So after writing my other blog post a minute ago, I have done some thinking. I do not believe it was right for me to do that but while doing it, I was trying to make a point. A point in the matter that all of this time that this friend has wrote blogs about me and continued to write status updates about me but felt no wrong in it because she didn't say my name in it, I wanted her to see exactly how it felt. I did exactly what she did. I said what was on my mind, and what was going on but I didn't say any names. I know two wrongs do not make a right but I wanted her to realize how it makes me feel when she does this to me. And being I have talked and talked to her about her doing this and she has never seen where I was coming from, I felt as though maybe this would be the eye opener as to my main problem.
Do I really want her completely out of my life? No, I don't. But I dont understand as to what other option we have at this point. How can you keep talking and talking about the same things and nothing ever change about it and eventually not get exhausted of it and the thought of it? Someone please tell me how I am supposed to keep doing this? I dont know anybody else that would keep this going for years and years and not get tired of it. Most people would actually have already snapped over it and been very hurtful towards the person but I honestly do not want to hurt this girl. That is where I am having such a tug of war with my emotions. Sure I have things I think I would like to say, but I know that it will upset her and hurt her and I dont want to do that at all. Plus, I dont want to have to feel guilty knowing I intentionally hurt her because I have felt guilty over saying what I did to her that one and only time. Even if I am in the right about something and speak my mind, once I calm down, I always feel guilty over it afterwards. One thing about me, I have a tender heart. I may act as if things dont bother me and that I am tough, but things hurt my feelings super easy and I am harder on myself than anybody else could ever be to me. Maybe thats why when someone is being hard on me, it effects me so harshly? Because trust me, I am my own worst enemy. I know I am not perfect and I know what I could do in order to make myself better and to change things about myself, and dont need anybody else to remind me of these things that I constantly think about.
I have always had a problem with being slick at the mouth and have a tongue that will cut someone down pretty bad but as I have gotten older, I find it harder and harder for me to be that way. I believe that is a good thing though. I actually think about other people and their feelings before I think about myself and my feelings of what they have done to hurt me. It takes a hell of a lot to get me to speak up and blow my lid. And although when I do, I may be right and I may be in the wrong, those few seconds of feeling relieved and feeling as though an elephant has been lifted off of my chest, within 20 minutes i have so much remorse and guilt for saying and acting that way, it really isn't worth it to me. That is why I decided it was best just to walk away from this situation and let it be what it is. I dont want the bad side of me to come out and I dont want to be the cause of her bad side coming out. But that plan has backfired on me big time. By me saying that, it has just brought out an uglier side each and every time I get a new message. I just dont know what to do about it. I want to be what we used to be. I would love nothing more than to have what we used to have. But how much can you try and for how long can you try until you realize that it is not being allowed to happen? She admits that she didn't allow it to happen for a while, and after trying for so long, I am a quitter. I'm not going to deny the fact that I am easily pushed away and that after trying and not seeing progress at something, I give up. If I see no progress being made at whatever it is I am doing, I quit wasting my time on it.
I miss what we used to have. I used to feel so lucky to have a friend like her. One that I honestly thought would be there with me through thick and thin for the rest of my life. I know friends come and go but I never dreamed she would be one that would go. But when she told me that she felt like she could send me these messages and hash everything out, she thought it would be like always and that I would let it go and we would go back to what we were before, I felt as though she was taking advantage of me forgiving people. I felt as though if she knew I would have a problem with it and it would cause us to not be anything to each other, she would have thought twice about saying hurtful things to me and throwing things up at me that are irrelevant and none of her business. In other words, I felt like she was using my emotions to her advantage.
And since I am on a roll of spilling how I feel about things and what I think, Im just going to go on and put this out there. Maybe that in itself is a problem with her. I used to tell her every single thing going on in my life and look to her for guidance about certain situations, and since I no longer do that, maybe that bothers her. Maybe the fact that she really doesnt know anything about me and my life anymore bothers her. I can only assume this but it's just a thought. Maybe she misses actually knowing me and instead of just coming out and saying that she uses anger as her ammo in a battle. Instead of telling how she actually feels, she plays it off as though it pisses her off. But what do you do when she does get upset with you and uses everything you ever told her against you? It makes me not want to tell her much about myself or life anymore because when I tell her, it later gets thrown up at me and if you knew something would be held over your head at a later time, why would you even put yourself on the line like that? I have never said she has not been there for me when I needed someone, but when she gets mad she always, always, always brings up what she has been there for me through and what i havent been there for her about. Well, if someone is going to hold something over my head and use it against me later on in life, I'd rather not have you there at that moment. That is one thing I am not guilty of. I do not do anything and then use it against someone later on. If i do something for someone, I do it because I want to and regardless of how my feelings change towards a person, I still did it because I cared about them and because I wanted to and I dont feel like I deserve an award for it and feel as if that person owes me something in life for it.
