Damn Moon

Through out this probably never ending post, please keep the word Lunatic in your mind. That single word will describe each and every incident that happened upon this night.....

Friday. The day the fun begins during the week for everyone. The night we all look forward to in hopes of having something to do that will bring joy to our hearts whether it be getting to sleep in saturday morning, getting to visit friends, go out to eat, or have a date. Yeah, you get where I am going with this. Friday, I was invited by a friend to go to the mexican restaurant for dinner with her. Jessica and I have really become good friends over the past few months and have so much in common. Unfortunately, we dont ever get to actSually hang out with each other unless its chatting on the phone so to get an invite to go with her and actually get to have some girl talk face to face along with never ending laughter, needless to say excited was an understatement for me.

So, Im not going to go into detail on this but before getting in the car with her, she and I both had already experienced some crazy shit separately. On the way to dinner, she and I both were talking about what had happened to us earlier in the day and both were in shock at this happening to both of us around the same time. As a joke, we agreed that it had to be the moon causing this behavior to happen earlier in the night to us. So after a few qerky jokes from both of us about these incidents, we had finally made it to the restaurant. There we are sitting at the table, listening to the band, sipping on a drink and laughing about everything we could imagine. Out of nowhere, the person (we will refer to him as pursey) she had had her problems with earlier in the day showed up. trying to act as if we didnt see pursey, we kept on about our business laughing and eating. Then, there he stood. Pursey had came to visit us at our table. Naturally, the conversation was short and sweet and then Jess and I decided to get the hell out of there. Of course, we didn't get to leave before Pursey got to say his goodbye's also. AND of course as soon as we got to the car, pursey started texting jess asking her to come visit him later on after she and i were done hanging out.

Riding down the road, cutting up and talking about the behavior of everyone in the day, we again blamed it all on the moon. Naturally, I looked at the moon and it was such a crisp white color and a very, very small crescent shape. So I made the joke that it was a good thing it wasn't a full moon or else we really would see the crazy in people. No sooner than I said that, I looked over to the side of the road and saw something that I swear looked just like a dead body as we zipped and zoomed on past it. Yelling to Jess, "OMG! I swear there was a dead body back there!" and scaring the shit out of her with my sudden out burst of energy. At first she didn't believe me, but after convincing her I was serious that I saw something, we decided to turn around and check it out. On the way back to where this body was laying, Jess was scared to death. She informed me very quickly that we were not going to stop for nothing. Her poor heart was racing the whole way back to the spot and she kept making sure the doors were locked. So on the way back we didn't see anything on that side so we turned back around to head back in the direction we were heading the begin with and sure enough on the way back, there laid a body half way in the weeds. Yes, my eyes were playing tricks on me because of course it wasnt a dead body of a human, it was the dead body of a HUGE deer. The way it was laying there, the lights of the car shined on the white of its belly making it look like something other than what it was. After laughing hysterically and finally getting Jessica's heart to calm down, we were turning into our destination.

Now, we are at *marco's house (marco being what this person is going to be referred to) Upon walking in we were bragging about how his house was decorated well and surprised that he had it decorated. While checking out the decor i noticed some pictures of a girl and asked who she was and where she was. After asking this, I was informed that they had broken up. While Jessica and Marco are talking, I went to use the restroom. While in there, I noticed flat irons and curling irons laying on the shelf and then as gross as this sounds, noticed feminine products in the trash can. Being they were on top, I had a good hint she hadn't been gone for long, and also figured she hadn't been long considering she left her flat iron. No girl leaves her flat iron behind for long. Fact. So after coming out of the restroom, I made the statement "I find it strange you and your girlfriend are broken up yet there are tampon applicators on top of the trash" And that is when we were informed that they had just broken up the day before. No sooner than this conversation came out of our mouths, the front door opened and there his ex came in. The look on her face said it all as soon as she came through the door and I knew trouble was brewing when she threw her purse to the floor and tried to kick her shoes off without realizing she had sandals on that she couldnt just kick off. Marco and Jess were standing on one side of the island in the kitchen, and I was standing on the other in the living room. 2 girls standing in this house when betsy (this is what we will call her) came through the door yet betsy seemed to only notice one which just so happened to be me. She came flying across the living room straight to me yelling "who the fuck is this whore?" Shocked and confused all at the same time, we all tried to explain to her who we were yet this girl was so crazy she didn't care to listen. Knowing Betsy had her eye on me, I instantly threw my purse on the counter and prepared myself for the next step. Upon doing this, Marco jumps in front of betsy, blocking her from coming at me. So that is when Jessica and I decided to squeeze around them and head out the door. Well, at the door and almost to the safety spot (jessica's car), Betsy was still coming at me and running her mouth. Unfortunately for everyone, I totally snapped. I let this girl know exactly what I thought about her at that moment, actually making her speechless for a moment as if she didn't know how to react to my mouth running compared to hers because you see, I have a tongue that can cut you deeper than you've ever been cut. Something I really dont care to be like, but hey, its me and I cant help it. There I was letting marco and jessica see a side of me they had never seen before. Jessica is built a lot bigger than me and I had myself planted at that door ready to go at Betsy so well, Jess couldnt get me pushed out the door. Once more, Betsy came lunging at me and when she did, Marco jumped in front of her and pushed her back. And when I say pushed, I mean pushed the holy hell out of her to get her to stop. thankfully, my senses came back to me and i turned around and walked out the door and got into the car. I swear, I have not been that mad in years. I dont think I have even had that much adrenaline run through me in years. Once Jessica and I got to the car, all we could talk about was how crazy the night had been, and laughing hysterically about the whole incident, we once again blamed it on the moon. Once the moon blaming was brought up again, i paid attention to the moon again. Instead of the white crescent shape that it was earlier, it was now more like a half moon that was golden yellow.

Now, we were back on the road again. While driving down the road still talking about all the drama that was unfolding in our night, we saw this little muskrat looking thing just chilling, and scurrying down the side of the road like it was no big deal to be passed by a car. This time, Jessica seen the little guy too. :) We both are cutting up and laughing our asses off at the little guy and remembering the dead body, the deer, and what had just happened at Marco's house. Dying of thirst, we decide to stop by the gas station to get a coke. While in there, I swear the owner had to think we were absolutely crazy. We were giggling and laughing at every single thing we were doing in there. From trying to get the coke dispenser to quit spurting, to counting change in order to not use a card to pay. Yes, we stood the line up for a good 4 minutes.

After accomplishing 'Operation I'm thirsty' we drove past Pursey's house on the way to my house. In the drive way, there sat a car other than his. After realizing that he had invited Jessica over and she never said yes or no and him having someone over, Jessica decided to stop in order to talk to him for a minute and find out what he was doing, and what he truly wanted between them. So while she walked to the door, I sat in the car waiting on her due to non of it being my business. While sitting there, I saw them talking for a while and then heard Pursey start to yell. Thinking "oh shit" to myself, that's when the Lunatic came out. Out of nowhere, Pursey picked up one of those rot iron chairs that are so freaking heavy you can barely move them and threw it at jess as if it was a plastic chair! I sat there and watched this hunk of metal barely miss her head. Also thinking to myself, 'dont turn your back to him' and 'run jess run!', I saw one of those patio umbrellas come flying at her. Thankfully all of the objects thrown missed Jessica. So jessica gets in the car and starts to back out and Pursey grabs the umbrella once again and tosses it at the car as if it was like those guys that throw the poles in the olympics straight towards the windshield. My only thought at that moment was that it was going to come flying through the windshield and stab one of us. Thankfully it missed the windshield, but apparently Pursey wasn't too happy it missed because once Jess made it out of the drive way, Pursey threw this umbrella once more and this time it hit the driver side of the car. That throw made me scream.... I seriously had never seen anyone just snap like that in all my life! Believe it or not Jess handled it better than I did and I was no part of it. Once again, it was blamed on the moon. Looking up, the moon was a full moon and so big it looked like you could reach out and touch it. And it was so freaking RED! In shock, and upset, I gave jess a little pep talk and thankfully, we were right back to giggles.

