same worries, new term, & present promises

Any other semester, I have always been excited to be going back to school. Although I am lucky enough to have a husband that wants to work hard enough so I don't have to work and am lucky enough to be a stay at home mom, it does indeed sometimes gets boring and school becomes exciting in the event of getting to actually use my brain again, and have something to do during my days other than be at home. Everyone knows that last semester nearly killed me after my brother passed away. I like to have never finished it out, and didn't finish it with exactly the highest grades but I stuck it out, and had never been so thankful to see a semester end. So thankful that I actually hesitated this summer about signing back up for this semester but I figured if I didn't go back, i probably never would go back [That is usually how it works right?]. So after some deep thought, there I was. Standing at the counter asking to make an appointment with my counselor to enroll for classes. Now, just after the first day of classes for me, why am I not so excited this semester? I already am so unmotivated about it. I know, horrible way to start this term out huh? But what do you do in my situation? It obviously not a secret that I have been going through some MAJOR depression from Derek's death and am still having a hard time with it. No matter what I do, or what I try, nothing has been helping me with it. The impossible is the only thing possible to get me out of this right now and that is to have him back. Obviously not an option, so yeah... what do ya do??

Yesterday, I was nothing more than a hot mess before going to class. For a few nights in a row now, I have had the worst nightmares about Derek and have woke up on edge feeling as if I am going to go into a full blown panic attack any moment. Yesterday, after waking up in this panicky fright, I absolutely could not shake that dream for nothing!! I thought about it and thought about it all day long. For hours before class started, and as soon as I got up, I was crying. It's really weird because I start crying when I think about Derek but after a few hours I am crying because I cant stop crying. I mean really, who wants to sit and cry for hours and have snot filled tissues soaked with tears laying beside of them, and a headache that feels like your head is going to explode from pressure in your brain [the one we all get from crying] and swollen eyes? Nobody. Well, nobody in their right mind I suppose.

My next worry... with the way I am off and on everyday dealing with this, and having days to where I literally just sit in my pajamas and cant seem to find it in me to do anything due to being so down, what do I do on days like that and I have class? The answer is easy. Go. But trust me, it really isn't that easy when you are in this situation funk. Obviously, I am going to have no other choice other than to go if I want to do better than I did last semester. I don't know, maybe I am bringing up more worries than I need to worry about at this moment when it comes to this semester. Suppose I just take it with stride and take it on a daily basis. Already, this morning I am not looking forward to the day ahead of me but would I feel any better at all skipping out and staying at home? Absolutely not. At least getting up and going is doing just that. Getting me up and going. Somewhere... Suppose I get up and go [even though I feel as if it just isn't in me today] and it turns out to be an awesome day? If I sit at home and do nothing with myself, I certainly am not going to have the chance of it turning out to be a good day. Actually, I believe it would turn out to be worst by just deciding not to go. Not only would I sit here and be depressed, but I would feel as if not only am I letting David down [he is so proud that I am back in school and is very stern about needing to go and do good because not everybody has the opportunity to go back and I should be thankful for the chance to do so :)] but I am letting myself down, and I would have that natural guilt in me. Ya know, the guilt you have when you know you should be doing something but you don't out of sheer laziness? Exactly! So maybe this insight I am having this morning is the way I need to look at everyday this semester. Surely, keeping these thoughts and emotions into check this term will help me to go, do good, and feel accomplished for the first time in months. Plus, my brother was my biggest cheerleader when it came to going to school. I know he would be upset if I quit because of him... I know he would want me to continue to excel in life. And yes, I know this to be a fact. <3

On a finishing note, yesterday I received a message that said " Help me to be thankful today for all that God has given me, for all that he has taken away from me, and for all that he has left me". The more I think about that message, the more I am starting to believe it. I needneed to be thankful that I was blessed enough to have Derek in my life compared to never having him at all and never knowing him. I need to be thankful for the memories that I am able to have of Derek. So many NEEDS come to mind the more I reflect on that message. So many things I need to keep in mind on a regular basis! Now, I 'need' to get ready for class and conquer this day. I will get prettied up with make up and jewelry, and I will walk into that building with a smile on my face, and wait and see, I will have one on me when I walk out this afternoon! Promise! ;)

Live for the MO....ment.

