A week ago today, I recieved a call at 3 am that forever changed my life. A phone call that I would not wish on my worst enemy. A call that instantly made the beat of my heart, a little slower. A call informing me of the passing of my one and only brother, Derek.
Aww Derek... a true one of a kind! He was the best big brother anyone could ever dream of having, and a bestfriend like you've never known to exist. A talented artist, a man with a song for every occasion. Caring, loving, hysterically funny, but quiet. Protective of his family, friends and what meant most to him, forgiving, inspirational, and complex. Yet simple. He had an ability to bend over backwards for everyone around him even when he didn't know you quite that well yet. No matter how big the favor, consider it done when you asked Derek.
And as I could go on and on about the qualities Derek possessed that many in the world long to hold, you would only understand if you knew him, which many, many, many people did. I can honestly say that I have never seen anybody in my life that had as many true friends as Derek had. Not just friends. True friends. And with each one of these true friends, they all had a special, yet different relationship with him than the next. I really don't think he ever realized how many people truly loved him for what he was. Himself.
Having a big brother is something special, but to be able to call them your bestfriend is even more special. A brother, and a bestfriend. A perfect package! No matter what time of day or night, no matter where he was and who he was with, if I called, eveything else was put on hold. Whether it be to just say, "Hello" and "Thinking of you", or to call and warn him that I had already made mom mad for the day and to not call for a few hours so he didnt get caught up in the middle, he was there. When I was surrounded by people in the world but felt alone, Derek always reassured me that I wasnt. That I had him and we were in it together. When I would call to vent out the newest drama of my life that he used to joke about and say that I was magnetized to draw in, even if there was nothing he could do or say to fix the problem, he always had a way of fixing it. Be it good advice, an open ear, his opinion, or just a pep talk to convince me I was better, I was fixed. We would get so homesick for each other with him living in CT, that it literally killed us at times. He wanted to move closer to home so he could see me, mom and Trenton more. We would talk and actually daydream about what it would be like to just jump in the car and be able to see each other anytime we wanted. :) Something we promised each other we would get to do someday....
Derek and Trenton. Two peas in a pod. He loved his nephew! People actually mistaked him for being his own son at times... not only because they favor so much, but because of how he was towards Trenton. "Uncle D"- an uncle who stepped up to the plate for Trenton when nobody else did. An uncle who found it in himself to want to be a better person (he already couldn't get much better!) so Trenton would have someone to look up to. Before moving away, where you found one, you found the other. Sometimes I would go downstairs and he would have Trenton down in his art studio painting away together, Derek wearing his famous painting jeans that he used to wipe his brushes on that themselves had turned into a piece of art in their own way, and Trenton covered in paint from the tiniest of his toes, up to his nose. Other times, I would walk in and he would be taking pictures of Trenton. Thousands of them. I remember walking in when Trenton was only a few weeks old and he had him sitting in his bean bag, taking pictures of him holding a coca-cola can and talking about how he was gonna raise him right. You see, Derek and I always had this debate on which was better... Pepsi or Coke. I drank Pepsi, and Derek drank coke. A cokaholic is what I would call him. And he was! Seriously! To the point that I remember sitting down at his desk in his room one day and looked over and seen a coke can sitting there that had not been opened. For it to not be opened was a big deal, so I picked it up. Written on the can with a permanent marker it stated "FOR EMERGENCY USE ONLY" and had the date on it as well. I laughed and laughed at him over that while he explained to me that he was afraid that he would be having a fit for one and we would be out and "you gotta be prepared for the worst ya know?"... :) Eventually, he did convert me to coca-cola which has remained to be my favorite. I don't think I have ever bought a 12 pack of coca-cola and not have him come to mind as I put it in the cart.
Memories... something your heart can hold onto that nobody can take away. Something I will cherish forever when it comes to Derek. Precious memories. Derek was always so protective over me. Growing up it made me feel safe, and at the age of 16 it pissed me off. :) He was so protective over me that in my teen years he would give me a hard time over everything I did. At the time, I didn't realize where he was coming from with it but as I have gotten older, I understand every bit of it. When I was 7 our parents split up and were in the midst of a divorce, leaving Derek and I to feel that we were all each other had for certain in life. I remember him telling me that after school one day as he fixed my snack like he always did. After the divorce, mom went back to work so in the mornings and afternoons, it was just me and him. He made sure I had everything I needed for the day before helping me onto the schoolbus, and was there entertaining me and taking care of me in the late afternoons. May not sound like such a big deal for some, but being he was 7 years older than me making him 15 at the time, it was a big deal for him to put his skateboarding and friends on hold to watch over me. And as we have gotten older he has admited to me that at the time he hated he couldn't go run the roads with his friends, but now that he looks back, he would have it no other way. He became my protector. Always worried about me and what I was feeling during all of it, and making sure he knew I was taken care of. And that that is when he promised himself that regardless of how he felt about things, I was the number one concern in his life and I had always remained that way since. Something that I have even cherished in my heart even if at the age of 16, I refused to look at it that way. And with everything that Derek was, and everything he made sure he was to me, he never thought it was good enough. Not too long ago we were on the phone with each other and he was telling me how he felt bad that he couldn't ever be more to me. As this conversation went on for hours, I assured him he was thinking the wrong way. That he was everything to me and that there was no such thing as being anything better than what he had always been to me.
