For My Son

1. No matter how you feel, or what you think, I will always love you more than any other given soul in this world. You may think I hate you when I take your games away, or when you are a teenager and you are not allowed to stay out past 11:00 pm, regardless of who all else has a 12:00 am curfew. I just hope that every time I am told the worlds "you just hate me!", you will go in your bedroom and secretly tell yourself "nah, my mom loves me more than anything".

2. It is okay to be sweet. Sweet is ALWAYS better than bitter. Fact: nobody likes anybody that sits around and does nothing but complains all of the time, they like the one's that always tell them please and thank you, and I promise you will make a difference in every girl's life you flash that brilliant smile of yours at, and tell them how nice they look.

3. Good hygiene is a must! Now, and for the rest of your life! It is not okay to play outside in the dirt and mud all day long and assume that because you didn't knowingly throw dirt in your hair, that it is clean, and that it does not smell like a dirty little boy. I'm assuming as you grow older, you will be a little more concerned with how your hair looks anyways, and this theory with dirt will fade away.

4. Good hygiene does not mean you have to look like a cast member of the jersey shore. (refer back to #3) But good hygiene does mean that I expect to see those pearly whites of yours, stay extra pearly white.

5. It is a-okay to pee outside. For that matter, I know for a fact, you will always pee outside, it is not something you will outgrow in life. It's just what men do. (women have learned to accept this). It is choreographed into your DNA before you are ever thought of, making it not your fault you are able to piss over a Volkswagen at age 3, and barely over a stump at age 73.

6. Smart is good! Most teens do not tend to lean toward this statement, but after that long road of teenage hood, you will come to realize one day in your life that you wish you had paid attention and done well in school so that you can have all of those fast, souped up hot rod cars you love so much.

7.  Chocolate milk will be just as good at the age of 27 as it is at the age of 9.

8. Always have your sense of humor on the end of your tongue. There is something about a guy with a sense of humor. Whether it be the guy everyone works with in the office, or the guy that keeps the girls giggling, we all love it. And my dear, it is a trait that comes natural to you therefore I already foretell a few phone calls from the school about you in the future.

9. Stay young forever. As much as I would love to keep you my little boy for all of your life, I know that is not possible and one day, I am going to have to let you 'grow up'. When you 'grow up', all I ask from you is that you keep that inner child within you. Remain young. Find the resilience you have as a child, and have fun. Nobody likes a sour-puss. (refer back to #2)

10. Be creative. Keep drawing, painting, writing, reading & thinking. Push your brain to its up most limits, and run with your thoughts. If you think it, and think it can be done, try it. No matter what age, I will always have my drawer full of your paintings, writings, and drawings, and unfortunately, I will always have them hanging on my refrigerator. I keep everything you make and buy (pick out for me with Nana's help) for me, and always will. Do no be alarmed if I am still wearing the button pin with your picture when you are visiting from college.

11. I pray that this trend is gone by the time you are older, but as it seems now, it will still be in swing full force, but please, and I repeat, please, do not wear your pants hanging at your knees with your ass and god knows what else showing to the world around you. it is not attractive, it does not make you cool, and how do you expect to run if you are being chased by a rabid dog? Something to think about.

12. I hope that you learn one day to not be so much like me and that you become more of a morning person and less of a night owl. Sure getting to sleep in is great, but the older you get, the more you will realize you have done nothing but waste away your day. And one day, you will start feeling guilty for doing so.

13. I expect you to be a good boyfriend and husband. I will never forget the day you asked me what adultery meant after reading it on a sign going down the road. I said to you, "it is when someone cheats while they are married." After thinking for a few moments, you wanted to know if it counted for boyfriends and girlfriends. Not knowing the true answer, I told you, "I'm not really sure but either way you shouldn't cheat on anybody. That is an awful feeling to be cheated on. I've had it done to me before and its just awful..." Your response, "Oh, I know!! I have been cheated on before and it will break your heart!" Keep in mind, you were 8 years old while telling me this. Hopefully, you will always remember the day you found out you were being cheated on at 8 years old, and that feeling will keep you considerate of the future lucky girls in your life.

14. It's okay to go to a party as long as it is a party with streamers, confetti, cakes, candles, treat bags, and balloons. Not with beer, drugs and strippers. And just to play it safe, let me add prostitutes so there are no confusions on what I said could not be there.

15. Oh, and just so you know, all of the times you sat on the couch watching "The Real Housewives of (insert big city name)", those are not true housewives. Your mom is a true housewife.

16. Learn to cook, clean, do laundry, fold clothes, sort clothes, make a bed, do dishes, mow the yard, weed eat, plant flowers, decorate, re-seal a drive way, kill bugs, help animals, save animals, drive, use turn signals, keep your foot on the break, shift gears, wash a car, wax a car, take the trash out, actually remember to take the trash can to the road, decorate, hang a picture straight, align more than one wall decoration straight, level, and even, clean the bath tub, rinse your toothpaste out of the sink, and to make it completely across the monkey bars.

17. Buy your wife pearls. Every girl deserves pearls from her husband.

18. Remain curious. Curiosity means you are thinking. Thinking leads to being curious. Curious leads to asking questions. And asking questions leads to learning more. Always think outside of the box and ask every question that ever comes to mind. According to how you have always been, I feel that this wont be an issue later in life.

