Day 14

What do you do when you honestly have nothing to talk about but want to blog so bad you cant stand it because it seems as if you do have so much to say that it is eating you alive? Do what I'm doing...? Ramble? Looks to be the answer right there!

What a couple of weeks this has been. 14 days to be exact. 14 days since my brother passed away. The longest 14 days of my life. Seriously. I have been fortunate enough in the past to have only had a very few people I was close with to pass away... and everytime it has happened I have had the amazing ability to force jump right back into life and convince myself that life goes on and you do what you gotta do. And by doing this, I have also learned that it is not the best thing for me to do because every other time it has came out in me at a later, very unexpected time, with a very deep vengence. Almost a "how dare you to put me off!". I would give my left foot right now if I was able to deal with this the same. To not feel the hurt I've felt in my heart these past 14 days. I have never been so mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted in my life. I honestly never knew it to be possible to be this drained in every aspect of life. Atleast when I have gotten emotionally drained in the past, I still had my mind to hold me together. And when I have gotten physically drained, I was able to cure it with a little rest and relaxation. And of course when I have been mentally exhausted, my emotions have helped me to know that I am only human and can only take so much. Right now, having none of these to fall back on... I feel lost. Not myself. Yes, I smile. Only because I feel like I have to because that is what people expect of me and think I should be doing. Only if they knew that it takes every ounce of energy within my little petite body to bring it upon my face, they would know its a hard thing to ask for. And of course the saying "He's in a better place" always comes about... and yes, that may be true, but it's not good enough for me. I am selfish. I want him here with me. But apparently God wants him with him even more. Mom keeps saying "God takes the best first to give someone else a chance", but what about all the chances that Derek never got. Yes he accomplished a lot for his short 33 years, but there are more things in life he deserved to have a chance at. A chance to get married and have a child of his own. A chance to show the world what he was truly made of because I know with what he has been able to do in 33 years, there is no way of even phathoming the idea of what he could have done in 33 more...

He's been on my mind all day. Every little thing reminds me of him. Went to Blockbuster to rent paranormal activity 2 and saw some Nightmare before Christmas pins with jack the skeleton on them and instantly thought about how I would love to be able to buy them and mail them to him. He always loved Jack! Then while at the convienient store to grab a drink, I stood there debating on whether I was in the mood for Pepsi or Coke. After staring for a moment thinking of which would clench my thirst the best, Derek came to mind. Coca Cola would be his pick and I made it mine tonight also. And as I see every single orange car of any resemblence to Derek's go through town, I envision it being him with the stereo on and jamming out to either The Kinks, Nick Cave, The Cramps, or possibly one of his all time favorites, Johnny Cash.

Mom is not okay. And the worst part, is she has no clue that she is not. Regardless of what I do, or say or try to explain to her, it angers her. Although I am not experiencing a loss the same as hers, I do understand where she is coming from and why she is this way. I just wish she could understand that she is not the only one going through this. He may not have been my son but he was my brother. My only sibling. Trenton's only uncle. And not to forget, someone elses son also... my Dad's. Usually when she and I are not seeing eye to eye and are clashing with the force of a car hitting a brick wall at 35MPH, I would call Derek and get his advice on whether or not I am overreacting, and whether he thinks I am in the right or Mom. Although he never chose sides between us, he always calmed the storm. Be it him explaining it to me in a way I could understand what Mom meant that she herself couldn't find the right words to do, or him just telling me to let her cool off before calling her, and that he would call and talk to her and calm her down for me and send me a message with the "okay" as to when to call her back and act as if nothing ever happened. Now.... with her misunderstanding everything in the world around her, I don't have him to lean on to help me with her. It's just me. And yes, I do have friends... but it is different. My friends and David obviously don't understand Mom the way we do. They dont know what to say to ease the tension, or what is the best for all of us. They may tell me what they would do or say, but that is with their mother. A person totally different than my mom, and a relationship that varies depending on the people. I'm not sure I know how to handle mom through all of this.... it seems like I am having a harder time with this than I want to admit to, and I feel as if I am supposed to be the "support team" for mom. If I get tore up over every single little thing along side with her at the drop of a dime, we will both be crazy, which is something I can't do. I can't manage to go crazy alongside with her although I truly feel that I almost heading that direction. I have Trenton. I have to smile. I have to show him that everything will be okay regardless of whether I believe in it or not. He depends on me and I have to prove to him that he can.

Day by Day? Trying.

