Although I have considered constructing a new blog for the past few days, there just really hasn't been anything that has came to mind to really write about. I guess you could say, I have been in one of those "blah" moods for the past week even though our weather has been amazing. And of course, now it is back to winter and according to the weather channel, it is going to be this way for a while before it ever warms back up again. Just great huh? Not exactly what this "blahness" in me needs but what can I do? Move to a tropical paradise? Um, yes please!
For the past few days, not that it is out of the ordinary, but I have really had my brother on my mind. Everything I see, everything I do, everything I think of is something that has to do with him. I see something and it reminds me of him, I do something and it reminds me of something we used to do together, and everything I sit and think about is him. The other night I was the only one still up and all I could sit and think about was how I would give anything to be able to talk to him again. At least just one more time and I'd settle for it only being 2 minutes. But in those 2 minutes, I'd assure him of how much I love him, over and over. I tell him all the time, but it's not the same. There is no comparison really.
Often, I wonder why when people ask me how I am, I say I'm okay when really I am not. Why is it so hard for me to admit that everything isn't okay and that I am not sure that it will ever be? Is it because I think they feel obliged to ask or else it would be rude, and to keep the conversation from getting awkward and from me getting upset, I fake a smile and say I'm okay? Or is it the fact that I am scared to admit how I truly feel and have to accept that within myself? Kind of like if I finally admit to it, then it is real. Yes, its my fault for lieing to people but at the same time, I wonder if they truly ever knew me, how could they possibly for a second believe that I am okay when I say it? Some know and see through the lies and fake smiles, but others, they are oblivious to the truth of the way I feel.
Then of course you have the friends that keep assuring you that they are there for you, which you know they are not because they have never been there for you before other than to be one of the first people to quickly bring you up in order to talk about you and to compare and contrast how great they are compared to you. It takes everything in me for me not to tell them to go to hell and shut up, and then hang up the phone. They even ask "do you think I am a good friend and that I am here for you?" WHAT? why would you have to ask what I think if you were truly a good one, you would know it. People are really starting to get under my skin. Not just friends. Just people in this world in general. And no, I am no referring to all of my friends because there have been a very select few, but they know who they are that have been by my side through thick and thin. Not just during this horrible milestone in my life, but every other thing good and bad. And for them, I am truly thankful. Yes, I have a bad habit of not really calling people back in general, and more so now because I have somehow managed to seclude myself these past couple of weeks more so than ever, but I know when I do call, our conversations will pick up right where we left off. I am always there for them, but being I don't call often, I can see why some would assume that I am not. So, with that being said, that is something that I myself am going to work on from here on out. Calling and visiting and reminding them that I am there for them the same as they are for me. We may all know it, but every now and then a good reminded never hurts. A pat on the back if you would like to refer to it as....
Trenton. The love of my life! The twinkle in my eye! That little boy just does something for my heart like no other person in this world. I look at him and automatically have the biggest rush of overwhelming love come across me. He is my reason for being. My reason for hope in the future. I mean, I look at that little guy and wonder sometimes how anybody could possibly look at their child and not believe in God? He is the most precious gift I have ever been given, and something I would never take advantage of. It kills me how some mothers are towards their kids. I don't know how in the world they can lay down and sleep at night and not any remorse about it. If I have to scold Trenton with a stern voice, I feel guilty at times. Of course with him being the most tender hearted little boy you've ever seen, and also being a very well behaved one at that, me having to use a stern voice does not happen often, so when it does, it tears his and my heart both into pieces. For instance, the other night he was in a very rowdy mood. Yes, he runs around playing and is full of laughter every day, but he was just right out hyped up and as rambunctious as an 8yr old can get that night. After telling him to calm down and get ready for bed numerous times and him still running wide open, and it being way past his bedtime, I got frustrated and scolded him and told him to get in the bed. Well, you would think that I just burned his toy collection when I said that to him. He instantly started crying and said "mommy, you just hurt my feelings" Naturally, then my feelings were hurt at the thought of hurting his feelings. No, not at the fact that it was past bed time and I was making him go to bed but because he is so not used to me raising my voice in the least little bit. Trenton is the type of kid that I can talk to him and explain things to him, and that is where it ends. I don't have to spank him or yell at him. I talk to him the same as I would if it were an adult sitting beside of me. Always have been that way with him. So for me to even raise my voice in a tone that is hateful in the least bit, it throws us both off guard. If you know me well, then you will know where exactly I am coming from with this statement, and you will know exactly what I am referring to, but Trenton and I have a relationship that is different. Me being a single mother and it just being the 2 of us as a team for 7 years has given us a bond that is indescribable. And to the part that you will know what I mean, I feel like the poor little guy has had it rough in a lot of ways, and to think that I hurt his feelings and add to any of that, breaks my heart. It seriously gives me a complex. I don't want to be a part of what he may possibly grow up to resent. Yes, I am sure you all are wondering what in the world I am talking about, and thinking I am just talking crazy.. but like I said, those of you who know me, know where I am coming from on this. And that is where I will leave that thought before I really start to sound silly.
Speaking of Trenton getting upset... he has had some issues in the past few months with not wanting to get his homework done, and not getting his worksheets done in class. None of us get it because he is in all of the advanced classes and knows the work like the back of his hand but he insists that he does not need to do his worksheets because he already knows them. Honestly, sometimes I do get his point behind it, but at the same time, it's something he has to do and has to learn that he has to do whether or not he thinks he needs to or not. So having these issues with the homework, the other night he had came to me out of the blue and said "mama, I just think I'm gonna do my homework now." I was ecstatic! He was eager to do it and wasn't going to give anyone a hard time on it. So he got his backpack out, opened his folder, and instantly his facial expression just changed. I literally sat there and watched his little heart just fall to the ground. When he went to get his folder out, there was no folder. He had left his homework folder and his agenda that I am to sign every night at school. As I seen his face change, then the tears started to come. Now these tears weren't a whining type of tear, they were true tears of disappointment and discouragement. Naturally, I had him come to me and get up in my lap to try and comfort him and find out why he was so upset, and while doing this he said "Now I will have 4 pages for study hall. I already have 2 from last week because I didn't get them done in class, and now I will have 4 and I won't get to play at recess. I just wanted to try hard so I could get to play since you said it's going to be pretty outside tomorrow." When he told me that, I felt so sorry for the little guy! Here he was putting for the effort, and it was ruined straight off the bat before he even made it to the classroom the next day. So, whats mommy's do? They always come up with a solution to try and fix the problem. I told him that if he got up earlier than usual, and got up when I told him to, we would leave the house early to go inside his classroom to get his work and take it back out to the car in order for him to get to finish it. Of course I had to explain to him that this would also mean that he would have to miss his morning of Pokemon, but he agreed and to bed we went. The next morning, I made sure I got up and ready in time, and he did the same without wanting to sleep later, and off to the school we went. As we got to his classroom, his teacher was there and even asked what he was doing there so early, and Trenton explained to her, and then he asked her if he could possibly try to get his other 2 pages done that was supposed to be done in study hall so that he could have a clean slate. To his surprise, she agreed. And on our way to the car, Trenton said "mama, I am just doing these 2 study hall papers first because I told Mrs. Richardson that I would get them done if she gave me the chance and I need to make sure that I keep my word so she can believe me when I tell her something right?" Talk about a proud mommy moment!! I just thought that was so grown up of him to think that way and to know that when you give someone your word, you are supposed to stick to it. And to make the morning even better for me and him both, we went to the car and the little sucker had his work done in less than 6 minutes. All 4 pages completed. He was now free of study hall and has been ever since! Every afternoon that we have had on these pretty days, I have stopped and thought about how much fun he is having being able to actually run and play at recess instead of having to walk laps and be in study hall, and apparently Trenton has enjoyed it quite a bit because he has not been back to study hall since. Not only did he keep his word to me about getting up and not fussing about how early we had to leave or fussing about missing pokemon, he kept his word to his teacher and has also kept his word when he told me that morning that he was going to try extra hard to make sure that he stays out of study hall. :)
While I was just telling or should I say typing the story of Trenton's honesty, and me being so proud of him for it and it being something I embrace in him daily, I started thinking about why it is so hard for me to be honest with people about how I truly feel right now? If I am planting the seed of it in Trenton and watering it daily in hopes that it grows into a beautiful exotic flower that's petals never fall off, why am I not able to think the same for myself? Yes, I am an honest person to a fault. I often hurt people's feelings when they ask me for my opinion (not intentionally, but don't ask me what I think and then get mad because I tell you what I think. I've never understood why people do that. Ever. And never will. Ever.) And I am able to be so open about everything else in my life, yet when it comes to my heart it seems as if I have it encaged in a steel case, dead bolted, chain locked, with a key to never be found. Maybe if I am able to slowly start unlocking the dozens of locks, and start to crack the door to the steel case slowly letting a little fresh air in at a time, eventually I will be able to leave the door wide open letting everything in my breathe for once. Hmm... now that's a thought!
Other than my life and heart being consumed by 2 people that I loved and love more than anything, Derek and Trenton, I can't say that anything much other than what I've talked about has happened around my crazy world of living. Not the most exciting blog, but maybe this one will spark something up in me to get back on track with these things. Therapeutical they are for me!
Friday, March 25, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Fast forward to tomorrow please
Today? Let me put it this way, if it were up to me, I would have been hitting fast forward to tomorrow as soon as my feet hit the floor. Again, I was up at 4 am and not able to sleep, so my day started way earlier than I ever expected it to when I went to bed at 1 am last night. If my day is going to start that early, I want it to be a good one. Today was not.
Just the rain and gloom in the air alone we had today is enough to make the happiest of people frown let alone someone like me who seems to be down and out every single day nearly here lately. I've never needed spring to come so soon! So my down and outness plus this weather is not making a good combination for me...
Mom and I went to BG today and although we had a good day, neither of us were on top of the world with laughter like we were Saturday. For the first time ever, I think mom and I both had an understanding of how each other felt today. Although there was no fussing, or hatefulness between us, it was obvious that we were both under the weather and tired. She too had a sleepless night last night. Needless to say, the trip was a fairly quick one and I was back and in the car line to pick up Trenton. I think that was possibly the most exciting part of my day today. No matter what, that boy picks me up every time!
And as bad as I wish I could say that we had a totally fun filled evening around the house tonight, we didn't. David, me, Trenton, and Josie all fell asleep together on the couch for about an hour and after that, it was just the usual routine. All of us were wore out and just kinda blah tonight.. even Trenton which is rare within it's own because he is always, always full of laughter and life. But even though we weren't the usual spunky group running around and carrying on with laughter, we were together so what more could I ask for?
Today has just been awful on my mind. I have literally thought about my brother all day long. And today, I was not able to think about him and smile. I thought about him and was sad. And tonight, as I am the only one still awake as I type this, I wish more than ever that I could pick up the phone and talk to him. Right now is when I would normally be talking to him and it is killing me tonight that I can't. Sure i can talk to him, but I want to hear him. Hear his voice. Hear his laugh. Hear him breathe. Back in high school when my little sweethearts and I would break up, I thought I knew what it meant to have a broken heart. Let me tell ya, that wasn't nothing! I now know the true definition of a broken heart. My heart breaks that Derek is no longer here. It breaks that he is no longer able to be everything he ever was that meant so much to me and everyone that ever knew him. It breaks that Trenton no longer will be able to experience life with him. And it breaks my heart that Derek isn't here to experience Trenton and be able to brag about how he had the best nephew in the world. I honestly think I am almost angered that he isn't here. It angers me to see people that do so much wrong, and cause so many other people to suffer, yet they are still here living it up. But Derek, one of the most caring, loving, considerate, compassionate, funny, smart, ambitious, therapeutic people you could ever meet, is not. What has this other person done to deserve to stay but Derek being everything and so much more than I mentioned was robbed of it? I know life is unfair. But this is truly just that... unfair! I've never missed someone so much in my life.
I do believe the weather is supposed to warm up the next few days.. goodness I sure hope so! I don't know how many more of days like today my mind and heart are going to be able to take. For once, I am almost speechless today. It's a blah day and it just so happens to be so blah, I am going to try and call it a night in an effort to end this awful day in hopes of a better one in the morning. Hopefully starting at 6 am instead of 4!
Just the rain and gloom in the air alone we had today is enough to make the happiest of people frown let alone someone like me who seems to be down and out every single day nearly here lately. I've never needed spring to come so soon! So my down and outness plus this weather is not making a good combination for me...
Mom and I went to BG today and although we had a good day, neither of us were on top of the world with laughter like we were Saturday. For the first time ever, I think mom and I both had an understanding of how each other felt today. Although there was no fussing, or hatefulness between us, it was obvious that we were both under the weather and tired. She too had a sleepless night last night. Needless to say, the trip was a fairly quick one and I was back and in the car line to pick up Trenton. I think that was possibly the most exciting part of my day today. No matter what, that boy picks me up every time!
And as bad as I wish I could say that we had a totally fun filled evening around the house tonight, we didn't. David, me, Trenton, and Josie all fell asleep together on the couch for about an hour and after that, it was just the usual routine. All of us were wore out and just kinda blah tonight.. even Trenton which is rare within it's own because he is always, always full of laughter and life. But even though we weren't the usual spunky group running around and carrying on with laughter, we were together so what more could I ask for?
Today has just been awful on my mind. I have literally thought about my brother all day long. And today, I was not able to think about him and smile. I thought about him and was sad. And tonight, as I am the only one still awake as I type this, I wish more than ever that I could pick up the phone and talk to him. Right now is when I would normally be talking to him and it is killing me tonight that I can't. Sure i can talk to him, but I want to hear him. Hear his voice. Hear his laugh. Hear him breathe. Back in high school when my little sweethearts and I would break up, I thought I knew what it meant to have a broken heart. Let me tell ya, that wasn't nothing! I now know the true definition of a broken heart. My heart breaks that Derek is no longer here. It breaks that he is no longer able to be everything he ever was that meant so much to me and everyone that ever knew him. It breaks that Trenton no longer will be able to experience life with him. And it breaks my heart that Derek isn't here to experience Trenton and be able to brag about how he had the best nephew in the world. I honestly think I am almost angered that he isn't here. It angers me to see people that do so much wrong, and cause so many other people to suffer, yet they are still here living it up. But Derek, one of the most caring, loving, considerate, compassionate, funny, smart, ambitious, therapeutic people you could ever meet, is not. What has this other person done to deserve to stay but Derek being everything and so much more than I mentioned was robbed of it? I know life is unfair. But this is truly just that... unfair! I've never missed someone so much in my life.
I do believe the weather is supposed to warm up the next few days.. goodness I sure hope so! I don't know how many more of days like today my mind and heart are going to be able to take. For once, I am almost speechless today. It's a blah day and it just so happens to be so blah, I am going to try and call it a night in an effort to end this awful day in hopes of a better one in the morning. Hopefully starting at 6 am instead of 4!
Blah!
4 am. Woke up from having a horrible dream about my brother and needless to say, there was no hope of going back to sleep so, I have been up and sitting here ever since. Not exactly the way I wanted to start my day off! Not only does it look like I am going to have one of those days where my brother is on my mind like crazy, but now I am going to be extremely tired, sleepy, and like I always am when I am tired, I will be ill at the world. Hopefully, I will be able to make the best of this long day ahead, and be able to blog tonight talking about how good of a day I actually ended up having. Hopefully being the key word in that last sentence.
One good thing about getting up at 4 am. Normally, my answer would be that there can't be anything good about waking up that early, but by me already being up when David got up to go to work, I did get to spend some time with him this morning. That is a never! I am a sleeper. I must have it, and must have a lot of it. Something that runs in our family because Trenton is the same way, and Derek was always the same. People say that we could sleep through the world coming to an end and never know it. Honestly, they are probably right!
Don't you hate it when you have seen something but then when you are looking for it, you cant find it? I have not been able to find my camera for 2 weeks now and it is driving me crazy! I love taking pictures and not being able to take any is eating me up. I know it is here.. I know it is. I took it with me on the trip to CT to get Derek's things, and when I got back I uploaded the pics of it, but now it is nowhere to be found. Although I have all of the pics uploaded onto my computer, it is really bothering me that I cant find it and the last pics I took with Derek are on that memory card. Strange because you would think that with me having them on the computer, that at least would keep me from freaking out about it. Not like I didn't upload them and now they are gone.... thankfully, I did. But I know it is here. I know I seen it somewhere. But I can not for the life of me figure out where I put it, or why I even apparently hid it from myself? You see, I am an extremely good hider. I put things up so that nothing will happen to them (important papers especially), and then when I need them, I cant remember where I put them. Most of the time, I never find them until we are in the process of moving. Then they always end up being in a place that I swore I looked a million times. But when it comes to anything else in life, I remember everything. And not only do I remember it, but I remember it in great detail. Something that could have some good use, but if it is one of the instances that tend to mind rape you at night, it is awful remembering it with so much detail.
And while I am on a roll, don't you hate it when people always feel like they have to out do the people around them? I mean, really... where in the world does that get you other than disappointed? You would think that with them complaining about money all of the time, they wouldn't dig themselves in an even deeper hole. To hear it from them, they do good to eat. Oh well, it really isnt any of my business. And THANKFULLY, I am in no way like this. The things I cherish most in life, no amount of money could ever buy.
Within the next few minutes, my morning of pokemon and giggles is about to start. Trenton absolutely loves pokemon! He gets so darn excited and tore up over it! He gives me tests about the characters, and always asks me which one is the fire type and which one has this and that, and the newest question: which one weighs the most? Diaga is the answer. :)
I can not wait for the weather to warm up this week! It is going to be beautiful! Sunday is supposed to be 78 degrees and sunny! Gosh, I can't wait! I just wish that it was my weekend for Trenton to be home so that we could go do something in this goregous weather they are calling for. I hate when he is gone. It literally kills me every other weekend. I get so homesick for him and of course, when I try to call and talk to him and never get an answer or a call back, it just crushes me even more. That is something that really angers me. Just because his dad doesnt call to talk to him, ever, does not mean I am the same way. But of course, he does no wrong!
If you havent noticed, I am not in the best spirits this morning. Sucks too because I was really hoping for a good day. Yesterday wasn't bad, but it wasn't great. Definitely wasn't anything like how I felt saturday and sunday. Hopefully this weather coming up will do something for me again. And since I am not in the best of moods and pretty much am just blogging because I am bored at this moment, and in a bad mood and just venting, I will cut this one here. Hopefully, tonights will be a different story.
