cracking like an iced branch

There really isnt a special or particular place to start with what has been going on with me lately.. actually, there really isnt anything that has been very exciting happen to even begin to write about, but here goes!

Life.. eh! It is what you make of it, I suppose? Things have been rough. Very rough. This month alone has been a very hard month on me. Derek's birthday was November 16th followed by my step dad's birthday November 22, then of course Thanksgiving. Derek's favorite holiday. As some people may think it is crazy for me to admit to this, I just couldnt find it in me to even eat the turkey or dressing this year. Derek loved Thanksgiving and it was always his favorite holiday simply because of the turkey and dressing. The thought of him not being excited for the turkey to get done and always reminding me that it naturally makes you sleepy therefore we would be able to get a good nap in afterwards and the thought of him not sitting beside me at the table enjoying it killed me. I just couldnt find it in myself to eat it knowing he was not here to do so with me. Whoever says it will get easier... you have no clue. God I miss him more than anything in this world. I still think about him. ALL the time. Im lucky to go 15 minutes without having him on my mind. This new life of mine, without my brother, sure is taking a toll on me. I just cant find the "new norm" in my life. I cant seem to balance it out knowing he is no longer a part of it. Crazy? Maybe.. possibly.. probably. I feel like every thing is wrapping around me and I cant catch my breath. Work, i hate it. As if hating a job isnt bad as is, try being severely depressed and hating it. There are days I literally can not make myself get up and go. Days I literally can not make myself get out of pajamas and even give a damn about life. I'm trying... lord am I trying but I just cant seem to get a grip on it. I cant seem to shake all of this off and get back to myself. Boy, do I miss the old Kacie. Fun, full of laughter, down to earth, spontaneous, all giggles. I'd give anything to find it all back in me again. One thing about it that is good I guess, I have become a pro at convincing the world and myself that I am okay with the biggest fake smile you've ever seen that I have come to master. Honestly, it's almost like living a double life. I go to work with my hair fixed, make up perfect, dressed nice and convince them that I am this full of life person that nothing seems to bother but on the inside, I feel like I'm crashing down and falling apart. I have to walk around and pretend that my life is just fine and dandy, knowing deep down that I'd give anything for that to be true and for me to believe it myself. Thinking today, I have came to the conclusion that I hold too much in. I've held too much in for far too long. Although I have expressed how much I miss my brother on a pretty regular basis, I have expressed what it is doing to my heart enough. I feel like I need a therapist. A cure. A miracle. Help. What do you do when you feel this way and can't fix it, yet you need your job in the absolute worst way possible? What do you do when people don't truly understand what you are feeling and going through when you need them to the most? What do you do when you continuously wake up from horrible nightmares and cant go back to sleep, causing you to be up all night and not be able to handle the work day ahead? What am I supposed to do?? There is no cure for this. No fix. Right now, it seems.. no hope. I feel as if I am letting everyone down. David and my mom especially. David has worked hard in order to provide for our family and now that it is my turn, I feel like I am letting him down on the days I just cant make myself go, or even get up for that matter. My mom... she has helped me so much and here I am feeling this way and doing her the same way. Not only am I feeling all of these emotions from my brother's death but now I have the added stress of our family dropping income to less than half of what it was, and me being the one depended on when I am the last person that can be depended on right now. Damn, I bet you are wondering if there is anything good at all in my life right now?? Well.... of course. Trenton Lane! who might I add just had a birthday and turned a whopping 9 years old!! Oh me! The mother of a 9 year old!!! yikes! ha! No, seriously.. he had a great birthday and was very blessed to have some special people show up at his party for him! :) He truly is a blessed little boy, even if his mother is going crazy day by day. One more good thing.. at least I never show it in front of Trenton! No matter what, Mommy has a smile on her face when it comes to Trenton! January 9th is marking a very special day also! that is the day that ESPN is going to be giving my brother's award out! :) I am so excited!! HOPEFULLY, i am going to be able to make it! I can not imagine not getting to go. upsets me to even think about it! I pray that David will be able to go with me! he sure is my backbone in life and for some reason I honestly feel like I will need him there.

unlike me, I dont have a fantastic ending with a great analogy to end this blog.. i've bitched, i've complained, i've whined, and i've frowned all i possibly can during this blog. One thing I do ask... keep me in your prayers. I need it right now! And pray that I can manage to keep my job through all of this! whew! I'm telling ya... it's too much on me right now! But, I have managed to still be standing so that might be a good sign! ;)

Locked in, and locked out.

We all know someone who does nothing in life but complains. Or so it seems that way at least. Doesn't matter what they are doing, where they are, who they are with, they have nothing nice to say. They will find the tiniest things in the world to bicker about and if you are anything like me, you don't get it and don't want to get it. And as if hearing these people bitch about every aspect of their life isn't bad enough, you also have the people who want to bitch about everything and then turn around all in the same breath and talk about how lucky and fortunate they are to have their life and brag about how lucky they are to have the people in it. I do not understand this and will never understand this. It actually gets on my nerves so bad at times, I have to watch how I react to these people talking this crap all of the time. Anybody that knows me, knows that I do not want to hurt any body's feelings and I truly want and try to treat people the way I would want to be treated. But at the same time, I am a very opinionated person. Luckily, I am not the type of opinionated person that tells my opinion and the gets mad if the person I am expressing it to does not listen. Yes, I speak my mind freely but No, I do not expect for anybody to take my advice and live by it just because I would. But when I am asked my opinion, I also do not like it when someone gets angry over it. If you do not want to hear what people have to say and what people think, then do not ask someone for it. And although I may speak my opinion, I honestly do not mean any harm in it whatsoever. But I have come to realize over the past little bit that when someone asks for your opinion and then wants to get to upset over it, 9 times out of 10 it is because you hit the nail on the head and they are having a hard time accepting and realizing the truth. And while these 'complainers' are bitching complaining, have you ever realized that while they are complaining about every aspect of their life, they seem to never complain about themselves and what they do wrong. I find it amusing that they can complain about every little thing but they forget to complain about themselves and what they do wrong. It's amazing that they can see no wrong in themselves. Of course this is coming from a person who always sees the worst in herself regardless if anybody else sees it or not so that possibly could be what is so weird about it to me. Oh well, who knows? Or should I say, who cares?

I may have my moments to where I am complaining about certain people in my life, but I can honestly say that I am fortunate to have a husband that I honestly have no complaints about. I have never dreamed of having a relationship that could be so perfect. I know you must be thinking I am full of it and I am sure that you are thinking there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. I get that. I honestly do because I once thought the same thing about relationships. Now, I just realize that I had a horrible habit of attracting the most psychotic assholes you have ever seen. The reason I didn't believe in it is because I had never experienced it. When I say that David and I get along, I mean it. And when I say I mean it, I mean we have literally never had a "fight". I honestly don't know what I would do or how I would react if David were to seriously yell at me. I'd probably be like a small kid traumatized, curled up in a ball, wrapped up in my blanky, crying. Yeah, you get the picture! I am so thankful for the relationship that David and I have with one another. I love being able to talk to David about anything and everything and never once feel as if I am going to be judged or put down for it. I love that I am 100% comfortable sitting at home with my 'boring' life and don't feel the need to run around all of the time in order to be happy. My happiness is within myself. I do not have to chase after it, and that my friends, is the best feeling in the world. David and I talk a lot. So much that at times we don't even turn the tv on due to just talking to each other. Today was one of those days. Grateful that I was off today after a hectic day of work, and trick or treating last night with the cutest Pokemon trainer you've ever seen, and grateful that I was able to spend the day with David. While sitting on the couch beside each other today, some how a conversation come up about someone I once knew. The more we talked, the more David started to bring up some points that I had never stopped to consider or realize. And the more he brought these points up, the more it all started to make sense. It all started due to a person that complains all of the time, complaining. Again. And as David and I were reflecting on what this person complains about, the reality of her all came into play. This person feels the need to be on the road and on the go every chance she has. She feels that she has to visit every person she knows every single day. And although that might not seem like a big deal to some, and it really isn't, if you knew this person and her ways, and could hear how David put it to me today, you too would have a light bulb going off over your head. For a while now, it has been brought to my attention that I never get out to do anything and that I never stop by to see people anymore like I once did a long time ago. And that I hardly talk on the phone or call anyone anymore when I used to always talk to people. For the longest time I have never been able to see what the big deal is that I no longer do these things. Today, David brought up the point that this person is so miserable with herself that she is dependent on having these friends in order to feel happy. She thrives off needing to feel special from someone and when you aren't giving her the attention she needs, she then gets angry. She doesn't just get mad at you like most people would, she gets very aggressive. Aggressive and angry towards you to the point that it is almost as if she is your spouse and has caught you doing something horrendous. It is an anger that comes from the depths of her and hell. If she feels that you are not giving her all of your attention, she feels as if you have betrayed her. I have always thought her idea of a friendship was a little too deep and a little bit more controlling than I have ever pictured one to be and I have never truly understood her way of thinking behind it. Along with David's other comment, he also brought up the point that the reason she gets so caught up in these "friends" she has is because she is not happy at home. She can not find happiness in just sitting at home and spending time with her spouse and that is why she latches onto someone who she thinks makes her life happy and complete and when it doesn't go the way she thinks it should, it makes her crazy in the head. If she were truly happy at home, she wouldn't be on the search for a "best friend" at all times. She would consider her spouse her best friend and would enjoy being at home with him. But instead of longing for that, she longs for the attention and needs through other people. And when she sees these friends have what she secretly longs for deep inside, whether she ever wants to realize it or admit to it, she doesn't know how to take it all in. You would think a friend would be happy to see you be completely satisfied with your life for the first time in your life but no, not her. Instead, she gets angry at the thought of you longing and needing someone else in your life. Of course the conversation between David and I was much much deeper than this and the points were a lot more detailed, but you get the point. I don't know, it just seemed as if every single thing fell into place perfectly. The puzzle had finally been completed after listening to David express his ideas and opinions behind it. It feels great knowing that when I am at home, I do not wonder what the big world outside of my walls is doing. It's an awesome feeling knowing that I am at the side of my best friend at all times. A true best friend. One that truly has my back at tall times, one that always makes an effort to understand where I am coming from, and one that does not and would not do whatever it takes to "get even" with me if he were to get upset at me. See, that is something I do not understand. Even if David were to upset me and hurt me, I still would not want to hurt him. No matter how mad an angry I got, it doesn't change the fact that I love him and I feel as if when you love someone, you never do anything to intentionally hurt them regardless of the situation. I'm not a grudge holder, and I am not someone that is capable of staying mad at someone. Most of the time when someone makes me mad and I have something to say, I say it and then within an hour or so, I am completely over it. I can't stand tension, and I cant stand controversy. I avoid it as much as I possibly can. I don't understand why someone would want to stay mad at someone. I think it is one of the worst feelings in the world, and why in the world would I want to cause that on myself? So being that I am the type to get over something so quickly, I know that if I were to say or do something just out of spite, within a matter of little to no time at all, I would have the biggest guilt trip in the world and I am also the type of person that takes a guilty feeling to an extreme. Even when someone is capable of forgiving me, I have trouble forgiving myself. And honestly, if I were to intentionally do something to hurt David, I'm not sure how I would ever be able to forgive and forget when it comes to myself. Therefore, I choose not to do anything of the sort. I guess this in fact is the reason I will never understand the reasoning behind this person.

