the station or not just meant he world to me. Another comforter to know that Derek had so many people that cared for him and that he was loved no matter where he was in the world whether it be here in Ky by all of his family and friends, or his new "family" and friends In Ct. You're wondering why I said the trip to ESPN was bittersweet? Try this out then... although it was sad to know that Derek would no longer be in there running things, and seeing where he worked and him not being the one showing us, we did get to go on a few of the sets they broadcast from there. I've never been a sports person in my life, but to know I was sitting at the desk that people around the world see on their tv's and where many celebrities have sat, I felt like I was VIP with my little visitor badge clipped to my shirt! Definitely was a good way to end the farewell to ESPN.

Back to his friends.... they rented out a room at a restaurant to hold a memorial type thing for Derek from 3pm-1am. We got to go and sit there for as long as we wanted and meet EVERYONE that knew Derek nearly. Being they all work crazy shifts, it was nice to be able to be there and them be able to come and go as they please. When we first walked in, I saw this gorgeous flower dish with a picture of my brother, and a shot of makers mark sitting on a napkin beside of it. I can honestly say, I smiled as I took a pic of it. And after looking over what seemed to be like the best selection called a menu I have ever seen in my life, I took the suggestion from one of Derek's friends and got the cajun mac and cheese. That is now on my to do list to figure out and learn to cook. Amazing! I've never just ordered "mac and cheese" as my meal at a restuarant, but gosh darn how I wish there was a Wood N Tap here so that I could more often! I loved hearing all of the stories, and being able to laugh and tell a few on Derek myself and get to know everyone that he always wanted me to meet although I would much rather it had been him introducing me for the first time as he always did as much as possible to his friends when I was in town... but they welcomed me with open arms and it felt like I had known them for years. I now understand why Derek always told me stories about his friends and talked so highly of them. He thought highly of them becuase they thought highly of him....

And since this blog has went on for pages and pages, I will do you the honor of summing up the end of this trip as fast as possible. After all the help from his friends, we were able to get things done in record breaking time and hit the road. Anybody that knows me, knows I am usually not the best "road trip" partner to begin with. I always fall asleep within an hour or so, and when I'm not sleeping I am just all ansy and dieing to get out and walk around for a minute. And to top all of that off, I for some reason will eat more in a car than I do in a week. So on top of all of my "no good road trip qualities"... add the fact that my mom and I are both going through something that is the hardest thing we have ever had to deal with in either of our lives making it one of the most tense car rides ever for 1000 miles. Between my mom taking everything the wrong way, and already being upset over everything, and me being upset, and trying to make her understand she took it the wrong way, and myself being nearly crippled in the hips from sitting in the "birthing position" for nearly 19 hours, the ride alone was enough to exhaust anybody. While riding this mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting ride, I saw the most beauitful sunset I have ever seen in my life. It was miraculous! I took a million pictures... something I never do when it comes to the sunset but all I could think about was the fact that in my heart I knew it was my brother painting again. Painting the sky and letting me see the beauty of the world even if he is no longer here to see it with me and to let me know that he is here, and he is watching over me. It was a precious feeling to my heart! And yes even after this 1000 mile trip, as soon as David and I pulled into our driveway, we went from the Uhaul straight to my car to head on a 200 mile trip to my sister and brother in laws house to pick up Josie. Although neither of us felt like riding even a smidge further in the driveway, we couldn't dare wait to go pick her up. Amazing how a little furry creature such as a dog, turns into family and almost like a kid to you isn't it? Now, If only Monday could get here so I could have my little Trenton Lane with me, I'd be set for this second.... and if I can just make it through my brother's burial service next week, maybe I can try to get my life back into a "routine" again... a routine of learning to live without the thoughts, words, and love from my brother....

no,no,no leaving on a jet a plane

By now, I normally would have started singing the song "I'm leaving on a jet plane.. don't know when I'll be back again" in excitement to just be leaving this town. And although I am getting on a plane and leaving this town, this time there is no excitement. Just fear. It has been brought to my attention very well this past week that you just never know when it is your time and when God will call you home... now I have a sudden fear of getting on a plane. Don't get me wrong, I always have a sense of nervousness at takeoff, but just the thought of sitting there and leaving my life in the hands of a man flying a plane in which I've never met is making me a nervous wreck. Another Fear. The fear of walking into my brother's apartment and knowing he will not be there and knowing he won't be coming in after work like he did sometimes when I was there. The harsh true reality of it all is about to slap me in the face.

