Warning! I am about to unleash the bitch in me...
First and foremost, I am sick and tired of ignorant people. I mean at the age of 30, I would honestly think that some type of sense would come to you. It's not as if your exactly a spring chick. My 8 yr old has more common sense and smarts than some adult people I know! And these people that are to the degree of being so ignorant, I would almost classify them as having a syndrome of some type, seem to think that it is everyone else in the world around them. Maybe I am crazy for thinking this, but it just seems to me that if you absolutely can not get along with anybody that you come into contact with, and every single person that knows you run their mouth about the type of person you are, it is you and not everyone else. Maybe if other people actually liked you and you just had a problem with one person, I may lean towards your side and believe that the other person just has an issue but being it is every single person that knows you, I do believe it is you. I know it is you. And on top of you just being an idiot in general, you really want to believe that you are something special. Being a liar, a thief, a user, and abuser does not make you special. It makes you sorry. Just because you are so conniving towards the people that actually try to be something to you does not mean that everyone else in the world thinks the same way. I know it may be hard for you to believe but the normal, functioning part of the world does not think, nor act the way you do! You think you have it all when you have no a pot to piss in. If it weren't for you scheming the world around you, you wouldn't have nothing. Not a bite to eat, not a roof over your head, and no gas to drive. Unfortunately, you see nothing wrong with your actions and that in fact is the reason that I am over people like you. You see nothing wrong with what you do, therefore you will never open up and even have a thought of changing. The only person that does have anything to do with you is the person that in fact depends on your antics themselves. And, you hate each other to top it off. You think running your mouth is going to break someone but the sad truth to the story is, you are already broken beyond repair. Nothing you say can fix the thoughts and realizations you have about yourself. You may act like you are big and tough and like you are so much better than someone else, but in fact, you know different. If you didn't know any different then you would not have the complexes that you have about yourself. You are so self conscious and insecure that you yourself make yourself crazy over the thought of not being what you wish you could be. But instead of doing like most people do when they don't like something, they change it, you would rather sit around and believe that you are too good to even think of changing anything about your life. Nobody is ever too good to change. And if you weren't on such a high horse about yourself all of the time, you might actually have some hope of being someone one day. You are worthless in more ways than I can begin to describe. You bring nothing to the table to anyone in your life and that is probably why you have nobody in your life to begin with. I used to feel sorry for you and think that nobody gave you a chance, I too realize why nobody gives you a chance. There is no such thing as a chance with you because you will take it and screw it up every time by thinking you are someone and something you can't even dream of being. You are the most conniving and vain person I have ever met in my life and boy, let me tell ya, I have met some!! Forever is a long time, and being lonely is even longer. I would hate to know that what you are is what you will be for the rest of your life. A lonely, bitter, cold soul is all that you are. There is no warmth in your heart, no sparkle in your eye. It is as if people are looking in the eyes of a dead man walking. You my dear, are the reason people like me lock our doors at night. The reason we watch our kids while they are outside playing. And the reason people like me strive to be a better person in life. To watch the way you act, if that doesn't open someones eyes up as to what they don't want to be like, then I don't know what would! You can keep riding into town on that high horse of yours, but one day that horse himself is going to get tired of the dead weight you are and kick you off. And when he does, I hope it breaks you. That is, if you don't mess with the wrong person before then and they break you. Good luck in life because I'm telling ya, you need all that you can get!!! And for the fact of the matter, regardless of how you act and what you do, I still pray that god will have mercy on your soul!
Okay- my ranting is over. Ignorant people really get under my skin. Especially right now. As if I don't have enough crap going on in my mind and in my head, I don't need someone else adding anything to my plate. They too will know what hurt is one day because for one, they can only hurt so many people until it comes back on them. yes, karma is a bitch. And I assume that when something does happen, they themselves will be looking to have a pity party and calling and wanting you to join in with them, and that will. not. happen. with me. There will be no need to call and expect me to sympathize for them because I have none for them. I am fresh out. The reason people's lives are the way they are is because they let them get that way and they themselves don't care enough for themselves to want to change and do anything about it. If someone cant care for them self, then how do they expect anyone else to care for them? If you have no respect for yourself, how do you expect anyone else to respect you? You cant. It doesn't happen and it wont happen. And when their world is falling apart, they just like everyone else will need someone to be there for them during that time. And when nobody is, they can do nothing but blame themselves for the situation they are in and facing alone. Even funnier part is when they want to try and bash you and throw stuff at you that totally makes no sense. You really want to compare what we have against each other? I really don't think that is the line you want to go down.... you have...well..lets see.. hmm... umm... a bad aura? Bravo! Way to go on that one big guy! And regardless of the fact about who has what... I could care less when it comes to materialistic things. I am surround by people that actually care about me and love me. They prove it to me everyday! And I have a great group of friends that you in fact know nothing about because they too would have nothing to do with you because of the things you do and the ways you are. The only person you have is the one using you and the one that your so jealous of, you wont let go even though you two hate each other. Not exactly what I would compare to other people to try and convince them they are just jealous of you!
Ok I lied- I obviously had a little bit more ranting to go on with! I am just at my Witt's end when it comes to people! If I can make it without my brother being here, and can make it without his companionship for the rest of my life, I can definitely make it without people that do nothing but try to drag you down in life. I am officially divorcing a few people in my life. Cutting all strings. Calling it closing time. I have been back on my weight gainer and gaining weight faster than you can imagine, and just like my clothes, I have outgrown some of the hurtful, unnecessary people in my life. And instead of holding onto these clothes thinking that just because I loved them so much when they fit, I hate to get rid of them, I will be tossing them straight out the door to never see again! Not sure if you caught it or not, but I am referring to people when I talk about hanging onto these clothes. These people I am tossing out of my life, and saying good riddance to. The person who has aggravated me to no end tonight knows to expect it, but there are a few others that have it coming that are definitely going to be blindsided by this move. My brother would be proud actually to know that some of these people are going to be gone. He told me how they were for years, and although he was always right about people before, I somehow manage to keep giving people chances over and over and over. No longer is this going to happen. I have my true friends that I know are there for me and I appreciate them more than I can ever begin to express or show them, and as to the rest of them... I dont see you most of the time, or talk to you, so for you to be gone, it will be no different in my life than it is now.
Yes, as you can tell I have had a very emotional day today. The rain and drear in the sky did not help me to be in a better mood by any means. Again, as soon as my feet hit the floor, all I could think about was my brother. I have cried just as hard as I did when I found out today... I keep thinking that as much as I have cried I would have no tears left.. it is official that your tears never run out. And it if official to me that the pain in my heart is never going to run out either. I don't like being an ugly acting person. I despise it. But right now, I am nothing but a ball of emotions to begin with. At times, I think I am going crazy and at others, I feel as if I am going to be make it through this half way decent. I guess it shows the ignorance of this person to think that they are going to run one over on me right now and me sit back and let it happen like I normally would. I'm the type to where I may not like something in life, but before I go off and start ranting and raving about it, I always consider it to myself on whether or not it is truly worth it or not. Is it worth the hours and days and possibly months of tension between me and this person for me to speak up and say what I think or is it something that if I just let it go, it will do just that. Let go and disappear. Today, no I could no longer sit back and let it happen. Most of the time, I never say anything and I guess that is why when I do get mad, I go off like a stick of dynamite lit on both ends. Derek always said I was a little firecracker. I remember talking to one of his friends on the phone one night after he had moved to CT and his friend had told me that Derek described me that way. When I laughed, his friend came up with a new analogy for me. He said I was like a shrew. A small little bitty animal that would tear and eat its way through anything that got in its way and made it mad. Derek and I used that phrase from there on out. Derek said it was the perfect description of me when I want something and someone tells me I cant do it or cant have it, and the perfect description of me when I am mad at the world. Although I have been full of raging emotions to the point I almost feel as if I am a teenager with raging hormones again, I have tried my best to keep a grip on these emotions. Although the sadness seems to take over and linger more than anything, I honestly do try to take it and hold it in. At times I feel like I am going to explode if I don't let it out, but when I feel that way, I can't help but think of Trenton and realize that he still has a mom that he loves and a mom that needs to take care of him the same way she always has. A mom that is always full of energy and laughs, and that loves to run around and be as free of a spirit as he himself is. I'm sure this past month has been hard on Trenton simply because for one he too misses his Uncle D, and also, for the fact that I have not been my normal self. Although I have kept a conscious effort in my mind of trying, I know that it is not the same as I usually am. I don't find myself smiling for no reason like I used to. Used to, I was always full of smiles. If something was happening that even thought it was going to take my smile away for the shortest of minutes, I made sure I found the positive in the situation and had it right back on my face. Almost a "screw you" to whatever bad was going on. There is nothing positive about any of the situation that has caused me to be so sad and not myself. I have tried to find it, but it does not exist. I have never missed someone so much that I literally have a physical pain in my heart. Never. people keep telling me that time heals all wounds, and I am finding that even harder to believe than ever. I have never been a believer of that, but I can't imagine how time can heal this wound. I am permanently scarred. My heart will never be whole again. It is always going to have that certain void in it no matter what else is good and happening to me. As much as I miss him right now, I don't see how time can heal that feeling. I am not going to be able to do anything except miss him even more through out the years. There is no hope of seeing him to fix it for a while.
I used to think people were crazy when they would go onto facebook and write everyday to people that they loved who had passed away.. I never understood it. I now see why they do it. I do it. Every single day I have to write something to Derek on his facebook. I am not sure if it lets me feel as if I am able to still talk to him, or if it is just my way of coping and dealing with this, but I do it everyday and have to everyday. On top of the facebook posts, I find myself talking to him daily. And while sitting wherever I am and talking to him, it is almost as if I never hung up the phone with him the last time we talked. I can hear what he would be saying to me, and whether he would be laughing or not. I may sound crazy, and could possibly already be on the verge of crazy if not crazy already, but it comforts me. Although I am sad, and miss him so much it hurts and am depressed over this, and this may really sound crazy, I feel closer than ever to him. I know he is around me. I can smell him at times. Hear him. Feel him. I know he is with me, and I know he is guiding me in the directions I need to go with all of this. And with that being said, I can only imagine that it is him finding ways to finally open my eyes to some of the people around me. As I mentioned earlier, he always had a way of pin pointing how people really are, and being the hard headed person I am, it takes a while for me to learn my lesson when it comes to it. Someone telling me isn't good enough, I have to find it out the hard way every time. Maybe me seeing these things about people and feeling this way about people is Derek helping to open my eyes and eliminate any possible hurt he sees happening in my future. He always wanted the best for me, and I believe that he still has my best at his best interest. It only makes sense that he is the one leading me to these decisions that it is time to let go of some people. It has to be him. Usually, I will get a feeling like this about a person but I am notorious for ignoring my "hunches". Right now, it just seems so very crystal clear to me and very acceptable to me to let these people go. And, I do believe instead of giving him a hard time like I used to about it, I am going to follow this instinct and trust that it is Derek leading me, and make him proud of the decisions I make in life from here on out. For the first time in my life, I feel as if I am too good for something. Too good to put up with people who do nothing but use me for one. I have never had the best self esteem in the world, and it killed Derek. He never could understand why, and for that matter, I honestly dont know why I was like that either. Luckily, I am no longer that way. I haven't been that way for a while. And it feels great to know that I believe in myself, and know that I actually deserve nothing but the best in life. It may have taken some trials and tribulations in life to get to this point and help me realize these things, but luckily I have been able to take these obstacles and help them turn me into the person I have always dreamed of being. I can honestly say that I am 100% satisfied with the person I am today, and what I have going for me and my family. I may not be 100% happy with my life right now in regards to everything with Derek, but at least I can be happy with myself and deal with this. I am sure it would be even harder to be a loss with myself and also trying to take all of this in at the same time.
