For those that know me, and I mean truly know me, they know that I have a brain as complex as the space station as NASA. I have this amazing ability to take something very small and turn it into a huge ordeal in my mind. The ability to make myself question everything in life by analyzing each and everything I see and think about. I used to call my mind crazy, obsessed, chaotic. Now, people just tell me I have ADD.
So, where am I possibly going with this? Just wait, you are in for it while I explain this adventure!
Last night, David and I decided to rent the movie The Lovely Bones, and watch it while pigging out on McDonalds. No big deal beings I have watched The Lovely Bones a million times. The problem? Apparently, I haven't watched that movie since my brother passed away....
The only way that somebody will even be able to see where my mind is going with this is if they have already watched the movie themselves and lost someone very close to them (or so I believe that is the true only way someone will understand).
In the movie, Suzie Salmon (like the fish) is murdered at the age of 13 on Dec 6th, 1973. She struggles to find her heaven and to be content with the things she left behind, the people she left behind, and the things she was supposed to do. While on this journey of finding her heaven, she is so close to the one's she loved the most, and was able to channel into them while they were still on Earth. She was able to make these people know that she was around, and lead them to certain things. To keep this from being a hundred pages long, I suggest you watch the movie and then you will understand what I truly mean by all of this.
So anyways, my point being is that when my brother first passed away, I felt as if I could feel him around me. I could even smell him at times. I dreamed about him every single night, good and bad. my days consisted of looking for a sign from him. Looking for the known being of his presence around me, looking for that feeling of him being at my side. To this day, I don't believe that it was just because he had passed away, although this feeling went on for months and months. I honestly in my heart believe that it was real when I knew his presence was with me. Now, at times, I do feel that he is at my side, and other times, I just feel normal. My mind is not totally obsessed with looking for him as it was before. I dream of him, but not every single night. Where I am going with this is that after we watched the movie last night, I was talking with David and mentioned all of these feelings and emotions. While explaining this to David, he mentioned to me that the bible says that once you are in heaven there are no memories of your past. There is no sorrow, no hurt, no regret. There is nothing but pure happiness.
My point... maybe there is an in between before crossing into Heaven. Maybe Derek was in that in between and that is why I was able to feel him around me. He truly was around me. But maybe after so long, Derek found his peace in what it was that he was looking to finish, and he went on into Heaven and that is why I no longer have those feelings like I did before? I also going to contradict myself because I do feel that he is still with me and at times I do still feel as if he is around and i most certainly do feel as if he is watching over me. So, welcome to my mind. This is where the thinking and the thoughts get complex. This is where I get contradicting to myself and where I get confused.
Maybe I just have too many emotions in me when it comes to death and I make these things up in order to try and figure out what really happens when you die. Some laugh at that thought, but it is one that I think about all of the time. And that is the thought that some may find to be offending to what they may believe. Do you just die? Do you die and go straight to heaven? Do you die and go through the adventure of finishing the things you loved the most and then move to the perfect world? This, I know is something that nobody is truly going to ever have the facts and true answers to. But damn, it makes me crazy thinking about it.
I'm telling ya, I'd never dreamed that after watching that movie last night my mind would be racing today like it has been....
Regardless of what happens after death, I will continue to believe that Derek is still with me, and that he is watching over me. Besides, I cant expect to feel him at my side at ALL times anyways, can I? He had so many people he loved, I know I have to share his presence with them and let him be a part of their beings the same as he is mine. But, even though I say that I dont look for it every single day, I am a liar. I look for his signs, his presence, his peace. Peace... the one word I know he has.
