By now, I normally would have started singing the song "I'm leaving on a jet plane.. don't know when I'll be back again" in excitement to just be leaving this town. And although I am getting on a plane and leaving this town, this time there is no excitement. Just fear. It has been brought to my attention very well this past week that you just never know when it is your time and when God will call you home... now I have a sudden fear of getting on a plane. Don't get me wrong, I always have a sense of nervousness at takeoff, but just the thought of sitting there and leaving my life in the hands of a man flying a plane in which I've never met is making me a nervous wreck. Another Fear. The fear of walking into my brother's apartment and knowing he will not be there and knowing he won't be coming in after work like he did sometimes when I was there. The harsh true reality of it all is about to slap me in the face.
And along with my fear of getting on a plane, David is now freaking out too being he's never been on a plane in his life. He too is feeling the fear I feel in me that we are putting our lives in a stranger. Maybe since I've had this fear in me only since Trenton was born of death, is why I am feeling this way. And maybe it just hit home for me this week and has now truly brought out this anxiety in me. Maybe its just everything that is going to be taking place, swirling together to make nothing but a big blobbed up mess in my head instead of the precisely striped cupcakes I wish I was envisioning at this moment.
And although I love my mom with everything in me, I do indeed dread a 20 hour drive in a uhaul with her. Picture this- David driving, me sitting in the middle, mom on the passenger side and in a bench seat uhaul. Not a comfortable thought right? Now ya get me! A uhaul, with a trailer towing my brothers car behind, and us three crammed in the cab of the truck like sardines. Thankfully, David is driving because I truly do believe this fear in me would be worst at the thought of my mom driving. Her driving scares me in the small folk town of Glasgow, let alone on the main highways in a monster of a truck. And ya know, who knows? Maybe being in this car together will bring out the goofiness in us and bring on some laughs. I hope so. I could use some right now in my life. I have prayed for my brother to be there and guide us through all of this. To make sure we are safe, and we have the strength to make it through this hard turmoil in life. And I truly have faith that he will! He has always watched over me and protected me from the hardships of the world, and I have faith that he will lead and guide me through this the same.
And to my fellow facebookers, I am sure you read about my chuck e cheese adventure last night. I believe I was just as excited if not more than Trenton about going. No better way to spend this Valentine's Day than to be with my family, eating yummy pizza, and running around full of laughter playing games. It felt good to go out and get things off my mind and to just be able to breathe for a little while, and I was did good most of the night. That is until I decided to play The Simpson's pin ball machine. I love pinball! My brother taught me how to do it when I was a little tinker back in the day. Not sure if it was just the standing there and focusing on that single ball darting in and out of all the metal holes, that really doesn't take much brain activity to do or the thought of how my brother used to love watching The Simpson's growing up and always said I reminded him of Maggie on there, but somehow my brain got sidetracked from the pinball machine, to my brother. The more I stood there and watched the ball move with the light reflecting off of its chrome coating, the more I got upset. Eventually I gave up on the pinball, actually walking away before losing all of my balls, and had to go to the bathroom to regroup myself. It worked, and I was able to make it through the rest of our Valentine's Day night. Even though I did have a moment, I still had fun and of course nothing is better than seeing your kid light up and be full of life! But unfortunately as soon as the Chuck E Cheese adventure ended, I was brought back into reality. The sadness my heart aches from. And until finally forcing myself to sleep at 2 am, I had a sadness I could not shake. Luckily, I know that Derek is listening to me, because after talking to him while laying in the bed last night, I am having a better day today. It still hurts. And I still get upset, but I can make it through today. I now officially know what people mean when they say "take it one day at a time" and that is exactly what I am going to do. I can do this today. I may be uncertain of tomorrow, but I will worry about that when it gets here. Besides, nothing ever says that tomorrow is promised right? So until my tomorrow doesn't come, I live for today. I will smile today. Someway, somehow. I will smile.
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