These past 2 days have been amazing for me! I have enjoyed this weather so much!! So much, I have managed to stay up beat and get my house cleaned, and be in the best mood! I actually enjoyed cleaning! Now, that is an accomplishment within its own! :)
This whole week has actually been good for me. I have dealt with missing Derek better this past week than I think I have thus far. Forever, I have wanted to feel and know he is still with me and I honestly think he has shown me that he is still there this week. When I was down and frustrated and needed a good feeling to overcome me more than anything, he gave it to me. He gave me the energy and strength to dig down deep and find it in me just as he always did when something was wrong. This whole time, he has been at my side but I was too upset that I couldn't actually "see" him at my side, that I made myself ignore the fact that he really is there. Plus, just as he always did, he has to step back and let me live life and experience it in my own ways or else it just wouldn't be my life, now would it? If there has ever been anyone in my life that has gotten me to dig down and find the strength within myself that I never knew existed at times, and if there has ever been a person to tell me to pick a fight and win it, it was Derek. Or should I say, it is Derek - he still does this.
Yesterday with Trenton Lane was amazing! He woke up in the best mood and after picking him up at school, he was still in the best mood ever! He was the sweetest little guy in the world! Not only did he manage to get a positive office referral at school, but he managed to get 2, not 1, but TWO caught being good tickets, a 105 % on his spelling test, and had the winning answer to win the knowledge game between the boys and girls! :) Talk about a good day!! And the best part, is that his good day didn't just stop right there. It continued when he got home. We played and played, and he rode his dirt bike, and we both were in a trance of being as carefree as possible. Yesterday was actually so good, I hated for it to end and it actually hurt my feelings it had to end as early as it did in order for him to have to get in the bed for school today. I truly have never in my life met a child like him, and I don't think I ever will. He is so smart, witty, imaginative, funny, and charasmatic! He is so understanding and loving of the things around him including the things he doesn't quite understand. Things I to this day will never understand. Last night when doing homework, he had to fill out a thinking web in order to help him write a personal narrative at school. In the middle of the web was his name, and from there is had sections with emotions listed. His job was to write something these emotions reminded him of. Here are a few examples of the things he wrote!....
1. Sad- "when Papa and D died"
2. Scared - "when i went to a haunted house"
3. Excited - "when I went on vacation"
4. Proud - "when I started riding my dirt bike super fast"
5. Tickled- "while watching Dinotopia and seeing (some character I dont know the name of) scream at the absolute top of his lungs
And the list goes on to about 10 or 12 different things, but the one that stuck out to me more than anything is the one that asked him about something that makes him happy. His answer "Every day of my life when I am with my mommy" :) Tell me now, how in the world is that not supposed to make me the proudest mommy in the world? Knowing that he wrote that with his little hands without anything influencing him on any suggestion towards it, absolutely made my day! Hell, it made my heart!! Just knowing that he enjoys his time with me just as much as I enjoy every minute with him means the world to me! I wouldn't trade this time and these moments with him for anything in this world! Not only did this melt my heart, but this let me know that I am in the right place, at the right time. All of this time that I have been accused of secluding myself and ignoring people, when I really havent, I have just been more focused on my home life than ever these past 3 years, let me know that it has never been the more right decision in my life. Deciding to put the past to the past, and looking towards what was to come, and looking towards focusing my time on one thing in particular and not forcing it to be shared with a ton of other things in my life, my home, is the best thing I could ever do. I used to be the type of person that enjoyed getting out all of the time, and enjoyed visiting people. I was always looking for something new to try out and for something to add a little excitement in my life. And sure there was nothing wrong with that being Trenton went to his dad's every other weekend, and a day or two every other week, but after a custody battle over Trenton and after me thinking I was doing the right thing for almost 2 years by letting Trenton visit his grandparents, and his dad anytime they asked. If they asked, regardless of whether or not I wanted him to go, and regardless of whether or not I had plans with him, I never told them no. I wanted him to have the chance to be close to his family and to experience having grandparents around in order to be close to unlike I had growing up because one lived hundreds of miles away, and the others passed away while I was super young. But after this backfired in my face and I was accused of just letting him go anywhere and everywhere, and it literally scaring Trenton to death that he was no longer going to get to see me because of certain people threatening him with those words, my thoughts and feelings on what fun was in life changed. Since then, I have hardly done a lot of anything. Sure when he is at his dad's, I sometimes I get out with people but for the most part, when he is gone, my weekends consist of me sitting at home wishing Trenton was there with me. For a long time I held a lot of resentment and hatred towards the people that caused this scare in mine and Trenton's life, but in the past year I have really been able to step back and put things into perspective. How can I be mad and hold a grudge towards the ignorance of another human being when in the end, they just made my life work out better in my favor? I mean, how can I be upset being it brought Trenton and I that much closer. We were already close, but after that we were hundreds time closer and have remained to get closer ever since. Scaring us both into thinking we were no longer going to have each other, made us both appreciate our time together. I know had all of that not happened, Trenton and I would not have the extra special bond that we have now. And I know now that I have focused my time and energy on just the right place and person after reading what he had to say about what made him happy.
The past 2 days I have just had an overwhelming feeling of love in my heart for the things and people that I appreciate most. I don't think I have felt this thankful in a very long time, and I am going to make sure I continue to count my blessings every day! My blessings, the people and things that I love and care for most. Friends, family, and my life in general. I'm actually so very thankful right now that I have never been one to be conceited or stuck on myself and my life. Had I been, I would not continue to look for things to better it and myself, and if you no longer continue to look for these things, then you come to a stand still that will eventually spiral out of control and lead you to wondering who you really are to begin with. Something no person should ever have to face, or even think but something so many do.
But, while this weather is beautiful, and the day is still strong, I am going to do some fall decorating to go with my fall cleaning. I love the feeling of the crisp air and beautiful colors. And like I have the past 2 days of my life especially, I am going to go be the best that I can be for myself and the people around me!! This feeling is too good to pass up!!
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