To start this off let me first say that as soon as my feet his the floor this morning, I was not in the best of moods. I dreamed some crazy stuff all night last night and didn't sleep worth a hoot so I am not sure if that had something to do with me being mad at the world starting at 6:00 am today or not... But anyhoo! Although we were dang near close to be late for school this morning, Trenton and I did manage to have a good morning. I'm not really sure what it has always been about when it comes to Trenton but when it came to Derek and his cars, Trenton loved them. Every time he would find out that uncle D was coming to town he wanted to know if he was driving his Blue Mazda home? Then after the blue Mazda had a minor little boo-boo that no cosmetic surgery could fix along with turning into a paraplegic, D got his orange Hyundai Accent. Being that he bought the car here and drove it back home since Mr. blue decided to go blue for real on us, Trenton got to see it first thing and from there on out, every time Derek would announce a visit in store, Trenton wanted to know if D was driving his orange car home. Of course, D's orange car is home now.... which is nothing exciting to us being it's missing the most important part.... Derek. But leave it to Trenton, he is still amazed with Uncle D's car. I personally have the car right now and I have admit that it has been a difficult thing to get in it at first and drive it. As soon as I turned it on, Johnny Cash was in the CD player singing wide open out of the speakers. Derek always loved Johnny Cash. And of course to see a few items of his here and there left in it that I can't find it in myself to take out yet, it's just been a hard thing. A reminder of what all is going on I guess you could say? Thankfully, Trenton's excitement towards the car helps distract me from going into tunnel vision while driving in it. If you know me, and you know Trenton personally, you will know that there is nothing us two wont do together. I don't care what I have to do in order to get some excitement and a smile out of him, or how bad it embarrasses me, I am going to do it. Besides, you can't tell me you don't get the giggles yourself when you get embarrassed! I think that is just a given for everyone in life. Actually... scratch that. There are the few that just get mad at the world and act crazy all over being a little embarrassed. But you get my drift of where I was going! So Trenton and I were on the way to school and he was asking a million questions about when to change gears and how I know what gear to put it in and pretty much asked any other kind of question you cant imagine an 8 yr old asking. Notice: Can't imagine being the key words. He even asked me what kind of motor is has, what kind of exhaust, and for some strange reason asked me if it had tilt and cruise control! :) Little guy just cracks me up! In the middle of my car trivia about D's car that I had no answers for, Trenton and I had pulled up to the stop sign to turn onto the bypass to head towards school. As we sat there and waited for the oncoming traffic to pass, Trenton had asked me if I knew how to burn rubber. I actually hesitated before answering because I didn't want him to get any kind of ideas from me.. :) So I managed to muster up a small fib and say "No, actually I have no idea how to burn out." No sooner than I said that, the coast was clear and apparently for longer than I had realized because the car behind me had started to get irritated and honk at me. Naturally, what do you do? You kinda gun it to take off just to get them off your backside... no pun intended! Ha! Maybe it's where I am used to the cavalier that for real has no "go" to it at all and it is an automatic, so when I kinda gunned D's car, and add the thought of the rain coming down and the roads being semi-swamped with dirty water, I got nowhere. I just sat in one spot for what seemed like 30 seconds just peeling out. I honestly kinda freaked over it thinking I was going to get pulled over or something if the wrong person saw me do that, not to mention the giggles kicked in because I had embarrassed myself to the drivers around me, and when I heard Trenton saying ,"WHOOOHOOO! Burn Baby Burn! Oh My Gosh D, did you see that!! Mama is driving your car like she is drag racing!", I was laughing so hard, I literally thought I was going to have to pull over to calm down before trying to finish our route to school all while smelling the fumes of the tires left on the pavement behind me, and somehow not doing apparently what i needed to be doing and it causing us to hopscotch across the intersection. Yes, hopscotching is what I am going to call it. Ever seen someone driving a stick shift and the car looks like its jerking and bunny hopping at the same time? HA!! Yes? That was me and Trenton this morning after getting tore up that I actually burned some rubber! Sad part is.. I really do know how to drive a stick... but this morning, you would have never known it if you could have seen us hopping across the 2 lanes of traffic! lol I have even gotten tickled at the thought of him saying that while typing this. Yes, this ended up being a good part of my day! For one, any kind of memory with Trenton is worth it. And second, it reminded me of Derek teaching me how to drive a stick. He thought he was going to be slick and get me on a hill since I had been doing so well on the regular roads and really test me out. Well he got me on the hill, and all I did on that hill was sit in one spot and peel out. Forever. Seriously. To the point that the only thing Derek could say to me was, "STOP! STOP!" and while he was yelling stop at me, I was just looking at him dieing laughing which then led to a response from him of "No Seriously! STOP!" Oh gosh how we have laughed at that story so many times over the past few years! Of course it was one of those stories to where you really had to be in the car with us to get the true effect of what was really going on and in order to really get it, you would have just had to see my brother's face and him freaking out. Derek never freaked out. Ever. So when he did, it was comical to me. Always!
