So catch this.... maybe this is just me having a manic moment as I have learned this past year, I am perfectly capable and willing to have at any moment, but I am seriously thinking about writing a book. I love to write. Always have but really have found an almost passion for it the older I get. Only problem is, what would I possibly write about? I always have so much to say... so a "how to" would NEVER work for me! Reading it, everyone would be like "okay what is the bloody point here?? get to it already!!" so nope, thats not for me! :) However, on the other hand, I could see myself writing a fictional. I've always liked coming up with stories and poems with a twist, and if I do say so myself, I believe I'm pretty good at them. Then again, I would LOVE to write a book about my brother and the influence he has had in my life and everyone that knew him.. a book telling all of the so so so funny stories, quotes, coined phrases, and everything else hysterical he ever did, but of course the so true, so serious, compassionate, loving, and sincere side of him. Oh- and I would LOVE to write a childrens book!! And I could totally see myself writing a "teen" book also... just on life being a teenage girl.. fictional of course. I remember reading "Are you there God? It's me Margaret" in middle school and that book has stuck out to me in my life ever since. Be interesting to write something like that too.... only problem with ALL of these bright ideas of mine, where do you even start?? Glasgow sure isnt the town known for opportunities.. thats for sure and no secret!! Speaking of Glasgow, I want out of here so bad I cant nearly stand it. I honestly believe that as long as I am in this town, my life is going to be what it is and that I will never have the chance to push myself to my full potential and become something or someone. If it weren't for my mom having a nervous breakdown at the mere thought of me leaving, I'd already be gone and would leave tomorrow if could. Maybe one day Mom will realize these things and realize the better chances and opportunities life would bring me and find a way to accept it. I honestly dont believe that its me she worries about leaving... I know it isnt as a matter of fact. It's Trenton. That little boy is her world and life. She would be nothing without him and I believe she would literally mourn herself to death as if she lost another child if I were to leave with him right now. Strange though at the same time.... why strange? This is why. When I had Trenton, I was a senior in high school. Obviously, I still lived at home and being fearful that I wouldn't be able to financially support him on my own and on a one income family, he and I remained with my mom and step dad until he was 4 years old. Now that I look back at the "big" day of us moving out, My mom and step dad handled it quite well. I was actually afraid to tell them that we had found an apartment and were going to be spreading our wings as a duo and leaving the nest. Surprisngly, they handled it and handled it well and even did all that they possibly could in order to make the experience the best possible for Trenton and me. But then came the hard part.... they missd him and missed him terribly. They were so used to being around Trenton and being the main caretakers of him while I was at work when living at home, it was literally killing them to not be around him as often after we had moved out. So in order fix their crave, mom always informed me of when she was off of work and would always tell me "Trenton is spending the night on this night..." Being I tend to put other people's feelings before I do my own far, far, far too often, I would NEVER tell her no. Same as when Trenton's memaw would want to see him, I would never tell her no either. She too was used to Trenton staying at her house with her on the weekends that he was with his dad so when his dad moved out on his own, she too was adjusting to life without a sweet little boy around a lot. And naturally, when his Dad moved out on his own, he wanted to see Trenton (yes, I have a little boy that is truly loved by so many people! Lucky little guy he is!!) so when he would ask for Trenton to come over, I would never tell him no either. I've always had this huge guilt in me that Trenton has never and will never be able to experience life with both parents together, so no way will I ever come between him and his daddy. Boys need their daddy! Of course, and naturally I have to add this too, they sure need their mama's also!!! Anyways, to the point... with all of these people wanting to see this one little boy so much, it left me with hardly any time with him. Regardless of what I had planned and how bad and desperately I wanted to spend time with him, I would never tell these people no and would always allow him to go to their house. Little did I know at the time, I was building a court case against myself in the long run. A court case to where someone,
his dad and step mom, not to mention any names, felt he would be better off coming to stay with them since he was allowed to go there so often and to other family so often. Here that whole time I thought I was doing what was right and best for everyone other than myself. I hated that time, but I knew my mom and step dad were dying to see him (which my step dad was literally dying of cancer and no way would I keep the light of his life away from him when he needed that joy more than anything and I in fact do not and will not regret that a day in my life). I knew Trenton loved his mamaw and papaw and that they sure loved him and tht is why I never told them no. And of course, his dad's visists were court ordered so I
