I recieved a message the other day. One that made me cry while reading it, and one that literally touched my heart. This message was from a friend that I've known for years. One that I've always considered my very best friend, and always will. We may be a few years older, with a few more people to add to our list of responsibilities, along with school and houses to tend to, and even though our visits and phone calls are not as often as they used to be, she still in fact is my very best friend, and none less than she was when we were together nearly every single day. And although we dont talk as often as we would like, the message I recieved let me know that she is still with me every step of the way. That she still knows me better than any other friend. And that she still cares more than the next. After reading her message, I literally sat there speechless. It was so beauitful and heart warming to me, I had no words. Regardless of what I responded, it was going to be nothing compared to the message she sent me. It would be like comparing a banana chip to a hot fudge sundae pop tart. No comparison.
In this message, she wrote something to me that made me stop and think. Something that I could think about and accept when it came to Derek. Hope she doesnt get mad for me posting this... but here goes.
"I totally understand being angry with the fact that derek was taken away so prematurely while horrible people are still here on this earth when they themselves dont deserve to be but think of this way, maybe the Lord took derek for that simple reason, he was too good for this filthy world we live in. things here are getting worse and worse every single day and even though derek was a great son, brother, uncle, and friend, i believe the Lord took him as a reward for being that way, God knew he had made such imprints in people lives already with is love and always kind words and advise that he would in fact never be forgotten here on this earth and now he is in a paradise that we all long to be in, nothing like anything on this earth, something so amazing we cant even imagine the way it really is."
Now- this is a thought I like. A thought that I want to think when it comes to Derek. The first thought of why he was taken that I can see myself accepting. Amazing how it just takes that one person paying attention to you, and knowing you and I mean really knowing you, to help lighten your heart in a forever way. And just as amazing as the way this thought made me feel, she is too!!!!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
The Apple meant for the Orange Tree
Back to the blogs I go. For a while I was starting to actually wonder if blogging my emotional roller coaster of a life right now was making me feel worse at times, but I have came to the realization, I think it is the only thing that has kept me as sane as I have been able to be for the past 8 weeks. Yes, the blogs are back and back with a vengeance. With that being said, you probably already assume what I am going to say next... Beware, this could take a while to read!
Where to start? Where to start? Um, how about in my head? Not sure that my head is the safest place to start... but here goes. Now, before reading this, please refrain from thinking I am crazy. I myself have been thinking I am and that is enough to tear my mind in thousand different directions, let alone thinking the rest of the world thinks it too. Plus, If I am thinking it, and everyone else does, then that would imply that it may just possibly be true. To think I have complexes now, could you imagine what type that would bring on? Geesh! :)
It's been 8 weeks as of Sunday that Derek passed away. People keep telling me that it will get easier in time, but lately it seems as if it has just gotten worse on me. No matter what I do, where I go, what I see, I think of him. I have remembered things that I had even forgotten happened or that we did. Although I am thankful that these thoughts and memories are coming to me piece by piece, and it is allowing me to make sure I never forget a single thing about him, it is almost haunting to me. My mind has literally became almost obsessed with him. And while saying that, why do I feel guilty for feeling that way? I want to hold on to him and remember him and love him forever, so why do I get frustrated with the way my mind is when it comes to him? I don't really know how to explain it, or explain the way it makes me feel. It's not a bad feeling I have about him being on my mind constantly. Maybe frustrating to me as bad as I hate to even put the thought of my brother and frustrating into the same sentence. It's frustrating I think because it is ruling my mind. I feel so out of control, and not myself. That is what frustrates me. It has taken me a long time, a lot of heartache, and a lot of advice in order for me to realize who I truly am as a person, and to be able to accept it 100% and be happy about it. And now that I was finally to a point in my life to where I loved who I am, my mind has me doubting everything. Right now, my mind has a sense of insecurity and I am not satisfied with it. For once I had gotten used to myself and my thinking, and now with it out of control, I feel helpless. I guess once I had gotten used to having control of my mind, it is scary not being in control of it. Speaking of scary... ever since every thing with Derek, every thing scares me. The fact that I now realize that nothing is ever certain in life, and life itself is not certain, scares me. Night time is the worst for me as it is, let alone now having all of these fears coming out in me. I lay in the bed and no matter how tired I am, and how exhausted I think I am before actually laying down, once I do, I just lay there and think. I think about all of the memories with my brother, think about how much I miss him, if he ever truly knew what he meant to me and how much I loved him, if he knew he was dieing, why he had to die, you name it and I think it. I have so many questions in me that will never be answered. My mind is just a rambled mess. Hence why this blog is jumping from one thought to another in the same rambled mess sequence my brain exhibits daily now.
The past few days I have been so angry. I am so mad at the world about Derek. And as bad as this may sound, I am angry at God for taking Derek. He was so special and did so much for everyone that ever knew him, I can't find a reason in my mind or heart as to why God would want to take him away. The people that do so much wrong in their lives are still here, yet someone like Derek wasn't allowed the chance to live life. He may have had 33 years but he deserved 99. I'm mad that I didn't talk to Derek on that Saturday before. I never called him that day, and he never called me. No big deal at the time.. but now, if I had it to do over, and if I had ever for a second thought it would be his last day here... I am mad that I may be able to talk to him out loud now and tell him how much I love him and need him but I can't hear him and won't ever be able to hug him again. I'm mad at what this has done to our family. Mad that I cant accept it. Mad that mom is crazy. Just mad. Mad that people believe me when I say I'm okay. It may seem as if I am smiling and okay, but I promise that is no smile. It is more like me gritting my teeth to the extent that they could chip at any moment, and gritting them so hard it looks as if my lips are curled into the shape of a smile. But, that is no smile.
Last night we were watching the Ring two. Just relaxing on the couch, and David put that movie in because he knows I love scary movies. And believe it or not, I had never seen the second one. While laying across David's lap watching it, I started thinking of Derek. When the first ring came out, my friend Tabatha and I were at the house watching it, and Derek was actually living at home at the time too. I'm not sure what he did to make it happen, but he played an awful trick on us. He made the DVD player to where it wouldn't let us take the movie out, and it was playing the video that they all watch and die afterwards. It freaked me and Tabatha out so bad that we were in the bedroom screaming at the top of our lungs over it. Of course, Derek came in snickering and laughing over it, and then it was all fun and games. But before that, we just knew the phone was about to ring and we in fact would be dead in 7 days. Keep in mind, we were 17yrs old when this happened also. :) But as I layed there and thought about that, my brain then took off in a whole different direction. A direction that disturbed me. One that I did not like and one that I am not sure as to how or why it would even go there. But as I watched the movie and I would see all of the people's faces all dark in color and distorted after the girl would come out of the TV and get them... I for some reason, started relating it to Derek. I started picturing him on the couch, dead. No, I didn't picture him looking like the people on the movie, but I started picturing what I guess I thought he would look like with all of the details that I have been told. Almost one of those things that you really don't want to know, but you have to ask. Also one of those things you really don't and wouldn't want to see but yet if someone had a picture, you would have to look just so you could know. And as the movie went on, instead of me being able to picture my brother the way he was when he was alive, or picture him in his casket, I pictured him before anybody had gotten there. This actually took over my mind so bad, I can't even tell you what happened in the movie. And this disturbs me. Why in the world was my brain thinking so morbidly? Why would I even think that way or why would my brain even want to think that way? It is because I do have so many questions that can never be answered about his death? I am not even sure that thinking this way is normal... hopefully, it is something that will not come back to my mind again. And after thinking that way, when it was time to go to bed, I layed in there and started thinking about even more stuff that scared me. I started thinking about the question of whether Derek knew something was wrong or not which led me into thinking what if something were to happen to me. I'm a hard sleeper and it takes a hell of a lot to wake me up. David gets up every morning with his alarm, gets dressed and everything in the bedroom and I never hear him at all. I have no clue that he is even out of bed and gone until I myself wake up. Strange how I don't hear his alarm, yet I hear mine now that I think about it! But, I started thinking that if something were to happen to me in my sleep, he would never think anything of it that I was just laying there in the bed, not moving while he was up and getting ready or work. And then when he went to work, if he tried to call, it would not surprise him if I did not answer because I am the worst about not answering the phone when I just don't feel like it. So if something were to happen to me in my sleep, he'd never know it probably and then I would just be laying there in the bed and nobody would have a clue. Well then I started thinking about what if it happened and then Trenton woke up and came in there to try and wake me up to tell me he was up. I started picturing him being scared and crying and not knowing what to do, and started thinking about him not knowing how to use my cell phone to call someone. I literally freaked myself out so bad last night I had to get up and calm down. I don't know if I am just having some anxiety with all of this or like I said earlier, If I am just going crazy, but my mind can not handle these thoughts. I say it cant handle them, and I know it cant, but why does it keep it up? How do I stop it? And while thinking about this, and freaking out, I then started thinking about whether or not Trenton would ever know how much I love him? Would he ever know what he means to me? Pretty much the same questions I ask myself about my brother and if he ever knew what he meant to me and how much I loved him.
And now that I have really made myself look crazy, I do have something big to talk about. ESPN is talking about doing "The DEREK BYRD award". It will be an award that they give out to someone every year in the master control room that pretty much exhibits everything Derek was. A good worker, dependable, good people skills, etc. When I heard this, I got so excited I cant even describe it! I mean, how honoring is that?!?! I know Derek is not the first employee in ESPN history to pass away, yet they don't have awards. (well, not that I know of put it that way.) And I have been so afraid that Derek would just be another number in and out the door to them up there, that over time, he would be forgotten. But this let me know that he is not going to be forgotten, that they cared for him and loved him so much they refuse to let him be forgotten the same way I refuse it. And not only are they keeping his memory alive, now even the new employees that come to work there will get to feel as if they knew Derek too. They will strive to be like him in order to get this award. I of course thought the sun set and rised in Derek, but I know now that I am not the only one that felt that way.
Also, I was sent a picture of the memorial they have set up for Derek at ESPN. It is a picture, and a vase of orange flowers. He loved Orange! And while looking at this picture and having yet another overwhelming feeling come across me by knowing how much they cared for him, I realized something. The orange flowers they arranged in the vase next to his picture, are in fact the exact same orange flowers that were on his casket. Identical! To look at both, you would think that the same person picked the flowers for bother his blanket on the casket, and this vase. And the strange thing is, the person that was in charge of the flowers was not able to make it to the funeral so she had no idea what flowers were used at it. She and I both agreed that he must have been with her at the craft store. :)
Speaking of him being us.... there have been so many thing that I strongly believe he has made happen in life for a reason since his passing. I believe he is with me, and is watching and listening to me every single day. You may not believe in things like that yourself, but you could never convince me otherwise. Some of the things people would probably say are by coincidence and that I am just relating them to Derek and finding anything that I possibly can to believe it is him. Kinda like when you go to a psychic or read your horoscope. At times it seems so dead on that you cant help but believe in it for a minute, but then you always have that certain person that doubts everything. Mr. or Mrs. pessimistic if you would say. And they bring it to your attention that the horoscope is so broadly worded that you can relate it to almost anything going on in your life. Yes, at times that may be the case but as far as my signs from Derek, nope! Not that way at all! The other night I was wanting to burn a candle and had burned all of mine up and just haven't went and bought any new ones. Right after telling David that I wished I had a new good smelling candle to burn since the house was all nice and clean, we somehow ended up in the other room looking in a box of Derek's that had movies in it. While looking through the DVDs in the box, I opened another box to see if it had more in it and I found candles. Naturally, whats a girl to do other than pick them up and start smelling of them? There was one huge Yankee candle jar candle that I pulled the lid off and smelled of that I loved. It had never been burned, and after sitting and contemplating on it for a moment, I decided to take it in the living room and use it. After lighting it and sitting it on the coffee table, I looked down and out of all the names for a candle to have, this one was called "Sparkling Angel". Think about it seriously, what are the odds of that? At that moment, I knew Derek was listening to me.