The entire night both of us kept saying "I just feel like all of this is a dream". I mean hell, we had more stuff happen in this night than we have had happen in a year between the both of us. Talk about a night to remember!!! While pulling into my drive way, we mentioned the comment Jess had made earlier in the day saying "I'm so excited we are going to get to hang out! I have a feeling you and me together will make an interesting night!" and boy, she couldnt have been more right about that!! I mean, who really has all of this happen to them in one night??? It was absolutely crazy!!! Once again making the joke "damn moon" I looked up, and the moon was gone. It was nowhere to be found and it wasn't covered by clouds or anything because the sky was crystal clear to where you could see each and every star in the sky. The funniest thing is that the world Lunatic is derived from Luna which has to do with moon. And this night, we dealt with nothing but lunatics. That is seriously the only way to describe it. We fought through this adventurous night and laughed until we cried. Even though we kept thinking it was a dream, and me waking up the next morning still almost convinced it was a dream until I seen the bruises on my arms from bracing myself on the door making realize it really happened, I have to say, it is a night I will never forget and I'd do it all over again in order to have the belly busting giggles we shared together!!!

one crack leads to a crumble

what can I say other than I have been in the worst fucking blah mood known to man all week long. Not quite sure if it was the whole bells palsy thing I found out i was enduring at the first of the week that started me off on the wrong foot with the excruciating pain I was having from it, not to mention the word palsy in there had me picturing horrible things in the future from seeing people with true palsy but I cant seem to snap out of whatever is going on in my life right now at all.

It if isn't one thing, it's always another. I had my perfect job at the time, Lowes. Obviously, not so perfect being they let some seasonal help go, and guess who was a wonderful part of the seasonal help? KACIE! It crushed me!! It really did! I was really enjoying that job more than any job I have had in a long time. I looked forward to going into work, looked forward to working with my fellow employees, and felt great getting to just have small talk with customers while pushing the buttons on the cash register. Yes, I am a button pusher. I love it. I am the worst person in the world to take down any aisle in a store that has key pads to push buttons on. I love to see how they feel. Some are squishy, some are stiff, yeah you get the drift. So now, I am back to square one of looking for a job. A job that seems to not really exist in this shit hole town that I was born and raised in. But what can I do? sit and squaller in my sadness, or hold my head up and keep looking. I believe i will go for keep looking and trying to get myself back to where it is that i need to be in life. Certainly, because I for sure can not keep feeling the way that i have been feeling so much lately. I've never felt so worthless and useless in all of my life. Sure, a lot of people think its all in my head and that i might be just going through some type of depression, but it stems a little deeper than that. Deeper than that in a way that I would rather not go into with anybody. Just pray for me. That's the one thing I can do, and the one thing i can for anybody else to do that will not cost a dime out of our pockets at the moment.

I miss the old kacie. I was told that someone was afraid that a piece of me changed and died when my brother died and i myself am starting to firmly believe in that myself too. Maybe i was just in denial about it before, but things have never been the same and are never going to be the same without Derek here as a part of my life. It's impossible and it's something I just need to accept and move on. But unlike some people out there, that is so much more easier said than done when it comes to me than it is to others. He truly was the biggest inspiration and one of the most important people in my life compared to my son. My best friend, my confident. There is nothing in this world I wouldnt do in order to be able to talk to him just once more. To assure him of how much I always loved him and how much I will always love and miss him. I feel that he hears me, and I feel that he knows it. I just wish I could hear it back for my own sanity in life.

So what is a girl to do? Try to find the humor in life like she always did although she sees no more humor in front of her eyes. Or just pretend she has the humor left in her in an effort to fool the world around her into thinking she is the same person? Am I just over reacting? Am I just over thinking? Am i just overwhelmed? I tend to sway towards overwhelmed at the moment being. Sorry for this to be nothing but a rant and rave on my emotions, but somewhere, somehow, I had to find a way in order to get this out of me. Amazing though for me to be such a vocal and talkative person with always so much to say, yet I feel as if I have to hold back so much in an effort to keep fooling myself and the people around me when at times, i feel nothing more than dead on the inside.

Life sucks. Have you heard that lately? If not, let me say it again. Life sucks. Right now at least.

Goodnight friends.

Knock 3 (errrrr 2) times.

Lately, I've found myself wanting to blog more about things that have happened in my life compared to pretending it is a diary to release all of my emotions. Today is one of those days, I must blog about my day of adventures. So here goes.. try to keep up! :)

Today, I decided to take a small road trip with my mom to visit her side of the family in which most, I have not seen in years. Trenton and her have made visits, and actually were up there (breckinridge county) just 2 weeks ago, and apparently Trenton had a blast and that has been all that he has talked about! Especially getting to go fishing with his uncle steve. Which, let me add that he is not really his uncle, he is his cousin. It is my great aunts, son in law. Funny thing is, Steve's sister in law, my great aunts daughter, Charlotte, is who i have always referred to as my aunt charlotte instead of a cousin. Still to this day, instead of just calling her charlotte, or even reminding myself she is my cousin, i still call her aunt charlotte. So for the irony of Trenton called steve his Uncle, its actually pretty cool since I too have always done the same with my cousin charlotte. :)

So, Trenton, mom and I load up and head out this morning around 10:00 am. First stop, Mcdonalds for some breakfast. Trenton insisted on us sitting outside at the tables in the playland so guess where we sat? outside. While sitting out there and watching Trenton toss little fries to the birds and watching them demolish them (yes, it is a known fact everyone loves Mcdonalds french fries now), we found this little missing limb from a lizard or something. After eating, thank goodness. Anyways- I walked inside to get a cup of water and I actually for some reason noticed this little boy with his mother in line. Naturally, didnt think a thing of it. After getting my cup, I headed outside on the outside part of the fence surrounding the playland in order to smoke (horrible habit not only I but Trenton and my mom hates and being I cant smoke in my mom's car, it was time to get one in before the near 2 hour ride) While standing on the opposite side of the fence, I had trenton take a coffee stirrer and flick the little lizards missing foot in my direction in order to take a pic. Bent over taking the picture, out of nowhere I feel this horrible pain between me eyes and raise up to see a foot. At first I thought it was Trenton and in my mind, it was racing with thoughts as to what would make Trenton do such a thing being he is not that type of kid at all. Upon looking up, i notice it is not Trenton but is in fact the little boy I had seen standing in line with his mother. There he stood with his hands wrapped around the iron fence poles, face pressed against it, and his leg extended out of it as if he had the nerve to kick me again. I tell you what, i have never in my life had any urge whatsoever to say anything out of the way to someone elses child, but boy did I today! I looked at that child and said "YOU dont kick me! Do you understand me?! Dont you ever dream of kicking me let alone kicking me in my face again! where is your mother?" When asked where his mother was, the kid finally spoke up and said "inside" in a language i could barely understand. So, first thing this morning, i have a 6 year whoop my ass in the parking lot of Mcdonalds. What a way to start the day huh?

