Me, Myself, and Ire.(err) Kacie

You ever sit and think about things and then sit and think about what is wrong with you for even feeling that way without anything of any significance happening to set you in that mind set?  Sure you do. We are all guilty of it at some time or another! I by all means have a serious problem with doing this. And you wanna know the oddest thing about it? I am the worst person in the world for not being able to hold a grudge. Now, don't get me wrong, holding grudges is not a good thing in my opinion, but there have been times when people have done things to me that indeed called for a grudge to be held, but in the end I just can't do it. I guess it is part of me being a Libra. We are the scales, and we want that scale to be even, no lopsided. And as I am thinking about this, I just realized that maybe I do hold a grudge. Just not to their face. I am the type of person that will take things and take it and take it some more, and when I'm at my wits end you will know it because I will go off like a stick of dynamite lit on both ends. But as soon as I say what I feel is right, and what needs to be said, within minutes of calming down, I instantly start to have a guilt trip. Even though I will be having a guilt trip, I still at the same time will still feel the same about what I said. Am I confusing you? If so, don't worry. Now you know what I'm talking about when it comes to me sitting and thinking and being confused as to why I do it!

Amazingly enough, years ago I used to not care what I said to people. I never would have a guilt trip over it and would just go on in life as if it never happened. Sometimes I waited for the wrong person to say the wrong thing just so I could tell them what I thought. I never cared what anyone thought about me. Didn't phase me one bit! Now, I am the complete opposite. I honestly try my hardest to watch what I say to others, and try to keep the way I feel at times to myself. Just because it is my opinion, that doesn't make it right or okay to say to someone. No, I by far am no saint. When someone does something that blows me away, I am as guilty as the next when it comes to gossiping at times. But aren't we all? :) I have managed to get to a point in my life to where I do care about the people around me more and more everyday. Honestly, as soon as I had Trenton my outlook on people changed. The world was no longer just about me. It was about my son and what was best for him. The drama, the tales, the gossiping, everything was no longer of importance in my life including some people. For the first time, I was able to experience the love of the world in a whole different perspective. I am finally to a point in life to where I am able to handle certain things without letting it drive me crazy. I have come to a realization that it doesn't matter how much I try to avoid certain people who cause certain situations such as "trouble makers", they will always find a way to enter your life unwelcomed and  have no mercy when it comes to tearing your life apart. It amazes me though that people can do the things they do, and say certain things and never once feel guilty for it. I know they don't because they continuously do these things to people. At times, I feel very misunderstood by people because I have a tendency to act as if nothing bothers me. I guess after having so much done to you, you can't help but put a wall up to protect your heart and feelings. But by doing that, I am more often than not mistaken to be a different kind of person than I truly am.