Speaking of the candle and his DVDs... I also have now had this feeling of guilt come over me when it comes to his things. After lighting the candle and burning it, I felt guilty using it. It is not mine to use, it is his. I am sure he wouldn't mind for me to have it, but I still feel wrong by it. I feel wrong adding his DVDs on the shelf to mine. I also have his car. At first, I felt like I was doing something terribly wrong by driving it, and it didn't feel right to me. Now the option of taking over the payments, paying it off, or letting it go back has came up. Within the next few weeks, I have to make a decision on it. I don't even know where to begin with it. I don't want to take over the payments on it because it is not a car that really fits my needs. It's extremely small, and only 2 door, and a stick shift. It is a very nice car, and way better than my cavalier so right now, I like it even though it is not a car that I myself would pick out. I feel like if I am going to be paying that much a month for something it needs to be something that I want and that accommodates me because my intentions are to make car payments and pay it off and then keep it until the wheels fall off. Pretty much what I have done with the cavalier. I hate debt, and am not a person that gets a car and then trades it in and builds up all of this money I will never be able to pay off. Then, I have thought about paying it off and then I wouldn't have a payment on it, and I could still get a new car and being I wouldn't have to make car payments on Derek's, I could still afford the payments on another new car. And then the thought that maybe I should let it go back since it's not exactly what I need, and even if I do pay it off, I would still have to be able to afford the insurance on it along with my car and David's truck. But when the thought of letting it go back comes to me, I feel horrible guilt over it. Everyone says they don't know why I feel this way and that it is silly, but I feel like I am doing something wrong by letting it go back. Almost like I am letting a piece of Derek go or something. I don't really know how to explain it... either way, I have to make a decision pretty quick.
His art! ESPN is also wanting me to get prints of his art made, which they are also going to pay to have done and shipped to them in order for them to hang them up in the building. How freaking awesome is that?! For one, obviously that place only has sports stuff for the decor, so for them to want to hang his stuff up is amazing to me. And of course they have all of the big time sports people in and out all of the time, and the thought that these "celebrities" may be stopping to admire his work excites me. Derek would be so excited! And also one of his very, very best friends Anette, has a friend with an art gallery in Louisville. Derek had numerous art shows in L-ville before, and even some in New York City, and art was his god given passion. She has talked to her friend and we are going to be having an art show with his work in a few months. Obviously, his work will not be for sale, but people can still come and admire it as they always have. His friends that have paintings he had given them are going to loan them to me in order to add them to the show, and we are going to display all of his sketchbook work. I am still mad that someone stole his other art and I don't have it, but that is a whole different topic. As exciting as this is to me, leave it to me that I will find something to have a complex or guilt about. In order to display his sketchbooks, I am going to have to take them out of the sketchbook. I feel guilty over that. It doesn't seem right to tear them out and ruin the sketchbook itself. Yes, I will still have the work from it, but its not the same. It will no longer be his sketchbook then. Just his work. I have actually had an issue with this so bad to the point that David examined the wire rings on the sketchbook and has came up with a way for me to get the art off the wire wring without tearing the art, the holes it is wired through, or mess the wire ring up an then be able to put them back on the wire so that his sketchbooks will be able to be intact and still be his sketchbooks. I pray to God that his plan works! I believe it will because David is good with stuff like that. I don't think there is anything that that man can't do and do right. He's proved it to me over and over, and I am going to put every bit of faith in him when it comes to this that he will be able to do it the same as he is able to do everything else. Also, for his art shows, Derek always had like postcard flyers made. Something with the details on it, and pictures of his paintings and stuff and I am also going to have some made for it. I am excited to get to design them and have them made, and I am up for the challenge of making it as perfect as possible for Derek.
Now, I will honestly do you the honor of shutting up. I know this one was a jumbled up, crazy mess but what can I say? Welcome to my mind! Hopefully, I haven't made you think I am crazier than I already have or am. Like I said, my mind is not on Que right now. Thoughts and images I never in my life dreamed of thinking cross it's path every single day. Everyone keeps telling me that in time it will get easier, and I am waiting to see if that is even possible. Even if time does not make the heartache I have for my brother get any easier, I pray that it helps my mind quit with the obsessive, morbid, crazy thinking it is doing on me right now. Derek and I used to always laugh and joke about how we weren't the most normal people in the world but we were the most normal of our family, and for us to be the "normal ones" it really showed how messed up the rest of them are. I am not so sure that the apple didn't fall far from the tree when it comes to me right now.. I think I officially have been set into the classification of dysfunctional with the rest of them. Hopefully, this apple never stops rolling and I roll my way out from under the apple tree, and end up in the orange grove and get back to the place I know. The place I call Kacie.
Where to start? Where to start? Um, how about in my head? Not sure that my head is the safest place to start... but here goes. Now, before reading this, please refrain from thinking I am crazy. I myself have been thinking I am and that is enough to tear my mind in thousand different directions, let alone thinking the rest of the world thinks it too. Plus, If I am thinking it, and everyone else does, then that would imply that it may just possibly be true. To think I have complexes now, could you imagine what type that would bring on? Geesh! :)
It's been 8 weeks as of Sunday that Derek passed away. People keep telling me that it will get easier in time, but lately it seems as if it has just gotten worse on me. No matter what I do, where I go, what I see, I think of him. I have remembered things that I had even forgotten happened or that we did. Although I am thankful that these thoughts and memories are coming to me piece by piece, and it is allowing me to make sure I never forget a single thing about him, it is almost haunting to me. My mind has literally became almost obsessed with him. And while saying that, why do I feel guilty for feeling that way? I want to hold on to him and remember him and love him forever, so why do I get frustrated with the way my mind is when it comes to him? I don't really know how to explain it, or explain the way it makes me feel. It's not a bad feeling I have about him being on my mind constantly. Maybe frustrating to me as bad as I hate to even put the thought of my brother and frustrating into the same sentence. It's frustrating I think because it is ruling my mind. I feel so out of control, and not myself. That is what frustrates me. It has taken me a long time, a lot of heartache, and a lot of advice in order for me to realize who I truly am as a person, and to be able to accept it 100% and be happy about it. And now that I was finally to a point in my life to where I loved who I am, my mind has me doubting everything. Right now, my mind has a sense of insecurity and I am not satisfied with it. For once I had gotten used to myself and my thinking, and now with it out of control, I feel helpless. I guess once I had gotten used to having control of my mind, it is scary not being in control of it. Speaking of scary... ever since every thing with Derek, every thing scares me. The fact that I now realize that nothing is ever certain in life, and life itself is not certain, scares me. Night time is the worst for me as it is, let alone now having all of these fears coming out in me. I lay in the bed and no matter how tired I am, and how exhausted I think I am before actually laying down, once I do, I just lay there and think. I think about all of the memories with my brother, think about how much I miss him, if he ever truly knew what he meant to me and how much I loved him, if he knew he was dieing, why he had to die, you name it and I think it. I have so many questions in me that will never be answered. My mind is just a rambled mess. Hence why this blog is jumping from one thought to another in the same rambled mess sequence my brain exhibits daily now.
The past few days I have been so angry. I am so mad at the world about Derek. And as bad as this may sound, I am angry at God for taking Derek. He was so special and did so much for everyone that ever knew him, I can't find a reason in my mind or heart as to why God would want to take him away. The people that do so much wrong in their lives are still here, yet someone like Derek wasn't allowed the chance to live life. He may have had 33 years but he deserved 99. I'm mad that I didn't talk to Derek on that Saturday before. I never called him that day, and he never called me. No big deal at the time.. but now, if I had it to do over, and if I had ever for a second thought it would be his last day here... I am mad that I may be able to talk to him out loud now and tell him how much I love him and need him but I can't hear him and won't ever be able to hug him again. I'm mad at what this has done to our family. Mad that I cant accept it. Mad that mom is crazy. Just mad. Mad that people believe me when I say I'm okay. It may seem as if I am smiling and okay, but I promise that is no smile. It is more like me gritting my teeth to the extent that they could chip at any moment, and gritting them so hard it looks as if my lips are curled into the shape of a smile. But, that is no smile.
Last night we were watching the Ring two. Just relaxing on the couch, and David put that movie in because he knows I love scary movies. And believe it or not, I had never seen the second one. While laying across David's lap watching it, I started thinking of Derek. When the first ring came out, my friend Tabatha and I were at the house watching it, and Derek was actually living at home at the time too. I'm not sure what he did to make it happen, but he played an awful trick on us. He made the DVD player to where it wouldn't let us take the movie out, and it was playing the video that they all watch and die afterwards. It freaked me and Tabatha out so bad that we were in the bedroom screaming at the top of our lungs over it. Of course, Derek came in snickering and laughing over it, and then it was all fun and games. But before that, we just knew the phone was about to ring and we in fact would be dead in 7 days. Keep in mind, we were 17yrs old when this happened also. :) But as I layed there and thought about that, my brain then took off in a whole different direction. A direction that disturbed me. One that I did not like and one that I am not sure as to how or why it would even go there. But as I watched the movie and I would see all of the people's faces all dark in color and distorted after the girl would come out of the TV and get them... I for some reason, started relating it to Derek. I started picturing him on the couch, dead. No, I didn't picture him looking like the people on the movie, but I started picturing what I guess I thought he would look like with all of the details that I have been told. Almost one of those things that you really don't want to know, but you have to ask. Also one of those things you really don't and wouldn't want to see but yet if someone had a picture, you would have to look just so you could know. And as the movie went on, instead of me being able to picture my brother the way he was when he was alive, or picture him in his casket, I pictured him before anybody had gotten there. This actually took over my mind so bad, I can't even tell you what happened in the movie. And this disturbs me. Why in the world was my brain thinking so morbidly? Why would I even think that way or why would my brain even want to think that way? It is because I do have so many questions that can never be answered about his death? I am not even sure that thinking this way is normal... hopefully, it is something that will not come back to my mind again. And after thinking that way, when it was time to go to bed, I layed in there and started thinking about even more stuff that scared me. I started thinking about the question of whether Derek knew something was wrong or not which led me into thinking what if something were to happen to me. I'm a hard sleeper and it takes a hell of a lot to wake me up. David gets up every morning with his alarm, gets dressed and everything in the bedroom and I never hear him at all. I have no clue that he is even out of bed and gone until I myself wake up. Strange how I don't hear his alarm, yet I hear mine now that I think about it! But, I started thinking that if something were to happen to me in my sleep, he would never think anything of it that I was just laying there in the bed, not moving while he was up and getting ready or work. And then when he went to work, if he tried to call, it would not surprise him if I did not answer because I am the worst about not answering the phone when I just don't feel like it. So if something were to happen to me in my sleep, he'd never know it probably and then I would just be laying there in the bed and nobody would have a clue. Well then I started thinking about what if it happened and then Trenton woke up and came in there to try and wake me up to tell me he was up. I started picturing him being scared and crying and not knowing what to do, and started thinking about him not knowing how to use my cell phone to call someone. I literally freaked myself out so bad last night I had to get up and calm down. I don't know if I am just having some anxiety with all of this or like I said earlier, If I am just going crazy, but my mind can not handle these thoughts. I say it cant handle them, and I know it cant, but why does it keep it up? How do I stop it? And while thinking about this, and freaking out, I then started thinking about whether or not Trenton would ever know how much I love him? Would he ever know what he means to me? Pretty much the same questions I ask myself about my brother and if he ever knew what he meant to me and how much I loved him.
