what can I say other than I have been in the worst fucking blah mood known to man all week long. Not quite sure if it was the whole bells palsy thing I found out i was enduring at the first of the week that started me off on the wrong foot with the excruciating pain I was having from it, not to mention the word palsy in there had me picturing horrible things in the future from seeing people with true palsy but I cant seem to snap out of whatever is going on in my life right now at all.
It if isn't one thing, it's always another. I had my perfect job at the time, Lowes. Obviously, not so perfect being they let some seasonal help go, and guess who was a wonderful part of the seasonal help? KACIE! It crushed me!! It really did! I was really enjoying that job more than any job I have had in a long time. I looked forward to going into work, looked forward to working with my fellow employees, and felt great getting to just have small talk with customers while pushing the buttons on the cash register. Yes, I am a button pusher. I love it. I am the worst person in the world to take down any aisle in a store that has key pads to push buttons on. I love to see how they feel. Some are squishy, some are stiff, yeah you get the drift. So now, I am back to square one of looking for a job. A job that seems to not really exist in this shit hole town that I was born and raised in. But what can I do? sit and squaller in my sadness, or hold my head up and keep looking. I believe i will go for keep looking and trying to get myself back to where it is that i need to be in life. Certainly, because I for sure can not keep feeling the way that i have been feeling so much lately. I've never felt so worthless and useless in all of my life. Sure, a lot of people think its all in my head and that i might be just going through some type of depression, but it stems a little deeper than that. Deeper than that in a way that I would rather not go into with anybody. Just pray for me. That's the one thing I can do, and the one thing i can for anybody else to do that will not cost a dime out of our pockets at the moment.
I miss the old kacie. I was told that someone was afraid that a piece of me changed and died when my brother died and i myself am starting to firmly believe in that myself too. Maybe i was just in denial about it before, but things have never been the same and are never going to be the same without Derek here as a part of my life. It's impossible and it's something I just need to accept and move on. But unlike some people out there, that is so much more easier said than done when it comes to me than it is to others. He truly was the biggest inspiration and one of the most important people in my life compared to my son. My best friend, my confident. There is nothing in this world I wouldnt do in order to be able to talk to him just once more. To assure him of how much I always loved him and how much I will always love and miss him. I feel that he hears me, and I feel that he knows it. I just wish I could hear it back for my own sanity in life.
So what is a girl to do? Try to find the humor in life like she always did although she sees no more humor in front of her eyes. Or just pretend she has the humor left in her in an effort to fool the world around her into thinking she is the same person? Am I just over reacting? Am I just over thinking? Am i just overwhelmed? I tend to sway towards overwhelmed at the moment being. Sorry for this to be nothing but a rant and rave on my emotions, but somewhere, somehow, I had to find a way in order to get this out of me. Amazing though for me to be such a vocal and talkative person with always so much to say, yet I feel as if I have to hold back so much in an effort to keep fooling myself and the people around me when at times, i feel nothing more than dead on the inside.
Life sucks. Have you heard that lately? If not, let me say it again. Life sucks. Right now at least.
Goodnight friends.
No comments:
Post a Comment