On the way to our destination, Trenton stayed awake and was as good as an angel. Which, hardly even do i ever have a single problem out of Trenton. He truly is a very respectful and well behaved little boy. So we get to our first destination, my aunt charlottes. Soon as we get there, Trenton starts having one of the worst melt downs I believe I have ever seen him have. All he kept saying while crying was " i just want to go home" which, was totally strange since he had been begging to go back up there in order to go fishing with his uncle steve. After talking to him, I finally managed to get him crying, but i by far did not manage to get his anger/temper tantrum under control. Thinking he would get over it, we all loaded up and headed to a store mom was wanting to go to. WELL, needless to say, Trenton's attitude was WORSE there than it was starting out at my aunts. I couldnt get him to quit mouthing about having to stand up in the store due to his legs being "nothing but bones and hard to hold him up", so he and I decided to go outside and sit. While sitting there I was talking to him trying to re-calm him, and right when I would think it was working, he would start up again. He couldn't stand in the store, and he couldn't sit in the heat. Go figure huh? To no surprise, I got frustrated which made Trenton even more frustrated. His solution to fix the problem was to just run away. Almost thinking it was funny, I started questioning on where he thought he would go and what he thought he would do for food. Wrong idea, made him even crabbier. So before I knew it, Trenton was walking past the car, and was starting to trot his little hot tail down the LONG gravel drive it takes to get up to the store. During this time, my mom came out an was done shopping, giving her the idea for all of us to hurry up and jump in the car in order to act as if we were leaving him there. Well, let me tell you what happened next... I went to jump in the back drivers back seat when I knocked the holy hell out of my head so bad, i literally and i mean i literally saw stars! I seriously had these black and sparkly spots in my vision, and to top it off, i hit my favorite very expensive sunglasses, making me think they had went through my eye ball and stabbed my brain. Seriously, all i could do was cuss like a sailor when it happened due to it hurting so bad. Of course my mom and aunt thought it was hilarious, which it absolutely was! After jumping in the car, we drive right past Trenton making him think we are leaving him and as I was looking through the back window, I literally saw the most pitiful thing in the world. His little hands went in the air, and then his entire body slunched over just like a little kid does when their feelings are hurt, and I saw him start walking back up to the shade that I tried so hard to calm him down under earlier. Of course nobody was leaving him, but we were just playing a joke! :) which worked! when mom backed back up the drive, he came running to the car terrified to death that he had been left. Although it was a great joke, and hilarious, I seriously felt so bad for his little heart at the same time! And then, the pain of my eye really kicked in. I literally hit my head right where your brow bone is so hard, to this minute, i can barely touch it. It is so swelled up and tender!!! And to top off having a swollen eye brow all day, it literally took me all day long to get my sunglasses straightened back out. Soon as I hit my head, my aunt had looked back to check on me due to me cussing the way I was and bust out laughing due to my sunglasses literally sitting crooked on my face. So, throughout the day, me trying to straighten my sunglasses and repeatedly asking her to look and see if I had them straight, became the laugh of the day.  And for the record, my brow is already a little off color which has me totally paranoid I am going to have a black eye that looks like David has beaten me. For the record, the car door frame beat me. Not David! :)

You would think after the almost being left incident happened, Trenton would have straightened up a little but let me tell you, hell no he didnt. SO, i found out in the car today, one thing to get your kid giggling and apparently one thing that makes my child happy is to tickle your feet while riding in the backseat with him. I let him do it off and on for 20 mins and he thought it was the funniest thing ever! Not to mention, I was dying laughing due to my feet being tickled! I am ticklish little squirt!

FINALLY, Trenton was in a good mood and thank god by the time we got to the next family members house, he was right back to himself and back to the sweet, loving child he always is. :) And guess who's house the next family member was? Uncle Steve's! So no sooner than we got there, Steve gathered all the boys up and they were headed right down to the dock on the pond to fish. Did I say boys? Oh, I forgot to mention me too! I promised Trenton that I would go fishing with him and of course, this mommy never breaks a promise! We fished for a few hours and were catching catfish and blue gill left and right. And to put the icing on the cake of making Trenton feel better, he caught the biggest fish! :) He was absolutely precious casting his rod out into the water waiting for a snag! Today was the first time I had ever been fishing with Trenton in my life and I am so thankful I decided to go, kept my promise and got to be a part of this adventure with him!

Trust and believe me, more than this happened today but a lot of it, you would never understand and a lot of it would cause this blog to be even longer than this, but today was filled with nothing but great memories and great laughs! Not only did I enjoy my time with Trenton, I enjoyed visiting the family I have not seen in years, and I especially enjoyed spending time with charlotte! She and I have always had a connection and it felt great to pick right back up where we left off years ago! Plus, she calls me "barbie doll" and tells everyone how I am her little barbie doll, so what girl wouldnt' love to be around someone giving them that great of a compliment and boosting their self esteem up?! :)

I wish I had more time and weren't so worn out from today so that I could tell these stories I have told you already in a little more detail, but this chick is wore out! Riding always makes me sleepy let alone a day of visiting, being on the go non-stop, and then topping it off with entirely too much to eat at Ryan's in Indiana. one promise i make to you though, if my eye has outward signs of the squishy, swelled up feeling it has right now tomorrow, I will def be posting a pic to facebook and showing the funniest shiner I've ever received off! :)

The in between

For those that know me, and I mean truly know me, they know that I have a brain as complex as the space station as NASA. I have this amazing ability to take something very small and turn it into a huge ordeal in my mind. The ability to make myself question everything in life by analyzing each and everything I see and think about. I used to call my mind crazy, obsessed, chaotic. Now, people just tell me I have ADD.

So, where am I possibly going with this? Just wait, you are in for it while I explain this adventure!

Last night, David and I decided to rent the movie The Lovely Bones, and watch it while pigging out on McDonalds. No big deal beings I have watched The Lovely Bones a million times. The problem? Apparently, I haven't watched that movie since my brother passed away....

The only way that somebody will even be able to see where my mind is going with this is if they have already watched the movie themselves and lost someone very close to them (or so I believe that is the true only way someone will understand).

In the movie, Suzie Salmon (like the fish) is murdered at the age of 13 on Dec 6th, 1973. She struggles to find her heaven and to be content with the things she left behind, the people she left behind, and the things she was supposed to do. While on this journey of finding her heaven, she is so close to the one's she loved the most, and was able to channel into them while they were still on Earth. She was able to make these people know that she was around, and lead them to certain things. To keep this from being a hundred pages long, I suggest you watch the movie and then you will understand what I truly mean by all of this.

So anyways, my point being is that when my brother first passed away, I felt as if I could feel him around me. I could even smell him at times. I dreamed about him every single night, good and bad. my days consisted of looking for a sign from him. Looking for the known being of his presence around me, looking for that feeling of him being at my side. To this day, I don't believe that it was just because he had passed away, although this feeling went on for months and months. I honestly in my heart believe that it was real when I knew his presence was with me. Now, at times, I do feel that he is at my side, and other times, I just feel normal. My mind is not totally obsessed with looking for him as it was before. I dream of him, but not every single night. Where I am going with this is that after we watched the movie last night, I was talking with David and mentioned all of these feelings and emotions. While explaining this to David, he mentioned to me that the bible says that once you are in heaven there are no memories of your past. There is no sorrow, no hurt, no regret. There is nothing but pure happiness.

My point... maybe there is an in between before crossing into Heaven. Maybe Derek was in that in between and that is why I was able to feel him around me. He truly was around me. But maybe after so long, Derek found his peace in what it was that he was looking to finish, and he went on into Heaven and that is why I no longer have those feelings like I did before? I also going to contradict myself because I do feel that he is still with me and at times I do still feel as if he is around and i most certainly do feel as if he is watching over me. So, welcome to my mind. This is where the thinking and the thoughts get complex. This is where I get contradicting to myself and where I get confused.