So who am I really? Well, I'm sure a lot of people would answer this according to their perception of me. But I will give you introduce you to the real me. As I mentioned earlier, I am kind hearted to a fault at times. I can't hold grudges, and I feel guilty for taking up for myself always. I love fresh flowers. Gerber Daisies are my absolute favorite. Fall used to be my favorite season, although Summer has officially taken over that race. I am a total goof ball at heart. I love to laugh and be silly and to make other's laugh. My son is my weakness and he is my strength. I love fashion, and love to wear high heels. I used to wonder if the right guy would ever come along, and he did! I wish I had a life with more money at times, although I am a firm believer that money is the root of all evil. There have been times when I have less money than ever, yet those were the happiest moments of my life. I am content with what I have in life right now, and assure myself daily that there will be a point later in life that offers more opportunities and more luxuries. I have a passion for doing hair. Hair color is my expertise. I am a craft person. I love to make anything and everything although I usually make it and then just throw it in a box for the fear of people thinking it's not very good. I act as if I don't care what people think, but I really do. My favorite color used to be purple, but I never thought I would admit to it, but I have fell in love with pink over the past few years. My favorite color to wear as far as clothing, is black and white. Simple yet chic and classy and David's most disliked color! I always feel like I am not in the mood to cook but once I get started, I love it! I usually cook too much! :) I love dancing! It runs in my veins! Best workout around! I am skinny by all means, but at times I do feel fat. I won't go anywhere without my makeup and hair fixed. I am night and day with and without makeup. I deal with people who are a constant neuscience in my life and will have to for a very long time. They entered me in a pissing contest that I want no part of. I love a clean house, but have trouble keeping one all the time. I am a road trip kinda gal all except for the fact that I can't stay awake in a car any longer than 2 hours at a time. I wish and one day will, move to a bigger city far away from Glasgow. I love Atlanta! Would move there in a heartbeat! I have a brother who is 7yrs older than I am. He is one of my best friends. I absolutely hate doing laundry. It never ends! washing and drying isnt the problem, it's folding and putting away that drives me nutso! I often think about deleting my facebook account. Sometimes I feel as if I don't have any friends to vent to and get things off my chest. I'm sure I am wrong. Everytime my child laughing hysterically, I laugh until I cry. I feel naked without jewelry. That's why you will never see me without it. I love a good sale! Nothing like a bargain! I have an obsession with anything sparkly. I fear that I will be one of those old women who wear all of the bedazzled sweatshirts when I get older! :) I am not a good baker. Everything has to be too accurate for it to turn out. If I had the chance to do things over, there are a few I would change. Decorating makes me smile. I am happier than I have ever been in my life. No matter what the problem is, it never gets me down hardly anymore. It's almost as if I am so happy, nothing phases me, and nothing is going to ruin this feeling I have in my heart. I am soft hearted for any kind of animal except worms. Which, are not an animal but you get the point! Worms are my phobia! They will infest you! I don't want anymore kids, but I have to admit, I have a secret jealousy of women with daughters. I want to be able to play with bows, ruffles, and flowers! Yet, it will never happen! Thankfully, some of my friends have girls, that way I can make all the pretty stuff for them and get it out of my system from time to time. I love our yorkie as if she is part of the family. She is family! :) I have a wonderful mother who is always there for me. We fuss at times, but that is only because we are so much alike we bust heads often. I had a blankie when I was younger that I carried around everywhere, and still have to this day. I still have to have a soft blank to cuddle with on the couch regardless of how hot it is in the house. Potato soup is my favorite comfort food. Good thing Trenton LOVES it because we have it often! I can't sing worth a  dime! But I love music. When I got married, I got my first set of expensive sheets with a high thread count. They make my old one's feel like paper towels. Never again will I sleep on anything that isn't atleast 800ct thread sheets! I am a night owl. No matter how tired I may be, I fight my sleep worst than a toddler. I love to sleep in but feel like I waste the day when I do. Doing my hair feels like a chore at times. I have a lot of it! I can't stand jealous people or liars. A thief is on the top dislike list also. People who rub money in other's faces also make me sick. When I look in the mirror, I don't think I look like dog crap, but I don't feel pretty either. I am a person who needs positive reinforcement. If I am doing something good, give me a pat on the back and let me know otherwise I think you never notice what I do, so why do it? I love to talk. Silence makes everything awkward in a room. I trust guys way more than I do girls. I have been through a lot of things in life that have made me who I am today. More things than most people know about. I think some people share too much info on facebook. And I dislike when some people think they are doing something funny, and it is totally not. I never ate candy until I got pregnant and it is all I craved. Now I have a horrible sweet tooth. I am very opinionated. I also observe everything. You may be fooled by me talking all the time thinking I am not paying attention but that is how I fool you. :) I have the worst time finding jeans that fit. Being 5'0" does not make it easy! I have a tendency to feel sorry for people that I don't even know. I love art and pictures. I take entirely too many pics. My camera goes everywhere with me. People often do not pic up on my sarcasm and think I am mean. I am VERY sarcastic. Everything my son says melts my heart. I always try to see the best in people, and I am often fooled by their best. Even after the truth comes out in them, I have a problem with still seeing what I saw in them to begin rather than the truth in them.