Today I was just sitting around and thinking and I started thinking about my wedding day. Originally David and I were going to get married in 2011 instead of 2010... after a while, we decided to just go on and do it in 2010.. I do believe that everything happens for a reason in life even though I have been denying that statement for the past month because I can find no reason as to why Derek had to be the one taken....but as I was sitting and thinking about all of this today, I believe us doing it a year before happened for a reason. Had we not, Derek would have never gotten to see me get married and would not have been able to take part in one of the biggest days of my life. To know that he got to see it, and take part, I feel so fortunate. Of course nobody knew that anything like this would be happening now, but I am so thankful that something in us told us to go on and do it. An intuition? possibly. Who knows.
Since your eyes have probably crossed from reading this terribly long blog, and since I have done nothing but rant and rave for the first part, making myself probably look as childish and immature as the person I am referring to and you are probably thinking that, I will do you a favor and end this here for the night. Don't get me wrong, I could actually go on and on about some other stuff right now. As soon as I opened this blog while ago, my fingers started going and the words just started pouring out, so apparently this blog was a must for the night. Being I actually feel as if I could say more, do expect to see a new one in the morning on top of this one!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Decent flowers, sparkly ruffles
David is at work, and Trenton at school so what else would there be for me to do other than take a minute to blog? :) And again, I am at a stand point in my mind to where I feel like I have so much to say, yet nothing to say at the same time. I am really hoping that this feeling is going to ease pretty soon... it's confusing and almost has me to the point that I wonder if I am going crazy? See, that is the thing with being crazy... when people are crazy, they don't realize they are. To them they are normal and whatever is going on in their mind will calm down within time... same thing I think right now. So technically, I could already be crazy and just not know it.. lol I know I am not quite there yet, but it is something that has crossed my mind for sure!
Yesterday. What a day! David was off of work, and being I am on spring break this week from school, we got to spend some time together... We went to BG in order for David to go to his Dr. appt, and while down there, I managed to talk David into going to the Mighty Dollar with me. :) I love the mighty dollar and dollar tree! David thinks its all junk and says there is no point in going to the "everything is $1 store" if you're going to spend at least $25 every time. He does have a point! Going to the mighty dollar is one of those hit or miss deals... sometimes you find something and others you find nothing. Yesterday, didn't find as much as I usually do but I did get some Easter basket stuffers for Trenton's Easter basket along with the stuff needed to make his goody bags for his Easter party at school. I love making goody bags for his school parties! Buying chips and so forth just isn't enough interaction with it for me so I always sign up for the goody bag list! When I was little all I ever wanted was for my mom to be at the classroom parties and for us to bring all the goodies that the other kids and their moms brought, but being mom was at work during the day, she never got to attend any of them. So since having Trenton, I have been the classroom party mom! I have not missed a party one, and never missed making my famous goody bags! Something I am very proud of considering Trenton may only be in the 2nd grade but if you factor in 2 years of preschool, and kindergarten, then I have been on my "a" game with the parties. I love it! I love going and finding the perfect little bags to stuff full with all the neatest junk gadgets you can find. And more often than not, I don't just stop with the goody bags. I always try to find something creative that I actually have to make to send with him. Last Halloween I came up with the idea of taking plastic gloves (the ones like fast food restaurants use), and stuffing them full of popcorn, and tieing it off and then adding cut out pieces of construction paper to glue to the ends of the fingertips to make it look like nails. They turned out cute as a button! And they looked just like big ole' monster hands which was the idea being it was Halloween! Everyone had a fit over them, so I do believe the popcorn monster hands will be a definite must until Trenton's childhood Halloween parties come to an end. Now, with Easter coming up, I already have me wheels turning to come up with something. I do believe I am going to take Easter eggs and glue the basket stuffer grass in them, and then take a Chick and and itty bitty wee little chick and glue them in there and it will be a little egg that you open with a little chick family in it to add along with the goody bags. Whatever I make, it will have something to do with the little fuzzy chicks I found because they are just the cutest things you've ever seen! No way will I not be able to use those little guys on something! :)
Now onto yesterday... after spending an hour in the mighty dollar and being very proud on how patient David was about me walking up and down each and every aisle looking at everything, we went over to the mall for me to return a shirt I had gotten a little while back and decided I didn't like it enough to keep. While there, I found the CUTEST shirts for $4.99!! Aww they are so pretty! Straps on them even have sparklies and everything! For a while it seemed as if I just couldn't get into the fashion statements at the time... it got a little too loose and floofy, and the rest were too short and too tight for me to like there for a while. But, being I love ruffles, bows, and flowers.... the style right now is right up my alley! I get tickled at David because every time I ask him how I look, or if a shirt looks okay, His response is "It's definitely you with all the little ruffles on it" He knows me too well! A girly girl I am! So now that the fashion is all about rosettes, ruffles, lace, and pretty colors, I am having no problem finding clothes I love! I joke all the time that when I get old I will be one of those old women with 10lbs of jewelry on and the bedazzled sweatshirts with the sparkles. And David agrees and says that is what he fears most! lol Hopefully I wont take it to the extreme that I imagine in my head and be tacky about it... but the way I love it, I have a pretty good hunch that if it isn't tacky, it will definitely be borderline tacky. Oh well, who cares? We shall just wait and see when the time comes I guess!
After finding my steal on sparklie shirts for $4.99, David and I were headed to the food court to chow down on some Bourbon Chicken and as we were passing New York & Company, something caught my attention in the window. There it hung, as pretty as could be. A coral purse with rosettes on it! For one, I LOVE coral. Second, I love cute purses. And third, I love rosettes on anything. And finally, It was the perfect style and size! So needless to say, I had to go in and check the price out and daydream about it for a minute and before I could even say "Okay, lets go. Just wanted to look at it", David had it in his hand and was standing at the counter ready to pay for it. Being he had just bought me some new shirts, I tried to tell him that I didn't want the purse and if I did, I would just come back another time to get it but he wouldn't have it. He insisted that he was buying me the purse.. and after standing there and trying to convince him it was okay and to not worry about it, he told me "Kacie, you like the purse. I seen it in your eye when you came in to look at it. If you didn't like it you wouldn't have stopped to see how much it was. I like for you to have things you like and want, and I think you deserve it" Amazing how something so simple can make me feel so good.. Just the fact that he thought I deserved it made me feel special. Although I am not quite sure why he feels that I deserved it... I haven't done anything extraordinaire to begin to think I "deserved" it, but it meant a lot to me. And now, I officially have my new purse stuffed with all the goods that I find to be a necessity no matter where I go, and I LOVE it! I can't wait until I get to show it off! Plus, spring is right around the corner and I have a bright, pretty, frilly purse to celebrate the sun with! And gosh, I can't wait for spring to get here! I have always loved summer but usually the winter isn't too bad on me. I love toboggans and scarves and all of the winter boots and clothes so usually by the time October rolls around, I am ready for some cool weather. But this year has been awful! Every year I hope and pray for snow days so that Trenton and I get some extra time just the two of us and so Trenton can go outside and play in the snow, and although I enjoyed all of my snow days with him this year, I am so over this cold weather! I am to the point that I need the sun in my life to remind me that there is a brighter side of the world that I am having trouble seeing right now. I've talked to Derek and asked him to bring me some sun so that I can get out of the house and try to enjoy a day, and he has every time. He hears me. He shows me that he does.
And after my one on one time with David yesterday, I was eager to get my hands on my little Trenton! Being the school is making up for all of the snow days this year, they are making the kids go to school for 45 mins longer every day and I didn't think 3:10 was going to get here soon enough yesterday! And after picking him up, he was in the best mood. We laughed and talked and had the best time with each other. No matter what is going on, that little boy just has a way of fixing it all. I think if you asked any mother, they would claim they are the luckiest in the world to have their children, but I believe I have them beat! ;) Derek was always so proud of Trenton... which Trenton and I talk about Uncle D a lot, and I assure him that D sees him and is watching over him, and that he will still be proud of him just the same as he was when he was here. It breaks my heart that Trenton never got to take his trip alone to see D. Derek wanted Trenton to fly up to see him by himself this summer and spend the week there, just the 2 of them. Of course Mom was freaking at the thought of Trenton getting on a plane by himself, but had accepted the thought of it when I explained to her that they would have someone with him at all times. And when the idea was brought up to Trenton, he informed me that he was spending the entire summer with D. Naturally, Derek got a kick out of that! I just wish that he had been able to have that adventure with Derek.. it breaks me heart to know that he won't get to now. Breaks my heart to think that he will never get to experience more things with Derek as he gets older, and that he no longer has an uncle around that loves him more than anything. But at least Trenton is at the age to where he will remember Derek and never forget him. I couldn't imagine how it would feel if Trenton was younger and would not remember him and only know what you told him. I don't understand how you can even begin to describe someone like Derek to someone that doesn't know him, and expect them to actually "get" what kind of a guy he was. Luckily, Trenton will know and "get" it and that is something that nobody will ever be able to take away from him.
Although I had a good day yesterday, when it came time for bed last night, I got upset. Every time I closed my eyes I saw Derek. And when I actually did doze off, it seems like all I did was dream about him all night. Although the dreams make me sad, I feel lucky that he is coming to me in my sleep. At least I have a few minutes of interacting with him again and feeling like he is there.. and get the feeling of hugging him and hearing him again. And between dreaming and waking up every 45 minutes, I layed there and felt guilty that I had actually had a decent day. It's weird because I feel so bad that I let someone occupy my mind other than Derek. It makes me feel like I have betrayed him or something... I'm not sure how to explain this feeling exactly but it's one I get and don't like. And although I lay there and feel guilty at this thought, at the same time I think that its Derek working his ways to help me through it. I have asked him to help me cope and deal with this and to let me know I am going to be okay.... maybe my decent day has something to do with that? Maybe it is him helping make these good days come in order to let me know I can still smile, breathe, and live. But if I feel like Derek is helping this happen, then why do I feel guilty for doing it? I obviously have some issues I need to get a grip on and work out within myself... until then, I will continue to look at God and Derek and trust that they know what they are doing with me. I don't think either of them would do anything intentionally to me that I can't handle. They may push me to be a better, stronger person, but that is nothing out of the ordinary when it comes between me and Derek. And for him, I am going to make sure I reassure him on what I am made of. I will make him proud!
