"The Lonely Bones"

As if I thought it wouldn't come like it does every other day, it is nigh time again. I have had an extremely hard day today thinking about Derek and missing him and at nights, it always gets worse. Normally when something is bothering me, or I am not at ease about something in my life, I call Derek. The way I have felt these past two weeks, and especially today, all I have wished for is that I could just pick up the phone and call him. Be able to tell him how I am hurting and how my whole life is just turned upside down, and to be able to hear him assure me that it will all be okay. Today has just been a big realization to me letting me know that I can't just call him and hear his voice saying what always seemed like the magic words to fix my problems. That for the first time in my life I am going through something that he isn't here for. This may seem crazy of me, and trust me you aren't thinking anything I am already not feeling and starting to believe about my mind already, but I have honestly hoped and prayed that this was all a mix up. Even after the funeral, I have tried to convince myself that it's been just a big misunderstanding. I know it is true because the pain in my heart hurts too much to not be, but I admit that I have had a small chance of hope left in me. Today, the way I have felt and not being able to talk to him, has just reassured me that this is not a nightmare. This is life. Life without my brother from here on out.

As I sat here in the house by myself all day, and never turned the TV on once, and never got off the couch, I just layed there and thought. Thought about how a month ago, I was bragging about how I was happier than I ever knew possible and that I wasn't going to let anything get me down. My life was finally where I have wanted it to be all of my life. My dreams had came true. Now, I am no longer that way. Within the blink of an eye, my happiness has been stole from me. I want to be happy again.... and pray that I will. I hope that tomorrow is a better day than today, and I hope that one day, I will be able to smile and not feel guilty that I am doing so. I honestly try to stay as positive of a person as I possibly can... but trying isn't good enough right now because it isn't working at all. I have tried to convince myself that it's okay to smile and still enjoy a part of my day, and that for all I know, it is my brother making it happen for me. To think that it does help... but I still can't make myself be a true believer in it. Yes I believe Derek is watching over me and that he in fact will give me my smiles and happiness back, I just can't make myself believe that it is okay to be smiling right now. And besides the fact, other than Trenton keeping me on my toes with his contagious chuckle, and quick witted sense of humor, I haven't found a reason to smile. Who knows.... maybe tomorrow I will and can.

I've heard people talk about not letting someone make big decisions during a tragedy in their life or something major going on... Almost like the time my mom had her hysterectomy and the doctors told us to not let her make any big decisions. Yeah okay whatever.... Mom's taste in decor at the time in living rooms was definitely in the pastel family. Grays, light blues, peaches, mint greens.... the first day she was able to drive after her surgery, she comes home with a Ford's Furniture truck pulling in behind her. Apparently she went and got a new living room set. Sure, its nice to get a new one and it's an awesome feeling when you do, but when they carried in a big burgundy couch, and two turquoise chairs, along with some navy blue pillows, the whole families eyes got as big as a half dollar, and our mouths nearly touched our sneakers. Now, when I hear the statement about making big decisions, thanks to my mom's new taste in furniture at one point in time, I have a very good understanding of what people mean by it. I suppose you are wondering where I am going with all of this "big decision" talk? Well, I am seriously thinking about getting out of Glasgow. Just packing my stuff and heading somewhere away from here. I have never in my life been the girl that ever planned on staying in this town, but under the circumstances of me having Trenton at a young age and depending on the help of my family with him, and of course I didn't want to take him away from his dad, and I honestly could not have made it on my own with my mom, I managed to get stuck here. While I was technically "chose" to get stuck here, Derek had moved to Bristol. I envied him and still did until the day he passed. A train ride away from NYC, and the concept of being able to make a new life. Choose who you want to know you, what you want them to know about you. A fresh start to a whole new life. But not even two years ago, my stepfather passed away leaving my mother to live on her own. Although I have thought about getting the hell out of this town everyday (literally...no exaggeration), I find myself feeling guilty for wanting to do that and even thinking about leaving mom to be on her own with no family completely. And although I feel guilty about it, at the same time I feel as if it isn't fair that I shouldn't get to experience the world. Yes, of course anytime I even mention this, my mom starts to freak out at the thought of me not being around which makes it even harder on me to consider even getting enough of a backbone in me to do so. She loves me and she for sure loves her little Trenton, and the thought of us not being around worries her. She worried about Derek but at least when he moved she still had my step dad, me, and Trenton. Derek and I used to talk about me getting out of this town, and he himself would try to talk me into it. I mean, come on, Blockbuster is closing! This town can't even keep a movie store in business! A movie store that is worth gazillions of dollars that could literally afford to stay open even if they never rented a movie out for a month... it's turning into a ghost town. There are no jobs. No opportunities. No hopes. No dreams of being something here. I want to be able to get a good job doing hair, be in a place I can open a bad to the bone salon and be successful. Have the chance for someone to envy me of what I have become. And in this town, it will never happen. Is it wrong for me to feel this way? Am I crazy for feeling confused about it when it comes to mom? I want to be with her, but I also want a good future for me and my family. Am I selfish for wanting that? If not, I sure feel like I am. And maybe I am just feeling this way because of everything that is going on in my life. Maybe everything else just seems to be spinning so out of control that I feel like I can't take it and if I runaway, it will go away and will stop. Realistically, I know it isn't going to go away. Or stop.

Trenton decided to stay with Nana tonight.... oh, how he just loves his Nana! And those are the words exactly..."I just love my Nana!" :) He is a lucky as you can get when it comes to how his Nana is with him. He is her world! I am so thankful to have a mother that is always there for us no matter what the situation is. She is the true definition of what a mother is and should be. A woman that I bump heads with a lot because we are so much alike, but a woman I admire with everything in me at the same time. And although we both get frustrated and do bump noggins, when I think about it, I wouldn't have it any other way. Derek always told me that we bump heads because we are so much alike... if that is the case, yay for me. She is a hard worker, the definition of what unconditional love is all about, the base to everyone around her. She is what holds everyone up and together. If I can turn into anything of that sort, then I couldn't ask for anything more in my life from her. And, who can say that they don't get frustrated with their parents in their life? Nobody. I don't care who you are, where you're from, or where you're going, it is impossible to live life and never have an argument one with someone, or to get aggravated with them. That's what makes us unique in our each individual ways. If we were all just alike, the world would be a pretty boring place don't ya think?

And I suppose since this blog has also turned into a rambler like my past few, I shall give you a break. A break from my now, not so perfect life. The one I jinxed apparently for believing my life was exactly what I had always wanted... and actually believed it would stay that way. Gullible, Naive... I have always been. Invisible? I am no longer. Tired. I am. Sleep? probably not. Try it? ai' ya' captain! Goodnight!