wouldnt couldn't tell him no and during this time he was asking to see Trenton more than he ever had and being that was one thing I always wanted for my child, the attention from a dad, I wouldnt have dared told him no to the extra days either. Now, where I am going with all of this... since my step dad passed away, and especially since Derek passed away, Trenton no longer goes to my mom's as often. They actually go about 2 weeks at a time now without seeing each other. I know, doesnt sound long at all, but trust me, thats a record for her when it comes to Trenton! Sure she calls and talks to him, and everything she ever has to say or ask about is about Trenton, but its not the visists they once shared. Okay, so FINALLY...... what my main point of this is that I really don't understand what me moving away and finding a better way of life would really effect that much? It's not like mom is used to having Trenton around every day like she once was, and if we were to move away, she would still be able to share these phone calls with him. She also could actually skype with him, and of course we would plan "trips" to nana's and let him stay for an extended period of time with her (extended period= 2 weeks). I'm not really sure what her issue about us leaving is other than she wouldnt have that option to see us when she wanted to. Now, if she chooses to have Trenton over (like this weekend), she can. If we were gone, she wouldnt be able to have him at the drop of a call like now.... Plus, since Fred (my step dad died) and since Derek died, Trenton and I are literally all this woman has left. She has no other family..... I think it's amazing that she refuses to date, or even talk to a man because she has gotten used to being alone and says she likes it that way (which I honestly do not and never will believe) but yet she is so fearful of being alone. I know I'm rambling but I have so many mixed emotions on this topic. I want out of this town and don't see the big deal, yet I do see where mom would feel alone and feel guilty leaving her alone. And at the same time as having this guilt, I go back to my life and feel that it's kinda not fair for me to be stuck here. And when I have that thought, I also think, with mom being alone and not living with someone, if something were to happen to her, nobody would know about it and the thought of that tells me to be patient and in due time what is meant to be in my life will be meant to be and happen. I'd never forgive myself if I left her and then something happened to her and nobody was here for her, or even worse, nobody knew and because of nobody knowing and suspecting something, her not surviving because of that. So with all of this jumbled up, randomness being said, I will quit with it here and give you a break on trying to keep up with where I could possibly even imagine going with all of this information. But before I do, let me add, that maybe if I were able to leave this place, certain people would stop with the drama, negative slurs, lies, and fabricated stories that they love and dwell on so much at the same time. I used to fight back... and used to love to fight back. After having Trenton, I realized that fighting back isnt worth anything.... I'm sorry but once you have children and realize what is really important in life, you can't help but realize what's not important at the same time. Feeding the fire does no good. Two people can say what they want to each other and what they have thought or felt for however long, and its not going to do a thing except hurt each other's feelings and keep something not worth it going. It's not going to change how they feel towards each other... it's just going to make it even worse. Finally in my life, I have come to a point to where I love the silence more than the slurs or blows. After many times of David telling me to just be silent and watch a person break, I have listened and boy, he could have never been any more right than he was about telling me that. Unfortunately, when you are dealing with someone that refuses not to have the last word, the silence is just making them crazier acting by the day which actually makes me wonder if I just called this person up and said "say what you gotta say right now. Say it to me and get it off your chest and maybe then you can sleep at night and quit obsessing over the petty stuff" Sadly, I know that would never work because when put in a situation, I have a sharp tongue that will cut someone down before I even realize what I've said. And plus, it would still be feeding it and making it all worse on me than its already been and very apparently is going to continue to be. Oh well, how these people feel is no longer my problem in life and I actually kinda like the way that sounds. "It's no longer my problem in life"... now that is one that needs to stick in my head for good. A lot of these "situations" going on have to deal with people claiming I am not the same person I used to be. Who am I to lie? I'm not. Am I okay with this? Yep. Am I happy with this? Happy is an understatement. We all have things about us that we don't like and you're a liar is you deny it. There were things about me years ago that I didn't like, so what did I do? I changed them. Since I changed them, I'm happier as a person and in my ownself than I have ever been. I may not be happy with the things that have happened in my life, but I am happy with myself in my life.