One good thing about getting up at 4 am. Normally, my answer would be that there can't be anything good about waking up that early, but by me already being up when David got up to go to work, I did get to spend some time with him this morning. That is a never! I am a sleeper. I must have it, and must have a lot of it. Something that runs in our family because Trenton is the same way, and Derek was always the same. People say that we could sleep through the world coming to an end and never know it. Honestly, they are probably right!
Don't you hate it when you have seen something but then when you are looking for it, you cant find it? I have not been able to find my camera for 2 weeks now and it is driving me crazy! I love taking pictures and not being able to take any is eating me up. I know it is here.. I know it is. I took it with me on the trip to CT to get Derek's things, and when I got back I uploaded the pics of it, but now it is nowhere to be found. Although I have all of the pics uploaded onto my computer, it is really bothering me that I cant find it and the last pics I took with Derek are on that memory card. Strange because you would think that with me having them on the computer, that at least would keep me from freaking out about it. Not like I didn't upload them and now they are gone.... thankfully, I did. But I know it is here. I know I seen it somewhere. But I can not for the life of me figure out where I put it, or why I even apparently hid it from myself? You see, I am an extremely good hider. I put things up so that nothing will happen to them (important papers especially), and then when I need them, I cant remember where I put them. Most of the time, I never find them until we are in the process of moving. Then they always end up being in a place that I swore I looked a million times. But when it comes to anything else in life, I remember everything. And not only do I remember it, but I remember it in great detail. Something that could have some good use, but if it is one of the instances that tend to mind rape you at night, it is awful remembering it with so much detail.
And while I am on a roll, don't you hate it when people always feel like they have to out do the people around them? I mean, really... where in the world does that get you other than disappointed? You would think that with them complaining about money all of the time, they wouldn't dig themselves in an even deeper hole. To hear it from them, they do good to eat. Oh well, it really isnt any of my business. And THANKFULLY, I am in no way like this. The things I cherish most in life, no amount of money could ever buy.
Within the next few minutes, my morning of pokemon and giggles is about to start. Trenton absolutely loves pokemon! He gets so darn excited and tore up over it! He gives me tests about the characters, and always asks me which one is the fire type and which one has this and that, and the newest question: which one weighs the most? Diaga is the answer. :)
I can not wait for the weather to warm up this week! It is going to be beautiful! Sunday is supposed to be 78 degrees and sunny! Gosh, I can't wait! I just wish that it was my weekend for Trenton to be home so that we could go do something in this goregous weather they are calling for. I hate when he is gone. It literally kills me every other weekend. I get so homesick for him and of course, when I try to call and talk to him and never get an answer or a call back, it just crushes me even more. That is something that really angers me. Just because his dad doesnt call to talk to him, ever, does not mean I am the same way. But of course, he does no wrong!
If you havent noticed, I am not in the best spirits this morning. Sucks too because I was really hoping for a good day. Yesterday wasn't bad, but it wasn't great. Definitely wasn't anything like how I felt saturday and sunday. Hopefully this weather coming up will do something for me again. And since I am not in the best of moods and pretty much am just blogging because I am bored at this moment, and in a bad mood and just venting, I will cut this one here. Hopefully, tonights will be a different story.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Cheesy grins
First and foremost, I have to start this by bragging about how good of a weekend I have had! It has been great! This weekend has by far been the best weekend I have had in a very, very, very long time. I literally just feel like I am on top of the world today. A feeling I was starting to believe I had forgotten what felt like. And by far, a feeling that I needed to be reminded still exists. And as proudly as you can picture, as I type this, I can say that I do in fact remember this feeling and I am in love!
What better way to start explaining this awesome weekend than starting at the beginning? Friday. For a few weeks now, I had been planning on going to Bowling Green with 2 of my high school color guard friends for a night of girl fun. So as the afternoon approached, like usual, I was running behind but eager to start getting ready to head out. After doing the usual of touching up my make up and fixing my hair, and of course not forgetting to make sure I had my high heels on, the girls were here to get me and we were ready to hit the road! After getting to BG, we went to tidballs to meet up with one of my all time very best friends since 6th grade, Nick, and to watch his band play. And after having a good visit with him and hearing some good music, we went down the street to another bar to hear some dance music. Although that place was deader than a door nail, we played pool and still had a good time. Our night started late, so it seemed as if it flew by but on the way home and after pulling up in my driveway, we started doing the girl thing. Talking. We all talked about things that have happened and things that we think about a lot in life, and how we feel about it, and I can honestly say that some of it felt so good to get off of my chest. And after sitting in the driveway, doing nothing but listening and talking for over an hour, when I came back into the house, I was sitting on the couch winding down for a minute and realized that for one of the first times that night, I was able to talk about my brother and not get horribly saddened. I in fact was able to talk about him, and smile. A huge step for me that evening!
Day 2. Saturday. Also for a week or so now, Mom and I had planned on going to Gallatin and Henderson Tennessee to close Derek's bank account, and to make a day of it with some shopping. If you know me, and you know my mom, you know we love each other to pieces and in fact, both of us don't know what we would ever do without each other. but we are so much alike when it comes to certain things in life, we always bump heads. Derek always said "Kacie your so damn head strong, and she is too. You know what you want, and she does too and neither of you know how to handle it when someone else is just as strong as you." Boy, was he ever right about that! And while I had actually been looking forward to this Saturday, I hate to say it, but at the same time I was almost weary of it. Lately, mom has been an emotional wreck and I myself, have been the same way so talking between us has been hard. Both of us are the type that when we are down, everybody around us knows it. And you know the old saying "when something is wrong people always take it out on the ones they love they most"? That is so very true and that is exactly what mom and I are notorious for doing to each other. So you can only imagine with both of us dealing with everything about Derek how we have been towards each other. It's not that we mean to, or that we don't feel bad afterwards, but its just us. I could try and explain it all day to you but it is just something that you would have to witness in order to understand it fully. But, she is my mama and I love her to pieces. I hope that if there is a such thing as anything good coming from this, it may be that mom and I are able to become closer and have the relationship that we both want that doesn't consist of us being hateful to one another the majority of the time. And after yesterday, I can honestly say that I feel like there is hope in it happening.
We went to the Home Goods store that we both love and spent FOREVER in there. Literally. We had to actually stop shopping and pay for what we had at that moment, put it in the car and go eat lunch before going back to finish up shopping in the store. I love that store! It has the neatest, prettiest home decor for the cheapest prices! And I'm not sure if you know what a Hyundai Accent is, but it is an extremely small car. So for us to be able to fit all of our stuff in it the way we did, and it be crammed to the gill, that alone put a smile on our faces. We laughed and laughed over the car being loaded down the way it was. It definitely held a lot more than we ever dreamed of it holding! And after spending what seemed like endless hours in the home goods store, we made our way over to Ross. I also LOVE Ross! I had never heard of it until David took me to Atlanta for the first time and took me to it insisting that I would love it. He was right. So right that every time we make a trip to Atlanta now, we have to stop by Ross in order for me to spend a minimum of 2 hours in it. So when I found out that we had one close enough to go to around here, I was super excited! Although they have clothes and shoes and its pretty much like a tj maxx, I love the home decor aisles in the back. I bought 2 shirts there yesterday and that is pretty much the only thing I have ever bought there that wasn't home decor. Now, keep in mind that we left Glasgow at 8 am yesterday, and did not get home until 9 pm, and only went to 3 stores. I told you we spent endless hours in the stores! But mom found a bunch of new stuff for her house that she loved, and I myself found more than I ever dreamed of finding for our house, so we have both been back and forth on the phone with each other talking about where we put what and how good it looks. :) Also, I found a picture at the home goods store that is the prettiest things you've ever seen and being it was kinda pricey and wouldn't allow myself to buy it, mom volunteered to get it for me and let it be part of an early mother's day gift for me. It's beautiful! It's made like a shadow box, with a silver frame, creme colored background, and its wider than it is tall and has 3 paper flowers that go straight across it. And the flowers are 3 dimensional. Not sure how to explain it, but it's gorgeous! I cant wait until I figure out exactly where to put it and get it hung up! And on top of that, I got oodles and oodles of other new things. Oh, and the best steal of the day.... (insert drum roll here)... a new bed spread for $12.99!!!! I know right?!?! I didn't know there was a such thing as a 12.99 bead spread that existed! It had originally been $99, and I too loved it and it was what I had been looking for, so needless to say, it was in my cart with my name on it faster than you could blink!
On top of all the pretties and good deals we found, mom and I actually laughed all day long. There was no tension at all. And both of us were able to talk about Derek and not get upset. As we shopped through the endless aisles, as we would see stuff, we would both say "this is something Derek would love". Being able to talk about him, and think about him and it not ruin us for the day, that seemed like a big step for both of us. And after we did manage to find our way back to Glasgow with a little bitty car piled to the roof literally, I was on cloud 9. I had managed to have the best day that I have had since Derek's passing. And not only was I on cloud 9 because of how good of a day I was able to have, I was on cloud 9 because it also consisted of my mama being a part of it. Days like yesterday with her, are the days I wish we had all of the time. I pray that days like yesterday continue between us. It's been a hard, bumpy road for her, and I pray every night that she will find peace within herself and her heart and be able to experience life. Seeing her the way she was yesterday, I now see a hope of that happening in the future for her also. Oh, and how could I forget the weather yesterday?! Oh my goodness, it was perfect! I'm telling ya, Derek hears me every time and makes it happen for me!
Today. Sunday. David woke everyone up at a decent hour this morning so that we could have some much needed time spent together. Trenton got up in a really good mood and got himself dressed while David and I were getting dressed and then we were off to hit the road in this beautiful sunny weather we managed to have not just yesterday, but today too! Our only true destination was to go to Factory Connection and look around and exchange something, and the rest we played by ear from there. In the car, Trenton was in the best mood giggling, and talking up a storm about anything you can imagine running through an 8 yr old mind. He is your typical boy, and usually doesn't like shopping. At. All! So for him to be so patient and good in the clothing store, we decided that he could pick the spot to eat. Subway it was! That boy LOVES subway! He would eat it everyday of his life if he could. He really should be the spokes model for them! Be the next Jarred! ha! Usually when we eat fast food, we end up just bringing it home to eat but we decided to enjoy the day out and eat inside. Trenton got his usual, 12 inch sub club on wheat, apple slices, and a chocolate chip cookie. And yes, he eats every bite of it! I don't know where he puts it, but it goes somewhere! But today, he had an idea that I thought was a great one, and very sweet. As he was sitting there and eating his first half, he decided that he wanted to bring the other half home. He said, " I can eat this half as my late lunch, and then take this half home for dinner. That sounds like a good idea don't it mama?". Yes, it was an excellent idea! So later on tonight, he indeed devoured the other half of his oh so yummy sub club and has remained being the sweetest!
Not sure how I could forget to mention this, but when I got home from shopping with mom yesterday, there was a card hanging on the bathroom mirror for me. I opened it and it was a just because I love you card from David. Knowing he had me on his mind enough to want to go pick a card out for me put the biggest smile on my face! But oh no, it didn't stop there! When I went into the bedroom he had the bed made, and laying on my pillow was yet another just because I love you card. Can you imagine getting 2 in one day? Well, imagine 3! Because later on when I went to get on my laptop, I opened it and laying on the keyboard was card #3! It was the sweetest thing and made me feel so darn good knowing that he had me on his mind so much that he felt the need to go buy me some cards and tell me how much he loved me. And it was obvious that he actually spent time reading them and finding the perfect ones, because they were just that. Perfect! They even had sparkles on them! No matter who they are for, or what occasion it may be, every card I buy has to have something that sparkles on it. What can I say? I'm a sucker for sparklie things! :)
Normally I am excited to spring forward an hour because it means the days are going to be getting longer. It is one step closer to spring and the start of warm weather. But I have actually not liked losing an hour last night. Not because we lost an hours worth of sleep or anything of that sort, but because we lost an hour last night, it was one hour less I had during this perfect weekend. This weekend has literally been one of those weekends that you don't ever want to end. I stayed up until 3 am last night because I had had such a good day with mom and didn't want it to end, and then today I feel the same way. I was sad that I had to put Trenton to bed early because of school tomorrow, and I am sad that everyone is heading to bed and ending this awesome family day we have had together. And, unfortunately, I go back to school tomorrow. Not sure why I am dreading it considering that while on spring break this week, I have complained that I had nothing to do during the day and all it did was make me sit around and think all of the time but the show must go on! I cant wait until summer break and I have Trenton to myself everyday and we get to go spend time swimming and doing whatever we feel like doing. No going to bed at a certain time, and no having to get up early. Summer time in this house, is the best time by far!
And although I do not want this weekend to end, it is that time. Time to get back in the rhythm of the week life and stay on task. But before closing this, I must say while riding in the car today, I was of course doing nothing but thinking, but whats new? And while thinking, I somehow couldn't help but thank my brother for this weekend. I just know that he had something to do with the way I have felt the past few days. I told him I needed some sunshine, and boy did he give it to me! And I told him I needed to know that I was going to be okay. And he did just that. He gave me the sun, and he brought back the feeling of who I was a month ago. He reminded me of what makes me who I am and what I appreciate in my life. Gave me the feelings that I so deeply know that he would want me to feel. He gave them to me, and I felt them with everything in my heart. It's the little things like this that help me to know that he is okay and being taken care of, and to know that he is taking care of me. Again, I just thought about him and was able to smile. :)
What better way to start explaining this awesome weekend than starting at the beginning? Friday. For a few weeks now, I had been planning on going to Bowling Green with 2 of my high school color guard friends for a night of girl fun. So as the afternoon approached, like usual, I was running behind but eager to start getting ready to head out. After doing the usual of touching up my make up and fixing my hair, and of course not forgetting to make sure I had my high heels on, the girls were here to get me and we were ready to hit the road! After getting to BG, we went to tidballs to meet up with one of my all time very best friends since 6th grade, Nick, and to watch his band play. And after having a good visit with him and hearing some good music, we went down the street to another bar to hear some dance music. Although that place was deader than a door nail, we played pool and still had a good time. Our night started late, so it seemed as if it flew by but on the way home and after pulling up in my driveway, we started doing the girl thing. Talking. We all talked about things that have happened and things that we think about a lot in life, and how we feel about it, and I can honestly say that some of it felt so good to get off of my chest. And after sitting in the driveway, doing nothing but listening and talking for over an hour, when I came back into the house, I was sitting on the couch winding down for a minute and realized that for one of the first times that night, I was able to talk about my brother and not get horribly saddened. I in fact was able to talk about him, and smile. A huge step for me that evening!
Day 2. Saturday. Also for a week or so now, Mom and I had planned on going to Gallatin and Henderson Tennessee to close Derek's bank account, and to make a day of it with some shopping. If you know me, and you know my mom, you know we love each other to pieces and in fact, both of us don't know what we would ever do without each other. but we are so much alike when it comes to certain things in life, we always bump heads. Derek always said "Kacie your so damn head strong, and she is too. You know what you want, and she does too and neither of you know how to handle it when someone else is just as strong as you." Boy, was he ever right about that! And while I had actually been looking forward to this Saturday, I hate to say it, but at the same time I was almost weary of it. Lately, mom has been an emotional wreck and I myself, have been the same way so talking between us has been hard. Both of us are the type that when we are down, everybody around us knows it. And you know the old saying "when something is wrong people always take it out on the ones they love they most"? That is so very true and that is exactly what mom and I are notorious for doing to each other. So you can only imagine with both of us dealing with everything about Derek how we have been towards each other. It's not that we mean to, or that we don't feel bad afterwards, but its just us. I could try and explain it all day to you but it is just something that you would have to witness in order to understand it fully. But, she is my mama and I love her to pieces. I hope that if there is a such thing as anything good coming from this, it may be that mom and I are able to become closer and have the relationship that we both want that doesn't consist of us being hateful to one another the majority of the time. And after yesterday, I can honestly say that I feel like there is hope in it happening.
We went to the Home Goods store that we both love and spent FOREVER in there. Literally. We had to actually stop shopping and pay for what we had at that moment, put it in the car and go eat lunch before going back to finish up shopping in the store. I love that store! It has the neatest, prettiest home decor for the cheapest prices! And I'm not sure if you know what a Hyundai Accent is, but it is an extremely small car. So for us to be able to fit all of our stuff in it the way we did, and it be crammed to the gill, that alone put a smile on our faces. We laughed and laughed over the car being loaded down the way it was. It definitely held a lot more than we ever dreamed of it holding! And after spending what seemed like endless hours in the home goods store, we made our way over to Ross. I also LOVE Ross! I had never heard of it until David took me to Atlanta for the first time and took me to it insisting that I would love it. He was right. So right that every time we make a trip to Atlanta now, we have to stop by Ross in order for me to spend a minimum of 2 hours in it. So when I found out that we had one close enough to go to around here, I was super excited! Although they have clothes and shoes and its pretty much like a tj maxx, I love the home decor aisles in the back. I bought 2 shirts there yesterday and that is pretty much the only thing I have ever bought there that wasn't home decor. Now, keep in mind that we left Glasgow at 8 am yesterday, and did not get home until 9 pm, and only went to 3 stores. I told you we spent endless hours in the stores! But mom found a bunch of new stuff for her house that she loved, and I myself found more than I ever dreamed of finding for our house, so we have both been back and forth on the phone with each other talking about where we put what and how good it looks. :) Also, I found a picture at the home goods store that is the prettiest things you've ever seen and being it was kinda pricey and wouldn't allow myself to buy it, mom volunteered to get it for me and let it be part of an early mother's day gift for me. It's beautiful! It's made like a shadow box, with a silver frame, creme colored background, and its wider than it is tall and has 3 paper flowers that go straight across it. And the flowers are 3 dimensional. Not sure how to explain it, but it's gorgeous! I cant wait until I figure out exactly where to put it and get it hung up! And on top of that, I got oodles and oodles of other new things. Oh, and the best steal of the day.... (insert drum roll here)... a new bed spread for $12.99!!!! I know right?!?! I didn't know there was a such thing as a 12.99 bead spread that existed! It had originally been $99, and I too loved it and it was what I had been looking for, so needless to say, it was in my cart with my name on it faster than you could blink!
