My 15 mins of Pave(ment) -)

I'm not even going to begin this blog by trying to sugar coat anything.... I have came to the conclusion that I have some serious depression going on. There have been times in my life in the past that I thought I was depressed but I don't think I was actually depressed. More like just hit a few bumps in the road that I didn't like the feel of. Now, I feel like I have been in a car wreck and totaled this car myself out. I really think the death of my brother has put me in a spot that I have never been in before. A place that I just cant seem to get a good grip on in order to climb my way out and to the top. Some days, I feel like I am okay. Most days, I know I am not. This week for some reason, I just have been awful. The only time I have done a single thing or even left the house this week was to take Trenton swimming Tuesday. Which might I add, was a very good day for me. I love mine and Trenton's "dates" as he refers to them. And not only did I have the best time swimming with Trenton, I enjoyed the company I had around me too. I met up with my friend Tabatha and her two kiddos which was extra nice since we haven't been swimming together in such a long time! And I also had the privilege of swimming and talking to a friend from high school that I haven't seen or hung out with in years! Both of these girls did more for me that day then I believe they could ever imagine. Just being out of the house and having someone to talk to and laugh with was exactly what I needed. Yes, if it were just Trenton and me, I would have had a good time like I always do with Trenton but it was nice to have some social interaction for the first time in a while. Well, let me take that back. I got entirely way too much social interaction when I went to spend the night with another good friend of mine, Jen, the night of the NKOTB concert! haha

1. Instead of sitting here day in and day out thinking, thinking, and thinking about Derek.... I can use my jog time as a time devoted to my main thoughts of him. Kind of like if I sit here and start getting overwhelmed and consumed in my mind, i am going to get up and go jogging. For now, there is no way I can run the length of time my mind is thinking of him, but if I keep it up, I know my stamina will build up too. But back to the point ( told you my mind just goes in circles and races all day long, as you can tell by me getting sidetracked even in a blog that I can even read and reread and backspace on) So anyways- my main point behind this is, maybe if I set aside this certain time for my thinking of him, I can go jog, think of Derek, get these thoughts and frustrations out of me with each pound of my soul on the pavement, come back in and move on to the next task. In other words, by having this certain time and routine devoted to him, maybe I wont consume my entire day with it every single day of my life like I have been doing.

2.  I will get back into shape!! I may be skinny but I am far from being toned!! I don't think I have really had any physical activities (other than shopping and cleaning) since my high school days of being in color guard. And to think I complained about my body then!! I'd give anything to be as toned and muscular as I was then!

3. I might actually be able to feel like I have accomplished something in my days. Just doing a little jogging in the day will at least let me have the feeling that I have accomplished something for the day. If I go a certain distance one day, I can try and beat that the next and so on.

4. Exercising releases endorphins that actually give you energy and endorphins that actually help fight depression. 2 main things that I seriously, most obviously need in my life right now. I have always been a very wound up person in life until this year and I desperately want to get back to being that way. Amazing that it kills me to just sit here, yet I don't want to do anything other than just sit here isn't it? Makes for a good unsolved mysteries case!!

So with all of that being said, and I am sure there are more reasons behind this subconsciously than I am even recognizing right now, this indeed is my new plan in life. And one that I have officially started as of today. It was almost amazing amusing to me today. I had this thought, idea, plan, joke, or whatever you want to call it and within 2 minutes I found myself in the bedroom pulling my hair back, grabbing a watch, tying my tennis shoes, and grabbing my favorite sunglasses and heading out the door. To be honest, the minute I walked outside from my nicely air conditioned house into the smothering heat, I had a moment of hesitation. That is, until I thought about David being at work with pants and long sleeves, no AC and having to work INSIDE of trailers (imagine the heat outside, and then imagine opening the doors of a trailer that has been sitting in the relentless heat and having to work inside of it. I know, it makes my brain want to short out at the thought of it!) and while thinking of him being at work, I started to stretch and try to get these useless limbs of mine back into action. After thinking about him and how much I know he must hate being out in it, and thinking about how he manages to do hard manual labor in the heat for 10 hours, I thought to myself "If he can be out here for 10 hours, I can do this for at least 15 mins".... and with that thought, I took off. When you pull onto our street, it is nothing but uphill all the way. The only flat part of our street is up at the dead end where there is a circle. And being we have a pretty long driveway, at first I decided I would run to the end of the driveway and up and around the circle and back down, and back up the driveway. Amazingly enough, as I made it back down to the driveway, I decided to run to the bottom of the hill (bottom of the street where you pull in) and in my mind I knew I wouldn't make it back up the hill so I thought that even if I had to walk my way back up, at least I did SOMETHING having to do with this plan of mine. But I tell ya, I don't know if I actually had some motivation, determination, or just luck, I actually was able to run back up the hill and back up the driveway. I know this is nothing huge, but being I haven't ran for years (yes, I have always been the type that I only run when I am being chased! haha!) I was actually so proud of myself. I was able to run for 15 minutes straight before getting so out of breath I couldn't stand it anymore. And, I was actually very proud of myself once I made it back to the door. For the first time in months, I put my mind to something and I accomplished it. It might have not been anything huge or overly exciting to some, but this was such a big deal to me today! I'm not sure if it's true about the endorphins, or the fact I actually got up and moved instead of moving like a two toed sloth like normally, or if I was just delirious from lack of oxygen from breathing so hard, but I actually felt a lot better after my mini jog. Of course, it could have been just the placebo effect of it, and if that is the case, so be it. I fell for it, and I will continue to fall for it. Tomorrow, my goal is to run the length I did today, and try to make it up to the circle and back to the driveway one more time. I have to watch myself.. I tend to think I can do something the very first try and if I don't succeed, I tend to say to hell with it. So, when I say I have to watch myself, I mean that I have to keep in mind that this is going to be a work in progress. Not something I am going to be able to accomplish all in one day. But, in all honesty, I feel like I actually have something to work towards and to look forward to. Something to prove I can do... even if I am only proving it to myself. And who knows, if I am able to keep this up, one day I will be able to run the entire length of my thinking of Derek and not have to cut him short. But for now, in order to keep my sanity, I am going to have to limit my "major" thinking of him to the length of my running. OK, you got me. I obviously cant just stop thinking of him when I quit running my everlasting 15 mins right now, but for now, it will allow me to stomp some of it out and move on to the next task with him on my mind instead of limiting myself to sitting on the couch thinking of him for hours and hours only seeming like minutes. Not so sure if this will make any sense or not, but I have this huge fear in me that he will be forgotten. That I will forget something about him... and in my mind, as I think of him, it is my way of never forgetting a single thing about him.