Yes, there are a thousand other things about me. But it's hard to describe yourself and not make it 15 pages long, like I have already nearly done. I'm sure in the long run, you will see and learn how I really am. The opinion of another is very misleading. Do as I do and keep in mind, an opinion is just that. Not a fact! :)

Oh, Brother!

Growing up, the aggrivating never seemed to cease. I would bang and knock on my older brother's door while he and his friends were in there and beg for them to let me in. With me being 7 years younger than he, there wasn't much at the time that we actually had in common other than we lived in the same house, and had the same parents and pets. :) Of course as we have gotten older, the aggrivating hasn't ever really stopped (which I love), and although we may live a million miles from each other as it seems at times, we are really only that much closer. It doesn't matter what is going on in my life, I can call my brother and just tell him what is going on and he will drop everything and just listen to me. Even if he doesn't have the perfect answer for me, he always has the perfect ear for listening. And more times than not, he always has a word of advice that comforts me in whatever situation I may find myself in. I just wish that he lived closer so that we could experience more than just a phone call from each other. I miss the jokes we played on our mom, and believe it or not, I miss the rants we used to have when one or the other made the other mad. But hey, I guess it makes our visits to see each other that more appreciated in the long run! And when they don't... I do indeed catch myself huffing and puffing and sighing saying "Oh, Brother!" :)

And now it is the time of the year for the big let down to begin. I always get so excited and amped up over Christmas! I love buying things for people and being able to visit them and wear a nice sweater, and take a million pictures! Only bad thing is, when it's all done and over with, I have what you call the big let down. Nothing to look forward to for atleast another 5 months. You're asking what happens in 5 months? uh... SUMMER! I have like a snake in a hen house during summer. I love the sun, the tans, the water, the endless amounts of days I get to spend with Trenton, the longer days! Everything dealing with Summer, I love! And on top of summer being an exciting thing in 5 months, may also marks mine and David's 1 year annivesary! :) I can't wait! For one, David has mentioned that he wants to take me on our honeymoon this summer since we were married on the flood of the nation and couldn't get passed Nashville in order to get to go on our real one when we got married. And on top of that, we have mentioned that we may turn our honeymoon into our first family vacation. David and I have been on vacation, and I have been on vacation's with Trenton, but we have never been on a vacation with just the 3 of us! Feels good to call ourselves a family. It just makes everything seem right!

And tomorrow I get the privelage of going to New Albany to a big fancy new years eve party! David gets to wear his new suit, and thank to my brother, I get to go get a new sparkly dress! I have always wanted to go to a party where I got to where a pretty sparkly cocktail dress, but have never in my life had the chance to do so, So by my brother making this possible for me, it means a lot! I get to finally do what I have wanted to do since I turned 21!! And on top of it all, I get to ring in the new year with a best friend that I don't  get to see nowhere near enough! My brother saved the day, and it truly means the world to me! :) Big brother's always save the day!

Thanks, Trenton got it for me!

If you remember, my last post consisted of me having a horrible guilt trip over getting Trenton upset over the Christmas gift shop at his school. Remember my big fuschia ring he got me? If so, great! You've done your homework on me! :) If not, you are about to soon learn about it.

First, let me start by saying that I have wore my ring everyday since I recieved it. I absolutely love it! And apparently, people around me also do! I have recieved more compliments about my ring than any other piece of jewelry I have ever worn! I had 2 compliments just tonight!  And don't for a second think that Trenton has not been quick to inform them on just where is came from! Rest assured that he has gotten the biggest smile with every compliment recieved and assured everyone that "he got it for his mommy for christmas because he just knew his mommy would love it when she seen it!"