On top of all the pretties and good deals we found, mom and I actually laughed all day long. There was no tension at all. And both of us were able to talk about Derek and not get upset. As we shopped through the endless aisles, as we would see stuff, we would both say "this is something Derek would love". Being able to talk about him, and think about him and it not ruin us for the day, that seemed like a big step for both of us. And after we did manage to find our way back to Glasgow with a little bitty car piled to the roof literally, I was on cloud 9. I had managed to have the best day that I have had since Derek's passing. And not only was I on cloud 9 because of how good of a day I was able to have, I was on cloud 9 because it also consisted of my mama being a part of it. Days like yesterday with her, are the days I wish we had all of the time. I pray that days like yesterday continue between us. It's been a hard, bumpy road for her, and I pray every night that she will find peace within herself and her heart and be able to experience life. Seeing her the way she was yesterday, I now see a hope of that happening in the future for her also. Oh, and how could I forget the weather yesterday?! Oh my goodness, it was perfect! I'm telling ya, Derek hears me every time and makes it happen for me!
Today. Sunday. David woke everyone up at a decent hour this morning so that we could have some much needed time spent together. Trenton got up in a really good mood and got himself dressed while David and I were getting dressed and then we were off to hit the road in this beautiful sunny weather we managed to have not just yesterday, but today too! Our only true destination was to go to Factory Connection and look around and exchange something, and the rest we played by ear from there. In the car, Trenton was in the best mood giggling, and talking up a storm about anything you can imagine running through an 8 yr old mind. He is your typical boy, and usually doesn't like shopping. At. All! So for him to be so patient and good in the clothing store, we decided that he could pick the spot to eat. Subway it was! That boy LOVES subway! He would eat it everyday of his life if he could. He really should be the spokes model for them! Be the next Jarred! ha! Usually when we eat fast food, we end up just bringing it home to eat but we decided to enjoy the day out and eat inside. Trenton got his usual, 12 inch sub club on wheat, apple slices, and a chocolate chip cookie. And yes, he eats every bite of it! I don't know where he puts it, but it goes somewhere! But today, he had an idea that I thought was a great one, and very sweet. As he was sitting there and eating his first half, he decided that he wanted to bring the other half home. He said, " I can eat this half as my late lunch, and then take this half home for dinner. That sounds like a good idea don't it mama?". Yes, it was an excellent idea! So later on tonight, he indeed devoured the other half of his oh so yummy sub club and has remained being the sweetest!
Not sure how I could forget to mention this, but when I got home from shopping with mom yesterday, there was a card hanging on the bathroom mirror for me. I opened it and it was a just because I love you card from David. Knowing he had me on his mind enough to want to go pick a card out for me put the biggest smile on my face! But oh no, it didn't stop there! When I went into the bedroom he had the bed made, and laying on my pillow was yet another just because I love you card. Can you imagine getting 2 in one day? Well, imagine 3! Because later on when I went to get on my laptop, I opened it and laying on the keyboard was card #3! It was the sweetest thing and made me feel so darn good knowing that he had me on his mind so much that he felt the need to go buy me some cards and tell me how much he loved me. And it was obvious that he actually spent time reading them and finding the perfect ones, because they were just that. Perfect! They even had sparkles on them! No matter who they are for, or what occasion it may be, every card I buy has to have something that sparkles on it. What can I say? I'm a sucker for sparklie things! :)
Normally I am excited to spring forward an hour because it means the days are going to be getting longer. It is one step closer to spring and the start of warm weather. But I have actually not liked losing an hour last night. Not because we lost an hours worth of sleep or anything of that sort, but because we lost an hour last night, it was one hour less I had during this perfect weekend. This weekend has literally been one of those weekends that you don't ever want to end. I stayed up until 3 am last night because I had had such a good day with mom and didn't want it to end, and then today I feel the same way. I was sad that I had to put Trenton to bed early because of school tomorrow, and I am sad that everyone is heading to bed and ending this awesome family day we have had together. And, unfortunately, I go back to school tomorrow. Not sure why I am dreading it considering that while on spring break this week, I have complained that I had nothing to do during the day and all it did was make me sit around and think all of the time but the show must go on! I cant wait until summer break and I have Trenton to myself everyday and we get to go spend time swimming and doing whatever we feel like doing. No going to bed at a certain time, and no having to get up early. Summer time in this house, is the best time by far!
And although I do not want this weekend to end, it is that time. Time to get back in the rhythm of the week life and stay on task. But before closing this, I must say while riding in the car today, I was of course doing nothing but thinking, but whats new? And while thinking, I somehow couldn't help but thank my brother for this weekend. I just know that he had something to do with the way I have felt the past few days. I told him I needed some sunshine, and boy did he give it to me! And I told him I needed to know that I was going to be okay. And he did just that. He gave me the sun, and he brought back the feeling of who I was a month ago. He reminded me of what makes me who I am and what I appreciate in my life. Gave me the feelings that I so deeply know that he would want me to feel. He gave them to me, and I felt them with everything in my heart. It's the little things like this that help me to know that he is okay and being taken care of, and to know that he is taking care of me. Again, I just thought about him and was able to smile. :)
Thursday, March 10, 2011
It never fades, it never dims
After a long day of sitting at the house by myself, along with the rainy, yucky day it was outside, by the time 3 o'clock came, I felt like I couldn't get to the school fast enough to get Trenton. This extension of the school days is killing me! Especially on days like today where I am lonely and sad feeling, and at the house all by myself doing nothing but thinking. So finally, the time had came. It was 2:45. Time to head towards town to get in the ferocious line up of cars that wraps around the building and down the streets into town. For some reason today, it seemed like an even more absurd amount of cars in the line. So after sitting there and waiting patiently as I was moving every bit of 1 foot every 5 minutes, and after finally realizing I should just put the car in neutral so I don't have to sit and hold the clutch in to the point it gives me a charlie horse in my toes, I finally made it to the door where stood my little Trenton Lane.
As soon as I pulled up, he came running to the car and before he could even get the car door opened, I could hear him yelling "Hey Mama! They are selling the new Pokemon Black and White posters in the library! Can we park and go get one?" After convincing him to go ahead and get in the car so I could park, he informed me that he had gotten 2 good notes at school today and did not get study hall. Poor little guy gets study hall nearly every day for daydreaming so for this to be day #2 with no study hall or bad notes, of course I had to let out a big "woohoo!" and a high five to him! And also being this made day #2, I of course fought back through the traffic and waited ever so patiently until I could squeeze our little car into a parking space. When Trenton realized what we were doing, he then let out a big "woohoo!" with excitement. We got out of the car and before I could turn around, Trenton was running across the parking lot wide open and headed straight for the doors. Once I finally mustered up enough pace in my steps to catch up to him without having to break out in a full on jog, we headed straight to the library. When we got to the double glass doors, the lights were turned off. At that moment, I seen the excitement just fall out of Trenton and smack the floor. It was as if someone just crushed his little heart. Naturally, what's a mom to do other than find a way to fix the situation that is upsetting your child? I told him we could stop by the office and see if they would let us pay for one of them in there. At least it gave him some hope for a few more minutes. And after going to the office, and talking to the secretary, the excitement was back in his eye as she was walking us back down the hall towards the library with the keys to the door in her hand. Trenton got his pokemon poster, and to help with an even better ending, come to find out, they were free. :)
When we got back to the car after accomplishing our mission of the pokemon poster, Trenton dug right into his backpack and pulled out one of his pokemon books. Every month Trent brings home a book order from school to where you can order books for extremely low prices. Almost always, I order him some books from it. Plus, it is about the only place that I can find him pokemon books that I don't have to pay an arm and a leg for. The last time I ordered a big kit of pokemon books and didn't realize that they were actually small chapter books. I just went by the reading level and assumed they were the same as all of the others. And even though he was excited to get them just because they were pokemon, he wasn't too thrilled that what few pictures they have in them were in black and white. At the time, I told him that if he ever read a chapter book, he would really enjoy it. And that they were so much more detailed, you didn't need all of the pictures in order for you to visualize what you are reading. He still wouldn't accept it. So when I looked over today and saw that he had his book out without anybody mentioning to him that he needed to do his reading, I was very proud. But when I realized that he in fact was reading one of his chapter books, and was actually already on chapter 7, I was even more proud. He was so into this book that he didn't even want to get out of the car when we pulled into the driveway because he wanted to keep reading. So in order to keep him from losing his page, I grabbed my purse, his backpack, and his poster and he read as he walked into the house. I can proudly say that he never even turned on his tv or asked to play his games or anything until he finished that entire book this afternoon. And I can say even more proudly that he has now started chapter book #2! Ever since he has gotten to where he can read and actually read good, I love to watch him do it. I'm not sure what it is about it, but it just melts my heart to see him sit there and read his books. Just the innocence on his face alone melts me. And I also have always had this thing to where I love to watch Trenton's hands. I am not sure why, but I do. Something about watching him sit there and take his little fingers and turn pages, just does something for me. I don't just do this when he is reading either.. it's anything. Whether he is holding a pencil, eating with his fork, or just talking and using hand gestures while talking, I love to watch his hands. Just one of those things, I guess? :) I remember when he was first born, and after every thing was settled down and I finally got to look him over and stare at every little feature he consisted of, he reminded me so much of Derek. Those were actually the first words out of my mouth when I laid eyes on him. I said "oh my gosh, he looks just like Derek!" And not only did he favor Derek, his little hands were identical to Derek's, and still are.
I've always heard that a child knows when something is going on even if they can't see it happening. And that is something that I have always kept in mind when I have a bad day or something isn't going my way that is making me upset. No matter what, I always try to make sure that Trenton doesn't know anything is wrong. Until today, I have always been convinced that I was perfect at hiding how I truly felt to him. He must have known that I need some love today because he has done nothing but give me all of the love in the world tonight! He has been the absolute sweetest thing you've ever seen tonight! No matter what I have asked him to do, he has went straight to it and done it without me having to even think of asking twice, and without giving me any of his new found 8 yr old attitude that he sometimes wants to try me with. Luckily, he is a good kid and even when he is trying to be grown at the big age of 8, it still is no where near as bad as I see some kids act on a daily basis. For that, I really can't complain too much about it. But when he is sweet, they sure don't get any sweeter! Earlier this evening, he was running through the living room with his bedroom as his next destination, and as he ran through he said "I love you mommy!" I replied back with "I love you too baby" and no sooner than I said that, he looked at me with the biggest smile and said "you weren't expecting that were you? Did I make your heart smile?" After he said that, I literally sat here and thought to myself "you have no idea how big you make my heart smile." From that moment, my night has been one of the best I've had in a while. Who wouldn't be on cloud 9 after hearing your child say something so darn sweet? All of the loving, snuggling, and giggling he has given me tonight, I am now reminded of my reason for being. Without him, I am afraid to think of who and what I would be. He is the reason I am able to wear my heart on my sleeve, and watch my heart beat outside of my body. The reason I am able to love and know what true love is. The reason I understand the true definition of unconditional love. And the reason I strive to be a better person. He alone has helped me so much in the past month by him just existing. I was talking to a friend last week who himself is a new daddy, and I told him " I have one weakness in this world, and that is my son. I also have one strength in this world, and that is my son." He told me that I used the best use of words he had ever heard just then... and after thinking about what he had just said, I told him that it was not a good use of words. Just words spoken straight from my heart. And after I hung up the phone and was thinking about some of the stuff we had talked about, I then brought it to my own attention that everything I say about Trenton, and everything I think about Trenton, and everything I see in Trenton is always straight from my heart. I have never once been able to look at him and not get an overwhelming feeling of love take over my soul. And I have never once been able to talk about him and not get a sparkle in my eye. He truly is the light of my life! One that will never fade, never go dim.
As soon as I pulled up, he came running to the car and before he could even get the car door opened, I could hear him yelling "Hey Mama! They are selling the new Pokemon Black and White posters in the library! Can we park and go get one?" After convincing him to go ahead and get in the car so I could park, he informed me that he had gotten 2 good notes at school today and did not get study hall. Poor little guy gets study hall nearly every day for daydreaming so for this to be day #2 with no study hall or bad notes, of course I had to let out a big "woohoo!" and a high five to him! And also being this made day #2, I of course fought back through the traffic and waited ever so patiently until I could squeeze our little car into a parking space. When Trenton realized what we were doing, he then let out a big "woohoo!" with excitement. We got out of the car and before I could turn around, Trenton was running across the parking lot wide open and headed straight for the doors. Once I finally mustered up enough pace in my steps to catch up to him without having to break out in a full on jog, we headed straight to the library. When we got to the double glass doors, the lights were turned off. At that moment, I seen the excitement just fall out of Trenton and smack the floor. It was as if someone just crushed his little heart. Naturally, what's a mom to do other than find a way to fix the situation that is upsetting your child? I told him we could stop by the office and see if they would let us pay for one of them in there. At least it gave him some hope for a few more minutes. And after going to the office, and talking to the secretary, the excitement was back in his eye as she was walking us back down the hall towards the library with the keys to the door in her hand. Trenton got his pokemon poster, and to help with an even better ending, come to find out, they were free. :)
When we got back to the car after accomplishing our mission of the pokemon poster, Trenton dug right into his backpack and pulled out one of his pokemon books. Every month Trent brings home a book order from school to where you can order books for extremely low prices. Almost always, I order him some books from it. Plus, it is about the only place that I can find him pokemon books that I don't have to pay an arm and a leg for. The last time I ordered a big kit of pokemon books and didn't realize that they were actually small chapter books. I just went by the reading level and assumed they were the same as all of the others. And even though he was excited to get them just because they were pokemon, he wasn't too thrilled that what few pictures they have in them were in black and white. At the time, I told him that if he ever read a chapter book, he would really enjoy it. And that they were so much more detailed, you didn't need all of the pictures in order for you to visualize what you are reading. He still wouldn't accept it. So when I looked over today and saw that he had his book out without anybody mentioning to him that he needed to do his reading, I was very proud. But when I realized that he in fact was reading one of his chapter books, and was actually already on chapter 7, I was even more proud. He was so into this book that he didn't even want to get out of the car when we pulled into the driveway because he wanted to keep reading. So in order to keep him from losing his page, I grabbed my purse, his backpack, and his poster and he read as he walked into the house. I can proudly say that he never even turned on his tv or asked to play his games or anything until he finished that entire book this afternoon. And I can say even more proudly that he has now started chapter book #2! Ever since he has gotten to where he can read and actually read good, I love to watch him do it. I'm not sure what it is about it, but it just melts my heart to see him sit there and read his books. Just the innocence on his face alone melts me. And I also have always had this thing to where I love to watch Trenton's hands. I am not sure why, but I do. Something about watching him sit there and take his little fingers and turn pages, just does something for me. I don't just do this when he is reading either.. it's anything. Whether he is holding a pencil, eating with his fork, or just talking and using hand gestures while talking, I love to watch his hands. Just one of those things, I guess? :) I remember when he was first born, and after every thing was settled down and I finally got to look him over and stare at every little feature he consisted of, he reminded me so much of Derek. Those were actually the first words out of my mouth when I laid eyes on him. I said "oh my gosh, he looks just like Derek!" And not only did he favor Derek, his little hands were identical to Derek's, and still are.
I've always heard that a child knows when something is going on even if they can't see it happening. And that is something that I have always kept in mind when I have a bad day or something isn't going my way that is making me upset. No matter what, I always try to make sure that Trenton doesn't know anything is wrong. Until today, I have always been convinced that I was perfect at hiding how I truly felt to him. He must have known that I need some love today because he has done nothing but give me all of the love in the world tonight! He has been the absolute sweetest thing you've ever seen tonight! No matter what I have asked him to do, he has went straight to it and done it without me having to even think of asking twice, and without giving me any of his new found 8 yr old attitude that he sometimes wants to try me with. Luckily, he is a good kid and even when he is trying to be grown at the big age of 8, it still is no where near as bad as I see some kids act on a daily basis. For that, I really can't complain too much about it. But when he is sweet, they sure don't get any sweeter! Earlier this evening, he was running through the living room with his bedroom as his next destination, and as he ran through he said "I love you mommy!" I replied back with "I love you too baby" and no sooner than I said that, he looked at me with the biggest smile and said "you weren't expecting that were you? Did I make your heart smile?" After he said that, I literally sat here and thought to myself "you have no idea how big you make my heart smile." From that moment, my night has been one of the best I've had in a while. Who wouldn't be on cloud 9 after hearing your child say something so darn sweet? All of the loving, snuggling, and giggling he has given me tonight, I am now reminded of my reason for being. Without him, I am afraid to think of who and what I would be. He is the reason I am able to wear my heart on my sleeve, and watch my heart beat outside of my body. The reason I am able to love and know what true love is. The reason I understand the true definition of unconditional love. And the reason I strive to be a better person. He alone has helped me so much in the past month by him just existing. I was talking to a friend last week who himself is a new daddy, and I told him " I have one weakness in this world, and that is my son. I also have one strength in this world, and that is my son." He told me that I used the best use of words he had ever heard just then... and after thinking about what he had just said, I told him that it was not a good use of words. Just words spoken straight from my heart. And after I hung up the phone and was thinking about some of the stuff we had talked about, I then brought it to my own attention that everything I say about Trenton, and everything I think about Trenton, and everything I see in Trenton is always straight from my heart. I have never once been able to look at him and not get an overwhelming feeling of love take over my soul. And I have never once been able to talk about him and not get a sparkle in my eye. He truly is the light of my life! One that will never fade, never go dim.
Pick a fight and win it
After my venting session in my blog last night, and then being able to vent some emotions out to my sister in law this morning, I can honestly say that I feel like the biggest weight has been lifted off of my chest this morning. Compared to how I was feeling when I woke up this morning, I can actually see some hope of this being an "okay" day today. I dreamed about Derek again last night, and on top of dreaming about him, I also had a dream that Josie died. Definitely a thought that I didn't need on top of everything else going on in my mind, but luckily, it was just a dream. And as soon as I got up this morning, again, as soon as my feet hit the floor I started thinking about Derek and got myself upset. Thankfully, I was able to have a good talk with my sister in law and relieve some of the frustration and emotions I have running through my veins right now.