19. When you love, love with everything in you.

20. No matter how much you heard me tell you "if you don't bother bee's, they won't bother you" growing up. You will learn, that is not the truth. Not a lie though, just more like an antic to allow you to enjoy the warm summer days to their fullest.

21. Be spontaneous. It helps you to remain young at the heart, gives you a fun loving heart, and makes you feel like a true super hero.

22. Always, always, always, always know that your Uncle D loved you more than anything in this world. He was truly proud of everything you ever accomplished from cooing and saying 'I good' as an itty bitty baby, to rolling over, smiling for the first time, crawling, walking, talking, giggling, drinking from a straw, driving your john deer tractor power wheels around every nook and corner without ever running into anything, the fact that you absolutely loved being around him, and the fact that you were so fascinated in his newest art creations. He bragged about you all of the time, and was so proud to be the male role model in your life. He was ecstatic about you being able to go visit him in CT in the summer of 2010 and that he got to take you to NYC and show you everything you've ever dreamed of. You walked around all day long looking for spider man and kept telling us "i just know he works at the daily bugle" and then, coming out of Toys R Us on Times Square, there he stood, spider man! :) D loved the fact that he was able to experience 11 days with you at Disney World and that he was a part of your first memory of the place that every kid longs to go to. You truly were the light of his life. One thing I ask of you, take the memories you have with him and hold on to them for the rest of your life. Let him continue to be a role model and inspiration in your life and keep in mind, if you walk the right path, you two will be together again. Think about that one!

23. Just because you have been privileged enough to be spoiled rotten, do not always expect to get everything you want, and do not always expect for everything to go exactly as you want. I repeat- do not show your ass and look like a whiner. Repeat- do not act like a whiner.

24. Since you like to ask me every time you eat one, what you used to call a kit-kat when you were little, I just want to add to this, you called them kitty-kats. :)

25. Know that I will always be your mommy. I will kiss your boo-boos for as long as you will allow it. I will lay in bed rubbing your hair, talking about Pokemon for as long as you believe in them. No matter where you are, you are in my mind. And no matter what life brings you, it will be bringing it to me too for I will be at your side forever and always. I will always have your favorite foods on stock, and I will always plan your favorite meals when I know you will be coming home. I will always act as silly as you will allow me to in front and with you, and I will always be here for you no matter what life struggles seem to stumble upon you. And, never forget, as your mom, I am allowed to love you more than myself, and more than anything in this world, and I always will.

It's no surprise to me, I am my own worst enemy

Late nights are always the worst. My mind starts racing, and the witching hour of always doubting myself begins. I am the true example in life of "my mind is my own worst enemy". No matter what has happened, and no matter what hasn't happened yet, when my brain turns on, I start doubting myself. I'm the type that will worry about braking a shoe lace. Sometimes I worry about it before it even happens just in fear of not being able to find the exact type of laces that came with the shoe, and lord forbid if I ever do break the shoe lace because then I am worried to death on when i will be able to get the new shoe laces and where I will ever find any just like the one's that broke. Crazy right? I mean, come on! It's just a freaking shoe lace! Not quite- at that moment, it becomes my life. And to think you all thought I was crazy before! =)

Here it is, 1 am and my mind is going a hundred miles an hour. Mostly about my brother tonight though. There isn't a day that goes by that I do not think of him numerous times a day. Most of the time, not an hour goes by that I dont think about him. At times, not a minute goes by.

It's amazing that every person I know says that time heals all wounds and that time makes things easier. Guess what! That's a lie. I cry just as hard now as I did when my brother first passed last year. Speaking of the word passed. I always say passed. I can never say the word dead in the same sentence that has my brother's name in it. Maybe it makes it sound too real? Who knows.

I'd do anything in this world to be able to talk to him just one more time. I'd settle for 1 minute, just enough time to say "i love you". I pray all of the time that my brother knows how much he meant to me and knows how much I love him. And then I pray that he hears me praying for that, just so I know that he knows for sure one way or another.

I feel him at times. His presence. It's comforting. It's peaceful. It's calming. I don't feel him as much as I did when it all first happened, which i wish I did, but I feel him and that's what counts. I dont care if it's for a few seconds, as long as I get that feeling. Some people think I'm coo-coo for saying and believing this, but i think i'd be coo-coo if I didn't believe and know this.

It's amazing how when someone dies you are able to pin point every single thing you ever did wrong with them. Thankfully, I don't ever remember my brother and I having a fight. And I don't mean that I literally don't remember it, as if it happened. I mean I dont remember it as in it never happened. We never fought, never raised our voice at one another, never said anything we truly regretted to one another. But, I do regret not calling him the last day of his existence on this earth. I talked to him almost every day most of the time. Sure, there were times that we would go 2, 3 days tops without actually talking to one another on the phone, but we would always keep in touch through text during those days. The last day he was alive, we did neither. Boy, If i could go back in time and know what happened was about to happen, I'd called and never let him off the phone that day. Biggest regret of my life is procrastinating that used to be usual phone call.