Unfortunately, after mine and Trenton's mini peel out session this morning, within 5 minutes he was walking in the doors to school, and I was on my way back home. I honestly think at times that if he wouldn't miss out on having all of his friends, and all of the activities and functions to look forward to such as prom, or graduation and all of the other fun things in between, I would seriously home school him. There are mornings that it literally just eats me alive to make him go to school because I just want to spend as much time as I can with him. But being I will never home school him for these reasons, the
At 3:30 today, my brother was officially laid to rest. And although I had prayed to him to ask God to hold off on the rain long enough to get through it at the cemetery, after his service, I was proud to know it was raining. Our preacher had mentioned something I wrote on the funeral homes page to Derek saying how he was the reason I smiled on rainy days. And as he went on with his service in honor of Derek, he mentioned that to be laid to rest on a rainy day means to be showered with love and a renewal of life. For the first time in my life I think, I was proud to be sitting under a canopy tent in the rain while my curls shrunk and got even curlier. It truly did turn out to be a beautiful service for him despite the weather. And another thing that hit home with my during his service was the fact that while the preacher was talking about my smiles on rainy days, and it being a renewal of life for it to be happening right that moment for Derek, he also mentioned that after every storm comes peace. And after every storm comes the sun. And after every storm comes the rainbow. When he said that, I'm not quite sure if it was Derek secretly whispering it to me in my ear or what, but for a moment, I felt as if everything is going to be all right. That there will be peace at the end of this, and one day I will again be able to think about my brother and smile from ear to ear the same as he always done for me, instead of thinking about him and crying until the tears are no longer there. After today, I know it will be possible.
After the service, Trenton was invited to go visit with his Papa Bob for a while so mom and I went to eat at Colton's. Much need one on one time for each of us with the right person. While Mom and I sat there and cut into our steaks, we talked but then again, we didn't. With the way Derek has been on my mind, I can not imagine how he has been on hers and between the two of us together, it is very obvious that we are both having some trouble with this. Although we talked about all sorts of different things, and tried to keep ourselves occupied to keep from getting upset, it was like we were talking about nothing. I'm not sure if that really makes any sense to you, and maybe it does. But if you had been a fly on the wall, you would know what I am referring to by saying that. I tried to keep the conversation going, and if I have to TRY then you know something is really going on. Kacie NEVER has to try to talk... most of the time I have to force myself to stop. But as I kept what I could of what you would call a conversation going, all I could do was look at Mama, and just feel so sorry for her. As she was buttering her roll, her hands were shaking and every time I looked at her face, I could just see the anguish in her eyes. Mom and I may bump heads a lot, but Mama is my go to lady! No matter what is going on in my life, she is there. Most of the time trying to fix it for me and to sit there and see her like she is, I just feel so helpless. I am not able to do what she has always done for me by assuring her everything will be okay. I myself can't admit that I believe everything is going to be okay, and I cant find it in myself to lie to her and tell her that. And if I could manage to spit the words out to her, she would think the same as me about it. And ever since our early dinner together today, I've had her on my mind heavy too. I normally receive tons of calls and texts from my mom everyday, and to not get them as much, it's strange to me. As bad as I may fuss about it at times, today it is what I have been wishing for. I myself have turned into her I believe because every little thing I could think of, or to say to her, I have called and called and sent a ton of texts to her. I can only imagine how alone she is feeling right now... she just buried her husband not even 2 years ago until April 10th.. and now Derek. I have Trenton and David around me and I still feel so lonely so I am sure it is more than likely a very unbearable feeling to her right now. And being there alone, and just thinking..... gosh! My 7 hours of alone time in the day make me want to check myself in somewhere at times, so can you imagine it being 24/7 of being alone and thinking? I think I am starting to realize why mom worries so much all the time... not just now, but always. A worry wort she is! You cant sit there alone every day nearly and not do anything but think.... and of course when thinking starts picking up, craziness just starts to get a little more crazy. I really need to come up with something big to show her how much I appreciate her and how much I truly love her with everything in me. Something to let her know she is not alone... and I want to figure this out fast.