This blog was a lot of random thoughts today... sorry if I have your mind turning and twisting the same as mine now, but at least I had something positive to talk about in this one. That's a new start right? I had a good day, and it may be a month before the next, but at least I know there is hope of one in the future, and that they do still exist.
Yesterday. What a day! David was off of work, and being I am on spring break this week from school, we got to spend some time together... We went to BG in order for David to go to his Dr. appt, and while down there, I managed to talk David into going to the Mighty Dollar with me. :) I love the mighty dollar and dollar tree! David thinks its all junk and says there is no point in going to the "everything is $1 store" if you're going to spend at least $25 every time. He does have a point! Going to the mighty dollar is one of those hit or miss deals... sometimes you find something and others you find nothing. Yesterday, didn't find as much as I usually do but I did get some Easter basket stuffers for Trenton's Easter basket along with the stuff needed to make his goody bags for his Easter party at school. I love making goody bags for his school parties! Buying chips and so forth just isn't enough interaction with it for me so I always sign up for the goody bag list! When I was little all I ever wanted was for my mom to be at the classroom parties and for us to bring all the goodies that the other kids and their moms brought, but being mom was at work during the day, she never got to attend any of them. So since having Trenton, I have been the classroom party mom! I have not missed a party one, and never missed making my famous goody bags! Something I am very proud of considering Trenton may only be in the 2nd grade but if you factor in 2 years of preschool, and kindergarten, then I have been on my "a" game with the parties. I love it! I love going and finding the perfect little bags to stuff full with all the neatest junk gadgets you can find. And more often than not, I don't just stop with the goody bags. I always try to find something creative that I actually have to make to send with him. Last Halloween I came up with the idea of taking plastic gloves (the ones like fast food restaurants use), and stuffing them full of popcorn, and tieing it off and then adding cut out pieces of construction paper to glue to the ends of the fingertips to make it look like nails. They turned out cute as a button! And they looked just like big ole' monster hands which was the idea being it was Halloween! Everyone had a fit over them, so I do believe the popcorn monster hands will be a definite must until Trenton's childhood Halloween parties come to an end. Now, with Easter coming up, I already have me wheels turning to come up with something. I do believe I am going to take Easter eggs and glue the basket stuffer grass in them, and then take a Chick and and itty bitty wee little chick and glue them in there and it will be a little egg that you open with a little chick family in it to add along with the goody bags. Whatever I make, it will have something to do with the little fuzzy chicks I found because they are just the cutest things you've ever seen! No way will I not be able to use those little guys on something! :)
Now onto yesterday... after spending an hour in the mighty dollar and being very proud on how patient David was about me walking up and down each and every aisle looking at everything, we went over to the mall for me to return a shirt I had gotten a little while back and decided I didn't like it enough to keep. While there, I found the CUTEST shirts for $4.99!! Aww they are so pretty! Straps on them even have sparklies and everything! For a while it seemed as if I just couldn't get into the fashion statements at the time... it got a little too loose and floofy, and the rest were too short and too tight for me to like there for a while. But, being I love ruffles, bows, and flowers.... the style right now is right up my alley! I get tickled at David because every time I ask him how I look, or if a shirt looks okay, His response is "It's definitely you with all the little ruffles on it" He knows me too well! A girly girl I am! So now that the fashion is all about rosettes, ruffles, lace, and pretty colors, I am having no problem finding clothes I love! I joke all the time that when I get old I will be one of those old women with 10lbs of jewelry on and the bedazzled sweatshirts with the sparkles. And David agrees and says that is what he fears most! lol Hopefully I wont take it to the extreme that I imagine in my head and be tacky about it... but the way I love it, I have a pretty good hunch that if it isn't tacky, it will definitely be borderline tacky. Oh well, who cares? We shall just wait and see when the time comes I guess!
After finding my steal on sparklie shirts for $4.99, David and I were headed to the food court to chow down on some Bourbon Chicken and as we were passing New York & Company, something caught my attention in the window. There it hung, as pretty as could be. A coral purse with rosettes on it! For one, I LOVE coral. Second, I love cute purses. And third, I love rosettes on anything. And finally, It was the perfect style and size! So needless to say, I had to go in and check the price out and daydream about it for a minute and before I could even say "Okay, lets go. Just wanted to look at it", David had it in his hand and was standing at the counter ready to pay for it. Being he had just bought me some new shirts, I tried to tell him that I didn't want the purse and if I did, I would just come back another time to get it but he wouldn't have it. He insisted that he was buying me the purse.. and after standing there and trying to convince him it was okay and to not worry about it, he told me "Kacie, you like the purse. I seen it in your eye when you came in to look at it. If you didn't like it you wouldn't have stopped to see how much it was. I like for you to have things you like and want, and I think you deserve it" Amazing how something so simple can make me feel so good.. Just the fact that he thought I deserved it made me feel special. Although I am not quite sure why he feels that I deserved it... I haven't done anything extraordinaire to begin to think I "deserved" it, but it meant a lot to me. And now, I officially have my new purse stuffed with all the goods that I find to be a necessity no matter where I go, and I LOVE it! I can't wait until I get to show it off! Plus, spring is right around the corner and I have a bright, pretty, frilly purse to celebrate the sun with! And gosh, I can't wait for spring to get here! I have always loved summer but usually the winter isn't too bad on me. I love toboggans and scarves and all of the winter boots and clothes so usually by the time October rolls around, I am ready for some cool weather. But this year has been awful! Every year I hope and pray for snow days so that Trenton and I get some extra time just the two of us and so Trenton can go outside and play in the snow, and although I enjoyed all of my snow days with him this year, I am so over this cold weather! I am to the point that I need the sun in my life to remind me that there is a brighter side of the world that I am having trouble seeing right now. I've talked to Derek and asked him to bring me some sun so that I can get out of the house and try to enjoy a day, and he has every time. He hears me. He shows me that he does.
And after my one on one time with David yesterday, I was eager to get my hands on my little Trenton! Being the school is making up for all of the snow days this year, they are making the kids go to school for 45 mins longer every day and I didn't think 3:10 was going to get here soon enough yesterday! And after picking him up, he was in the best mood. We laughed and talked and had the best time with each other. No matter what is going on, that little boy just has a way of fixing it all. I think if you asked any mother, they would claim they are the luckiest in the world to have their children, but I believe I have them beat! ;) Derek was always so proud of Trenton... which Trenton and I talk about Uncle D a lot, and I assure him that D sees him and is watching over him, and that he will still be proud of him just the same as he was when he was here. It breaks my heart that Trenton never got to take his trip alone to see D. Derek wanted Trenton to fly up to see him by himself this summer and spend the week there, just the 2 of them. Of course Mom was freaking at the thought of Trenton getting on a plane by himself, but had accepted the thought of it when I explained to her that they would have someone with him at all times. And when the idea was brought up to Trenton, he informed me that he was spending the entire summer with D. Naturally, Derek got a kick out of that! I just wish that he had been able to have that adventure with Derek.. it breaks me heart to know that he won't get to now. Breaks my heart to think that he will never get to experience more things with Derek as he gets older, and that he no longer has an uncle around that loves him more than anything. But at least Trenton is at the age to where he will remember Derek and never forget him. I couldn't imagine how it would feel if Trenton was younger and would not remember him and only know what you told him. I don't understand how you can even begin to describe someone like Derek to someone that doesn't know him, and expect them to actually "get" what kind of a guy he was. Luckily, Trenton will know and "get" it and that is something that nobody will ever be able to take away from him.
Although I had a good day yesterday, when it came time for bed last night, I got upset. Every time I closed my eyes I saw Derek. And when I actually did doze off, it seems like all I did was dream about him all night. Although the dreams make me sad, I feel lucky that he is coming to me in my sleep. At least I have a few minutes of interacting with him again and feeling like he is there.. and get the feeling of hugging him and hearing him again. And between dreaming and waking up every 45 minutes, I layed there and felt guilty that I had actually had a decent day. It's weird because I feel so bad that I let someone occupy my mind other than Derek. It makes me feel like I have betrayed him or something... I'm not sure how to explain this feeling exactly but it's one I get and don't like. And although I lay there and feel guilty at this thought, at the same time I think that its Derek working his ways to help me through it. I have asked him to help me cope and deal with this and to let me know I am going to be okay.... maybe my decent day has something to do with that? Maybe it is him helping make these good days come in order to let me know I can still smile, breathe, and live. But if I feel like Derek is helping this happen, then why do I feel guilty for doing it? I obviously have some issues I need to get a grip on and work out within myself... until then, I will continue to look at God and Derek and trust that they know what they are doing with me. I don't think either of them would do anything intentionally to me that I can't handle. They may push me to be a better, stronger person, but that is nothing out of the ordinary when it comes between me and Derek. And for him, I am going to make sure I reassure him on what I am made of. I will make him proud!