Now, with all of this rambling out of the way, I have really good news! David is officially enrolled to start school! I am so proud of him!! So many times in life people feel as if they are too old to go back to school and feel as if it is too late to even think about doing it. He has mentioned that he wished he had went to school in the past few years, but he has taken that wish and turned it into a reality. Plus, with him working 10 hours a day as it is, and sometimes 14 hours a day, I know it is something he wants to do and not something he feels like he has to do. He will be working 10 hours and then going to school from 4-8 every evening. Exhaustion is probably going to be an understatement for what he will be, but I know that he will be able to do it and will do it at his best. He truly is a very smart person. Very alert, very absorbing. He can hear something once and will know it the rest of his life so I have no doubt that he wont do good in school. And although some people say they go to school to make a better life for themselves, all he has said is that he wants to go in order to make a better living and life for us as a family. I don't know what it is about him but no matter who, what, or when, he always thinks of me before himself. It's always what Kacie wants, not what David wants. Def a good feeling considering every other man I have ever dated always put everyone and himself before me. Always! But, I am so thankful that I am not the type of person that takes advantage of him being that way. I actually had never thought of it being "whatever Kacie wants" until he said it to me one day. I can't remember what was going on that actually brought it up that day but I do remember his words... "Kacie, have I ever told you no? No, I haven't because whatever you want to do, or whatever you want, you can have. I am 42 years old. I have lived my life.. you're young. You haven't had it all, even though I did and lost it in a divorce, but just because I have done it or had it does not mean you shouldn't have the opportunity to have it or do it." I am so fortunate to have David in my life. Not just because of this scenario, but for so many reasons. He has truly became the backbone in my life. Not only is he understanding about things, but he is sincere about being there for me and being the best he can be as a person for me. He's so unselfish when it comes to our family. Grateful for him, I am.

I bet by now, you are wondering when my mind and fingers are going to end this, right? Wonder no longer, fore I am going to let your eyes take a break and rest a while. I know this is a crazy, rambling blog but as I mentioned earlier, this has been a rough week on my mind. Thankfully, getting all of this out just now has already made me feel like at least one of the elephants on my shoulders decided to jump off. In other words, I feel a "ton" better!! No pun intended! haha! =) Indeed, with this new plan, I feel another blog coming along tomorrow in order for me to brag about jogging 17 mins instead of the 15 mins I lasted today! I have a plan for the first time in months, and by god, I am going to stick to it. Bet ya!! you just wait and see!!

Journalism in the big city of cheating

If you know me, and know me well, Hell even if you don't know me but have me as a friend on facebook, then you know that I do entirely too much thinking these days. Don't get me wrong, an active mind an be a very, very good thing but an obsessive mind can drive you crazy. And with that being said, you probably already know what I am about to say! =) I've been thinking.......

