For a while now, I have had problems from someone whom I once cared about more than anybody else. We had so much fun together and it was never ending laughter between the two of us. But as time has went on, I honestly dont even know this person anymore. I have no clue as to what goes on in her mind other than everything that she sits and finds wrong with me. I have been through a lot when it comes to a lot of friends, and have often found myself knowing that they really arent friends. But being the forgiving person I am, I always find it in me to give them just once more chance. It seems as though no matter what somebody does to me, when I look at them, I still see what I saw in them in the beginning of first meeting them and forget about what they have done to me since then. A lot of people tend to think I am crazy for being this way and crazy for giving these people chance after chance, but I have to admit, I would much rather be a forgiving person and knowing that I hold no hatred in my heart than someone who holds grudges towards someone for the rest of my life.
Now for a little past information on my situation. This person that I am referring to has a major problem with being very spiteful, and revengeful. She tends to forget about what she does in order to make someone snap and lose their mind towards her. Actually, she doesn't forget. She just finds no wrong in her doings but when you lash back at her, she is quick to let everyone know the "horrible" things you said to her. About 5 years ago, after a night of constant harassing text from her, I finally could no longer take it and called her a name I never should have. One that I knew would hurt her feelings but never tried to keep myself from doing just that. What is right of me to do this even though she had been calling me names and sending awful text messages to me for hours that day? No. But one can only take so much until they snap and can no longer take it anymore. Did I forgive her for what all she said to me that day? Yes. Because although it made me mad, what good was it going to do for me to hold onto it for the rest of my life? None whatsoever. Has she let go of what I said? No. Wanna know how I know? Because she has never tried to be the same towards me since then. Her not being the same towards me since then would not bother me in the least bit if we had not tried to remain friends afterwards. But how can you be friends with someone who won't open up and allow you to be that friend again? How is it right for you to get the blame for everything and she take none? It's not.
So after some plans were failed for Saturday which were not intentionally done on my part. I start receiving these text messages again. Then comes the hundreds of messages sent to me on facebook. Pages of messages sent. Oddly enough, none of it was anything to really do with what happened Saturday. It was all messages telling me what I do wrong in life, and how I am a nobody pretty much. She is continuing to bring up things that have absolutely nothing to do with this situation. Slurs are being thrown about things she is clueless about. truthfully, I actually got the giggles from one of them because the stuff written in it were so irrelevant to anything going on. I actually was not even going to respond to her at all, but after reading what she had to say to me and about me and my life and realizing that she is clueless about every ounce of it and was just making a fool out of herself, I felt that I had every right to defend myself. Of course with her there is no such thing as being able to defend yourself. It just gives her lead way to come back and say something else to you because lord knows there is no such thing as anybody getting the last word if it isnt her getting it.
This past year, these messages have happened at least every month and quite frankly I am over it and I have never been so tired of anything in my life. It does no good to try and talk to her about it. And even when I told her that I was done and that I didn't care anymore because she has pushed me not to care, she still can not just accept that. I mean, people grow up. And people out grow each other. I considered her my best friend at one time, but honestly, no friend causes the stress and heartache she continuously puts on me. She knows about nothing going on in my life but still feels that she has every right to talk about it and throw it up at me even when she is so wrong it is not even funny. This whole thing is so childish and immature to me. I actually feel like I am losing brain cells each and every time I read one of the new 10 page messages she sends to me. It is so stupid, I honestly have to think about what it is that I am even supposed to respond back to.
What does being mad at me have to do with me going to school and how I do in school? What does it have to do with what happened while I was in cosmetology school? What does it have to do with her kids and how she raises them? What does it have to do with me forgiving anybody that has done something to me in the past? What does me not working have to do with it right now? Seriously. I would really like to know what in the hell any of this has to do with her being mad at me for not going somewhere with her saturday night? To me, it doesn't.