Also, what about the people you know that seem to have problems with every person in their life but that too is everybody elses fault and nothing to do with them? I mean, is it not strange that every person they come into contact with has a problems with them but it is every body else and not them? Think about it.... in these situations there is one common denominator. That person. Enough said! :)

One thing that sucks about a blog.... its hard to go into detail when it comes to a deep conversation without it rambling and getting confusing. It's hard to repeat the conversation by typing and it making as much sense as it did when it was being said to you. Right now, I'd give anything to be able to really explain the conversation that David and I had today. I have never heard anything that made as much sense in all my life when it came to someone. Especially after wondering what could possibly be going on in this person's head for so long to make them act the way they do. I have racked my brain for years over this and could never make heads or tails of it and I can honestly say that after spending the day with David today, I have it all figured out. Or should I say, David had it all figured out and just let me in on it! :) One thing David can do... talk. I don't care what it is about, he always has a point of view that you never seem to think of, and one that is always hitting the nail on the head. It's honestly amazing at times! I don't know if it's the way he is able to word it, or what exactly it is, but he has a way when talking about things that always seems to hit home with you. I love his point of views and I love going to him for advice because I know he never lies. No matter how harsh the truth may be, he says it and says it with confidence. And with the confidence he has in him when saying it, you cant help but feel confident about things after listening to him. If you ever get the chance to just sit down and talk to David, you too will know and understand exactly what I mean by this.

Now, onto my newest adventure. Or should I say, mine and Trenton's newest adventure. lol!! So after a long, exhausting, exciting, fun filled night of trick or treating, and after a night of watching Trenton actually eat some of his Halloween candy for what I believe was the first time ever, we all crashed once our sugar highs ran out! Trenton is not a big candy eater at all, hence why he normally doesn't care at all about getting candy while trick or treating. He honestly just enjoys dressing up and walking around in his costume and showing it off while looking and getting excited over other kid's costumes. He's actually really sweet about it!! But then again, I always think he is sweeter than any candy he could get trick or treating! Last night, he was so excited to walk around!! To see him so excited, made me so happy being we had a few little mishaps before trick or treating ever came around, even though it was close. You see, every year I normally order Trenton's costume and being we have always ordered it in the past, he gets the catalog to order from in the mail every year. Each year, it seems as if he gets more and more excited to look through it! :) Even after checking it out and picking out his costume, he will still look at it every single day just studying all of the costumes. I'm not sure as to how, or why but this year, we weren't as early about getting his costume as normal. We actually put it off so long, we didn't get to order his costume. So last Thursday, mom took Trenton to bowling green to pick out a costume. Needless to say, she took him to every store in existence nearly and he could not find the one he liked from the catalog so he was very let down and actually so upset he was saying that he didn't even want to go trick or treating this year. So while on break at work, and getting the chance to talk to him and mom and find out what was going on, and after mom assuring him that she would just go to walmart and pick him a costume out while he was at his dad's this past weekend, I finally talked Trenton into at least picking something that he could settle for and deal with after assuring him that if Nana had to pick it out on her own, he probably wouldn't be happy. So finally, he managed to pick out a star wars costume. Everything settled right? Or so we thought.... Friday afternoon, after getting to his dad's house i received a text from his step mom saying that his costume was entirely too small all to find out that although the package said 7-8, someone had in fact shoved a size 5-6 in the package. After being told that his step mom was going to take him to walmart to pick out another costume, I was hoping that everything was going to work out from there. Ha not... Although he did end up with a different type of star wars costume that he seemed to be "okay" with, even though he didn't even get to pick it out because she had her mother go to walmart and call telling what costumes hey had in his size. No big deal really, but I thought it took away from him getting to choose his costume being he had no idea what it even looked like since he had to just come up with whatever over the phone... but that is besides the point.. So Saturday, David and I went to walmart to pick out the stuff for Trenton's goody bags for his class, and I saw "ash" the Pokemon Trainer he always talks about, in his size. Needless to say, the costume was checked out along with our goody's for the bags! :) And needless to say, He was MORE than excited about the Pokemon character when his Nana gave it to him after school yesterday. So thankfully, he in fact got to go trick or treating as something he was considering going as in the first place. :) :) :) And let me tell you, he was the sweetest thing when I pulled up to get him for trick or treating and he had that costume on with a stuffed little Pokemon in his hand! I have to say, I was very impressed with his idea to carry the little Pokemon so everyone knew exactly what he was! Long story short- trick or treating was a blast! He was more excited than he has ever been about Halloween and he, David, and myself enjoyed ourselves!! Big time!! And of course with trick or treating comes long nights due to late dinners, late baths, and late bedtimes due to everyone being on a sugar binge.

Dreading getting up myself this morning, I rolled out of bed and went to Trenton's room to wake him up. Upon turning the door knob, I was quickly awake when realizing that his door was locked. First of all, I don't think he has EVER locked his door! So naturally, I had a moment to where I was stunned trying to figure out why the door was locked. This was before I realized I couldn't actually get in there! Like me, Trenton is an extremely hard sleeper. So hard that I think a riot could break out in our house and neither he or I would ever even flinch, let alone wake up. So there I stood, beating and banging on his bedroom door as if a state of emergency had been declared, and no response. Frantically I was trying to find one of the little keys to unlock the door, but go figure that when you actually need one for the first time, you cant find it. So not only was I freaking out trying to figure out how to get in my child's room in order to get him to school on time, I then started thinking about what if he had gotten up after I put him in bed to eat a piece of candy and had gotten choked on it or something and that is why I couldn't get him up to get the door. Call me crazy, but I literally was freaking out this morning! I was scared to death! Finally, David heard all of the chaos and got up to see what was going on.... and he too was trying to unlock the door and he too had no luck. Finally, after almost 2 hours of this- we got the door open and there laid Trenton sound asleep. Talk about being relieved. By the time 2 hours had passed, I had made myself sick with these thoughts! Gosh, i cant even describe the feeling I had while that door was locked! Yes, he was going to be extremely late for school... so being he hasn't hardly missed any days this year, I decided to just let him stay home with me for the day. For one, he and I haven't had a day together at all since I started work and he and I have been missing each other terribly. To the point that Trenton has even been asking me to quit my job in order to spend more time with him like we are both used to. :( But although the morning started out scary, chaotic, and random.... our day turned out perfect! He was the best little thing all day long and we had a really good day together. Last night on the way home from trick or treating, Trenton said "this has been the best night ever hasn't it mommy and David?" :) And tonight when putting him to bed, and after assuring him he better not lock the door, He said "this has been the best day and night ever hasn't it mommy?" There is nothing better than hearing your child tell you how happy he is in life and how happy he is spending time with you. I just pray that he and I will remain this way the rest of our lives! And I have a prettttttty good feeling, we will always have this very unique, special bond that we have.