I've been doing some thinking and I believe it is time to do something with my life. Yes, I am in school and am over halfway done and have every intention of finishing but when I think about what it is that I am going to be doing after school is over, I don't picture myself being anywhere around Glasgow. Well, let me rephrase that! I don't want to be anywhere around Glasgow!! I am so ready to just move from this town that I never once had dreams of staying in or near a day in my life to begin with. Cosmetology is not the best thing to do in a town that has a school for it and a million hair dressers and shops in. I think this town has more cosmetologists than anything! Especially with as small of a town as it is, this place has nothing to better my future when it comes to cosmetology. Yes, I miss doing hair in a shop like crazy and have every intention of getting back in one when school is over. If I love it then why am I back in school you ask? Well, let me explain! Since day one I have had intentions, plans, and dreams of opening my own salon. And as the years have gone by, I have watched so many independent business owners open their doors and close them within a matter of a few months to a year. Some of that could be caused from trying to open something in a town that has no future being nobody in this town believes in spending money. Hey! You get what you pay for!! i used to not believe that but trust me, I am a full believer now! And along with the problem of nobody wanting to spend money, you have the problem of people opening these places up without knowing how to run and manage a business so I figured if I knew how to run a shop then at least when I go bankrupt it wouldn't be because I didn't know what I was doing. =) But regardless of how well I can run a business, if nobody wants to spend money then it is never going to turn into what my dreams picture it being. So in school I am, to get my business degree!

Even though these have been my hopes and dreams for as long as I can remember, in the past year or so, I have pictured it happening but just not in Glasgow. You wouldn't be able to look at me right now and believe it but my whole life I have had this ambition in me to prove to the world that I am not going to just be a nobody. Somewhere in the world people are going to know who I am. Not just who I am, but what I have made happen for myself and what I have become. Sounds cliche', I know but I am dead serious. And with the way this town is, I am sure this paragraph alone is getting some applause good laughs in right now. I have never in my life seen a town so stuck up yet so negative at the same time. The only reason people are known in this town is because their families never left. It's not because they have really done anything big with their lives or accomplished something major. Seriously! Think about it! Which, lord forbid if something good is happening to someone! Everybody is so miserable in this town they cant stand to see another individual succeed or be happy. I hate small town living. Small town thoughts. Small town attitudes. I want to be where everybody doesn't know everybody. Where some privacy in your life does exist because there are too many people to just focus on anybody other than yourself. Also, in the big cities, you have so many more opportunities! Heck, even working as a server you would make triple what you ever would here!! I have every intention and hope in the world of owning and running a successful salon one day, but I do indeed love to write and while I have been doing all of this thinking, I have actually considered journalism. I would absolutely LOVE to work for a famous magazine writing columns and articles for it! That would be soooo up my ally! =) Who knows? Maybe once I get away and open a salon, I can go back to school for journalism and then have the chance to live up everything I have ever dreamed of doing? You never know!! It could happen! Anything you put your mind to can happen! And who knows! Maybe I could have my own book one day! =)

I know that some may think I am crazy for thinking this way or that I am being conceited in some weird warped way but I also know that the people that usually think like that when reading or hearing someone say these things are the people that are jealous,envious,spiteful,etc..... you know who I am talking about! Everybody knows someone like I just described! Everybody does!! I have a few that come to mind! More than I like to claim I know actually.... I don't get why people just cant be happy for someone else around here. When i find out something good happening to someone I know, or hear about what they want to do in life, I actually get excited for them. Why in the world would anybody want to see another person fail? Even worse, why would anybody wish to see them fail? That is something I will never in my life understand. The same as I don't get the whole jealousy thing some people have. Why in the world would you be jealous of somebody else? Being jealous does nothing for you. It's not going to change your looks, or your life. The only thing that can change anything in your life is yourself and yourself only. And if these people would spend as much time and energy trying to change their life as they do focusing on someone else's and criticizing, they would turn out to be something huge in this world. Unfortunately, they have bad energy and that's the type of energy that keeps them running in place instead of up the hill.... Heck, maybe I should just be a psychiatrist with the way I study and analyze everything!! haha! The human mind can be a very fascinating thing to learn about! Sometimes, I cant help but giggle when someone thinks they have the world fooled yet you see right through them and can tell them more about their actions and why they do the things they do, than they could explain about themselves.

Oh my, I am watching Steve Wilkos while creating this blog and I swear, this man on here has really got my mind going! lol Okay, he admits that he has cheated on his wife 3 times. When Steve asked him why he cheated on her, he response was "my wife only sleeps with me 6 times a year and I needed another woman to give me the attention my wife wasn't giving me." Yes, I am certain that some of you may think he is scum for cheating on her, and although I don't believe in cheating because why be with someone if you're just going to cheat on them all the time? I mean, aren't you with someone because you love them? Supposedly! And If you love this person then why would you intentionally want to hurt them the way cheating does? It just makes no sense to me. BUT back to where I am going with this!.... I actually see why he did cheat on her... I totally get his story. BUT what in the world made this man think that cheating on her would get her to sleep with him more? Surely he knew she was going to cut him off for sure after she found out!!! And surely she couldn't have been too shocked when she found out he cheated again! I mean think about it.... he cheats because she isn't sleeping with him enough, she finds out, cuts him off. So what did she think he was going to do once she cut him off completely if he already wasn't satisfied with only 6 times a year? Lets see... he cheated on me because he wasn't getting it enough, so now that I've cut him off, I'm sure he will stay at home. Yeah right!! She should have seen it coming! It couldn't have smacked her in the face any harder than if she had told him he could and he did! lol

Now that I have gotten off topic and lost my train of thought, I suppose I could do the honor of ending this one....=) Plus, better save your eyes, I feel a new one sooner than you think!

what if's and what has

I might become a rambler in about 17.4 seconds so beware!