There is an amazing thing that makes us adults quite different from our kids. Although you would assume that being older, you have been through more, lived more, experienced more therefore making you more acceptable to the hardships of life since you understand that everything doesn't always go your way in life. Assuming is where you mess up. Although we all go through the hardships of what life can bring, none of us seem to be prepared for when it happens. We get something in our head about the way it should and is supposed to be done or happen, and if that goes off route, then we seem as if our whole world has fell apart. The thing that separates us from kids is the fact that kids are resilient. Yes this is a fact. As a child it doesn't matter what is tossed to them or at them, they have the ability to find the good in the day, or even in the moment, put a smile on their face and live the rest of the day for what it is worth and not what it has started as. Today, my son proved this to me.

First, let me back you up to about a week ago. Trenton and I were at out usual after school hang out, Jr foods, to buy our usual after school snack, jungle juice and winter fresh gum, and Trenton asked me if he could pay for his juice and gum. Thinking that he was asking me if he could hand the cashier "my" money, I said, "sure!' Before I knew it, he had threw his snacks onto the counter, took off running to the car (with me going behind him yelling "what are you doing?!") and came back with his little wallet from his backpack that he uses to carry his snack money in. There he was taking his dollar bills intended for snack money at school out his wallet, and paying for his own snack. In my mind I got so tickled over it because I thought bless his heart, he doesn't realize that I am going to have to put those dollars right back in it for the rest of the week. But, I did just think this and made sure I didn't say it because I by far did not want to ruin the moment for Trenton.

The day after our adventure of wanting to pay for snacks by himself, Trenton, out of the blue, came into the living room and said "Hey mommy! I have an idea! I should get a paper route on Nana's street, and you should go sell lemonade in town and David can just go to work like he does and we will be rich!" :) Too freaking cute!!! And as the days went on, he was dead serious about getting a paper route on Nana's street. Dead serious to the point he had planned and plotted every bit of it out in his mind. He was going to take his bike to Nana's house, I was to drop him off there in the afternoons, and he would begin riding his bike with his paper satchel at his side and ride his bike one handed so he could toss the newspapers in the yards for the neighbors. But unfortunately, there is no hope of this paper route dream coming true being The Glasgow Daily Times is no longer delivering papers and are being mailed in (from what I understand).

Now, to Thursday. Trenton was showing my friend Barbie how fast he can ride his dirt bike now and how brave he has gotten (yes, she had to turn her head because of being so nervous watching him rip and roar with the throttle pinned going up and down the street and through the fields! lol). After showing off and doing his "stunts" for Barbie, I told him to take one more ride up the street and to ride it back down to put up for the evening. While standing in the driveway to make sure he was coming right back down, I saw him pull over into the gravel make-shift driveway of the house they are building up at the top of our street and start talking to the owners of it that were up there checking on the progress of it. Of course, I had to boot scoot up there to make sure he wasn't bothering anybody, and when walking up, Trenton was asking the man if he had anything he could help him with that would pay him at least 2 dollars a day in order to buy his own jungle juice. The man told Trenton that he could use some help getting the trash and shingles up off the ground and that he would be up there on Saturday and Sunday and to look for his truck to go up the road and when he saw it, to come on up and help. Excited. Understatement! Trenton jumped on his dirt bike and got it in the garage as soon as possible and came running in the house yelling "David!! I got a job! I got a job!" At dinner that night, this new job was by far the most popular topic at the dinner table! :)