Big Huge difference in that! I've learned the hard way and slowly to live life for yourself because there is no guarantee that "these people" you are trying to live for or be a certain way for will be in your life in the long run. I'm betting most wont be around. So why change who you are happy with in life, and that who being the most important, yourself, to please other people? If they want you to change, do they really care about you? Do they really even like you? By the looks of it...nope. And since we are now on the topic of certain people in lives, let me add that the ultimate, lowest, most self degrading, distasteful thing a person can do is to bring someone's child into it. I would NEVER in my life say something negative to a mother about her child. I think all of us mothers have this amazing understanding that that is against the rules in a battle and that it is unacceptable. It's just the unspoken of. And even more idiotic is that the phrase that you cant love your child more than anything in this world because you didnt "plan" on having them when you did, is what has upset me more about these rants and raves than anything. I think any mother, whether they are married and were "planning" to have their child, or just so happen to get the biggest "surprise" and gift of their life, knows that this statement was spoken out of ignorance. So, before I let this ignorance wear off on me, I'm leaving it there.
Life is amazing.... no matter how many things can go wrong in my life right now and no matter how much I ty to rub against the grain of all that is happening, I can't help but feel very optimistic and enthused to try it with the grain. Every time something happens that I think is the end of the world, I can honestly say that if you give me a few minutes (preferrably an hour), I can tell you 10 positives to that 1 negative. I'm telling ya, in the past year I have truly learned that you never say "things cant get any worse".. because they always can. And every time you say that, they always will. So slowly but surely, and by all means the hard way, I'm learning to keep my head up and find the things in my life that I am very thankful for along with the things I never realized I was thankful for until training my mind to be positive,
Something even more amazing... "THE DEREK BYRD AWARD"!!!!!!! Oh. My. GOSH! I dont even know where to start with explaining what this award does for my heart! Scratch that... There are no words to even begin. I am still so excited to say that David and I were able to fly to connecticut in order to go to ESPN and me do the honor of giving a speech (not the best I've ever given!) and announce the first ever receipient of The Derek Byrd Award. As soon as I heard about this award, I knew I would give anything in order to be present for it and then one day I received the call from one of Derek's very best friends, Kim, who worked at ESPN with him saying that they were going to cover my ticket. Once again, and time after time, the people (ALL of them) astonished me. So after the good news that I was a for sure for attending, the planning and excitement started to unfold. Unfortunately, the day before flying up there, I was Horribly sick! I could not hold my head up for nothing! I honestly was afraid that I wasn't going to make the flight up there and so was David. Dave was actually so worried, he called them about an hour before we needed to leave to head to the airport and told them that he didn't know what to do and that I was terribly sick. David was worried that if we flew up there, I was going to be sick the whole time, and I was worried that if I did go, I would feel better the next day and regret it. So with that being the thoughts in my head, I pushed through and
made slept it through the flights. And low and behowe, the next day, I felt fine! I'm telling ya, a prayer was answered that day. While we were there, we got to see so many of Derek's friends and get to spend so much time with them. Each night that we were headed back to the hotel, I wasn't ready for the night to be over. I'm a sleeper dont get me wrong, but that weekend, I could have went on pure happiness and excitement! I love seeing all of Derek's friends and sharing so many memories and stories of him. If Trenton had of been with me, I swear i would have stayed forever! In the not so great speech that I gave, I told them about a time that Derek told me "OMG Kacie, the people are amazing up here..." I alway believed him, and as I would visit him and get to meet a few of these people at a time, I started to realize that he was so right. I actually started to realize what the true meaning of friends is. These people have actually made me long to have them and people like them in my life more. I had so much more during that speech that I wanted to say, but I ended up getting upset to the extreme i didnt even think I was going to be able to come to a point to where I could think of finishing it. Luckily, everyone understood! The whole experience was amazing! It's amazing that Derek impacted these people so much that they made this award in his honor. Amazing that they all came together like they did to have us there. Amazing in how they treated us and made us feel so welcome. David and I tell everyone that they literally treated us like we were celebrities! We got to meet so many people that knew Derek and thought so much of him along with some of the BIG dogs of ESPN (senior vice president of espn for example). It was just an overall amazing exerpience shared with amazing people that I will never forget!!
Sorry this blog has been so long.... been a long time since I've vented with my fingers and a keyboard! And maybe things really are looking up... I've noticed that I have used the word amazing in this blog probably more than any other word!! That has to be a good sign!