Everything about my brother impacted my life. From the time when we were young, to the time when we grew older. Especially the time he left this world. Some people don't get it because they've never been through it. Some people have never been through it, but get it. And then there are some people, who get it, but refuse to understand it. i can't lie and say that I am fine now because I will never be fine with my brother being taken from this world at such a young age. He had so much going for him, so much to experience, and so much to give. It's a tragedy in our family and a tragedy he was robbed of these privileges. Some may think it's wrong of me, but I can not help the fact that the day my brother was taken, a piece of me was taken with him. My heart has never felt the same since. I'm not sure at this point that it will ever feel the same again.

I'd love to be able to think of my brother and have nothing but warming, loving feelings. While I do indeed have these feelings in my heart when it comes to him, I think of so many things I would have done different such as the phone call, and one big one, I would have had him walk me down the aisle at my wedding. He wanted to be the one to do so, so badly but with my Daddy still living, I felt that it was his place. If I could do it over, it would have been my dad, my brother and Trenton. unfortunately, with life, there are no second chances at times. No matter how much we wish for them, most of the time we do not get them.

So am I the bad person for letting my brother and his passing effect my life so strongly? Or is it the people that find this to have been a problem the bad people? I tend to lean towards the side, I'm not the bad person. I'm the sister that looked up to her older brother more than jerry looked up to tom. I'm the sister that had so much more than a connection of being siblings with her brother, the sister that loved her brother more than she has loved herself most of her life. Derek was the one to always encourage me, push me, and keep me grounded. He always had a way of making me find my best qualities, focus on them, and love them to the core. I miss his words of wisdom and advice, the connection I shared with him but nobody else, and the love he always showed towards me. I miss him.

So what's a girl to do? Do you move on in life as if nothing ever happened like you see so many people do? Or do you mourn yourself to death due to you not being able to physcially, mentally, and emotionally handle the emotions you have due to such an important role in your life being snatched from you during the night, just like you would imagine the tooth fairy snatching teeth from under pillows as fast as she could before being seen? I dont have the answer to this. Not sure if I ever will. Until then, I think I'll just stick to loving Derek for who he was and loving him for all he was to me.

facebook.... and then they are blessed.

Facebook. The world in which everyone gets to be the person they wish they were. The world in which nobody has struggles, nobody has secrets, and everybody is blessed. I in fact could start a riot with what I am about to go into, but oh well, let the frenzy begin! =) Lets go back to the part where everybody is blessed. I am sure there are aspects in EVERYBODY'S life that makes them feel blessed, and I am sure there are instances that occur in one's life that makes them realize their true blessings. But, I feel that the people that are always, always, always, posting about how blessed they are, really truly do not feel that way. It's almost as if they truly are trying to cover the cracks in their life by assuring everyone that they are something that they are not. I know that you all have seen these postings by people that you know outside of the this perfect facebook world, and know different than what they post to the one's that dont know the truth to the depths of the cracks in their life. Dont get me wrong, I count what blessings I have every single day, but I do not and will not ever claim to have the perfect life. What is the perfect life? There is no one particular thing that makes life perfect. To some, the perfect life would to be rich. Others might be to find their one true love. Some, it may be both, and a bag of cookies. Who knows if this perfect life even exist? To think about it, I'd probably say not. Simply because the rich always want to be richer, the pretty always want to be prettier. Is anybody ever truly satisfied? Sure, we can maintain a happiness with what we have settled for at the moment, but there is always the longing to have more. Dont worry, it's a natural occurrence embedded in a single strand of DNA, activated the day you are born. It's part of being human. We are our worst enemies. We criticize ourselves to the core, and criticize our neighbors to the grave. Therefore, this is a very natural thing to feel this way, to want more, to long for more. Some make it, and some dont. Amazingly, the one's that usually make it in life never brag about it. They never assure people of what they are and what they aren't. But the one's that have done things you'd think you'd only see in movies, are the one's that assure the world of the their love and kindness. Not to forget, these are the people who are "blessed". Is blessed what you have? Or is it how you feel? We all say we "count our blessings", but I don't sit and count what I consider a blessing. My blessings come from my heart. I know people that consider their blessings what they have. Oh they have a new car. They are blessed. Oh, they have a new computer. They are  blessed. Oh, they have a new decoration. They are blessed, Are you kidding me? This is what makes me want to deactivate my facebook and live in the real world that once existed before the world population got so hung up on playing make believe. Don't get me wrong, not everybody on facebook is like this. At all! But, it just eerks my nerves to the core to the one's that do act this way. If you think about it.... if these people are wanting this so call perfect life they are so blessed with, but truly don't have a lick of anything that slides off their gritty tongue, you'd think they would have something in them to go and get it wouldn't ya? I mean, they dont care to find the drive to get it out of someone else, so why wouldnt they take that drive and work on getting somewhere in life for themselves? It's sad. Very sad. But not sad enough for me to have enough pity for them to join the poor pity parties they throw themselves once they shut down, and close their existence to their perfect life. Yes, facebook is a handy tool that allows people to connect to people in their lives that they would have never got to connect with. It's great for the people that you dont get to see very often. It's great to read when you are absolutely bored. And it's great at making you hate the one's you love. lol And what I mean about that is just reading the post and status updates about people that you've known for years will get on your nerves at times. They want to go far too deep into their life talking about bodily functions that make you gag a little bit while reading it. They inform you of when their last bowel movement was, what they had for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks. They let you know how many times they went to piss and how many squares of toilet paper it required to wipe. They let you know every single thing they are doing during the day and where exactly they will be which is probably the dumbest thing i've ever heard due to anybody could break into their home and take what they'd like becuase they would know exactly where this person is, and exactly when to expect them to be home. It's ridiculous honestly! It allows people to talk smack about each other and say things that they know good and damn well they'd never say to a person's face, and it allows them to continuously look into your life when they declared you were no longer welcome. (how bad did they really want you out of their life if they are always checking in on you?) It allows an infatuation for people that have never met or talked anywhere other that comments on posts on facebook. If you truly wanna get even deeper into it, it has turned man against man. It has consumed people's lives and caused more hurt and pain than any person going around town talking crap. I've gotten way off topic.... like crazy cat lady off topic and i am refusing to erase this and start over. =) No im not crazy although this post obviously has led to that direction a slight bit, i'm just up entirely way too late and past my bedtime, and the wheels in my head are rolling. Rolling enough I believe I have smoke coming from my ears... Sorry, no, that's the smoke from the cigarette that I am smoking and that I can't seem to quit smoking no matter how much I tell myself I am going to. =) Hey- there is another example! These people that keep telling themselves that they are blessed... no matter how much they say it, it isnt going to change the fact of the truth in their life, just like no matter how much i tell myself I am gonna cut back and quit smoking, and I never do. But as I end this sleepy, rambling, chaotic, out of my realm of what i normally blog about, let me tell you one thing to keep in mind. Maybe Facebook is the anticrist everyone is expecting this year. =) hehe. just kidding. maybe