And on to today and the point of my story  

After Trenton's ambitions of what he was going to turn into today, I stood at the door and watched him run as fast as he could up the street to the house where that famous truck was sitting. What seemed like forever to me because I kept wondering if he was really up there working or if he was just possibly in the way, but after being reminded by David to let go and let him out from under my wing for a moment in life, and not to go up there because it will just throw him off and make him feel like he really isn't at work, I sat here at the house peeking out the door for the next 2 hours until I heard the door open while standing in the bedroom, and heard his little feet pounding against the floor beneath him the whole way through the house until he found me in the house. One look, and I knew he had been put to work! His face was blood red, his hair looked as if he hadn't drank his water but had poured it over his head, and he was covered from head to toe in dirt. There in his hands were his little work gloves, and his jug of water with only a small piece of an ice chunk left in the bottom, and some money. He was so excited to tell me about his first day of work! He told me about the snake they saw when they lifted up the big concrete block which the man picked up with a stick and tossed into the field, how the man referred to him as "mate" (Trenton didn't realize the man was from Australia), and how he and the man took a break on a concrete block in the shade under the tree and they both drank water. Then, OF COURSE, he had to show off the money he made to me and David. A whopping 3 dollars!! I made sure I didn't react in a negative way about it in front of Trent because he was too proud of earning that money for me to ruin it with my grown up attitude but 3 dollars? Seriously? I figured at least $5!

I seriously almost felt sorry for him! It was kind of pitiful... the more I thought about an 8yr old being so excited to go to work when so many adults WONT work and you CANT get to work,  and him out there in the sun working his little tail off and only getting paid $3, the more I felt sorry for him. And what made me feel even more sorry for him was the fact that he was so excited over those 3 one dollar bills, that he never stopped to think of the sheer principal behind it. Apparently, I wasn't the only one that saw 3 dollars as not being fit, because after about 15 minutes of sitting here thinking and talking about it, David yelled for Trenton to come into the living room where he was. When he got in there David said "Trenton, I'm really proud of you today. You gave someone your word, got up and didn't try to wiggle your way out of it, and went to work like a man with a positive attitude and stuck it out until the job was done, so I am going to give you $2 for every $1 you earned, and a dollar bonus (making it to where he had an even $10 that he earned). Hearing David tell him this and seeing David get his wallet out and seeing what kind of smile it brought onto Trenton's face, it made my day. I then felt that Trenton had been treated the right way. Normally, I am not a person that is concerned with money (other than having to pay bills, but who isn't? I'm referring to the point on who has money and who doesn't, I could care less. Money doesn't make you. You make money!) but knowing how excited Trenton was and how he kept the most positive attitude I believe I have ever seen out of a kid, my attitude towards those dollar bills wasn't like it usually is. Sure, I know this is wrong of me to feel this way, but every mother wants the BEST and ONLY the BEST for their child so ya can't hate me for that! :) Luckily, every one's emotions were kept in check and no mixed messages were sent about the day and its adventure ( a huge one for Trenton).

Fortunately, through every left hook that is thrown at you, there is always something to take from it and make it a good thing. Today, watching Trenton be so positive over something that I thought was wrong in a way, and knowing that Trenton knows $3 is not a lot of money and it won't buy much, but seeing him keep the best attitude with the biggest smile, turned my attitude around. Why be sour about it? Trenton wanted a job, which he took seriously and took upon himself to find (rare! lol), he kept his word and got up early to make sure he didn't miss a moment of work (he told me when he got up the hill to the truck he asked the man "am I right on time?" *makes me smile every time I think about him saying that!*, and he put forth everything in him in order to do a good job and to get the job done. Why in the world would I not be completely satisfied? The feeling it gave Trenton along with the feeling of how absolutely proud I am of him is something that money will never be able to buy. What more could I possibly ask for out of this situation? It might not have went as my mind had planned for it to go, and I am sure it was different than what Trenton had pictured it being like in his own little mind, but it allowed each of us to have our own special feeling for the day. Me- proud. Very Proud. Trenton- accomplished. David- shocked (he didn't think he would get up and go today and that he would back out of it once he realized how hot it would be outside) :) Guess Trenton showed him!!!! :D

P.S. If I got a little cooky and confusing to you, I apologize! I was trying to type this while a million other things were going on and had to walk away from it for hours at a time before being able to get it finished unlike where I am usually glued to it until it's finished that way my thinking stays on track and doesnt get too totally off on ya!! 