This blog was a lot of random thoughts today... sorry if I have your mind turning and twisting the same as mine now, but at least I had something positive to talk about in this one. That's a new start right? I had a good day, and it may be a month before the next, but at least I know there is hope of one in the future, and that they do still exist.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Dear Derek
To my dearest Brother,
As you have seen every day for the past month, I am sad. I am sadder than I have ever known to be possible and I am lonelier feeling that I have ever dreamed of knowing. I have people around me that care, yes, but regardless, none of them make up for not having you. People keep telling me that it will get easier over time, and honestly, I am not so sure of that. I can't begin to imagine how any of this will ever be considered easy to my mind and soul. It's not easy not having you to call, to hear. It's not easy not having your quick witted jokes and laughter. It's not easy accepting that all I have left of you are the memories we made together and that there will be no more to add in the years to come. I believe that it is easier to convince myself that this is all a bad dream that I will wake up from one day than it is to believe that this is the truth to my life and it is a real nightmare that I will never wake from. Although I talked to you every day nearly, I feel as if it wasn't enough. I know that you already know, but I still talk to you every day. You always guided me in life and I believe that you are still there and doing just that. You may not be able to come out and tell me what you think should be done, or what you think would be best for me, but I feel as if you are going to guide me and show me what you feel and think about it and lead me to what is in the best interest of me according to your eyes. I sit and wonder how I am going to be able to deal with the obstacles life throws at me without having you to remind me of who I truly am, and reminding me of what good I bring to everyone around me without even knowing it, and of course reminding me of what we were raised to do in certain situations. When people think of being raised, they envision their parents teaching them. When I think of it, I think of you. You were the one who taught me everything I know, and the one who guided me through every day life. Whether it be you picking me up and placing me on the first step of the school bus because I was too short to step up on it by myself at 5 yrs old, or you coming home from school and always cooking me my afternoon snacks of canned chicken and dumplings. Speaking of which, remember the time you were trying to open the can of chicken and dumplings and some how managed to nearly cut the end of your finger off on the top to the can? I remember running and grabbing the toilet paper roll and you having your whole arm wrapped in a make shift ace bandage when mom came in that evening. I remember sitting in your room listening to music through your big old school headphones and you having to remind me that just because I couldn't hear myself talking, I didn't have to yell. :) Me being me and always into mischief, I remember running to your room to hide behind your bed when I was about to get a swat from the switch I myself had to pick out for my own spanking. You would stand there and refuse to let mom or dad into the room to me. Then when mom and dad got divorced, you became more than my brother. That is when you truly became my protector in life and the person I looked to for comfort. Regardless of how you felt, you made sure that I was the main priority in your life. You made sure that I knew everything was going to okay whether or not you ever truly felt it at the time or not. Since we had gotten older you had expressed to me how proud you were of me in life and how you were so proud of who and what I had become considering the circumstances I had been thrown at certain times in life. I told you then, but I have really thought about it a lot more in the past few weeks and I have to say with everything in me that it is because of you, I am who I am. You were the one teaching me the common sense of the streets, the morals of having a true heart, what a friend is and should be, and most importantly, the true definition of what unconditional love is. You have told me how proud you are of the mother I am to Trenton, but I can not take the full credit on it myself. You are the one who taught me to love with everything I have in me. To not just love parts of people but to love that person as a whole. Regardless of what someone ever did, you always found a way to see past it and to see what that person was truly made of. Something I always admired you for. Having you to talk to and be the one to lead me through life, I always had you to remind me of what life was truly about. Passion and love. Not the money, or the status of someone. Now, I have to try and figure out how to still find the beauty in the world around me without you here to remind me it exists. I am not quite sure on how or if I will for sure find a way to do this, but I know that you will find a way to make me see it. Whether it be the daffodils and daisies I love so much blooming early, or a beautiful day to free my spirit, I know that it is going to be a part of you making it happen for me. I know that you still know what I need in life and I know that you will help make it happen for me. To say that I believe this with everything in me does help me, but I can't lie to you and say that it makes any of this any easier on me. I would rather you be here to tell me what you feel and think rather than me having to guess and wait for a sign from you. I guess I am selfish. Apparently...considering the fact that at this point in time I should just be grateful to know in my heart that you are still with me. Some people are never able to accept the thought that their loved ones still embark the journey of life with them every day.... I am not sure how they can manage to convince themselves of this not being true, but I am thankful that in my heart, I know it to be true. I can feel you around me at times. I know when I saw the rainbow cloud the other day that it was you assuring me that everything will work its way out in the end. And I know you were with me in the car when the scent of you came across me so strong it was as if I were hugging you right there. I asked you to put in a good word for me and get me some sunshine, and you did. I told you about me reading the book The Lovely Bones.... and how it really made you think about things and think about all the "what ifs" when someone is gone.... lately, that book has really stuck in my mind. I wonder if you are in a place like Suzie Salmon was... you're very own heaven. Depending on what you need, and the people you loved the most need, depends on where you are, what you are doing, and what is around you. You always had a song for every occasion. Whether it be a pick me up song, an emotional one to listen and vent your feelings out through, or just a classic that would always be a favorite of yours... I wonder if you are in your heaven listening to Nick Cave and Johnny Cash, talking and reflecting with others with the same interest as you that also have a part of your heaven as theirs. I like the thought of this heaven. A heaven that is based on what you need and feel. I can only imagine what it would be like for you. Old brick paved streets lined with neon lights, with random skate ramps on the corners. And as you decide to pick up your skateboard and take off, the roads turn to the smoothest cement for perfect riding. And after you skate your hearts desire out, you stop to sit on a bench and talk to someone who is in your heaven because this too is a part of what their heaven is. You sit there and talk to them about everyone you ever loved, every song that ever moved your soul. And as you decide to fuel the need to paint as you always did, you have the largest canvas and unlimited supplies you could ever imagine. And as you stand there dipping your paintbrushes into the thick paint and placing the bristles against the canvas and start the creation of yet another masterpiece done by you, it may be a canvas you see, but it is the sky for me. With each stroke of your brush, it is a cloud, a swirl, a new color added to the sunset I am seeing from below. And as the stars come out at night, you are standing there with a mirror in just the right position to make it a little brighter for it to stand out to me here on Earth. And as you stand there moving the mirror in just the right angle and twist each time, it is you making the stars glitter and twinkle for me to see. Almost as if it is your way of saying "hello" and "I am here". Some people may think I am crazy for thinking this, but I know you understand me and you understand where I am coming from with these thoughts. You are notorious for thinking outside of the box, and always able to see where someone is coming from with their thoughts and opinions even if you have never stopped to think of it that way before or not... and being you are so good at this, that is why I know you understand me when I talk about it being your heaven. I know that one day, when it is time for me to go to my heaven, I will see you there. Just as I do in my life, I will need you in my heaven and since our heavens are what we need, we will be together again.
I've never seen anyone love like you, and I've never seen someone so loved by people like you. You talked about your friends all the time, and what they meant to you. At times you were afraid that they didn't know how much they truly meant to you... I promise you they do. I have seen it in the past month. I have seen how much they loved you too. I worry that you never realized what you meant to me and the people around you. But at the same time, I know you see it now. Knowing you see it now is not enough for me. I want to be able to tell you and show you and remind you how much you meant to me and how much I loved and love you still. And although I keep talking to you and asking you to guide me, I feel as if I need to do the same for you. You couldn't stand the thought of me being upset in life, and I keep trying to convince myself that with you being with me and watching over me that I need to do my best to make sure I don't upset you. I know you see how much we all miss you, and I know in your heaven you miss us the same. If everything was absolutely perfect in heaven then it wouldn't be based upon what you need day to day now would it?
I could go on and on with this letter to you confessing my love for you as my brother and my best friend in life, and I almost feel guilty stopping it here. But I promise you that this is not the end of hearing from me. I talk to you every day and I will continue to do so. I know you are listening, and I know you know that I am doing the same and I know that this will not be the last time you hear from me. I love you so much and I miss you so much it literally brings a physical pain to my heart. I know you are going to do your best to assure me that everything will be okay, and I know that you will do your best to help me through this. And yes Derek, I know this to be true.
Love always and forever,
Kacie
As you have seen every day for the past month, I am sad. I am sadder than I have ever known to be possible and I am lonelier feeling that I have ever dreamed of knowing. I have people around me that care, yes, but regardless, none of them make up for not having you. People keep telling me that it will get easier over time, and honestly, I am not so sure of that. I can't begin to imagine how any of this will ever be considered easy to my mind and soul. It's not easy not having you to call, to hear. It's not easy not having your quick witted jokes and laughter. It's not easy accepting that all I have left of you are the memories we made together and that there will be no more to add in the years to come. I believe that it is easier to convince myself that this is all a bad dream that I will wake up from one day than it is to believe that this is the truth to my life and it is a real nightmare that I will never wake from. Although I talked to you every day nearly, I feel as if it wasn't enough. I know that you already know, but I still talk to you every day. You always guided me in life and I believe that you are still there and doing just that. You may not be able to come out and tell me what you think should be done, or what you think would be best for me, but I feel as if you are going to guide me and show me what you feel and think about it and lead me to what is in the best interest of me according to your eyes. I sit and wonder how I am going to be able to deal with the obstacles life throws at me without having you to remind me of who I truly am, and reminding me of what good I bring to everyone around me without even knowing it, and of course reminding me of what we were raised to do in certain situations. When people think of being raised, they envision their parents teaching them. When I think of it, I think of you. You were the one who taught me everything I know, and the one who guided me through every day life. Whether it be you picking me up and placing me on the first step of the school bus because I was too short to step up on it by myself at 5 yrs old, or you coming home from school and always cooking me my afternoon snacks of canned chicken and dumplings. Speaking of which, remember the time you were trying to open the can of chicken and dumplings and some how managed to nearly cut the end of your finger off on the top to the can? I remember running and grabbing the toilet paper roll and you having your whole arm wrapped in a make shift ace bandage when mom came in that evening. I remember sitting in your room listening to music through your big old school headphones and you having to remind me that just because I couldn't hear myself talking, I didn't have to yell. :) Me being me and always into mischief, I remember running to your room to hide behind your bed when I was about to get a swat from the switch I myself had to pick out for my own spanking. You would stand there and refuse to let mom or dad into the room to me. Then when mom and dad got divorced, you became more than my brother. That is when you truly became my protector in life and the person I looked to for comfort. Regardless of how you felt, you made sure that I was the main priority in your life. You made sure that I knew everything was going to okay whether or not you ever truly felt it at the time or not. Since we had gotten older you had expressed to me how proud you were of me in life and how you were so proud of who and what I had become considering the circumstances I had been thrown at certain times in life. I told you then, but I have really thought about it a lot more in the past few weeks and I have to say with everything in me that it is because of you, I am who I am. You were the one teaching me the common sense of the streets, the morals of having a true heart, what a friend is and should be, and most importantly, the true definition of what unconditional love is. You have told me how proud you are of the mother I am to Trenton, but I can not take the full credit on it myself. You are the one who taught me to love with everything I have in me. To not just love parts of people but to love that person as a whole. Regardless of what someone ever did, you always found a way to see past it and to see what that person was truly made of. Something I always admired you for. Having you to talk to and be the one to lead me through life, I always had you to remind me of what life was truly about. Passion and love. Not the money, or the status of someone. Now, I have to try and figure out how to still find the beauty in the world around me without you here to remind me it exists. I am not quite sure on how or if I will for sure find a way to do this, but I know that you will find a way to make me see it. Whether it be the daffodils and daisies I love so much blooming early, or a beautiful day to free my spirit, I know that it is going to be a part of you making it happen for me. I know that you still know what I need in life and I know that you will help make it happen for me. To say that I believe this with everything in me does help me, but I can't lie to you and say that it makes any of this any easier on me. I would rather you be here to tell me what you feel and think rather than me having to guess and wait for a sign from you. I guess I am selfish. Apparently...considering the fact that at this point in time I should just be grateful to know in my heart that you are still with me. Some people are never able to accept the thought that their loved ones still embark the journey of life with them every day.... I am not sure how they can manage to convince themselves of this not being true, but I am thankful that in my heart, I know it to be true. I can feel you around me at times. I know when I saw the rainbow cloud the other day that it was you assuring me that everything will work its way out in the end. And I know you were with me in the car when the scent of you came across me so strong it was as if I were hugging you right there. I asked you to put in a good word for me and get me some sunshine, and you did. I told you about me reading the book The Lovely Bones.... and how it really made you think about things and think about all the "what ifs" when someone is gone.... lately, that book has really stuck in my mind. I wonder if you are in a place like Suzie Salmon was... you're very own heaven. Depending on what you need, and the people you loved the most need, depends on where you are, what you are doing, and what is around you. You always had a song for every occasion. Whether it be a pick me up song, an emotional one to listen and vent your feelings out through, or just a classic that would always be a favorite of yours... I wonder if you are in your heaven listening to Nick Cave and Johnny Cash, talking and reflecting with others with the same interest as you that also have a part of your heaven as theirs. I like the thought of this heaven. A heaven that is based on what you need and feel. I can only imagine what it would be like for you. Old brick paved streets lined with neon lights, with random skate ramps on the corners. And as you decide to pick up your skateboard and take off, the roads turn to the smoothest cement for perfect riding. And after you skate your hearts desire out, you stop to sit on a bench and talk to someone who is in your heaven because this too is a part of what their heaven is. You sit there and talk to them about everyone you ever loved, every song that ever moved your soul. And as you decide to fuel the need to paint as you always did, you have the largest canvas and unlimited supplies you could ever imagine. And as you stand there dipping your paintbrushes into the thick paint and placing the bristles against the canvas and start the creation of yet another masterpiece done by you, it may be a canvas you see, but it is the sky for me. With each stroke of your brush, it is a cloud, a swirl, a new color added to the sunset I am seeing from below. And as the stars come out at night, you are standing there with a mirror in just the right position to make it a little brighter for it to stand out to me here on Earth. And as you stand there moving the mirror in just the right angle and twist each time, it is you making the stars glitter and twinkle for me to see. Almost as if it is your way of saying "hello" and "I am here". Some people may think I am crazy for thinking this, but I know you understand me and you understand where I am coming from with these thoughts. You are notorious for thinking outside of the box, and always able to see where someone is coming from with their thoughts and opinions even if you have never stopped to think of it that way before or not... and being you are so good at this, that is why I know you understand me when I talk about it being your heaven. I know that one day, when it is time for me to go to my heaven, I will see you there. Just as I do in my life, I will need you in my heaven and since our heavens are what we need, we will be together again.