Yes, I realize life has changed and I am only getting older each year when it is a Saturday night, Trenton is at his dads, and I am sitting on the couch watching TV instead of being out and about socializing like I used to do..... And while watching TV, I couldn't pass up the chance to watch the Natalie Holloway story. I remember keeping up with the news about this girl when it all first happened and somehow am just now getting around to watching the movie about her. So far, its a really good one but as I have been sitting here and watching this, so many things have ran through my mind. I think about all the times me and my girlfriends were out having a good time, and having a few drinks while dancing the night away. There was always some guy that just fell into the trap of long eyelashes blinking slowly at him across the room with a plan of getting free drinks for the night. :) They fell for it. Every. Time. But is a free drink really worth what the outcome could be? For all we could have known, any one of those guys could have been a serial murderer or rapist. A soul with no soul. A body formation only. Waiting. Waiting for that right girl to blink that long extended blink at them just that one time to let them know she noticed them. And although we always thought it was harmless fun and we all knew we weren't going to leave with them, that doesn't mean we were clear of bad luck. Those guys could have waited for us to go to the car, followed us home, anything. Just name it. You just never know. I actually was always so paranoid of men that when I met David, I actually refused to go on a date with him alone for the first time. He is from Atlanta, so in my mind all I could think was that I didn't know him and had nobody to ask about him. He could have been anyone or anything if I must say it like that. So our first date was in fact a double date to Nashville! :) haha!! Luckily, I was proved wrong about my assumptions of what he may or may not have been! Way, way, way wrong!! And luckily, I can say he turned out to be so much more than I ever dreamed of him being! =)

Oh my gosh!! I can't believe I almost forgot!! The New Kids on the Block concert!! Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!!! It was absolutely the best concert I have ever been to in my life! Hands down! The best! I had the best time!! It was so fun to act like I was 6yrs old all over again!! Yes, I still remember every word, and every single dance move!! haha! I was always a Joey fan and let me tell ya, when he came out and opened his mouth right off the bat, I nearly had a mini stroke on the spot! I was recording the first little bit and it is hilarious to watch because you see all of them standing there and everyone screaming for them, and then when Joey steps up and starts singing the camera goes down and you can hear me going crazy! =) Plus, as if the concert wasn't the greatest, I also got to enjoy the experience with one of my best friends, Jen! A good treat for us both since she lives in Indiana and I don't get to see her often enough at all! And of course when the cat is away, the mice will play! LOL!! So she and I went to 4th street live and hung out at Sully's for the remainder of the night where apparently every other girl that was leaving the concert went because it was nothing but a tit fest up in there!! But, there is one good thing about that.... They knew we were new kids fans so they kept the new kids music going for us! haha!! And apparently, I enjoyed it all too well because on the way home I was trying to text Jen's bf Jay, and it was supposed to say "we're on our way" but it was "qrpm; 0hf" or something of that sort! haha! I laughed and laughed when I saw that!! And I moaned and moaned the next day because I sure haven't felt that bad I don't think since my Bachelorette party!! Now, that night was a drunken adventure! So drunken that I couldn't even get a single drink down me at the wedding the following weekend! I was still recuperating from the bach party a week later! Hey, what can I say? I'm not a big drinker and I hardly ever, ever, ever drink...so yeah, you know where I am going with this one! =) Long story short... best night ever in a long time!! Which, I would have given anything if I could have called my brother. =( When I was excited, he would get excited. Now, now, don't get me wrong, He def would have had a couple little quirks to throw at me being it was the new kids but it would all be love and fun and games like always between us. I remember when I very first started this blog, after a few I made a bucket list in the making on one of the blogs and Derek read it and took it as serious as I do.... new years came, I didn't have the money to get a new dress and was just going to make something work and actually had told Derek I had to figure something out... what's he do? He calls me on the eve of new years eve and tells me to go to walmart. He had sent me $150 to buy a new sparkly dress, and after getting all giggly and excited and thanking him, before hanging up, he said "Hey sis, wait!" after saying "yeah?" and pausing for a reply, he said, "Be sure to mark wearing a sparkly dress to a big party off your bucket list" I don't think I will ever part with that dress. No matter how old, or how many times I move, I will always keep it hanging in my closet. I never dreamed that would be one of the last things my brother ever got me.... and I know he didn't dream it either.... But on my bucket list was also to go see NKOTB. He would be excited to know within 7 months, 2 things have already been marked off my list.

Speaking of Derek... I have to get my emotions in check and get his art show in the works. He and I used to talk about how bad it sucked for artists. They never became famous until after they were dead. Nobody cherished their work and gave them the credit for it while living but their art became everything once they were gone. I stood at Derek's casket and promised him I was going to take his art and make him famous. So far, I haven't had the strength to even go through them and work on it. But, I'm feeling that sooner than later, way sooner than later, I am going to get it up and going. I think I have came to the conclusion that if I keep waiting until my emotions aren't as strong about him not being here, then it will never get done so I just need to keep in mind the promise I made him, and show him that I meant it. So when I am able to get the details, I will be sure to let everyone know. And once I do, if you can tell someone you know and tell them to tell someone they know, maybe his dream of being a famous artist and my promise to him that he will be, will come true. Gosh how I pray it happens for him! So if any of you know by chance what I need to do in order to help this happen, please, please, please let me know!!