The homework blues

Growing up, I got my behind spanked (usually with a switch I had to pick out myself not knowing that the smaller ones actually do not save your behind, they hurt it even worse). My homework (which in elementary school I hardly had any) was to be done as soon as I walked through the door. When it was bed time, I did not argue but went to bed and knew better than to think about getting up (except for the one night I woke up hungry and instead of just walking to the kitchen like a normal being would, I felt it necessary to scoot down the hallway on my belly in attempt to make it to the fridge to get a slice of cheese. Repeatedly. Hence, probably why I got caught in action doing this.) And while having a tantrum or a moment of picking on each other between my brother and I in the backseat of the car, I wasn't fussed at to "stop!", my mom simply would reach around the seat and pinch the holy goodness out of your leg. One of those pinches that literally stops you in your tracks and straightens your tail out instantly. And among all of this, I grew up fine somewhat okay. I have never been in trouble (except for the time Trenton's dad and step mom refused to let me have him when it was time to come home and told me they were keeping him in which then made me go ape shit and get arrested for disorderly conduct BUT thankfully, I was cleared of those charges so technically, no, I have never been in trouble.) But you get the point :)

People always tend to think that because you were raised one way, that is how you will end up raising your child. Although I have instilled some of these qualities as a mother, there are others that I have not. I am probably wrong when it comes to this thought but it seems as though when I was growing up and was picking my own switches off the bush by the house, my parents showed no remorse of wrapping that flimsy little twig around my leg. I on the hand, have always scolded Trenton and got him when he needed it but as any mother would, I have to brag on the little guy by saying that he really is such a sweet child. I cant remember the last time I actually had to "spank" him. I dont think past 3 years old has it happened. For the most part, he listens to me and we have no problems. But at his ripe little age of 15 8, he is starting to come into his own. He knows what he wants, what he absolutely doesn't and what he is willing to work with ya on. And last night, after a hectic afternoon of Nana coming over, cleaning his room, having dinner, and taking a shower, homework was the last thing on the list before going to bed. But instead of having homework on his mind, bed was. After getting onto him a few times and telling him to pay attention and quit daydreaming and get it done, and after this going on for about 20 minutes and him only actually completing 3 problems (math is his strong point. Never have I had to see him count on his fingers to add 3 numbers together, etc...unlike me. I still use my fingers at times!) I finally had just gotten fed up. I told him to either get it done, or go to bed now and go to school without your homework done and sit inside at recess in study hall and do it", thinking this would forewarn him of what his consequences would be and scare him into going on and getting it done. Wrong! He decided he would much rather go to bed. So, off to bed he went. Where he never got back up for any reason at all like normally where he would have to tell me something or ask me something every few minutes until finally getting the point that his questions will be there in the morning, and so will I. (hopefully) After putting him to bed, I had a horrible guilt in me that he would be in trouble at school today so I had this bright idea that I would be sure to get him up early enough this morning that he would have time to get it done before school. Guess what? Nope. He wasn't having it! He refused to do it this morning insisting that it was going to be my fault that he did not get it done because I "yelled" at him last night over it and hurt his feelings. First, I did not "yell" I was firm!! Big difference!! So with him being as stubborn and hard headed as his mother, why do I feel guilty that he is now going to have to sit out from playing with his new friends during recess, and he now will get a note written in his agenda. Getting notes written in their daily agenda is a big deal because they are only allotted so many notes a month and if they get more than that number, then they are not allowed to go to the score party at the end of the month (a celebration party for doing good in school). Maybe it's just the motherly instinct of wanting your child to be the best and have the best coming out? But at the same time, I have a feeling that by sticking to my guns, he might learn his lesson and listen to me when I say it needs to be done and it is time to be done. Who knows? Being a parent, you just never know what the outcome of your decisions and choices will be. One thing is for sure, I wouldn't have it any other way. Even if it meant he wasn't so hard headed and opionated! :)

Whoot! Whoot!!