Maybe I just have too many emotions in me when it comes to death and I make these things up in order to try and figure out what really happens when you die. Some laugh at that thought, but it is one that I think about all of the time. And that is the thought that some may find to be offending to what they may believe. Do you just die? Do you die and go straight to heaven? Do you die and go through the adventure of finishing the things you loved the most and then move to the perfect world? This, I know is something that nobody is truly going to ever have the facts and true answers to. But damn, it makes me crazy thinking about it.

I'm telling ya, I'd never dreamed that after watching that movie last night my mind would be racing today like it has been....

Regardless of what happens after death, I will continue to believe that Derek is still with me, and that he is watching over me. Besides, I cant expect to feel him at my side at ALL times anyways, can I? He had so many people he loved, I know I have to share his presence with them and let him be a part of their beings the same as he is mine. But, even though I say that I dont look for it every single day, I am a liar. I look for his signs, his presence, his peace. Peace... the one word I know he has.

For My Son

1. No matter how you feel, or what you think, I will always love you more than any other given soul in this world. You may think I hate you when I take your games away, or when you are a teenager and you are not allowed to stay out past 11:00 pm, regardless of who all else has a 12:00 am curfew. I just hope that every time I am told the worlds "you just hate me!", you will go in your bedroom and secretly tell yourself "nah, my mom loves me more than anything".

2. It is okay to be sweet. Sweet is ALWAYS better than bitter. Fact: nobody likes anybody that sits around and does nothing but complains all of the time, they like the one's that always tell them please and thank you, and I promise you will make a difference in every girl's life you flash that brilliant smile of yours at, and tell them how nice they look.

3. Good hygiene is a must! Now, and for the rest of your life! It is not okay to play outside in the dirt and mud all day long and assume that because you didn't knowingly throw dirt in your hair, that it is clean, and that it does not smell like a dirty little boy. I'm assuming as you grow older, you will be a little more concerned with how your hair looks anyways, and this theory with dirt will fade away.

4. Good hygiene does not mean you have to look like a cast member of the jersey shore. (refer back to #3) But good hygiene does mean that I expect to see those pearly whites of yours, stay extra pearly white.

5. It is a-okay to pee outside. For that matter, I know for a fact, you will always pee outside, it is not something you will outgrow in life. It's just what men do. (women have learned to accept this). It is choreographed into your DNA before you are ever thought of, making it not your fault you are able to piss over a Volkswagen at age 3, and barely over a stump at age 73.

6. Smart is good! Most teens do not tend to lean toward this statement, but after that long road of teenage hood, you will come to realize one day in your life that you wish you had paid attention and done well in school so that you can have all of those fast, souped up hot rod cars you love so much.

7.  Chocolate milk will be just as good at the age of 27 as it is at the age of 9.

8. Always have your sense of humor on the end of your tongue. There is something about a guy with a sense of humor. Whether it be the guy everyone works with in the office, or the guy that keeps the girls giggling, we all love it. And my dear, it is a trait that comes natural to you therefore I already foretell a few phone calls from the school about you in the future.

9. Stay young forever. As much as I would love to keep you my little boy for all of your life, I know that is not possible and one day, I am going to have to let you 'grow up'. When you 'grow up', all I ask from you is that you keep that inner child within you. Remain young. Find the resilience you have as a child, and have fun. Nobody likes a sour-puss. (refer back to #2)

10. Be creative. Keep drawing, painting, writing, reading & thinking. Push your brain to its up most limits, and run with your thoughts. If you think it, and think it can be done, try it. No matter what age, I will always have my drawer full of your paintings, writings, and drawings, and unfortunately, I will always have them hanging on my refrigerator. I keep everything you make and buy (pick out for me with Nana's help) for me, and always will. Do no be alarmed if I am still wearing the button pin with your picture when you are visiting from college.

11. I pray that this trend is gone by the time you are older, but as it seems now, it will still be in swing full force, but please, and I repeat, please, do not wear your pants hanging at your knees with your ass and god knows what else showing to the world around you. it is not attractive, it does not make you cool, and how do you expect to run if you are being chased by a rabid dog? Something to think about.

12. I hope that you learn one day to not be so much like me and that you become more of a morning person and less of a night owl. Sure getting to sleep in is great, but the older you get, the more you will realize you have done nothing but waste away your day. And one day, you will start feeling guilty for doing so.

13. I expect you to be a good boyfriend and husband. I will never forget the day you asked me what adultery meant after reading it on a sign going down the road. I said to you, "it is when someone cheats while they are married." After thinking for a few moments, you wanted to know if it counted for boyfriends and girlfriends. Not knowing the true answer, I told you, "I'm not really sure but either way you shouldn't cheat on anybody. That is an awful feeling to be cheated on. I've had it done to me before and its just awful..." Your response, "Oh, I know!! I have been cheated on before and it will break your heart!" Keep in mind, you were 8 years old while telling me this. Hopefully, you will always remember the day you found out you were being cheated on at 8 years old, and that feeling will keep you considerate of the future lucky girls in your life.

14. It's okay to go to a party as long as it is a party with streamers, confetti, cakes, candles, treat bags, and balloons. Not with beer, drugs and strippers. And just to play it safe, let me add prostitutes so there are no confusions on what I said could not be there.

15. Oh, and just so you know, all of the times you sat on the couch watching "The Real Housewives of (insert big city name)", those are not true housewives. Your mom is a true housewife.

16. Learn to cook, clean, do laundry, fold clothes, sort clothes, make a bed, do dishes, mow the yard, weed eat, plant flowers, decorate, re-seal a drive way, kill bugs, help animals, save animals, drive, use turn signals, keep your foot on the break, shift gears, wash a car, wax a car, take the trash out, actually remember to take the trash can to the road, decorate, hang a picture straight, align more than one wall decoration straight, level, and even, clean the bath tub, rinse your toothpaste out of the sink, and to make it completely across the monkey bars.

17. Buy your wife pearls. Every girl deserves pearls from her husband.

18. Remain curious. Curiosity means you are thinking. Thinking leads to being curious. Curious leads to asking questions. And asking questions leads to learning more. Always think outside of the box and ask every question that ever comes to mind. According to how you have always been, I feel that this wont be an issue later in life.

19. When you love, love with everything in you.

20. No matter how much you heard me tell you "if you don't bother bee's, they won't bother you" growing up. You will learn, that is not the truth. Not a lie though, just more like an antic to allow you to enjoy the warm summer days to their fullest.

21. Be spontaneous. It helps you to remain young at the heart, gives you a fun loving heart, and makes you feel like a true super hero.

22. Always, always, always, always know that your Uncle D loved you more than anything in this world. He was truly proud of everything you ever accomplished from cooing and saying 'I good' as an itty bitty baby, to rolling over, smiling for the first time, crawling, walking, talking, giggling, drinking from a straw, driving your john deer tractor power wheels around every nook and corner without ever running into anything, the fact that you absolutely loved being around him, and the fact that you were so fascinated in his newest art creations. He bragged about you all of the time, and was so proud to be the male role model in your life. He was ecstatic about you being able to go visit him in CT in the summer of 2010 and that he got to take you to NYC and show you everything you've ever dreamed of. You walked around all day long looking for spider man and kept telling us "i just know he works at the daily bugle" and then, coming out of Toys R Us on Times Square, there he stood, spider man! :) D loved the fact that he was able to experience 11 days with you at Disney World and that he was a part of your first memory of the place that every kid longs to go to. You truly were the light of his life. One thing I ask of you, take the memories you have with him and hold on to them for the rest of your life. Let him continue to be a role model and inspiration in your life and keep in mind, if you walk the right path, you two will be together again. Think about that one!