Having a child has made me so appreciative of the smallest things in life. The goodnight hugs and kisses, funny tales, a hold of my hand crossing a street or parking lot, sweet, sweet chuckles, the look of excitement in his eyes, snuggling while watching tv, and not to forget the never ending compliments he gives me daily. I never dreamed that the things I cherished most in life would be those that cost not a penny. Of course, I do realize that as he gets older this things will soon start to fade, so don't for a second think that I take them for granted! Trenton and I have always had a very special bond and I pray that it continues over time through out his life. I have had a many of fears when it comes to him. The thought of not getting to see him through a horrendous custody battle is always the main one that comes to mind... I used to hold a lot of resentment towards people when it came to that event in my life, but just over the past year, I have been able to let go of that feeling and most be thankful for their ignorance on it. Because of them scaring Trenton and I to death that we would possibly be seperated from each other, it only made us closer. Trenton may only be 8yrs old. But let me tell ya, he is no fool! One may think that at 5 yrs old, he wouldn't know what was going on and wouldn't look at things like an adult would, but Trenton did. He knew exactly what was happening and what was at stake, and even he at the time, began to show appreciation of us being together. Now, It's a wonderful feeling knowing that we have always been close, but have been even closer since that time. He's my biggins, my bub, my T-Lane, my heart. He's my world and the reason I wake up every morning. I can't imagine what life would possibly be like without him in it! Miserable, depressing, boring, and lonely are a few ways that come to mind. Ways that definitely would not make me a happy person who enjoys life as I do now with him being a part of it! And it all goes back to me describing my love for him, in which if you are a mother you understand. Even if every mother wants to think their love for their child is stronger and truer, *wink* :) I promise it doesnt get any stronger than it is at this end of the computer! :)

survivor snowmen and grampa rings

This morning I sent $20 with Trenton to school so that he could go shopping in the little christmas store to buy gifts for me, david, nana, and his friend Lucas without me being there and seeing them and having to pay for them. Excited is an understatement for what he was! The school provided a little envelope that you wrote the names of the people he was shopping for on, the most money he was allowed to spend on them, and then it had a place where he would write how much he spent on each person so I would know when he got home. When he got home... starts the story....

I got to my mom's to pick him up this afternoon, and as soon as I got there he was ready to give me mine, and show me what else he got. Of course I was excited to see what he had picked out for me! He pulls out a pin that is a snowman for Nana, and then give me a ring with a huge fuschia stone in the middle that actually looks like it came from a gumball machine ( I love it though!), and he pulls out an ink pen that says "grampa" on it for David (I will explain this in a minute), and then pulls out 2 survivor kits that are tape measures, pens, flashlights, and screwdrivers all in one. Before I could say anything, Trenton explained to me that one survivor kit was for Lucas and the other for him and that he paid $8 a piece for them. My jaw instantly dropped open! They by no means were worth $8 a piece! And I by no means was trying to be mean or rude when I asked Trenton why he got himself one, and he said because he liked it. So I tried to explain to him that the money was for him to buy gifts for people for christmas, not for himself and that christmas is about giving and not recieving. No sooner than the words left my mouth, he got the look on him as if he was just heart broken. His chin started to quiver and he was holding back the tears. I asked what was wrong, and he took off running to his bedroom and said "Nothing! I don't even want my survivor kit now!" Naturally, I felt HORRIBLE! So I went to his room to talk to him, and was asking what was wrong, and he kept saying he didnt want it anymore which only made me feel even worse about the situation. So I told him it was okay, and that he could keep his and that nobody was telling him he couldn't have it, and that I just didn't understand why he spent so much money on those 2 things and only left $4 to be spent between 3 other people. Next words out of his mouth.. "Mommy I thought you all would like them! It didn't matter how much they cost!"... another stab to my heart. So after reassuring him that I loved my ring, and that Nana loved her pin, he started to calm down. But while on the topic, I just had to ask, "why did you get David a pen that says Grampa on it?" As tears came back to his eyes, he said, "I wanted to get him a pen because I know he has to use pens at work all the time and I just couldn't find one that said dad on it, only grampa. I'm just a loser for getting that but I was going to take a marker and scribble grampa out of it so he would never know!"... the stab that literally took my heart out nearly. I just sat there for a moment.. I myself was now coming to tears. I felt awful! After I finally got him calmed down and assured him that David would love it, I myself couldn't get over it. Here I was telling him about what the true meaning of christmas is, and I acted awful myself over it! I wasn't upset over what he got us.. shocked considering the money I sent with him and nothing being over $8 there.... I guess I just assumed he would have gotten a lot more for his money. And I wasn't upset that he got himself something.. just trying to make a point that he gets things all the time through out the year, and never gets to buy for other people... and I by no means was making fun of the grampa pen, I literally was just wondering why get something that said Grampa? So after all of this happening, I have been in the worst funk all night long. It's one of those things you just feel so guilty over and ashamed of that you can't quit reliving it over and over in your mind. Some may think I am overreacting to this, but this has literally just broken my heart tonight. I could cry just thinking about it as I write this! He was so pitiful over it, and was truly upset! Every mother knows when their child is truly upset or just faking, and this was beyond just being upset. It was almost as if I made his heart feel as sad as I made my own tonight. I do believe it was a lesson learned for the both of us... a heart wrenching one for me atleast. :(