And now that I have really made myself look crazy, I do have something big to talk about. ESPN is talking about doing "The DEREK BYRD award". It will be an award that they give out to someone every year in the master control room that pretty much exhibits everything Derek was. A good worker, dependable, good people skills, etc. When I heard this, I got so excited I cant even describe it! I mean, how honoring is that?!?! I know Derek is not the first employee in ESPN history to pass away, yet they don't have awards. (well, not that I know of put it that way.) And I have been so afraid that Derek would just be another number in and out the door to them up there, that over time, he would be forgotten. But this let me know that he is not going to be forgotten, that they cared for him and loved him so much they refuse to let him be forgotten the same way I refuse it. And not only are they keeping his memory alive, now even the new employees that come to work there will get to feel as if they knew Derek too. They will strive to be like him in order to get this award. I of course thought the sun set and rised in Derek, but I know now that I am not the only one that felt that way.
Also, I was sent a picture of the memorial they have set up for Derek at ESPN. It is a picture, and a vase of orange flowers. He loved Orange! And while looking at this picture and having yet another overwhelming feeling come across me by knowing how much they cared for him, I realized something. The orange flowers they arranged in the vase next to his picture, are in fact the exact same orange flowers that were on his casket. Identical! To look at both, you would think that the same person picked the flowers for bother his blanket on the casket, and this vase. And the strange thing is, the person that was in charge of the flowers was not able to make it to the funeral so she had no idea what flowers were used at it. She and I both agreed that he must have been with her at the craft store. :)
Speaking of him being us.... there have been so many thing that I strongly believe he has made happen in life for a reason since his passing. I believe he is with me, and is watching and listening to me every single day. You may not believe in things like that yourself, but you could never convince me otherwise. Some of the things people would probably say are by coincidence and that I am just relating them to Derek and finding anything that I possibly can to believe it is him. Kinda like when you go to a psychic or read your horoscope. At times it seems so dead on that you cant help but believe in it for a minute, but then you always have that certain person that doubts everything. Mr. or Mrs. pessimistic if you would say. And they bring it to your attention that the horoscope is so broadly worded that you can relate it to almost anything going on in your life. Yes, at times that may be the case but as far as my signs from Derek, nope! Not that way at all! The other night I was wanting to burn a candle and had burned all of mine up and just haven't went and bought any new ones. Right after telling David that I wished I had a new good smelling candle to burn since the house was all nice and clean, we somehow ended up in the other room looking in a box of Derek's that had movies in it. While looking through the DVDs in the box, I opened another box to see if it had more in it and I found candles. Naturally, whats a girl to do other than pick them up and start smelling of them? There was one huge Yankee candle jar candle that I pulled the lid off and smelled of that I loved. It had never been burned, and after sitting and contemplating on it for a moment, I decided to take it in the living room and use it. After lighting it and sitting it on the coffee table, I looked down and out of all the names for a candle to have, this one was called "Sparkling Angel". Think about it seriously, what are the odds of that? At that moment, I knew Derek was listening to me.
Speaking of the candle and his DVDs... I also have now had this feeling of guilt come over me when it comes to his things. After lighting the candle and burning it, I felt guilty using it. It is not mine to use, it is his. I am sure he wouldn't mind for me to have it, but I still feel wrong by it. I feel wrong adding his DVDs on the shelf to mine. I also have his car. At first, I felt like I was doing something terribly wrong by driving it, and it didn't feel right to me. Now the option of taking over the payments, paying it off, or letting it go back has came up. Within the next few weeks, I have to make a decision on it. I don't even know where to begin with it. I don't want to take over the payments on it because it is not a car that really fits my needs. It's extremely small, and only 2 door, and a stick shift. It is a very nice car, and way better than my cavalier so right now, I like it even though it is not a car that I myself would pick out. I feel like if I am going to be paying that much a month for something it needs to be something that I want and that accommodates me because my intentions are to make car payments and pay it off and then keep it until the wheels fall off. Pretty much what I have done with the cavalier. I hate debt, and am not a person that gets a car and then trades it in and builds up all of this money I will never be able to pay off. Then, I have thought about paying it off and then I wouldn't have a payment on it, and I could still get a new car and being I wouldn't have to make car payments on Derek's, I could still afford the payments on another new car. And then the thought that maybe I should let it go back since it's not exactly what I need, and even if I do pay it off, I would still have to be able to afford the insurance on it along with my car and David's truck. But when the thought of letting it go back comes to me, I feel horrible guilt over it. Everyone says they don't know why I feel this way and that it is silly, but I feel like I am doing something wrong by letting it go back. Almost like I am letting a piece of Derek go or something. I don't really know how to explain it... either way, I have to make a decision pretty quick.
His art! ESPN is also wanting me to get prints of his art made, which they are also going to pay to have done and shipped to them in order for them to hang them up in the building. How freaking awesome is that?! For one, obviously that place only has sports stuff for the decor, so for them to want to hang his stuff up is amazing to me. And of course they have all of the big time sports people in and out all of the time, and the thought that these "celebrities" may be stopping to admire his work excites me. Derek would be so excited! And also one of his very, very best friends Anette, has a friend with an art gallery in Louisville. Derek had numerous art shows in L-ville before, and even some in New York City, and art was his god given passion. She has talked to her friend and we are going to be having an art show with his work in a few months. Obviously, his work will not be for sale, but people can still come and admire it as they always have. His friends that have paintings he had given them are going to loan them to me in order to add them to the show, and we are going to display all of his sketchbook work. I am still mad that someone stole his other art and I don't have it, but that is a whole different topic. As exciting as this is to me, leave it to me that I will find something to have a complex or guilt about. In order to display his sketchbooks, I am going to have to take them out of the sketchbook. I feel guilty over that. It doesn't seem right to tear them out and ruin the sketchbook itself. Yes, I will still have the work from it, but its not the same. It will no longer be his sketchbook then. Just his work. I have actually had an issue with this so bad to the point that David examined the wire rings on the sketchbook and has came up with a way for me to get the art off the wire wring without tearing the art, the holes it is wired through, or mess the wire ring up an then be able to put them back on the wire so that his sketchbooks will be able to be intact and still be his sketchbooks. I pray to God that his plan works! I believe it will because David is good with stuff like that. I don't think there is anything that that man can't do and do right. He's proved it to me over and over, and I am going to put every bit of faith in him when it comes to this that he will be able to do it the same as he is able to do everything else. Also, for his art shows, Derek always had like postcard flyers made. Something with the details on it, and pictures of his paintings and stuff and I am also going to have some made for it. I am excited to get to design them and have them made, and I am up for the challenge of making it as perfect as possible for Derek.
Now, I will honestly do you the honor of shutting up. I know this one was a jumbled up, crazy mess but what can I say? Welcome to my mind! Hopefully, I haven't made you think I am crazier than I already have or am. Like I said, my mind is not on Que right now. Thoughts and images I never in my life dreamed of thinking cross it's path every single day. Everyone keeps telling me that in time it will get easier, and I am waiting to see if that is even possible. Even if time does not make the heartache I have for my brother get any easier, I pray that it helps my mind quit with the obsessive, morbid, crazy thinking it is doing on me right now. Derek and I used to always laugh and joke about how we weren't the most normal people in the world but we were the most normal of our family, and for us to be the "normal ones" it really showed how messed up the rest of them are. I am not so sure that the apple didn't fall far from the tree when it comes to me right now.. I think I officially have been set into the classification of dysfunctional with the rest of them. Hopefully, this apple never stops rolling and I roll my way out from under the apple tree, and end up in the orange grove and get back to the place I know. The place I call Kacie.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Dead Bolted Honesty
Although I have considered constructing a new blog for the past few days, there just really hasn't been anything that has came to mind to really write about. I guess you could say, I have been in one of those "blah" moods for the past week even though our weather has been amazing. And of course, now it is back to winter and according to the weather channel, it is going to be this way for a while before it ever warms back up again. Just great huh? Not exactly what this "blahness" in me needs but what can I do? Move to a tropical paradise? Um, yes please!
For the past few days, not that it is out of the ordinary, but I have really had my brother on my mind. Everything I see, everything I do, everything I think of is something that has to do with him. I see something and it reminds me of him, I do something and it reminds me of something we used to do together, and everything I sit and think about is him. The other night I was the only one still up and all I could sit and think about was how I would give anything to be able to talk to him again. At least just one more time and I'd settle for it only being 2 minutes. But in those 2 minutes, I'd assure him of how much I love him, over and over. I tell him all the time, but it's not the same. There is no comparison really.
Often, I wonder why when people ask me how I am, I say I'm okay when really I am not. Why is it so hard for me to admit that everything isn't okay and that I am not sure that it will ever be? Is it because I think they feel obliged to ask or else it would be rude, and to keep the conversation from getting awkward and from me getting upset, I fake a smile and say I'm okay? Or is it the fact that I am scared to admit how I truly feel and have to accept that within myself? Kind of like if I finally admit to it, then it is real. Yes, its my fault for lieing to people but at the same time, I wonder if they truly ever knew me, how could they possibly for a second believe that I am okay when I say it? Some know and see through the lies and fake smiles, but others, they are oblivious to the truth of the way I feel.
Then of course you have the friends that keep assuring you that they are there for you, which you know they are not because they have never been there for you before other than to be one of the first people to quickly bring you up in order to talk about you and to compare and contrast how great they are compared to you. It takes everything in me for me not to tell them to go to hell and shut up, and then hang up the phone. They even ask "do you think I am a good friend and that I am here for you?" WHAT? why would you have to ask what I think if you were truly a good one, you would know it. People are really starting to get under my skin. Not just friends. Just people in this world in general. And no, I am no referring to all of my friends because there have been a very select few, but they know who they are that have been by my side through thick and thin. Not just during this horrible milestone in my life, but every other thing good and bad. And for them, I am truly thankful. Yes, I have a bad habit of not really calling people back in general, and more so now because I have somehow managed to seclude myself these past couple of weeks more so than ever, but I know when I do call, our conversations will pick up right where we left off. I am always there for them, but being I don't call often, I can see why some would assume that I am not. So, with that being said, that is something that I myself am going to work on from here on out. Calling and visiting and reminding them that I am there for them the same as they are for me. We may all know it, but every now and then a good reminded never hurts. A pat on the back if you would like to refer to it as....
Trenton. The love of my life! The twinkle in my eye! That little boy just does something for my heart like no other person in this world. I look at him and automatically have the biggest rush of overwhelming love come across me. He is my reason for being. My reason for hope in the future. I mean, I look at that little guy and wonder sometimes how anybody could possibly look at their child and not believe in God? He is the most precious gift I have ever been given, and something I would never take advantage of. It kills me how some mothers are towards their kids. I don't know how in the world they can lay down and sleep at night and not any remorse about it. If I have to scold Trenton with a stern voice, I feel guilty at times. Of course with him being the most tender hearted little boy you've ever seen, and also being a very well behaved one at that, me having to use a stern voice does not happen often, so when it does, it tears his and my heart both into pieces. For instance, the other night he was in a very rowdy mood. Yes, he runs around playing and is full of laughter every day, but he was just right out hyped up and as rambunctious as an 8yr old can get that night. After telling him to calm down and get ready for bed numerous times and him still running wide open, and it being way past his bedtime, I got frustrated and scolded him and told him to get in the bed. Well, you would think that I just burned his toy collection when I said that to him. He instantly started crying and said "mommy, you just hurt my feelings" Naturally, then my feelings were hurt at the thought of hurting his feelings. No, not at the fact that it was past bed time and I was making him go to bed but because he is so not used to me raising my voice in the least little bit. Trenton is the type of kid that I can talk to him and explain things to him, and that is where it ends. I don't have to spank him or yell at him. I talk to him the same as I would if it were an adult sitting beside of me. Always have been that way with him. So for me to even raise my voice in a tone that is hateful in the least bit, it throws us both off guard. If you know me well, then you will know where exactly I am coming from with this statement, and you will know exactly what I am referring to, but Trenton and I have a relationship that is different. Me being a single mother and it just being the 2 of us as a team for 7 years has given us a bond that is indescribable. And to the part that you will know what I mean, I feel like the poor little guy has had it rough in a lot of ways, and to think that I hurt his feelings and add to any of that, breaks my heart. It seriously gives me a complex. I don't want to be a part of what he may possibly grow up to resent. Yes, I am sure you all are wondering what in the world I am talking about, and thinking I am just talking crazy.. but like I said, those of you who know me, know where I am coming from on this. And that is where I will leave that thought before I really start to sound silly.
