I'm not even going to begin this blog by trying to sugar coat anything.... I have came to the conclusion that I have some serious depression going on. There have been times in my life in the past that I thought I was depressed but I don't think I was actually depressed. More like just hit a few bumps in the road that I didn't like the feel of. Now, I feel like I have been in a car wreck and totaled this car myself out. I really think the death of my brother has put me in a spot that I have never been in before. A place that I just cant seem to get a good grip on in order to climb my way out and to the top. Some days, I feel like I am okay. Most days, I know I am not. This week for some reason, I just have been awful. The only time I have done a single thing or even left the house this week was to take Trenton swimming Tuesday. Which might I add, was a very good day for me. I love mine and Trenton's "dates" as he refers to them. And not only did I have the best time swimming with Trenton, I enjoyed the company I had around me too. I met up with my friend Tabatha and her two kiddos which was extra nice since we haven't been swimming together in such a long time! And I also had the privilege of swimming and talking to a friend from high school that I haven't seen or hung out with in years! Both of these girls did more for me that day then I believe they could ever imagine. Just being out of the house and having someone to talk to and laugh with was exactly what I needed. Yes, if it were just Trenton and me, I would have had a good time like I always do with Trenton but it was nice to have some social interaction for the first time in a while. Well, let me take that back. I got entirely way too much social interaction when I went to spend the night with another good friend of mine, Jen, the night of the NKOTB concert! haha
1. Instead of sitting here day in and day out thinking, thinking, and thinking about Derek.... I can use my jog time as a time devoted to my main thoughts of him. Kind of like if I sit here and start getting overwhelmed and consumed in my mind, i am going to get up and go jogging. For now, there is no way I can run the length of time my mind is thinking of him, but if I keep it up, I know my stamina will build up too. But back to the point ( told you my mind just goes in circles and races all day long, as you can tell by me getting sidetracked even in a blog that I can even read and reread and backspace on) So anyways- my main point behind this is, maybe if I set aside this certain time for my thinking of him, I can go jog, think of Derek, get these thoughts and frustrations out of me with each pound of my soul on the pavement, come back in and move on to the next task. In other words, by having this certain time and routine devoted to him, maybe I wont consume my entire day with it every single day of my life like I have been doing.
2. I will get back into shape!! I may be skinny but I am far from being toned!! I don't think I have really had any physical activities (other than shopping and cleaning) since my high school days of being in color guard. And to think I complained about my body then!! I'd give anything to be as toned and muscular as I was then!
3. I might actually be able to feel like I have accomplished something in my days. Just doing a little jogging in the day will at least let me have the feeling that I have accomplished something for the day. If I go a certain distance one day, I can try and beat that the next and so on.
4. Exercising releases endorphins that actually give you energy and endorphins that actually help fight depression. 2 main things that I seriously, most obviously need in my life right now. I have always been a very wound up person in life until this year and I desperately want to get back to being that way. Amazing that it kills me to just sit here, yet I don't want to do anything other than just sit here isn't it? Makes for a good unsolved mysteries case!!
So with all of that being said, and I am sure there are more reasons behind this subconsciously than I am even recognizing right now, this indeed is my new plan in life. And one that I have officially started as of today. It was almost amazing amusing to me today. I had this thought, idea, plan, joke, or whatever you want to call it and within 2 minutes I found myself in the bedroom pulling my hair back, grabbing a watch, tying my tennis shoes, and grabbing my favorite sunglasses and heading out the door. To be honest, the minute I walked outside from my nicely air conditioned house into the smothering heat, I had a moment of hesitation. That is, until I thought about David being at work with pants and long sleeves, no AC and having to work INSIDE of trailers (imagine the heat outside, and then imagine opening the doors of a trailer that has been sitting in the relentless heat and having to work inside of it. I know, it makes my brain want to short out at the thought of it!) and while thinking of him being at work, I started to stretch and try to get these useless limbs of mine back into action. After thinking about him and how much I know he must hate being out in it, and thinking about how he manages to do hard manual labor in the heat for 10 hours, I thought to myself "If he can be out here for 10 hours, I can do this for at least 15 mins".... and with that thought, I took off. When you pull onto our street, it is nothing but uphill all the way. The only flat part of our street is up at the dead end where there is a circle. And being we have a pretty long driveway, at first I decided I would run to the end of the driveway and up and around the circle and back down, and back up the driveway. Amazingly enough, as I made it back down to the driveway, I decided to run to the bottom of the hill (bottom of the street where you pull in) and in my mind I knew I wouldn't make it back up the hill so I thought that