Yesterday, I checked the weather and it was calling for rain today and tomorrow.... After laying in bed last night and thinking about Derek, I told him that I needed the sun to come back. I explained to him that the sun does not fix my problems, and it doesn't fix the hurt I have, but it helps me to want to get out and about and enjoy the weather instead of just sitting at the house locked up by myself, thinking. After I got up this morning, I checked the weather to see what the temp was going to be today so I would know what kind of jacket to put on Trent, and I noticed that they are now saying the weather is going to be SUNNY and 50 degrees tomorrow. Once again, Derek heard me. When I seen this, even though I was upset and crying at the moment, I smiled. I smiled that he heard me. Smiled that he is still doing what he can for me. And smiled because I thought to myself, I know he is in good with the big guy because he has been able to pull some strings every time I have asked him. No matter who you are, or what you think, there is no way that feeling and thinking that way wouldn't automatically ease your heart in a small way. And that is exactly what it did for me when I thought that. It eased my heart. Just like he is taking care of me, I know that God is taking care of him.
Lately, I have been paranoid that people may be thinking I am crazy for the stuff that I believe to be Derek working his magical ways. As I was sitting here thinking this morning, I don't believe I am crazy. People may not get it and that is fine.. I used to not get it either. Never being in this situation before, and never having the heartache and loss like this, I never looked for the signs. If you never look for them, you will never see them. Now, I see them and I believe them. I don't care how crazy I sound, or how crazy people think I am, I know what I see and I know what I feel. And one day, when someone loses someone they love dearly, they too might just find themselves opening their eyes to a world of existence that you never really think about or grasp until something like this happens. Yes, I have always had faith in God and have always believed in Heaven and Hell. But with everything happening with Derek, it has brought out a faith in me that I never knew to exist so strongly in my heart before. Sure I prayed before but I pray all day every day now. Sure, I thought about what heaven would be like but I never looked to see the parts of heaven that exist around me. Before, I pictured heaven sitting on a blanket of clouds with huge golden gates... strange though I've never pictured a building one in my thoughts of heaven. And now that I think about it... wonder why? I picture the clouds that are the land, and the gates, and the people walking around, but never the buildings and exactly what these people would be doing. Now, I see it and believe it all to be wonderful, but nowhere near what my visions were before of it. When I think of Heaven, I picture my brother and what he would be doing. One day, I hope that I too end up in the same Heaven as him and am able be with him and do these things I picture him doing now with him. I am certain that he is going to lead me to the right paths in life to make sure I end up there with him in the end.
Why is it that I always tell myself I am going to be productive today, but my productiveness never starts until 2:00 pm it seems? I get up at 6:00 am in order to get Trenton up and ready for school, and if I myself don't have class, I just come home and sit here. I have all day to do whatever I want and work on whatever needs to be done but for some reason, I just don't do it. I know some people that say if they ever get up and get showered, they wont get any cleaning done around the house. I am the totally opposite. Until I am showered and dressed, make up done and hair in place, I will do nothing but sit and be a vegetable on the couch. And even though I know it takes me getting dressed to motivate me, I will still just sit here until whenever i HAVE to get dressed before thinking of doing so. Maybe that is something that I need to work on and change in my life. Start getting motivated earlier in the day and then I wont have time to just sit and think all of the time. And getting a lot more accomplished in my days I'm sure will automatically give me a better feeling of myself. Hmm.. definitely something I need to consider working on better!
Frappuccinos.. I am addicted. I could literally drink the cold starbucks vanilla frappuccino's from the gas station all day every day. They don't really even give me energy, but I indulge myself with the taste of them. I had seen them for years and would always pick my monster energy drinks over them because the color of them automatically made me think they would just taste like any other creamed coffee drink... like burnt chocolate milk. Then David was drinking one and talked me into trying it one day.. he actually had to force me to try it because I insisted that I didn't need to try it that I already knew I wouldn't like it, and ever since them I am hooked. The only drinks that I can manage to drink that are coffee are caramel frapps from starbucks. I love them! I have tried some other stuff there and although it wasn't awful, and being the price I paid for it, I made myself drink it and half way enjoy it, they still just don't taste right to me. A coffee drinker, I am not. Besides, I'm 5'0" tall... I cant afford to have anything stunting my growth anymore! ha! yes, i know I will never grow any taller, but I can claim that I never had my growth spurt and secretly hope that I am just a late bloomer in life and that it has a future of coming along, right? :)
Little Trenton Lane. What am I going to do with him? :) For one, he is just the sweetest of sweets you've ever seen and Secondly, he has a personality on him that most people strive to have all of their adult life let alone when they are 8 years old. And the little squirt is as sharp as a tack! He is in all of the advanced classes and makes a 100% on almost every test he takes.. and with that being said, why in the world does the little guy insist on just sitting there and not getting his work done at school? I can not for the life of me figure out what is going on with him. When his teachers call on him, he knows the answer every time. So its not like he doesn't know the work and is having trouble.. he just sits there and refuses to do it. Something is going to have to give though because for one, its driving me crazy because I know he has it in him to do better, and it also worries me about something possibly being on his mind. Here we have all been upset about Derek, and although Trenton is 8 and full of laughter, I wonder if it isn't bothering him more than he lets on? He talks about D, and says stuff that lets me know he hurts that D is gone, but naturally, you think being he is a kid, he is resilient. To be 8 years old, Trenton has suffered a lot of losses. When we still lived at home, my grandmother also came to live with us. During the 2 years she stayed with us, he got extremely close to her and when she passed away, he did have some issues with understanding it. Then 2 years later, he lost his Papa whom he loved and thought the world of, and now less than 2 years later, he has lost his Uncle D, whom he was also close to and crazy over. That's a lot of loss for someone to just be 8 years old. And Trenton isn't like most kids to begin with... things stay on his mind that most kids never think a thing about. I have to really watch what I watch on the news and stuff because it will bother him for days and sometimes weeks. And on top of losing so many people he loved, the poor little guy has been through so much in life in general. He's a trooper though! He knows how to hang in there, and still love with everything in him. For that, I am extremely proud. Hopefully, we can get this focusing at school problem taken care of, and figure out whats going on with him in order to get things back on track for him.
Last night in my blog I mentioned some issues with how I felt about some so called friends in my life.. today, I was reading a message someone sent me and I sat there and thought to myself that it is truly amazing how the people you least expect are the ones that do the most for your heart. Here you have these people you talk to everyday and see all the time and they do nothing but stress you out at the thought of them... then you have people you talk to online here and there and haven't seen in years, and they have a better understanding of you and what you need in life than the ones who are supposed to know. I have had a support team through all of this like you wouldn't believe! Some of these people have helped me so much they will never truly understand exactly what they have done for me. And realizing this just helped me to realize that my decision to eliminate some of the bad from my life is something i still agree whole hearted about and will do. Besides, if you fill your life up with nothing but bad, negative people, you don't have much room left for the good ones. No longer will these bad people take up the spaces intended for the good souls. I can guarantee you that! Whether or not I was ready for this new chapter in my life.. a chapter that has been more pain and suffering than I have ever known to exist, I am going to make the best of this new chapter. I am not going to waste time on insignificant people for it has been more than clearly brought to my attention, that you just don't ever know what can happen. And being you just don't ever know, with this new chapter, I am not going to let anyone or anything come in the way of me being me, and me being able to love being myself. For once, I am going to be selfish. For once, I am going to make this about me and my life. And for once, people will just have to get over it because regardless of what they try to say to me to change my mind, I am going to stand my ground and not back down. I am going to pick this fight and win it. Do exactly what Derek always told me to do. Pick a fight, and win it. And for him, I am, I am!!
Yesterday, I checked the weather and it was calling for rain today and tomorrow.... After laying in bed last night and thinking about Derek, I told him that I needed the sun to come back. I explained to him that the sun does not fix my problems, and it doesn't fix the hurt I have, but it helps me to want to get out and about and enjoy the weather instead of just sitting at the house locked up by myself, thinking. After I got up this morning, I checked the weather to see what the temp was going to be today so I would know what kind of jacket to put on Trent, and I noticed that they are now saying the weather is going to be SUNNY and 50 degrees tomorrow. Once again, Derek heard me. When I seen this, even though I was upset and crying at the moment, I smiled. I smiled that he heard me. Smiled that he is still doing what he can for me. And smiled because I thought to myself, I know he is in good with the big guy because he has been able to pull some strings every time I have asked him. No matter who you are, or what you think, there is no way that feeling and thinking that way wouldn't automatically ease your heart in a small way. And that is exactly what it did for me when I thought that. It eased my heart. Just like he is taking care of me, I know that God is taking care of him.
Lately, I have been paranoid that people may be thinking I am crazy for the stuff that I believe to be Derek working his magical ways. As I was sitting here thinking this morning, I don't believe I am crazy. People may not get it and that is fine.. I used to not get it either. Never being in this situation before, and never having the heartache and loss like this, I never looked for the signs. If you never look for them, you will never see them. Now, I see them and I believe them. I don't care how crazy I sound, or how crazy people think I am, I know what I see and I know what I feel. And one day, when someone loses someone they love dearly, they too might just find themselves opening their eyes to a world of existence that you never really think about or grasp until something like this happens. Yes, I have always had faith in God and have always believed in Heaven and Hell. But with everything happening with Derek, it has brought out a faith in me that I never knew to exist so strongly in my heart before. Sure I prayed before but I pray all day every day now. Sure, I thought about what heaven would be like but I never looked to see the parts of heaven that exist around me. Before, I pictured heaven sitting on a blanket of clouds with huge golden gates... strange though I've never pictured a building one in my thoughts of heaven. And now that I think about it... wonder why? I picture the clouds that are the land, and the gates, and the people walking around, but never the buildings and exactly what these people would be doing. Now, I see it and believe it all to be wonderful, but nowhere near what my visions were before of it. When I think of Heaven, I picture my brother and what he would be doing. One day, I hope that I too end up in the same Heaven as him and am able be with him and do these things I picture him doing now with him. I am certain that he is going to lead me to the right paths in life to make sure I end up there with him in the end.
Why is it that I always tell myself I am going to be productive today, but my productiveness never starts until 2:00 pm it seems? I get up at 6:00 am in order to get Trenton up and ready for school, and if I myself don't have class, I just come home and sit here. I have all day to do whatever I want and work on whatever needs to be done but for some reason, I just don't do it. I know some people that say if they ever get up and get showered, they wont get any cleaning done around the house. I am the totally opposite. Until I am showered and dressed, make up done and hair in place, I will do nothing but sit and be a vegetable on the couch. And even though I know it takes me getting dressed to motivate me, I will still just sit here until whenever i HAVE to get dressed before thinking of doing so. Maybe that is something that I need to work on and change in my life. Start getting motivated earlier in the day and then I wont have time to just sit and think all of the time. And getting a lot more accomplished in my days I'm sure will automatically give me a better feeling of myself. Hmm.. definitely something I need to consider working on better!
Frappuccinos.. I am addicted. I could literally drink the cold starbucks vanilla frappuccino's from the gas station all day every day. They don't really even give me energy, but I indulge myself with the taste of them. I had seen them for years and would always pick my monster energy drinks over them because the color of them automatically made me think they would just taste like any other creamed coffee drink... like burnt chocolate milk. Then David was drinking one and talked me into trying it one day.. he actually had to force me to try it because I insisted that I didn't need to try it that I already knew I wouldn't like it, and ever since them I am hooked. The only drinks that I can manage to drink that are coffee are caramel frapps from starbucks. I love them! I have tried some other stuff there and although it wasn't awful, and being the price I paid for it, I made myself drink it and half way enjoy it, they still just don't taste right to me. A coffee drinker, I am not. Besides, I'm 5'0" tall... I cant afford to have anything stunting my growth anymore! ha! yes, i know I will never grow any taller, but I can claim that I never had my growth spurt and secretly hope that I am just a late bloomer in life and that it has a future of coming along, right? :)
Little Trenton Lane. What am I going to do with him? :) For one, he is just the sweetest of sweets you've ever seen and Secondly, he has a personality on him that most people strive to have all of their adult life let alone when they are 8 years old. And the little squirt is as sharp as a tack! He is in all of the advanced classes and makes a 100% on almost every test he takes.. and with that being said, why in the world does the little guy insist on just sitting there and not getting his work done at school? I can not for the life of me figure out what is going on with him. When his teachers call on him, he knows the answer every time. So its not like he doesn't know the work and is having trouble.. he just sits there and refuses to do it. Something is going to have to give though because for one, its driving me crazy because I know he has it in him to do better, and it also worries me about something possibly being on his mind. Here we have all been upset about Derek, and although Trenton is 8 and full of laughter, I wonder if it isn't bothering him more than he lets on? He talks about D, and says stuff that lets me know he hurts that D is gone, but naturally, you think being he is a kid, he is resilient. To be 8 years old, Trenton has suffered a lot of losses. When we still lived at home, my grandmother also came to live with us. During the 2 years she stayed with us, he got extremely close to her and when she passed away, he did have some issues with understanding it. Then 2 years later, he lost his Papa whom he loved and thought the world of, and now less than 2 years later, he has lost his Uncle D, whom he was also close to and crazy over. That's a lot of loss for someone to just be 8 years old. And Trenton isn't like most kids to begin with... things stay on his mind that most kids never think a thing about. I have to really watch what I watch on the news and stuff because it will bother him for days and sometimes weeks. And on top of losing so many people he loved, the poor little guy has been through so much in life in general. He's a trooper though! He knows how to hang in there, and still love with everything in him. For that, I am extremely proud. Hopefully, we can get this focusing at school problem taken care of, and figure out whats going on with him in order to get things back on track for him.
Last night in my blog I mentioned some issues with how I felt about some so called friends in my life.. today, I was reading a message someone sent me and I sat there and thought to myself that it is truly amazing how the people you least expect are the ones that do the most for your heart. Here you have these people you talk to everyday and see all the time and they do nothing but stress you out at the thought of them... then you have people you talk to online here and there and haven't seen in years, and they have a better understanding of you and what you need in life than the ones who are supposed to know. I have had a support team through all of this like you wouldn't believe! Some of these people have helped me so much they will never truly understand exactly what they have done for me. And realizing this just helped me to realize that my decision to eliminate some of the bad from my life is something i still agree whole hearted about and will do. Besides, if you fill your life up with nothing but bad, negative people, you don't have much room left for the good ones. No longer will these bad people take up the spaces intended for the good souls. I can guarantee you that! Whether or not I was ready for this new chapter in my life.. a chapter that has been more pain and suffering than I have ever known to exist, I am going to make the best of this new chapter. I am not going to waste time on insignificant people for it has been more than clearly brought to my attention, that you just don't ever know what can happen. And being you just don't ever know, with this new chapter, I am not going to let anyone or anything come in the way of me being me, and me being able to love being myself. For once, I am going to be selfish. For once, I am going to make this about me and my life. And for once, people will just have to get over it because regardless of what they try to say to me to change my mind, I am going to stand my ground and not back down. I am going to pick this fight and win it. Do exactly what Derek always told me to do. Pick a fight, and win it. And for him, I am, I am!!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Mature Audiences Only :)
Warning! I am about to unleash the bitch in me...
First and foremost, I am sick and tired of ignorant people. I mean at the age of 30, I would honestly think that some type of sense would come to you. It's not as if your exactly a spring chick. My 8 yr old has more common sense and smarts than some adult people I know! And these people that are to the degree of being so ignorant, I would almost classify them as having a syndrome of some type, seem to think that it is everyone else in the world around them. Maybe I am crazy for thinking this, but it just seems to me that if you absolutely can not get along with anybody that you come into contact with, and every single person that knows you run their mouth about the type of person you are, it is you and not everyone else. Maybe if other people actually liked you and you just had a problem with one person, I may lean towards your side and believe that the other person just has an issue but being it is every single person that knows you, I do believe it is you. I know it is you. And on top of you just being an idiot in general, you really want to believe that you are something special. Being a liar, a thief, a user, and abuser does not make you special. It makes you sorry. Just because you are so conniving towards the people that actually try to be something to you does not mean that everyone else in the world thinks the same way. I know it may be hard for you to believe but the normal, functioning part of the world does not think, nor act the way you do! You think you have it all when you have no a pot to piss in. If it weren't for you scheming the world around you, you wouldn't have nothing. Not a bite to eat, not a roof over your head, and no gas to drive. Unfortunately, you see nothing wrong with your actions and that in fact is the reason that I am over people like you. You see nothing wrong with what you do, therefore you will never open up and even have a thought of changing. The only person that does have anything to do with you is the person that in fact depends on your antics themselves. And, you hate each other to top it off. You think running your mouth is going to break someone but the sad truth to the story is, you are already broken beyond repair. Nothing you say can fix the thoughts and realizations you have about yourself. You may act like you are big and tough and like you are so much better than someone else, but in fact, you know different. If you didn't know any different then you would not have the complexes that you have about yourself. You are so self conscious and insecure that you yourself make yourself crazy over the thought of not being what you wish you could be. But instead of doing like most people do when they don't like something, they change it, you would rather sit around and believe that you are too good to even think of changing anything about your life. Nobody is ever too good to change. And if you weren't on such a high horse about yourself all of the time, you might actually have some hope of being someone one day. You are worthless in more ways than I can begin to describe. You bring nothing to the table to anyone in your life and that is probably why you have nobody in your life to begin with. I used to feel sorry for you and think that nobody gave you a chance, I too realize why nobody gives you a chance. There is no such thing as a chance with you because you will take it and screw it up every time by thinking you are someone and something you can't even dream of being. You are the most conniving and vain person I have ever met in my life and boy, let me tell ya, I have met some!! Forever is a long time, and being lonely is even longer. I would hate to know that what you are is what you will be for the rest of your life. A lonely, bitter, cold soul is all that you are. There is no warmth in your heart, no sparkle in your eye. It is as if people are looking in the eyes of a dead man walking. You my dear, are the reason people like me lock our doors at night. The reason we watch our kids while they are outside playing. And the reason people like me strive to be a better person in life. To watch the way you act, if that doesn't open someones eyes up as to what they don't want to be like, then I don't know what would! You can keep riding into town on that high horse of yours, but one day that horse himself is going to get tired of the dead weight you are and kick you off. And when he does, I hope it breaks you. That is, if you don't mess with the wrong person before then and they break you. Good luck in life because I'm telling ya, you need all that you can get!!! And for the fact of the matter, regardless of how you act and what you do, I still pray that god will have mercy on your soul!