Speaking of Trenton getting upset... he has had some issues in the past few months with not wanting to get his homework done, and not getting his worksheets done in class. None of us get it because he is in all of the advanced classes and knows the work like the back of his hand but he insists that he does not need to do his worksheets because he already knows them. Honestly, sometimes I do get his point behind it, but at the same time, it's something he has to do and has to learn that he has to do whether or not he thinks he needs to or not. So having these issues with the homework, the other night he had came to me out of the blue and said "mama, I just think I'm gonna do my homework now." I was ecstatic! He was eager to do it and wasn't going to give anyone a hard time on it. So he got his backpack out, opened his folder, and instantly his facial expression just changed. I literally sat there and watched his little heart just fall to the ground. When he went to get his folder out, there was no folder. He had left his homework folder and his agenda that I am to sign every night at school. As I seen his face change, then the tears started to come. Now these tears weren't a whining type of tear, they were true tears of disappointment and discouragement. Naturally, I had him come to me and get up in my lap to try and comfort him and find out why he was so upset, and while doing this he said "Now I will have 4 pages for study hall. I already have 2 from last week because I didn't get them done in class, and now I will have 4 and I won't get to play at recess. I just wanted to try hard so I could get to play since you said it's going to be pretty outside tomorrow." When he told me that, I felt so sorry for the little guy! Here he was putting for the effort, and it was ruined straight off the bat before he even made it to the classroom the next day. So, whats mommy's do? They always come up with a solution to try and fix the problem. I told him that if he got up earlier than usual, and got up when I told him to, we would leave the house early to go inside his classroom to get his work and take it back out to the car in order for him to get to finish it. Of course I had to explain to him that this would also mean that he would have to miss his morning of Pokemon, but he agreed and to bed we went. The next morning, I made sure I got up and ready in time, and he did the same without wanting to sleep later, and off to the school we went. As we got to his classroom, his teacher was there and even asked what he was doing there so early, and Trenton explained to her, and then he asked her if he could possibly try to get his other 2 pages done that was supposed to be done in study hall so that he could have a clean slate. To his surprise, she agreed. And on our way to the car, Trenton said "mama, I am just doing these 2 study hall papers first because I told Mrs. Richardson that I would get them done if she gave me the chance and I need to make sure that I keep my word so she can believe me when I tell her something right?" Talk about a proud mommy moment!! I just thought that was so grown up of him to think that way and to know that when you give someone your word, you are supposed to stick to it. And to make the morning even better for me and him both, we went to the car and the little sucker had his work done in less than 6 minutes. All 4 pages completed. He was now free of study hall and has been ever since! Every afternoon that we have had on these pretty days, I have stopped and thought about how much fun he is having being able to actually run and play at recess instead of having to walk laps and be in study hall, and apparently Trenton has enjoyed it quite a bit because he has not been back to study hall since. Not only did he keep his word to me about getting up and not fussing about how early we had to leave or fussing about missing pokemon, he kept his word to his teacher and has also kept his word when he told me that morning that he was going to try extra hard to make sure that he stays out of study hall. :)
While I was just telling or should I say typing the story of Trenton's honesty, and me being so proud of him for it and it being something I embrace in him daily, I started thinking about why it is so hard for me to be honest with people about how I truly feel right now? If I am planting the seed of it in Trenton and watering it daily in hopes that it grows into a beautiful exotic flower that's petals never fall off, why am I not able to think the same for myself? Yes, I am an honest person to a fault. I often hurt people's feelings when they ask me for my opinion (not intentionally, but don't ask me what I think and then get mad because I tell you what I think. I've never understood why people do that. Ever. And never will. Ever.) And I am able to be so open about everything else in my life, yet when it comes to my heart it seems as if I have it encaged in a steel case, dead bolted, chain locked, with a key to never be found. Maybe if I am able to slowly start unlocking the dozens of locks, and start to crack the door to the steel case slowly letting a little fresh air in at a time, eventually I will be able to leave the door wide open letting everything in my breathe for once. Hmm... now that's a thought!
Other than my life and heart being consumed by 2 people that I loved and love more than anything, Derek and Trenton, I can't say that anything much other than what I've talked about has happened around my crazy world of living. Not the most exciting blog, but maybe this one will spark something up in me to get back on track with these things. Therapeutical they are for me!
For the past few days, not that it is out of the ordinary, but I have really had my brother on my mind. Everything I see, everything I do, everything I think of is something that has to do with him. I see something and it reminds me of him, I do something and it reminds me of something we used to do together, and everything I sit and think about is him. The other night I was the only one still up and all I could sit and think about was how I would give anything to be able to talk to him again. At least just one more time and I'd settle for it only being 2 minutes. But in those 2 minutes, I'd assure him of how much I love him, over and over. I tell him all the time, but it's not the same. There is no comparison really.
Often, I wonder why when people ask me how I am, I say I'm okay when really I am not. Why is it so hard for me to admit that everything isn't okay and that I am not sure that it will ever be? Is it because I think they feel obliged to ask or else it would be rude, and to keep the conversation from getting awkward and from me getting upset, I fake a smile and say I'm okay? Or is it the fact that I am scared to admit how I truly feel and have to accept that within myself? Kind of like if I finally admit to it, then it is real. Yes, its my fault for lieing to people but at the same time, I wonder if they truly ever knew me, how could they possibly for a second believe that I am okay when I say it? Some know and see through the lies and fake smiles, but others, they are oblivious to the truth of the way I feel.
Then of course you have the friends that keep assuring you that they are there for you, which you know they are not because they have never been there for you before other than to be one of the first people to quickly bring you up in order to talk about you and to compare and contrast how great they are compared to you. It takes everything in me for me not to tell them to go to hell and shut up, and then hang up the phone. They even ask "do you think I am a good friend and that I am here for you?" WHAT? why would you have to ask what I think if you were truly a good one, you would know it. People are really starting to get under my skin. Not just friends. Just people in this world in general. And no, I am no referring to all of my friends because there have been a very select few, but they know who they are that have been by my side through thick and thin. Not just during this horrible milestone in my life, but every other thing good and bad. And for them, I am truly thankful. Yes, I have a bad habit of not really calling people back in general, and more so now because I have somehow managed to seclude myself these past couple of weeks more so than ever, but I know when I do call, our conversations will pick up right where we left off. I am always there for them, but being I don't call often, I can see why some would assume that I am not. So, with that being said, that is something that I myself am going to work on from here on out. Calling and visiting and reminding them that I am there for them the same as they are for me. We may all know it, but every now and then a good reminded never hurts. A pat on the back if you would like to refer to it as....
Trenton. The love of my life! The twinkle in my eye! That little boy just does something for my heart like no other person in this world. I look at him and automatically have the biggest rush of overwhelming love come across me. He is my reason for being. My reason for hope in the future. I mean, I look at that little guy and wonder sometimes how anybody could possibly look at their child and not believe in God? He is the most precious gift I have ever been given, and something I would never take advantage of. It kills me how some mothers are towards their kids. I don't know how in the world they can lay down and sleep at night and not any remorse about it. If I have to scold Trenton with a stern voice, I feel guilty at times. Of course with him being the most tender hearted little boy you've ever seen, and also being a very well behaved one at that, me having to use a stern voice does not happen often, so when it does, it tears his and my heart both into pieces. For instance, the other night he was in a very rowdy mood. Yes, he runs around playing and is full of laughter every day, but he was just right out hyped up and as rambunctious as an 8yr old can get that night. After telling him to calm down and get ready for bed numerous times and him still running wide open, and it being way past his bedtime, I got frustrated and scolded him and told him to get in the bed. Well, you would think that I just burned his toy collection when I said that to him. He instantly started crying and said "mommy, you just hurt my feelings" Naturally, then my feelings were hurt at the thought of hurting his feelings. No, not at the fact that it was past bed time and I was making him go to bed but because he is so not used to me raising my voice in the least little bit. Trenton is the type of kid that I can talk to him and explain things to him, and that is where it ends. I don't have to spank him or yell at him. I talk to him the same as I would if it were an adult sitting beside of me. Always have been that way with him. So for me to even raise my voice in a tone that is hateful in the least bit, it throws us both off guard. If you know me well, then you will know where exactly I am coming from with this statement, and you will know exactly what I am referring to, but Trenton and I have a relationship that is different. Me being a single mother and it just being the 2 of us as a team for 7 years has given us a bond that is indescribable. And to the part that you will know what I mean, I feel like the poor little guy has had it rough in a lot of ways, and to think that I hurt his feelings and add to any of that, breaks my heart. It seriously gives me a complex. I don't want to be a part of what he may possibly grow up to resent. Yes, I am sure you all are wondering what in the world I am talking about, and thinking I am just talking crazy.. but like I said, those of you who know me, know where I am coming from on this. And that is where I will leave that thought before I really start to sound silly.
Speaking of Trenton getting upset... he has had some issues in the past few months with not wanting to get his homework done, and not getting his worksheets done in class. None of us get it because he is in all of the advanced classes and knows the work like the back of his hand but he insists that he does not need to do his worksheets because he already knows them. Honestly, sometimes I do get his point behind it, but at the same time, it's something he has to do and has to learn that he has to do whether or not he thinks he needs to or not. So having these issues with the homework, the other night he had came to me out of the blue and said "mama, I just think I'm gonna do my homework now." I was ecstatic! He was eager to do it and wasn't going to give anyone a hard time on it. So he got his backpack out, opened his folder, and instantly his facial expression just changed. I literally sat there and watched his little heart just fall to the ground. When he went to get his folder out, there was no folder. He had left his homework folder and his agenda that I am to sign every night at school. As I seen his face change, then the tears started to come. Now these tears weren't a whining type of tear, they were true tears of disappointment and discouragement. Naturally, I had him come to me and get up in my lap to try and comfort him and find out why he was so upset, and while doing this he said "Now I will have 4 pages for study hall. I already have 2 from last week because I didn't get them done in class, and now I will have 4 and I won't get to play at recess. I just wanted to try hard so I could get to play since you said it's going to be pretty outside tomorrow." When he told me that, I felt so sorry for the little guy! Here he was putting for the effort, and it was ruined straight off the bat before he even made it to the classroom the next day. So, whats mommy's do? They always come up with a solution to try and fix the problem. I told him that if he got up earlier than usual, and got up when I told him to, we would leave the house early to go inside his classroom to get his work and take it back out to the car in order for him to get to finish it. Of course I had to explain to him that this would also mean that he would have to miss his morning of Pokemon, but he agreed and to bed we went. The next morning, I made sure I got up and ready in time, and he did the same without wanting to sleep later, and off to the school we went. As we got to his classroom, his teacher was there and even asked what he was doing there so early, and Trenton explained to her, and then he asked her if he could possibly try to get his other 2 pages done that was supposed to be done in study hall so that he could have a clean slate. To his surprise, she agreed. And on our way to the car, Trenton said "mama, I am just doing these 2 study hall papers first because I told Mrs. Richardson that I would get them done if she gave me the chance and I need to make sure that I keep my word so she can believe me when I tell her something right?" Talk about a proud mommy moment!! I just thought that was so grown up of him to think that way and to know that when you give someone your word, you are supposed to stick to it. And to make the morning even better for me and him both, we went to the car and the little sucker had his work done in less than 6 minutes. All 4 pages completed. He was now free of study hall and has been ever since! Every afternoon that we have had on these pretty days, I have stopped and thought about how much fun he is having being able to actually run and play at recess instead of having to walk laps and be in study hall, and apparently Trenton has enjoyed it quite a bit because he has not been back to study hall since. Not only did he keep his word to me about getting up and not fussing about how early we had to leave or fussing about missing pokemon, he kept his word to his teacher and has also kept his word when he told me that morning that he was going to try extra hard to make sure that he stays out of study hall. :)
While I was just telling or should I say typing the story of Trenton's honesty, and me being so proud of him for it and it being something I embrace in him daily, I started thinking about why it is so hard for me to be honest with people about how I truly feel right now? If I am planting the seed of it in Trenton and watering it daily in hopes that it grows into a beautiful exotic flower that's petals never fall off, why am I not able to think the same for myself? Yes, I am an honest person to a fault. I often hurt people's feelings when they ask me for my opinion (not intentionally, but don't ask me what I think and then get mad because I tell you what I think. I've never understood why people do that. Ever. And never will. Ever.) And I am able to be so open about everything else in my life, yet when it comes to my heart it seems as if I have it encaged in a steel case, dead bolted, chain locked, with a key to never be found. Maybe if I am able to slowly start unlocking the dozens of locks, and start to crack the door to the steel case slowly letting a little fresh air in at a time, eventually I will be able to leave the door wide open letting everything in my breathe for once. Hmm... now that's a thought!
