Blah, Blah, Blah! That is exactly the way I felt all day long today! No matter how many Vanilla Frappuccino's I grabbed from the cooler at the convenient store that would normally make my day just by being able to taste the yumminess of it's smoothness in my throat, I could have swore for a moment that they were literally just making me feel even more blah than I already was. After 4... I decided that was enough money wasted towards something that obviously was not perking me up. But I did stop by Mama's today after I got out of class, and I had a really good visit with her. Although I didn't stay too terribly long because of being so sleepy from the crashing effect I was suffering from drinking too many frapps, it was still a good visit. Something I was really needing after sitting around and thinking for too long last night! And while I was there, I also got my things from the funeral home. I didn't realize they would be in so quickly but Mom went and picked them up for me today and I now have a necklace that is sterling silver, and is what I would call a tear-drop shape (its actually very chic looking) that has some of my brother's ashes in it, and I also have the ittiest bittiest little urn you've ever seen with some of his ashes, and hair in it. Not sure what made me want to do this, or even think of it for that matter, but when I got home with my urn, I opened it to look in it... For some reason, I wanted to make sure everything was in there. It is. And it helps me to know I still have a piece of him with me forever. Even when I am out and about, he is with me around my neck, protecting and watching over me as he always did. Mom got a necklace too but hers is in the shape of a heart. She told me it was comforting to her also... so that is one good thing in our day today. Something of Derek comforted us rather than making us sad. May sound small to you, but at least it is a start at this life we are having to adjust to. Mom herself could not find it in her to get a mini urn... that is actually why she buried his ashes because she says she doesn't think she can handle the heartache of seeing an urn and knowing it is him. To each his own though right? We all handle things differently, and we all grieve differently. I like my mini one, and it in fact looks like one that Derek himself would pick out.
Let me go on next by saying that Trenton was the sweetest little thing today! He got right up, got himself dressed fully (this is a never!!! Picture me normally dressing him while he is still sound asleep laying in the bed.. having to tap on either leg to let him know to raise it to put his sock on, or to put that leg in his jeans, and the same with his feet. I think the only physical part of getting dressed for Trent in the mornings is when I have to have him sit up so I can put his shirt on him but even then, as soon as he feel it come over his head, he instantly falls backwards onto the pill and back to sleep before you can blink an eye), brushed his teeth, and then even stood there for 5 minutes just brushing with water convincing me that he was doing an extra good job at "polishing" his teeth. Then he took it upon himself to wet and comb his hair, although I did have to do a few minor adjustments since he decided to do like I do with it and put some gel in it except instead of a nickel sized amount, I would say he used a half dollar sized amount and then proceeded with combing it straight back. He is convinced that "cool kids" wear their hair gelled and combed back and that it makes him look like a biker dude... I think of the greasers from the outsiders, so now Trent himself calls it the greaser look. :) And even after doing everything to help me out on a tight schedule this morning, he managed to stop dead in his tracks while walking through the kitchen, turn around, run up to me and give me one of the biggest hugs ever! If the hug wasn't enough to already fix my moment of blahness, he then continued to tell me how good of a job I do at driving a stick shift while going down the road. Now, if more men could just be so considerate and determined to let the women in their lives know they are amazed at what they can do, this world would be a better place! At least for us girls it would be! Luckily, I have not only Trenton who does this for me, but David too. :)
After all my sweetness from Trenton, and then being totally stressed out in class today trying to get caught up, Trenton asked if he could stay with his Nana tonight so he could help take care of her. Bless his heart... when he called to ask her, he said "Hello Nana, this is Trenton. Do you care if I stay the night with you tonight? Mommy said I have to ask you and it is whatever you want, but I really do want to come take care of you tonight so can you make it what I want too? I promise I will be a good boy Nana because I know you are upset about D but I love him too Nana and won't act ugly." Of course, she said yes! So Trent is with Mom tonight... God love him! He is just the sweetest thing sometimes! Even trying to describe him the best I can, it still does no justice for who he truly is and what he is really like in person. To really get the full effect of Trenton, you have to hear his soft little voice saying it. And when you do if you haven't already, you will then understand why everyone melts like butter when it comes to him. Lets just hope he never realizes he has these powers over everyone in his life! Haha!