A loud growl

For once in my life I have been able to completely block something out of my mind. Never in my life have I ever been able to do this in the past. Normally, I would analyze every single thing about the problem or situation and I would run it over and over in my head picturing the event over and over, nearly driving myself crazy. That is the one bad thing about having a good memory. Too many details will ruin your mind! And for the record, most believe that I can't remember anything.... wanna know why? Because I pretend like I cant. It's amazing when you play stupid and as if you cant remember something and listen to them tell you the same story they have told numerous times before and listen to the difference in the story every single time. Eventually, they tell the story so different each time, you are able to put all of the different versions together, and end up with the truth without this person even realizing it after they obviously didnt want you to know the truth to begin with. I'm a huge observer too! I pay attention to every blink, every bite of the lip, the pause in your sentence, you name it and I am paying attention to it. Another amazing thing I have about me.... I'm a huge talker. Most think that because I am talking all the time that I am not paying attention to anything but really, that's just my way of getting someone to believe I'm not paying attention, and my way of being able to read the whole room inside and out. And to think they think I am the stupid one! ;) ha!

Anyways- this past year I have been tested in more ways than one. One thing that happened this past year had been happening for a long time but in the past I would just keep my mouth shut and pretend as if things were never said and done. I hate controversy! Absolutely hate it! I end up just blowing up and going off like a stick of dynamite lit on both ends and saying things that I truly do not mean and totally regret about 20 mins after the argument when I have calmed down a bit. For once, I chose not to say anything. At first I started to, but then I came back to myself and realized it would not be worth it in the end and that it would just feed the bear trying to get me. Now tell me, how in the world do you not saying anything keep a fight going? I mean, you havent said anything to stir the stink at all but the bear just keeps running full force trying to steal your basket. Is it that they are the type that likes to have the last word and by you remaining calm and keeping your mouth shut, it doesnt not allow the bear to get its last run on you which makes the bear angrier by the minute, huffing and puffing, trying to figure out how to get that basket from you? And what would make them rally up the team in the forest to gang up on you as if you are a major threat to the readily stampede around you?

So what if you have went to the woods many times and had amazing times while there? What if there have been times that you have seen this bear and things were always amazing watching it romp around and do its things, being its natural self before the bear decides to turn on you? Would you go back into the woods in an effort to find that peace that you once had while sitting in the quiet woods? Or would you never step foot back into the woods being you had a bear after everything you had, including YOU, and managed to rally the moutain lions, wolves, and pirana in the stream waiting to snap at you and eat you apart piece by piece until they tore you apart until there was nothing left?  Naturally, before you could make your mind up about the woods, you would instantly have those images of the fun, peaceful times of being in the woods but then the images of that bear growling, standing broad and as wide as it can, showing its ugly teeth come to your mind. I think there would be no argument that you probably would not choose to walk into the woods with a sense of nothing would happen. You would never fully be able to look straight and not feel as if you had to watch your back every step of the way through those woods. Not being able to trust the environment around you, naturally you would probably find another place in your life to find the peace and happiness that the woods, bear, deer, rabbits, and squirrels once brought you. After finding your new place of serenity and peace, where you are able to sit calmly and watch the new world around you, there would be times to where you remembered those woods and remembered the joy that it once brought you in your life, but why would you go back to those woods while having that little voice inside your head telling you not to, and to turn around? Why would you want to feel as if at any moment something evil could come out of the woods and try to rip you apart once again just for the glory of your basket when you can sit by a waterfall, relaxed, pulling petals off of flowers, and letting the sun shine on you. The woods... the dark, shaded, cold place can no longer harm you while you are in the rays of the sun with the refelection of the crystal blue water surrounding you on your skin.  The memories, whether be good or bad of the woods, will always remain. But when the slight instance comes back to walk through those woods again, you will never feel the same about it again. Eventually the memory of those dark cold woods will start to fade and the sun will start to shine a little brighter at that waterfall. Finally, you have found what it was you were looking for every time you stepped foot in those woods. The glory of your surroundings will start to fade into you, making you who you were looking to be every time you sat staring that bear in its eyes, until the day you were watching it raise hell as if it were rabid, coming at you, wanting to tear you apart, eat you alive, and run off with your basket soul. Finally, it's over. No more worries, No more stress, no more bear. 