If someone were to ask me what my favorite time of year is, I'd have a very complicated answer. Mostly depending on what time of the year you were to ask this question. During the summer, I always dream of fall being around the corner. I love it! I love the colors in the leaves, the crisp air, pumpkins, and of course Halloween! I love to do fall decorations and enjoy the perfect weather with an even more perfect breeze. Nothing better than being able to turn the air off and open the windows in order to air the house out. Not to forget, it saves on your power bill!! ;) And although I love Christmas, I am miserable during that time of year. Don't get me wrong, I love decorating for Christmas almost (almost being the key word) as much as I do for fall. I love the feeling of coming home to a nice, warm, cozy house with twinkling lights on the Christmas tree in the same room as I sit. I've never been the type to really "want" something for Christmas. Even growing up when my parents would ask me what I wanted, I would always shrug my shoulders and say I don't know. My dad used to always joke and tell me if I didn't tell him what I wanted, he would pick it out and it would be certain that I wouldn't like it. Actually, one year after not coming up with anything in particular to tell him, while at his house to open gifts, he handed me a itsy bitsy little box with a smirk on his face I will never forget. Thinking that it must be jewelry, I opened the box as fast as I could all to find a rock, a match, and a stick in the box. And yes, he made me sit there while everybody else opened gifts making me think that was literally all I was getting. Of course, I had tons more under the tree! =) BUT, it taught me my lesson!! After that, when Dad would ask what I wanted for Christmas, I made sure I came up with some type of answer!! Even though I've never been the "wanter" of the group when it comes to gifts, my buying gifts for people is nothing of the same. I absolutely love to buy people things! It's like a special mission for each and every person on my list. I want to make sure I get the perfect gift that I know they will love and have a fit over when they see it. Problem with that, I'm not always certain that someone will love it. I see things that I fall in love with and have a fit over, but then I stop and think to myself "Just because I like it, doesn't mean they will like it..." and that is where my holiday stress begins. Naturally, it always ends with an even more emptier pocketbook than what I started with and what I am able to start with isn't a lot if that tells you anything!! But, while all of this coziness, sweaters, yummy cookies, sparkly ribbon, and twinkling lights bring a month of joy into my life, at the exact moment I have this joy, I have a miserableness in me also. As soon as it starts to get cold outside, and I am referring to the cold that you don't want to go back out in once you make it to where you are going, I get so depressed. I get cabin fever awful during the winter months!! Not to forget, I get a case of the big let down worse than anybody I've ever seen before! What's the big let down? ya know, where you have Christmas coming up and you are out running around buying all of the gifts while hearing your favorite Christmas carols playing over the intercom in all of the stores you grace your presence in, and then after all that anticipation, that one day of the year comes and goes faster than any other, and then it's done. It's over. All you have left is a big mess to clean up, and an even bigger array of decorations to put up. You wake up the next day all for life to go back to the gruel cold you've hated the whole time to begin with. Only difference is that before Christmas, you know what you need to do in order to get the holiday rocking and rolling in your house and you don't think twice about the bitterness of the cold. But once its over, you are back to not wanting to even leave the house because of the thought of jack frost nipping at your nose. Then spring starts to roll on in around the corner. You start off with that one day that is unusually warmer than all the others, and you start to get a little pep in your step. All of the pretties with polka dots, and flowers in your favorite bright colors start to make their appearance in the stores and you get that feeling to where you are ready to start brightening the house up. It's back to opening the windows and airing the staleness from the winter from your home. In the midst of this season 101 I am lecturing, I do have a point. My point being, even though I wait for these holiday's to come, and when it is 100 degrees outside I secretly day dream about the day that it starts to cool off, summer is my favorite season! my favorite season for one reason and one reason only... I get to spend the entire summer months with my little Trenton Lane!! =) I love when school is out and he and I get to come and go as we please with no certain schedule to follow every single day like we have to during the school year. The school year schedules remind me of the movie Groundhog Day. It's like the same day, over and over and over with nothing changing. I hate it!! Not only do I love our randomness in life during the Summer months, I love going swimming with Trenton. About 2 years ago, he taught himself how to swim and ever since then, it's just gotten funner and funner for us!!!