I've never seen anyone love like you, and I've never seen someone so loved by people like you. You talked about your friends all the time, and what they meant to you. At times you were afraid that they didn't know how much they truly meant to you... I promise you they do. I have seen it in the past month. I have seen how much they loved you too. I worry that you never realized what you meant to me and the people around you. But at the same time, I know you see it now. Knowing you see it now is not enough for me. I want to be able to tell you and show you and remind you how much you meant to me and how much I loved and love you still. And although I keep talking to you and asking you to guide me, I feel as if I need to do the same for you. You couldn't stand the thought of me being upset in life, and I keep trying to convince myself that with you being with me and watching over me that I need to do my best to make sure I don't upset you. I know you see how much we all miss you, and I know in your heaven you miss us the same. If everything was absolutely perfect in heaven then it wouldn't be based upon what you need day to day now would it?
I could go on and on with this letter to you confessing my love for you as my brother and my best friend in life, and I almost feel guilty stopping it here. But I promise you that this is not the end of hearing from me. I talk to you every day and I will continue to do so. I know you are listening, and I know you know that I am doing the same and I know that this will not be the last time you hear from me. I love you so much and I miss you so much it literally brings a physical pain to my heart. I know you are going to do your best to assure me that everything will be okay, and I know that you will do your best to help me through this. And yes Derek, I know this to be true.
Love always and forever,
Kacie
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Raindrops
Can you believe that I actually took a few days from blogging? Yeah, I know! Strange for me lately huh? Well have no fear, I am back! And back with a vengeance! (Insert evil laugh here)
The past few days have been sunny and busy! Two things that I needed in my life in order to keep my little peanut brain from going into overload and burning out even more on me than it already is. Although I still feel behind and lost in school, I think I may just be back on track for the most part which is a comfort within it's own. I was doing so good this year about making sure I did my homework and studying as soon as I got home from my classes instead of waiting until the night before class the following week to worry and start on things... and although I am still not up to par on everything like I was in the beginning of this semester, I am trying my hardest to get back to where I need to be. I actually had a thought of maybe dropping this semester and trying it again next semester with everything going on right now... Why? Well for one, missing 3 weeks worth of classes definitely put me behind, and even though I am now back in class, it's almost as if I am there physically but my mind is somewhere else. I do good for the first 30-45 mins with staying focused and on task, but after that it seems as if my mind turns on and I start thinking only about my brother... and once that happens, it's over. I can't tell you a single thing the teacher said to me or who was sitting next to me for that matter once I get Derek on my mind. Now that I believe I am semi caught up with it, I do believe I am going to push through this and make it happen and not be a quitter. Derek would have a cow if he ever thought I quit at anything in life and I am not about to start giving up and quitting on him now. He was so proud that I was back in school and would always refer to when I got pregnant in high school, everyone thought that was the end of my future but I picked a fight and I won it... and look at me now, working on my 2nd degree. And when he would say this to me, it always made me feel like I did prove everyone wrong about their assumptions of me and that I did prove to the world I was not your stereotypical teenage mom. So with that conversation, and the feeling it brings back to me to think of it, I CAN, I WILL, and I AM going to finish school. And not only will I do all 3 of those, I WILL do my best on top of it!
Kudos for the sunshine 'eh?!? Call me crazy, I don't care but I actually did lay in the bed and ask Derek to see what he could work out with the big guy upstairs about bringing some sunshine into my life... true story! And the next 2 days were absolutely beautiful!!! I know that most of you are thinking "big deal the weatherman told us it was going to be"... but keep in mind you little dwellers that the weatherman messes up more often than not when it comes to the weather! And don't try to deny it either because you know that I am right! :) And regardless of whether or not a man could read the screen and tell us what the next few days hold, I do believe he is not the one that created those days of sun so him reading a screen does not make him a participant in this beautiful weather. My brother on the other hand, who has the main hookup when it comes to things right now, I believe did have something to do with it. Besides, anytime I ever needed anything at all, Derek always made sure it happened for me so why in the world would I all of a sudden start believing that he would be any different about it? Exactly.. I'm not.
With the sun being out, and weather pretty enough to finally wear my new rosette sandals, I was out and about the other day with no destination. I had the window's down, and was listening to a cd that Derek had burned that said "waiting for the sunshine" that was filled with some uplifting oldies, and of course a few johnny cash songs, and was driving around aimlessly in his car enjoying the day. And while I was driving, I had a scent of him hit me in the car. Strange because the window's were down and you would think that would just let all of the gas guzzling, smoke blowing trucks fumes into the car with me.. but while I was sitting at a red light, I had the strongest scent of my brother come over me. I could smell him. The way he smelled when I hugged him! And after sitting there and taking it in with everything I had in me, and actually rolling the windows up as quick as I could for fear of losing it, I drove over to a parking lot to sit for a minute. As I pulled into the parking lot, I pulled into the back parking spaces and put the car in park and sat there crying for what seemed like an eternity, but I believe it was probably only about 3 minutes. And while sitting there having my moment, I spoke out loud and said "Derek, I just wish I knew for sure you were with me. People tell me you are, but I wish I knew for sure. When you were here with me, I could see you and hear you and know it. I feel it, but I want to know it." And after saying that I for some reason looked over to my left, and saw a cloud. A rainbow cloud. Literally. There was no rainbow in the sky below it, and no extension of the rainbow in the sky above it. It was just that one single cloud that was the brightest rainbow you can imagine. And as I sat there and stared at it, within a minute or two, it vanished. It was then just the same cloud but with no rainbow. And, I smiled. Derek had shown me that he was there. He did just as I asked, and proved it to me to let me see it, and to let me know it. And the irony of this rainbow cloud is that Derek always told me that after every storm there is a rainbow. No matter what was going on in my life, that was the phrase that he used to assure me that everything would work itself out and that I would be okay. He actually started telling me that when I was a little girl and he would be forced to watch The Wizard of Oz with me over and over until my tape finally wore out to the point you could no longer tell where ToTo was due to the tracking lines that would not clear out from the screen. And on the day of Derek's graveside service, it was pouring rain and the preacher mentioned something I had wrote to Derek that said "you were the reason I smiled on rainy days", and then went into the fact that "after every storm, there is a calm. A calm where a rainbow comes out". Pretty much the same thing Derek always said to me, but the preacher didn't know that it was the phrase Derek would say to me.... which in fact at that moment of sitting in that chair, looking down at a marble urn that said 'Derek Adam Byrd', I couldn't help but feel it was Derek talking to me and using the preacher as his messenger to tell me that everything will be okay. And back to the day of the rainbow cloud... after the cloud was no longer the rainbow, I sat there and thought and thought and thought some more. What were the odds that I would be sitting at that red light and get a scent of my brother so strong that it made me pull into a random parking lot? What are the odds that out of the entire parking lot, I pulled and parked into the space that allowed me to be able to see that cloud over the building so precise? And what are the odds of nothing at all grabbing my attention to make me look over to left, but I did..for just because? And what are the odds of when looking to my left instead of noticing the people walking and the cars driving by, my eyes went straight to a cloud instead? And what are the odds of me seeing a rainbow cloud that only lasted a matter of a minute or two? And the odds of it being a rainbow after me asking Derek to show me he is here with me, and it also being what he used to say to me? Those are not odds. It was Derek. Derek showing me he is with me, and showing me that he still loves and thinks of me just as much as I do him. And people may think I am crazy for believing this, and may think that I am taking every little thing in life to the extreme and relating it to him, and that is fine if they think that. But in my heart, I know different and that is all that matters to me. If this is the way I have to believe and feel in order to survive this thing I called life right now, so be it. If it is what will make me still see the many blessing I do have around me still, I will do it. And I will believe in it 100%!
This morning has been a rough one. There is no sun. Just darkness. Almost to the point to where I could literally turn a lamp on and it's only 10:30 am. Rainy and yucky. And Trenton is at his Daddy's for the weekend, and it is David's Saturday to work, so there is nothing to occupy my mind but myself which is a scary thought within itself. I dreamed about Derek again last night and as soon as I woke up this morning, I have had him weighing on my heart and mind extremely. I loved my brother so much, and I know that he loved me but I sit here and think that I should have told him even more. We talked everyday, and said we loved each other every day, but it feels like that wasn't enough. Would I feel this way if we had been able to have another 50 years together and something happened? I think so... at least that is what I want to believe that way I can assure myself that I am not just being irrational about this to myself. I would give everything I own in order to talk to him just one more time. To hear him. To see him. Is it wrong of me to get angry when people tell me he is in a place where he is not suffering? Suffering? Derek wasn't suffering. Derek was 33 years old and full of life. It's not like he had a terminal illness and was just laying there suffering. To hear people tell me that, I literally just want to tell them to shut up and that they have no idea what they are talking about. No, I don't. And no, I won't. I do understand that people have an awkwardness in themselves about it being everyone knows there is nothing you can say or do to make someone feel better when something like this happens... I've been there before when it has came to things happening to friends and stuff... but sometimes, its better to just not say anything at all than to say something absurd like that. And I guess one thing that has came about of all of this has been the fact that I have seen who the true friends in my life are. Some are one's I never actually realized, and others aren't the ones that I thought they were. I guess I could be thankful for seeing this now, instead of later down the road after more time and effort is spent towards them on a one sided deal... its obvious I have more than one thing to work out in my mind right now.