And finally, one last thing to tell ya and I will hush hush! =) Last night, Trenton informed me out of the blue that last year in school while on the playground the boys in his class voted me as the "hottest mom of the classroom" haha! At least someone thinks I'm hot! lol No seriously though, when he was telling me this, I didn't know whether to laugh or sit there in shock!! I asked him what he thought about it and he said "Oh mommy, I already know you're pretty! but I don't like the boys saying you are!" so sweet the way he said that to me! And I couldn't help but wonder what it will turn out to be like when he is a teenager. I could just hear some teenage boys saying "Hey! Lets go to Trent's house! His mom is freaking hottttt!" haha Just kidding!!!

FINALLY- seriously, I am done! Its amazing how I really don't know what intent I have behind these blogs when I log in and start one but I somehow manage to keep going and going. I guess when you are a talkative person, you tend to talk a lot typing also. =) Happy Saturday!

short n not so sweet

What a past few days!! They have been exhausting! And not necessarily physically exhausted, but mentally. A rough week is an understatement as to what I have. Not really sure what the problem has been other than just being severly depressed and of course when you're depressed, it seems as if everything in your life is going wrong when oddly, it really is no different than the week before. Well, scratch that. It is different in the fact that you do not have the mind set to brush everything off as you normally do. What do I mean about this? My brother. I think about him every single day of my life and yes, some days I am able to still function and be my normal self (somewhat) yet days like this week, I just can't shake it. I have done nothing but think about him and sit couped up in the house. I've actually been so down, I have temporarily deactivated Facebook in an attempt to try and motivate myself to get out of the house some. No, I dont put my life on hold to sit at the house and facebook all of the time, but when you are already as depressed as I am right now and you already just sit on the couch most of your day and have no desire to really do anything else, facebook does allow you to stay even more occupied and before you know it, you've been sitting there even longer on the couch. AHH! My brain. Geeze! It's like it has a million things to scream out to the world, but nothing to say. You know me, it's not like me to just leave ya hanging with a blog so short, so yes, I am sure of it, There will be more later!

tell of a tale

Lazy day in the Roger's household today! Not that I am complaining by no means.....:) But I have to say that if I am just going to be sitting here being lazy, I do wish a few good thunderstorms would roll on in and give me a reason to be lazy. What reason does a thunderstorm have for you to be lazy? Well, everyone freaks out during a storm and just sits on the couch waiting for the moment to jump up and run, but until that moment, you are glued to the couch watching the news. Secondly, no woman is capable of going out in the rain and it not messing her hair up, therefore that is a perfect reason to be sitting on the couch all day. I mean who wants to spend all that time primping and pramping, straightening, brushing, or even curling their hair all for it to just go to waste the minute you walk out the door? Exactly. Nobody! And being nobody wishes to experience this crisis in their life, sitting on the couch just sounds better with each and every roll of thunder you hear. But wait. What excuse do you have if it technically isn't storming at the moment of your laziness? You refer back to the storm you had this morning. Insist that the humidity alone will kill your hair do. Or do like me and insist that it "looks like rain outside" and keep saying this over and over. Eventually your significant other will pick up on what this "looks like outside" term truly means on a Sunday that you plan on not budging. And wait! Trying to figure out a reason to just not go anywhere or do anything for the day is one thing but finding a reason to just absolutely not get dressed and sit in pajamas is another plan that has to be mastered. Ever heard an older person warn you not to take a shower during a storm? Well, think about that and refer back to scenerio one and your hair. If it "looks like rain" then you have every right to sit there lounging away, post poning the shower to be all day long. Nobody said how soon the "looks like rain" will move in and happen so what better excuse to just sit and watch tv? I'm sure anybodys partner would want to rush them into a shower and something tragic to happen such as a lightening bolt striking through the water pipe... while you are in the line of fire. ;) And well, if the rain just never moves in, at all through out the day, well... gee, you got to sit on the couch in your pajamas all day! ha! ;) Gotta love those old granny tales!! Lord knows, my grandmother was notorious for this "no showering while it looks like rain" along with every other superstition you can imagine. I can remember staying at my grandma's in Breckinridge county during the summer months during no school and her being terrified of everything. For instance, once I was out back behind the house climbing the huge weeping willow tree in her yard and she came running out with a dish towel in her hand that seemed as if it had became more of an embellishment or accessory to her every day clothing than the pins in her hair screaming "Get out of that tree and stay out of it! If you see a green snake while up there it will laugh you to death!" Sitting there thinking about what she had just said, I naturally started looking around to see if it was true that the tree had green snakes in it. Luckily, no green snakes. But unfortunately for my granny, I did jump out and came running to the house asking a million questions about the allegation she had just told me. "what do you mean it will laugh me to death? Why would it do that? Are they that funny? Would I just be holding my stomach rolling around from laughing so hard until I die?" Needless to say, she hushed me and never answered me. I now know why. Green snakes will not laugh you to death.