even if I had to walk my way back up, at least I did SOMETHING having to do with this plan of mine. But I tell ya, I don't know if I actually had some motivation, determination, or just luck, I actually was able to run back up the hill and back up the driveway. I know this is nothing huge, but being I haven't ran for years (yes, I have always been the type that I only run when I am being chased! haha!) I was actually so proud of myself. I was able to run for 15 minutes straight before getting so out of breath I couldn't stand it anymore. And, I was actually very proud of myself once I made it back to the door. For the first time in months, I put my mind to something and I accomplished it. It might have not been anything huge or overly exciting to some, but this was such a big deal to me today! I'm not sure if it's true about the endorphins, or the fact I actually got up and moved instead of moving like a two toed sloth like normally, or if I was just delirious from lack of oxygen from breathing so hard, but I actually felt a lot better after my mini jog. Of course, it could have been just the placebo effect of it, and if that is the case, so be it. I fell for it, and I will continue to fall for it. Tomorrow, my goal is to run the length I did today, and try to make it up to the circle and back to the driveway one more time. I have to watch myself.. I tend to think I can do something the very first try and if I don't succeed, I tend to say to hell with it. So, when I say I have to watch myself, I mean that I have to keep in mind that this is going to be a work in progress. Not something I am going to be able to accomplish all in one day. But, in all honesty, I feel like I actually have something to work towards and to look forward to. Something to prove I can do... even if I am only proving it to myself. And who knows, if I am able to keep this up, one day I will be able to run the entire length of my thinking of Derek and not have to cut him short. But for now, in order to keep my sanity, I am going to have to limit my "major" thinking of him to the length of my running. OK, you got me. I obviously cant just stop thinking of him when I quit running my everlasting 15 mins right now, but for now, it will allow me to stomp some of it out and move on to the next task with him on my mind instead of limiting myself to sitting on the couch thinking of him for hours and hours only seeming like minutes. Not so sure if this will make any sense or not, but I have this huge fear in me that he will be forgotten. That I will forget something about him... and in my mind, as I think of him, it is my way of never forgetting a single thing about him.
Now, with all of this rambling out of the way, I have really good news! David is officially enrolled to start school! I am so proud of him!! So many times in life people feel as if they are too old to go back to school and feel as if it is too late to even think about doing it. He has mentioned that he wished he had went to school in the past few years, but he has taken that wish and turned it into a reality. Plus, with him working 10 hours a day as it is, and sometimes 14 hours a day, I know it is something he wants to do and not something he feels like he has to do. He will be working 10 hours and then going to school from 4-8 every evening. Exhaustion is probably going to be an understatement for what he will be, but I know that he will be able to do it and will do it at his best. He truly is a very smart person. Very alert, very absorbing. He can hear something once and will know it the rest of his life so I have no doubt that he wont do good in school. And although some people say they go to school to make a better life for themselves, all he has said is that he wants to go in order to make a better living and life for us as a family. I don't know what it is about him but no matter who, what, or when, he always thinks of me before himself. It's always what Kacie wants, not what David wants. Def a good feeling considering every other man I have ever dated always put everyone and himself before me. Always! But, I am so thankful that I am not the type of person that takes advantage of him being that way. I actually had never thought of it being "whatever Kacie wants" until he said it to me one day. I can't remember what was going on that actually brought it up that day but I do remember his words... "Kacie, have I ever told you no? No, I haven't because whatever you want to do, or whatever you want, you can have. I am 42 years old. I have lived my life.. you're young. You haven't had it all, even though I did and lost it in a divorce, but just because I have done it or had it does not mean you shouldn't have the opportunity to have it or do it." I am so fortunate to have David in my life. Not just because of this scenario, but for so many reasons. He has truly became the backbone in my life. Not only is he understanding about things, but he is sincere about being there for me and being the best he can be as a person for me. He's so unselfish when it comes to our family. Grateful for him, I am.
I bet by now, you are wondering when my mind and fingers are going to end this, right? Wonder no longer, fore I am going to let your eyes take a break and rest a while. I know this is a crazy, rambling blog but as I mentioned earlier, this has been a rough week on my mind. Thankfully, getting all of this out just now has already made me feel like at least one of the elephants on my shoulders decided to jump off. In other words, I feel a "ton" better!! No pun intended! haha! =) Indeed, with this new plan, I feel another blog coming along tomorrow in order for me to brag about jogging 17 mins instead of the 15 mins I lasted today! I have a plan for the first time in months, and by god, I am going to stick to it. Bet ya!! you just wait and see!!
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