As soon as I got home from visiting mom, my blahness came back into effect yet again. Not sad. Not happy. Not anything. Just blah. I was convinced that a good pair of high heels, a little make up, some sparkly dangle earrings, and a fancy top would cure this blahness. It did! I got as fixed up as possible without looking out of place (seriously.. you don't want to go overboard and look like you're trying to go to prom or anything with it! lol), and David, my friend Stacy and her boyfriend Jon and I went to Bowling Green to eat at Olive Garden. Oh my gosh was it good! I am not sure how I manage to do it, and it's only there... but I seriously think I could out eat a grown man in that place. Actually, I do every time. I out do David when it comes to eating there and that is a big accomplishment considering he will eat, eat, eat, and then eat some more no matter where we are. With it being my favorite place to eat, I guess that has a lot to do with it also! But even though the heels perked me up, and I was with good company, enjoying good food, I still thought about my brother. The last time I flew up to see him by myself, my last night there Derek and I went and ate at Olive Garden. I always get the Parmesan crusted tilapia, but when he ordered Lasagna that night, I went with the same for myself. We both ate until we were almost sick that night... I remember it so clear that I remember the drinks the girls in the booth across from us were ordering and how Derek cracked up and started with his jokes about how big the glasses were and how little the girls were.... and now that I think about it, I enjoyed dinner tonight along with the thoughts of my brother instead of making myself upset over the memory I was reliving about him. Another accomplishment for me today. Again, at least I am able to be thankful for these memories today and not hate the hurt I feel when thinking about him. I did it. I was able to think of my brother and smile! And more than once today!
Lately I've been complaining that nights are my worst.. and they truly are but I never realized why it gets worst at night than in the day until the car ride home while ago. For one, driving his car around keeps him on my mind while I am in it, so to be going down the interstate so miserably full that neither David nor I had the energy to keep a conversation going, all it did was allow me to think about Derek even more. I have originally been thinking that my nights are the worst because it is when everything slows down. Trenton is in bed and not running around and keeping me occupied, and all of the other errands and people have slowed down and stopped for the day too, leaving me here and unable to sleep with a mind racing and just thinking even more. But on the way home tonight while driving on the parkway that seemed to stretch 100 miles instead of the 14 it really does, it dawned on me why nights are so bad. Nights are when I talked to Derek. He worked night shift at ESPN... sometimes from 4 pm - 4 am... so what was considered my night, was his day. Even though my phone had already stopped ringing for the day, Derek was just beginning his play time of calling people and texting and I was always one of them. At night I am used to receiving at least some type of communication effort from him... and now, it has stopped. And while I am sitting here awake and thinking, I realize that I am not able to call or text him like I always would if up during the night. A constantence of my life has stopped and that alone makes a different in my evenings regardless of who or what it is about. Being it is the constant reminder that I have a brother that has stopped, makes it the worst. But at least I now realize one of the many, I'm sure, reasons my nights have turned into nightmares. And although it saddened me to realize this while driving, and bringing it to reality gave my heart one more deep stab, I can only feel that it is something that is going to help me through these nights right now. At least I am starting to understand one thing about all of this. Even if it is just the understanding of what my mind is doing at night, that's one down. I just pray that I will soon be able to grasp even more things and find a true understanding in them. If anyway possible of doing this, I think I can once again become myself. No, I will never be the same person I don't think without my brother being here, but I can still be the person that he always loved and be the person he always talked about to other people. I can still be me but with a new perspective on what life really is about and hopefully not take the small things in life for granted whether it be that hug I was needing so badly from mom last night, the butterfly that seems to keep swarming around your face although you've swatted it away 10 times already, the rainbow in the sky, or even a shooting star. Each and every day I am going to find something to be positive about and something to appreciate. It's time to appreciate what life is really about and not what it's all cracked up to be. About the person you are, and the people you love, not the things you want and the things you have. Think about it... what good does it do "keepin up with Joneses" if the Joneses aren't going to be there forever? Yes I know... that is a good point. Very proud of just coming up with that one off the top of my head! :)
So, lessons learned today: Slowly, Derek is showing me a way to live with him in a different way. He is showing me a way to love him the same as I always did, just in a different way. And he is showing me that there is a way to find peace and understanding in all of this. It may take longer than I wish, but I have faith that he has a reason behind it all... including when he decides is the best timing for the many life lessons he is about to embark me through for the rest of my life. Besides, Derek always pushed me to be a stronger person... he was convinced that if he pushed me to be stronger, then one day I would actually look at myself and believe it too. I believe he is going to keep his word on it! :)
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