Not sure if I mentioned it before or not, but I got my teardrop necklace. It's a silver teardrop and inside of it there are some of Derek's ashes in it. I haven't taken it off since receiving it. And won't. And I also got a mini urn that is about 4 inches tall that is pewter and silver, and it has some of his ashes, along with a lock of his hair in it. Mom didn't get one of those because she couldn't stand the thought of having it (she has her own thoughts and feelings about all of this she is dealing with) and knowing it was Derek in it and that is actually why his ashes were buried, but it helps me to know I do have a piece of him forever.
Since this blog has turned into a depressive one, I will do you the honor of stopping here. Hopefully Derek will work something out with his hook up in heaven for the sun to come back out for all of us. I know everyone has been enjoying this weather and we all needed it! And hopefully it will happen sooner than later because I am not for sure how long I will mentally be able to handle this rain, and drear in the air like today. I've only been awake for a little over 2 hours and it seems as if I am ready for this day to already be over with. So in order to hurry it along, I do believe I will try and clean out the spare room and at least do something productive all the while my mind is racing to a finish line that does not exist.
The past few days have been sunny and busy! Two things that I needed in my life in order to keep my little peanut brain from going into overload and burning out even more on me than it already is. Although I still feel behind and lost in school, I think I may just be back on track for the most part which is a comfort within it's own. I was doing so good this year about making sure I did my homework and studying as soon as I got home from my classes instead of waiting until the night before class the following week to worry and start on things... and although I am still not up to par on everything like I was in the beginning of this semester, I am trying my hardest to get back to where I need to be. I actually had a thought of maybe dropping this semester and trying it again next semester with everything going on right now... Why? Well for one, missing 3 weeks worth of classes definitely put me behind, and even though I am now back in class, it's almost as if I am there physically but my mind is somewhere else. I do good for the first 30-45 mins with staying focused and on task, but after that it seems as if my mind turns on and I start thinking only about my brother... and once that happens, it's over. I can't tell you a single thing the teacher said to me or who was sitting next to me for that matter once I get Derek on my mind. Now that I believe I am semi caught up with it, I do believe I am going to push through this and make it happen and not be a quitter. Derek would have a cow if he ever thought I quit at anything in life and I am not about to start giving up and quitting on him now. He was so proud that I was back in school and would always refer to when I got pregnant in high school, everyone thought that was the end of my future but I picked a fight and I won it... and look at me now, working on my 2nd degree. And when he would say this to me, it always made me feel like I did prove everyone wrong about their assumptions of me and that I did prove to the world I was not your stereotypical teenage mom. So with that conversation, and the feeling it brings back to me to think of it, I CAN, I WILL, and I AM going to finish school. And not only will I do all 3 of those, I WILL do my best on top of it!
Kudos for the sunshine 'eh?!? Call me crazy, I don't care but I actually did lay in the bed and ask Derek to see what he could work out with the big guy upstairs about bringing some sunshine into my life... true story! And the next 2 days were absolutely beautiful!!! I know that most of you are thinking "big deal the weatherman told us it was going to be"... but keep in mind you little dwellers that the weatherman messes up more often than not when it comes to the weather! And don't try to deny it either because you know that I am right! :) And regardless of whether or not a man could read the screen and tell us what the next few days hold, I do believe he is not the one that created those days of sun so him reading a screen does not make him a participant in this beautiful weather. My brother on the other hand, who has the main hookup when it comes to things right now, I believe did have something to do with it. Besides, anytime I ever needed anything at all, Derek always made sure it happened for me so why in the world would I all of a sudden start believing that he would be any different about it? Exactly.. I'm not.
With the sun being out, and weather pretty enough to finally wear my new rosette sandals, I was out and about the other day with no destination. I had the window's down, and was listening to a cd that Derek had burned that said "waiting for the sunshine" that was filled with some uplifting oldies, and of course a few johnny cash songs, and was driving around aimlessly in his car enjoying the day. And while I was driving, I had a scent of him hit me in the car. Strange because the window's were down and you would think that would just let all of the gas guzzling, smoke blowing trucks fumes into the car with me.. but while I was sitting at a red light, I had the strongest scent of my brother come over me. I could smell him. The way he smelled when I hugged him! And after sitting there and taking it in with everything I had in me, and actually rolling the windows up as quick as I could for fear of losing it, I drove over to a parking lot to sit for a minute. As I pulled into the parking lot, I pulled into the back parking spaces and put the car in park and sat there crying for what seemed like an eternity, but I believe it was probably only about 3 minutes. And while sitting there having my moment, I spoke out loud and said "Derek, I just wish I knew for sure you were with me. People tell me you are, but I wish I knew for sure. When you were here with me, I could see you and hear you and know it. I feel it, but I want to know it." And after saying that I for some reason looked over to my left, and saw a cloud. A rainbow cloud. Literally. There was no rainbow in the sky below it, and no extension of the rainbow in the sky above it. It was just that one single cloud that was the brightest rainbow you can imagine. And as I sat there and stared at it, within a minute or two, it vanished. It was then just the same cloud but with no rainbow. And, I smiled. Derek had shown me that he was there. He did just as I asked, and proved it to me to let me see it, and to let me know it. And the irony of this rainbow cloud is that Derek always told me that after every storm there is a rainbow. No matter what was going on in my life, that was the phrase that he used to assure me that everything would work itself out and that I would be okay. He actually started telling me that when I was a little girl and he would be forced to watch The Wizard of Oz with me over and over until my tape finally wore out to the point you could no longer tell where ToTo was due to the tracking lines that would not clear out from the screen. And on the day of Derek's graveside service, it was pouring rain and the preacher mentioned something I had wrote to Derek that said "you were the reason I smiled on rainy days", and then went into the fact that "after every storm, there is a calm. A calm where a rainbow comes out". Pretty much the same thing Derek always said to me, but the preacher didn't know that it was the phrase Derek would say to me.... which in fact at that moment of sitting in that chair, looking down at a marble urn that said 'Derek Adam Byrd', I couldn't help but feel it was Derek talking to me and using the preacher as his messenger to tell me that everything will be okay. And back to the day of the rainbow cloud... after the cloud was no longer the rainbow, I sat there and thought and thought and thought some more. What were the odds that I would be sitting at that red light and get a scent of my brother so strong that it made me pull into a random parking lot? What are the odds that out of the entire parking lot, I pulled and parked into the space that allowed me to be able to see that cloud over the building so precise? And what are the odds of nothing at all grabbing my attention to make me look over to left, but I did..for just because? And what are the odds of when looking to my left instead of noticing the people walking and the cars driving by, my eyes went straight to a cloud instead? And what are the odds of me seeing a rainbow cloud that only lasted a matter of a minute or two? And the odds of it being a rainbow after me asking Derek to show me he is here with me, and it also being what he used to say to me? Those are not odds. It was Derek. Derek showing me he is with me, and showing me that he still loves and thinks of me just as much as I do him. And people may think I am crazy for believing this, and may think that I am taking every little thing in life to the extreme and relating it to him, and that is fine if they think that. But in my heart, I know different and that is all that matters to me. If this is the way I have to believe and feel in order to survive this thing I called life right now, so be it. If it is what will make me still see the many blessing I do have around me still, I will do it. And I will believe in it 100%!
This morning has been a rough one. There is no sun. Just darkness. Almost to the point to where I could literally turn a lamp on and it's only 10:30 am. Rainy and yucky. And Trenton is at his Daddy's for the weekend, and it is David's Saturday to work, so there is nothing to occupy my mind but myself which is a scary thought within itself. I dreamed about Derek again last night and as soon as I woke up this morning, I have had him weighing on my heart and mind extremely. I loved my brother so much, and I know that he loved me but I sit here and think that I should have told him even more. We talked everyday, and said we loved each other every day, but it feels like that wasn't enough. Would I feel this way if we had been able to have another 50 years together and something happened? I think so... at least that is what I want to believe that way I can assure myself that I am not just being irrational about this to myself. I would give everything I own in order to talk to him just one more time. To hear him. To see him. Is it wrong of me to get angry when people tell me he is in a place where he is not suffering? Suffering? Derek wasn't suffering. Derek was 33 years old and full of life. It's not like he had a terminal illness and was just laying there suffering. To hear people tell me that, I literally just want to tell them to shut up and that they have no idea what they are talking about. No, I don't. And no, I won't. I do understand that people have an awkwardness in themselves about it being everyone knows there is nothing you can say or do to make someone feel better when something like this happens... I've been there before when it has came to things happening to friends and stuff... but sometimes, its better to just not say anything at all than to say something absurd like that. And I guess one thing that has came about of all of this has been the fact that I have seen who the true friends in my life are. Some are one's I never actually realized, and others aren't the ones that I thought they were. I guess I could be thankful for seeing this now, instead of later down the road after more time and effort is spent towards them on a one sided deal... its obvious I have more than one thing to work out in my mind right now.
Not sure if I mentioned it before or not, but I got my teardrop necklace. It's a silver teardrop and inside of it there are some of Derek's ashes in it. I haven't taken it off since receiving it. And won't. And I also got a mini urn that is about 4 inches tall that is pewter and silver, and it has some of his ashes, along with a lock of his hair in it. Mom didn't get one of those because she couldn't stand the thought of having it (she has her own thoughts and feelings about all of this she is dealing with) and knowing it was Derek in it and that is actually why his ashes were buried, but it helps me to know I do have a piece of him forever.
Since this blog has turned into a depressive one, I will do you the honor of stopping here. Hopefully Derek will work something out with his hook up in heaven for the sun to come back out for all of us. I know everyone has been enjoying this weather and we all needed it! And hopefully it will happen sooner than later because I am not for sure how long I will mentally be able to handle this rain, and drear in the air like today. I've only been awake for a little over 2 hours and it seems as if I am ready for this day to already be over with. So in order to hurry it along, I do believe I will try and clean out the spare room and at least do something productive all the while my mind is racing to a finish line that does not exist.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Afterwhile Crocodile
I'm going to be as straight forward and to the point as much as possible in this blog to try and cut down on your chances of having to soon get prescription reading glasses, due to reading horrendously long blogs that I type. Here goes...