23. Just because you have been privileged enough to be spoiled rotten, do not always expect to get everything you want, and do not always expect for everything to go exactly as you want. I repeat- do not show your ass and look like a whiner. Repeat- do not act like a whiner.

24. Since you like to ask me every time you eat one, what you used to call a kit-kat when you were little, I just want to add to this, you called them kitty-kats. :)

25. Know that I will always be your mommy. I will kiss your boo-boos for as long as you will allow it. I will lay in bed rubbing your hair, talking about Pokemon for as long as you believe in them. No matter where you are, you are in my mind. And no matter what life brings you, it will be bringing it to me too for I will be at your side forever and always. I will always have your favorite foods on stock, and I will always plan your favorite meals when I know you will be coming home. I will always act as silly as you will allow me to in front and with you, and I will always be here for you no matter what life struggles seem to stumble upon you. And, never forget, as your mom, I am allowed to love you more than myself, and more than anything in this world, and I always will.

It's no surprise to me, I am my own worst enemy

Late nights are always the worst. My mind starts racing, and the witching hour of always doubting myself begins. I am the true example in life of "my mind is my own worst enemy". No matter what has happened, and no matter what hasn't happened yet, when my brain turns on, I start doubting myself. I'm the type that will worry about braking a shoe lace. Sometimes I worry about it before it even happens just in fear of not being able to find the exact type of laces that came with the shoe, and lord forbid if I ever do break the shoe lace because then I am worried to death on when i will be able to get the new shoe laces and where I will ever find any just like the one's that broke. Crazy right? I mean, come on! It's just a freaking shoe lace! Not quite- at that moment, it becomes my life. And to think you all thought I was crazy before! =)

Here it is, 1 am and my mind is going a hundred miles an hour. Mostly about my brother tonight though. There isn't a day that goes by that I do not think of him numerous times a day. Most of the time, not an hour goes by that I dont think about him. At times, not a minute goes by.

It's amazing that every person I know says that time heals all wounds and that time makes things easier. Guess what! That's a lie. I cry just as hard now as I did when my brother first passed last year. Speaking of the word passed. I always say passed. I can never say the word dead in the same sentence that has my brother's name in it. Maybe it makes it sound too real? Who knows.

I'd do anything in this world to be able to talk to him just one more time. I'd settle for 1 minute, just enough time to say "i love you". I pray all of the time that my brother knows how much he meant to me and knows how much I love him. And then I pray that he hears me praying for that, just so I know that he knows for sure one way or another.

I feel him at times. His presence. It's comforting. It's peaceful. It's calming. I don't feel him as much as I did when it all first happened, which i wish I did, but I feel him and that's what counts. I dont care if it's for a few seconds, as long as I get that feeling. Some people think I'm coo-coo for saying and believing this, but i think i'd be coo-coo if I didn't believe and know this.

It's amazing how when someone dies you are able to pin point every single thing you ever did wrong with them. Thankfully, I don't ever remember my brother and I having a fight. And I don't mean that I literally don't remember it, as if it happened. I mean I dont remember it as in it never happened. We never fought, never raised our voice at one another, never said anything we truly regretted to one another. But, I do regret not calling him the last day of his existence on this earth. I talked to him almost every day most of the time. Sure, there were times that we would go 2, 3 days tops without actually talking to one another on the phone, but we would always keep in touch through text during those days. The last day he was alive, we did neither. Boy, If i could go back in time and know what happened was about to happen, I'd called and never let him off the phone that day. Biggest regret of my life is procrastinating that used to be usual phone call.

Everything about my brother impacted my life. From the time when we were young, to the time when we grew older. Especially the time he left this world. Some people don't get it because they've never been through it. Some people have never been through it, but get it. And then there are some people, who get it, but refuse to understand it. i can't lie and say that I am fine now because I will never be fine with my brother being taken from this world at such a young age. He had so much going for him, so much to experience, and so much to give. It's a tragedy in our family and a tragedy he was robbed of these privileges. Some may think it's wrong of me, but I can not help the fact that the day my brother was taken, a piece of me was taken with him. My heart has never felt the same since. I'm not sure at this point that it will ever feel the same again.

I'd love to be able to think of my brother and have nothing but warming, loving feelings. While I do indeed have these feelings in my heart when it comes to him, I think of so many things I would have done different such as the phone call, and one big one, I would have had him walk me down the aisle at my wedding. He wanted to be the one to do so, so badly but with my Daddy still living, I felt that it was his place. If I could do it over, it would have been my dad, my brother and Trenton. unfortunately, with life, there are no second chances at times. No matter how much we wish for them, most of the time we do not get them.

So am I the bad person for letting my brother and his passing effect my life so strongly? Or is it the people that find this to have been a problem the bad people? I tend to lean towards the side, I'm not the bad person. I'm the sister that looked up to her older brother more than jerry looked up to tom. I'm the sister that had so much more than a connection of being siblings with her brother, the sister that loved her brother more than she has loved herself most of her life. Derek was the one to always encourage me, push me, and keep me grounded. He always had a way of making me find my best qualities, focus on them, and love them to the core. I miss his words of wisdom and advice, the connection I shared with him but nobody else, and the love he always showed towards me. I miss him.

So what's a girl to do? Do you move on in life as if nothing ever happened like you see so many people do? Or do you mourn yourself to death due to you not being able to physcially, mentally, and emotionally handle the emotions you have due to such an important role in your life being snatched from you during the night, just like you would imagine the tooth fairy snatching teeth from under pillows as fast as she could before being seen? I dont have the answer to this. Not sure if I ever will. Until then, I think I'll just stick to loving Derek for who he was and loving him for all he was to me.

facebook.... and then they are blessed.