Other than my life and heart being consumed by 2 people that I loved and love more than anything, Derek and Trenton, I can't say that anything much other than what I've talked about has happened around my crazy world of living. Not the most exciting blog, but maybe this one will spark something up in me to get back on track with these things. Therapeutical they are for me!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Fast forward to tomorrow please
Today? Let me put it this way, if it were up to me, I would have been hitting fast forward to tomorrow as soon as my feet hit the floor. Again, I was up at 4 am and not able to sleep, so my day started way earlier than I ever expected it to when I went to bed at 1 am last night. If my day is going to start that early, I want it to be a good one. Today was not.
Just the rain and gloom in the air alone we had today is enough to make the happiest of people frown let alone someone like me who seems to be down and out every single day nearly here lately. I've never needed spring to come so soon! So my down and outness plus this weather is not making a good combination for me...
Mom and I went to BG today and although we had a good day, neither of us were on top of the world with laughter like we were Saturday. For the first time ever, I think mom and I both had an understanding of how each other felt today. Although there was no fussing, or hatefulness between us, it was obvious that we were both under the weather and tired. She too had a sleepless night last night. Needless to say, the trip was a fairly quick one and I was back and in the car line to pick up Trenton. I think that was possibly the most exciting part of my day today. No matter what, that boy picks me up every time!
And as bad as I wish I could say that we had a totally fun filled evening around the house tonight, we didn't. David, me, Trenton, and Josie all fell asleep together on the couch for about an hour and after that, it was just the usual routine. All of us were wore out and just kinda blah tonight.. even Trenton which is rare within it's own because he is always, always full of laughter and life. But even though we weren't the usual spunky group running around and carrying on with laughter, we were together so what more could I ask for?
Today has just been awful on my mind. I have literally thought about my brother all day long. And today, I was not able to think about him and smile. I thought about him and was sad. And tonight, as I am the only one still awake as I type this, I wish more than ever that I could pick up the phone and talk to him. Right now is when I would normally be talking to him and it is killing me tonight that I can't. Sure i can talk to him, but I want to hear him. Hear his voice. Hear his laugh. Hear him breathe. Back in high school when my little sweethearts and I would break up, I thought I knew what it meant to have a broken heart. Let me tell ya, that wasn't nothing! I now know the true definition of a broken heart. My heart breaks that Derek is no longer here. It breaks that he is no longer able to be everything he ever was that meant so much to me and everyone that ever knew him. It breaks that Trenton no longer will be able to experience life with him. And it breaks my heart that Derek isn't here to experience Trenton and be able to brag about how he had the best nephew in the world. I honestly think I am almost angered that he isn't here. It angers me to see people that do so much wrong, and cause so many other people to suffer, yet they are still here living it up. But Derek, one of the most caring, loving, considerate, compassionate, funny, smart, ambitious, therapeutic people you could ever meet, is not. What has this other person done to deserve to stay but Derek being everything and so much more than I mentioned was robbed of it? I know life is unfair. But this is truly just that... unfair! I've never missed someone so much in my life.
I do believe the weather is supposed to warm up the next few days.. goodness I sure hope so! I don't know how many more of days like today my mind and heart are going to be able to take. For once, I am almost speechless today. It's a blah day and it just so happens to be so blah, I am going to try and call it a night in an effort to end this awful day in hopes of a better one in the morning. Hopefully starting at 6 am instead of 4!
Just the rain and gloom in the air alone we had today is enough to make the happiest of people frown let alone someone like me who seems to be down and out every single day nearly here lately. I've never needed spring to come so soon! So my down and outness plus this weather is not making a good combination for me...
Mom and I went to BG today and although we had a good day, neither of us were on top of the world with laughter like we were Saturday. For the first time ever, I think mom and I both had an understanding of how each other felt today. Although there was no fussing, or hatefulness between us, it was obvious that we were both under the weather and tired. She too had a sleepless night last night. Needless to say, the trip was a fairly quick one and I was back and in the car line to pick up Trenton. I think that was possibly the most exciting part of my day today. No matter what, that boy picks me up every time!
And as bad as I wish I could say that we had a totally fun filled evening around the house tonight, we didn't. David, me, Trenton, and Josie all fell asleep together on the couch for about an hour and after that, it was just the usual routine. All of us were wore out and just kinda blah tonight.. even Trenton which is rare within it's own because he is always, always full of laughter and life. But even though we weren't the usual spunky group running around and carrying on with laughter, we were together so what more could I ask for?
Today has just been awful on my mind. I have literally thought about my brother all day long. And today, I was not able to think about him and smile. I thought about him and was sad. And tonight, as I am the only one still awake as I type this, I wish more than ever that I could pick up the phone and talk to him. Right now is when I would normally be talking to him and it is killing me tonight that I can't. Sure i can talk to him, but I want to hear him. Hear his voice. Hear his laugh. Hear him breathe. Back in high school when my little sweethearts and I would break up, I thought I knew what it meant to have a broken heart. Let me tell ya, that wasn't nothing! I now know the true definition of a broken heart. My heart breaks that Derek is no longer here. It breaks that he is no longer able to be everything he ever was that meant so much to me and everyone that ever knew him. It breaks that Trenton no longer will be able to experience life with him. And it breaks my heart that Derek isn't here to experience Trenton and be able to brag about how he had the best nephew in the world. I honestly think I am almost angered that he isn't here. It angers me to see people that do so much wrong, and cause so many other people to suffer, yet they are still here living it up. But Derek, one of the most caring, loving, considerate, compassionate, funny, smart, ambitious, therapeutic people you could ever meet, is not. What has this other person done to deserve to stay but Derek being everything and so much more than I mentioned was robbed of it? I know life is unfair. But this is truly just that... unfair! I've never missed someone so much in my life.
I do believe the weather is supposed to warm up the next few days.. goodness I sure hope so! I don't know how many more of days like today my mind and heart are going to be able to take. For once, I am almost speechless today. It's a blah day and it just so happens to be so blah, I am going to try and call it a night in an effort to end this awful day in hopes of a better one in the morning. Hopefully starting at 6 am instead of 4!
Blah!
4 am. Woke up from having a horrible dream about my brother and needless to say, there was no hope of going back to sleep so, I have been up and sitting here ever since. Not exactly the way I wanted to start my day off! Not only does it look like I am going to have one of those days where my brother is on my mind like crazy, but now I am going to be extremely tired, sleepy, and like I always am when I am tired, I will be ill at the world. Hopefully, I will be able to make the best of this long day ahead, and be able to blog tonight talking about how good of a day I actually ended up having. Hopefully being the key word in that last sentence.
One good thing about getting up at 4 am. Normally, my answer would be that there can't be anything good about waking up that early, but by me already being up when David got up to go to work, I did get to spend some time with him this morning. That is a never! I am a sleeper. I must have it, and must have a lot of it. Something that runs in our family because Trenton is the same way, and Derek was always the same. People say that we could sleep through the world coming to an end and never know it. Honestly, they are probably right!
Don't you hate it when you have seen something but then when you are looking for it, you cant find it? I have not been able to find my camera for 2 weeks now and it is driving me crazy! I love taking pictures and not being able to take any is eating me up. I know it is here.. I know it is. I took it with me on the trip to CT to get Derek's things, and when I got back I uploaded the pics of it, but now it is nowhere to be found. Although I have all of the pics uploaded onto my computer, it is really bothering me that I cant find it and the last pics I took with Derek are on that memory card. Strange because you would think that with me having them on the computer, that at least would keep me from freaking out about it. Not like I didn't upload them and now they are gone.... thankfully, I did. But I know it is here. I know I seen it somewhere. But I can not for the life of me figure out where I put it, or why I even apparently hid it from myself? You see, I am an extremely good hider. I put things up so that nothing will happen to them (important papers especially), and then when I need them, I cant remember where I put them. Most of the time, I never find them until we are in the process of moving. Then they always end up being in a place that I swore I looked a million times. But when it comes to anything else in life, I remember everything. And not only do I remember it, but I remember it in great detail. Something that could have some good use, but if it is one of the instances that tend to mind rape you at night, it is awful remembering it with so much detail.
And while I am on a roll, don't you hate it when people always feel like they have to out do the people around them? I mean, really... where in the world does that get you other than disappointed? You would think that with them complaining about money all of the time, they wouldn't dig themselves in an even deeper hole. To hear it from them, they do good to eat. Oh well, it really isnt any of my business. And THANKFULLY, I am in no way like this. The things I cherish most in life, no amount of money could ever buy.
Within the next few minutes, my morning of pokemon and giggles is about to start. Trenton absolutely loves pokemon! He gets so darn excited and tore up over it! He gives me tests about the characters, and always asks me which one is the fire type and which one has this and that, and the newest question: which one weighs the most? Diaga is the answer. :)
I can not wait for the weather to warm up this week! It is going to be beautiful! Sunday is supposed to be 78 degrees and sunny! Gosh, I can't wait! I just wish that it was my weekend for Trenton to be home so that we could go do something in this goregous weather they are calling for. I hate when he is gone. It literally kills me every other weekend. I get so homesick for him and of course, when I try to call and talk to him and never get an answer or a call back, it just crushes me even more. That is something that really angers me. Just because his dad doesnt call to talk to him, ever, does not mean I am the same way. But of course, he does no wrong!
If you havent noticed, I am not in the best spirits this morning. Sucks too because I was really hoping for a good day. Yesterday wasn't bad, but it wasn't great. Definitely wasn't anything like how I felt saturday and sunday. Hopefully this weather coming up will do something for me again. And since I am not in the best of moods and pretty much am just blogging because I am bored at this moment, and in a bad mood and just venting, I will cut this one here. Hopefully, tonights will be a different story.
One good thing about getting up at 4 am. Normally, my answer would be that there can't be anything good about waking up that early, but by me already being up when David got up to go to work, I did get to spend some time with him this morning. That is a never! I am a sleeper. I must have it, and must have a lot of it. Something that runs in our family because Trenton is the same way, and Derek was always the same. People say that we could sleep through the world coming to an end and never know it. Honestly, they are probably right!