This weekend has been a rough one on me. Between the agony of me missing my brother and having only him on my mind, and not getting much sleep due to nightmares and weird dreams, along with not getting any because of just laying in bed staring at the ceiling and thinking, I am mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. No matter what I do, or where I go, my brother is on my mind. It's as if almost everything I see reminds me of him in some way or another. Just looking at people's facebooks remind me of things between me and him. I was browsing some pics on a FB page last night where a very sweet mother took her little girl to The American Girl Doll Company. No big deal right? Beautiful pics, beautiful family, and what looked to be a perfect birthday for a 3yr old little girl. While looking at these pics, I got so emotional that I couldn't hardly stand it. All I could think about was when I went to see Derek last year and the day we were riding into NYC he kept telling me he had a big surprise for me. Yes, I begged him to tell me... he didn't and wouldn't. So as we were walking the crazy blocks, crowded with hundreds of people, we come to a corner and take a right. And to that right was The American Doll Place. You would think I was 5yrs old all over again when I seen it and the funny part was that I still had no clue that that in fact was my surprise from Derek. As we stood on the street corner, and I stood looking in awe through the window, Derek told me that he in fact had been in the city one day and took a wrong turn and came upon it and as soon as he seen it, he knew he was bringing me there since those dolls were always my childhood dream. Yes dream, being I never had one. We both walked around and looked at every thing you could think of to buy for these dolls, how you could make them look like you now compared to the original kirsten, Samantha, etc... and through out this, he seemed just as excited as I was. No not about seeing the dolls but about seeing me excited. We came up to a little scene set up that was a beauty shop and I was looking at all the little hair curlers, blow driers, and clips when Derek looked at me and said "I know it may be a little late in life to bring you here now, but dreams never die right?"... that day was a day between the two of us that I will always hold so dearly to me heart. Not just the surprise, but the day we got to spend together in general being they were few and far since he had moved away. Of course when he would fly into town we got to see each other, but then again he also had a billion other people he wanted to see and that also wanted to see him, and I understood that the same as I understood when we would fly up there we always stayed so busy because he wanted to show me everything he did there and everywhere he went, and all of his "family" he had made there. And since I have already gotten started and going on... point is, everything brings back a memory of my brother. And although I get terribly sad when this happens, should I really? I mean, should I not be thankful that I have memories with him to hold onto forever? Yes, I suppose I should be. And yes, I am. I just feel like it isn't enough. After reading the page in his sketchbook where he was talking about how he felt like I deserved so much more than I had, I keep thinking about it over and over. I believe it was the other way around. He deserved more than he had. Deserved to have a longer life. Deserved to know how much he was loved. He deserved the world. I am not just saying that because he is my brother, but because it didn't matter what was going on, or what you needed, Derek was there and if it called for him doing without, in his eye, so be it. He would do without to make sure you had what you needed. He put the people around him before himself, and cared more for the world around him at any given moment than most people do in a lifetime.
When people ask me how I am, what do I say? "I'm okay.. just hard right now". I lie. I am not okay with this. I try to say it in order to convince myself that I am and will be, but so far, it is not working. If I truly broke down and let someone see how I feel, they would probably need some serious mental evaluations done afterwards. The ball of emotions that run through me right now are enough to break the strongest man in the world. But what am I supposed to say to people? "I'm not okay! I feel horrible! I wish you could feel as bad as I do so you could understand! I am mad at the world! I am heart-broken, I am not me!?" That obviously would not help me or the person listening.... I've been praying for strength through this. I hope it works. Derek always told me I was "the strongest "little" person he's ever met, that when something would get thrown my way in life, I would pick a fight with it and win it every time." If that is the case... why do I feel so weak and helpless right now? I do not believe I am strong.... I believe I am at my weakest.
And friends.... amazing how people you haven't talked to in years have been there more for ya then the one's that are supposed to be your true friends. Derek was always my mentor when it came to telling me advice about my so called "friends". He would tell the truth and at times I didn't believe him, or didn't want to believe him about what he saw in them, but I have to admit, which I did to him also more than one time, he was always right. And now these same "friends" that I have managed to go back and forth with for years, are proving his words all over again. Just because you call me, does not mean you care. If you call me and want to tell me how bad of a day you are having and how you don't know how you are going to handle it and that you can't do this and couldn't do this because it was such a bad day.... maybe you need to stand in my shoes for a minute and then evaluate what a bad day is. Then you have your friends that seem as if they are on stacker 9000 and going mach 9 over the phone about a bunch of bologna that I wouldn't even care about even if none of this was going on. They can't take a breath long enough to ask how you are or to say a kind word to you... but in the conversation they are quick to tell you what someone else said about how they felt about all of this. I can't stand a heartless person. I have no use for them. Sooner than later, these people will realize what being heartless gets them in life. Nothing and nobody. You will never have anything because you will never try and earn it, and you will have nobody because nobody will want to be around you and listen to your bullshit all of the time. That my friend, is a guarantee. And although you may have people around you right this minute, I would bet money that when you lay in bed at night, you still feel lonely because you yourself do not even like yourself. If you can't find the good in your life and yourself, do you honestly think anybody else is going to see it either? No. Probably because when people do the things you do, there is nothing good to look for. It's simply just not there. And to the ones who will be looking for me to be there for them through life changing experiences later on down the road, get that out of your mind quick. Please. I am also done with being there for you when you are nowhere to be found when someone needs you. You too will be alone in the end and you know this too.... that's why you already are.
Sorry, I had to vent the friendship thing out. It's been bothering me... obviously!
And on top of this horrible weekend I have had..... today is a rainy day that I would love to do nothing more than crawl up in the bed and sleep through but I must truck on because I have classes today. maybe for once I will get lucky and get a parking place in the front of the parking lot. Chances are slim though!
And to close this "not supposed to be long blog" out, I must end it by saying that we did go to Chuck E Cheese last night for another try at a good time since the last one wasn't the best for me. And yes, we had an awesome time. I even splurged and spent more money on tokens than I ever have, determined that I was going to play this certain game that I had figured the winning route to, over and over in order to make sure Trenton got some awesome prizes. 1800 tickets!!! He was tickled! And he was such a big boy! Very proud I was!!!
Now- I promised I would end it. And I am. Later Alligator!
This weekend has been a rough one on me. Between the agony of me missing my brother and having only him on my mind, and not getting much sleep due to nightmares and weird dreams, along with not getting any because of just laying in bed staring at the ceiling and thinking, I am mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. No matter what I do, or where I go, my brother is on my mind. It's as if almost everything I see reminds me of him in some way or another. Just looking at people's facebooks remind me of things between me and him. I was browsing some pics on a FB page last night where a very sweet mother took her little girl to The American Girl Doll Company. No big deal right? Beautiful pics, beautiful family, and what looked to be a perfect birthday for a 3yr old little girl. While looking at these pics, I got so emotional that I couldn't hardly stand it. All I could think about was when I went to see Derek last year and the day we were riding into NYC he kept telling me he had a big surprise for me. Yes, I begged him to tell me... he didn't and wouldn't. So as we were walking the crazy blocks, crowded with hundreds of people, we come to a corner and take a right. And to that right was The American Doll Place. You would think I was 5yrs old all over again when I seen it and the funny part was that I still had no clue that that in fact was my surprise from Derek. As we stood on the street corner, and I stood looking in awe through the window, Derek told me that he in fact had been in the city one day and took a wrong turn and came upon it and as soon as he seen it, he knew he was bringing me there since those dolls were always my childhood dream. Yes dream, being I never had one. We both walked around and looked at every thing you could think of to buy for these dolls, how you could make them look like you now compared to the original kirsten, Samantha, etc... and through out this, he seemed just as excited as I was. No not about seeing the dolls but about seeing me excited. We came up to a little scene set up that was a beauty shop and I was looking at all the little hair curlers, blow driers, and clips when Derek looked at me and said "I know it may be a little late in life to bring you here now, but dreams never die right?"... that day was a day between the two of us that I will always hold so dearly to me heart. Not just the surprise, but the day we got to spend together in general being they were few and far since he had moved away. Of course when he would fly into town we got to see each other, but then again he also had a billion other people he wanted to see and that also wanted to see him, and I understood that the same as I understood when we would fly up there we always stayed so busy because he wanted to show me everything he did there and everywhere he went, and all of his "family" he had made there. And since I have already gotten started and going on... point is, everything brings back a memory of my brother. And although I get terribly sad when this happens, should I really? I mean, should I not be thankful that I have memories with him to hold onto forever? Yes, I suppose I should be. And yes, I am. I just feel like it isn't enough. After reading the page in his sketchbook where he was talking about how he felt like I deserved so much more than I had, I keep thinking about it over and over. I believe it was the other way around. He deserved more than he had. Deserved to have a longer life. Deserved to know how much he was loved. He deserved the world. I am not just saying that because he is my brother, but because it didn't matter what was going on, or what you needed, Derek was there and if it called for him doing without, in his eye, so be it. He would do without to make sure you had what you needed. He put the people around him before himself, and cared more for the world around him at any given moment than most people do in a lifetime.
When people ask me how I am, what do I say? "I'm okay.. just hard right now". I lie. I am not okay with this. I try to say it in order to convince myself that I am and will be, but so far, it is not working. If I truly broke down and let someone see how I feel, they would probably need some serious mental evaluations done afterwards. The ball of emotions that run through me right now are enough to break the strongest man in the world. But what am I supposed to say to people? "I'm not okay! I feel horrible! I wish you could feel as bad as I do so you could understand! I am mad at the world! I am heart-broken, I am not me!?" That obviously would not help me or the person listening.... I've been praying for strength through this. I hope it works. Derek always told me I was "the strongest "little" person he's ever met, that when something would get thrown my way in life, I would pick a fight with it and win it every time." If that is the case... why do I feel so weak and helpless right now? I do not believe I am strong.... I believe I am at my weakest.
And friends.... amazing how people you haven't talked to in years have been there more for ya then the one's that are supposed to be your true friends. Derek was always my mentor when it came to telling me advice about my so called "friends". He would tell the truth and at times I didn't believe him, or didn't want to believe him about what he saw in them, but I have to admit, which I did to him also more than one time, he was always right. And now these same "friends" that I have managed to go back and forth with for years, are proving his words all over again. Just because you call me, does not mean you care. If you call me and want to tell me how bad of a day you are having and how you don't know how you are going to handle it and that you can't do this and couldn't do this because it was such a bad day.... maybe you need to stand in my shoes for a minute and then evaluate what a bad day is. Then you have your friends that seem as if they are on stacker 9000 and going mach 9 over the phone about a bunch of bologna that I wouldn't even care about even if none of this was going on. They can't take a breath long enough to ask how you are or to say a kind word to you... but in the conversation they are quick to tell you what someone else said about how they felt about all of this. I can't stand a heartless person. I have no use for them. Sooner than later, these people will realize what being heartless gets them in life. Nothing and nobody. You will never have anything because you will never try and earn it, and you will have nobody because nobody will want to be around you and listen to your bullshit all of the time. That my friend, is a guarantee. And although you may have people around you right this minute, I would bet money that when you lay in bed at night, you still feel lonely because you yourself do not even like yourself. If you can't find the good in your life and yourself, do you honestly think anybody else is going to see it either? No. Probably because when people do the things you do, there is nothing good to look for. It's simply just not there. And to the ones who will be looking for me to be there for them through life changing experiences later on down the road, get that out of your mind quick. Please. I am also done with being there for you when you are nowhere to be found when someone needs you. You too will be alone in the end and you know this too.... that's why you already are.