And who could forget the time that the sun was setting and the sky as beet red. What most would consider to be a beautiful sunset, my granny considered it the end of the world. Thinking that the sky was on fire, she grabbed me and my cousin and put us in the car to head to my great aunts house. Luckily, my great aunt had enough sense left at the time to calm granny down and let us go back to living life without the fear of catching on fire.

Earthquakes. Although I don't believe I have ever truly been in an earthquake that I acknowledged at the time (obvious it was not a severe one.. just a tremor that you hear we had but never knew it at the moment) I can say that I lived in fear of one happening one day and night. Somewhere, somehow my granny heard about the big quake that was building up and on its way that was also past due (the one they still say we will have one day and the one that they say is still past due) and forced me and my cousin to live underneath the dining room table for a full day and night. Thinking back on this adventure, its comical that my granny was so scared and paranoid of this earthquake to the point of making us camp out under a table, yet her preparing was far from what it should be. You would think we would have at least had some bottled water. Nope. Fruit roll ups, cans of soda, and beanie wienies in a can along with some cucumbers and tomatoes. Not much of a survival kit huh? :) Which, I do have to say that this "earthquake survival camp" was by far a fun adventure. Luckily, always being petite, and being the youngest in the camp, I was one of 2 that did not have a crick in my neck from being too tall and having to turn my head to the side to sit under the table. Like every other girl, my Barbie's had been married, had babies, cooked thanksgiving dinner, put the star on the top of their Christmas tree and been in car crashes in their red Ferrari but never had they lived through an earthquake until my imagination took a toll on their "normal lives" while in the earthquake camp. And having a grandmother that forced us to camp under this table, I'm sure you can only imagine what the race was like to run to the bathroom and back. That itself turned into a game within it's own. A game between my cousin and I on who could get down the hall, use the bathroom, flush, wash hands, and make it back under the table in the least time possible.

Being my grandmother never knew how to swim, her children never knew how to swim. And being nobody could swim, the phrase "don't go near the water you'll drown" was used far too often. Didn't matter what we were doing, if it involved a liquid of any kind, you would drown. Sitting at the table as a youngster, and gargling my drink in the back of my throat was a no-no. Why? Well, you would drown. Eating too big of a spoonful of soup would also cause me to drown. Ever heard the saying "it only takes a teaspoon of water to drown?" At granny's, I heard it every single day and we lived by that.

I could literally go on and on with these tales of the happenings and sayings that's we had to live by at my granny's house, but for the sake of mankind, I will stop here. :) But before closing this, I do have to say that luckily I have been fortunate enough to realize that these sayings were just that. Sayings. Thankfully, the saying "you can only hear something so much until you start to believe it" and the saying "a kid only knows what they see and hear" are just that to me also. Sayings. Thankfully, I grew up to realize that my grandmother had just never been taught any different (or possibly refused to believe any different being we all know how old people are just set in their ways) and that these ways of life at her house were not really the ways of life. While I am thankful for growing up and realizing this, I can honestly say that I do miss these ways of life with my grandmother. And thinking about these memories at my grandmother's house, so many memories of me and my brother being there together and the things we used to do to her as jokes come to mind. Heck, the things we used to do to everyone as jokes for that matter! Maybe one day, when I have enough good spirit in me to be able to tell you all about them without being horribly depressed for a week after, I will. But until then, as Nancy Grace signs off  "Goodnight Friend". ha ha! :)

Only Trenton.....

Although I really don't have time to sit down and blog right now, I absolutely have to tell the world about Trenton's little adventure through out the night and early this morning!!

So, last night as I was putting Trenton to bed, I was explaining to him that when I tell him to clean his room today, I need him to do it without fussing and without me helping him because I have so much to get done today before heading out on vacation early tomorrow morning. And while in the mix of explaining this to him, I was explaining to him that when I tell him to get up in the morning (today) he really needs to get up and not be too sluggish on me because we had to be at the rental car place at 9 am in order to rent a car to drive on vacation.Cavaliers may be the best darn thing since sliced bread when it comes to gas mileage on road trips, but unfortunately, they don't exactly have the most leg room or trunk room for road trips. So a rental car was a must have this time around for a trip!! While telling him about the rental car, he started asking me "why can we not be late? do they only have one car?" knowing I shouldn't, I said "yep they just have one so whoever gets there first is the one that gets it!" Even though I lied, I wanted to make sure he knew how important it was for us to get there on time.. After telling him all of these important things we have to do today, he agreed that he would be good and do what he was told and after a kiss goodnight, and a good tucking in, I went to bed myself.