Okay- my ranting is over. Ignorant people really get under my skin. Especially right now. As if I don't have enough crap going on in my mind and in my head, I don't need someone else adding anything to my plate. They too will know what hurt is one day because for one, they can only hurt so many people until it comes back on them. yes, karma is a bitch. And I assume that when something does happen, they themselves will be looking to have a pity party and calling and wanting you to join in with them, and that will. not. happen. with me. There will be no need to call and expect me to sympathize for them because I have none for them. I am fresh out. The reason people's lives are the way they are is because they let them get that way and they themselves don't care enough for themselves to want to change and do anything about it. If someone cant care for them self, then how do they expect anyone else to care for them? If you have no respect for yourself, how do you expect anyone else to respect you? You cant. It doesn't happen and it wont happen. And when their world is falling apart, they just like everyone else will need someone to be there for them during that time. And when nobody is, they can do nothing but blame themselves for the situation they are in and facing alone. Even funnier part is when they want to try and bash you and throw stuff at you that totally makes no sense. You really want to compare what we have against each other? I really don't think that is the line you want to go down.... you have...well..lets see.. hmm... umm... a bad aura? Bravo! Way to go on that one big guy! And regardless of the fact about who has what... I could care less when it comes to materialistic things. I am surround by people that actually care about me and love me. They prove it to me everyday! And I have a great group of friends that you in fact know nothing about because they too would have nothing to do with you because of the things you do and the ways you are. The only person you have is the one using you and the one that your so jealous of, you wont let go even though you two hate each other. Not exactly what I would compare to other people to try and convince them they are just jealous of you!
Ok I lied- I obviously had a little bit more ranting to go on with! I am just at my Witt's end when it comes to people! If I can make it without my brother being here, and can make it without his companionship for the rest of my life, I can definitely make it without people that do nothing but try to drag you down in life. I am officially divorcing a few people in my life. Cutting all strings. Calling it closing time. I have been back on my weight gainer and gaining weight faster than you can imagine, and just like my clothes, I have outgrown some of the hurtful, unnecessary people in my life. And instead of holding onto these clothes thinking that just because I loved them so much when they fit, I hate to get rid of them, I will be tossing them straight out the door to never see again! Not sure if you caught it or not, but I am referring to people when I talk about hanging onto these clothes. These people I am tossing out of my life, and saying good riddance to. The person who has aggravated me to no end tonight knows to expect it, but there are a few others that have it coming that are definitely going to be blindsided by this move. My brother would be proud actually to know that some of these people are going to be gone. He told me how they were for years, and although he was always right about people before, I somehow manage to keep giving people chances over and over and over. No longer is this going to happen. I have my true friends that I know are there for me and I appreciate them more than I can ever begin to express or show them, and as to the rest of them... I dont see you most of the time, or talk to you, so for you to be gone, it will be no different in my life than it is now.
Yes, as you can tell I have had a very emotional day today. The rain and drear in the sky did not help me to be in a better mood by any means. Again, as soon as my feet hit the floor, all I could think about was my brother. I have cried just as hard as I did when I found out today... I keep thinking that as much as I have cried I would have no tears left.. it is official that your tears never run out. And it if official to me that the pain in my heart is never going to run out either. I don't like being an ugly acting person. I despise it. But right now, I am nothing but a ball of emotions to begin with. At times, I think I am going crazy and at others, I feel as if I am going to be make it through this half way decent. I guess it shows the ignorance of this person to think that they are going to run one over on me right now and me sit back and let it happen like I normally would. I'm the type to where I may not like something in life, but before I go off and start ranting and raving about it, I always consider it to myself on whether or not it is truly worth it or not. Is it worth the hours and days and possibly months of tension between me and this person for me to speak up and say what I think or is it something that if I just let it go, it will do just that. Let go and disappear. Today, no I could no longer sit back and let it happen. Most of the time, I never say anything and I guess that is why when I do get mad, I go off like a stick of dynamite lit on both ends. Derek always said I was a little firecracker. I remember talking to one of his friends on the phone one night after he had moved to CT and his friend had told me that Derek described me that way. When I laughed, his friend came up with a new analogy for me. He said I was like a shrew. A small little bitty animal that would tear and eat its way through anything that got in its way and made it mad. Derek and I used that phrase from there on out. Derek said it was the perfect description of me when I want something and someone tells me I cant do it or cant have it, and the perfect description of me when I am mad at the world. Although I have been full of raging emotions to the point I almost feel as if I am a teenager with raging hormones again, I have tried my best to keep a grip on these emotions. Although the sadness seems to take over and linger more than anything, I honestly do try to take it and hold it in. At times I feel like I am going to explode if I don't let it out, but when I feel that way, I can't help but think of Trenton and realize that he still has a mom that he loves and a mom that needs to take care of him the same way she always has. A mom that is always full of energy and laughs, and that loves to run around and be as free of a spirit as he himself is. I'm sure this past month has been hard on Trenton simply because for one he too misses his Uncle D, and also, for the fact that I have not been my normal self. Although I have kept a conscious effort in my mind of trying, I know that it is not the same as I usually am. I don't find myself smiling for no reason like I used to. Used to, I was always full of smiles. If something was happening that even thought it was going to take my smile away for the shortest of minutes, I made sure I found the positive in the situation and had it right back on my face. Almost a "screw you" to whatever bad was going on. There is nothing positive about any of the situation that has caused me to be so sad and not myself. I have tried to find it, but it does not exist. I have never missed someone so much that I literally have a physical pain in my heart. Never. people keep telling me that time heals all wounds, and I am finding that even harder to believe than ever. I have never been a believer of that, but I can't imagine how time can heal this wound. I am permanently scarred. My heart will never be whole again. It is always going to have that certain void in it no matter what else is good and happening to me. As much as I miss him right now, I don't see how time can heal that feeling. I am not going to be able to do anything except miss him even more through out the years. There is no hope of seeing him to fix it for a while.
I used to think people were crazy when they would go onto facebook and write everyday to people that they loved who had passed away.. I never understood it. I now see why they do it. I do it. Every single day I have to write something to Derek on his facebook. I am not sure if it lets me feel as if I am able to still talk to him, or if it is just my way of coping and dealing with this, but I do it everyday and have to everyday. On top of the facebook posts, I find myself talking to him daily. And while sitting wherever I am and talking to him, it is almost as if I never hung up the phone with him the last time we talked. I can hear what he would be saying to me, and whether he would be laughing or not. I may sound crazy, and could possibly already be on the verge of crazy if not crazy already, but it comforts me. Although I am sad, and miss him so much it hurts and am depressed over this, and this may really sound crazy, I feel closer than ever to him. I know he is around me. I can smell him at times. Hear him. Feel him. I know he is with me, and I know he is guiding me in the directions I need to go with all of this. And with that being said, I can only imagine that it is him finding ways to finally open my eyes to some of the people around me. As I mentioned earlier, he always had a way of pin pointing how people really are, and being the hard headed person I am, it takes a while for me to learn my lesson when it comes to it. Someone telling me isn't good enough, I have to find it out the hard way every time. Maybe me seeing these things about people and feeling this way about people is Derek helping to open my eyes and eliminate any possible hurt he sees happening in my future. He always wanted the best for me, and I believe that he still has my best at his best interest. It only makes sense that he is the one leading me to these decisions that it is time to let go of some people. It has to be him. Usually, I will get a feeling like this about a person but I am notorious for ignoring my "hunches". Right now, it just seems so very crystal clear to me and very acceptable to me to let these people go. And, I do believe instead of giving him a hard time like I used to about it, I am going to follow this instinct and trust that it is Derek leading me, and make him proud of the decisions I make in life from here on out. For the first time in my life, I feel as if I am too good for something. Too good to put up with people who do nothing but use me for one. I have never had the best self esteem in the world, and it killed Derek. He never could understand why, and for that matter, I honestly dont know why I was like that either. Luckily, I am no longer that way. I haven't been that way for a while. And it feels great to know that I believe in myself, and know that I actually deserve nothing but the best in life. It may have taken some trials and tribulations in life to get to this point and help me realize these things, but luckily I have been able to take these obstacles and help them turn me into the person I have always dreamed of being. I can honestly say that I am 100% satisfied with the person I am today, and what I have going for me and my family. I may not be 100% happy with my life right now in regards to everything with Derek, but at least I can be happy with myself and deal with this. I am sure it would be even harder to be a loss with myself and also trying to take all of this in at the same time.
Today I was just sitting around and thinking and I started thinking about my wedding day. Originally David and I were going to get married in 2011 instead of 2010... after a while, we decided to just go on and do it in 2010.. I do believe that everything happens for a reason in life even though I have been denying that statement for the past month because I can find no reason as to why Derek had to be the one taken....but as I was sitting and thinking about all of this today, I believe us doing it a year before happened for a reason. Had we not, Derek would have never gotten to see me get married and would not have been able to take part in one of the biggest days of my life. To know that he got to see it, and take part, I feel so fortunate. Of course nobody knew that anything like this would be happening now, but I am so thankful that something in us told us to go on and do it. An intuition? possibly. Who knows.
Since your eyes have probably crossed from reading this terribly long blog, and since I have done nothing but rant and rave for the first part, making myself probably look as childish and immature as the person I am referring to and you are probably thinking that, I will do you a favor and end this here for the night. Don't get me wrong, I could actually go on and on about some other stuff right now. As soon as I opened this blog while ago, my fingers started going and the words just started pouring out, so apparently this blog was a must for the night. Being I actually feel as if I could say more, do expect to see a new one in the morning on top of this one!
First and foremost, I am sick and tired of ignorant people. I mean at the age of 30, I would honestly think that some type of sense would come to you. It's not as if your exactly a spring chick. My 8 yr old has more common sense and smarts than some adult people I know! And these people that are to the degree of being so ignorant, I would almost classify them as having a syndrome of some type, seem to think that it is everyone else in the world around them. Maybe I am crazy for thinking this, but it just seems to me that if you absolutely can not get along with anybody that you come into contact with, and every single person that knows you run their mouth about the type of person you are, it is you and not everyone else. Maybe if other people actually liked you and you just had a problem with one person, I may lean towards your side and believe that the other person just has an issue but being it is every single person that knows you, I do believe it is you. I know it is you. And on top of you just being an idiot in general, you really want to believe that you are something special. Being a liar, a thief, a user, and abuser does not make you special. It makes you sorry. Just because you are so conniving towards the people that actually try to be something to you does not mean that everyone else in the world thinks the same way. I know it may be hard for you to believe but the normal, functioning part of the world does not think, nor act the way you do! You think you have it all when you have no a pot to piss in. If it weren't for you scheming the world around you, you wouldn't have nothing. Not a bite to eat, not a roof over your head, and no gas to drive. Unfortunately, you see nothing wrong with your actions and that in fact is the reason that I am over people like you. You see nothing wrong with what you do, therefore you will never open up and even have a thought of changing. The only person that does have anything to do with you is the person that in fact depends on your antics themselves. And, you hate each other to top it off. You think running your mouth is going to break someone but the sad truth to the story is, you are already broken beyond repair. Nothing you say can fix the thoughts and realizations you have about yourself. You may act like you are big and tough and like you are so much better than someone else, but in fact, you know different. If you didn't know any different then you would not have the complexes that you have about yourself. You are so self conscious and insecure that you yourself make yourself crazy over the thought of not being what you wish you could be. But instead of doing like most people do when they don't like something, they change it, you would rather sit around and believe that you are too good to even think of changing anything about your life. Nobody is ever too good to change. And if you weren't on such a high horse about yourself all of the time, you might actually have some hope of being someone one day. You are worthless in more ways than I can begin to describe. You bring nothing to the table to anyone in your life and that is probably why you have nobody in your life to begin with. I used to feel sorry for you and think that nobody gave you a chance, I too realize why nobody gives you a chance. There is no such thing as a chance with you because you will take it and screw it up every time by thinking you are someone and something you can't even dream of being. You are the most conniving and vain person I have ever met in my life and boy, let me tell ya, I have met some!! Forever is a long time, and being lonely is even longer. I would hate to know that what you are is what you will be for the rest of your life. A lonely, bitter, cold soul is all that you are. There is no warmth in your heart, no sparkle in your eye. It is as if people are looking in the eyes of a dead man walking. You my dear, are the reason people like me lock our doors at night. The reason we watch our kids while they are outside playing. And the reason people like me strive to be a better person in life. To watch the way you act, if that doesn't open someones eyes up as to what they don't want to be like, then I don't know what would! You can keep riding into town on that high horse of yours, but one day that horse himself is going to get tired of the dead weight you are and kick you off. And when he does, I hope it breaks you. That is, if you don't mess with the wrong person before then and they break you. Good luck in life because I'm telling ya, you need all that you can get!!! And for the fact of the matter, regardless of how you act and what you do, I still pray that god will have mercy on your soul!
Okay- my ranting is over. Ignorant people really get under my skin. Especially right now. As if I don't have enough crap going on in my mind and in my head, I don't need someone else adding anything to my plate. They too will know what hurt is one day because for one, they can only hurt so many people until it comes back on them. yes, karma is a bitch. And I assume that when something does happen, they themselves will be looking to have a pity party and calling and wanting you to join in with them, and that will. not. happen. with me. There will be no need to call and expect me to sympathize for them because I have none for them. I am fresh out. The reason people's lives are the way they are is because they let them get that way and they themselves don't care enough for themselves to want to change and do anything about it. If someone cant care for them self, then how do they expect anyone else to care for them? If you have no respect for yourself, how do you expect anyone else to respect you? You cant. It doesn't happen and it wont happen. And when their world is falling apart, they just like everyone else will need someone to be there for them during that time. And when nobody is, they can do nothing but blame themselves for the situation they are in and facing alone. Even funnier part is when they want to try and bash you and throw stuff at you that totally makes no sense. You really want to compare what we have against each other? I really don't think that is the line you want to go down.... you have...well..lets see.. hmm... umm... a bad aura? Bravo! Way to go on that one big guy! And regardless of the fact about who has what... I could care less when it comes to materialistic things. I am surround by people that actually care about me and love me. They prove it to me everyday! And I have a great group of friends that you in fact know nothing about because they too would have nothing to do with you because of the things you do and the ways you are. The only person you have is the one using you and the one that your so jealous of, you wont let go even though you two hate each other. Not exactly what I would compare to other people to try and convince them they are just jealous of you!
Ok I lied- I obviously had a little bit more ranting to go on with! I am just at my Witt's end when it comes to people! If I can make it without my brother being here, and can make it without his companionship for the rest of my life, I can definitely make it without people that do nothing but try to drag you down in life. I am officially divorcing a few people in my life. Cutting all strings. Calling it closing time. I have been back on my weight gainer and gaining weight faster than you can imagine, and just like my clothes, I have outgrown some of the hurtful, unnecessary people in my life. And instead of holding onto these clothes thinking that just because I loved them so much when they fit, I hate to get rid of them, I will be tossing them straight out the door to never see again! Not sure if you caught it or not, but I am referring to people when I talk about hanging onto these clothes. These people I am tossing out of my life, and saying good riddance to. The person who has aggravated me to no end tonight knows to expect it, but there are a few others that have it coming that are definitely going to be blindsided by this move. My brother would be proud actually to know that some of these people are going to be gone. He told me how they were for years, and although he was always right about people before, I somehow manage to keep giving people chances over and over and over. No longer is this going to happen. I have my true friends that I know are there for me and I appreciate them more than I can ever begin to express or show them, and as to the rest of them... I dont see you most of the time, or talk to you, so for you to be gone, it will be no different in my life than it is now.
Yes, as you can tell I have had a very emotional day today. The rain and drear in the sky did not help me to be in a better mood by any means. Again, as soon as my feet hit the floor, all I could think about was my brother. I have cried just as hard as I did when I found out today... I keep thinking that as much as I have cried I would have no tears left.. it is official that your tears never run out. And it if official to me that the pain in my heart is never going to run out either. I don't like being an ugly acting person. I despise it. But right now, I am nothing but a ball of emotions to begin with. At times, I think I am going crazy and at others, I feel as if I am going to be make it through this half way decent. I guess it shows the ignorance of this person to think that they are going to run one over on me right now and me sit back and let it happen like I normally would. I'm the type to where I may not like something in life, but before I go off and start ranting and raving about it, I always consider it to myself on whether or not it is truly worth it or not. Is it worth the hours and days and possibly months of tension between me and this person for me to speak up and say what I think or is it something that if I just let it go, it will do just that. Let go and disappear. Today, no I could no longer sit back and let it happen. Most of the time, I never say anything and I guess that is why when I do get mad, I go off like a stick of dynamite lit on both ends. Derek always said I was a little firecracker. I remember talking to one of his friends on the phone one night after he had moved to CT and his friend had told me that Derek described me that way. When I laughed, his friend came up with a new analogy for me. He said I was like a shrew. A small little bitty animal that would tear and eat its way through anything that got in its way and made it mad. Derek and I used that phrase from there on out. Derek said it was the perfect description of me when I want something and someone tells me I cant do it or cant have it, and the perfect description of me when I am mad at the world. Although I have been full of raging emotions to the point I almost feel as if I am a teenager with raging hormones again, I have tried my best to keep a grip on these emotions. Although the sadness seems to take over and linger more than anything, I honestly do try to take it and hold it in. At times I feel like I am going to explode if I don't let it out, but when I feel that way, I can't help but think of Trenton and realize that he still has a mom that he loves and a mom that needs to take care of him the same way she always has. A mom that is always full of energy and laughs, and that loves to run around and be as free of a spirit as he himself is. I'm sure this past month has been hard on Trenton simply because for one he too misses his Uncle D, and also, for the fact that I have not been my normal self. Although I have kept a conscious effort in my mind of trying, I know that it is not the same as I usually am. I don't find myself smiling for no reason like I used to. Used to, I was always full of smiles. If something was happening that even thought it was going to take my smile away for the shortest of minutes, I made sure I found the positive in the situation and had it right back on my face. Almost a "screw you" to whatever bad was going on. There is nothing positive about any of the situation that has caused me to be so sad and not myself. I have tried to find it, but it does not exist. I have never missed someone so much that I literally have a physical pain in my heart. Never. people keep telling me that time heals all wounds, and I am finding that even harder to believe than ever. I have never been a believer of that, but I can't imagine how time can heal this wound. I am permanently scarred. My heart will never be whole again. It is always going to have that certain void in it no matter what else is good and happening to me. As much as I miss him right now, I don't see how time can heal that feeling. I am not going to be able to do anything except miss him even more through out the years. There is no hope of seeing him to fix it for a while.