Fibered Tears

Okay, it's no secret that my favorite times of the year are when Trenton is out of school. I love it! I love being able to do whatever we want, when we want, with no perfect timing schedule that we have to stick to every night. I love the junk good, the couch slumber parties, sleeping in, going outside, and all in all, just the huge amount of time that we get to spend with each other. :)

This week has been spring break for Trenton and we have had the best time! He has been so sweet and so good and I have loved every minute of it!

Last night, we were sitting on the couch watching tv late way past our bedtime, and I asked him if he has had a good spring break which was proceeded by him saying "yes." Being the detailed nosy person I am, I went on to ask what his favorite part of it has been. With the sweetest little voice, he looked over me with those big brown eyes that are absolutely to die for, and said "getting to spend so much time with you mommy!" Oh my gosh! My heart literally melted! It was the most sweetest thing ever! While my heart was trying to reabsorb and get back to its shape, I could not help but sit there and think to myself how lucky I am to have a child that loves me just as much as I love him because lord knows, i love that little boy with every inch of my body, every beat of my heart, and every breath I take. My universe is consumed with one thing, Trenton. And I wouldnt have it any other way! :)

Of course while we are eating whatever we want whenever we want, and staying up late, we also have the right to run around in a star wars costume with laser pistols, and red light sabres.  Unfortunately, with all of the bad guys that require being cut in half with fascinating, glowing light sabers, there also comes the moment when you are injured and have to wave the white flag and stop the war. Trenton somehow managed to cut his finger or get a "fiber" in it as he was calling it that was so tiny I myself could not see it. Every time he touched his little pointer finger to something, he would let our the most pitiful little cry of pure agony and would have the biggest tears you've ever seen running down his face. Something about him sitting there with his little finger extended, crying those big tears while wearing his costume, tore my heart up. I absolutely hate when he is being so good and so sweet and then something happens and he gets hurt.

After running his finger under cold water a few times, and even putting oragel on it, in an attempt to try and numb it, the "fiber" still remained in tact and the tears were still coming. Finally after trying to run water over again, and finally talking him into letting me put a piece of tape on it, we were able to relieve the horrible pain from the "fiber" and Trenton was able to go back to playing and being the sweet little boy that he always is :)

It's really an amazing thing that something so small can happen to your child, and the thinking you do about it, can cause more hurt in your heart than their little finger ever felt during the time. For almost 2 days now, I have thought and thought, and pictured and pictured in my head, him sitting in his costume and crying so pitifully. I'm not sure why I have relived such a small incident in my head so much, but either way, I have. Every time I think about it, my heart gets more and more squishy. Softer and softer with each picture zooming by in my head as if you were looking through a projector. When I say "I have one strength and one weakness in this world and this is my son" I mean it. That little boy is my heart and soul made over. There is nothing I wouldnt do for him and nobody I wouldnt kill over him. With everything my emotions and heart have been through in this past year, I am almost certain that I would have never made it had it not been for Trenton. The love he and I have for each other is literally what made me wake up each and every morning. As crazy as some may think I am, I can never thank the lord so much for bringing that little boy into this world so early in my life. I honestly believe that God knew what was to come and knew that I would need the strength I get from/for Trenton to survive it all. He's my partner in crime, my side kick, my buddy, my biggins, my T-Lane, and the part of me that stole my heart and soul the day he was born. For that, I will forever owe the lord above for bringing such a blessing and precious gift into my life.