Today, Trenton and I went to the water park in Bowling Green and we had an absolute blast! I figured since school starts next Tuesday (eek!) we should be living this last week as free birds up! So this morning we got our sunscreen, towels, and bathing suits and headed down to the water park. We had the best time today!! I love when Trenton and I go do things just the two of us. I love being able to focus all of my attention on him without being side tracked by talking to people with us. And how could I not love the sweetness in him on these days? =) Our special date days as Trenton refers to them. He was so good today also!! As soon as I would tell him we needed to do something, he would instantly get up and be ready to do it and not insist on me giving him a few more minutes at what he was currently interested in. We drank the best pink lemonade, and had cheese pizza for lunch followed by a Hawaiian shaved ice later in the day. As I mentioned above, Trenton taught himself how to swim about 2 years ago. Since then, he has really gotten good at it!! Way better than he has even given himself credit for or believed. It's actually kind of strange because he will swim all the way across the pool in the 5'ft (where he can't touch) but if you talk about getting him into deeper water (such as 8'ft or 12'ft) he gets so freaked out and says he can't do it because he isn't a good swimmer. Never have I understood this other than it might be because if he truly needed to touch the bottom in order to get to the other side, he is able to push off the bottom of the 5' ft with his feet and come up for some air and in the deeper water, he can't do that. Today, we sat over at the big pool so that Trenton could swim around and our seats were probably about 10 ft from the diving boards. We watched the big guys do back flips and gainers for a while and saw a couple wee little guys running and jumping off the end and then I heard the words that shocked me.. "mom, I wanna jump off the diving board!" Oh my! When he said this, I got so excited! And sure enough, he got right up on the diving board, ran to the end and went for it! jumped right off!!! I stood on the side just in case he started to freak out and couldn't make it over to the side swimming by himself, but let me assure you, he didn't need my help at all! He swam like a little frog under water all the way to the ladder and as he was pulling himself up out of the pool, he had the biggest smile and look of pride on his face! Of course I stood there with the same look on my face for him!! I was so shocked that he just went for it like that and didn't get scared in the least bit. Actually, I think i may have been a little bit more excited than he was. As he got out, I gave him a high five, and let out a high pitched "whoot whoot!" and as I did that, Trenton looked at me with the most serious face and said "Mom, please don't do that again!" haha!! Oh me, I laughed and laughed at him over that but it also was one of those moments that makes you realize they're growing up. It's official. He is at the age he now gets embarrassed by mom. Boy, is he in for it these next years!! lol! Not only did Trenton jump off the diving board without an ounce of fear in him, he also went down the water slides for the first time by himself without having to have me stand at the side waiting for him to come down and then jump in the water and grab him. So many "little" big accomplishments for him today at the water park! May sound corny, but it was one of the most precious things!! I believe I can rest knowing that he will be sleeping too tonight because we were both so wore out when we got home! He actually fell asleep in the car before we had even gotten out of the water park's parking lot. Luckily, he woke right up when we got home so he just got a good 40 minute nap in. ;)

Sounds like my date with Trenton today was just what I needed right? You betcha'!! Such a good day!! But, it started out just as dang good! I found out that they are for sure doing The Derek Byrd Award at ESPN!! How honoring!?! I mean, really!! Finding that out did so dang much for my heart you have no idea!! They already have the plaque made and are planning on doing a ceremony on Derek's birthday, November 16th. My goal now is to make sure I am able to save up enough money to fly to Connecticut in November to watch and be a part of this award being given out. Oh my gosh, if I am not able to make it, I seriously will be so heartbroken!! I posted this big news on my facebook this morning and a friend of Derek's commented saying "the person that receives this award will be well-deserving of it" and boy are they right!!

I was mentioning how tired Trenton and I were when we got home today, and unlike Trenton, I didn't get a 40 min nap in on the way. I am burnt, and beat!! This chick is ready to hit the hay and pray for a day like I had today, tomorrow! Good night!