meant to vent

Most days, I am sitting in the house just staring at what all needs to be done.... the past 2 days, I have went for a jog!! =) Not sure if it is just in my head, or if I just want to believe it so much, but after finishing up my jog these past 2 days, I have felt great. Almost like I have actually accomplished something. Like I have pushed myself for the first time in years and actually succeeded. Corny, I know! But, very True!!! This may sound disgusting, but something about pouring sweat when I get back in the house lets me know that I had to work to finish that run. lets me know that I wasn't just sitting in the house looking around like a bum all day long! Reminds me of being a tom boy and running around outside with my brother when we were younger. Makes me feel accomplished (somewhat) =)

Last night was so bad... just horrible. I had the worst case of cabin fever, yet had nothing to do... Sure, I could have cleaned the house and kept busy but that wasn't exactly cutting the cabin fever out of me!! So after sitting impatiently and watching TV for most of the night, I decided that I was tired and was ready to go to bed in hopes of today being a better day for me. Of course, that going as planned would be too easy on me so instead of going to sleep and waking up refreshed, I layed in there for hours thinking about so many things. I got myself so upset that my heart literally felt like it would skip a beat. Naturally, when it would feel like it was skipping a beat, I then would think of my brother and him having a bad heart and nobody knowing it... and how that could he hereditary. Not something I should think about while trying to go to sleep.. almost made me afraid to go to sleep. Kinda weird too because if you think about it, when its your time to die, its your time. Doesn't matter if you are asleep or not... so why I was afraid to go to sleep, who knows?? But while laying in there and having so many thoughts running through my head, I had a question pop in my head that I couldn't find an answer to. "Do people know when they die?" Now, wait..... I did post this on facebook but not in a way saying I would ever do something to myself.. it was just an honest question. Actually, now that I am thinking about it, I watched the movie GHOST yesterday with Demi Moore and Patrick Swazey (sp?) and I think maybe I was thinking this way due to watching that. Seeing those people die and then standing there looking at themselves and so forth.... anyways- laying in bed I was just thinking about it and was wondering if people are aware of what has happened or if they are just instantly in a better (hopefully) or worse (eeek) place? Of course, I will never know this until my time comes.. which I pray with everthing in me will be 60 years from now. One last thing to let out.. and I will stop with all the creepy death talk for the day... but since Derek died, at just 33 yrs old, I am very well aware that you just don't ever know when it is your time.. and now, I have a horrible fear of death in me. I'm afraid of dying, and I'm afraid of dying at a young age. I worry that something will happen to me and Trenton will have to grow up without me.... crazy? No. Weird? Maybe. Either way.. it's on my mind at night and I had to get that out... unfortunately for you, when I go a while and hold all of this in, it comes out in a weird way like right now.. but its out and I will stop (for you and you only) because I could go on for days about how all of this makes me feel in my mind and heart.

NOW- ready for something good to hear??? Mom is fixing dinner for us at her house tonight!! =) Everybody loves their mama's cooking and I cant wait!! She is even fixing her famous sweet potatoes for me! I don't care if she stands next to me at the stove and tells me what to do step by step while trying to make these sweet potatoes, mine never ever turn out like hers do. A lot of the time, I don't really look forward to dinners at her house because more often than not, everyone is so high strung that it just makes for a weird experience. Seriously!! Everybody will just be sitting there and eating in silence... I love my mom to pieces, and I don't know what I would do or where I would be without her, but I cant deny the fact that she is one strange cookie. Very up and down... I swear she is bipolar at times!! She and I have always had a weird relationship and the older I get, the more independent I get, the weirder it gets. Which, since Derek has been gone, it has gotten even weirder.... expected, I guess? Not so sure of that....

Ready for my big motivation speech? haha! No! Seriously!! Starting this week, I have had this idea to make myself weekly goals... some could be as small as getting the dishes done one day, or making the bed. Some may be bigger such as going through all of our clothes and getting rid of what we don't need or want. Either way, I am going to find a way to get some type of structure back into my life. I am at the point in my mind and heart that I have to do some changing in order to survive. I can't keep living cooped up in the house and upset everyday. Soooooo, starting this week, baby lists are going to be made along with baby steps to getting happy again. Plus, I have really got to get rid of some clothes and shoes!!! I swear, I am such a clothes hoarder! I have so much it is ridiculous.. I actually should go through my jewelry too. I have been thinking that the less junk we have, the less mess we can make and the more spacious I will feel. Notice, not more spacious the house will be.... more spacious I will feel. Maybe if I start decluttering everything in the house, it will help my mind to declutter. Just a thought! And what would it hurt to try it and see if it works??

I assume I have led myself to be crazy the past few posts... but I'm telling ya, if I don't vent this stuff, it feels like it is going to make me crazy!!! Everybody wants to be alert and able to think.. I need something to make me not think. You know your mind is going like crazy when you have had a tension headache for 2 day straight and your jaw is sore from being so on edge and gritting your teeth. But, now that this is the beginning of a new day, and we have all been privileged to wake up with the chance of a new start again.... I am going to go continue my plan of being a runner! =) Trust me, my legs hurt in places I never knew could hurt and my legs are desperately telling me to chill, but my mind and heart tells me not to listen and to take off!! I did have a split moment to where I thought maybe i should take a break today and let my legs recoop, but I know if I take a break today, I will take a break tomorrow also. Plus, look at all the people in the army. When they are in boot camp, regardless of how out of shape they are, they are forced to push on every single day. They don't get a break because they are sore.. so obviously, when you are sore it isn't necessary to recover before pushing on! As dory from finding Nemo would say, "just keep swimming, just keep swimming" and how more appropriate could that comment be while typing this and watching shark week on discovery channel! =) talk about something being scary in life!! I think my thoughts are scary but I tell ya, seeing these creatures...that is scary!!