I used to think people were crazy when they would go onto facebook and write everyday to people that they loved who had passed away.. I never understood it. I now see why they do it. I do it. Every single day I have to write something to Derek on his facebook. I am not sure if it lets me feel as if I am able to still talk to him, or if it is just my way of coping and dealing with this, but I do it everyday and have to everyday. On top of the facebook posts, I find myself talking to him daily. And while sitting wherever I am and talking to him, it is almost as if I never hung up the phone with him the last time we talked. I can hear what he would be saying to me, and whether he would be laughing or not. I may sound crazy, and could possibly already be on the verge of crazy if not crazy already, but it comforts me. Although I am sad, and miss him so much it hurts and am depressed over this, and this may really sound crazy, I feel closer than ever to him. I know he is around me. I can smell him at times. Hear him. Feel him. I know he is with me, and I know he is guiding me in the directions I need to go with all of this. And with that being said, I can only imagine that it is him finding ways to finally open my eyes to some of the people around me. As I mentioned earlier, he always had a way of pin pointing how people really are, and being the hard headed person I am, it takes a while for me to learn my lesson when it comes to it. Someone telling me isn't good enough, I have to find it out the hard way every time. Maybe me seeing these things about people and feeling this way about people is Derek helping to open my eyes and eliminate any possible hurt he sees happening in my future. He always wanted the best for me, and I believe that he still has my best at his best interest. It only makes sense that he is the one leading me to these decisions that it is time to let go of some people. It has to be him. Usually, I will get a feeling like this about a person but I am notorious for ignoring my "hunches". Right now, it just seems so very crystal clear to me and very acceptable to me to let these people go. And, I do believe instead of giving him a hard time like I used to about it, I am going to follow this instinct and trust that it is Derek leading me, and make him proud of the decisions I make in life from here on out. For the first time in my life, I feel as if I am too good for something. Too good to put up with people who do nothing but use me for one. I have never had the best self esteem in the world, and it killed Derek. He never could understand why, and for that matter, I honestly dont know why I was like that either. Luckily, I am no longer that way. I haven't been that way for a while. And it feels great to know that I believe in myself, and know that I actually deserve nothing but the best in life. It may have taken some trials and tribulations in life to get to this point and help me realize these things, but luckily I have been able to take these obstacles and help them turn me into the person I have always dreamed of being. I can honestly say that I am 100% satisfied with the person I am today, and what I have going for me and my family. I may not be 100% happy with my life right now in regards to everything with Derek, but at least I can be happy with myself and deal with this. I am sure it would be even harder to be a loss with myself and also trying to take all of this in at the same time.
Today I was just sitting around and thinking and I started thinking about my wedding day. Originally David and I were going to get married in 2011 instead of 2010... after a while, we decided to just go on and do it in 2010.. I do believe that everything happens for a reason in life even though I have been denying that statement for the past month because I can find no reason as to why Derek had to be the one taken....but as I was sitting and thinking about all of this today, I believe us doing it a year before happened for a reason. Had we not, Derek would have never gotten to see me get married and would not have been able to take part in one of the biggest days of my life. To know that he got to see it, and take part, I feel so fortunate. Of course nobody knew that anything like this would be happening now, but I am so thankful that something in us told us to go on and do it. An intuition? possibly. Who knows.
Since your eyes have probably crossed from reading this terribly long blog, and since I have done nothing but rant and rave for the first part, making myself probably look as childish and immature as the person I am referring to and you are probably thinking that, I will do you a favor and end this here for the night. Don't get me wrong, I could actually go on and on about some other stuff right now. As soon as I opened this blog while ago, my fingers started going and the words just started pouring out, so apparently this blog was a must for the night. Being I actually feel as if I could say more, do expect to see a new one in the morning on top of this one!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Decent flowers, sparkly ruffles
David is at work, and Trenton at school so what else would there be for me to do other than take a minute to blog? :) And again, I am at a stand point in my mind to where I feel like I have so much to say, yet nothing to say at the same time. I am really hoping that this feeling is going to ease pretty soon... it's confusing and almost has me to the point that I wonder if I am going crazy? See, that is the thing with being crazy... when people are crazy, they don't realize they are. To them they are normal and whatever is going on in their mind will calm down within time... same thing I think right now. So technically, I could already be crazy and just not know it.. lol I know I am not quite there yet, but it is something that has crossed my mind for sure!
Yesterday. What a day! David was off of work, and being I am on spring break this week from school, we got to spend some time together... We went to BG in order for David to go to his Dr. appt, and while down there, I managed to talk David into going to the Mighty Dollar with me. :) I love the mighty dollar and dollar tree! David thinks its all junk and says there is no point in going to the "everything is $1 store" if you're going to spend at least $25 every time. He does have a point! Going to the mighty dollar is one of those hit or miss deals... sometimes you find something and others you find nothing. Yesterday, didn't find as much as I usually do but I did get some Easter basket stuffers for Trenton's Easter basket along with the stuff needed to make his goody bags for his Easter party at school. I love making goody bags for his school parties! Buying chips and so forth just isn't enough interaction with it for me so I always sign up for the goody bag list! When I was little all I ever wanted was for my mom to be at the classroom parties and for us to bring all the goodies that the other kids and their moms brought, but being mom was at work during the day, she never got to attend any of them. So since having Trenton, I have been the classroom party mom! I have not missed a party one, and never missed making my famous goody bags! Something I am very proud of considering Trenton may only be in the 2nd grade but if you factor in 2 years of preschool, and kindergarten, then I have been on my "a" game with the parties. I love it! I love going and finding the perfect little bags to stuff full with all the neatest junk gadgets you can find. And more often than not, I don't just stop with the goody bags. I always try to find something creative that I actually have to make to send with him. Last Halloween I came up with the idea of taking plastic gloves (the ones like fast food restaurants use), and stuffing them full of popcorn, and tieing it off and then adding cut out pieces of construction paper to glue to the ends of the fingertips to make it look like nails. They turned out cute as a button! And they looked just like big ole' monster hands which was the idea being it was Halloween! Everyone had a fit over them, so I do believe the popcorn monster hands will be a definite must until Trenton's childhood Halloween parties come to an end. Now, with Easter coming up, I already have me wheels turning to come up with something. I do believe I am going to take Easter eggs and glue the basket stuffer grass in them, and then take a Chick and and itty bitty wee little chick and glue them in there and it will be a little egg that you open with a little chick family in it to add along with the goody bags. Whatever I make, it will have something to do with the little fuzzy chicks I found because they are just the cutest things you've ever seen! No way will I not be able to use those little guys on something! :)
Now onto yesterday... after spending an hour in the mighty dollar and being very proud on how patient David was about me walking up and down each and every aisle looking at everything, we went over to the mall for me to return a shirt I had gotten a little while back and decided I didn't like it enough to keep. While there, I found the CUTEST shirts for $4.99!! Aww they are so pretty! Straps on them even have sparklies and everything! For a while it seemed as if I just couldn't get into the fashion statements at the time... it got a little too loose and floofy, and the rest were too short and too tight for me to like there for a while. But, being I love ruffles, bows, and flowers.... the style right now is right up my alley! I get tickled at David because every time I ask him how I look, or if a shirt looks okay, His response is "It's definitely you with all the little ruffles on it" He knows me too well! A girly girl I am! So now that the fashion is all about rosettes, ruffles, lace, and pretty colors, I am having no problem finding clothes I love! I joke all the time that when I get old I will be one of those old women with 10lbs of jewelry on and the bedazzled sweatshirts with the sparkles. And David agrees and says that is what he fears most! lol Hopefully I wont take it to the extreme that I imagine in my head and be tacky about it... but the way I love it, I have a pretty good hunch that if it isn't tacky, it will definitely be borderline tacky. Oh well, who cares? We shall just wait and see when the time comes I guess!
After finding my steal on sparklie shirts for $4.99, David and I were headed to the food court to chow down on some Bourbon Chicken and as we were passing New York & Company, something caught my attention in the window. There it hung, as pretty as could be. A coral purse with rosettes on it! For one, I LOVE coral. Second, I love cute purses. And third, I love rosettes on anything. And finally, It was the perfect style and size! So needless to say, I had to go in and check the price out and daydream about it for a minute and before I could even say "Okay, lets go. Just wanted to look at it", David had it in his hand and was standing at the counter ready to pay for it. Being he had just bought me some new shirts, I tried to tell him that I didn't want the purse and if I did, I would just come back another time to get it but he wouldn't have it. He insisted that he was buying me the purse.. and after standing there and trying to convince him it was okay and to not worry about it, he told me "Kacie, you like the purse. I seen it in your eye when you came in to look at it. If you didn't like it you wouldn't have stopped to see how much it was. I like for you to have things you like and want, and I think you deserve it" Amazing how something so simple can make me feel so good.. Just the fact that he thought I deserved it made me feel special. Although I am not quite sure why he feels that I deserved it... I haven't done anything extraordinaire to begin to think I "deserved" it, but it meant a lot to me. And now, I officially have my new purse stuffed with all the goods that I find to be a necessity no matter where I go, and I LOVE it! I can't wait until I get to show it off! Plus, spring is right around the corner and I have a bright, pretty, frilly purse to celebrate the sun with! And gosh, I can't wait for spring to get here! I have always loved summer but usually the winter isn't too bad on me. I love toboggans and scarves and all of the winter boots and clothes so usually by the time October rolls around, I am ready for some cool weather. But this year has been awful! Every year I hope and pray for snow days so that Trenton and I get some extra time just the two of us and so Trenton can go outside and play in the snow, and although I enjoyed all of my snow days with him this year, I am so over this cold weather! I am to the point that I need the sun in my life to remind me that there is a brighter side of the world that I am having trouble seeing right now. I've talked to Derek and asked him to bring me some sun so that I can get out of the house and try to enjoy a day, and he has every time. He hears me. He shows me that he does.
And after my one on one time with David yesterday, I was eager to get my hands on my little Trenton! Being the school is making up for all of the snow days this year, they are making the kids go to school for 45 mins longer every day and I didn't think 3:10 was going to get here soon enough yesterday! And after picking him up, he was in the best mood. We laughed and talked and had the best time with each other. No matter what is going on, that little boy just has a way of fixing it all. I think if you asked any mother, they would claim they are the luckiest in the world to have their children, but I believe I have them beat! ;) Derek was always so proud of Trenton... which Trenton and I talk about Uncle D a lot, and I assure him that D sees him and is watching over him, and that he will still be proud of him just the same as he was when he was here. It breaks my heart that Trenton never got to take his trip alone to see D. Derek wanted Trenton to fly up to see him by himself this summer and spend the week there, just the 2 of them. Of course Mom was freaking at the thought of Trenton getting on a plane by himself, but had accepted the thought of it when I explained to her that they would have someone with him at all times. And when the idea was brought up to Trenton, he informed me that he was spending the entire summer with D. Naturally, Derek got a kick out of that! I just wish that he had been able to have that adventure with Derek.. it breaks me heart to know that he won't get to now. Breaks my heart to think that he will never get to experience more things with Derek as he gets older, and that he no longer has an uncle around that loves him more than anything. But at least Trenton is at the age to where he will remember Derek and never forget him. I couldn't imagine how it would feel if Trenton was younger and would not remember him and only know what you told him. I don't understand how you can even begin to describe someone like Derek to someone that doesn't know him, and expect them to actually "get" what kind of a guy he was. Luckily, Trenton will know and "get" it and that is something that nobody will ever be able to take away from him.
Although I had a good day yesterday, when it came time for bed last night, I got upset. Every time I closed my eyes I saw Derek. And when I actually did doze off, it seems like all I did was dream about him all night. Although the dreams make me sad, I feel lucky that he is coming to me in my sleep. At least I have a few minutes of interacting with him again and feeling like he is there.. and get the feeling of hugging him and hearing him again. And between dreaming and waking up every 45 minutes, I layed there and felt guilty that I had actually had a decent day. It's weird because I feel so bad that I let someone occupy my mind other than Derek. It makes me feel like I have betrayed him or something... I'm not sure how to explain this feeling exactly but it's one I get and don't like. And although I lay there and feel guilty at this thought, at the same time I think that its Derek working his ways to help me through it. I have asked him to help me cope and deal with this and to let me know I am going to be okay.... maybe my decent day has something to do with that? Maybe it is him helping make these good days come in order to let me know I can still smile, breathe, and live. But if I feel like Derek is helping this happen, then why do I feel guilty for doing it? I obviously have some issues I need to get a grip on and work out within myself... until then, I will continue to look at God and Derek and trust that they know what they are doing with me. I don't think either of them would do anything intentionally to me that I can't handle. They may push me to be a better, stronger person, but that is nothing out of the ordinary when it comes between me and Derek. And for him, I am going to make sure I reassure him on what I am made of. I will make him proud!
This blog was a lot of random thoughts today... sorry if I have your mind turning and twisting the same as mine now, but at least I had something positive to talk about in this one. That's a new start right? I had a good day, and it may be a month before the next, but at least I know there is hope of one in the future, and that they do still exist.
Yesterday. What a day! David was off of work, and being I am on spring break this week from school, we got to spend some time together... We went to BG in order for David to go to his Dr. appt, and while down there, I managed to talk David into going to the Mighty Dollar with me. :) I love the mighty dollar and dollar tree! David thinks its all junk and says there is no point in going to the "everything is $1 store" if you're going to spend at least $25 every time. He does have a point! Going to the mighty dollar is one of those hit or miss deals... sometimes you find something and others you find nothing. Yesterday, didn't find as much as I usually do but I did get some Easter basket stuffers for Trenton's Easter basket along with the stuff needed to make his goody bags for his Easter party at school. I love making goody bags for his school parties! Buying chips and so forth just isn't enough interaction with it for me so I always sign up for the goody bag list! When I was little all I ever wanted was for my mom to be at the classroom parties and for us to bring all the goodies that the other kids and their moms brought, but being mom was at work during the day, she never got to attend any of them. So since having Trenton, I have been the classroom party mom! I have not missed a party one, and never missed making my famous goody bags! Something I am very proud of considering Trenton may only be in the 2nd grade but if you factor in 2 years of preschool, and kindergarten, then I have been on my "a" game with the parties. I love it! I love going and finding the perfect little bags to stuff full with all the neatest junk gadgets you can find. And more often than not, I don't just stop with the goody bags. I always try to find something creative that I actually have to make to send with him. Last Halloween I came up with the idea of taking plastic gloves (the ones like fast food restaurants use), and stuffing them full of popcorn, and tieing it off and then adding cut out pieces of construction paper to glue to the ends of the fingertips to make it look like nails. They turned out cute as a button! And they looked just like big ole' monster hands which was the idea being it was Halloween! Everyone had a fit over them, so I do believe the popcorn monster hands will be a definite must until Trenton's childhood Halloween parties come to an end. Now, with Easter coming up, I already have me wheels turning to come up with something. I do believe I am going to take Easter eggs and glue the basket stuffer grass in them, and then take a Chick and and itty bitty wee little chick and glue them in there and it will be a little egg that you open with a little chick family in it to add along with the goody bags. Whatever I make, it will have something to do with the little fuzzy chicks I found because they are just the cutest things you've ever seen! No way will I not be able to use those little guys on something! :)
Now onto yesterday... after spending an hour in the mighty dollar and being very proud on how patient David was about me walking up and down each and every aisle looking at everything, we went over to the mall for me to return a shirt I had gotten a little while back and decided I didn't like it enough to keep. While there, I found the CUTEST shirts for $4.99!! Aww they are so pretty! Straps on them even have sparklies and everything! For a while it seemed as if I just couldn't get into the fashion statements at the time... it got a little too loose and floofy, and the rest were too short and too tight for me to like there for a while. But, being I love ruffles, bows, and flowers.... the style right now is right up my alley! I get tickled at David because every time I ask him how I look, or if a shirt looks okay, His response is "It's definitely you with all the little ruffles on it" He knows me too well! A girly girl I am! So now that the fashion is all about rosettes, ruffles, lace, and pretty colors, I am having no problem finding clothes I love! I joke all the time that when I get old I will be one of those old women with 10lbs of jewelry on and the bedazzled sweatshirts with the sparkles. And David agrees and says that is what he fears most! lol Hopefully I wont take it to the extreme that I imagine in my head and be tacky about it... but the way I love it, I have a pretty good hunch that if it isn't tacky, it will definitely be borderline tacky. Oh well, who cares? We shall just wait and see when the time comes I guess!
After finding my steal on sparklie shirts for $4.99, David and I were headed to the food court to chow down on some Bourbon Chicken and as we were passing New York & Company, something caught my attention in the window. There it hung, as pretty as could be. A coral purse with rosettes on it! For one, I LOVE coral. Second, I love cute purses. And third, I love rosettes on anything. And finally, It was the perfect style and size! So needless to say, I had to go in and check the price out and daydream about it for a minute and before I could even say "Okay, lets go. Just wanted to look at it", David had it in his hand and was standing at the counter ready to pay for it. Being he had just bought me some new shirts, I tried to tell him that I didn't want the purse and if I did, I would just come back another time to get it but he wouldn't have it. He insisted that he was buying me the purse.. and after standing there and trying to convince him it was okay and to not worry about it, he told me "Kacie, you like the purse. I seen it in your eye when you came in to look at it. If you didn't like it you wouldn't have stopped to see how much it was. I like for you to have things you like and want, and I think you deserve it" Amazing how something so simple can make me feel so good.. Just the fact that he thought I deserved it made me feel special. Although I am not quite sure why he feels that I deserved it... I haven't done anything extraordinaire to begin to think I "deserved" it, but it meant a lot to me. And now, I officially have my new purse stuffed with all the goods that I find to be a necessity no matter where I go, and I LOVE it! I can't wait until I get to show it off! Plus, spring is right around the corner and I have a bright, pretty, frilly purse to celebrate the sun with! And gosh, I can't wait for spring to get here! I have always loved summer but usually the winter isn't too bad on me. I love toboggans and scarves and all of the winter boots and clothes so usually by the time October rolls around, I am ready for some cool weather. But this year has been awful! Every year I hope and pray for snow days so that Trenton and I get some extra time just the two of us and so Trenton can go outside and play in the snow, and although I enjoyed all of my snow days with him this year, I am so over this cold weather! I am to the point that I need the sun in my life to remind me that there is a brighter side of the world that I am having trouble seeing right now. I've talked to Derek and asked him to bring me some sun so that I can get out of the house and try to enjoy a day, and he has every time. He hears me. He shows me that he does.