Facebook. The world in which everyone gets to be the person they wish they were. The world in which nobody has struggles, nobody has secrets, and everybody is blessed. I in fact could start a riot with what I am about to go into, but oh well, let the frenzy begin! =) Lets go back to the part where everybody is blessed. I am sure there are aspects in EVERYBODY'S life that makes them feel blessed, and I am sure there are instances that occur in one's life that makes them realize their true blessings. But, I feel that the people that are always, always, always, posting about how blessed they are, really truly do not feel that way. It's almost as if they truly are trying to cover the cracks in their life by assuring everyone that they are something that they are not. I know that you all have seen these postings by people that you know outside of the this perfect facebook world, and know different than what they post to the one's that dont know the truth to the depths of the cracks in their life. Dont get me wrong, I count what blessings I have every single day, but I do not and will not ever claim to have the perfect life. What is the perfect life? There is no one particular thing that makes life perfect. To some, the perfect life would to be rich. Others might be to find their one true love. Some, it may be both, and a bag of cookies. Who knows if this perfect life even exist? To think about it, I'd probably say not. Simply because the rich always want to be richer, the pretty always want to be prettier. Is anybody ever truly satisfied? Sure, we can maintain a happiness with what we have settled for at the moment, but there is always the longing to have more. Dont worry, it's a natural occurrence embedded in a single strand of DNA, activated the day you are born. It's part of being human. We are our worst enemies. We criticize ourselves to the core, and criticize our neighbors to the grave. Therefore, this is a very natural thing to feel this way, to want more, to long for more. Some make it, and some dont. Amazingly, the one's that usually make it in life never brag about it. They never assure people of what they are and what they aren't. But the one's that have done things you'd think you'd only see in movies, are the one's that assure the world of the their love and kindness. Not to forget, these are the people who are "blessed". Is blessed what you have? Or is it how you feel? We all say we "count our blessings", but I don't sit and count what I consider a blessing. My blessings come from my heart. I know people that consider their blessings what they have. Oh they have a new car. They are blessed. Oh, they have a new computer. They are  blessed. Oh, they have a new decoration. They are blessed, Are you kidding me? This is what makes me want to deactivate my facebook and live in the real world that once existed before the world population got so hung up on playing make believe. Don't get me wrong, not everybody on facebook is like this. At all! But, it just eerks my nerves to the core to the one's that do act this way. If you think about it.... if these people are wanting this so call perfect life they are so blessed with, but truly don't have a lick of anything that slides off their gritty tongue, you'd think they would have something in them to go and get it wouldn't ya? I mean, they dont care to find the drive to get it out of someone else, so why wouldnt they take that drive and work on getting somewhere in life for themselves? It's sad. Very sad. But not sad enough for me to have enough pity for them to join the poor pity parties they throw themselves once they shut down, and close their existence to their perfect life. Yes, facebook is a handy tool that allows people to connect to people in their lives that they would have never got to connect with. It's great for the people that you dont get to see very often. It's great to read when you are absolutely bored. And it's great at making you hate the one's you love. lol And what I mean about that is just reading the post and status updates about people that you've known for years will get on your nerves at times. They want to go far too deep into their life talking about bodily functions that make you gag a little bit while reading it. They inform you of when their last bowel movement was, what they had for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks. They let you know how many times they went to piss and how many squares of toilet paper it required to wipe. They let you know every single thing they are doing during the day and where exactly they will be which is probably the dumbest thing i've ever heard due to anybody could break into their home and take what they'd like becuase they would know exactly where this person is, and exactly when to expect them to be home. It's ridiculous honestly! It allows people to talk smack about each other and say things that they know good and damn well they'd never say to a person's face, and it allows them to continuously look into your life when they declared you were no longer welcome. (how bad did they really want you out of their life if they are always checking in on you?) It allows an infatuation for people that have never met or talked anywhere other that comments on posts on facebook. If you truly wanna get even deeper into it, it has turned man against man. It has consumed people's lives and caused more hurt and pain than any person going around town talking crap. I've gotten way off topic.... like crazy cat lady off topic and i am refusing to erase this and start over. =) No im not crazy although this post obviously has led to that direction a slight bit, i'm just up entirely way too late and past my bedtime, and the wheels in my head are rolling. Rolling enough I believe I have smoke coming from my ears... Sorry, no, that's the smoke from the cigarette that I am smoking and that I can't seem to quit smoking no matter how much I tell myself I am going to. =) Hey- there is another example! These people that keep telling themselves that they are blessed... no matter how much they say it, it isnt going to change the fact of the truth in their life, just like no matter how much i tell myself I am gonna cut back and quit smoking, and I never do. But as I end this sleepy, rambling, chaotic, out of my realm of what i normally blog about, let me tell you one thing to keep in mind. Maybe Facebook is the anticrist everyone is expecting this year. =) hehe. just kidding. maybe

A loud growl

For once in my life I have been able to completely block something out of my mind. Never in my life have I ever been able to do this in the past. Normally, I would analyze every single thing about the problem or situation and I would run it over and over in my head picturing the event over and over, nearly driving myself crazy. That is the one bad thing about having a good memory. Too many details will ruin your mind! And for the record, most believe that I can't remember anything.... wanna know why? Because I pretend like I cant. It's amazing when you play stupid and as if you cant remember something and listen to them tell you the same story they have told numerous times before and listen to the difference in the story every single time. Eventually, they tell the story so different each time, you are able to put all of the different versions together, and end up with the truth without this person even realizing it after they obviously didnt want you to know the truth to begin with. I'm a huge observer too! I pay attention to every blink, every bite of the lip, the pause in your sentence, you name it and I am paying attention to it. Another amazing thing I have about me.... I'm a huge talker. Most think that because I am talking all the time that I am not paying attention to anything but really, that's just my way of getting someone to believe I'm not paying attention, and my way of being able to read the whole room inside and out. And to think they think I am the stupid one! ;) ha!

Anyways- this past year I have been tested in more ways than one. One thing that happened this past year had been happening for a long time but in the past I would just keep my mouth shut and pretend as if things were never said and done. I hate controversy! Absolutely hate it! I end up just blowing up and going off like a stick of dynamite lit on both ends and saying things that I truly do not mean and totally regret about 20 mins after the argument when I have calmed down a bit. For once, I chose not to say anything. At first I started to, but then I came back to myself and realized it would not be worth it in the end and that it would just feed the bear trying to get me. Now tell me, how in the world do you not saying anything keep a fight going? I mean, you havent said anything to stir the stink at all but the bear just keeps running full force trying to steal your basket. Is it that they are the type that likes to have the last word and by you remaining calm and keeping your mouth shut, it doesnt not allow the bear to get its last run on you which makes the bear angrier by the minute, huffing and puffing, trying to figure out how to get that basket from you? And what would make them rally up the team in the forest to gang up on you as if you are a major threat to the readily stampede around you?

So what if you have went to the woods many times and had amazing times while there? What if there have been times that you have seen this bear and things were always amazing watching it romp around and do its things, being its natural self before the bear decides to turn on you? Would you go back into the woods in an effort to find that peace that you once had while sitting in the quiet woods? Or would you never step foot back into the woods being you had a bear after everything you had, including YOU, and managed to rally the moutain lions, wolves, and pirana in the stream waiting to snap at you and eat you apart piece by piece until they tore you apart until there was nothing left?  Naturally, before you could make your mind up about the woods, you would instantly have those images of the fun, peaceful times of being in the woods but then the images of that bear growling, standing broad and as wide as it can, showing its ugly teeth come to your mind. I think there would be no argument that you probably would not choose to walk into the woods with a sense of nothing would happen. You would never fully be able to look straight and not feel as if you had to watch your back every step of the way through those woods. Not being able to trust the environment around you, naturally you would probably find another place in your life to find the peace and happiness that the woods, bear, deer, rabbits, and squirrels once brought you. After finding your new place of serenity and peace, where you are able to sit calmly and watch the new world around you, there would be times to where you remembered those woods and remembered the joy that it once brought you in your life, but why would you go back to those woods while having that little voice inside your head telling you not to, and to turn around? Why would you want to feel as if at any moment something evil could come out of the woods and try to rip you apart once again just for the glory of your basket when you can sit by a waterfall, relaxed, pulling petals off of flowers, and letting the sun shine on you. The woods... the dark, shaded, cold place can no longer harm you while you are in the rays of the sun with the refelection of the crystal blue water surrounding you on your skin.  The memories, whether be good or bad of the woods, will always remain. But when the slight instance comes back to walk through those woods again, you will never feel the same about it again. Eventually the memory of those dark cold woods will start to fade and the sun will start to shine a little brighter at that waterfall. Finally, you have found what it was you were looking for every time you stepped foot in those woods. The glory of your surroundings will start to fade into you, making you who you were looking to be every time you sat staring that bear in its eyes, until the day you were watching it raise hell as if it were rabid, coming at you, wanting to tear you apart, eat you alive, and run off with your basket soul. Finally, it's over. No more worries, No more stress, no more bear. 

Fibered Tears

Okay, it's no secret that my favorite times of the year are when Trenton is out of school. I love it! I love being able to do whatever we want, when we want, with no perfect timing schedule that we have to stick to every night. I love the junk good, the couch slumber parties, sleeping in, going outside, and all in all, just the huge amount of time that we get to spend with each other. :)

This week has been spring break for Trenton and we have had the best time! He has been so sweet and so good and I have loved every minute of it!

