I'm going to be as straight forward and to the point as much as possible in this blog to try and cut down on your chances of having to soon get prescription reading glasses, due to reading horrendously long blogs that I type. Here goes...
This weekend has been a rough one on me. Between the agony of me missing my brother and having only him on my mind, and not getting much sleep due to nightmares and weird dreams, along with not getting any because of just laying in bed staring at the ceiling and thinking, I am mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. No matter what I do, or where I go, my brother is on my mind. It's as if almost everything I see reminds me of him in some way or another. Just looking at people's facebooks remind me of things between me and him. I was browsing some pics on a FB page last night where a very sweet mother took her little girl to The American Girl Doll Company. No big deal right? Beautiful pics, beautiful family, and what looked to be a perfect birthday for a 3yr old little girl. While looking at these pics, I got so emotional that I couldn't hardly stand it. All I could think about was when I went to see Derek last year and the day we were riding into NYC he kept telling me he had a big surprise for me. Yes, I begged him to tell me... he didn't and wouldn't. So as we were walking the crazy blocks, crowded with hundreds of people, we come to a corner and take a right. And to that right was The American Doll Place. You would think I was 5yrs old all over again when I seen it and the funny part was that I still had no clue that that in fact was my surprise from Derek. As we stood on the street corner, and I stood looking in awe through the window, Derek told me that he in fact had been in the city one day and took a wrong turn and came upon it and as soon as he seen it, he knew he was bringing me there since those dolls were always my childhood dream. Yes dream, being I never had one. We both walked around and looked at every thing you could think of to buy for these dolls, how you could make them look like you now compared to the original kirsten, Samantha, etc... and through out this, he seemed just as excited as I was. No not about seeing the dolls but about seeing me excited. We came up to a little scene set up that was a beauty shop and I was looking at all the little hair curlers, blow driers, and clips when Derek looked at me and said "I know it may be a little late in life to bring you here now, but dreams never die right?"... that day was a day between the two of us that I will always hold so dearly to me heart. Not just the surprise, but the day we got to spend together in general being they were few and far since he had moved away. Of course when he would fly into town we got to see each other, but then again he also had a billion other people he wanted to see and that also wanted to see him, and I understood that the same as I understood when we would fly up there we always stayed so busy because he wanted to show me everything he did there and everywhere he went, and all of his "family" he had made there. And since I have already gotten started and going on... point is, everything brings back a memory of my brother. And although I get terribly sad when this happens, should I really? I mean, should I not be thankful that I have memories with him to hold onto forever? Yes, I suppose I should be. And yes, I am. I just feel like it isn't enough. After reading the page in his sketchbook where he was talking about how he felt like I deserved so much more than I had, I keep thinking about it over and over. I believe it was the other way around. He deserved more than he had. Deserved to have a longer life. Deserved to know how much he was loved. He deserved the world. I am not just saying that because he is my brother, but because it didn't matter what was going on, or what you needed, Derek was there and if it called for him doing without, in his eye, so be it. He would do without to make sure you had what you needed. He put the people around him before himself, and cared more for the world around him at any given moment than most people do in a lifetime.
When people ask me how I am, what do I say? "I'm okay.. just hard right now". I lie. I am not okay with this. I try to say it in order to convince myself that I am and will be, but so far, it is not working. If I truly broke down and let someone see how I feel, they would probably need some serious mental evaluations done afterwards. The ball of emotions that run through me right now are enough to break the strongest man in the world. But what am I supposed to say to people? "I'm not okay! I feel horrible! I wish you could feel as bad as I do so you could understand! I am mad at the world! I am heart-broken, I am not me!?" That obviously would not help me or the person listening.... I've been praying for strength through this. I hope it works. Derek always told me I was "the strongest "little" person he's ever met, that when something would get thrown my way in life, I would pick a fight with it and win it every time." If that is the case... why do I feel so weak and helpless right now? I do not believe I am strong.... I believe I am at my weakest.
And friends.... amazing how people you haven't talked to in years have been there more for ya then the one's that are supposed to be your true friends. Derek was always my mentor when it came to telling me advice about my so called "friends". He would tell the truth and at times I didn't believe him, or didn't want to believe him about what he saw in them, but I have to admit, which I did to him also more than one time, he was always right. And now these same "friends" that I have managed to go back and forth with for years, are proving his words all over again. Just because you call me, does not mean you care. If you call me and want to tell me how bad of a day you are having and how you don't know how you are going to handle it and that you can't do this and couldn't do this because it was such a bad day.... maybe you need to stand in my shoes for a minute and then evaluate what a bad day is. Then you have your friends that seem as if they are on stacker 9000 and going mach 9 over the phone about a bunch of bologna that I wouldn't even care about even if none of this was going on. They can't take a breath long enough to ask how you are or to say a kind word to you... but in the conversation they are quick to tell you what someone else said about how they felt about all of this. I can't stand a heartless person. I have no use for them. Sooner than later, these people will realize what being heartless gets them in life. Nothing and nobody. You will never have anything because you will never try and earn it, and you will have nobody because nobody will want to be around you and listen to your bullshit all of the time. That my friend, is a guarantee. And although you may have people around you right this minute, I would bet money that when you lay in bed at night, you still feel lonely because you yourself do not even like yourself. If you can't find the good in your life and yourself, do you honestly think anybody else is going to see it either? No. Probably because when people do the things you do, there is nothing good to look for. It's simply just not there. And to the ones who will be looking for me to be there for them through life changing experiences later on down the road, get that out of your mind quick. Please. I am also done with being there for you when you are nowhere to be found when someone needs you. You too will be alone in the end and you know this too.... that's why you already are.
Sorry, I had to vent the friendship thing out. It's been bothering me... obviously!
And on top of this horrible weekend I have had..... today is a rainy day that I would love to do nothing more than crawl up in the bed and sleep through but I must truck on because I have classes today. maybe for once I will get lucky and get a parking place in the front of the parking lot. Chances are slim though!
And to close this "not supposed to be long blog" out, I must end it by saying that we did go to Chuck E Cheese last night for another try at a good time since the last one wasn't the best for me. And yes, we had an awesome time. I even splurged and spent more money on tokens than I ever have, determined that I was going to play this certain game that I had figured the winning route to, over and over in order to make sure Trenton got some awesome prizes. 1800 tickets!!! He was tickled! And he was such a big boy! Very proud I was!!!
Now- I promised I would end it. And I am. Later Alligator!
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