I've been doing a lot of thinking these past 2 weeks. Thinking about things I never imagined in my life I would be having to think about right now, and things I have thought about in the past but never considered them to be of any importance really. Dreams. All dreams. For once, I think I have came to a point in my life to where I no longer want them to be dreams and to be reality and my life. Things Derek and I talked about more often than not... things he tried to convince me I should do since I lack the confidence in myself to feel I can do it. I was sitting here and thinking earlier, and I have decided there is one thing that is going to change in my life for sure. Since I am having to start this year off by something changing my life forever, I myself am going to add some changes to it. I will no longer live for the people around me and how they feel only. I will include my feelings into the equation as well. Never again in my life am I ever going to take anybody for granted. Whether it be a phone call, an email, a wave, a smile. Never again. I have had the rude slap in the face alarming me the truth behind "you just never know" and trust me, you really just never know. I have sat and ran the late night conversations between my brother and I through my head over and over... the laughs, advice, opinions, outlooks, hopes, and dreams and I am going to still follow his advice whether or not he is able to tell me what he would do or thinks about it right now. I will and am going to learn to accept that he is still guiding me through this life of mine, and that even if he is farther than a phone call away, he is as close as ever in my heart. And regardless of whether he is here physically on this earth, he is and will always be in my heart and he will always help me such as he always has. Whether it be the 2 second delay of me fooling with the radio at the red light in which stalls me from pulling out in front of a car running the light the opposite way, the rainbow overhead to let me know "its okay", the penny I find heads up in the speedways parking lot, or just that feeling that someone is staring at you and standing behind you yet you are home alone. He is with me and I know it.
Now that I have that off of my chest, onto the happy stuff for today! As I was driving home from class today, I didn't think I was ever going to make it home fast enough to get my hands on my little Trenton. Tomorrow would be exactly 1 week since I have seen or talked to him, so by the time I could get in the door today I was like an old lady running around the house in her bedazzled sweatshirt, wearing 10lbs of jewelry, trying to vacuum the cookie crumbs off the plastic runner on the floor before my friends could even sit their teacup to the saucer. But let me tell ya, what I got my hands on him, I didn't think I was ever going to let go! And apparently Trenton felt the same way according to him saying "Okay Mama, did I give you a good enough hug? And can I go play my Pokemon game now? I really need to catch Riolu". :) I do believe the little stinker has missed me too because ever so often he will just step out of his bedroom and say "I love you mama", or "Mama I just missed you so much!", and my favorite of the day "Mama, I almost forgot how pretty you are! I think you've grown a foot!". The last one brought the first chuckle out of my belly for today. It's quite amazing how your child depends on you in life for everything. To be fed, reminded to wash behind their ears, homework help, kissing boo-boos, letting them know the monster in their closet is a nice one, and whatever else you can imagine, yet at times, you depend on them for what seems to be like more. Just the innocence alone of a child can help cure your day. The way they seem to almost always have a positive outlook to the things you consider to be the worst of your life, and just the giggles that make you so extremely happy to see that you yourself start crying over. Ask any mother and they will tell you how fortunate they are to have their kid "as their kid".... but when I say it, you have no idea. The things that little boy has done for my life is phenomenal. Things you would never imagine, and things deep enough that I myself will not spill out for the world to read, but trust me... it is true.
My flowers are dieing. I love flowers. The colors, shapes, smell, everything about them. I hate the reason I have them sitting in my living room right now. But it is nice to walk in and smell the
Off topic... but what makes a person a friend to you? Is it because they call to find out what is going on just to be nosey? Or just call you because after they are "required" to ask how you are, they just feel the need to bust out something new and exciting going on in their life? Just because they are there physically, does it really make them a friend? How do you truly know if they are or not? There are people I have known for nearly all of my life and amazingly enough, I feel as if I hardly know them. They tell people we are best friends, and we say it to each other, but are we really? Or are we just too stubborn to admit that we have outgrown each other in hopes that it isn't true? Who knows? One thing I know.. I have realized I have few and far. But with that being said, I am very fortunate for the one's I have. The one's I am for certain are what you would call "true friends".