Oh- and for the record, Trenton did not lock the door on purpose! He too had no idea that it was locked! :) But like I always say, leave it to us, and it WILL happen!! Always!!! :)

Welcome to my life! :)

Peace, love, & Shamu

It seems as though in the world we have today, there has been one more root of evil added to the list. Facebook. No longer is it the place to reconnect with long lost friends you once roamed the halls of your high school with, and no longer is it innocent. In all reality, it has actually turned into the easiest way to be stalked. The people that supposedly hate you so bad find it more amusing than anything else in life to facebook stalk you it seems. They dislike you so much that they would classify their feelings and emotions towards you as hate, but yet they want to read and dig into your profile as deep as possible in order to satisfy the craving of you they crave so deeply the same as a drug addict with their fix. I personally will never understand this because when I do not like someone, I honestly cant stand the feeling I get when hearing about them or looking at them therefore I have no need to cause this feeling on myself by finding every way I can possibly think of in order to dig into their life and be as nosy as the crazy cat ladies you hear about next door. I am a very forgiving person. Forgiving to a fault at times. I do not like controversy and I do not want any problems when it comes to people. I honestly try to treat people the way I would want to be treated and try to watch what I say and do to them. I guess that is why I find myself going to work and coming home and find myself talking to people less and less these days. Think about it... if you don't interact with too many people then you would think you wouldn't have problems with people. Good thought although it doesn't mean it always works out this way! And while I have always been a very forgiving person, I have never been one that was able to forget. I may never mention it to you again but that does not mean I have forgotten by no means. I forget nothing in life! I actually have come to terms with myself that in order to be able to forgive and forget, I have to do just that. I have to forgive the person for what they did, and I also have to forget them completely. Not just forget what they did to me, which I by no means will probably ever be able to do but forget the person. Having no interactions with the person and being able to forget about them as if they were never in existence in my life is the only way that I will be able to move on from what they have done to me. Is this the right way to be? Probably not. Does it work? Most definitely!! But in order to keep from rambling and in order to stay on task with the point I was getting at let me go back to the facebook idea. So you have problems with someone and they did some pretty hateful harsh things to you on facebook and for the world to view, you block them. You would think this would fix the problem right? Not. When they are blocked, they still find ways to look into your life and have people "spying" for them. And then the day comes to where they get balsy enough to make a whole other profile in order to send you yet another message. A message you care nothing about and a message you will never respond to. A message that was honestly a waste of time, energy and effort on their part. So why be so hateful and non forgiving towards this person when they have sent an apology to you if you are in fact such a forgiving person? I will tell you why. Because this person took being upset to a whole new level. Not only were they mad at me and saying very hurtful and bad things to me, they took it upon themselves to try and humiliate me. It's one thing for them to be at me but to intentionally take the energy and time to try and turn everybody else against me in order to feel as if they are the bigger, better person tells me everything I ever needed to know about this person that I was to naieve and blind to in the past. For them to take very personal things and "publish" it for the world to view and for them and their friends to get a wicked, warped laugh out of was wrong beyong wrong. Wrong to the degree that they in fact taught me the new way of life and the new definition of forgive and forget. Receiving messages from them does nothing but fuel my fire to really forget them. How dare them first of all to think that they could go on facebook and find a way to send me a message with an apology and trying to make it as though it was all their fault when I know in fact that is not the way they believe or think, and think that I am just going to be okay with it and act as if it is all okay. I honestly have found a new hate for facebook. Everything on their is as fake as the color on anna nicole's hair. You either have the people that want to use it as a daily diary to tell about their every move in life, or you have the people that use it as a venting station to let people know how sorry they feel for themselves. There is no longer and normalcy to facebook. When I think about it, it actually reminds me of my image of a  chat room and how people are always blonde haired, blue eyed, in shape, and sexy knowing they are Z. absolutely NONE of the above. And ya know, I'm sure someone will read this and relay messages to people and the shit talking and anger will come back to some but I do not care anymore because just as I mentioned up above, while these people sit infuriated with anger and hate, I will not be. Maybe if you didn't nose up in people's lives and try to dig in deeper and deeper, you wouldn't find your thoughts and emotions getting covered in the dirt falling in on your head from the 6ft deep hole you are standing in. Forgetting someone allows you to be free. You have no desire to hear about them, hear from them, and no desire to read into their life. Maybe if they too could find it in them to be this way they wouldnt find themselves sucked into the condition they find their emotions in.

But enough with that! What about my luck?? I have strep throat. Why does it seem as soon as you get a new job everything that can go wrong, goes wrong? It's one thing to call in and at least enjoy your day off, but it is a whole other level to have to call in, get it counted against you, miss the pay, and also be sick and miserable on top of it. Hopefully these antibiotics will kick in soon and I will be back to myself and ready to work. Haha! Ready to work!! Who am I kidding? I hate that job!! lol

The zoo. I haven't been since I was a kid until wednesday and it was just as exciting to me then as it was when i was a kid! Not to mention, seeing Trenton so excited over the animals and watching him take pictures with his new camera naturally put me in the best mood. He was so careful with his camera and was so particular about how he put it in its case! He loves animals and seeing the amazement and fascination on his face was so sweet! He wants to be a veterinarian, zoologist, or marine biologist. You see, he wants to help sick animals, work at a zoo, and also swim with shamu so depending on which he finds to be more important and more of a desire will depend on what he actually becomes but I couldnt be more proud of his goals and ambitions! Especially to be 8 years old and be so adament on what he wants to do for the world!!! At least he has a desire to make a change! :) Sweet, sweet boy!! I really cant begin to describe what this little boy has done and continues to do for my heart and life. I honestly cant imagine what I would do without him in my life. Thinking about it, I dont understand or know how I ever made it without him in my life. I honestly have more respect for that little boy than I have most adults in my life.

Although I have tons more that I would love to talk about, I do believe I am actually going to try to get dressed and pray that it somehow psychs my mind out into making me believe that i feel better! :) Promise there will be more to come because I definitely have to share the arrangatang story from the zoo! :) Ta-Ta for now!!

too much, yet too little

I know, I know, it's been a while!! And although nearly every single night I have opened up my blog with every intention of writing a new one, I have found myself just sitting here, staring at the blank page, speechless. How is it possible to have so much going on and so much to say, yet nothing to say all at the same time? Weird, I know. But now that I have my fingers flowing and my thinking turned on, the real situation and question at the moment is, where to begin?

I'm thinking there is no better way to start this blog other than just rambling off and starting somewhere. Anywhere. So with that being said, be patient and try to keep up because I have a feeling this one is going to be a rambler along with being very out of chronological order... :)

First, let me start with the job world. It is official. I am back into the working world, officially wearing my big girl panties once again in life. Don't get me wrong, I have loved staying at home and having the chance to be a stay at home mom and house wife, but at the same time, I have also secretly been wishing that I had a job. For one, the guilt of David having to work and work extremely long hours in a shit hole place has put guilt on me. I have felt as if maybe if I were working, he wouldnt have to work so much and for the fact that if I were working, it would give us extra money to do and have more in life. So what did I do? I found me a job! :) Upon starting this job, I had so much excitement and so much pride that I had actually gotten a job and was able to help out towards the family wants and needs but now, the excitement is over. The realization of having to get up and be somewhere every morning has kicked in. Call me lazy.. I really dont care. But anybody that has to do something and has to go to work knows exactly what I am referring to by this comment. Plus being used to having the day to do whatever I want, when I want has spoiled me rotten. Actually, scratch that. I really don't think it is the fact of having to get up and be somewhere every morning that bothers me, I believe it is the fact that I really am not pleased with the job I have. Don't get me wrong, I am forever grateful to have this job but it literally is the most boring job I have ever had in all my life. When I think of work, I think of running around like a chicken with its head cut off and think of actually working. Not just sitting in a chair, typing, and listening to people from around the world tell me about their problems. Sounds easy though right? Exactly. That is just the point that I am making. This job is entirely way too easy. So easy I actually feel as if I lose brain cells sitting in that very uncomfortable chair day in and out. This is the least challenging job I have had in all my life. Yes, the full 27 yrs of it! :) I'm not sure what exactly it is about this job that I dislike the most, but I know that I am keeping my eyes and ears open for other jobs to put in for. Actually, let me give you a little history about this job. I am in the new department which deals with activation, installation, and trouble shooting anti-virus protections. It's actually been said that it is the easiest department... but although easy is good, easy is boring. Plus, it is a new department. New means nobody knows what is going on and the rules change day in and day out. You go in one day and you are told one thing and then you do what you were told all to find out the next day that you are not supposed to be doing things that way. You literally don't know what the rules are going to be depending on the day. I myself can not stand that. I would think before they opened a new department, they would have it actually established a little bit. But hey- I guess that is why I am just a call agent and not a big dog in the building. What do I know right? ;) And of course, it never fails that when you get a job or something new is going on in your life, everything else around you seems to start happening and falling apart. Example... your child gets sick and you get sick. You go months with no problems but as soon as you have to be somewhere and do something, you get sick. Just my luck!! Im dead serious when I say this... if it is going to happen, it will happen to Kacie every time! Always! It's amazing because I have always said that I would love to have a job that I could dress nice for and that you could call an office job. Technically, I got my wish.... I sit there all day long. I type all day long. I talk on the phone all day long. And I get to dress nice every day. And I hate it. I'm not sure what the hate is in me when it comes to this job but I do know that I feel like it doesn't push my mind at all. A 10 year old could work this job with no problem I believe.