And along with my fear of getting on a plane, David is now freaking out too being he's never been on a plane in his life. He too is feeling the fear I feel in me that we are putting our lives in a stranger. Maybe since I've had this fear in me only since Trenton was born of death, is why I am feeling this way. And maybe it just hit home for me this week and has now truly brought out this anxiety in me. Maybe its just everything that is going to be taking place, swirling together to make nothing but a big blobbed up mess in my head instead of the precisely striped cupcakes I wish I was envisioning at this moment.

And although I love my mom with everything in me, I do indeed dread a 20 hour drive in a uhaul with her. Picture this- David driving, me sitting in the middle, mom on the passenger side and in a bench seat uhaul. Not a comfortable thought right? Now ya get me! A uhaul, with a trailer towing my brothers car behind, and us three crammed in the cab of the truck like sardines. Thankfully, David is driving because I truly do believe this fear in me would be worst at the thought of my mom driving. Her driving scares me in the small folk town of Glasgow, let alone on the main highways in a monster of a truck. And ya know, who knows? Maybe being in this car together will bring out the goofiness in us and bring on some laughs. I hope so. I could use some right now in my life. I have prayed for my brother to be there and guide us through all of this. To make sure we are safe, and we have the strength to make it through this hard turmoil in life. And I truly have faith that he will! He has always watched over me and protected me from the hardships of the world, and I have faith that he will lead and guide me through this the same.

And to my fellow facebookers, I am sure you read about my chuck e cheese adventure last night. I believe I was just as excited if not more than Trenton about going. No better way to spend this Valentine's Day than to be with my family, eating yummy pizza, and running around full of laughter playing games. It felt good to go out and get things off my mind and to just be able to breathe for a little while, and I was did good most of the night. That is until I decided to play The Simpson's pin ball machine. I love pinball! My brother taught me how to do it when I was a little tinker back in the day. Not sure if it was just the standing there and focusing on that single ball darting in and out of all the metal holes, that really doesn't take much brain activity to do or the thought of how my brother used to love watching The Simpson's growing up and always said I reminded him of Maggie on there, but somehow my brain got sidetracked from the pinball machine, to my brother. The more I stood there and watched the ball move with the light reflecting off of its chrome coating, the more I got upset. Eventually I gave up on the pinball, actually walking away before losing all of my balls, and had to go to the bathroom to regroup myself. It worked, and I was able to make it through the rest of our Valentine's Day night. Even though I did have a moment, I still had fun and of course nothing is better than seeing your kid light up and be full of life! But unfortunately as soon as the Chuck E Cheese adventure ended, I was brought back into reality. The sadness my heart aches from. And until finally forcing myself to sleep at 2 am, I had a sadness I could not shake. Luckily, I know that Derek is listening to me, because after talking to him while laying in the bed last night, I am having a better day today. It still hurts. And I still get upset, but I can make it through today. I now officially know what people mean when they say "take it one day at a time" and that is exactly what I am going to do. I can do this today. I may be uncertain of tomorrow, but I will worry about that when it gets here. Besides, nothing ever says that tomorrow is promised right? So until my tomorrow doesn't come, I live for today. I will smile today. Someway, somehow. I will smile.