I know what we had in the past, and so does she. Its obvious that for a long time all we have both wanted from each other was to have what we once had. But after so long of things being the way they are now, the past is slowly becoming what we have now and not what we once had. And in the past I have expressed that I miss hanging out, and I miss calling and doing things and I miss the way things used to be. And maybe it is my fault for feeling this way, but after so long and none of that happening and then me mentioning it and all of a sudden she is breaking her neck to call and hang out and stuff, I felt as though it was fake. Felt as if I hadn't brought it up that she wouldn't be doing it and I still wouldn't be on her mind. I wanted to talk and hang out because we wanted to. Not because she felt obligated to. Of course this is my opinion and feelings on this and I am not saying that is the way it was by no means on her part, but it just made me feel that way. Yes she calls, and no i hardly answer. But that is not just her. I am not a phone person. I used to be, and lord did I used to be but I hardly ever talk to anyone on the phone and hardly even have my phone at my side. A lot of the time, I am busy and have every intention of calling people back but as the day goes on, it doesnt really slow down and I just never get around to it. It doesnt mean I dont want to talk to them or that I am ignoring them. As I have gotten older, I have just came to the conclusion that people change, and our lifestyles change. And that is perfectly normal and not out of the ordinary.
But one thing I dont get about people is when they think that just because they are a certain way that everybody else has to be and should be that way too. Just because I would do this or that in a certain situation, does not mean that is what they would do and does not mean that is what would be best for them as their own person in the situation. But what really gets me, is when people don't see it that way. Im not saying I am right and everyone should think like me at all, but i am saying that everybody is different. Everybody has lived and been brought up differently and whether they realize it or not, it carries on with them as they get older. What is expected and normal for one person may be the total opposite for another. This is why I dont take it to heart and dont let my feelings get hurt when someone doesn't do what I think they should do or doesn't do what I think I would do. But it does upset me when someone can not see that point and still acts as if what they do is the right way and no other way is acceptable.
I told her that I was done and I was walking away from this friendship with no hard feelings. Obviously it is not as easy for me as I thought it would be. I dont want problems between us, and I dont not want her in my life at all. But I also dont want the friendship that we have had this past year. If i cant have the best of her, I dont want any of her. I dont like the ugly side of her and I know she has a much, much better side to her. I've seen it and she has proved it to me numerous times through the past years. And I guess that is where my delima is coming into play. I am not a materialistic person and have never felt as though I have to have the best of anything in order to be happy. But I do know that I only want the best of her and if I can't have that, I dont want any of it. I dont want to have her around and be continuously reminded that she has changed, and be reminded of what we once were, and then left with all of these thoughts and emotions running through my mind and heart wondering why I cant have her at her best like I used to be able to. So what do you do? Do you let go and move on and hope that one day things will be the same again? Stay friends with the same hope of things being the same again? Or remain friends and act as if nothing ever happened and just accept the fact that things will never be the same again? Or finally, remain friends, accept it for what it is right now and pray that it will get better and be what it once was and take that chance on getting it back one day hopefully?
Maybe all of these thoughts and feelings I am experiencing towards her right now are things I have held in for too long. Like i mentioned before, I know how she gets when she is upset therefore I have always tippy toed around eggshells to make sure I didn't cause her to get that way. And by tippy toeing on these eggshells, it forced me to let go of a lot of things that bothered me and forced me to act as if a lot of it never happened because I always felt that it wasnt worth bringing up something so little at the time and starting a fight over it when if I just held it in and let it go, I'd eventually get over it and by just pretending as though it never bothered me, we wouldn't have any problems from me bringing it up. So maybe a lot of this is those tiny little things I held in over the years that were once tiny but after letting them build up in me for years, literally, they have now turned into something big in my heart and mind.
I know I have went on and on about this, but that obviously shows that it really is bothering me and that walking away is not as easy on me as I thought it would be. I think I just proved to myself that I really dont want to just walk away and forget about her. But this has also proved to me that I can not handle the stress of this all of the time and expect this to be happening every month between us. I was laying in bed last night and I literally prayed about this. Prayed that she will find peace with whatever it is that keeps her holding onto all of this, and prayed for God to lead me in the right direction and to take the right path and make the right decision about all of this. I know he heard me, and I hope he realizes how urgent this prayer is to me and my emotions. One way or another, she and I are going to have to figure out the right medium we need in order to solve this for both of us. I know it is bothering her because after sitting here and thinking, were it not bothering her, she wouldnt have sent so many messages to me about it. Had she not cared,she would have never sent the messages and if I didnt care, I would have never responded. Even though I saw I was over it and done with it, if I didnt care i wouldnt have even sent a message to tell her that. I would have ignored each and every one of them.
So now that I have went on and on about this, I am going to try and give my brain a break from it. For 2 days now, I have read and reread the messages between us and been so confused, hurt, and irritated with it all that I have let it take over my thinking and emotions. By me letting it get the best of me, when the time comes, I will not be able to be my best to her when and if we actually get to talk about it to each other. So for your sanity, my sanity, and the hopes of resolving this matter, I will do you a favor and stop with the personal problems!!
:)
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