Any other semester, I have always been excited to be going back to school. Although I am lucky enough to have a husband that wants to work hard enough so I don't have to work and am lucky enough to be a stay at home mom, it does indeed sometimes gets boring and school becomes exciting in the event of getting to actually use my brain again, and have something to do during my days other than be at home. Everyone knows that last semester nearly killed me after my brother passed away. I like to have never finished it out, and didn't finish it with exactly the highest grades but I stuck it out, and had never been so thankful to see a semester end. So thankful that I actually hesitated this summer about signing back up for this semester but I figured if I didn't go back, i probably never would go back [That is usually how it works right?]. So after some deep thought, there I was. Standing at the counter asking to make an appointment with my counselor to enroll for classes. Now, just after the first day of classes for me, why am I not so excited this semester? I already am so unmotivated about it. I know, horrible way to start this term out huh? But what do you do in my situation? It obviously not a secret that I have been going through some MAJOR depression from Derek's death and am still having a hard time with it. No matter what I do, or what I try, nothing has been helping me with it. The impossible is the only thing possible to get me out of this right now and that is to have him back. Obviously not an option, so yeah... what do ya do??
Yesterday, I was nothing more than a hot mess before going to class. For a few nights in a row now, I have had the worst nightmares about Derek and have woke up on edge feeling as if I am going to go into a full blown panic attack any moment. Yesterday, after waking up in this panicky fright, I absolutely could not shake that dream for nothing!! I thought about it and thought about it all day long. For hours before class started, and as soon as I got up, I was crying. It's really weird because I start crying when I think about Derek but after a few hours I am crying because I cant stop crying. I mean really, who wants to sit and cry for hours and have snot filled tissues soaked with tears laying beside of them, and a headache that feels like your head is going to explode from pressure in your brain [the one we all get from crying] and swollen eyes? Nobody. Well, nobody in their right mind I suppose.
My next worry... with the way I am off and on everyday dealing with this, and having days to where I literally just sit in my pajamas and cant seem to find it in me to do anything due to being so down, what do I do on days like that and I have class? The answer is easy. Go. But trust me, it really isn't that easy when you are in this
situation funk. Obviously, I am going to have no other choice other than to go if I want to do better than I did last semester. I don't know, maybe I am bringing up more worries than I need to worry about at this moment when it comes to this semester. Suppose I just take it with stride and take it on a daily basis. Already, this morning I am not looking forward to the day ahead of me but would I feel any better at all skipping out and staying at home? Absolutely not. At least getting up and going is doing just that. Getting me up and going. Somewhere... Suppose I get up and go [even though I feel as if it just isn't in me today] and it turns out to be an awesome day? If I sit at home and do nothing with myself, I certainly am not going to have the chance of it turning out to be a good day. Actually, I believe it would turn out to be worst by just deciding not to go. Not only would I sit here and be depressed, but I would feel as if not only am I letting David down [he is so proud that I am back in school and is very stern about needing to go and do good because not everybody has the opportunity to go back and I should be thankful for the chance to do so :)] but I am letting myself down, and I would have that natural guilt in me. Ya know, the guilt you have when you know you should be doing something but you don't out of sheer laziness? Exactly! So maybe this insight I am having this morning is the way I need to look at everyday this semester. Surely, keeping these thoughts and emotions into check this term will help me to go, do good, and feel accomplished for the first time in months. Plus, my brother was my biggest cheerleader when it came to going to school. I know he would be upset if I quit because of him... I know he would want me to continue to excel in life. And yes, I know this to be a fact. <3
On a finishing note, yesterday I received a message that said " Help me to be thankful today for all that God has given me, for all that he has taken away from me, and for all that he has left me". The more I think about that message, the more I am starting to believe it. I
needneed to be thankful that I was blessed enough to have Derek in my life compared to never having him at all and never knowing him. I
need to be thankful for the memories that I am able to have of Derek. So many
NEEDS come to mind the more I reflect on that message. So many things I
need to keep in mind on a regular basis! Now, I 'need' to get ready for class and conquer this day. I will get prettied up with make up and jewelry, and I will walk into that building with a smile on my face, and wait and see, I will have one on me when I walk out this afternoon! Promise! ;)
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