I have friends yet I feel alone. Even though I may quirk a smile, I am extremely sad. Although I know people have been through what I feel and possibly worse, I feel like nobody understands. I miss my brother. His jokes. His voice. Him. I cry thinking it will help me feel better but it just lets me know the pain is real. How am I supposed to do this without him? I cant. My heart is heavy. To the point I wish it werent there to feel what I feel right now. I have swollen eyes and no skin left under them and although I would normally freak over this, it is nothing. Atleast I can still see the world. But my brother cant. Why did it have to be Derek? Why him? Why am I left with nothing but memories and not him? I dont understand. Oh God how I wish I could. But I dont. I want to go back in time. To the time I had him. To where I could talk to him. Hear him. Laugh at him. Smile with him and because of him. Feel loved by him. And love him. Just as I always did. I pray to him. Hoping he will answer. Hoping it will help me through this. Right now. It's not. I cry. And it still hurts.

Dancing with the Angels

For once in my life, I have been speechless. Normally when I go to write a blog, my mind starts turning, my fingers start tapping and soon enough between the two of them, it is a steady rhyhmic beat of a click and a pause. But as I opened my blog up to write this morning, I am speechless, yet I have so much to say.

A week ago today, I recieved a call at 3 am that forever changed my life. A phone call that I would not wish on my worst enemy. A call that instantly made the beat of my heart, a little slower. A call informing me of the passing of my one and only brother, Derek.

Aww Derek... a true one of a kind! He was the best big brother anyone could ever dream of having, and a bestfriend like you've never known to exist. A talented artist, a man with a song for every occasion. Caring, loving, hysterically funny, but quiet. Protective of his family, friends and what meant most to him, forgiving, inspirational, and complex. Yet simple. He had an ability to bend over backwards for everyone around him even when he didn't know you quite that well yet. No matter how big the favor, consider it done when you asked Derek.

And as I could go on and on about the qualities Derek possessed that many in the world long to hold, you would only understand if you knew him, which many, many, many people did. I can honestly say that I have never seen anybody in my life that had as many true friends as Derek had. Not just friends. True friends. And with each one of these true friends, they all had a special, yet different relationship with him than the next. I really don't think he ever realized how many people truly loved him for what he was. Himself.

Having a big brother is something special, but to be able to call them your bestfriend is even more special. A brother, and a bestfriend. A perfect package! No matter what time of day or night, no matter where he was and who he was with, if I called, eveything else was put on hold. Whether it be to just say, "Hello" and "Thinking of you", or to call and warn him that I had already made mom mad for the day and to not call for a few hours so he didnt get caught up in the middle, he was there. When I was surrounded by people in the world but felt alone, Derek always reassured me that I wasnt. That I had him and we were in it together. When I would call to vent out the newest drama of my life that he used to joke about and say that I was magnetized to draw in, even if there was nothing he could do or say to fix the problem, he always had a way of fixing it. Be it good advice, an open ear, his opinion, or just a pep talk to convince me I was better, I was fixed. We would get so homesick for each other with him living in CT, that it literally killed us at times. He wanted to move closer to home so he could see me, mom and Trenton more. We would talk and actually daydream about what it would be like to just jump in the car and be able to see each other anytime we wanted. :) Something we promised each other we would get to do someday....

Derek and Trenton. Two peas in a pod. He loved his nephew! People actually mistaked him for being his own son at times... not only because they favor so much, but because of how he was towards Trenton. "Uncle D"- an uncle who stepped up to the plate for Trenton when nobody else did. An uncle who found it in himself to want to be a better person (he already couldn't get much better!) so Trenton would have someone to look up to. Before moving away, where you found one, you found the other. Sometimes I would go downstairs and he would have Trenton down in his art studio painting away together, Derek wearing his famous painting jeans that he used to wipe his brushes on that themselves had turned into a piece of art in their own way, and Trenton covered in paint from the tiniest of his toes, up to his nose. Other times, I would walk in and he would be taking pictures of Trenton. Thousands of them. I remember walking in when Trenton was only a few weeks old and he had him sitting in his bean bag, taking pictures of him holding a coca-cola can and talking about how he was gonna raise him right. You see, Derek and I always had this debate on which was better... Pepsi or Coke. I drank Pepsi, and Derek drank coke. A cokaholic is what I would call him. And he was! Seriously! To the point that I remember sitting down at his desk in his room one day and looked over and seen a coke can sitting there that had not been opened. For it to not be opened was a big deal, so I picked it up. Written on the can with a permanent marker it stated "FOR EMERGENCY USE ONLY" and had the date on it as well. I laughed and laughed at him over that while he explained to me that he was afraid that he would be having a fit for one and we would be out and "you gotta be prepared for the worst ya know?"... :) Eventually, he did convert me to coca-cola which has remained to be my favorite. I don't think I have ever bought a 12 pack of coca-cola and not have him come to mind as I put it in the cart.

