Pick a fight and win it

After my venting session in my blog last night, and then being able to vent some emotions out to my sister in law this morning, I can honestly say that I feel like the biggest weight has been lifted off of my chest this morning. Compared to how I was feeling when I woke up this morning, I can actually see some hope of this being an "okay" day today. I dreamed about Derek again last night, and on top of dreaming about him, I also had a dream that Josie died. Definitely a thought that I didn't need on top of everything else going on in my mind, but luckily, it was just a dream. And as soon as I got up this morning, again, as soon as my feet hit the floor I started thinking about Derek and got myself upset. Thankfully, I was able to have a good talk with my sister in law and relieve some of the frustration and emotions I have running through my veins right now.

Yesterday, I checked the weather and it was calling for rain today and tomorrow.... After laying in bed last night and thinking about Derek, I told him that I needed the sun to come back. I explained to him that the sun does not fix my problems, and it doesn't fix the hurt I have, but it helps me to want to get out and about and enjoy the weather instead of just sitting at the house locked up by myself, thinking. After I got up this morning, I checked the weather to see what the temp was going to be today so I would know what kind of jacket to put on Trent, and I noticed that they are now saying the weather is going to be SUNNY and 50 degrees tomorrow. Once again, Derek heard me. When I seen this, even though I was upset and crying at the moment, I smiled. I smiled that he heard me. Smiled that he is still doing what he can for me. And smiled because I thought to myself, I know he is in good with the big guy because he has been able to pull some strings every time I have asked him. No matter who you are, or what you think, there is no way that feeling and thinking that way wouldn't automatically ease your heart in a small way. And that is exactly what it did for me when I thought that. It eased my heart. Just like he is taking care of me, I know that God is taking care of him.

Lately, I have been paranoid that people may be thinking I am crazy for the stuff that I believe to be Derek working his magical ways. As I was sitting here thinking this morning, I don't believe I am crazy. People may not get it and that is fine.. I used to not get it either. Never being in this situation before, and never having the heartache and loss like this, I never looked for the signs. If you never look for them, you will never see them. Now, I see them and I believe them. I don't care how crazy I sound, or how crazy people think I am, I know what I see and I know what I feel. And one day, when someone loses someone they love dearly, they too might just find themselves opening their eyes to a world of existence that you never really think about or grasp until something like this happens. Yes, I have always had faith in God and have always believed in Heaven and Hell. But with everything happening with Derek, it has brought out a faith in me that I never knew to exist so strongly in my heart before. Sure I prayed before but I pray all day every day now. Sure, I thought about what heaven would be like but I never looked to see the parts of heaven that exist around me. Before, I pictured heaven sitting on a blanket of clouds with huge golden gates... strange though I've never pictured a building one in my thoughts of heaven. And now that I think about it... wonder why? I picture the clouds that are the land, and the gates, and the people walking around, but never the buildings and exactly what these people would be doing. Now, I see it and believe it all to be wonderful, but nowhere near what my visions were before of it. When I think of Heaven, I picture my brother and what he would be doing. One day, I hope that I too end up in the same Heaven as him and am able be with him and do these things I picture him doing now with him. I am certain that he is going to lead me to the right paths in life to make sure I end up there with him in the end.

Why is it that I always tell myself I am going to be productive today, but my productiveness never starts until 2:00 pm it seems? I get up at 6:00 am in order to get Trenton up and ready for school, and if I myself don't have class, I just come home and sit here. I have all day to do whatever I want and work on whatever needs to be done but for some reason, I just don't do it. I know some people that say if they ever get up and get showered, they wont get any cleaning done around the house. I am the totally opposite. Until I am showered and dressed, make up done and hair in place, I will do nothing but sit and be a vegetable on the couch. And even though I know it takes me getting dressed to motivate me, I will still just sit here until whenever i HAVE to get dressed before thinking of doing so. Maybe that is something that I need to work on and change in my life. Start getting motivated earlier in the day and then I wont have time to just sit and think all of the time. And getting a lot more accomplished in my days I'm sure will automatically give me a better feeling of myself. Hmm.. definitely something I need to consider working on better!

