There really isnt a special or particular place to start with what has been going on with me lately.. actually, there really isnt anything that has been very exciting happen to even begin to write about, but here goes!
Life.. eh! It is what you make of it, I suppose? Things have been rough. Very rough. This month alone has been a very hard month on me. Derek's birthday was November 16th followed by my step dad's birthday November 22, then of course Thanksgiving. Derek's favorite holiday. As some people may think it is crazy for me to admit to this, I just couldnt find it in me to even eat the turkey or dressing this year. Derek loved Thanksgiving and it was always his favorite holiday simply because of the turkey and dressing. The thought of him not being excited for the turkey to get done and always reminding me that it naturally makes you sleepy therefore we would be able to get a good nap in afterwards and the thought of him not sitting beside me at the table enjoying it killed me. I just couldnt find it in myself to eat it knowing he was not here to do so with me. Whoever says it will get easier... you have no clue. God I miss him more than anything in this world. I still think about him. ALL the time. Im lucky to go 15 minutes without having him on my mind. This new life of mine, without my brother, sure is taking a toll on me. I just cant find the "new norm" in my life. I cant seem to balance it out knowing he is no longer a part of it. Crazy? Maybe.. possibly.. probably. I feel like every thing is wrapping around me and I cant catch my breath. Work, i hate it. As if hating a job isnt bad as is, try being severely depressed and hating it. There are days I literally can not make myself get up and go. Days I literally can not make myself get out of pajamas and even give a damn about life. I'm trying... lord am I trying but I just cant seem to get a grip on it. I cant seem to shake all of this off and get back to myself. Boy, do I miss the old Kacie. Fun, full of laughter, down to earth, spontaneous, all giggles. I'd give anything to find it all back in me again. One thing about it that is good I guess, I have become a pro at convincing the world and myself that I am okay with the biggest fake smile you've ever seen that I have come to master. Honestly, it's almost like living a double life. I go to work with my hair fixed, make up perfect, dressed nice and convince them that I am this full of life person that nothing seems to bother but on the inside, I feel like I'm crashing down and falling apart. I have to walk around and pretend that my life is just fine and dandy, knowing deep down that I'd give anything for that to be true and for me to believe it myself. Thinking today, I have came to the conclusion that I hold too much in. I've held too much in for far too long. Although I have expressed how much I miss my brother on a pretty regular basis, I have expressed what it is doing to my heart enough. I feel like I need a therapist. A cure. A miracle. Help. What do you do when you feel this way and can't fix it, yet you need your job in the absolute worst way possible? What do you do when people don't truly understand what you are feeling and going through when you need them to the most? What do you do when you continuously wake up from horrible nightmares and cant go back to sleep, causing you to be up all night and not be able to handle the work day ahead? What am I supposed to do?? There is no cure for this. No fix. Right now, it seems.. no hope. I feel as if I am letting everyone down. David and my mom especially. David has worked hard in order to provide for our family and now that it is my turn, I feel like I am letting him down on the days I just cant make myself go, or even get up for that matter. My mom... she has helped me so much and here I am feeling this way and doing her the same way. Not only am I feeling all of these emotions from my brother's death but now I have the added stress of our family dropping income to less than half of what it was, and me being the one depended on when I am the last person that can be depended on right now. Damn, I bet you are wondering if there is anything good at all in my life right now?? Well.... of course. Trenton Lane! who might I add just had a birthday and turned a whopping 9 years old!! Oh me! The mother of a 9 year old!!! yikes! ha! No, seriously.. he had a great birthday and was very blessed to have some special people show up at his party for him! :) He truly is a blessed little boy, even if his mother is going crazy day by day. One more good thing.. at least I never show it in front of Trenton! No matter what, Mommy has a smile on her face when it comes to Trenton! January 9th is marking a very special day also! that is the day that ESPN is going to be giving my brother's award out! :) I am so excited!! HOPEFULLY, i am going to be able to make it! I can not imagine not getting to go. upsets me to even think about it! I pray that David will be able to go with me! he sure is my backbone in life and for some reason I honestly feel like I will need him there.
unlike me, I dont have a fantastic ending with a great analogy to end this blog.. i've bitched, i've complained, i've whined, and i've frowned all i possibly can during this blog. One thing I do ask... keep me in your prayers. I need it right now! And pray that I can manage to keep my job through all of this! whew! I'm telling ya... it's too much on me right now! But, I have managed to still be standing so that might be a good sign! ;)