And the laughter. When Derek was around there was endless laughter. It didn't matter when, or where, If Derek was along, you were laughing. I can't even begin to tell all of the crazy funny things he has done, and the one's we've done together. From tieing fishing line up in our mom's living room to make it look like a spider web that she profusively tried to knock down with a broom for months before realizing what was going on, to painting our faces with black paint under our eyes as we shot the man's motorcyle with a paintball gun across the street for racing and revving it up at 3 o'clock in the morning. Wrestling all of the time as I was the little one he got to practice all of the big time wrestler's moves on, and sitting and watching skateboarding videos with each other for endless hours. Sitting in silence and listening to music and swearing we heard a woman talk (we both are still convinced we heard it) when there was nobody around. Driving down the road and a bird flying in the passenger side window that I was sitting at, and flying across the car out of the driver's window he was at while we were both screaming at the top of our lungs, and putting saran wrap over the tiolet bowl in the bathroom so whenever someone went to pee it would spash back up on them. Then there was the time we kept our aunts dogs who are meaner than rattlesnakes that broke out of their cage... I was in the shower and heard the awfulest banging noise I've ever heard and as I came out, Derek had the broom banging it on the floor at them telling them to "GIT, GIT, GIT!" and "Sammy! What kind of dog has the name Sammy?!?!" And as the dogs did as they pleased and would not get back in the cage, all the while trying to eat us alive, Derek looked at me with his eyes as big as a half dollar and said "Run for the car!". We left, and didn't come back that day. :) There were never ending jokes we played on each other. He was scared of mice, and myself am afraid of worms. Anything dealing with either towards each other, was a prank ready to happen. Be it him throwing twigs at me to convince me it was a worm in the rain, or me putting a furry little mouse that cats play with in his bed so when he pulled the sheets back he seen it. We had a tale for every adventure. The old man eating a moon pie with a beard as long as 31-E... oh my gosh how we laughed at that. Derek said "Hell, I thought they quit making moon pies in 1979!". :) No matter what kind of day you had, Derek always put a smile on your face. I could go on and on about stories... him and his friends putting firecrackers under my mom's window at 2 and 3 o'clock in the morning, throwing water balloons at mom off the roof. You name it, Derek has done it!
And while sitting here typing this, and thinking I am speechless in the beginning, I am not. I want to tell you everything I can ever remember about my brother. From him wearing the big baggy jeans (size 40) back in the days of skateboarding and driving a baby blue volkswagon bug, to cleaning up after moving to florida and coming back in armani and banana republic. How when you'd see him one time he was cleaned shaved with short hair, and the next would have a full beard and hair past his ears. How he had a talent for art that you would never believe. Anything his hands touched turned into a masterpiece. Being it a paintbrush, pencil, or working the gadgets he fooled with at ESPN where he worked in Connecticut. He had a way about him that made the oridinary magical. How he always said I was crazy (in a good way), and came up with the name Kracie for me. How regardless of what was going on in his life, he still made sure yours was perfect. How he loved Trenton and my mom. I used to always tell him he was nothing but a mama's boy.. and he never denied it. While this week has been the hardest week I have ever in my life had to face, I have thought and thought about him and actually smiled. Smiled about the things we have done, the things he would say, and not to forget that I was fortunate enough to have someone such as he in my life and to also call him my brother.
And although this hurt and void in my heart has made me feel alone, I know I am not. It let me know that I myself have friends like Derek's. My friends Tabatha and Stacy have been there for me like no other this week. Tabatha especially. With life being busy and all of us growing up and having families of our own, time gets away and we don't often get to see each other or talk that much for that matter. With her being there for me every step of the way through all of this, it has made me realize that she is still one of my bestfriends. I have known it, but for her to go out of her way the way she has just let me feel and see the feelings of knowing it. Between her and David this week, I dont know what I would have done. I've never in my life cried so much and wiped away tears to the point I have no skin left under my eyes. Who needs to worry about crows feet when you just tore your whole epidermis off and it's growing back fresh and new? :) And through all of this crying and hurt, it has been the smallest yet biggest things that have meant the most to me. Derek had about 10 friends fly and drive in from Connecticut and one from South Carolina to see him. That alone comforted me in a way you cant begin to imagine. Knowing they loved him as much as I did to take the time, the money, and the loss of money at work to come helped me to know that he wasnt alone in CT. That he had made friends that themselves were true friends like the one's he had here. He always told me he wished ALL of his friends could meet each other... and his wish came true. They did. And amongst his "wishes" of things, he always said he wanted me to meet his friend Annette and that he thought me and her would kick it off great, as he talked about how much he cared for her and loved her. He was right. I finally got to meet her, and he wasnt exaggerating when he talked about how special she was. And one more wish granted... he wanted all of his friends to meet Trenton. And now they have gotten to see why Derek loved him so much.
Yes, this week has been the hardest I've faced in my life. Yes, I am scared.And Yes, I have a broken heart that hurts like I never knew possible. But I know my brother is watching over me. I know he is protecting me the same as he always has. When something brings a smile to my face, I know it is with the help of him. The sun shining, the snow falling for Trenton, a flower blooming in my flower bed (I do not have a green thumb at all), and that when the sun sets it is him painting the sky as brilliantly as he did everything else. And while this is going to take a long time to getting "used to", and a whole lot of praying.... I know my brother is dancing with the angels. That now when the thunder scares Trenton I can tell him it is just D bowling up in heaven instead of just the angels bowling. And that now Derek can help give God some laughs as he did everyone else. I know he is with me, in my mind, spirit, and heart. But as selfish as I am, I can not accept that. I want him here. With me. Everytime my phone beeps I secretly pray it will say "Message from Derek", although I know it wont. And just like he inspired to try and be a better person for the people around him, for him I myself will do the same. I will make him proud, make him smile. Make it to where I know I will see him again someday. And when I do, it will be me and him just like old times of going out and dancing, but we will be dancing amongst the angels.
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