Don't you hate it when you have seen something but then when you are looking for it, you cant find it? I have not been able to find my camera for 2 weeks now and it is driving me crazy! I love taking pictures and not being able to take any is eating me up. I know it is here.. I know it is. I took it with me on the trip to CT to get Derek's things, and when I got back I uploaded the pics of it, but now it is nowhere to be found. Although I have all of the pics uploaded onto my computer, it is really bothering me that I cant find it and the last pics I took with Derek are on that memory card. Strange because you would think that with me having them on the computer, that at least would keep me from freaking out about it. Not like I didn't upload them and now they are gone.... thankfully, I did. But I know it is here. I know I seen it somewhere. But I can not for the life of me figure out where I put it, or why I even apparently hid it from myself? You see, I am an extremely good hider. I put things up so that nothing will happen to them (important papers especially), and then when I need them, I cant remember where I put them. Most of the time, I never find them until we are in the process of moving. Then they always end up being in a place that I swore I looked a million times. But when it comes to anything else in life, I remember everything. And not only do I remember it, but I remember it in great detail. Something that could have some good use, but if it is one of the instances that tend to mind rape you at night, it is awful remembering it with so much detail.
And while I am on a roll, don't you hate it when people always feel like they have to out do the people around them? I mean, really... where in the world does that get you other than disappointed? You would think that with them complaining about money all of the time, they wouldn't dig themselves in an even deeper hole. To hear it from them, they do good to eat. Oh well, it really isnt any of my business. And THANKFULLY, I am in no way like this. The things I cherish most in life, no amount of money could ever buy.
Within the next few minutes, my morning of pokemon and giggles is about to start. Trenton absolutely loves pokemon! He gets so darn excited and tore up over it! He gives me tests about the characters, and always asks me which one is the fire type and which one has this and that, and the newest question: which one weighs the most? Diaga is the answer. :)
I can not wait for the weather to warm up this week! It is going to be beautiful! Sunday is supposed to be 78 degrees and sunny! Gosh, I can't wait! I just wish that it was my weekend for Trenton to be home so that we could go do something in this goregous weather they are calling for. I hate when he is gone. It literally kills me every other weekend. I get so homesick for him and of course, when I try to call and talk to him and never get an answer or a call back, it just crushes me even more. That is something that really angers me. Just because his dad doesnt call to talk to him, ever, does not mean I am the same way. But of course, he does no wrong!
If you havent noticed, I am not in the best spirits this morning. Sucks too because I was really hoping for a good day. Yesterday wasn't bad, but it wasn't great. Definitely wasn't anything like how I felt saturday and sunday. Hopefully this weather coming up will do something for me again. And since I am not in the best of moods and pretty much am just blogging because I am bored at this moment, and in a bad mood and just venting, I will cut this one here. Hopefully, tonights will be a different story.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Cheesy grins
First and foremost, I have to start this by bragging about how good of a weekend I have had! It has been great! This weekend has by far been the best weekend I have had in a very, very, very long time. I literally just feel like I am on top of the world today. A feeling I was starting to believe I had forgotten what felt like. And by far, a feeling that I needed to be reminded still exists. And as proudly as you can picture, as I type this, I can say that I do in fact remember this feeling and I am in love!
What better way to start explaining this awesome weekend than starting at the beginning? Friday. For a few weeks now, I had been planning on going to Bowling Green with 2 of my high school color guard friends for a night of girl fun. So as the afternoon approached, like usual, I was running behind but eager to start getting ready to head out. After doing the usual of touching up my make up and fixing my hair, and of course not forgetting to make sure I had my high heels on, the girls were here to get me and we were ready to hit the road! After getting to BG, we went to tidballs to meet up with one of my all time very best friends since 6th grade, Nick, and to watch his band play. And after having a good visit with him and hearing some good music, we went down the street to another bar to hear some dance music. Although that place was deader than a door nail, we played pool and still had a good time. Our night started late, so it seemed as if it flew by but on the way home and after pulling up in my driveway, we started doing the girl thing. Talking. We all talked about things that have happened and things that we think about a lot in life, and how we feel about it, and I can honestly say that some of it felt so good to get off of my chest. And after sitting in the driveway, doing nothing but listening and talking for over an hour, when I came back into the house, I was sitting on the couch winding down for a minute and realized that for one of the first times that night, I was able to talk about my brother and not get horribly saddened. I in fact was able to talk about him, and smile. A huge step for me that evening!
Day 2. Saturday. Also for a week or so now, Mom and I had planned on going to Gallatin and Henderson Tennessee to close Derek's bank account, and to make a day of it with some shopping. If you know me, and you know my mom, you know we love each other to pieces and in fact, both of us don't know what we would ever do without each other. but we are so much alike when it comes to certain things in life, we always bump heads. Derek always said "Kacie your so damn head strong, and she is too. You know what you want, and she does too and neither of you know how to handle it when someone else is just as strong as you." Boy, was he ever right about that! And while I had actually been looking forward to this Saturday, I hate to say it, but at the same time I was almost weary of it. Lately, mom has been an emotional wreck and I myself, have been the same way so talking between us has been hard. Both of us are the type that when we are down, everybody around us knows it. And you know the old saying "when something is wrong people always take it out on the ones they love they most"? That is so very true and that is exactly what mom and I are notorious for doing to each other. So you can only imagine with both of us dealing with everything about Derek how we have been towards each other. It's not that we mean to, or that we don't feel bad afterwards, but its just us. I could try and explain it all day to you but it is just something that you would have to witness in order to understand it fully. But, she is my mama and I love her to pieces. I hope that if there is a such thing as anything good coming from this, it may be that mom and I are able to become closer and have the relationship that we both want that doesn't consist of us being hateful to one another the majority of the time. And after yesterday, I can honestly say that I feel like there is hope in it happening.
We went to the Home Goods store that we both love and spent FOREVER in there. Literally. We had to actually stop shopping and pay for what we had at that moment, put it in the car and go eat lunch before going back to finish up shopping in the store. I love that store! It has the neatest, prettiest home decor for the cheapest prices! And I'm not sure if you know what a Hyundai Accent is, but it is an extremely small car. So for us to be able to fit all of our stuff in it the way we did, and it be crammed to the gill, that alone put a smile on our faces. We laughed and laughed over the car being loaded down the way it was. It definitely held a lot more than we ever dreamed of it holding! And after spending what seemed like endless hours in the home goods store, we made our way over to Ross. I also LOVE Ross! I had never heard of it until David took me to Atlanta for the first time and took me to it insisting that I would love it. He was right. So right that every time we make a trip to Atlanta now, we have to stop by Ross in order for me to spend a minimum of 2 hours in it. So when I found out that we had one close enough to go to around here, I was super excited! Although they have clothes and shoes and its pretty much like a tj maxx, I love the home decor aisles in the back. I bought 2 shirts there yesterday and that is pretty much the only thing I have ever bought there that wasn't home decor. Now, keep in mind that we left Glasgow at 8 am yesterday, and did not get home until 9 pm, and only went to 3 stores. I told you we spent endless hours in the stores! But mom found a bunch of new stuff for her house that she loved, and I myself found more than I ever dreamed of finding for our house, so we have both been back and forth on the phone with each other talking about where we put what and how good it looks. :) Also, I found a picture at the home goods store that is the prettiest things you've ever seen and being it was kinda pricey and wouldn't allow myself to buy it, mom volunteered to get it for me and let it be part of an early mother's day gift for me. It's beautiful! It's made like a shadow box, with a silver frame, creme colored background, and its wider than it is tall and has 3 paper flowers that go straight across it. And the flowers are 3 dimensional. Not sure how to explain it, but it's gorgeous! I cant wait until I figure out exactly where to put it and get it hung up! And on top of that, I got oodles and oodles of other new things. Oh, and the best steal of the day.... (insert drum roll here)... a new bed spread for $12.99!!!! I know right?!?! I didn't know there was a such thing as a 12.99 bead spread that existed! It had originally been $99, and I too loved it and it was what I had been looking for, so needless to say, it was in my cart with my name on it faster than you could blink!
On top of all the pretties and good deals we found, mom and I actually laughed all day long. There was no tension at all. And both of us were able to talk about Derek and not get upset. As we shopped through the endless aisles, as we would see stuff, we would both say "this is something Derek would love". Being able to talk about him, and think about him and it not ruin us for the day, that seemed like a big step for both of us. And after we did manage to find our way back to Glasgow with a little bitty car piled to the roof literally, I was on cloud 9. I had managed to have the best day that I have had since Derek's passing. And not only was I on cloud 9 because of how good of a day I was able to have, I was on cloud 9 because it also consisted of my mama being a part of it. Days like yesterday with her, are the days I wish we had all of the time. I pray that days like yesterday continue between us. It's been a hard, bumpy road for her, and I pray every night that she will find peace within herself and her heart and be able to experience life. Seeing her the way she was yesterday, I now see a hope of that happening in the future for her also. Oh, and how could I forget the weather yesterday?! Oh my goodness, it was perfect! I'm telling ya, Derek hears me every time and makes it happen for me!
Today. Sunday. David woke everyone up at a decent hour this morning so that we could have some much needed time spent together. Trenton got up in a really good mood and got himself dressed while David and I were getting dressed and then we were off to hit the road in this beautiful sunny weather we managed to have not just yesterday, but today too! Our only true destination was to go to Factory Connection and look around and exchange something, and the rest we played by ear from there. In the car, Trenton was in the best mood giggling, and talking up a storm about anything you can imagine running through an 8 yr old mind. He is your typical boy, and usually doesn't like shopping. At. All! So for him to be so patient and good in the clothing store, we decided that he could pick the spot to eat. Subway it was! That boy LOVES subway! He would eat it everyday of his life if he could. He really should be the spokes model for them! Be the next Jarred! ha! Usually when we eat fast food, we end up just bringing it home to eat but we decided to enjoy the day out and eat inside. Trenton got his usual, 12 inch sub club on wheat, apple slices, and a chocolate chip cookie. And yes, he eats every bite of it! I don't know where he puts it, but it goes somewhere! But today, he had an idea that I thought was a great one, and very sweet. As he was sitting there and eating his first half, he decided that he wanted to bring the other half home. He said, " I can eat this half as my late lunch, and then take this half home for dinner. That sounds like a good idea don't it mama?". Yes, it was an excellent idea! So later on tonight, he indeed devoured the other half of his oh so yummy sub club and has remained being the sweetest!
Not sure how I could forget to mention this, but when I got home from shopping with mom yesterday, there was a card hanging on the bathroom mirror for me. I opened it and it was a just because I love you card from David. Knowing he had me on his mind enough to want to go pick a card out for me put the biggest smile on my face! But oh no, it didn't stop there! When I went into the bedroom he had the bed made, and laying on my pillow was yet another just because I love you card. Can you imagine getting 2 in one day? Well, imagine 3! Because later on when I went to get on my laptop, I opened it and laying on the keyboard was card #3! It was the sweetest thing and made me feel so darn good knowing that he had me on his mind so much that he felt the need to go buy me some cards and tell me how much he loved me. And it was obvious that he actually spent time reading them and finding the perfect ones, because they were just that. Perfect! They even had sparkles on them! No matter who they are for, or what occasion it may be, every card I buy has to have something that sparkles on it. What can I say? I'm a sucker for sparklie things! :)
Normally I am excited to spring forward an hour because it means the days are going to be getting longer. It is one step closer to spring and the start of warm weather. But I have actually not liked losing an hour last night. Not because we lost an hours worth of sleep or anything of that sort, but because we lost an hour last night, it was one hour less I had during this perfect weekend. This weekend has literally been one of those weekends that you don't ever want to end. I stayed up until 3 am last night because I had had such a good day with mom and didn't want it to end, and then today I feel the same way. I was sad that I had to put Trenton to bed early because of school tomorrow, and I am sad that everyone is heading to bed and ending this awesome family day we have had together. And, unfortunately, I go back to school tomorrow. Not sure why I am dreading it considering that while on spring break this week, I have complained that I had nothing to do during the day and all it did was make me sit around and think all of the time but the show must go on! I cant wait until summer break and I have Trenton to myself everyday and we get to go spend time swimming and doing whatever we feel like doing. No going to bed at a certain time, and no having to get up early. Summer time in this house, is the best time by far!