Memories... something your heart can hold onto that nobody can take away. Something I will cherish forever when it comes to Derek. Precious memories. Derek was always so protective over me. Growing up it made me feel safe, and at the age of 16 it pissed me off. :) He was so protective over me that in my teen years he would give me a hard time over everything I did. At the time, I didn't realize where he was coming from with it but as I have gotten older, I understand every bit of it. When I was 7 our parents split up and were in the midst of a divorce, leaving Derek and I to feel that we were all each other had for certain in life. I remember him telling me that after school one day as he fixed my snack like he always did. After the divorce, mom went back to work so in the mornings and afternoons, it was just me and him. He made sure I had everything I needed for the day before helping me onto the schoolbus, and was there entertaining me and taking care of me in the late afternoons. May not sound like such a big deal for some, but being he was 7 years older than me making him 15 at the time, it was a big deal for him to put his skateboarding and friends on hold to watch over me. And as we have gotten older he has admited to me that at the time he hated he couldn't go run the roads with his friends, but now that he looks back, he would have it no other way. He became my protector. Always worried about me and what I was feeling during all of it, and making sure he knew I was taken care of. And that that is when he promised himself that regardless of how he felt about things, I was the number one concern in his life and I had always remained that way since. Something that I have even cherished in my heart even if at the age of 16, I refused to look at it that way. And with everything that Derek was, and everything he made sure he was to me, he never thought it was good enough. Not too long ago we were on the phone with each other and he was telling me how he felt bad that he couldn't ever be more to me. As this conversation went on for hours, I assured him he was thinking the wrong way. That he was everything to me and that there was no such thing as being anything better than what he had always been to me.

And the laughter. When Derek was around there was endless laughter. It didn't matter when, or where, If Derek was along, you were laughing. I can't even begin to tell all of the crazy funny things he has done, and the one's we've done together. From tieing fishing line up in our mom's living room to make it look like a spider web that she profusively tried to knock down with a broom for months before realizing what was going on, to painting our faces with black paint under our eyes as we shot the man's motorcyle with a paintball gun across the street for racing and revving it up at 3 o'clock in the morning. Wrestling all of the time as I was the little one he got to practice all of the big time wrestler's moves on, and sitting and watching skateboarding videos with each other for endless hours. Sitting in silence and listening to music and swearing we heard a woman talk (we both are still convinced we heard it) when there was nobody around. Driving down the road and a bird flying in the passenger side window that I was sitting at, and flying across the car out of the driver's window he was at while we were both screaming at the top of our lungs, and putting saran wrap over the tiolet bowl in the bathroom so whenever someone went to pee it would spash back up on them. Then there was the time we kept our aunts dogs who are meaner than rattlesnakes that broke out of their cage... I was in the shower and heard the awfulest banging noise I've ever heard and as I came out, Derek had the broom banging it on the floor at them telling them to "GIT, GIT, GIT!" and "Sammy! What kind of dog has the name Sammy?!?!" And as the dogs did as they pleased and would not get back in the cage, all the while trying to eat us alive, Derek looked at me with his eyes as big as a half dollar and said "Run for the car!". We left, and didn't come back that day. :) There were never ending jokes we played on each other. He was scared of mice, and myself am afraid of worms. Anything dealing with either towards each other, was a prank ready to happen. Be it him throwing twigs at me to convince me it was a worm in the rain, or me putting a furry little mouse that cats play with in his bed so when he pulled the sheets back he seen it. We had a tale for every adventure. The old man eating a moon pie with a beard as long as 31-E... oh my gosh how we laughed at that. Derek said "Hell, I thought they quit making moon pies in 1979!". :) No matter what kind of day you had, Derek always put a smile on your face. I could go on and on about stories... him and his friends putting firecrackers under my mom's window at 2 and 3 o'clock in the morning, throwing water balloons at mom off the roof. You name it, Derek has done it!