Frappuccinos.. I am addicted. I could literally drink the cold starbucks vanilla frappuccino's from the gas station all day every day. They don't really even give me energy, but I indulge myself with the taste of them. I had seen them for years and would always pick my monster energy drinks over them because the color of them automatically made me think they would just taste like any other creamed coffee drink... like burnt chocolate milk. Then David was drinking one and talked me into trying it one day.. he actually had to force me to try it because I insisted that I didn't need to try it that I already knew I wouldn't like it, and ever since them I am hooked. The only drinks that I can manage to drink that are coffee are caramel frapps from starbucks. I love them! I have tried some other stuff there and although it wasn't awful, and being the price I paid for it, I made myself drink it and half way enjoy it, they still just don't taste right to me. A coffee drinker, I am not. Besides, I'm 5'0" tall... I cant afford to have anything stunting my growth anymore! ha! yes, i know I will never grow any taller, but I can claim that I never had my growth spurt and secretly hope that I am just a late bloomer in life and that it has a future of coming along, right? :)

Little Trenton Lane. What am I going to do with him? :) For one, he is just the sweetest of sweets you've ever seen and Secondly, he has a personality on him that most people strive to have all of their adult life let alone when they are 8 years old. And the little squirt is as sharp as a tack! He is in all of the advanced classes and makes a 100% on almost every test he takes.. and with that being said, why in the world does the little guy insist on just sitting there and not getting his work done at school? I can not for the life of me figure out what is going on with him. When his teachers call on him, he knows the answer every time. So its not like he doesn't know the work and is having trouble.. he just sits there and refuses to do it. Something is going to have to give though because for one, its driving me crazy because I know he has it in him to do better, and it also worries me about something possibly being on his mind. Here we have all been upset about Derek, and although Trenton is 8 and full of laughter, I wonder if it isn't bothering him more than he lets on? He talks about D, and says stuff that lets me know he hurts that D is gone, but naturally, you think being he is a kid, he is resilient. To be 8 years old, Trenton has suffered a lot of losses. When we still lived at home, my grandmother also came to live with us. During the 2 years she stayed with us, he got extremely close to her and when she passed away, he did have some issues with understanding it. Then 2 years later, he lost his Papa whom he loved and thought the world of, and now less than 2 years later, he has lost his Uncle D, whom he was also close to and crazy over. That's a lot of loss for someone to just be 8 years old. And Trenton isn't like most kids to begin with... things stay on his mind that most kids never think a thing about. I have to really watch what I watch on the news and stuff because it will bother him for days and sometimes weeks. And on top of losing so many people he loved, the poor little guy has been through so much in life in general. He's a trooper though! He knows how to hang in there, and still love with everything in him. For that, I am extremely proud. Hopefully, we can get this focusing at school problem taken care of, and figure out whats going on with him in order to get things back on track for him.

Last night in my blog I mentioned some issues with how I felt about some so called friends in my life.. today, I was reading a message someone sent me and I sat there and thought to myself that it is truly amazing how the people you least expect are the ones that do the most for your heart. Here you have these people you talk to everyday and see all the time and they do nothing but stress you out at the thought of them... then you have people you talk to online here and there and haven't seen in years, and they have a better understanding of you and what you need in life than the ones who are supposed to know. I have had a support team through all of this like you wouldn't believe! Some of these people have helped me so much they will never truly understand exactly what they have done for me. And realizing this just helped me to realize that my decision to eliminate some of the bad from my life is something i still agree whole hearted about and will do. Besides, if you fill your life up with nothing but bad, negative people, you don't have much room left for the good ones. No longer will these bad people take up the spaces intended for the good souls. I can guarantee you that! Whether or not I was ready for this new chapter in my life.. a chapter that has been more pain and suffering than I have ever known to exist, I am going to make the best of this new chapter. I am not going to waste time on insignificant people for it has been more than clearly brought to my attention, that you just don't ever know what can happen. And being you just don't ever know, with this new chapter, I am not going to let anyone or anything come in the way of me being me, and me being able to love being myself. For once, I am going to be selfish. For once, I am going to make this about me and my life. And for once, people will just have to get over it because regardless of what they try to say to me to change my mind, I am going to stand my ground and not back down. I am going to pick this fight and win it. Do exactly what Derek always told me to do. Pick a fight, and win it. And for him, I am, I am!!