Okay, okay... I myself am getting tired of the bickering about the job so I will move on.

Working 9-6 sounds great, and I'm very thankful it is a day shift job and not 2nd shift or even worse, 3rd but getting off at 6 has really put a strain on me getting to spend time with Trenton. It seems like by the time I get home, all we have time for is homework, dinner, baths, and then bedtime. I feel like I haven't had the chance to spend any time with Trenton. And being that tuesday and wednesdays are my only days off, and I work every weekend, that really sucks!! That means Trenton and I don't get any "full" days together. Either he is at school part of the day, or I am at work part of the day which crushes me!! If you know me, or you know Trenton, you know that we are so dependent on each other it is almost scary. We thrive off of each other and need each other more than we need air it seems at times. So where I am getting at with this thought is that last week was my last saturday off until I possibly have the chance of a shift change..... and although it was Trenton's weekend at his dad's house, we were fortunate enough for his dad to say that he could stay with me that Friday night and spend the day with me that Saturday before his dad picked him up that evening. So yes, we took full advantage of our friday night and saturday together!! First, david, trenton and myself played Trent's R2D2 trouble game. Last year when Trenton got his birthday money, he picked this game out himself while telling me that he wanted us to have family game night. Trenton and I had played the game a few times together, but Friday was the first time all 3 of us played the game together. :) We had the best time playing his game! So much fun that David even asked if we all wanted to play the game a few other times through out the week before going to bed :D With every click of the bubble in the middle of the board game with the dice in it, R2 makes one of his little robot noises and Trenton thinks it is hilarious! To see him getting so tickled over the noises the game made, and him being so excited that he was winning and seeming to be the only one with any luck on rolling a 6 and getting another turn, it was precious!! We actually had so much fun playing the game, we couldn't let the fun stop there so Trenton dug out a ridiculous amount of legos and lincoln logs into the living room floor and he and I sat up until 3 am building a pokemon headquarters out of them. Although I was so sleepy I couldnt hardly hold my eyes open, I managed to make it and I couldn't be any happier about letting Trenton stay up so late! He and I were sitting in the floor working on the headquarters and Trenton reached over and put his little hand on my leg and said "this has been the best night ever hasn't it mama?" After asking him why he felt that way, he said "because mama, you have been at work and I haven't got to spend hardly any time with you but tonight it's just about us isn't it mama?" Talk about melting my heart!! I thought it was the sweetest thing to hear him be so appreciative of the time we were getting to spend together that night! Even when it was time for bed, he didn't want to be seperated from me so he grabbed his pillow pets and blankets from his bed, and he and I slept on the couch together. And even though it was 3 am and I was beyond tired, I figured why let the fun stop there? So while I made our bed on the couch, Trenton put in his favorite pokemon DVD in order to watch it together while falling asleep. Needless to say, I don't think either of us made it through the opening song before falling asleep. I believe as soon as Trenton's head hit his favorite pillow pet, he was out! For days after this, all I could think about was our Friday night together. It was perfect!! And apparently, it was the same way for Trenton because he is still talking about how much he enjoyed our night together and how he can't wait until we are able to do it again. And yes, you best believe we will be doing it again!! :) It's times like that I hope Trenton remembers and looks back on as an adult and sees how much I love him and how much he has always meant to me and always will mean to me. Grateful is nowhere near the word I am looking for to describe how I feel for having that little boy in my life.

So here it is a Sunday, and I was supposed to be at work at 9 and it is now 10:00. Yes, I know.. I'm disappointed in myself too. Yesterday I was so sick to my stomach all day nearly and when I woke up this morning, I was feeling the same way after being up and down all night with a stomach ache. So in order to make sure I would be good to go and not be sick to my stomach, I took a half point to stay home for 2 hours and make sure I would make it past whatever stomach issues I am having. Although it's not like I just called in to call in, and not like I just over slept or something and I can't really help what is going on, I am disappointed in the fact that i had to get a half point this morning. But- I guess thats what points, actually "occurrences" are there for right? Just sucks though when you just start a job and already are having to miss. But- I took some meds for my stomach, and so far so good for the time being. Now, lets just hope that it remains this way through out the day!! Nothing worst than feeling like crap, having a stomach ache, and working! Especially when you are on the phone with customers all day long... I mean, think about it. What are you really supposed to do in the middle of talking to a customer and you feel the sudden urge to run to the bathroom? lol Could be a bad situation! But still.. I feel bad missing.

I have a few minutes before heading out to go to work, so I'm going to take advantage of this moment of not doing anything and quit rambling since the rest of my day will consist of staring at a computer screen and listening to other people ramble about their pc problems! :) Wish me luck today and pray that it goes by fast!

To cha cha for words!

He is so darn good looking! He can just be chillin' in the car, all laid back and still look like a little GQ model! :) And how can we forget how cute he looked in this shirt this morning? Then again, he is ALWAYS cute in whatever he wears! I love the fact that he has always been very stylish and always worn "big boy clothes" as we have always called them. I love the grown look! Ya know, the faded, dingy, torn up jeans; as well as all of his button ups, sweaters, and too cha cha for words shoes! :) He is def too good looking for his own good! I will never forget when he was in preschool and I told him he was going to be a little heart breaker when he got older and he instantly got so tore up and started crying. Confused, I asked him what was wrong?" and he said "I dont want to be a heart breaker! I dont want to break hearts! Thats isnt not nice mommy!" :) cutest thing ever!! Yes, I had to turn my head to keep from him seeing me laugh over it. Anyways- it has been a while since I posted a new pic of him my little man on here and thought I would share this afternoons daily pic with everyone!! Have a great day!

Happy: a mother's dream

These past 2 days have been amazing for me! I have enjoyed this weather so much!! So much, I have managed to stay up beat and get my house cleaned, and be in the best mood! I actually enjoyed cleaning! Now, that is an accomplishment within its own! :)

This whole week has actually been good for me. I have dealt with missing Derek better this past week than I think I have thus far. Forever, I have wanted to feel and know he is still with me and I honestly think he has shown me that he is still there this week. When I was down and frustrated and needed a good feeling to overcome me more than anything, he gave it to me. He gave me the energy and strength to dig down deep and find it in me just as he always did when something was wrong. This whole time, he has been at my side but I was too upset that I couldn't actually "see" him at my side, that I made myself ignore the fact that he really is there. Plus, just as he always did, he has to step back and let me live life and experience it in my own ways or else it just wouldn't be my life, now would it? If there has ever been anyone in my life that has gotten me to dig down and find the strength within myself that I never knew existed at times, and if there has ever been a person to tell me to pick a fight and win it, it was Derek. Or should I say, it is Derek - he still does this.

Yesterday with Trenton Lane was amazing! He woke up in the best mood and after picking him up at school, he was still in the best mood ever! He was the sweetest little guy in the world! Not only did he manage to get a positive office referral at school, but he managed to get 2, not 1, but TWO caught being good tickets, a 105 % on his spelling test, and had the winning answer to win the knowledge game between the boys and girls! :) Talk about a good day!! And the best part, is that his good day didn't just stop right there. It continued when he got home. We played and played, and he rode his dirt bike, and we both were in a trance of being as carefree as possible. Yesterday was actually so good, I hated for it to end and it actually hurt my feelings it had to end as early as it did in order for him to have to get in the bed for school today. I truly have never in my life met a child like him, and I don't think I ever will. He is so smart, witty, imaginative, funny, and charasmatic! He is so understanding and loving of the things around him including the things he doesn't quite understand. Things I to this day will never understand. Last night when doing homework, he had to fill out a thinking web in order to help him write a personal narrative at school. In the middle of the web was his name, and from there is had sections with emotions listed. His job was to write something these emotions reminded him of. Here are a few examples of the things he wrote!....