And after my one on one time with David yesterday, I was eager to get my hands on my little Trenton! Being the school is making up for all of the snow days this year, they are making the kids go to school for 45 mins longer every day and I didn't think 3:10 was going to get here soon enough yesterday! And after picking him up, he was in the best mood. We laughed and talked and had the best time with each other. No matter what is going on, that little boy just has a way of fixing it all. I think if you asked any mother, they would claim they are the luckiest in the world to have their children, but I believe I have them beat! ;) Derek was always so proud of Trenton... which Trenton and I talk about Uncle D a lot, and I assure him that D sees him and is watching over him, and that he will still be proud of him just the same as he was when he was here. It breaks my heart that Trenton never got to take his trip alone to see D. Derek wanted Trenton to fly up to see him by himself this summer and spend the week there, just the 2 of them. Of course Mom was freaking at the thought of Trenton getting on a plane by himself, but had accepted the thought of it when I explained to her that they would have someone with him at all times. And when the idea was brought up to Trenton, he informed me that he was spending the entire summer with D. Naturally, Derek got a kick out of that! I just wish that he had been able to have that adventure with Derek.. it breaks me heart to know that he won't get to now. Breaks my heart to think that he will never get to experience more things with Derek as he gets older, and that he no longer has an uncle around that loves him more than anything. But at least Trenton is at the age to where he will remember Derek and never forget him. I couldn't imagine how it would feel if Trenton was younger and would not remember him and only know what you told him. I don't understand how you can even begin to describe someone like Derek to someone that doesn't know him, and expect them to actually "get" what kind of a guy he was. Luckily, Trenton will know and "get" it and that is something that nobody will ever be able to take away from him.
Although I had a good day yesterday, when it came time for bed last night, I got upset. Every time I closed my eyes I saw Derek. And when I actually did doze off, it seems like all I did was dream about him all night. Although the dreams make me sad, I feel lucky that he is coming to me in my sleep. At least I have a few minutes of interacting with him again and feeling like he is there.. and get the feeling of hugging him and hearing him again. And between dreaming and waking up every 45 minutes, I layed there and felt guilty that I had actually had a decent day. It's weird because I feel so bad that I let someone occupy my mind other than Derek. It makes me feel like I have betrayed him or something... I'm not sure how to explain this feeling exactly but it's one I get and don't like. And although I lay there and feel guilty at this thought, at the same time I think that its Derek working his ways to help me through it. I have asked him to help me cope and deal with this and to let me know I am going to be okay.... maybe my decent day has something to do with that? Maybe it is him helping make these good days come in order to let me know I can still smile, breathe, and live. But if I feel like Derek is helping this happen, then why do I feel guilty for doing it? I obviously have some issues I need to get a grip on and work out within myself... until then, I will continue to look at God and Derek and trust that they know what they are doing with me. I don't think either of them would do anything intentionally to me that I can't handle. They may push me to be a better, stronger person, but that is nothing out of the ordinary when it comes between me and Derek. And for him, I am going to make sure I reassure him on what I am made of. I will make him proud!
This blog was a lot of random thoughts today... sorry if I have your mind turning and twisting the same as mine now, but at least I had something positive to talk about in this one. That's a new start right? I had a good day, and it may be a month before the next, but at least I know there is hope of one in the future, and that they do still exist.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Dear Derek
To my dearest Brother,
As you have seen every day for the past month, I am sad. I am sadder than I have ever known to be possible and I am lonelier feeling that I have ever dreamed of knowing. I have people around me that care, yes, but regardless, none of them make up for not having you. People keep telling me that it will get easier over time, and honestly, I am not so sure of that. I can't begin to imagine how any of this will ever be considered easy to my mind and soul. It's not easy not having you to call, to hear. It's not easy not having your quick witted jokes and laughter. It's not easy accepting that all I have left of you are the memories we made together and that there will be no more to add in the years to come. I believe that it is easier to convince myself that this is all a bad dream that I will wake up from one day than it is to believe that this is the truth to my life and it is a real nightmare that I will never wake from. Although I talked to you every day nearly, I feel as if it wasn't enough. I know that you already know, but I still talk to you every day. You always guided me in life and I believe that you are still there and doing just that. You may not be able to come out and tell me what you think should be done, or what you think would be best for me, but I feel as if you are going to guide me and show me what you feel and think about it and lead me to what is in the best interest of me according to your eyes. I sit and wonder how I am going to be able to deal with the obstacles life throws at me without having you to remind me of who I truly am, and reminding me of what good I bring to everyone around me without even knowing it, and of course reminding me of what we were raised to do in certain situations. When people think of being raised, they envision their parents teaching them. When I think of it, I think of you. You were the one who taught me everything I know, and the one who guided me through every day life. Whether it be you picking me up and placing me on the first step of the school bus because I was too short to step up on it by myself at 5 yrs old, or you coming home from school and always cooking me my afternoon snacks of canned chicken and dumplings. Speaking of which, remember the time you were trying to open the can of chicken and dumplings and some how managed to nearly cut the end of your finger off on the top to the can? I remember running and grabbing the toilet paper roll and you having your whole arm wrapped in a make shift ace bandage when mom came in that evening. I remember sitting in your room listening to music through your big old school headphones and you having to remind me that just because I couldn't hear myself talking, I didn't have to yell. :) Me being me and always into mischief, I remember running to your room to hide behind your bed when I was about to get a swat from the switch I myself had to pick out for my own spanking. You would stand there and refuse to let mom or dad into the room to me. Then when mom and dad got divorced, you became more than my brother. That is when you truly became my protector in life and the person I looked to for comfort. Regardless of how you felt, you made sure that I was the main priority in your life. You made sure that I knew everything was going to okay whether or not you ever truly felt it at the time or not. Since we had gotten older you had expressed to me how proud you were of me in life and how you were so proud of who and what I had become considering the circumstances I had been thrown at certain times in life. I told you then, but I have really thought about it a lot more in the past few weeks and I have to say with everything in me that it is because of you, I am who I am. You were the one teaching me the common sense of the streets, the morals of having a true heart, what a friend is and should be, and most importantly, the true definition of what unconditional love is. You have told me how proud you are of the mother I am to Trenton, but I can not take the full credit on it myself. You are the one who taught me to love with everything I have in me. To not just love parts of people but to love that person as a whole. Regardless of what someone ever did, you always found a way to see past it and to see what that person was truly made of. Something I always admired you for. Having you to talk to and be the one to lead me through life, I always had you to remind me of what life was truly about. Passion and love. Not the money, or the status of someone. Now, I have to try and figure out how to still find the beauty in the world around me without you here to remind me it exists. I am not quite sure on how or if I will for sure find a way to do this, but I know that you will find a way to make me see it. Whether it be the daffodils and daisies I love so much blooming early, or a beautiful day to free my spirit, I know that it is going to be a part of you making it happen for me. I know that you still know what I need in life and I know that you will help make it happen for me. To say that I believe this with everything in me does help me, but I can't lie to you and say that it makes any of this any easier on me. I would rather you be here to tell me what you feel and think rather than me having to guess and wait for a sign from you. I guess I am selfish. Apparently...considering the fact that at this point in time I should just be grateful to know in my heart that you are still with me. Some people are never able to accept the thought that their loved ones still embark the journey of life with them every day.... I am not sure how they can manage to convince themselves of this not being true, but I am thankful that in my heart, I know it to be true. I can feel you around me at times. I know when I saw the rainbow cloud the other day that it was you assuring me that everything will work its way out in the end. And I know you were with me in the car when the scent of you came across me so strong it was as if I were hugging you right there. I asked you to put in a good word for me and get me some sunshine, and you did. I told you about me reading the book The Lovely Bones.... and how it really made you think about things and think about all the "what ifs" when someone is gone.... lately, that book has really stuck in my mind. I wonder if you are in a place like Suzie Salmon was... you're very own heaven. Depending on what you need, and the people you loved the most need, depends on where you are, what you are doing, and what is around you. You always had a song for every occasion. Whether it be a pick me up song, an emotional one to listen and vent your feelings out through, or just a classic that would always be a favorite of yours... I wonder if you are in your heaven listening to Nick Cave and Johnny Cash, talking and reflecting with others with the same interest as you that also have a part of your heaven as theirs. I like the thought of this heaven. A heaven that is based on what you need and feel. I can only imagine what it would be like for you. Old brick paved streets lined with neon lights, with random skate ramps on the corners. And as you decide to pick up your skateboard and take off, the roads turn to the smoothest cement for perfect riding. And after you skate your hearts desire out, you stop to sit on a bench and talk to someone who is in your heaven because this too is a part of what their heaven is. You sit there and talk to them about everyone you ever loved, every song that ever moved your soul. And as you decide to fuel the need to paint as you always did, you have the largest canvas and unlimited supplies you could ever imagine. And as you stand there dipping your paintbrushes into the thick paint and placing the bristles against the canvas and start the creation of yet another masterpiece done by you, it may be a canvas you see, but it is the sky for me. With each stroke of your brush, it is a cloud, a swirl, a new color added to the sunset I am seeing from below. And as the stars come out at night, you are standing there with a mirror in just the right position to make it a little brighter for it to stand out to me here on Earth. And as you stand there moving the mirror in just the right angle and twist each time, it is you making the stars glitter and twinkle for me to see. Almost as if it is your way of saying "hello" and "I am here". Some people may think I am crazy for thinking this, but I know you understand me and you understand where I am coming from with these thoughts. You are notorious for thinking outside of the box, and always able to see where someone is coming from with their thoughts and opinions even if you have never stopped to think of it that way before or not... and being you are so good at this, that is why I know you understand me when I talk about it being your heaven. I know that one day, when it is time for me to go to my heaven, I will see you there. Just as I do in my life, I will need you in my heaven and since our heavens are what we need, we will be together again.
I've never seen anyone love like you, and I've never seen someone so loved by people like you. You talked about your friends all the time, and what they meant to you. At times you were afraid that they didn't know how much they truly meant to you... I promise you they do. I have seen it in the past month. I have seen how much they loved you too. I worry that you never realized what you meant to me and the people around you. But at the same time, I know you see it now. Knowing you see it now is not enough for me. I want to be able to tell you and show you and remind you how much you meant to me and how much I loved and love you still. And although I keep talking to you and asking you to guide me, I feel as if I need to do the same for you. You couldn't stand the thought of me being upset in life, and I keep trying to convince myself that with you being with me and watching over me that I need to do my best to make sure I don't upset you. I know you see how much we all miss you, and I know in your heaven you miss us the same. If everything was absolutely perfect in heaven then it wouldn't be based upon what you need day to day now would it?
I could go on and on with this letter to you confessing my love for you as my brother and my best friend in life, and I almost feel guilty stopping it here. But I promise you that this is not the end of hearing from me. I talk to you every day and I will continue to do so. I know you are listening, and I know you know that I am doing the same and I know that this will not be the last time you hear from me. I love you so much and I miss you so much it literally brings a physical pain to my heart. I know you are going to do your best to assure me that everything will be okay, and I know that you will do your best to help me through this. And yes Derek, I know this to be true.
Love always and forever,
Kacie
As you have seen every day for the past month, I am sad. I am sadder than I have ever known to be possible and I am lonelier feeling that I have ever dreamed of knowing. I have people around me that care, yes, but regardless, none of them make up for not having you. People keep telling me that it will get easier over time, and honestly, I am not so sure of that. I can't begin to imagine how any of this will ever be considered easy to my mind and soul. It's not easy not having you to call, to hear. It's not easy not having your quick witted jokes and laughter. It's not easy accepting that all I have left of you are the memories we made together and that there will be no more to add in the years to come. I believe that it is easier to convince myself that this is all a bad dream that I will wake up from one day than it is to believe that this is the truth to my life and it is a real nightmare that I will never wake from. Although I talked to you every day nearly, I feel as if it wasn't enough. I know that you already know, but I still talk to you every day. You always guided me in life and I believe that you are still there and doing just that. You may not be able to come out and tell me what you think should be done, or what you think would be best for me, but I feel as if you are going to guide me and show me what you feel and think about it and lead me to what is in the best interest of me according to your eyes. I sit and wonder how I am going to be able to deal with the obstacles life throws at me without having you to remind me of who I truly am, and reminding me of what good I bring to everyone around me without even knowing it, and of course reminding me of what we were raised to do in certain situations. When people think of being raised, they envision their parents teaching them. When I think of it, I think of you. You were the one who taught me everything I know, and the one who guided me through every day life. Whether it be you picking me up and placing me on the first step of the school bus because I was too short to step up on it by myself at 5 yrs old, or you coming home from school and always cooking me my afternoon snacks of canned chicken and dumplings. Speaking of which, remember the time you were trying to open the can of chicken and dumplings and some how managed to nearly cut the end of your finger off on the top to the can? I remember running and grabbing the toilet paper roll and you having your whole arm wrapped in a make shift ace bandage when mom came in that evening. I remember sitting in your room listening to music through your big old school headphones and you having to remind me that just because I couldn't hear myself talking, I didn't have to yell. :) Me being me and always into mischief, I remember running to your room to hide behind your bed when I was about to get a swat from the switch I myself had to pick out for my own spanking. You would stand there and refuse to let mom or dad into the room to me. Then when mom and dad got divorced, you became more than my brother. That is when you truly became my protector in life and the person I looked to for comfort. Regardless of how you felt, you made sure that I was the main priority in your life. You made sure that I knew everything was going to okay whether or not you ever truly felt it at the time or not. Since we had gotten older you had expressed to me how proud you were of me in life and how you were so proud of who and what I had become considering the circumstances I had been thrown at certain times in life. I told you then, but I have really thought about it a lot more in the past few weeks and I have to say with everything in me that it is because of you, I am who I am. You were the one teaching me the common sense of the streets, the morals of having a true heart, what a friend is and should be, and most importantly, the true definition of what unconditional love is. You have told me how proud you are of the mother I am to Trenton, but I can not take the full credit on it myself. You are the one who taught me to love with everything I have in me. To not just love parts of people but to love that person as a whole. Regardless of what someone ever did, you always found a way to see past it and to see what that person was truly made of. Something I always admired you for. Having you to talk to and be the one to lead me through life, I always had you to remind me of what life was truly about. Passion and love. Not the money, or the status of someone. Now, I have to try and figure out how to still find the beauty in the world around me without you here to remind me it exists. I am not quite sure on how or if I will for sure find a way to do this, but I know that you will find a way to make me see it. Whether it be the daffodils and daisies I love so much blooming early, or a beautiful day to free my spirit, I know that it is going to be a part of you making it happen for me. I know that you still know what I need in life and I know that you will help make it happen for me. To say that I believe this with everything in me does help me, but I can't lie to you and say that it makes any of this any easier on me. I would rather you be here to tell me what you feel and think rather than me having to guess and wait for a sign from you. I guess I am selfish. Apparently...considering the fact that at this point in time I should just be grateful to know in my heart that you are still with me. Some people are never able to accept the thought that their loved ones still embark the journey of life with them every day.... I am not sure how they can manage to convince themselves of this not being true, but I am thankful that in my heart, I know it to be true. I can feel you around me at times. I know when I saw the rainbow cloud the other day that it was you assuring me that everything will work its way out in the end. And I know you were with me in the car when the scent of you came across me so strong it was as if I were hugging you right there. I asked you to put in a good word for me and get me some sunshine, and you did. I told you about me reading the book The Lovely Bones.... and how it really made you think about things and think about all the "what ifs" when someone is gone.... lately, that book has really stuck in my mind. I wonder if you are in a place like Suzie Salmon was... you're very own heaven. Depending on what you need, and the people you loved the most need, depends on where you are, what you are doing, and what is around you. You always had a song for every occasion. Whether it be a pick me up song, an emotional one to listen and vent your feelings out through, or just a classic that would always be a favorite of yours... I wonder if you are in your heaven listening to Nick Cave and Johnny Cash, talking and reflecting with others with the same interest as you that also have a part of your heaven as theirs. I like the thought of this heaven. A heaven that is based on what you need and feel. I can only imagine what it would be like for you. Old brick paved streets lined with neon lights, with random skate ramps on the corners. And as you decide to pick up your skateboard and take off, the roads turn to the smoothest cement for perfect riding. And after you skate your hearts desire out, you stop to sit on a bench and talk to someone who is in your heaven because this too is a part of what their heaven is. You sit there and talk to them about everyone you ever loved, every song that ever moved your soul. And as you decide to fuel the need to paint as you always did, you have the largest canvas and unlimited supplies you could ever imagine. And as you stand there dipping your paintbrushes into the thick paint and placing the bristles against the canvas and start the creation of yet another masterpiece done by you, it may be a canvas you see, but it is the sky for me. With each stroke of your brush, it is a cloud, a swirl, a new color added to the sunset I am seeing from below. And as the stars come out at night, you are standing there with a mirror in just the right position to make it a little brighter for it to stand out to me here on Earth. And as you stand there moving the mirror in just the right angle and twist each time, it is you making the stars glitter and twinkle for me to see. Almost as if it is your way of saying "hello" and "I am here". Some people may think I am crazy for thinking this, but I know you understand me and you understand where I am coming from with these thoughts. You are notorious for thinking outside of the box, and always able to see where someone is coming from with their thoughts and opinions even if you have never stopped to think of it that way before or not... and being you are so good at this, that is why I know you understand me when I talk about it being your heaven. I know that one day, when it is time for me to go to my heaven, I will see you there. Just as I do in my life, I will need you in my heaven and since our heavens are what we need, we will be together again.
I've never seen anyone love like you, and I've never seen someone so loved by people like you. You talked about your friends all the time, and what they meant to you. At times you were afraid that they didn't know how much they truly meant to you... I promise you they do. I have seen it in the past month. I have seen how much they loved you too. I worry that you never realized what you meant to me and the people around you. But at the same time, I know you see it now. Knowing you see it now is not enough for me. I want to be able to tell you and show you and remind you how much you meant to me and how much I loved and love you still. And although I keep talking to you and asking you to guide me, I feel as if I need to do the same for you. You couldn't stand the thought of me being upset in life, and I keep trying to convince myself that with you being with me and watching over me that I need to do my best to make sure I don't upset you. I know you see how much we all miss you, and I know in your heaven you miss us the same. If everything was absolutely perfect in heaven then it wouldn't be based upon what you need day to day now would it?