I normally am a sleeper. I could sleep 17 hours of the day and still find myself tired. Trenton is the exact same way, and my brother was the same also. Apparently it is just in our blood. Not sure where it comes from though considering my mom is up and at em' like it's nothing and ready to rock and roll within 30 minutes of her feet hitting the floor. I honestly don't think the woman has ever even realized that there is a such thing as a snooze button on her alarm clock. Actually, I'm not sure if she ever truly has to turn her alarm clock off because it is beeping. I am almost certain that she just lays in bed awake all the time, just with her eyes closed, playing opossum to fool us all into thinking she is getting a good nights rest like the normal people do. A vampire? Nah... A wolverine? Possibly... No, I'm kidding. Seriously though, she is one energized lady. I would give anything to have that type of personality in me. The type that can go, go, go and never get irritated that I have to go, go, go. And being I am this big sleeper... it's crazy that I am not able to hardly get a shut eye of sleep at night. I lay there just thinking. Blinking into the darkness and trying to make sense of the dark shadows on the walls and ceilings, and thinking some more. And along with thinking a little more, I pray. I pray more than I think. Pray for everything our family is going through, for Trenton, David, myself, especially Derek, strength, closure, acceptance, peace, and within time, sleep has worked its way into the top 5 of my prayers. Out of all the things in life, I pray for something that is supposed to be so simple, natural, and expected.
You want to know something weird?.... Derek passed away Sunday Feb 6, 2011. I got the phone call at 3:00 am, Monday Feb 7, 2011.... later in the day I read my horoscope for the day and it said "expect the unexpected". The day of Derek's funeral service, I read my horoscope again. It stated " Good friends are to follow a good heartache for the day". Anybody else see the weirdness in that?
Seems like lately this blog has turned into a diary more than a blog in which I am sorry for. I know I'm not my typical self at writing, and in time, I hope I can again be able to tell all of the happy comings and adventures of my life again. In time, I am sure it will happen. And as I tell myself, I am telling you... it all takes time. Either you will get used to it being this way for the time being within time, or you will give me time and it will go back to me being myself as best as possible. Time.... a precious thing in the world that is often taken for granted more than anything else. Time spent with family, time telling the one's you love that you love them, time to smile, time to stop and smell the flowers, time to enjoy a break from the crazy world, time to appreciate everything you have been given... even if it isn't quite to the standards that you desire. Even if you aren't where you want to be... it's up to you to get yourself there and to get what you want. It can be done! Just look at all the people around you that you wish you could be more like or things you like that they have.... they started out in this world the exact same way you did. Naked, and depending on everyone around you. They just made the choice to get up and go for what they want rather than dwelling on what they don't have and learning to just accept it.
As I was trying to finish this blog off, Trenton had called me into his room to hear this "very strange noise" as he put it... naturally, it broke my concentration on where my last paragraph was going in order to close this one out, but while in there with him, I have to admit, A.) There was a really strange noise. That is for certain. He definitely was not imagining it and B.) He is the most precious thing I have ever seen in my life. While laying beside of him doing our nightly routine of laying together for 20 minutes to talk about anything his little heart desires, he looked over at me and said "Mama, you are just my most favoritest person to be around in the whole wide world! When I'm not home I think about wishing I was with you." Now, try to convince me that you can hear that and not believe in a greater power. Not gonna happen! As I layed there and thought that to myself while running my fingers through the softest curls wrapping around my fingers on his little head, I know that my brother is okay and being taken care of. The man with the heart of gold that was generous enough to give us such miracles, is the one in which my brother is talking Picasso and Hendrix to right now. The same man, with the very same heart of gold.
No comments:
Post a Comment