At 4 am, I was woke up by Trenton coming into my bedroom saying "maaaama, you're going to be so proud of me! I cleaned my room spotless all by myself!!" After realizing it is 4 am, I asked him what he was doing awake and he said " I just stayed up all night so I wouldn't make you late to go get the car in the morning!!" Without hesitating, I got onto him for staying up all night and told him to go get in the bed right then. He has pulled this staying up all night shenanigan a few times before and it always makes me feel so freaking bad. It worries me. Just knowing he was up all night without anybody up with him makes me feel bad.. and knowing he goes in the kitchen and gets a snack and stuff tears me up too because I can't help but think what if he went to get a snack and for some reason got choked on it? There I would be in the bed and have no clue it is happening.

Then, 5 am rolls around. Here comes Trenton. "Maaaaama, I have my shorts on, my shirt on, my flip flops on, my hat on, my watch on, and my sunglasses on!" Needless to say, this time I decided to go on and get up being it was obvious he still hadn't went to bed yet. And being I had just gotten good and asleep, when I rolled out of bed, I wasn't by no means in the best spirit! But when I came out into the living room and took one look at him, I instantly felt bad for having that hateful presence about me! There he stood with everything he mentioned on. He was the sweetest and cutest little thing standing there. He had on a pair of basketball jersey shorts that were black and gray, a t-shirt that was brown and orange horizontal striped, a navy ball cap, white aviator sunglasses, a Lego watch his uncle d bought him, and camouflage flip flops. It was almost like he was so mismatched, it was precious. Just looking at him and seeing everything that he picked out for himself to wear melted my heart! And along with his little get up he had picked out, he had drawings from his wrists to his shoulders. When I asked him what in the world he had done to his arms, he said "these are my cool tattoos!" again... only Trenton!! :) After talking to him about how proud I was that he took it upon himself to get dressed, and telling him how good he looked, I finally made my debut to his bedroom to see what his "spotless cleaning job" looked like. Boy, let me tell ya! When I opened his door and looked in, I was in such shock!! I couldn't believe it! He wasn't kidding! At all!! His room was SPOTLESS! He had put everything where it goes and not just shoved it all to the sides like he normally tries to do and tell me it is cleaned! He even had his bed spread pulled up to his pillows although it wasn't exactly wrinkle free. After seeing his room, and seeing him so mismatched it was almost pitiful, the anger from him staying up all night was gone. How in the world  could I be mad at the little guy for doing everything that I had asked of him? Especially when he was being so sweet about it! Just hearing how proud he was in his own little soft voice pulled my heart strings!

And after sitting on the couch with him for a while watching cartoons, I had dozed back off. At 7 am, he says "mommy, wake up! you have to get dressed so we can be the first people to go get the car!" After waking back up and sitting on the couch a minute before heading to get a shower myself, Trenton looked at me and said "mommy are you proud that I did everything you wanted me to do? you told me to clean my room by myself and I did spotless, and you asked me to get up this morning without fussing to get dressed and I am already dressed, and I stayed up all night so that i wouldn't make you late to get the car today" Reassuring him that he made me the proudest, although it worried me that he stayed up all night by himself, I then felt horrible that I told him what I did about the car making him so worried we would be late.

Call if what ya want. Me having too much of a forgiving heart when it comes to Trenton, me having to much of an "awww everything he does is so cute" attitude when it comes to Trenton, or call it just stinkin' precious and cute like I have all day. Either way, once again, this little boy just made my day! Again...only Trenton!!

Family + Fun = Florida

Summer! Finally!! For months now, all I have done is talked about how much I wished it would hurry up and get warm outside and voala! It is here and I am loving it! I love being able to get wear my pretty, frilly little ruffled tank tops, all of my summer sandals, and of course more than anything..yes you guessed it! Getting to spend the entire summer with Trenton! There is nothing better than all of hte quality time I get to spend with him during the summer months of no school!

Speaking of quality time, today, I had an invite from Trenton to go outside and help him fight off some imaginary pokemon characters! :) Needless to say, after about 20 minutes of fighting these creatures off with our little foam swords, and it being 90 degrees outside, we were wore out and ready to come back inside and be thankful for air conditioning! But I must say, we had a lot more fun out there than I had first imagined. I dont quite know my pokemon characters too well so when Trenton is asking me what I think about them almost all of the time, every now and then I may get a lucky guess and get the character right! Haha! But once I got out there today, and got into fight mode, I had a blast! In the end, I looked over at Trenton, and as he was hiding behind the big curly-Q slide on his play gym, I got tickled at the thought of wondering which of us was having more fun and who was into it more as I sat scrunched down behind the barrier wall by the garage with my eyes peeled looking for Palkia! Days like today, are the one's I live for!

Not only does the summer time chill me out by not having to be on such a strict schedule all of the time and allowing me to be the spontaneous person I am, I have noticed a huge difference in how Trenton has been acting also. It's almost as if his free spirit is back! Those last 2 months of school just seemed to drain him and make him so negative about going... He truly was ready to be out for summer!..Trust me, I heard it every single morning on the way to school "mama, I just cant wait until summer! I am tired of going to school! I wish you never signed me up for it!" yes, my child thinks that school is like signing him up for baseball or basketball! haha! Oh me, the things he comes up with! You gotta love him! And while he has been in such good spirits lately, he is still 8 and he still has his moments here and there. And speaking of which, I just have to let you in on two things that happened with him that was pitiful but sweet at the same time!