And although I do not want this weekend to end, it is that time. Time to get back in the rhythm of the week life and stay on task. But before closing this, I must say while riding in the car today, I was of course doing nothing but thinking, but whats new? And while thinking, I somehow couldn't help but thank my brother for this weekend. I just know that he had something to do with the way I have felt the past few days. I told him I needed some sunshine, and boy did he give it to me! And I told him I needed to know that I was going to be okay. And he did just that. He gave me the sun, and he brought back the feeling of who I was a month ago. He reminded me of what makes me who I am and what I appreciate in my life. Gave me the feelings that I so deeply know that he would want me to feel. He gave them to me, and I felt them with everything in my heart. It's the little things like this that help me to know that he is okay and being taken care of, and to know that he is taking care of me. Again, I just thought about him and was able to smile. :)
What better way to start explaining this awesome weekend than starting at the beginning? Friday. For a few weeks now, I had been planning on going to Bowling Green with 2 of my high school color guard friends for a night of girl fun. So as the afternoon approached, like usual, I was running behind but eager to start getting ready to head out. After doing the usual of touching up my make up and fixing my hair, and of course not forgetting to make sure I had my high heels on, the girls were here to get me and we were ready to hit the road! After getting to BG, we went to tidballs to meet up with one of my all time very best friends since 6th grade, Nick, and to watch his band play. And after having a good visit with him and hearing some good music, we went down the street to another bar to hear some dance music. Although that place was deader than a door nail, we played pool and still had a good time. Our night started late, so it seemed as if it flew by but on the way home and after pulling up in my driveway, we started doing the girl thing. Talking. We all talked about things that have happened and things that we think about a lot in life, and how we feel about it, and I can honestly say that some of it felt so good to get off of my chest. And after sitting in the driveway, doing nothing but listening and talking for over an hour, when I came back into the house, I was sitting on the couch winding down for a minute and realized that for one of the first times that night, I was able to talk about my brother and not get horribly saddened. I in fact was able to talk about him, and smile. A huge step for me that evening!
Day 2. Saturday. Also for a week or so now, Mom and I had planned on going to Gallatin and Henderson Tennessee to close Derek's bank account, and to make a day of it with some shopping. If you know me, and you know my mom, you know we love each other to pieces and in fact, both of us don't know what we would ever do without each other. but we are so much alike when it comes to certain things in life, we always bump heads. Derek always said "Kacie your so damn head strong, and she is too. You know what you want, and she does too and neither of you know how to handle it when someone else is just as strong as you." Boy, was he ever right about that! And while I had actually been looking forward to this Saturday, I hate to say it, but at the same time I was almost weary of it. Lately, mom has been an emotional wreck and I myself, have been the same way so talking between us has been hard. Both of us are the type that when we are down, everybody around us knows it. And you know the old saying "when something is wrong people always take it out on the ones they love they most"? That is so very true and that is exactly what mom and I are notorious for doing to each other. So you can only imagine with both of us dealing with everything about Derek how we have been towards each other. It's not that we mean to, or that we don't feel bad afterwards, but its just us. I could try and explain it all day to you but it is just something that you would have to witness in order to understand it fully. But, she is my mama and I love her to pieces. I hope that if there is a such thing as anything good coming from this, it may be that mom and I are able to become closer and have the relationship that we both want that doesn't consist of us being hateful to one another the majority of the time. And after yesterday, I can honestly say that I feel like there is hope in it happening.
We went to the Home Goods store that we both love and spent FOREVER in there. Literally. We had to actually stop shopping and pay for what we had at that moment, put it in the car and go eat lunch before going back to finish up shopping in the store. I love that store! It has the neatest, prettiest home decor for the cheapest prices! And I'm not sure if you know what a Hyundai Accent is, but it is an extremely small car. So for us to be able to fit all of our stuff in it the way we did, and it be crammed to the gill, that alone put a smile on our faces. We laughed and laughed over the car being loaded down the way it was. It definitely held a lot more than we ever dreamed of it holding! And after spending what seemed like endless hours in the home goods store, we made our way over to Ross. I also LOVE Ross! I had never heard of it until David took me to Atlanta for the first time and took me to it insisting that I would love it. He was right. So right that every time we make a trip to Atlanta now, we have to stop by Ross in order for me to spend a minimum of 2 hours in it. So when I found out that we had one close enough to go to around here, I was super excited! Although they have clothes and shoes and its pretty much like a tj maxx, I love the home decor aisles in the back. I bought 2 shirts there yesterday and that is pretty much the only thing I have ever bought there that wasn't home decor. Now, keep in mind that we left Glasgow at 8 am yesterday, and did not get home until 9 pm, and only went to 3 stores. I told you we spent endless hours in the stores! But mom found a bunch of new stuff for her house that she loved, and I myself found more than I ever dreamed of finding for our house, so we have both been back and forth on the phone with each other talking about where we put what and how good it looks. :) Also, I found a picture at the home goods store that is the prettiest things you've ever seen and being it was kinda pricey and wouldn't allow myself to buy it, mom volunteered to get it for me and let it be part of an early mother's day gift for me. It's beautiful! It's made like a shadow box, with a silver frame, creme colored background, and its wider than it is tall and has 3 paper flowers that go straight across it. And the flowers are 3 dimensional. Not sure how to explain it, but it's gorgeous! I cant wait until I figure out exactly where to put it and get it hung up! And on top of that, I got oodles and oodles of other new things. Oh, and the best steal of the day.... (insert drum roll here)... a new bed spread for $12.99!!!! I know right?!?! I didn't know there was a such thing as a 12.99 bead spread that existed! It had originally been $99, and I too loved it and it was what I had been looking for, so needless to say, it was in my cart with my name on it faster than you could blink!
On top of all the pretties and good deals we found, mom and I actually laughed all day long. There was no tension at all. And both of us were able to talk about Derek and not get upset. As we shopped through the endless aisles, as we would see stuff, we would both say "this is something Derek would love". Being able to talk about him, and think about him and it not ruin us for the day, that seemed like a big step for both of us. And after we did manage to find our way back to Glasgow with a little bitty car piled to the roof literally, I was on cloud 9. I had managed to have the best day that I have had since Derek's passing. And not only was I on cloud 9 because of how good of a day I was able to have, I was on cloud 9 because it also consisted of my mama being a part of it. Days like yesterday with her, are the days I wish we had all of the time. I pray that days like yesterday continue between us. It's been a hard, bumpy road for her, and I pray every night that she will find peace within herself and her heart and be able to experience life. Seeing her the way she was yesterday, I now see a hope of that happening in the future for her also. Oh, and how could I forget the weather yesterday?! Oh my goodness, it was perfect! I'm telling ya, Derek hears me every time and makes it happen for me!
Today. Sunday. David woke everyone up at a decent hour this morning so that we could have some much needed time spent together. Trenton got up in a really good mood and got himself dressed while David and I were getting dressed and then we were off to hit the road in this beautiful sunny weather we managed to have not just yesterday, but today too! Our only true destination was to go to Factory Connection and look around and exchange something, and the rest we played by ear from there. In the car, Trenton was in the best mood giggling, and talking up a storm about anything you can imagine running through an 8 yr old mind. He is your typical boy, and usually doesn't like shopping. At. All! So for him to be so patient and good in the clothing store, we decided that he could pick the spot to eat. Subway it was! That boy LOVES subway! He would eat it everyday of his life if he could. He really should be the spokes model for them! Be the next Jarred! ha! Usually when we eat fast food, we end up just bringing it home to eat but we decided to enjoy the day out and eat inside. Trenton got his usual, 12 inch sub club on wheat, apple slices, and a chocolate chip cookie. And yes, he eats every bite of it! I don't know where he puts it, but it goes somewhere! But today, he had an idea that I thought was a great one, and very sweet. As he was sitting there and eating his first half, he decided that he wanted to bring the other half home. He said, " I can eat this half as my late lunch, and then take this half home for dinner. That sounds like a good idea don't it mama?". Yes, it was an excellent idea! So later on tonight, he indeed devoured the other half of his oh so yummy sub club and has remained being the sweetest!
Not sure how I could forget to mention this, but when I got home from shopping with mom yesterday, there was a card hanging on the bathroom mirror for me. I opened it and it was a just because I love you card from David. Knowing he had me on his mind enough to want to go pick a card out for me put the biggest smile on my face! But oh no, it didn't stop there! When I went into the bedroom he had the bed made, and laying on my pillow was yet another just because I love you card. Can you imagine getting 2 in one day? Well, imagine 3! Because later on when I went to get on my laptop, I opened it and laying on the keyboard was card #3! It was the sweetest thing and made me feel so darn good knowing that he had me on his mind so much that he felt the need to go buy me some cards and tell me how much he loved me. And it was obvious that he actually spent time reading them and finding the perfect ones, because they were just that. Perfect! They even had sparkles on them! No matter who they are for, or what occasion it may be, every card I buy has to have something that sparkles on it. What can I say? I'm a sucker for sparklie things! :)
Normally I am excited to spring forward an hour because it means the days are going to be getting longer. It is one step closer to spring and the start of warm weather. But I have actually not liked losing an hour last night. Not because we lost an hours worth of sleep or anything of that sort, but because we lost an hour last night, it was one hour less I had during this perfect weekend. This weekend has literally been one of those weekends that you don't ever want to end. I stayed up until 3 am last night because I had had such a good day with mom and didn't want it to end, and then today I feel the same way. I was sad that I had to put Trenton to bed early because of school tomorrow, and I am sad that everyone is heading to bed and ending this awesome family day we have had together. And, unfortunately, I go back to school tomorrow. Not sure why I am dreading it considering that while on spring break this week, I have complained that I had nothing to do during the day and all it did was make me sit around and think all of the time but the show must go on! I cant wait until summer break and I have Trenton to myself everyday and we get to go spend time swimming and doing whatever we feel like doing. No going to bed at a certain time, and no having to get up early. Summer time in this house, is the best time by far!
And although I do not want this weekend to end, it is that time. Time to get back in the rhythm of the week life and stay on task. But before closing this, I must say while riding in the car today, I was of course doing nothing but thinking, but whats new? And while thinking, I somehow couldn't help but thank my brother for this weekend. I just know that he had something to do with the way I have felt the past few days. I told him I needed some sunshine, and boy did he give it to me! And I told him I needed to know that I was going to be okay. And he did just that. He gave me the sun, and he brought back the feeling of who I was a month ago. He reminded me of what makes me who I am and what I appreciate in my life. Gave me the feelings that I so deeply know that he would want me to feel. He gave them to me, and I felt them with everything in my heart. It's the little things like this that help me to know that he is okay and being taken care of, and to know that he is taking care of me. Again, I just thought about him and was able to smile. :)
Thursday, March 10, 2011
It never fades, it never dims
After a long day of sitting at the house by myself, along with the rainy, yucky day it was outside, by the time 3 o'clock came, I felt like I couldn't get to the school fast enough to get Trenton. This extension of the school days is killing me! Especially on days like today where I am lonely and sad feeling, and at the house all by myself doing nothing but thinking. So finally, the time had came. It was 2:45. Time to head towards town to get in the ferocious line up of cars that wraps around the building and down the streets into town. For some reason today, it seemed like an even more absurd amount of cars in the line. So after sitting there and waiting patiently as I was moving every bit of 1 foot every 5 minutes, and after finally realizing I should just put the car in neutral so I don't have to sit and hold the clutch in to the point it gives me a charlie horse in my toes, I finally made it to the door where stood my little Trenton Lane.