I could go on and on with this letter to you confessing my love for you as my brother and my best friend in life, and I almost feel guilty stopping it here. But I promise you that this is not the end of hearing from me. I talk to you every day and I will continue to do so. I know you are listening, and I know you know that I am doing the same and I know that this will not be the last time you hear from me. I love you so much and I miss you so much it literally brings a physical pain to my heart. I know you are going to do your best to assure me that everything will be okay, and I know that you will do your best to help me through this. And yes Derek, I know this to be true.
Love always and forever,
Kacie
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Raindrops
Can you believe that I actually took a few days from blogging? Yeah, I know! Strange for me lately huh? Well have no fear, I am back! And back with a vengeance! (Insert evil laugh here)
The past few days have been sunny and busy! Two things that I needed in my life in order to keep my little peanut brain from going into overload and burning out even more on me than it already is. Although I still feel behind and lost in school, I think I may just be back on track for the most part which is a comfort within it's own. I was doing so good this year about making sure I did my homework and studying as soon as I got home from my classes instead of waiting until the night before class the following week to worry and start on things... and although I am still not up to par on everything like I was in the beginning of this semester, I am trying my hardest to get back to where I need to be. I actually had a thought of maybe dropping this semester and trying it again next semester with everything going on right now... Why? Well for one, missing 3 weeks worth of classes definitely put me behind, and even though I am now back in class, it's almost as if I am there physically but my mind is somewhere else. I do good for the first 30-45 mins with staying focused and on task, but after that it seems as if my mind turns on and I start thinking only about my brother... and once that happens, it's over. I can't tell you a single thing the teacher said to me or who was sitting next to me for that matter once I get Derek on my mind. Now that I believe I am semi caught up with it, I do believe I am going to push through this and make it happen and not be a quitter. Derek would have a cow if he ever thought I quit at anything in life and I am not about to start giving up and quitting on him now. He was so proud that I was back in school and would always refer to when I got pregnant in high school, everyone thought that was the end of my future but I picked a fight and I won it... and look at me now, working on my 2nd degree. And when he would say this to me, it always made me feel like I did prove everyone wrong about their assumptions of me and that I did prove to the world I was not your stereotypical teenage mom. So with that conversation, and the feeling it brings back to me to think of it, I CAN, I WILL, and I AM going to finish school. And not only will I do all 3 of those, I WILL do my best on top of it!
Kudos for the sunshine 'eh?!? Call me crazy, I don't care but I actually did lay in the bed and ask Derek to see what he could work out with the big guy upstairs about bringing some sunshine into my life... true story! And the next 2 days were absolutely beautiful!!! I know that most of you are thinking "big deal the weatherman told us it was going to be"... but keep in mind you little dwellers that the weatherman messes up more often than not when it comes to the weather! And don't try to deny it either because you know that I am right! :) And regardless of whether or not a man could read the screen and tell us what the next few days hold, I do believe he is not the one that created those days of sun so him reading a screen does not make him a participant in this beautiful weather. My brother on the other hand, who has the main hookup when it comes to things right now, I believe did have something to do with it. Besides, anytime I ever needed anything at all, Derek always made sure it happened for me so why in the world would I all of a sudden start believing that he would be any different about it? Exactly.. I'm not.
With the sun being out, and weather pretty enough to finally wear my new rosette sandals, I was out and about the other day with no destination. I had the window's down, and was listening to a cd that Derek had burned that said "waiting for the sunshine" that was filled with some uplifting oldies, and of course a few johnny cash songs, and was driving around aimlessly in his car enjoying the day. And while I was driving, I had a scent of him hit me in the car. Strange because the window's were down and you would think that would just let all of the gas guzzling, smoke blowing trucks fumes into the car with me.. but while I was sitting at a red light, I had the strongest scent of my brother come over me. I could smell him. The way he smelled when I hugged him! And after sitting there and taking it in with everything I had in me, and actually rolling the windows up as quick as I could for fear of losing it, I drove over to a parking lot to sit for a minute. As I pulled into the parking lot, I pulled into the back parking spaces and put the car in park and sat there crying for what seemed like an eternity, but I believe it was probably only about 3 minutes. And while sitting there having my moment, I spoke out loud and said "Derek, I just wish I knew for sure you were with me. People tell me you are, but I wish I knew for sure. When you were here with me, I could see you and hear you and know it. I feel it, but I want to know it." And after saying that I for some reason looked over to my left, and saw a cloud. A rainbow cloud. Literally. There was no rainbow in the sky below it, and no extension of the rainbow in the sky above it. It was just that one single cloud that was the brightest rainbow you can imagine. And as I sat there and stared at it, within a minute or two, it vanished. It was then just the same cloud but with no rainbow. And, I smiled. Derek had shown me that he was there. He did just as I asked, and proved it to me to let me see it, and to let me know it. And the irony of this rainbow cloud is that Derek always told me that after every storm there is a rainbow. No matter what was going on in my life, that was the phrase that he used to assure me that everything would work itself out and that I would be okay. He actually started telling me that when I was a little girl and he would be forced to watch The Wizard of Oz with me over and over until my tape finally wore out to the point you could no longer tell where ToTo was due to the tracking lines that would not clear out from the screen. And on the day of Derek's graveside service, it was pouring rain and the preacher mentioned something I had wrote to Derek that said "you were the reason I smiled on rainy days", and then went into the fact that "after every storm, there is a calm. A calm where a rainbow comes out". Pretty much the same thing Derek always said to me, but the preacher didn't know that it was the phrase Derek would say to me.... which in fact at that moment of sitting in that chair, looking down at a marble urn that said 'Derek Adam Byrd', I couldn't help but feel it was Derek talking to me and using the preacher as his messenger to tell me that everything will be okay. And back to the day of the rainbow cloud... after the cloud was no longer the rainbow, I sat there and thought and thought and thought some more. What were the odds that I would be sitting at that red light and get a scent of my brother so strong that it made me pull into a random parking lot? What are the odds that out of the entire parking lot, I pulled and parked into the space that allowed me to be able to see that cloud over the building so precise? And what are the odds of nothing at all grabbing my attention to make me look over to left, but I did..for just because? And what are the odds of when looking to my left instead of noticing the people walking and the cars driving by, my eyes went straight to a cloud instead? And what are the odds of me seeing a rainbow cloud that only lasted a matter of a minute or two? And the odds of it being a rainbow after me asking Derek to show me he is here with me, and it also being what he used to say to me? Those are not odds. It was Derek. Derek showing me he is with me, and showing me that he still loves and thinks of me just as much as I do him. And people may think I am crazy for believing this, and may think that I am taking every little thing in life to the extreme and relating it to him, and that is fine if they think that. But in my heart, I know different and that is all that matters to me. If this is the way I have to believe and feel in order to survive this thing I called life right now, so be it. If it is what will make me still see the many blessing I do have around me still, I will do it. And I will believe in it 100%!
This morning has been a rough one. There is no sun. Just darkness. Almost to the point to where I could literally turn a lamp on and it's only 10:30 am. Rainy and yucky. And Trenton is at his Daddy's for the weekend, and it is David's Saturday to work, so there is nothing to occupy my mind but myself which is a scary thought within itself. I dreamed about Derek again last night and as soon as I woke up this morning, I have had him weighing on my heart and mind extremely. I loved my brother so much, and I know that he loved me but I sit here and think that I should have told him even more. We talked everyday, and said we loved each other every day, but it feels like that wasn't enough. Would I feel this way if we had been able to have another 50 years together and something happened? I think so... at least that is what I want to believe that way I can assure myself that I am not just being irrational about this to myself. I would give everything I own in order to talk to him just one more time. To hear him. To see him. Is it wrong of me to get angry when people tell me he is in a place where he is not suffering? Suffering? Derek wasn't suffering. Derek was 33 years old and full of life. It's not like he had a terminal illness and was just laying there suffering. To hear people tell me that, I literally just want to tell them to shut up and that they have no idea what they are talking about. No, I don't. And no, I won't. I do understand that people have an awkwardness in themselves about it being everyone knows there is nothing you can say or do to make someone feel better when something like this happens... I've been there before when it has came to things happening to friends and stuff... but sometimes, its better to just not say anything at all than to say something absurd like that. And I guess one thing that has came about of all of this has been the fact that I have seen who the true friends in my life are. Some are one's I never actually realized, and others aren't the ones that I thought they were. I guess I could be thankful for seeing this now, instead of later down the road after more time and effort is spent towards them on a one sided deal... its obvious I have more than one thing to work out in my mind right now.
Not sure if I mentioned it before or not, but I got my teardrop necklace. It's a silver teardrop and inside of it there are some of Derek's ashes in it. I haven't taken it off since receiving it. And won't. And I also got a mini urn that is about 4 inches tall that is pewter and silver, and it has some of his ashes, along with a lock of his hair in it. Mom didn't get one of those because she couldn't stand the thought of having it (she has her own thoughts and feelings about all of this she is dealing with) and knowing it was Derek in it and that is actually why his ashes were buried, but it helps me to know I do have a piece of him forever.
Since this blog has turned into a depressive one, I will do you the honor of stopping here. Hopefully Derek will work something out with his hook up in heaven for the sun to come back out for all of us. I know everyone has been enjoying this weather and we all needed it! And hopefully it will happen sooner than later because I am not for sure how long I will mentally be able to handle this rain, and drear in the air like today. I've only been awake for a little over 2 hours and it seems as if I am ready for this day to already be over with. So in order to hurry it along, I do believe I will try and clean out the spare room and at least do something productive all the while my mind is racing to a finish line that does not exist.
The past few days have been sunny and busy! Two things that I needed in my life in order to keep my little peanut brain from going into overload and burning out even more on me than it already is. Although I still feel behind and lost in school, I think I may just be back on track for the most part which is a comfort within it's own. I was doing so good this year about making sure I did my homework and studying as soon as I got home from my classes instead of waiting until the night before class the following week to worry and start on things... and although I am still not up to par on everything like I was in the beginning of this semester, I am trying my hardest to get back to where I need to be. I actually had a thought of maybe dropping this semester and trying it again next semester with everything going on right now... Why? Well for one, missing 3 weeks worth of classes definitely put me behind, and even though I am now back in class, it's almost as if I am there physically but my mind is somewhere else. I do good for the first 30-45 mins with staying focused and on task, but after that it seems as if my mind turns on and I start thinking only about my brother... and once that happens, it's over. I can't tell you a single thing the teacher said to me or who was sitting next to me for that matter once I get Derek on my mind. Now that I believe I am semi caught up with it, I do believe I am going to push through this and make it happen and not be a quitter. Derek would have a cow if he ever thought I quit at anything in life and I am not about to start giving up and quitting on him now. He was so proud that I was back in school and would always refer to when I got pregnant in high school, everyone thought that was the end of my future but I picked a fight and I won it... and look at me now, working on my 2nd degree. And when he would say this to me, it always made me feel like I did prove everyone wrong about their assumptions of me and that I did prove to the world I was not your stereotypical teenage mom. So with that conversation, and the feeling it brings back to me to think of it, I CAN, I WILL, and I AM going to finish school. And not only will I do all 3 of those, I WILL do my best on top of it!
Kudos for the sunshine 'eh?!? Call me crazy, I don't care but I actually did lay in the bed and ask Derek to see what he could work out with the big guy upstairs about bringing some sunshine into my life... true story! And the next 2 days were absolutely beautiful!!! I know that most of you are thinking "big deal the weatherman told us it was going to be"... but keep in mind you little dwellers that the weatherman messes up more often than not when it comes to the weather! And don't try to deny it either because you know that I am right! :) And regardless of whether or not a man could read the screen and tell us what the next few days hold, I do believe he is not the one that created those days of sun so him reading a screen does not make him a participant in this beautiful weather. My brother on the other hand, who has the main hookup when it comes to things right now, I believe did have something to do with it. Besides, anytime I ever needed anything at all, Derek always made sure it happened for me so why in the world would I all of a sudden start believing that he would be any different about it? Exactly.. I'm not.
With the sun being out, and weather pretty enough to finally wear my new rosette sandals, I was out and about the other day with no destination. I had the window's down, and was listening to a cd that Derek had burned that said "waiting for the sunshine" that was filled with some uplifting oldies, and of course a few johnny cash songs, and was driving around aimlessly in his car enjoying the day. And while I was driving, I had a scent of him hit me in the car. Strange because the window's were down and you would think that would just let all of the gas guzzling, smoke blowing trucks fumes into the car with me.. but while I was sitting at a red light, I had the strongest scent of my brother come over me. I could smell him. The way he smelled when I hugged him! And after sitting there and taking it in with everything I had in me, and actually rolling the windows up as quick as I could for fear of losing it, I drove over to a parking lot to sit for a minute. As I pulled into the parking lot, I pulled into the back parking spaces and put the car in park and sat there crying for what seemed like an eternity, but I believe it was probably only about 3 minutes. And while sitting there having my moment, I spoke out loud and said "Derek, I just wish I knew for sure you were with me. People tell me you are, but I wish I knew for sure. When you were here with me, I could see you and hear you and know it. I feel it, but I want to know it." And after saying that I for some reason looked over to my left, and saw a cloud. A rainbow cloud. Literally. There was no rainbow in the sky below it, and no extension of the rainbow in the sky above it. It was just that one single cloud that was the brightest rainbow you can imagine. And as I sat there and stared at it, within a minute or two, it vanished. It was then just the same cloud but with no rainbow. And, I smiled. Derek had shown me that he was there. He did just as I asked, and proved it to me to let me see it, and to let me know it. And the irony of this rainbow cloud is that Derek always told me that after every storm there is a rainbow. No matter what was going on in my life, that was the phrase that he used to assure me that everything would work itself out and that I would be okay. He actually started telling me that when I was a little girl and he would be forced to watch The Wizard of Oz with me over and over until my tape finally wore out to the point you could no longer tell where ToTo was due to the tracking lines that would not clear out from the screen. And on the day of Derek's graveside service, it was pouring rain and the preacher mentioned something I had wrote to Derek that said "you were the reason I smiled on rainy days", and then went into the fact that "after every storm, there is a calm. A calm where a rainbow comes out". Pretty much the same thing Derek always said to me, but the preacher didn't know that it was the phrase Derek would say to me.... which in fact at that moment of sitting in that chair, looking down at a marble urn that said 'Derek Adam Byrd', I couldn't help but feel it was Derek talking to me and using the preacher as his messenger to tell me that everything will be okay. And back to the day of the rainbow cloud... after the cloud was no longer the rainbow, I sat there and thought and thought and thought some more. What were the odds that I would be sitting at that red light and get a scent of my brother so strong that it made me pull into a random parking lot? What are the odds that out of the entire parking lot, I pulled and parked into the space that allowed me to be able to see that cloud over the building so precise? And what are the odds of nothing at all grabbing my attention to make me look over to left, but I did..for just because? And what are the odds of when looking to my left instead of noticing the people walking and the cars driving by, my eyes went straight to a cloud instead? And what are the odds of me seeing a rainbow cloud that only lasted a matter of a minute or two? And the odds of it being a rainbow after me asking Derek to show me he is here with me, and it also being what he used to say to me? Those are not odds. It was Derek. Derek showing me he is with me, and showing me that he still loves and thinks of me just as much as I do him. And people may think I am crazy for believing this, and may think that I am taking every little thing in life to the extreme and relating it to him, and that is fine if they think that. But in my heart, I know different and that is all that matters to me. If this is the way I have to believe and feel in order to survive this thing I called life right now, so be it. If it is what will make me still see the many blessing I do have around me still, I will do it. And I will believe in it 100%!
This morning has been a rough one. There is no sun. Just darkness. Almost to the point to where I could literally turn a lamp on and it's only 10:30 am. Rainy and yucky. And Trenton is at his Daddy's for the weekend, and it is David's Saturday to work, so there is nothing to occupy my mind but myself which is a scary thought within itself. I dreamed about Derek again last night and as soon as I woke up this morning, I have had him weighing on my heart and mind extremely. I loved my brother so much, and I know that he loved me but I sit here and think that I should have told him even more. We talked everyday, and said we loved each other every day, but it feels like that wasn't enough. Would I feel this way if we had been able to have another 50 years together and something happened? I think so... at least that is what I want to believe that way I can assure myself that I am not just being irrational about this to myself. I would give everything I own in order to talk to him just one more time. To hear him. To see him. Is it wrong of me to get angry when people tell me he is in a place where he is not suffering? Suffering? Derek wasn't suffering. Derek was 33 years old and full of life. It's not like he had a terminal illness and was just laying there suffering. To hear people tell me that, I literally just want to tell them to shut up and that they have no idea what they are talking about. No, I don't. And no, I won't. I do understand that people have an awkwardness in themselves about it being everyone knows there is nothing you can say or do to make someone feel better when something like this happens... I've been there before when it has came to things happening to friends and stuff... but sometimes, its better to just not say anything at all than to say something absurd like that. And I guess one thing that has came about of all of this has been the fact that I have seen who the true friends in my life are. Some are one's I never actually realized, and others aren't the ones that I thought they were. I guess I could be thankful for seeing this now, instead of later down the road after more time and effort is spent towards them on a one sided deal... its obvious I have more than one thing to work out in my mind right now.
Not sure if I mentioned it before or not, but I got my teardrop necklace. It's a silver teardrop and inside of it there are some of Derek's ashes in it. I haven't taken it off since receiving it. And won't. And I also got a mini urn that is about 4 inches tall that is pewter and silver, and it has some of his ashes, along with a lock of his hair in it. Mom didn't get one of those because she couldn't stand the thought of having it (she has her own thoughts and feelings about all of this she is dealing with) and knowing it was Derek in it and that is actually why his ashes were buried, but it helps me to know I do have a piece of him forever.
Since this blog has turned into a depressive one, I will do you the honor of stopping here. Hopefully Derek will work something out with his hook up in heaven for the sun to come back out for all of us. I know everyone has been enjoying this weather and we all needed it! And hopefully it will happen sooner than later because I am not for sure how long I will mentally be able to handle this rain, and drear in the air like today. I've only been awake for a little over 2 hours and it seems as if I am ready for this day to already be over with. So in order to hurry it along, I do believe I will try and clean out the spare room and at least do something productive all the while my mind is racing to a finish line that does not exist.
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