This morning I sent $20 with Trenton to school so that he could go shopping in the little christmas store to buy gifts for me, david, nana, and his friend Lucas without me being there and seeing them and having to pay for them. Excited is an understatement for what he was! The school provided a little envelope that you wrote the names of the people he was shopping for on, the most money he was allowed to spend on them, and then it had a place where he would write how much he spent on each person so I would know when he got home. When he got home... starts the story....
I got to my mom's to pick him up this afternoon, and as soon as I got there he was ready to give me mine, and show me what else he got. Of course I was excited to see what he had picked out for me! He pulls out a pin that is a snowman for Nana, and then give me a ring with a huge fuschia stone in the middle that actually looks like it came from a gumball machine ( I love it though!), and he pulls out an ink pen that says "grampa" on it for David (I will explain this in a minute), and then pulls out 2 survivor kits that are tape measures, pens, flashlights, and screwdrivers all in one. Before I could say anything, Trenton explained to me that one survivor kit was for Lucas and the other for him and that he paid $8 a piece for them. My jaw instantly dropped open! They by no means were worth $8 a piece! And I by no means was trying to be mean or rude when I asked Trenton why he got himself one, and he said because he liked it. So I tried to explain to him that the money was for him to buy gifts for people for christmas, not for himself and that christmas is about giving and not recieving. No sooner than the words left my mouth, he got the look on him as if he was just heart broken. His chin started to quiver and he was holding back the tears. I asked what was wrong, and he took off running to his bedroom and said "Nothing! I don't even want my survivor kit now!" Naturally, I felt HORRIBLE! So I went to his room to talk to him, and was asking what was wrong, and he kept saying he didnt want it anymore which only made me feel even worse about the situation. So I told him it was okay, and that he could keep his and that nobody was telling him he couldn't have it, and that I just didn't understand why he spent so much money on those 2 things and only left $4 to be spent between 3 other people. Next words out of his mouth.. "Mommy I thought you all would like them! It didn't matter how much they cost!"... another stab to my heart. So after reassuring him that I loved my ring, and that Nana loved her pin, he started to calm down. But while on the topic, I just had to ask, "why did you get David a pen that says Grampa on it?" As tears came back to his eyes, he said, "I wanted to get him a pen because I know he has to use pens at work all the time and I just couldn't find one that said dad on it, only grampa. I'm just a loser for getting that but I was going to take a marker and scribble grampa out of it so he would never know!"... the stab that literally took my heart out nearly. I just sat there for a moment.. I myself was now coming to tears. I felt awful! After I finally got him calmed down and assured him that David would love it, I myself couldn't get over it. Here I was telling him about what the true meaning of christmas is, and I acted awful myself over it! I wasn't upset over what he got us.. shocked considering the money I sent with him and nothing being over $8 there.... I guess I just assumed he would have gotten a lot more for his money. And I wasn't upset that he got himself something.. just trying to make a point that he gets things all the time through out the year, and never gets to buy for other people... and I by no means was making fun of the grampa pen, I literally was just wondering why get something that said Grampa? So after all of this happening, I have been in the worst funk all night long. It's one of those things you just feel so guilty over and ashamed of that you can't quit reliving it over and over in your mind. Some may think I am overreacting to this, but this has literally just broken my heart tonight. I could cry just thinking about it as I write this! He was so pitiful over it, and was truly upset! Every mother knows when their child is truly upset or just faking, and this was beyond just being upset. It was almost as if I made his heart feel as sad as I made my own tonight. I do believe it was a lesson learned for the both of us... a heart wrenching one for me atleast. :(
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