1. Sad- "when Papa and D died"
2. Scared - "when i went to a haunted house"
3. Excited - "when I went on vacation"
4. Proud - "when I started riding my dirt bike super fast"
5. Tickled- "while watching Dinotopia and seeing (some character I dont know the name of) scream at the absolute top of his lungs

And the list goes on to about 10 or 12 different things, but the one that stuck out to me more than anything is the one that asked him about something that makes him happy. His answer "Every day of my life when I am with my mommy" :) Tell me now, how in the world is that not supposed to make me the proudest mommy in the world? Knowing that he wrote that with his little hands without anything influencing him on any suggestion towards it, absolutely made my day! Hell, it made my heart!! Just knowing that he enjoys his time with me just as much as I enjoy every minute with him means the world to me! I wouldn't trade this time and these moments with him for anything in this world! Not only did this melt my heart, but this let me know that I am in the right place, at the right time. All of this time that I have been accused of secluding myself and ignoring people, when I really havent, I have just been more focused on my home life than ever these past 3 years, let me know that it has never been the more right decision in my life. Deciding to put the past to the past, and looking towards what was to come, and looking towards focusing my time on one thing in particular and not forcing it to be shared with a ton of other things in my life, my home, is the best thing I could ever do. I used to be the type of person that enjoyed getting out all of the time, and enjoyed visiting people. I was always looking for something new to try out and for something to add a little excitement in my life. And sure there was nothing wrong with that being Trenton went to his dad's every other weekend, and a day or two every other week, but after a custody battle over Trenton and after me thinking I was doing the right thing for almost 2 years by letting Trenton visit his grandparents, and his dad anytime they asked. If they asked, regardless of whether or not I wanted him to go, and regardless of whether or not I had plans with him, I never told them no. I wanted him to have the chance to be close to his family and to experience having grandparents around in order to be close to unlike I had growing up because one lived hundreds of miles away, and the others passed away while I was super young. But after this backfired in my face and I was accused of just letting him go anywhere and everywhere, and it literally scaring Trenton to death that he was no longer going to get to see me because of certain people threatening him with those words, my thoughts and feelings on what fun was in life changed. Since then, I have hardly done a lot of anything. Sure when he is at his dad's, I sometimes I get out with people but for the most part, when he is gone, my weekends consist of me sitting at home wishing Trenton was there with me. For a long time I held a lot of resentment and hatred towards the people that caused this scare in mine and Trenton's life, but in the past year I have really been able to step back and put things into perspective. How can I be mad and hold a grudge towards the ignorance of another human being when in the end, they just made my life work out better in my favor? I mean, how can I be upset being it brought Trenton and I that much closer. We were already close, but after that we were hundreds time closer and have remained to get closer ever since. Scaring us both into thinking we were no longer going to have each other, made us both appreciate our time together. I know had all of that not happened, Trenton and I would not have the extra special bond that we have now. And I know now that I have focused my time and energy on just the right place and person after reading what he had to say about what made him happy.

The past 2 days I have just had an overwhelming feeling of love in my heart for the things and people that I appreciate most. I don't think I have felt this thankful in a very long time, and I am going to make sure I continue to count my blessings every day! My blessings, the people and things that I love and care for most. Friends, family, and my life in general. I'm actually so very thankful right now that I have never been one to be conceited or stuck on myself and my life. Had I been, I would not continue to look for things to better it and myself, and if you no longer continue to look for these things, then you come to a stand still that will eventually spiral out of control and lead you to wondering who you really are to begin with. Something no person should ever have to face, or even think but something so many do.

But, while this weather is beautiful, and the day is still strong, I am going to do some fall decorating to go with my fall cleaning. I love the feeling of the crisp air and beautiful colors. And like I have the past 2 days of my life especially, I am going to go be the best that I can be for myself and the people around me!! This feeling is too good to pass up!!

Let time tell the tale. Act 2.

So after writing my other blog post a minute ago, I have done some thinking. I do not believe it was right for me to do that but while doing it, I was trying to make a point. A point in the matter that all of this time that this friend has wrote blogs about me and continued to write status updates about me but felt no wrong in it because she didn't say my name in it, I wanted her to see exactly how it felt. I did exactly what she did. I said what was on my mind, and what was going on but I didn't say any names. I know two wrongs do not make a right but I wanted her to realize how it makes me feel when she does this to me. And being I have talked and talked to her about her doing this and she has never seen where I was coming from, I felt as though maybe this would be the eye opener as to my main problem.

Do I really want her completely out of my life? No, I don't. But I dont understand as to what other option we have at this point. How can you keep talking and talking about the same things and nothing ever change about it and eventually not get exhausted of it and the thought of it? Someone please tell me how I am supposed to keep doing this? I dont know anybody else that would keep this going for years and years and not get tired of it. Most people would actually have already snapped over it and been very hurtful towards the person but I honestly do not want to hurt this girl. That is where I am having such a tug of war with my emotions. Sure I have things I think I would like to say, but I know that it will upset her and hurt her and I dont want to do that at all. Plus, I dont want to have to feel guilty knowing I intentionally hurt her because I have felt guilty over saying what I did to her that one and only time. Even if I am in the right about something and speak my mind, once I calm down, I always feel guilty over it afterwards. One thing about me, I have a tender heart. I may act as if things dont bother me and that I am tough, but things hurt my feelings super easy and I am harder on myself than anybody else could ever be to me. Maybe thats why when someone is being hard on me, it effects me so harshly? Because trust me, I am my own worst enemy. I know I am not perfect and I know what I could do in order to make myself better and to change things about myself, and dont need anybody else to remind me of these things that I constantly think about.

I have always had a problem with being slick at the mouth and have a tongue that will cut someone down pretty bad but as I have gotten older, I find it harder and harder for me to be that way. I believe that is a good thing though. I actually think about other people and their feelings before I think about myself and my feelings of what they have done to hurt me. It takes a hell of a lot to get me to speak up and blow my lid. And although when I do, I may be right and I may be in the wrong, those few seconds of feeling relieved and feeling as though an elephant has been lifted off of my chest, within 20 minutes i have so much remorse and guilt for saying and acting that way, it really isn't worth it to me. That is why I decided it was best just to walk away from this situation and let it be what it is. I dont want the bad side of me to come out and I dont want to be the cause of her bad side coming out. But that plan has backfired on me big time. By me saying that, it has just brought out an uglier side each and every time I get a new message. I just dont know what to do about it. I want to be what we used to be. I would love nothing more than to have what we used to have. But how much can you try and for how long can you try until you realize that it is not being allowed to happen? She admits that she didn't allow it to happen for a while, and after trying for so long, I am a quitter. I'm not going to deny the fact that I am easily pushed away and that after trying and not seeing progress at something, I give up. If I see no progress being made at whatever it is I am doing, I quit wasting my time on it.

I miss what we used to have. I used to feel so lucky to have a friend like her. One that I honestly thought would be there with me through thick and thin for the rest of my life. I know friends come and go but I never dreamed she would be one that would go. But when she told me that she felt like she could send me these messages and hash everything out, she thought it would be like always and that I would let it go and we would go back to what we were before, I felt as though she was taking advantage of me forgiving people. I felt as though if she knew I would have a problem with it and it would cause us to not be anything to each other, she would have thought twice about saying hurtful things to me and throwing things up at me that are irrelevant and none of her business. In other words, I felt like she was using my emotions to her advantage.

And since I am on a roll of spilling how I feel about things and what I think, Im just going to go on and put this out there. Maybe that in itself is a problem with her. I used to tell her every single thing going on in my life and look to her for guidance about certain situations, and since I no longer do that, maybe that bothers her. Maybe the fact that she really doesnt know anything about me and my life anymore bothers her. I can only assume this but it's just a thought. Maybe she misses actually knowing me and instead of just coming out and saying that she uses anger as her ammo in a battle. Instead of telling how she actually feels, she plays it off as though it pisses her off. But what do you do when she does get upset with you and uses everything you ever told her against you? It makes me not want to tell her much about myself or life anymore because when I tell her, it later gets thrown up at me and if you knew something would be held over your head at a later time, why would you even put yourself on the line like that? I have never said she has not been there for me when I needed someone, but when she gets mad she always, always, always brings up what she has been there for me through and what i havent been there for her about. Well, if someone is going to hold something over my head and use it against me later on in life, I'd rather not have you there at that moment. That is one thing I am not guilty of. I do not do anything and then use it against someone later on. If i do something for someone, I do it because I want to and regardless of how my feelings change towards a person, I still did it because I cared about them and because I wanted to and I dont feel like I deserve an award for it and feel as if that person owes me something in life for it.

I know what we had in the past, and so does she. Its obvious that for a long time all we have both wanted from each other was to have what we once had. But after so long of things being the way they are now, the past is slowly becoming what we have now and not what we once had. And in the past I have expressed that I miss hanging out, and I miss calling and doing things and I miss the way things used to be. And maybe it is my fault for feeling this way, but after so long and none of that happening and then me mentioning it and all of a sudden she is breaking her neck to call and hang out and stuff, I felt as though it was fake. Felt as if I hadn't brought it up that she wouldn't be doing it and I still wouldn't be on her mind. I wanted to talk and hang out because we wanted to. Not because she felt obligated to. Of course this is my opinion and feelings on this and I am not saying that is the way it was by no means on her part, but it just made me feel that way. Yes she calls, and no i hardly answer. But that is not just her. I am not a phone person. I used to be, and lord did I used to be but I hardly ever talk to anyone on the phone and hardly even have my phone at my side. A lot of the time, I am busy and have every intention of calling people back but as the day goes on, it doesnt really slow down and I just never get around to it. It doesnt mean I dont want to talk to them or that I am ignoring them. As I have gotten older, I have just came to the conclusion that people change, and our lifestyles change. And that is perfectly normal and not out of the ordinary.