I was looking at one of Derek's sketch books today.... as I was flipping through the thick, coarse paper drenched in perfect combinations of watercolors, I came across a single page with nothing but writing on it.... It said...      " I'm going to NYC again tomorrow. I love that place. Everybody is a nobody and you cant help but automatically fit in. I want to take Kacie there one day. She would love it. She deserves so much more than she has. I often wish she could have been the older one because i feel she would be better at leading the way for me instead of what I can't do for her. She's so special and the sad thing is, I dont think she will ever truly know how beautiful she is. Yes her looks. But from the inside. She has the most precious soul I have ever known in my life."....   I smiled. And then I cried. And I've cried ever since. Knowing that he wasn't just saying that to make me feel good, or to cheer me up.... that he had written that while alone, and that it came straight from his heart and not something just said to someone made it beautiful to me. Knowing he sat and thought about me the same as I always have him, and to know I was on his mind to the point he himself had to write about me the same as I have been doing for him is amazing. Amazing? Yes Amazing. Although If you asked me 20 minutes ago if I thought anything was amazing about my day, I would have looked at you with a scornful look and snarled my nose while saying "are you crazy?", right now I can say yes. I'll tell ya something else amazing... its amazing how you always love someone, always think about them, always miss them, but never think about what it would be like if they were gone tomorrow. Usually when you love something so much, you put it away so nothing will happen to it, or keep it in a place that you know it is safe and freak at the thought of anyone or anything getting close to it and daring to touch it. But when you love someone, you never stop to ask yourself what you would do if something about them ever broke... it's assumed that it won't happen. I have now realized, my family is no longer invisible to the harsh reality of the cold world around us. And I have also now realized that my family is no longer invisible to the lord and that he himself truly does have a plan for us. Do I know the plan? No. Do I wish I did? Hell yes. Maybe then if I did, I could make a better understanding of all this and ease my wondering mind that hasnt stopped a moment for 2 weeks straight.

"We don't need no education...."- that is the way I feel right now. I am so far behind in school that I dont even know where to begin in order to get things back on track. Go figure the semester that I was ahead on things and doing my work as soon as I got out of class instead of waiting until the night before class the next week, something would tear it all apart. I HAVE to go back tomorrow. I have no choice. Well scratch that... I do have a choice. But I am forcing myself. Derek was so proud when he found out I was heading back to school... no way can I let him down now. And if for some reason I am or get so far behind that it's impossible to get back on track, I think I may just drop it and try it again next semester. I don't see the weeks in the future getting any better. My mind is unable to focus on one solid activity right now. Every single thing reminds me of something that deals with my brother. I cant break the code in order to stop it... people call it memories. I call it heartache right now. Although I feel this way right now, I am praying that soon I will realize that memories are the most precious thing I possess when it comes to my brother. Something absolutely nobody can steal from me.

Regrets... yes. If I just hadn't have been in class that day and could have answered the phone. Or if I had just atleast seen that it was him and instead of ignoring it, walked out and answered it long enough to atleast tell him I wasn't answering because I was in class.... I never in my life thought it would be the last time my phone rang with the name "Derek" on the screen and the last time I would ever talk to him again in my life. And I never check my voicemail. Hardly ever. And out of all days... why did I do it the day before he died? why did I sit there and go through all 17 messsages and delete them? Including the ones from my brother.... had I known it would be the last I heard his voice, they would still be on my phone right now.

Anger... plenty. I'm angry he is gone. I'm angry I have so many unanswered questions. I am angry that God took him. And I am even more angry at the fact about someone taking his things. I just can't imagine what kind of heart it takes for someone to do such a thing... obviously, it takes a person with no heart.

I am usually the type of person that tries to make the best of every situation. If I'm broke.. oh well. We get paid next week. We have a roof over our head, food in the cabinet, and until next week, we will make it just fine. If I am down, tomorrow is a new day. If I need a smile, I find humor in the world around me. For once, I can not see anything good of my situation. Not one single thing. I can't grasp the idea that he is in a better place and be happy about it. I can't think that he is no longer a part of this messed up world and is living it up with all of his heroes and inspirations... its not fair. Not fair that our family has to deal with this and feel the kind of hurt and pain that we feel. And not fair that my brother isn't here to atleast experience this messed up world with us.

Amen....everynight. For the first time in a very long time, I have prayed every single night. Prayed to God to keep my brother with him and watch over him in heaven, and prayed to help me and my family to learn to cope and deal with this. Prayed for answers to the millions of questions I have. Prayed that I never have to feel this pain again. And prayed for him to guide me to do the right thing and handle my emotions the right way, and not to forget, prayed for him to allow it to be my brother helping me and guiding me through life as he has always tried when it comes to me.

Rambling?... I am. And did.