Last night, we were sitting on the couch watching tv late way past our bedtime, and I asked him if he has had a good spring break which was proceeded by him saying "yes." Being the detailed nosy person I am, I went on to ask what his favorite part of it has been. With the sweetest little voice, he looked over me with those big brown eyes that are absolutely to die for, and said "getting to spend so much time with you mommy!" Oh my gosh! My heart literally melted! It was the most sweetest thing ever! While my heart was trying to reabsorb and get back to its shape, I could not help but sit there and think to myself how lucky I am to have a child that loves me just as much as I love him because lord knows, i love that little boy with every inch of my body, every beat of my heart, and every breath I take. My universe is consumed with one thing, Trenton. And I wouldnt have it any other way! :)

Of course while we are eating whatever we want whenever we want, and staying up late, we also have the right to run around in a star wars costume with laser pistols, and red light sabres.  Unfortunately, with all of the bad guys that require being cut in half with fascinating, glowing light sabers, there also comes the moment when you are injured and have to wave the white flag and stop the war. Trenton somehow managed to cut his finger or get a "fiber" in it as he was calling it that was so tiny I myself could not see it. Every time he touched his little pointer finger to something, he would let our the most pitiful little cry of pure agony and would have the biggest tears you've ever seen running down his face. Something about him sitting there with his little finger extended, crying those big tears while wearing his costume, tore my heart up. I absolutely hate when he is being so good and so sweet and then something happens and he gets hurt.

After running his finger under cold water a few times, and even putting oragel on it, in an attempt to try and numb it, the "fiber" still remained in tact and the tears were still coming. Finally after trying to run water over again, and finally talking him into letting me put a piece of tape on it, we were able to relieve the horrible pain from the "fiber" and Trenton was able to go back to playing and being the sweet little boy that he always is :)

It's really an amazing thing that something so small can happen to your child, and the thinking you do about it, can cause more hurt in your heart than their little finger ever felt during the time. For almost 2 days now, I have thought and thought, and pictured and pictured in my head, him sitting in his costume and crying so pitifully. I'm not sure why I have relived such a small incident in my head so much, but either way, I have. Every time I think about it, my heart gets more and more squishy. Softer and softer with each picture zooming by in my head as if you were looking through a projector. When I say "I have one strength and one weakness in this world and this is my son" I mean it. That little boy is my heart and soul made over. There is nothing I wouldnt do for him and nobody I wouldnt kill over him. With everything my emotions and heart have been through in this past year, I am almost certain that I would have never made it had it not been for Trenton. The love he and I have for each other is literally what made me wake up each and every morning. As crazy as some may think I am, I can never thank the lord so much for bringing that little boy into this world so early in my life. I honestly believe that God knew what was to come and knew that I would need the strength I get from/for Trenton to survive it all. He's my partner in crime, my side kick, my buddy, my biggins, my T-Lane, and the part of me that stole my heart and soul the day he was born. For that, I will forever owe the lord above for bringing such a blessing and precious gift into my life.

The book of life

So catch this.... maybe this is just me having a manic moment as I have learned this past year, I am perfectly capable and willing to have at any moment, but I am seriously thinking about writing a book. I love to write. Always have but really have found an almost passion for it the older I get. Only problem is, what would I possibly write about? I always have so much to say... so a "how to" would NEVER work for me! Reading it, everyone would be like "okay what is the bloody point here?? get to it already!!" so nope, thats not for me! :) However, on the other hand, I could see myself writing a fictional. I've always liked coming up with stories and poems with a twist, and if I do say so myself, I believe I'm pretty good at them. Then again, I would LOVE to write a book about my brother and the influence he has had in my life and everyone that knew him.. a book telling all of the so so so funny stories, quotes, coined phrases, and everything else hysterical he ever did, but of course the so true, so serious, compassionate, loving, and sincere side of him. Oh- and I would LOVE to write a childrens book!! And I could totally see myself writing a "teen" book also... just on life being a teenage girl.. fictional of course. I remember reading "Are you there God? It's me Margaret" in middle school and that book has stuck out to me in my life ever since. Be interesting to write something like that too.... only problem with ALL of these bright ideas of mine, where do you even start?? Glasgow sure isnt the town known for opportunities.. thats for sure and no secret!! Speaking of Glasgow, I want out of here so bad I cant nearly stand it. I honestly believe that as long as I am in this town, my life is going to be what it is and that I will never have the chance to push myself to my full potential and become something or someone. If it weren't for my mom having a nervous breakdown at the mere thought of me leaving, I'd already be gone and would leave tomorrow if could. Maybe one day Mom will realize these things and realize the better chances and opportunities life would bring me and find a way to accept it. I honestly dont believe that its me she worries about leaving... I know it isnt as a matter of fact. It's Trenton. That little boy is her world and life. She would be nothing without him and I believe she would literally mourn herself to death as if she lost another child if I were to leave with him right now. Strange though at the same time.... why strange? This is why. When I had Trenton, I was a senior in high school. Obviously, I still lived at home and being fearful that I wouldn't be able to financially support him on my own and on a one income family, he and I remained with my mom and step dad until he was 4 years old. Now that I look back at the "big" day of us moving out, My mom and step dad handled it quite well. I was actually afraid to tell them that we had found an apartment and were going to be spreading our wings as a duo and leaving the nest. Surprisngly, they handled it and handled it well and even did all that they possibly could in order to make the experience the best possible for Trenton and me. But then came the hard part.... they missd him and missed him terribly. They were so used to being around Trenton and being the main caretakers of him while I was at work when living at home, it was literally killing them to not be around him as often after we had moved out. So in order fix their crave, mom always informed me of when she was off of work and would always tell me "Trenton is spending the night on this night..." Being I tend to put other people's feelings before I do my own far, far, far too often, I would NEVER tell her no. Same as when Trenton's memaw would want to see him, I would never tell her no either. She too was used to Trenton staying at her house with her on the weekends that he was with his dad so when his dad moved out on his own, she too was adjusting to life without a sweet little boy around a lot. And naturally, when his Dad moved out on his own, he wanted to see Trenton (yes, I have a little boy that is truly loved by so many people! Lucky little guy he is!!) so when he would ask for Trenton to come over, I would never tell him no either. I've always had this huge guilt in me that Trenton has never and will never be able to experience life with both parents together, so no way will I ever come between him and his daddy. Boys need their daddy! Of course, and naturally I have to add this too, they sure need their mama's also!!! Anyways, to the point... with all of these people wanting to see this one little boy so much, it left me with hardly any time with him. Regardless of what I had planned and how bad and desperately I wanted to spend time with him, I would never tell these people no and would always allow him to go to their house. Little did I know at the time, I was building a court case against myself in the long run. A court case to where someone, his dad and step mom, not to mention any names, felt he would be better off coming to stay with them since he was allowed to go there so often and to other family so often. Here that whole time I thought I was doing what was right and best for everyone other than myself. I hated that time, but I knew my mom and step dad were dying to see him (which my step dad was literally dying of cancer and no way would I keep the light of his life away from him when he needed that joy more than anything and I in fact do not and will not regret that a day in my life). I knew Trenton loved his mamaw and papaw and that they sure loved him and tht is why I never told them no. And of course, his dad's visists were court ordered so I wouldnt couldn't tell him no and during this time he was asking to see Trenton more than he ever had and being that was one thing I always wanted for my child, the attention from a dad, I wouldnt have dared told him no to the extra days either. Now, where I am going with all of this...  since my step dad passed away, and especially since Derek passed away, Trenton no longer goes to my mom's as often. They actually go about 2 weeks at a time now without seeing each other. I know, doesnt sound long at all, but trust me, thats a record for her when it comes to Trenton! Sure she calls and talks to him, and everything she ever has to say or ask about is about Trenton, but its not the visists they once shared. Okay, so FINALLY...... what my main point of this is that I really don't understand what me moving away and finding a better way of life would really effect that much? It's not like mom is used to having Trenton around every day like she once was, and if we were to move away, she would still be able to share these phone calls with him. She also could actually skype with him, and of course we would plan "trips" to nana's and let him stay for an extended period of time with her (extended period= 2 weeks). I'm not really sure what her issue about us leaving is other than she wouldnt have that option to see us when she wanted to. Now, if she chooses to have Trenton over (like this weekend), she can. If we were gone, she wouldnt be able to have him at the drop of a call like now.... Plus, since Fred (my step dad died) and since Derek died, Trenton and I are literally all this woman has left. She has no other family..... I think it's amazing that she refuses to date, or even talk to a man because she has gotten used to being alone and says she likes it that way (which I honestly do not and never will believe) but yet she is so fearful of being alone. I know I'm rambling but I have so many mixed emotions on this topic. I want out of this town and don't see the big deal, yet I do see where mom would feel alone and feel guilty leaving her alone. And at the same time as having this guilt, I go back to my life and feel that it's kinda not fair for me to be stuck here. And when I have that thought, I also think, with mom being alone and not living with someone, if something were to happen to her, nobody would know about it and the thought of that tells me to be patient and in due time what is meant to be in my life will be meant to be and happen. I'd never forgive myself if I left her and then something happened to her and nobody was here for her, or even worse, nobody knew and because of nobody knowing and suspecting something, her not surviving because of that. So with all of this jumbled up, randomness being said, I will quit with it here and give you a break on trying to keep up with where I could possibly even imagine going with all of this information. But before I do, let me add, that maybe if I were able to leave this place, certain people would stop with the drama, negative slurs, lies, and fabricated stories that they love and dwell on so much at the same time. I used to fight back... and used to love to fight back. After having Trenton, I realized that fighting back isnt worth anything.... I'm sorry but once you have children and realize what is really important in life, you can't help but realize what's not important at the same time. Feeding the fire does no good. Two people can say what they want to each other and what they have thought or felt for however long, and its not going to do a thing except hurt each other's feelings and keep something not worth it going. It's not going to change how they feel towards each other... it's just going to make it even worse. Finally in my life, I have come to a point to where I love the silence more than the slurs or blows. After many times of David telling me to just be silent and watch a person break, I have listened and boy, he could have never been any more right than he was about telling me that. Unfortunately, when you are dealing with someone that refuses not to have the last word, the silence is just making them crazier acting by the day which actually makes me wonder if I just called this person up and said  "say what you gotta say right now. Say it to me and get it off your chest and maybe then you can sleep at night and quit obsessing over the petty stuff" Sadly, I know that would never work because when put in a situation, I have a sharp tongue that will cut someone down before I even realize what I've said. And plus, it would still be feeding it and making it all worse on me than its already been and very apparently is going to continue to be. Oh well, how these people feel is no longer my problem in life and I actually kinda like the way that sounds. "It's no longer my problem in life"... now that is one that needs to stick in my head for good. A lot of these "situations" going on have to deal with people claiming I am not the same person I used to be. Who am I to lie? I'm not. Am I okay with this? Yep. Am I happy with this? Happy is an understatement. We all have things about us that we don't like and you're a liar is you deny it. There were things about me years ago that I didn't like, so what did I do? I changed them. Since I changed them, I'm happier as a person and in my ownself than I have ever been. I may not be happy with the things that have happened in my life, but I am happy with myself in my life. Big Huge difference in that! I've learned the hard way and slowly to live life for yourself because there is no guarantee that "these people" you are trying to live for or be a certain way for will be in your life in the long run. I'm betting most wont be around. So why change who you are happy with in life, and that who being the most important, yourself, to please other people? If they want you to change, do they really care about you? Do they really even like you? By the looks of it...nope. And since we are now on the topic of certain people in lives, let me add that the ultimate, lowest, most self degrading, distasteful thing a person can do is to bring someone's child into it. I would NEVER in my life say something negative to a mother about her child. I think all of us mothers have this amazing understanding that that is against the rules in a battle and that it is unacceptable. It's just the unspoken of. And even more idiotic is that the phrase that you cant love your child more than anything in this world because you didnt "plan" on having them when you did, is what has upset me more about these rants and raves than anything. I think any mother, whether they are married and were "planning" to have their child, or just so happen to get the biggest "surprise" and gift of their life, knows that this statement was spoken out of ignorance. So, before I let this ignorance wear off on me, I'm leaving it there.