And while sitting here typing this, and thinking I am speechless in the beginning, I am not. I want to tell you everything I can ever remember about my brother. From him wearing the big baggy jeans (size 40) back in the days of skateboarding and driving a baby blue volkswagon bug, to cleaning up after moving to florida and coming back in armani and banana republic. How when you'd see him one time he was cleaned shaved with short hair, and the next would have a full beard and hair past his ears. How he had a talent for art that you would never believe. Anything his hands touched turned into a masterpiece. Being it a paintbrush, pencil, or working the gadgets he fooled with at ESPN where he worked in Connecticut. He had a way about him that made the oridinary magical. How he always said I was crazy (in a good way), and came up with the name Kracie for me. How regardless of what was going on in his life, he still made sure yours was perfect. How he loved Trenton and my mom. I used to always tell him he was nothing but a mama's boy.. and he never denied it. While this week has been the hardest week I have ever in my life had to face, I have thought and thought about him and actually smiled. Smiled about the things we have done, the things he would say, and not to forget that I was fortunate enough to have someone such as he in my life and to also call him my brother.

And although this hurt and void in my heart has made me feel alone, I know I am not. It let me know that I myself have friends like Derek's. My friends Tabatha and Stacy have been there for me like no other this week. Tabatha especially. With life being busy and all of us growing up and having families of our own, time gets away and we don't often get to see each other or talk that much for that matter. With her being there for me every step of the way through all of this, it has made me realize that she is still one of my bestfriends. I have known it, but for her to go out of her way the way she has just let me feel and see the feelings of knowing it. Between her and David this week, I dont know what I would have done. I've never in my life cried so much and wiped away tears to the point I have no skin left under my eyes. Who needs to worry about crows feet when you just tore your whole epidermis off and it's growing back fresh and new? :) And through all of this crying and hurt, it has been the smallest yet biggest things that have meant the most to me. Derek had about 10 friends fly and drive in from Connecticut and one from South Carolina to see him. That alone comforted me in a way you cant begin to imagine. Knowing they loved him as much as I did to take the time, the money, and the loss of money at work to come helped me to know that he wasnt alone in CT. That he had made friends that themselves were true friends like the one's he had here. He always told me he wished ALL of his friends could meet each other... and his wish came true. They did. And amongst his "wishes" of things, he always said he wanted me to meet his friend Annette and that he thought me and her would kick it off great, as he talked about how much he cared for her and loved her. He was right. I finally got to meet her, and he wasnt exaggerating when he talked about how special she was. And one more wish granted... he wanted all of his friends to meet Trenton. And now they have gotten to see why Derek loved him so much.

Yes, this week has been the hardest I've faced in my life. Yes, I am scared.And Yes, I have a broken heart that hurts like I never knew possible. But I know my brother is watching over me. I know he is protecting me the same as he always has. When something brings a smile to my face, I know it is with the help of him. The sun shining, the snow falling for Trenton, a flower blooming in my flower bed (I do not have a green thumb at all), and that when the sun sets it is him painting the sky as brilliantly as he did everything else. And while this is going to take a long time to getting "used to", and a whole lot of praying.... I know my brother is dancing with the angels. That now when the thunder scares Trenton I can tell him it is just D bowling up in heaven instead of just the angels bowling. And that now Derek can help give God some laughs as he did everyone else. I know he is with me, in my mind, spirit, and heart. But as selfish as I am, I can not accept that. I want him here. With me. Everytime my phone beeps I secretly pray it will say "Message from Derek", although I know it wont. And just like he inspired to try and be a better person for the people around him, for him I myself will do the same. I will make him proud, make him smile. Make it to where I know I will see him again someday. And when I do, it will be me and him just like old times of going out and dancing, but we will be dancing amongst the angels.