But one thing I dont get about people is when they think that just because they are a certain way that everybody else has to be and should be that way too. Just because I would do this or that in a certain situation, does not mean that is what they would do and does not mean that is what would be best for them as their own person in the situation. But what really gets me, is when people don't see it that way. Im not saying I am right and everyone should think like me at all, but i am saying that everybody is different. Everybody has lived and been brought up differently and whether they realize it or not, it carries on with them as they get older. What is expected and normal for one person may be the total opposite for another. This is why I dont take it to heart and dont let my feelings get hurt when someone doesn't do what I think they should do or doesn't do what I think I would do. But it does upset me when someone can not see that point and still acts as if what they do is the right way and no other way is acceptable.

I told her that I was done and I was walking away from this friendship with no hard feelings. Obviously it is not as easy for me as I thought it would be. I dont want problems between us, and I dont not want her in my life at all. But I also dont want the friendship that we have had this past year. If i cant have the best of her, I dont want any of her. I dont like the ugly side of her and I know she has a much, much better side to her. I've seen it and she has proved it to me numerous times through the past years. And I guess that is where my delima is coming into play. I am not a materialistic person and have never felt as though I have to have the best of anything in order to be happy. But I do know that I only want the best of her and if I can't have that, I dont want any of it. I dont want to have her around and be continuously reminded that she has changed, and be reminded of what we once were, and then left with all of these thoughts and emotions running through my mind and heart wondering why I cant have her at her best like I used to be able to. So what do you do? Do you let go and move on and hope that one day things will be the same again? Stay friends with the same hope of things being the same again? Or remain friends and act as if nothing ever happened and just accept the fact that things will never be the same again? Or finally, remain friends, accept it for what it is right now and pray that it will get better and be what it once was and take that chance on getting it back one day hopefully?

Maybe all of these thoughts and feelings I am experiencing towards her right now are things I have held in for too long. Like i mentioned before, I know how she gets when she is upset therefore I have always tippy toed around eggshells to make sure I didn't cause her to get that way. And by tippy toeing on these eggshells, it forced me to let go of a lot of things that bothered me and forced me to act as if a lot of it never happened because I always felt that it wasnt worth bringing up something so little at the time and starting a fight over it when if I just held it in and let it go, I'd eventually get over it and by just pretending as though it never bothered me, we wouldn't have any problems from me bringing it up. So maybe a lot of this is those tiny little things I held in over the years that were once tiny but after letting them build up in me for years, literally, they have now turned into something big in my heart and mind.

I know I have went on and on about this, but that obviously shows that it really is bothering me and that walking away is not as easy on me as I thought it would be. I think I just proved to myself that I really dont want to just walk away and forget about her. But this has also proved to me that I can not handle the stress of this all of the time and expect this to be happening every month between us. I was laying in bed last night and I literally prayed about this. Prayed that she will find peace with whatever it is that keeps her holding onto all of this, and prayed for God to lead me in the right direction and to take the right path and make the right decision about all of this. I know he heard me, and I hope he realizes how urgent this prayer is to me and my emotions. One way or another, she and I are going to have to figure out the right medium we need in order to solve this for both of us. I know it is bothering her because after sitting here and thinking, were it not bothering her, she wouldnt have sent so many messages to me about it. Had she not cared,she would have never sent the messages and if I didnt care, I would have never responded. Even though I saw I was over it and done with it, if I didnt care i wouldnt have even sent a message to tell her that. I would have ignored each and every one of them.

So now that I have went on and on about this, I am going to try and give my brain a break from it. For 2 days now, I have read and reread the messages between us and been so confused, hurt, and irritated with it all that I have let it take over my thinking and emotions. By me letting it get the best of me, when the time comes, I will not be able to be my best to her when and if we actually get to talk about it to each other. So for your sanity, my sanity, and the hopes of resolving this matter, I will do you a favor and stop with the personal problems!!

:)

Let time tell the tale

So what do you do when you become so mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted with something in your life? You usually try to eliminate your problem and exit out of the situation as fast as possible in order to try and keep some of your sanity. But what do you do when you have a long history with what has no become one of the biggest issues in your life?

For a while now, I have had problems from someone whom I once cared about more than anybody else. We had so much fun together and it was never ending laughter between the two of us. But as time has went on, I honestly dont even know this person anymore. I have no clue as to what goes on in her mind other than everything that she sits and finds wrong with me. I have been through a lot when it comes to a lot of friends, and have often found myself knowing that they really arent friends. But being the forgiving person I am, I always find it in me to give them just once more chance. It seems as though no matter what somebody does to me, when I look at them, I still see what I saw in them in the beginning of first meeting them and forget about what they have done to me since then. A lot of people tend to think I am crazy for being this way and crazy for giving these people chance after chance, but I have to admit, I would much rather be a forgiving person and knowing that I hold no hatred in my heart than someone who holds grudges towards someone for the rest of my life.

Now for a little past information on my situation. This person that I am referring to has a major problem with being very spiteful, and revengeful. She tends to forget about what she does in order to make someone snap and lose their mind towards her. Actually, she doesn't forget. She just finds no wrong in her doings but when you lash back at her, she is quick to let everyone know the "horrible" things you said to her. About 5 years ago, after a night of constant harassing text from her, I finally could no longer take it and called her a name I never should have. One that I knew would hurt her feelings but never tried to keep myself from doing just that. What is right of me to do this even though she had been calling me names and sending awful text messages to me for hours that day? No. But one can only take so much until they snap and can no longer take it anymore. Did I forgive her for what all she said to me that day? Yes. Because although it made me mad, what good was it going to do for me to hold onto it for the rest of my life? None whatsoever. Has she let go of what I said? No. Wanna know how I know? Because she has never tried to be the same towards me since then. Her not being the same towards me since then would not bother me in the least bit if we had not tried to remain friends afterwards. But how can you be friends with someone who won't open up and allow you to be that friend again? How is it right for you to get the blame for everything and she take none? It's not.

So after some plans were failed for Saturday which were not intentionally done on my part. I start receiving these text messages again. Then comes the hundreds of messages sent to me on facebook. Pages of messages sent. Oddly enough, none of it was anything to really do with what happened Saturday. It was all messages telling me what I do wrong in life, and how I am a nobody pretty much. She is continuing to bring up things that have absolutely nothing to do with this situation. Slurs are being thrown about things she is clueless about. truthfully, I actually got the giggles from one of them because the stuff written in it were so irrelevant to anything going on. I actually was not even going to respond to her at all, but after reading what she had to say to me and about me and my life and realizing that she is clueless about every ounce of it and was just making a fool out of herself, I felt that I had every right to defend myself. Of course with her there is no such thing as being able to defend yourself. It just gives her lead way to come back and say something else to you because lord knows there is no such thing as anybody getting the last word if it isnt her getting it.

This past year, these messages have happened at least every month and quite frankly I am over it and I have never been so tired of anything in my life. It does no good to try and talk to her about it. And even when I told her that I was done and that I didn't care anymore because she has pushed me not to care, she still can not just accept that. I mean, people grow up. And people out grow each other. I considered her my best friend at one time, but honestly, no friend causes the stress and heartache she continuously puts on me. She knows about nothing going on in my life but still feels that she has every right to talk about it and throw it up at me even when she is so wrong it is not even funny. This whole thing is so childish and immature to me. I actually feel like I am losing brain cells each and every time I read one of the new 10 page messages she sends to me. It is so stupid, I honestly have to think about what it is that I am even supposed to respond back to.

What does being mad at me have to do with me going to school and how I do in school? What does it have to do with what happened while I was in cosmetology school? What does it have to do with her kids and how she raises them? What does it have to do with me forgiving anybody that has done something to me in the past? What does me not working have to do with it right now? Seriously. I would really like to know what in the hell any of this has to do with her being mad at me for not going somewhere with her saturday night? To me, it doesn't.

How do you continue to deal with this? I can't even handle the thought of this being this way for the rest of my life. It is doing nothing but pushing me away, and has pushed me away. To me, the hassle and fussing back and forth is not worth it anymore. it's not like we are inseperable as we once were so I know I can live my life just fine without her as a part of it and I am to the point that I no longer care if she is a part of it or not. I actually think things would be a lot better for me because I wouldn't have to walk on eggshells in fear of making her mad. You're supposed to be able to be open and honest with friends and not feel as though you have to watch your every move around them and have to watch making them mad because they will write status updates about you on facebook. She tends to think that because she doesn't put my name then it is no big deal. She has also wrote blogs about me. And although I am writing this blog, let me assure you this is the first time I have ever done such a thing but my brain is seriously in such an overload towards her that I have to do something before I totally snap at her and give her something to really hold against me for the next 5 years.

The only thing she has said to me these past few days is how great her life is without me and how great she has it and how bad of a life I have and how I am such a nobody. Ok, well if that is the case then what does she even care what I do? You would think if one is so great and mighty that it would be nothing for her to just let all of this go and leave me alone. And that is the thing, I actually dont want to argue with her. I dont even want to talk to her. I just want to walk away without being enemies but after sending me messages bitching me out and putting me down, then sending messages apologizing, and then sending a message that is talking about anything and everything that is totally irrelevant to anything to do with me, how in the world am I supposed to feel? I feel like I have been reading messages from a 3 headed polly parrot that doesn't know its ass from a hole in the ground. I'm actually so confused as to what her point is behind all of this I cant even start to think of what it could be to even try and explain it to you.