As soon as I pulled up, he came running to the car and before he could even get the car door opened, I could hear him yelling "Hey Mama! They are selling the new Pokemon Black and White posters in the library! Can we park and go get one?" After convincing him to go ahead and get in the car so I could park, he informed me that he had gotten 2 good notes at school today and did not get study hall. Poor little guy gets study hall nearly every day for daydreaming so for this to be day #2 with no study hall or bad notes, of course I had to let out a big "woohoo!" and a high five to him! And also being this made day #2, I of course fought back through the traffic and waited ever so patiently until I could squeeze our little car into a parking space. When Trenton realized what we were doing, he then let out a big "woohoo!" with excitement. We got out of the car and before I could turn around, Trenton was running across the parking lot wide open and headed straight for the doors. Once I finally mustered up enough pace in my steps to catch up to him without having to break out in a full on jog, we headed straight to the library. When we got to the double glass doors, the lights were turned off. At that moment, I seen the excitement just fall out of Trenton and smack the floor. It was as if someone just crushed his little heart. Naturally, what's a mom to do other than find a way to fix the situation that is upsetting your child? I told him we could stop by the office and see if they would let us pay for one of them in there. At least it gave him some hope for a few more minutes. And after going to the office, and talking to the secretary, the excitement was back in his eye as she was walking us back down the hall towards the library with the keys to the door in her hand. Trenton got his pokemon poster, and to help with an even better ending, come to find out, they were free. :)
When we got back to the car after accomplishing our mission of the pokemon poster, Trenton dug right into his backpack and pulled out one of his pokemon books. Every month Trent brings home a book order from school to where you can order books for extremely low prices. Almost always, I order him some books from it. Plus, it is about the only place that I can find him pokemon books that I don't have to pay an arm and a leg for. The last time I ordered a big kit of pokemon books and didn't realize that they were actually small chapter books. I just went by the reading level and assumed they were the same as all of the others. And even though he was excited to get them just because they were pokemon, he wasn't too thrilled that what few pictures they have in them were in black and white. At the time, I told him that if he ever read a chapter book, he would really enjoy it. And that they were so much more detailed, you didn't need all of the pictures in order for you to visualize what you are reading. He still wouldn't accept it. So when I looked over today and saw that he had his book out without anybody mentioning to him that he needed to do his reading, I was very proud. But when I realized that he in fact was reading one of his chapter books, and was actually already on chapter 7, I was even more proud. He was so into this book that he didn't even want to get out of the car when we pulled into the driveway because he wanted to keep reading. So in order to keep him from losing his page, I grabbed my purse, his backpack, and his poster and he read as he walked into the house. I can proudly say that he never even turned on his tv or asked to play his games or anything until he finished that entire book this afternoon. And I can say even more proudly that he has now started chapter book #2! Ever since he has gotten to where he can read and actually read good, I love to watch him do it. I'm not sure what it is about it, but it just melts my heart to see him sit there and read his books. Just the innocence on his face alone melts me. And I also have always had this thing to where I love to watch Trenton's hands. I am not sure why, but I do. Something about watching him sit there and take his little fingers and turn pages, just does something for me. I don't just do this when he is reading either.. it's anything. Whether he is holding a pencil, eating with his fork, or just talking and using hand gestures while talking, I love to watch his hands. Just one of those things, I guess? :) I remember when he was first born, and after every thing was settled down and I finally got to look him over and stare at every little feature he consisted of, he reminded me so much of Derek. Those were actually the first words out of my mouth when I laid eyes on him. I said "oh my gosh, he looks just like Derek!" And not only did he favor Derek, his little hands were identical to Derek's, and still are.
I've always heard that a child knows when something is going on even if they can't see it happening. And that is something that I have always kept in mind when I have a bad day or something isn't going my way that is making me upset. No matter what, I always try to make sure that Trenton doesn't know anything is wrong. Until today, I have always been convinced that I was perfect at hiding how I truly felt to him. He must have known that I need some love today because he has done nothing but give me all of the love in the world tonight! He has been the absolute sweetest thing you've ever seen tonight! No matter what I have asked him to do, he has went straight to it and done it without me having to even think of asking twice, and without giving me any of his new found 8 yr old attitude that he sometimes wants to try me with. Luckily, he is a good kid and even when he is trying to be grown at the big age of 8, it still is no where near as bad as I see some kids act on a daily basis. For that, I really can't complain too much about it. But when he is sweet, they sure don't get any sweeter! Earlier this evening, he was running through the living room with his bedroom as his next destination, and as he ran through he said "I love you mommy!" I replied back with "I love you too baby" and no sooner than I said that, he looked at me with the biggest smile and said "you weren't expecting that were you? Did I make your heart smile?" After he said that, I literally sat here and thought to myself "you have no idea how big you make my heart smile." From that moment, my night has been one of the best I've had in a while. Who wouldn't be on cloud 9 after hearing your child say something so darn sweet? All of the loving, snuggling, and giggling he has given me tonight, I am now reminded of my reason for being. Without him, I am afraid to think of who and what I would be. He is the reason I am able to wear my heart on my sleeve, and watch my heart beat outside of my body. The reason I am able to love and know what true love is. The reason I understand the true definition of unconditional love. And the reason I strive to be a better person. He alone has helped me so much in the past month by him just existing. I was talking to a friend last week who himself is a new daddy, and I told him " I have one weakness in this world, and that is my son. I also have one strength in this world, and that is my son." He told me that I used the best use of words he had ever heard just then... and after thinking about what he had just said, I told him that it was not a good use of words. Just words spoken straight from my heart. And after I hung up the phone and was thinking about some of the stuff we had talked about, I then brought it to my own attention that everything I say about Trenton, and everything I think about Trenton, and everything I see in Trenton is always straight from my heart. I have never once been able to look at him and not get an overwhelming feeling of love take over my soul. And I have never once been able to talk about him and not get a sparkle in my eye. He truly is the light of my life! One that will never fade, never go dim.
As soon as I pulled up, he came running to the car and before he could even get the car door opened, I could hear him yelling "Hey Mama! They are selling the new Pokemon Black and White posters in the library! Can we park and go get one?" After convincing him to go ahead and get in the car so I could park, he informed me that he had gotten 2 good notes at school today and did not get study hall. Poor little guy gets study hall nearly every day for daydreaming so for this to be day #2 with no study hall or bad notes, of course I had to let out a big "woohoo!" and a high five to him! And also being this made day #2, I of course fought back through the traffic and waited ever so patiently until I could squeeze our little car into a parking space. When Trenton realized what we were doing, he then let out a big "woohoo!" with excitement. We got out of the car and before I could turn around, Trenton was running across the parking lot wide open and headed straight for the doors. Once I finally mustered up enough pace in my steps to catch up to him without having to break out in a full on jog, we headed straight to the library. When we got to the double glass doors, the lights were turned off. At that moment, I seen the excitement just fall out of Trenton and smack the floor. It was as if someone just crushed his little heart. Naturally, what's a mom to do other than find a way to fix the situation that is upsetting your child? I told him we could stop by the office and see if they would let us pay for one of them in there. At least it gave him some hope for a few more minutes. And after going to the office, and talking to the secretary, the excitement was back in his eye as she was walking us back down the hall towards the library with the keys to the door in her hand. Trenton got his pokemon poster, and to help with an even better ending, come to find out, they were free. :)
When we got back to the car after accomplishing our mission of the pokemon poster, Trenton dug right into his backpack and pulled out one of his pokemon books. Every month Trent brings home a book order from school to where you can order books for extremely low prices. Almost always, I order him some books from it. Plus, it is about the only place that I can find him pokemon books that I don't have to pay an arm and a leg for. The last time I ordered a big kit of pokemon books and didn't realize that they were actually small chapter books. I just went by the reading level and assumed they were the same as all of the others. And even though he was excited to get them just because they were pokemon, he wasn't too thrilled that what few pictures they have in them were in black and white. At the time, I told him that if he ever read a chapter book, he would really enjoy it. And that they were so much more detailed, you didn't need all of the pictures in order for you to visualize what you are reading. He still wouldn't accept it. So when I looked over today and saw that he had his book out without anybody mentioning to him that he needed to do his reading, I was very proud. But when I realized that he in fact was reading one of his chapter books, and was actually already on chapter 7, I was even more proud. He was so into this book that he didn't even want to get out of the car when we pulled into the driveway because he wanted to keep reading. So in order to keep him from losing his page, I grabbed my purse, his backpack, and his poster and he read as he walked into the house. I can proudly say that he never even turned on his tv or asked to play his games or anything until he finished that entire book this afternoon. And I can say even more proudly that he has now started chapter book #2! Ever since he has gotten to where he can read and actually read good, I love to watch him do it. I'm not sure what it is about it, but it just melts my heart to see him sit there and read his books. Just the innocence on his face alone melts me. And I also have always had this thing to where I love to watch Trenton's hands. I am not sure why, but I do. Something about watching him sit there and take his little fingers and turn pages, just does something for me. I don't just do this when he is reading either.. it's anything. Whether he is holding a pencil, eating with his fork, or just talking and using hand gestures while talking, I love to watch his hands. Just one of those things, I guess? :) I remember when he was first born, and after every thing was settled down and I finally got to look him over and stare at every little feature he consisted of, he reminded me so much of Derek. Those were actually the first words out of my mouth when I laid eyes on him. I said "oh my gosh, he looks just like Derek!" And not only did he favor Derek, his little hands were identical to Derek's, and still are.
I've always heard that a child knows when something is going on even if they can't see it happening. And that is something that I have always kept in mind when I have a bad day or something isn't going my way that is making me upset. No matter what, I always try to make sure that Trenton doesn't know anything is wrong. Until today, I have always been convinced that I was perfect at hiding how I truly felt to him. He must have known that I need some love today because he has done nothing but give me all of the love in the world tonight! He has been the absolute sweetest thing you've ever seen tonight! No matter what I have asked him to do, he has went straight to it and done it without me having to even think of asking twice, and without giving me any of his new found 8 yr old attitude that he sometimes wants to try me with. Luckily, he is a good kid and even when he is trying to be grown at the big age of 8, it still is no where near as bad as I see some kids act on a daily basis. For that, I really can't complain too much about it. But when he is sweet, they sure don't get any sweeter! Earlier this evening, he was running through the living room with his bedroom as his next destination, and as he ran through he said "I love you mommy!" I replied back with "I love you too baby" and no sooner than I said that, he looked at me with the biggest smile and said "you weren't expecting that were you? Did I make your heart smile?" After he said that, I literally sat here and thought to myself "you have no idea how big you make my heart smile." From that moment, my night has been one of the best I've had in a while. Who wouldn't be on cloud 9 after hearing your child say something so darn sweet? All of the loving, snuggling, and giggling he has given me tonight, I am now reminded of my reason for being. Without him, I am afraid to think of who and what I would be. He is the reason I am able to wear my heart on my sleeve, and watch my heart beat outside of my body. The reason I am able to love and know what true love is. The reason I understand the true definition of unconditional love. And the reason I strive to be a better person. He alone has helped me so much in the past month by him just existing. I was talking to a friend last week who himself is a new daddy, and I told him " I have one weakness in this world, and that is my son. I also have one strength in this world, and that is my son." He told me that I used the best use of words he had ever heard just then... and after thinking about what he had just said, I told him that it was not a good use of words. Just words spoken straight from my heart. And after I hung up the phone and was thinking about some of the stuff we had talked about, I then brought it to my own attention that everything I say about Trenton, and everything I think about Trenton, and everything I see in Trenton is always straight from my heart. I have never once been able to look at him and not get an overwhelming feeling of love take over my soul. And I have never once been able to talk about him and not get a sparkle in my eye. He truly is the light of my life! One that will never fade, never go dim.
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