The book of life

So catch this.... maybe this is just me having a manic moment as I have learned this past year, I am perfectly capable and willing to have at any moment, but I am seriously thinking about writing a book. I love to write. Always have but really have found an almost passion for it the older I get. Only problem is, what would I possibly write about? I always have so much to say... so a "how to" would NEVER work for me! Reading it, everyone would be like "okay what is the bloody point here?? get to it already!!" so nope, thats not for me! :) However, on the other hand, I could see myself writing a fictional. I've always liked coming up with stories and poems with a twist, and if I do say so myself, I believe I'm pretty good at them. Then again, I would LOVE to write a book about my brother and the influence he has had in my life and everyone that knew him.. a book telling all of the so so so funny stories, quotes, coined phrases, and everything else hysterical he ever did, but of course the so true, so serious, compassionate, loving, and sincere side of him. Oh- and I would LOVE to write a childrens book!! And I could totally see myself writing a "teen" book also... just on life being a teenage girl.. fictional of course. I remember reading "Are you there God? It's me Margaret" in middle school and that book has stuck out to me in my life ever since. Be interesting to write something like that too.... only problem with ALL of these bright ideas of mine, where do you even start?? Glasgow sure isnt the town known for opportunities.. thats for sure and no secret!! Speaking of Glasgow, I want out of here so bad I cant nearly stand it. I honestly believe that as long as I am in this town, my life is going to be what it is and that I will never have the chance to push myself to my full potential and become something or someone. If it weren't for my mom having a nervous breakdown at the mere thought of me leaving, I'd already be gone and would leave tomorrow if could. Maybe one day Mom will realize these things and realize the better chances and opportunities life would bring me and find a way to accept it. I honestly dont believe that its me she worries about leaving... I know it isnt as a matter of fact. It's Trenton. That little boy is her world and life. She would be nothing without him and I believe she would literally mourn herself to death as if she lost another child if I were to leave with him right now. Strange though at the same time.... why strange? This is why. When I had Trenton, I was a senior in high school. Obviously, I still lived at home and being fearful that I wouldn't be able to financially support him on my own and on a one income family, he and I remained with my mom and step dad until he was 4 years old. Now that I look back at the "big" day of us moving out, My mom and step dad handled it quite well. I was actually afraid to tell them that we had found an apartment and were going to be spreading our wings as a duo and leaving the nest. Surprisngly, they handled it and handled it well and even did all that they possibly could in order to make the experience the best possible for Trenton and me. But then came the hard part.... they missd him and missed him terribly. They were so used to being around Trenton and being the main caretakers of him while I was at work when living at home, it was literally killing them to not be around him as often after we had moved out. So in order fix their crave, mom always informed me of when she was off of work and would always tell me "Trenton is spending the night on this night..." Being I tend to put other people's feelings before I do my own far, far, far too often, I would NEVER tell her no. Same as when Trenton's memaw would want to see him, I would never tell her no either. She too was used to Trenton staying at her house with her on the weekends that he was with his dad so when his dad moved out on his own, she too was adjusting to life without a sweet little boy around a lot. And naturally, when his Dad moved out on his own, he wanted to see Trenton (yes, I have a little boy that is truly loved by so many people! Lucky little guy he is!!) so when he would ask for Trenton to come over, I would never tell him no either. I've always had this huge guilt in me that Trenton has never and will never be able to experience life with both parents together, so no way will I ever come between him and his daddy. Boys need their daddy! Of course, and naturally I have to add this too, they sure need their mama's also!!! Anyways, to the point... with all of these people wanting to see this one little boy so much, it left me with hardly any time with him. Regardless of what I had planned and how bad and desperately I wanted to spend time with him, I would never tell these people no and would always allow him to go to their house. Little did I know at the time, I was building a court case against myself in the long run. A court case to where someone, his dad and step mom, not to mention any names, felt he would be better off coming to stay with them since he was allowed to go there so often and to other family so often. Here that whole time I thought I was doing what was right and best for everyone other than myself. I hated that time, but I knew my mom and step dad were dying to see him (which my step dad was literally dying of cancer and no way would I keep the light of his life away from him when he needed that joy more than anything and I in fact do not and will not regret that a day in my life). I knew Trenton loved his mamaw and papaw and that they sure loved him and tht is why I never told them no. And of course, his dad's visists were court ordered so I wouldnt couldn't tell him no and during this time he was asking to see Trenton more than he ever had and being that was one thing I always wanted for my child, the attention from a dad, I wouldnt have dared told him no to the extra days either. Now, where I am going with all of this...  since my step dad passed away, and especially since Derek passed away, Trenton no longer goes to my mom's as often. They actually go about 2 weeks at a time now without seeing each other. I know, doesnt sound long at all, but trust me, thats a record for her when it comes to Trenton! Sure she calls and talks to him, and everything she ever has to say or ask about is about Trenton, but its not the visists they once shared. Okay, so FINALLY...... what my main point of this is that I really don't understand what me moving away and finding a better way of life would really effect that much? It's not like mom is used to having Trenton around every day like she once was, and if we were to move away, she would still be able to share these phone calls with him. She also could actually skype with him, and of course we would plan "trips" to nana's and let him stay for an extended period of time with her (extended period= 2 weeks). I'm not really sure what her issue about us leaving is other than she wouldnt have that option to see us when she wanted to. Now, if she chooses to have Trenton over (like this weekend), she can. If we were gone, she wouldnt be able to have him at the drop of a call like now.... Plus, since Fred (my step dad died) and since Derek died, Trenton and I are literally all this woman has left. She has no other family..... I think it's amazing that she refuses to date, or even talk to a man because she has gotten used to being alone and says she likes it that way (which I honestly do not and never will believe) but yet she is so fearful of being alone. I know I'm rambling but I have so many mixed emotions on this topic. I want out of this town and don't see the big deal, yet I do see where mom would feel alone and feel guilty leaving her alone. And at the same time as having this guilt, I go back to my life and feel that it's kinda not fair for me to be stuck here. And when I have that thought, I also think, with mom being alone and not living with someone, if something were to happen to her, nobody would know about it and the thought of that tells me to be patient and in due time what is meant to be in my life will be meant to be and happen. I'd never forgive myself if I left her and then something happened to her and nobody was here for her, or even worse, nobody knew and because of nobody knowing and suspecting something, her not surviving because of that. So with all of this jumbled up, randomness being said, I will quit with it here and give you a break on trying to keep up with where I could possibly even imagine going with all of this information. But before I do, let me add, that maybe if I were able to leave this place, certain people would stop with the drama, negative slurs, lies, and fabricated stories that they love and dwell on so much at the same time. I used to fight back... and used to love to fight back. After having Trenton, I realized that fighting back isnt worth anything.... I'm sorry but once you have children and realize what is really important in life, you can't help but realize what's not important at the same time. Feeding the fire does no good. Two people can say what they want to each other and what they have thought or felt for however long, and its not going to do a thing except hurt each other's feelings and keep something not worth it going. It's not going to change how they feel towards each other... it's just going to make it even worse. Finally in my life, I have come to a point to where I love the silence more than the slurs or blows. After many times of David telling me to just be silent and watch a person break, I have listened and boy, he could have never been any more right than he was about telling me that. Unfortunately, when you are dealing with someone that refuses not to have the last word, the silence is just making them crazier acting by the day which actually makes me wonder if I just called this person up and said  "say what you gotta say right now. Say it to me and get it off your chest and maybe then you can sleep at night and quit obsessing over the petty stuff" Sadly, I know that would never work because when put in a situation, I have a sharp tongue that will cut someone down before I even realize what I've said. And plus, it would still be feeding it and making it all worse on me than its already been and very apparently is going to continue to be. Oh well, how these people feel is no longer my problem in life and I actually kinda like the way that sounds. "It's no longer my problem in life"... now that is one that needs to stick in my head for good. A lot of these "situations" going on have to deal with people claiming I am not the same person I used to be. Who am I to lie? I'm not. Am I okay with this? Yep. Am I happy with this? Happy is an understatement. We all have things about us that we don't like and you're a liar is you deny it. There were things about me years ago that I didn't like, so what did I do? I changed them. Since I changed them, I'm happier as a person and in my ownself than I have ever been. I may not be happy with the things that have happened in my life, but I am happy with myself in my life. Big Huge difference in that! I've learned the hard way and slowly to live life for yourself because there is no guarantee that "these people" you are trying to live for or be a certain way for will be in your life in the long run. I'm betting most wont be around. So why change who you are happy with in life, and that who being the most important, yourself, to please other people? If they want you to change, do they really care about you? Do they really even like you? By the looks of it...nope. And since we are now on the topic of certain people in lives, let me add that the ultimate, lowest, most self degrading, distasteful thing a person can do is to bring someone's child into it. I would NEVER in my life say something negative to a mother about her child. I think all of us mothers have this amazing understanding that that is against the rules in a battle and that it is unacceptable. It's just the unspoken of. And even more idiotic is that the phrase that you cant love your child more than anything in this world because you didnt "plan" on having them when you did, is what has upset me more about these rants and raves than anything. I think any mother, whether they are married and were "planning" to have their child, or just so happen to get the biggest "surprise" and gift of their life, knows that this statement was spoken out of ignorance. So, before I let this ignorance wear off on me, I'm leaving it there.