So what do I do? Do I say okay I forgive you and not mean it, or do I stick to me gut and just walk away from this. Let it be what it is and never look back. Although I normally do end up talking to people again and forgiving them, if this girl really knew me anymore, she would know that I am well over all of that. I may forgive them, but I dont just run back to being their friend again. I am sick and tired of letting people walk on me and me taking the blame in order to just keep the controversy down about it all. And after reading some of the things she wrote to me, and after her bringing up my brother's death to me, I could honestly care less if we ever mend this. I am exhausted. This friendship has exhausted me in the past year and I have came to the decision that I dont need it. My mind doesnt need it, and my life doesnt need it. There is no reason in keeping up this pretending game that we are what we once were and i no longer care to try and pretend. But why in the world can she just not accept it as what it is and be done also?

Im rambling, and these messages these past 4 days have literally left my mind so jumbled up I cant even describe what is going on anymore. I almost so tempted to copy and paste those messages to this blog just so that everyone can look at them and know that I am not just being crazy about this.  And just so you can see what I am talking about when I say that it is so childish, stupid, immature, and that she is just sticking her foot in her mouth and making a fool out of herself by bringing up things she has no clue about. No matter what I say back to her, and how I word it, she takes it as me throwing something up at her. So it does no good with me even trying to communicate any of this back to her. Example: when she brought up she goes to school and she does good in school, I replied with the fact that I had no clue what that has to do with anything and that I didnt know what she was talking about because the only time I have ever gotten a bad grade in college is when Derek died. And unlike her, what she does in school is not any of my business hence why I didn't get mad and talk about her making F's her first time around in school. So guess what? She took that as me throwing her school up at her which lead her to throwing even more up at me when in all honesty I was not. I was just proving a point that I have never said anything about it ever in my life because what she does in school is not any of my business and therefore she doesnt need to talk about things dealing with me that she knows nothing about and things that are none of her business. I even told her that was what I meant behind that but of course it was just something else for her to bring up and find something else to throw at me. So what am I supposed to do in this lose/lose situation? Walk away. Definitely. is she going to allow it? Obviously not. One thing is for sure though, I am ready for it to stop, and for her to be gone before I end up hurting people's feelings to the extreme. I may be a forgiving person, but I am also the type that takes it and takes it and when I've had enough, I have had enough. And I promise you, i have had enough in this situation and with this person!! 

same worries, new term, & present promises

Any other semester, I have always been excited to be going back to school. Although I am lucky enough to have a husband that wants to work hard enough so I don't have to work and am lucky enough to be a stay at home mom, it does indeed sometimes gets boring and school becomes exciting in the event of getting to actually use my brain again, and have something to do during my days other than be at home. Everyone knows that last semester nearly killed me after my brother passed away. I like to have never finished it out, and didn't finish it with exactly the highest grades but I stuck it out, and had never been so thankful to see a semester end. So thankful that I actually hesitated this summer about signing back up for this semester but I figured if I didn't go back, i probably never would go back [That is usually how it works right?]. So after some deep thought, there I was. Standing at the counter asking to make an appointment with my counselor to enroll for classes. Now, just after the first day of classes for me, why am I not so excited this semester? I already am so unmotivated about it. I know, horrible way to start this term out huh? But what do you do in my situation? It obviously not a secret that I have been going through some MAJOR depression from Derek's death and am still having a hard time with it. No matter what I do, or what I try, nothing has been helping me with it. The impossible is the only thing possible to get me out of this right now and that is to have him back. Obviously not an option, so yeah... what do ya do??

Yesterday, I was nothing more than a hot mess before going to class. For a few nights in a row now, I have had the worst nightmares about Derek and have woke up on edge feeling as if I am going to go into a full blown panic attack any moment. Yesterday, after waking up in this panicky fright, I absolutely could not shake that dream for nothing!! I thought about it and thought about it all day long. For hours before class started, and as soon as I got up, I was crying. It's really weird because I start crying when I think about Derek but after a few hours I am crying because I cant stop crying. I mean really, who wants to sit and cry for hours and have snot filled tissues soaked with tears laying beside of them, and a headache that feels like your head is going to explode from pressure in your brain [the one we all get from crying] and swollen eyes? Nobody. Well, nobody in their right mind I suppose.

My next worry... with the way I am off and on everyday dealing with this, and having days to where I literally just sit in my pajamas and cant seem to find it in me to do anything due to being so down, what do I do on days like that and I have class? The answer is easy. Go. But trust me, it really isn't that easy when you are in this situation funk. Obviously, I am going to have no other choice other than to go if I want to do better than I did last semester. I don't know, maybe I am bringing up more worries than I need to worry about at this moment when it comes to this semester. Suppose I just take it with stride and take it on a daily basis. Already, this morning I am not looking forward to the day ahead of me but would I feel any better at all skipping out and staying at home? Absolutely not. At least getting up and going is doing just that. Getting me up and going. Somewhere... Suppose I get up and go [even though I feel as if it just isn't in me today] and it turns out to be an awesome day? If I sit at home and do nothing with myself, I certainly am not going to have the chance of it turning out to be a good day. Actually, I believe it would turn out to be worst by just deciding not to go. Not only would I sit here and be depressed, but I would feel as if not only am I letting David down [he is so proud that I am back in school and is very stern about needing to go and do good because not everybody has the opportunity to go back and I should be thankful for the chance to do so :)] but I am letting myself down, and I would have that natural guilt in me. Ya know, the guilt you have when you know you should be doing something but you don't out of sheer laziness? Exactly! So maybe this insight I am having this morning is the way I need to look at everyday this semester. Surely, keeping these thoughts and emotions into check this term will help me to go, do good, and feel accomplished for the first time in months. Plus, my brother was my biggest cheerleader when it came to going to school. I know he would be upset if I quit because of him... I know he would want me to continue to excel in life. And yes, I know this to be a fact. <3

On a finishing note, yesterday I received a message that said " Help me to be thankful today for all that God has given me, for all that he has taken away from me, and for all that he has left me". The more I think about that message, the more I am starting to believe it. I needneed to be thankful that I was blessed enough to have Derek in my life compared to never having him at all and never knowing him. I need to be thankful for the memories that I am able to have of Derek. So many NEEDS come to mind the more I reflect on that message. So many things I need to keep in mind on a regular basis! Now, I 'need' to get ready for class and conquer this day. I will get prettied up with make up and jewelry, and I will walk into that building with a smile on my face, and wait and see, I will have one on me when I walk out this afternoon! Promise! ;)

Live for the MO....ment.

There is an amazing thing that makes us adults quite different from our kids. Although you would assume that being older, you have been through more, lived more, experienced more therefore making you more acceptable to the hardships of life since you understand that everything doesn't always go your way in life. Assuming is where you mess up. Although we all go through the hardships of what life can bring, none of us seem to be prepared for when it happens. We get something in our head about the way it should and is supposed to be done or happen, and if that goes off route, then we seem as if our whole world has fell apart. The thing that separates us from kids is the fact that kids are resilient. Yes this is a fact. As a child it doesn't matter what is tossed to them or at them, they have the ability to find the good in the day, or even in the moment, put a smile on their face and live the rest of the day for what it is worth and not what it has started as. Today, my son proved this to me.

First, let me back you up to about a week ago. Trenton and I were at out usual after school hang out, Jr foods, to buy our usual after school snack, jungle juice and winter fresh gum, and Trenton asked me if he could pay for his juice and gum. Thinking that he was asking me if he could hand the cashier "my" money, I said, "sure!' Before I knew it, he had threw his snacks onto the counter, took off running to the car (with me going behind him yelling "what are you doing?!") and came back with his little wallet from his backpack that he uses to carry his snack money in. There he was taking his dollar bills intended for snack money at school out his wallet, and paying for his own snack. In my mind I got so tickled over it because I thought bless his heart, he doesn't realize that I am going to have to put those dollars right back in it for the rest of the week. But, I did just think this and made sure I didn't say it because I by far did not want to ruin the moment for Trenton.

The day after our adventure of wanting to pay for snacks by himself, Trenton, out of the blue, came into the living room and said "Hey mommy! I have an idea! I should get a paper route on Nana's street, and you should go sell lemonade in town and David can just go to work like he does and we will be rich!" :) Too freaking cute!!! And as the days went on, he was dead serious about getting a paper route on Nana's street. Dead serious to the point he had planned and plotted every bit of it out in his mind. He was going to take his bike to Nana's house, I was to drop him off there in the afternoons, and he would begin riding his bike with his paper satchel at his side and ride his bike one handed so he could toss the newspapers in the yards for the neighbors. But unfortunately, there is no hope of this paper route dream coming true being The Glasgow Daily Times is no longer delivering papers and are being mailed in (from what I understand).