Introducing.... the New kids onnnnnnnnn the Block

Well, I thought I was going to be able to mark #18 off of my bucket list... but I don't get to. News of The New Kids on The Block coming to Nashville was heard, and needless to say, I got as excited as I did when I was 5 listening to them! But after trying to figure out money for christmas and that, it isn't going to happen. But hey, what can I really complain about? Trenton will have Christmas gifts and that alone beats the excitement of going to see NKOTB anyday! Although, I have to admit, I am dieing to go see them one last time! And as I WAS disappointed over not being able to buy tickets this morning for it, although David said something to me last night that made it all okay to me... When we were talking about how much the tickets were, he told me to go on and buy one and go with my friends and he would just stay home. What? Did I just hear him right? So I asked what he meant by stay home? He then proceeded to tell me that he actually had plans on going with me.. and that of course they are not a group he has ever cared for by any means, but he likes to experience things with me and wanted to go to see me all excited and in awe over them. I have to say it was one of the sweetest things I had ever heard. Oddly enough, when hearing about the concert, I actually had a thought run through my head "I wish I could talk David into going with me" but I let that hope fall off the cliff fast by assuming that he wouldn't be caught dead at one of their concerts! So to hear him tell me the things he was saying, and listening to him tell me that even if he doesn't like something, he will never hold me back from getting to experience it, and likes to go with me anyway because he enjoys going places and doing things with me... it soon made the disappointment go away and the warm feeling of love swarm my heart. Needless to say, I am "okay" with not going to the concert. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason whether or not I ever know what the reason may be, and I truly believe me not getting to go to the concert happened for a reason. If we had figured out the money to just buy the tickets, then I may have never known the way David feels about doing things with me. And to that, I am actually grateful for the circumstances of not getting to go see my favorite childhood band in which I still have all 5 barbie dolls of, and in which I had the lunchbox, all tapes of their songs, and all concerts on tape from pay-per-view, along with the bedsheets, pajamas, cups, posters, sleeping bag, button pins, etc... :) AND- my title to this blog does have a meaning, for that is how they ALWAYS introduced the new kids on the block as they came out on the stage :)

Mommy said it was a good deed

My little Trenton turned the big 8 yesterday! Now, that is something that is definately hard to grasp! It seems just like he was just born yesterday! It's true when they say that time flies when you're having fun. Has to be the way these 8 years have flown by! But I must say, they have definitely been some of the most heart warming years of my life. When he was born I had no clue the love, compassion and joy he truly was about to introduce into my life! I've never felt a love as strong as the love I have for Trenton. Before him, I would almost swear that it was non-existent. Obviously, my little squirt proved me wrong!

We had a birthday party for him here at the house yesterday with close friends and family along with some of mine and Trenton's favorite finger foods. Although it was his big day, me being the finger food lover of all time, I of course had to add in my favorites as well! :) The party was as chaotic as it could get for a mother being used to only one kid running around... and probably ten times more stressful that you even imagined from that last sentence! :)

As it does to every person with money nearly, Trenton's birthday money was burning a hole in his pocket! After a check  at the doctor office (thank god no finger pokes!), and Trenton being as well behaved as they come while I was doing my schedule for next semesters classes, we went out to burn that money! He had asked if we could check if Fred's had pokemon characters since we are lucky enough to have not one single other store that carries them, in which Fred's did not. Naturally, when he then asked to proceed to Kmart, I couldnt find it in my heart to dare tell the sweet little guy no.

