I have friends yet I feel alone. Even though I may quirk a smile, I am extremely sad. Although I know people have been through what I feel and possibly worse, I feel like nobody understands. I miss my brother. His jokes. His voice. Him. I cry thinking it will help me feel better but it just lets me know the pain is real. How am I supposed to do this without him? I cant. My heart is heavy. To the point I wish it werent there to feel what I feel right now. I have swollen eyes and no skin left under them and although I would normally freak over this, it is nothing. Atleast I can still see the world. But my brother cant. Why did it have to be Derek? Why him? Why am I left with nothing but memories and not him? I dont understand. Oh God how I wish I could. But I dont. I want to go back in time. To the time I had him. To where I could talk to him. Hear him. Laugh at him. Smile with him and because of him. Feel loved by him. And love him. Just as I always did. I pray to him. Hoping he will answer. Hoping it will help me through this. Right now. It's not. I cry. And it still hurts.