Today? Let me put it this way, if it were up to me, I would have been hitting fast forward to tomorrow as soon as my feet hit the floor. Again, I was up at 4 am and not able to sleep, so my day started way earlier than I ever expected it to when I went to bed at 1 am last night. If my day is going to start that early, I want it to be a good one. Today was not.
Just the rain and gloom in the air alone we had today is enough to make the happiest of people frown let alone someone like me who seems to be down and out every single day nearly here lately. I've never needed spring to come so soon! So my down and outness plus this weather is not making a good combination for me...
Mom and I went to BG today and although we had a good day, neither of us were on top of the world with laughter like we were Saturday. For the first time ever, I think mom and I both had an understanding of how each other felt today. Although there was no fussing, or hatefulness between us, it was obvious that we were both under the weather and tired. She too had a sleepless night last night. Needless to say, the trip was a fairly quick one and I was back and in the car line to pick up Trenton. I think that was possibly the most exciting part of my day today. No matter what, that boy picks me up every time!
And as bad as I wish I could say that we had a totally fun filled evening around the house tonight, we didn't. David, me, Trenton, and Josie all fell asleep together on the couch for about an hour and after that, it was just the usual routine. All of us were wore out and just kinda blah tonight.. even Trenton which is rare within it's own because he is always, always full of laughter and life. But even though we weren't the usual spunky group running around and carrying on with laughter, we were together so what more could I ask for?
Today has just been awful on my mind. I have literally thought about my brother all day long. And today, I was not able to think about him and smile. I thought about him and was sad. And tonight, as I am the only one still awake as I type this, I wish more than ever that I could pick up the phone and talk to him. Right now is when I would normally be talking to him and it is killing me tonight that I can't. Sure i can talk to him, but I want to hear him. Hear his voice. Hear his laugh. Hear him breathe. Back in high school when my little sweethearts and I would break up, I thought I knew what it meant to have a broken heart. Let me tell ya, that wasn't nothing! I now know the true definition of a broken heart. My heart breaks that Derek is no longer here. It breaks that he is no longer able to be everything he ever was that meant so much to me and everyone that ever knew him. It breaks that Trenton no longer will be able to experience life with him. And it breaks my heart that Derek isn't here to experience Trenton and be able to brag about how he had the best nephew in the world. I honestly think I am almost angered that he isn't here. It angers me to see people that do so much wrong, and cause so many other people to suffer, yet they are still here living it up. But Derek, one of the most caring, loving, considerate, compassionate, funny, smart, ambitious, therapeutic people you could ever meet, is not. What has this other person done to deserve to stay but Derek being everything and so much more than I mentioned was robbed of it? I know life is unfair. But this is truly just that... unfair! I've never missed someone so much in my life.
I do believe the weather is supposed to warm up the next few days.. goodness I sure hope so! I don't know how many more of days like today my mind and heart are going to be able to take. For once, I am almost speechless today. It's a blah day and it just so happens to be so blah, I am going to try and call it a night in an effort to end this awful day in hopes of a better one in the morning. Hopefully starting at 6 am instead of 4!
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