We were walking through the door to Kmart and there was a man standing there with the salvation army bucket, ringing the bell. I didn't think anything of it at the time but as we made our way to the toy department, Trenton had asked what that man was doing. The only thing that came to mind as a perfect explanation without a million questions since Trenton has to analyze every single thing in life, was that it was to help children who's parents cant afford to buy them any christmas presents. A good explanation followed by a very honest question. "How come the kids don't get any presents from Santa? Santa doesn't have to buy toys." Needless to say, I spotted a toy and got off topic as quick as I possibly could! :)

After about an hour, Trenton made his decision on what to buy with his money. The Simpsons Movie, the old school rudolph the red nose reindeer movie, a R2D2 version of the boardgame trouble, a battleship with 7 airplanes that came along with it, a pack of starbursts, and a 2 musketeer candy bar. After paying for his new things himself, Trenton had $6 left. Of course, we had to make a stop at the stuffed animal machine for him to spend $2 on trying to get an animal with no such luck as it seems to be whenever you try those machines. Then he turned around, got $2 from his pocket and walked right over to the man ringing the bell, and put it in the red bucket. You would think the boy just won a million dollars with the proud look he had on his face! Not to mention, I was as proud of a mother as you come by at that moment! I bragged and bragged on him and told him how he did a good deed and when I referred to what he did as that, he then began to get even more satisfaction from it. If more people could have the love and compassion in their heart that Trenton holds in his towards things in life, I'm telling ya, the world would be a better place!

on. off. on. off. on. off. on. off. on. off. on. off.

Life has been crazy and hectic but life is definitely GOOD! I don't think there has honestly ever been a time in my life to where I am as content as I am now. I love my family, my husband, Trenton Lane, my house, school, friends.. just everything in it right now! For once, I am completely surrounded by the people who care most about me, and feel as if I am appreciated for who I am, and what I am able to do for people. It may not be a lot but at least I try! :) And I cant help but look at couples that are off and on like light switches and wonder how in the world they can say they enjoy that aspect of their life? If you have facebook, you know what I am referring to! People will ask you to pray for their relationship to work with their significant other, and then the very next day they are getting married, and then 3 days later they are broke up, and then asking for you to pray for them all over again. I mean, who really would want to live with a relationship like that? That's not a happy couple in my opinion! And yes, I have been in a few horrendous relationships and it took me longer than it should have to realize some things about the relationship... but by golly, when I learn it, I hold onto it. I can now spot a red flag in a person a million miles away! And when I do... I RUN! Haha! No seriously though- I do look at these couples and of course you will compare and contrast them to your relationships, and I can honestly say I am so very grateful to have someone like David in my life. He is the first person to ever make me feel like I am worth something, and has given me more self esteem than I have ever been able to have in my life. We don't argue at all! No, we are not perfect by any means! Meaning, of course each of us do things that may get on the others nerves at times. BUT- there is NEVER any cussing, or yelling towards each other at all. I honestly don't know if I could handle David ever actually yelling at me. We've been together 4 years and for us to go that long without it ever happening, I think I am safe to say, we make a great team! :) And back to the couples who need prayer.... instead of asking people to pray for your relationship to work, why not ask them to pray for you to be able to see what needs to be done, and to be able to make the right decision about your relationship? Makes more sense to me! But hey, who am I to make these calls for people? Obviously a marriage isn't going to work for them being that they break up all the time and can't stay together for over a 2 week period of time together... The person you marry is supposed to be the person you can't stand to live without. The person you want to spend the rest of your life with. The one you want along for the ride in life and to experience everything you experience. Oh well... what business is it of mine? It's not.. although I really had to get that off my chest this morning for some apparent reason! :)