Cloud Cruising

Normally, I don't mind sitting at home. At all. I love waking up and not having to be rushed to get anywhere, with nothing more on the agenda than to eat and breathe. As blunt as this may be, and a  little awkward to some, the feeling of sitting around in a tank and your undies is the most comfortable, free feeling thing you can do through out your day. I do it quite often and enjoy is nowhere near the word of pleasure this gives me. David and I have had a full on movie marathon for a few days now... we've watched it all. Seriously! Frozen, Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Jennifer's Body, A Perfect Getaway, Nightmare on Elm St., Avatar, The virgin suicides, Frailty, The Fighter, Dispicable me, Tinkerbell, The Lovely Bones, and a whole bunch more that I can't even begin to remember. Although I have enjoyed all of this laziness along with some snuggle time with Davey and Trenton. I do believe cabin fever has kicked in officially as of today. Of course the day that it kicks in, David is sick and not feeling the best. Kacie and boredom do not mix well at all. We are like orange juice and whiskey. Almost like someone in hell asking for a glass of ice water. Just don't go well together. And when this boredom sometimes takes over my mind and soul, my brain starts clicking. Then a click turns in a grind. And from there the smoke starts to fade away and wheels are turning in full motion going the speed of light. Well, maybe not the speed of light, but atleast Mach 9. You ever heard the song "I am my own worst enemy?".... very true in my case. My own mind will drive me crazier than any other human being known to humanity. Weird thing is, during this thinking, I don't think of things that are happy. Or things that I can do to make a better future for myself or family. I think about things from the past. Ghosts from the past. Things people have done to me, how I managed to let them do this to me, and why I continue to let them do it to me by not being able to forget about it. There is nothing worse than laying down to go to bed and feel as if you are being mind raped by ghosts from the past. They got the best of me at the time so why is it that it keeps going on? Why am I not able to forget about it. I never say anything to them about it. Most I haven't seen since. So why in this world does my mind seem to not let me forget about it? I mean, honestly... if I did so happen come across them in public, I still wouldn't say anything to them. If I did, then that would be something else on my mind everynight when I lay down on top of the million other things that go through my mind. It's a horrible thing to have as a habit. Talk about not getting a good night's sleep most of the time!

I am a very detail oriented person. I remember everything. I may act as if I don't, but trust me I do. I remember what you said, where we were, and what you were wearing. I am a talker. A rambler in most cases. In which this trait alone makes people think you aren't paying attention worth a damn  hoot, but in all reality, that is how I getcha. I see everything and miss nothing. I often wonder if that is why my mind plays tricks on me at night. If I weren't able to remember the face they made when they said it, the look they give when they are lieing, the smile that is the fakest of them all, and the smell of their bad breath, maybe this wouldn't happen to me nearly everynight. If I couldn't remember it, then I wouldn't be able to lay in bed and think about it over and over. I remember stuff that happened as early as age 5 all the way up to now. And every bit of it in detail. Some say details are a good thing... I have come to the realization that maybe the ability to remember detail is a fault. A fault that does come in handy. But a fault that haunts the mind of the beholder.

This could all fall in an ocd category also. That itself would be a topic for another day. I already have enough on mind, let alone thinking I am one of those weird obsessive freaks from the A&E channel.

Maybe, that is why it does not bother me to not hang out with a lot of people now? Maybe I truly have learned my lesson from past experiences. About 2 years ago, I went under a foreign hypnosis that taught me to never let your guard down. Ok, you got me. I lied. It wasn't a foreign hypnosis. It was called a slap in the face formally known as betrayal. Trust nobody. Well, I do trust. Very few. But  it is there. I would love to be able to wipe my mind clean of the things I dislike in my memory. What a wonderful awe it would cause! But at the same time.... you are where you come from. Everybody has a plan in life. Some of us may never realize what our true plan is. But it is definitely there. It may take a few leaps and scraped knees to realize you should have took the marshmallow road instead of the fun rock candy one. And it may take climbing over a mountain to leave the past to drown in the moat surrounding the frigid peak. Maybe, just one day... it might be as if it were a scene from the beloved super mario bros. games. You jump on the cloud and ride it to the end looking down at all the harmful creatures people and death traps just waiting for your curious mind to lead you in. But until pigs fly, I guess all you can do is suck it up. Take it with stride. And appreciate it for what it is. Besides, without all that has happened and is in store to happen in the future (yikes!), we really wouldnt be who we are. Now would we? And I can say one thing... who I am today is the person I used to wish I could be. My life now is what I used to wish it would be. The love around me is what I used to wish to feel. So really, other than some late night terrors with the pillow and mind.... how bad is it? According to the past, it's like riding the cloud to the mansion of a castle at the end. The fireworks, and the hearts above the 2 kissing. :)