Now, take everything I just mentioned about mom sitting at the dinner table and put my dad in that place except sitting in his house. When I look at him, I get the same feeling. His hands too, shake. A look in his eye is gone. And with him being a man, it worries me just as much simply because most of the time, men don't show their emotions and tend to bottle them up and hold them in, then making it a horrible thing for them when it does start to surface to the top to breathe for a while. I really hope that he can find a way to grieve what is right for him, and for him to remain okay during it all too. I have a quality about me that I myself feel is awful to have at times, but it is one that David swears is one of the reasons he loves me so much and one thing he would never in his life try to change about me. I feel sorry for everyone. I can be driving down the road and see an old person walking and feel sorry for them for hours afterwards to the point that I keep talking about them. When I watch a movie there is always something that happens that I think is pitiful and that makes me feel sorry for one of the characters to the point it will stay in my mind for days. Already feeling this way about things that do not amount a bit of hell to me in life bothers me to a point that I cant begin to describe it. So with seeing mom and dad this way, and feeling this way about them, it is eating me up. Derek and I always joked about how dysfunctional our family is and how it was even possible for me and him to turn out half way normal like we did.. and although we joked. We really did mean it at times. :) Now, we are not a normal family. We are missing a big piece of our family. And I think it's safe to say.. Derek and I were right. For the time being right now, we are all totally dysfunctional without him being here. Between seeing both of my parents today, and sitting around the house and thinking all day, I've never just wanted to hug either of them so much in my life. A hug... whats that huh? Normally, I am no hugger. If you hug me, I hug you back. But I have no initiative in me to walk up to anybody and hug them. If I ever do, please consider yourself a one in a million, and then go buy as many lottery tickets as possible to play for the big jackpot that evening, because I guarantee you it is your lucky day if I do! So with me just wanting to hug both of them and squeeze them to where I can't squeeze any harder, it's honestly bothered me that I am sitting on my couch tonight and not stopping be their houses to do just that. And even though I was with both of them this evening, and I did a quick hug goodbye to them, it's not the kind I want them to feel. Not the kind I want to give them right now. I was already at home when I started to really think about all of this, and naturally I didn't leave the house in this messy rain/ flash flood/ hurricane/ tornado we are trying to experience outside of our houses, assuming that I can just call or go by and see them tomorrow and do so. But now is where my mind really starts to get tricky on me.. as I sat her and convinced myself to let it go for tonight and that I was home and home to stay, my mind started saying "what if?"... and the truth is, we just don't ever know.
Now to put a finale onto this monster of a blog, I did manage to get all of my math homework caught up tonight. That alone was like taking the weight of an elephant standing on a thimble off my shoulders! I was really getting worried about my classes so with that being the one that I had the most make up work to do in, it feels great to know I am officially caught up and ready for class Monday morning! You would think with the excitement of getting that done and seeing how good it made me feel that I wouldn't have stopped there and just went ahead and started my portfolio paper or would have at least tried to study for my test tomorrow in order to keep myself up in good spirits even longer about my classwork right? No. And I will tell you why... first, no idea what my test is over. No idea at all! So... not sure how that one is going to go and maybe the teacher will be understanding and let me do it Monday or something... either way, I'm chancing it. And another reason I decided not to.. for the first time in my life I watched Shawshank Redemption. Holy Snickers! I can not believe I have let a movie that freaking good go by so long without me ever stopping to watch it. I loved it! And yes, it was definitely one of those movies I was referring to in an earlier paragraph that makes me feel sorry for the characters. So now, you can only imagine me already feeling sorry that way for mom and dad, and now add the pitifulness I feel in me over the movie. I literally am just a ball of emotions that is running on never ending batteries. I've always wished I had the drive in me to go, go, go all the time.. but, I never meant for it to be just in my mind. Back to the most famous quote about me... "I am my own worst enemy". And for one last final thing to say.... and yes I promise I will make this the last! :) I find it completely strange when I see how people act when someone passes away. No, not how they grieve or anything like that. But for the ones who really were never there. Ever. Okay so you knew him when you were 12.. and you only saw him once or twice a year then. And since we've all gotten older, you have been non-existent but then you go and start calling him bubba? And acting as if you are having the worst time in your life right now due to all of this happening. You never talked to him before... never thought about him when he was here. And you sure as hell never called him "Bubba". And no I don't mean this like people saying "he was like a brother to me"... no. This is totally different. I just can't help but hear and see these things being said and wonder about the persons true sincerity in it. Honestly, it makes me feel as if you want to join in on a pity party and if that is the case, that you want attention so bad in life that you run after things like this... man you have some problems! I don't want these emotions. I wish I could still say that I never knew what it feels like. But, forever I will know now. If none of this had happened to my brother, I would not be feeling this way which I wish more than anything it would be the way was and not what it is now. People that do this "bubba" stuff chase after anyone that they've ever even heard their name. Small town people.. we hear names all the time but that doesn't mean I am going to go flailing myself and acting a fool because they passed away when I did not even know them like that. I for real can not stand attention whores! Oh gosh they eat me up to the core! And to use my brother as your inspiration to get some apparently much needed attention in your life... that is sick. He was nobodies bubba... not even mine. Just my brother and my best friend, D-worm to some, D-murder to most, Uncle D to the eyes of the kid who thought the sun set in him, and Derek to the ones who loved him most. And with that off of my chest, I shall do you all a favor, and end this blog! Hopefully soon, my days will start to have more perky moments in them such as my now famous to Trenton, peel out moment in D's car this morning, and hopefully then my blogs will get a little more exciting to you. So until tomorrow night when it is time to blog and exercise the demons in my mind, we both will just have to wait and see what tomorrow hold for me. And not to forget, you too!
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