First, the other day, Trenton had a moment to where he just absolutely was not wanting to go to the store with me. He just was not having it! What can I say? He's your typical boy... hates shopping! He even says its for girls and not boys when he is trying to convince me of reasons he should not have to go. His little spell lasted for about 30 minutes and afterwards, I had decided to wait because a big storm was rolling in. Well, as the tv's started beeping with the weather bulletin's, Trenton came running into the kitchen where I was and started freaking out. Normally, storms dont really phase him. He will ask a few questions about what the bulletin means, and which is worse, a tornado warning or tornado watch, but he's pretty calm about it. Well this evening, as he was freaking out, I asked him "Trenton, honey, what in the world is the matter with you? It's just a storm buddy... it's just like all over the other one's we have been having. It's okay, just calm down. You know mommy isn't going to let anything happen to you!" And after spilling all of this out to him, he looked at me with the most worried face I believe I have ever seen on his face and said "Mommy, I'm just afraid that the storm might cause a tornado and kill us and you will go to heaven because you are so nice to me and I will just go to hell because of how I acted towards you earlier today about going to the store." When he told me this, my heart just fell to the floor for the little guy! I really truly felt so sorry or him and his little heart! But in order to make him feel better about it, I told him that if that was how he truly felt, then he should go pray about it and ask for forgiveness from God. And after telling him this, he said "really? i am right now!" and took off to his bedroom and prayed! And when he was finished, he came out and was at such ease and calmed down and back to my sweet little Trenton again!

And now for the 2nd story.... Trenton was staying with mom a few days ago, and the exact same thing happened with him and her as it did with me and him. Mom wanted to go to the store, and Trenton just wasn't going to have it. Although mom didn't back down and he was forced to go.... once they got back to her house, she decided that he was going to go outside and finish mowing the backyard, and as she told him this, he got extremely upset. When she asked him what was the matter, he explained to her that he was afraid for her to go mow because he was afraid that something would happen to the lawn mower and make her get hurt and make her die because of how he had acted earlier. Of course Nana didn't go mow, and talked to Trenton about it and got his nerves calmed but when she told me about it, I felt so bad for him again! I'm not sure what is going on with him making him think things like this are going to happen to the people he love? The only things I can think of is possibly he is at the age to where he realizes that it can happen... especially with his uncle d passing away this year whom he was extremely close to. And possibly because it seems like in the past, every day that he has had a moment to where he was acting ugly, he always ends up getting hurt those days. Whether it be stubbing his big toe, falling down while running, or whatever else you can imagine that happens to kids in every day life. And when these things happen and he gets frustrated from getting hurt, I had started bringing it to his attention that when he acts ugly we always have bad luck with intentions of making him stop and think before acting out. Maybe I brought it too his attention a little too well? I never had intentions of him getting anxiety over something happening to someone! Hopefully we can get this fear straightened out pretty soon because it really makes me feel bad for him! But, ever since these two days of being scared, he has been nothing but perfect! Don't get me wrong, Trenton is a very well behaved little boy and is very caring and considerate of others, but he is also your typical 8 yr old. He is going to have his days that aren't good just like the rest of us... he is just little more open to crying and letting it out compared to me who tends to think I should hold most of my stuff in.

Finally!!!! In a few days we will be taking our first family vacation! We are heading to Florida and I can not wait to sit on the beach and let every worry and stress free my mind while I have my toes in the sand, and watching Trenton smiling from ear to ear with excitement over being at the ocean! He loves the ocean! He is definitely like his mommy when it comes to loving to take trips and loving water!! And of course, like most of the time ALWAYS, I am running behind on getting everything that needs to be done in order to get out of this town!! But, the thought of it being our first family trip really excites me. Being the floods last year, David and I didnt get to take our honeymoon which was just crushing at the time but we had agreed that we would take it this year and do our 1 yr wedding anniversary together. But the more I thought about going to the beach and not having Trenton with me the more the thought of doing our honeymoon as a family vacation came to mind, so here we are! Getting prepared to head out for our first family vacation!! But just like every day of my life, something makes me refer to my brother. The first time Trenton went to Florida was 2 years go when mom, Derek, me and Trenton went to florida for an 11 day vacation at disney world. Seriously, the best vacation of my life. We had never all been on a vacation together since we were younger, and never since Trenton had been born. And while I think of Derek being with us on Trenton's first trip, I think of me being with Derek my last time in Florida. I am by no means ashamed to have my brother on my mind 24/7 but I just wish I could do it with a smile on my face instead of getting upset over it. Hmm... obviously some things still need to be worked out wtih me.

So, with that being said, I am going to end this one so I don't go into all of the piled on emotions I still have dealing with my brother's death and get myself so worked up, that I won't even be able to sleep tonight... Guaranteed to be a major update with pics when we get back from our trip!!