Life is amazing.... no matter how many things can go wrong in my life right now and no matter how much I ty to rub against the grain of all that is happening, I can't help but feel very optimistic and enthused to try it with the grain. Every time something happens that I think is the end of the world, I can honestly say that if you give me a few minutes (preferrably an hour), I can tell you 10 positives to that 1 negative. I'm telling ya, in the past year I have truly learned that you never say "things cant get any worse".. because they always can. And every time you say that, they always will. So slowly but surely, and by all means the hard way, I'm learning to keep my head up and find the things in my life that I am very thankful for along with the things I never realized I was thankful for until training my mind to be positive,

Something even more amazing... "THE DEREK BYRD AWARD"!!!!!!! Oh. My. GOSH! I dont even know where to start with explaining what this award does for my heart! Scratch that... There are no words to even begin. I am still so excited to say that David and I were able to fly to connecticut in order to go to ESPN and me do the honor of giving a speech (not the best I've ever given!) and announce the first ever receipient of The Derek Byrd Award. As soon as I heard about this award, I knew I would give anything in order to be present for it and then one day I received the call from one of Derek's very best friends, Kim, who worked at ESPN with him saying that they were going to cover my ticket. Once again, and time after time, the people (ALL of them) astonished me. So after the good news that I was a for sure for attending, the planning and excitement started to unfold. Unfortunately, the day before flying up there, I was Horribly sick! I could not hold my head up for nothing! I honestly was afraid that I wasn't going to make the flight up there and so was David. Dave was actually so worried, he called them about an hour before we needed to leave to head to the airport and told them that he didn't know what to do and that I was terribly sick. David was worried that if we flew up there, I was going to be sick the whole time, and I was worried that if I did go, I would feel better the next day and regret it. So with that being the thoughts in my head, I pushed through and made slept it through the flights. And low and behowe, the next day, I felt fine! I'm telling ya, a prayer was answered that day. While we were there, we got to see so many of Derek's friends and get to spend so much time with them. Each night that we were headed back to the hotel, I wasn't ready for the night to be over. I'm a sleeper dont get me wrong, but that weekend, I could have went on pure happiness and excitement! I love seeing all of Derek's friends and sharing so many memories and stories of him. If Trenton had of been with me, I swear i would have stayed forever! In the not so great speech that I gave, I told them about a time that Derek told me "OMG Kacie, the people are amazing up here..." I alway believed him, and as I would visit him and get to meet a few of these people at a time, I started to realize that he was so right. I actually started to realize what the true meaning of friends is. These people have actually made me long to have them and people like them in my life more. I had so much more during that speech that I wanted to say, but I ended up getting upset to the extreme i didnt even think I was going to be able to come to a point to where I could think of finishing it. Luckily, everyone understood! The whole experience was amazing! It's amazing that Derek impacted these people so much that they made this award in his honor. Amazing that they all came together like they did to have us there. Amazing in how they treated us and made us feel so welcome. David and I tell everyone that they literally treated us like we were celebrities! We got to meet so many people that knew Derek and thought so much of him along with some of the BIG dogs of ESPN (senior vice president of espn for example). It was just an overall amazing exerpience shared with amazing people that I will never forget!!