Now, to Thursday. Trenton was showing my friend Barbie how fast he can ride his dirt bike now and how brave he has gotten (yes, she had to turn her head because of being so nervous watching him rip and roar with the throttle pinned going up and down the street and through the fields! lol). After showing off and doing his "stunts" for Barbie, I told him to take one more ride up the street and to ride it back down to put up for the evening. While standing in the driveway to make sure he was coming right back down, I saw him pull over into the gravel make-shift driveway of the house they are building up at the top of our street and start talking to the owners of it that were up there checking on the progress of it. Of course, I had to boot scoot up there to make sure he wasn't bothering anybody, and when walking up, Trenton was asking the man if he had anything he could help him with that would pay him at least 2 dollars a day in order to buy his own jungle juice. The man told Trenton that he could use some help getting the trash and shingles up off the ground and that he would be up there on Saturday and Sunday and to look for his truck to go up the road and when he saw it, to come on up and help. Excited. Understatement! Trenton jumped on his dirt bike and got it in the garage as soon as possible and came running in the house yelling "David!! I got a job! I got a job!" At dinner that night, this new job was by far the most popular topic at the dinner table! :)

And on to today and the point of my story  

After Trenton's ambitions of what he was going to turn into today, I stood at the door and watched him run as fast as he could up the street to the house where that famous truck was sitting. What seemed like forever to me because I kept wondering if he was really up there working or if he was just possibly in the way, but after being reminded by David to let go and let him out from under my wing for a moment in life, and not to go up there because it will just throw him off and make him feel like he really isn't at work, I sat here at the house peeking out the door for the next 2 hours until I heard the door open while standing in the bedroom, and heard his little feet pounding against the floor beneath him the whole way through the house until he found me in the house. One look, and I knew he had been put to work! His face was blood red, his hair looked as if he hadn't drank his water but had poured it over his head, and he was covered from head to toe in dirt. There in his hands were his little work gloves, and his jug of water with only a small piece of an ice chunk left in the bottom, and some money. He was so excited to tell me about his first day of work! He told me about the snake they saw when they lifted up the big concrete block which the man picked up with a stick and tossed into the field, how the man referred to him as "mate" (Trenton didn't realize the man was from Australia), and how he and the man took a break on a concrete block in the shade under the tree and they both drank water. Then, OF COURSE, he had to show off the money he made to me and David. A whopping 3 dollars!! I made sure I didn't react in a negative way about it in front of Trent because he was too proud of earning that money for me to ruin it with my grown up attitude but 3 dollars? Seriously? I figured at least $5!

I seriously almost felt sorry for him! It was kind of pitiful... the more I thought about an 8yr old being so excited to go to work when so many adults WONT work and you CANT get to work,  and him out there in the sun working his little tail off and only getting paid $3, the more I felt sorry for him. And what made me feel even more sorry for him was the fact that he was so excited over those 3 one dollar bills, that he never stopped to think of the sheer principal behind it. Apparently, I wasn't the only one that saw 3 dollars as not being fit, because after about 15 minutes of sitting here thinking and talking about it, David yelled for Trenton to come into the living room where he was. When he got in there David said "Trenton, I'm really proud of you today. You gave someone your word, got up and didn't try to wiggle your way out of it, and went to work like a man with a positive attitude and stuck it out until the job was done, so I am going to give you $2 for every $1 you earned, and a dollar bonus (making it to where he had an even $10 that he earned). Hearing David tell him this and seeing David get his wallet out and seeing what kind of smile it brought onto Trenton's face, it made my day. I then felt that Trenton had been treated the right way. Normally, I am not a person that is concerned with money (other than having to pay bills, but who isn't? I'm referring to the point on who has money and who doesn't, I could care less. Money doesn't make you. You make money!) but knowing how excited Trenton was and how he kept the most positive attitude I believe I have ever seen out of a kid, my attitude towards those dollar bills wasn't like it usually is. Sure, I know this is wrong of me to feel this way, but every mother wants the BEST and ONLY the BEST for their child so ya can't hate me for that! :) Luckily, every one's emotions were kept in check and no mixed messages were sent about the day and its adventure ( a huge one for Trenton).

Fortunately, through every left hook that is thrown at you, there is always something to take from it and make it a good thing. Today, watching Trenton be so positive over something that I thought was wrong in a way, and knowing that Trenton knows $3 is not a lot of money and it won't buy much, but seeing him keep the best attitude with the biggest smile, turned my attitude around. Why be sour about it? Trenton wanted a job, which he took seriously and took upon himself to find (rare! lol), he kept his word and got up early to make sure he didn't miss a moment of work (he told me when he got up the hill to the truck he asked the man "am I right on time?" *makes me smile every time I think about him saying that!*, and he put forth everything in him in order to do a good job and to get the job done. Why in the world would I not be completely satisfied? The feeling it gave Trenton along with the feeling of how absolutely proud I am of him is something that money will never be able to buy. What more could I possibly ask for out of this situation? It might not have went as my mind had planned for it to go, and I am sure it was different than what Trenton had pictured it being like in his own little mind, but it allowed each of us to have our own special feeling for the day. Me- proud. Very Proud. Trenton- accomplished. David- shocked (he didn't think he would get up and go today and that he would back out of it once he realized how hot it would be outside) :) Guess Trenton showed him!!!! :D

P.S. If I got a little cooky and confusing to you, I apologize! I was trying to type this while a million other things were going on and had to walk away from it for hours at a time before being able to get it finished unlike where I am usually glued to it until it's finished that way my thinking stays on track and doesnt get too totally off on ya!! 

The homework blues

Growing up, I got my behind spanked (usually with a switch I had to pick out myself not knowing that the smaller ones actually do not save your behind, they hurt it even worse). My homework (which in elementary school I hardly had any) was to be done as soon as I walked through the door. When it was bed time, I did not argue but went to bed and knew better than to think about getting up (except for the one night I woke up hungry and instead of just walking to the kitchen like a normal being would, I felt it necessary to scoot down the hallway on my belly in attempt to make it to the fridge to get a slice of cheese. Repeatedly. Hence, probably why I got caught in action doing this.) And while having a tantrum or a moment of picking on each other between my brother and I in the backseat of the car, I wasn't fussed at to "stop!", my mom simply would reach around the seat and pinch the holy goodness out of your leg. One of those pinches that literally stops you in your tracks and straightens your tail out instantly. And among all of this, I grew up fine somewhat okay. I have never been in trouble (except for the time Trenton's dad and step mom refused to let me have him when it was time to come home and told me they were keeping him in which then made me go ape shit and get arrested for disorderly conduct BUT thankfully, I was cleared of those charges so technically, no, I have never been in trouble.) But you get the point :)

People always tend to think that because you were raised one way, that is how you will end up raising your child. Although I have instilled some of these qualities as a mother, there are others that I have not. I am probably wrong when it comes to this thought but it seems as though when I was growing up and was picking my own switches off the bush by the house, my parents showed no remorse of wrapping that flimsy little twig around my leg. I on the hand, have always scolded Trenton and got him when he needed it but as any mother would, I have to brag on the little guy by saying that he really is such a sweet child. I cant remember the last time I actually had to "spank" him. I dont think past 3 years old has it happened. For the most part, he listens to me and we have no problems. But at his ripe little age of 15 8, he is starting to come into his own. He knows what he wants, what he absolutely doesn't and what he is willing to work with ya on. And last night, after a hectic afternoon of Nana coming over, cleaning his room, having dinner, and taking a shower, homework was the last thing on the list before going to bed. But instead of having homework on his mind, bed was. After getting onto him a few times and telling him to pay attention and quit daydreaming and get it done, and after this going on for about 20 minutes and him only actually completing 3 problems (math is his strong point. Never have I had to see him count on his fingers to add 3 numbers together, etc...unlike me. I still use my fingers at times!) I finally had just gotten fed up. I told him to either get it done, or go to bed now and go to school without your homework done and sit inside at recess in study hall and do it", thinking this would forewarn him of what his consequences would be and scare him into going on and getting it done. Wrong! He decided he would much rather go to bed. So, off to bed he went. Where he never got back up for any reason at all like normally where he would have to tell me something or ask me something every few minutes until finally getting the point that his questions will be there in the morning, and so will I. (hopefully) After putting him to bed, I had a horrible guilt in me that he would be in trouble at school today so I had this bright idea that I would be sure to get him up early enough this morning that he would have time to get it done before school. Guess what? Nope. He wasn't having it! He refused to do it this morning insisting that it was going to be my fault that he did not get it done because I "yelled" at him last night over it and hurt his feelings. First, I did not "yell" I was firm!! Big difference!! So with him being as stubborn and hard headed as his mother, why do I feel guilty that he is now going to have to sit out from playing with his new friends during recess, and he now will get a note written in his agenda. Getting notes written in their daily agenda is a big deal because they are only allotted so many notes a month and if they get more than that number, then they are not allowed to go to the score party at the end of the month (a celebration party for doing good in school). Maybe it's just the motherly instinct of wanting your child to be the best and have the best coming out? But at the same time, I have a feeling that by sticking to my guns, he might learn his lesson and listen to me when I say it needs to be done and it is time to be done. Who knows? Being a parent, you just never know what the outcome of your decisions and choices will be. One thing is for sure, I wouldn't have it any other way. Even if it meant he wasn't so hard headed and opionated! :)