How do you continue to deal with this? I can't even handle the thought of this being this way for the rest of my life. It is doing nothing but pushing me away, and has pushed me away. To me, the hassle and fussing back and forth is not worth it anymore. it's not like we are inseperable as we once were so I know I can live my life just fine without her as a part of it and I am to the point that I no longer care if she is a part of it or not. I actually think things would be a lot better for me because I wouldn't have to walk on eggshells in fear of making her mad. You're supposed to be able to be open and honest with friends and not feel as though you have to watch your every move around them and have to watch making them mad because they will write status updates about you on facebook. She tends to think that because she doesn't put my name then it is no big deal. She has also wrote blogs about me. And although I am writing this blog, let me assure you this is the first time I have ever done such a thing but my brain is seriously in such an overload towards her that I have to do something before I totally snap at her and give her something to really hold against me for the next 5 years.
The only thing she has said to me these past few days is how great her life is without me and how great she has it and how bad of a life I have and how I am such a nobody. Ok, well if that is the case then what does she even care what I do? You would think if one is so great and mighty that it would be nothing for her to just let all of this go and leave me alone. And that is the thing, I actually dont want to argue with her. I dont even want to talk to her. I just want to walk away without being enemies but after sending me messages bitching me out and putting me down, then sending messages apologizing, and then sending a message that is talking about anything and everything that is totally irrelevant to anything to do with me, how in the world am I supposed to feel? I feel like I have been reading messages from a 3 headed polly parrot that doesn't know its ass from a hole in the ground. I'm actually so confused as to what her point is behind all of this I cant even start to think of what it could be to even try and explain it to you.
So what do I do? Do I say okay I forgive you and not mean it, or do I stick to me gut and just walk away from this. Let it be what it is and never look back. Although I normally do end up talking to people again and forgiving them, if this girl really knew me anymore, she would know that I am well over all of that. I may forgive them, but I dont just run back to being their friend again. I am sick and tired of letting people walk on me and me taking the blame in order to just keep the controversy down about it all. And after reading some of the things she wrote to me, and after her bringing up my brother's death to me, I could honestly care less if we ever mend this. I am exhausted. This friendship has exhausted me in the past year and I have came to the decision that I dont need it. My mind doesnt need it, and my life doesnt need it. There is no reason in keeping up this pretending game that we are what we once were and i no longer care to try and pretend. But why in the world can she just not accept it as what it is and be done also?
Im rambling, and these messages these past 4 days have literally left my mind so jumbled up I cant even describe what is going on anymore. I almost so tempted to copy and paste those messages to this blog just so that everyone can look at them and know that I am not just being crazy about this. And just so you can see what I am talking about when I say that it is so childish, stupid, immature, and that she is just sticking her foot in her mouth and making a fool out of herself by bringing up things she has no clue about. No matter what I say back to her, and how I word it, she takes it as me throwing something up at her. So it does no good with me even trying to communicate any of this back to her. Example: when she brought up she goes to school and she does good in school, I replied with the fact that I had no clue what that has to do with anything and that I didnt know what she was talking about because the only time I have ever gotten a bad grade in college is when Derek died. And unlike her, what she does in school is not any of my business hence why I didn't get mad and talk about her making F's her first time around in school. So guess what? She took that as me throwing her school up at her which lead her to throwing even more up at me when in all honesty I was not. I was just proving a point that I have never said anything about it ever in my life because what she does in school is not any of my business and therefore she doesnt need to talk about things dealing with me that she knows nothing about and things that are none of her business. I even told her that was what I meant behind that but of course it was just something else for her to bring up and find something else to throw at me. So what am I supposed to do in this lose/lose situation? Walk away. Definitely. is she going to allow it? Obviously not. One thing is for sure though, I am ready for it to stop, and for her to be gone before I end up hurting people's feelings to the extreme. I may be a forgiving person, but I am also the type that takes it and takes it and when I've had enough, I have had enough. And I promise you, i have had enough in this situation and with this person!!
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