Sorry this blog has been so long.... been a long time since I've vented with my fingers and a keyboard! And maybe things really are looking up... I've noticed that I have used the word amazing in this blog probably more than any other word!! That has to be a good sign!

cracking like an iced branch

There really isnt a special or particular place to start with what has been going on with me lately.. actually, there really isnt anything that has been very exciting happen to even begin to write about, but here goes!

Life.. eh! It is what you make of it, I suppose? Things have been rough. Very rough. This month alone has been a very hard month on me. Derek's birthday was November 16th followed by my step dad's birthday November 22, then of course Thanksgiving. Derek's favorite holiday. As some people may think it is crazy for me to admit to this, I just couldnt find it in me to even eat the turkey or dressing this year. Derek loved Thanksgiving and it was always his favorite holiday simply because of the turkey and dressing. The thought of him not being excited for the turkey to get done and always reminding me that it naturally makes you sleepy therefore we would be able to get a good nap in afterwards and the thought of him not sitting beside me at the table enjoying it killed me. I just couldnt find it in myself to eat it knowing he was not here to do so with me. Whoever says it will get easier... you have no clue. God I miss him more than anything in this world. I still think about him. ALL the time. Im lucky to go 15 minutes without having him on my mind. This new life of mine, without my brother, sure is taking a toll on me. I just cant find the "new norm" in my life. I cant seem to balance it out knowing he is no longer a part of it. Crazy? Maybe.. possibly.. probably. I feel like every thing is wrapping around me and I cant catch my breath. Work, i hate it. As if hating a job isnt bad as is, try being severely depressed and hating it. There are days I literally can not make myself get up and go. Days I literally can not make myself get out of pajamas and even give a damn about life. I'm trying... lord am I trying but I just cant seem to get a grip on it. I cant seem to shake all of this off and get back to myself. Boy, do I miss the old Kacie. Fun, full of laughter, down to earth, spontaneous, all giggles. I'd give anything to find it all back in me again. One thing about it that is good I guess, I have become a pro at convincing the world and myself that I am okay with the biggest fake smile you've ever seen that I have come to master. Honestly, it's almost like living a double life. I go to work with my hair fixed, make up perfect, dressed nice and convince them that I am this full of life person that nothing seems to bother but on the inside, I feel like I'm crashing down and falling apart. I have to walk around and pretend that my life is just fine and dandy, knowing deep down that I'd give anything for that to be true and for me to believe it myself. Thinking today, I have came to the conclusion that I hold too much in. I've held too much in for far too long. Although I have expressed how much I miss my brother on a pretty regular basis, I have expressed what it is doing to my heart enough. I feel like I need a therapist. A cure. A miracle. Help. What do you do when you feel this way and can't fix it, yet you need your job in the absolute worst way possible? What do you do when people don't truly understand what you are feeling and going through when you need them to the most? What do you do when you continuously wake up from horrible nightmares and cant go back to sleep, causing you to be up all night and not be able to handle the work day ahead? What am I supposed to do?? There is no cure for this. No fix. Right now, it seems.. no hope. I feel as if I am letting everyone down. David and my mom especially. David has worked hard in order to provide for our family and now that it is my turn, I feel like I am letting him down on the days I just cant make myself go, or even get up for that matter. My mom... she has helped me so much and here I am feeling this way and doing her the same way. Not only am I feeling all of these emotions from my brother's death but now I have the added stress of our family dropping income to less than half of what it was, and me being the one depended on when I am the last person that can be depended on right now. Damn, I bet you are wondering if there is anything good at all in my life right now?? Well.... of course. Trenton Lane! who might I add just had a birthday and turned a whopping 9 years old!! Oh me! The mother of a 9 year old!!! yikes! ha! No, seriously.. he had a great birthday and was very blessed to have some special people show up at his party for him! :) He truly is a blessed little boy, even if his mother is going crazy day by day. One more good thing.. at least I never show it in front of Trenton! No matter what, Mommy has a smile on her face when it comes to Trenton! January 9th is marking a very special day also! that is the day that ESPN is going to be giving my brother's award out! :) I am so excited!! HOPEFULLY, i am going to be able to make it! I can not imagine not getting to go. upsets me to even think about it! I pray that David will be able to go with me! he sure is my backbone in life and for some reason I honestly feel like I will need him there.

unlike me, I dont have a fantastic ending with a great analogy to end this blog.. i've bitched, i've complained, i've whined, and i've frowned all i possibly can during this blog. One thing I do ask... keep me in your prayers. I need it right now! And pray that I can manage to keep my job through all of this! whew! I'm telling ya... it's too much on me right now! But, I have managed to still be standing so that might be a good sign! ;)