Life is amazing.... no matter how many things can go wrong in my life right now and no matter how much I ty to rub against the grain of all that is happening, I can't help but feel very optimistic and enthused to try it with the grain. Every time something happens that I think is the end of the world, I can honestly say that if you give me a few minutes (preferrably an hour), I can tell you 10 positives to that 1 negative. I'm telling ya, in the past year I have truly learned that you never say "things cant get any worse".. because they always can. And every time you say that, they always will. So slowly but surely, and by all means the hard way, I'm learning to keep my head up and find the things in my life that I am very thankful for along with the things I never realized I was thankful for until training my mind to be positive,

Something even more amazing... "THE DEREK BYRD AWARD"!!!!!!! Oh. My. GOSH! I dont even know where to start with explaining what this award does for my heart! Scratch that... There are no words to even begin. I am still so excited to say that David and I were able to fly to connecticut in order to go to ESPN and me do the honor of giving a speech (not the best I've ever given!) and announce the first ever receipient of The Derek Byrd Award. As soon as I heard about this award, I knew I would give anything in order to be present for it and then one day I received the call from one of Derek's very best friends, Kim, who worked at ESPN with him saying that they were going to cover my ticket. Once again, and time after time, the people (ALL of them) astonished me. So after the good news that I was a for sure for attending, the planning and excitement started to unfold. Unfortunately, the day before flying up there, I was Horribly sick! I could not hold my head up for nothing! I honestly was afraid that I wasn't going to make the flight up there and so was David. Dave was actually so worried, he called them about an hour before we needed to leave to head to the airport and told them that he didn't know what to do and that I was terribly sick. David was worried that if we flew up there, I was going to be sick the whole time, and I was worried that if I did go, I would feel better the next day and regret it. So with that being the thoughts in my head, I pushed through and made slept it through the flights. And low and behowe, the next day, I felt fine! I'm telling ya, a prayer was answered that day. While we were there, we got to see so many of Derek's friends and get to spend so much time with them. Each night that we were headed back to the hotel, I wasn't ready for the night to be over. I'm a sleeper dont get me wrong, but that weekend, I could have went on pure happiness and excitement! I love seeing all of Derek's friends and sharing so many memories and stories of him. If Trenton had of been with me, I swear i would have stayed forever! In the not so great speech that I gave, I told them about a time that Derek told me "OMG Kacie, the people are amazing up here..." I alway believed him, and as I would visit him and get to meet a few of these people at a time, I started to realize that he was so right. I actually started to realize what the true meaning of friends is. These people have actually made me long to have them and people like them in my life more. I had so much more during that speech that I wanted to say, but I ended up getting upset to the extreme i didnt even think I was going to be able to come to a point to where I could think of finishing it. Luckily, everyone understood! The whole experience was amazing! It's amazing that Derek impacted these people so much that they made this award in his honor. Amazing that they all came together like they did to have us there. Amazing in how they treated us and made us feel so welcome. David and I tell everyone that they literally treated us like we were celebrities! We got to meet so many people that knew Derek and thought so much of him along with some of the BIG dogs of ESPN (senior vice president of espn for example). It was just an overall amazing exerpience shared with amazing people that I will never forget!!

Sorry this blog has been so long.... been a long time since I've vented with my fingers and a keyboard! And maybe things really are looking up... I've noticed that I have used the word amazing in this blog probably more than any other word!! That has to be a good sign!