Sorry, I had to vent the friendship thing out. It's been bothering me... obviously!
And on top of this horrible weekend I have had..... today is a rainy day that I would love to do nothing more than crawl up in the bed and sleep through but I must truck on because I have classes today. maybe for once I will get lucky and get a parking place in the front of the parking lot. Chances are slim though!
And to close this "not supposed to be long blog" out, I must end it by saying that we did go to Chuck E Cheese last night for another try at a good time since the last one wasn't the best for me. And yes, we had an awesome time. I even splurged and spent more money on tokens than I ever have, determined that I was going to play this certain game that I had figured the winning route to, over and over in order to make sure Trenton got some awesome prizes. 1800 tickets!!! He was tickled! And he was such a big boy! Very proud I was!!!
Now- I promised I would end it. And I am. Later Alligator!
Friday, February 25, 2011
No need to keep up with the Joneses if the Joneses won't be there
Blah, Blah, Blah! That is exactly the way I felt all day long today! No matter how many Vanilla Frappuccino's I grabbed from the cooler at the convenient store that would normally make my day just by being able to taste the yumminess of it's smoothness in my throat, I could have swore for a moment that they were literally just making me feel even more blah than I already was. After 4... I decided that was enough money wasted towards something that obviously was not perking me up. But I did stop by Mama's today after I got out of class, and I had a really good visit with her. Although I didn't stay too terribly long because of being so sleepy from the crashing effect I was suffering from drinking too many frapps, it was still a good visit. Something I was really needing after sitting around and thinking for too long last night! And while I was there, I also got my things from the funeral home. I didn't realize they would be in so quickly but Mom went and picked them up for me today and I now have a necklace that is sterling silver, and is what I would call a tear-drop shape (its actually very chic looking) that has some of my brother's ashes in it, and I also have the ittiest bittiest little urn you've ever seen with some of his ashes, and hair in it. Not sure what made me want to do this, or even think of it for that matter, but when I got home with my urn, I opened it to look in it... For some reason, I wanted to make sure everything was in there. It is. And it helps me to know I still have a piece of him with me forever. Even when I am out and about, he is with me around my neck, protecting and watching over me as he always did. Mom got a necklace too but hers is in the shape of a heart. She told me it was comforting to her also... so that is one good thing in our day today. Something of Derek comforted us rather than making us sad. May sound small to you, but at least it is a start at this life we are having to adjust to. Mom herself could not find it in her to get a mini urn... that is actually why she buried his ashes because she says she doesn't think she can handle the heartache of seeing an urn and knowing it is him. To each his own though right? We all handle things differently, and we all grieve differently. I like my mini one, and it in fact looks like one that Derek himself would pick out.
Let me go on next by saying that Trenton was the sweetest little thing today! He got right up, got himself dressed fully (this is a never!!! Picture me normally dressing him while he is still sound asleep laying in the bed.. having to tap on either leg to let him know to raise it to put his sock on, or to put that leg in his jeans, and the same with his feet. I think the only physical part of getting dressed for Trent in the mornings is when I have to have him sit up so I can put his shirt on him but even then, as soon as he feel it come over his head, he instantly falls backwards onto the pill and back to sleep before you can blink an eye), brushed his teeth, and then even stood there for 5 minutes just brushing with water convincing me that he was doing an extra good job at "polishing" his teeth. Then he took it upon himself to wet and comb his hair, although I did have to do a few minor adjustments since he decided to do like I do with it and put some gel in it except instead of a nickel sized amount, I would say he used a half dollar sized amount and then proceeded with combing it straight back. He is convinced that "cool kids" wear their hair gelled and combed back and that it makes him look like a biker dude... I think of the greasers from the outsiders, so now Trent himself calls it the greaser look. :) And even after doing everything to help me out on a tight schedule this morning, he managed to stop dead in his tracks while walking through the kitchen, turn around, run up to me and give me one of the biggest hugs ever! If the hug wasn't enough to already fix my moment of blahness, he then continued to tell me how good of a job I do at driving a stick shift while going down the road. Now, if more men could just be so considerate and determined to let the women in their lives know they are amazed at what they can do, this world would be a better place! At least for us girls it would be! Luckily, I have not only Trenton who does this for me, but David too. :)
After all my sweetness from Trenton, and then being totally stressed out in class today trying to get caught up, Trenton asked if he could stay with his Nana tonight so he could help take care of her. Bless his heart... when he called to ask her, he said "Hello Nana, this is Trenton. Do you care if I stay the night with you tonight? Mommy said I have to ask you and it is whatever you want, but I really do want to come take care of you tonight so can you make it what I want too? I promise I will be a good boy Nana because I know you are upset about D but I love him too Nana and won't act ugly." Of course, she said yes! So Trent is with Mom tonight... God love him! He is just the sweetest thing sometimes! Even trying to describe him the best I can, it still does no justice for who he truly is and what he is really like in person. To really get the full effect of Trenton, you have to hear his soft little voice saying it. And when you do if you haven't already, you will then understand why everyone melts like butter when it comes to him. Lets just hope he never realizes he has these powers over everyone in his life! Haha!
As soon as I got home from visiting mom, my blahness came back into effect yet again. Not sad. Not happy. Not anything. Just blah. I was convinced that a good pair of high heels, a little make up, some sparkly dangle earrings, and a fancy top would cure this blahness. It did! I got as fixed up as possible without looking out of place (seriously.. you don't want to go overboard and look like you're trying to go to prom or anything with it! lol), and David, my friend Stacy and her boyfriend Jon and I went to Bowling Green to eat at Olive Garden. Oh my gosh was it good! I am not sure how I manage to do it, and it's only there... but I seriously think I could out eat a grown man in that place. Actually, I do every time. I out do David when it comes to eating there and that is a big accomplishment considering he will eat, eat, eat, and then eat some more no matter where we are. With it being my favorite place to eat, I guess that has a lot to do with it also! But even though the heels perked me up, and I was with good company, enjoying good food, I still thought about my brother. The last time I flew up to see him by myself, my last night there Derek and I went and ate at Olive Garden. I always get the Parmesan crusted tilapia, but when he ordered Lasagna that night, I went with the same for myself. We both ate until we were almost sick that night... I remember it so clear that I remember the drinks the girls in the booth across from us were ordering and how Derek cracked up and started with his jokes about how big the glasses were and how little the girls were.... and now that I think about it, I enjoyed dinner tonight along with the thoughts of my brother instead of making myself upset over the memory I was reliving about him. Another accomplishment for me today. Again, at least I am able to be thankful for these memories today and not hate the hurt I feel when thinking about him. I did it. I was able to think of my brother and smile! And more than once today!
Lately I've been complaining that nights are my worst.. and they truly are but I never realized why it gets worst at night than in the day until the car ride home while ago. For one, driving his car around keeps him on my mind while I am in it, so to be going down the interstate so miserably full that neither David nor I had the energy to keep a conversation going, all it did was allow me to think about Derek even more. I have originally been thinking that my nights are the worst because it is when everything slows down. Trenton is in bed and not running around and keeping me occupied, and all of the other errands and people have slowed down and stopped for the day too, leaving me here and unable to sleep with a mind racing and just thinking even more. But on the way home tonight while driving on the parkway that seemed to stretch 100 miles instead of the 14 it really does, it dawned on me why nights are so bad. Nights are when I talked to Derek. He worked night shift at ESPN... sometimes from 4 pm - 4 am... so what was considered my night, was his day. Even though my phone had already stopped ringing for the day, Derek was just beginning his play time of calling people and texting and I was always one of them. At night I am used to receiving at least some type of communication effort from him... and now, it has stopped. And while I am sitting here awake and thinking, I realize that I am not able to call or text him like I always would if up during the night. A constantence of my life has stopped and that alone makes a different in my evenings regardless of who or what it is about. Being it is the constant reminder that I have a brother that has stopped, makes it the worst. But at least I now realize one of the many, I'm sure, reasons my nights have turned into nightmares. And although it saddened me to realize this while driving, and bringing it to reality gave my heart one more deep stab, I can only feel that it is something that is going to help me through these nights right now. At least I am starting to understand one thing about all of this. Even if it is just the understanding of what my mind is doing at night, that's one down. I just pray that I will soon be able to grasp even more things and find a true understanding in them. If anyway possible of doing this, I think I can once again become myself. No, I will never be the same person I don't think without my brother being here, but I can still be the person that he always loved and be the person he always talked about to other people. I can still be me but with a new perspective on what life really is about and hopefully not take the small things in life for granted whether it be that hug I was needing so badly from mom last night, the butterfly that seems to keep swarming around your face although you've swatted it away 10 times already, the rainbow in the sky, or even a shooting star. Each and every day I am going to find something to be positive about and something to appreciate. It's time to appreciate what life is really about and not what it's all cracked up to be. About the person you are, and the people you love, not the things you want and the things you have. Think about it... what good does it do "keepin up with Joneses" if the Joneses aren't going to be there forever? Yes I know... that is a good point. Very proud of just coming up with that one off the top of my head! :)
So, lessons learned today: Slowly, Derek is showing me a way to live with him in a different way. He is showing me a way to love him the same as I always did, just in a different way. And he is showing me that there is a way to find peace and understanding in all of this. It may take longer than I wish, but I have faith that he has a reason behind it all... including when he decides is the best timing for the many life lessons he is about to embark me through for the rest of my life. Besides, Derek always pushed me to be a stronger person... he was convinced that if he pushed me to be stronger, then one day I would actually look at myself and believe it too. I believe he is going to keep his word on it! :)
Let me go on next by saying that Trenton was the sweetest little thing today! He got right up, got himself dressed fully (this is a never!!! Picture me normally dressing him while he is still sound asleep laying in the bed.. having to tap on either leg to let him know to raise it to put his sock on, or to put that leg in his jeans, and the same with his feet. I think the only physical part of getting dressed for Trent in the mornings is when I have to have him sit up so I can put his shirt on him but even then, as soon as he feel it come over his head, he instantly falls backwards onto the pill and back to sleep before you can blink an eye), brushed his teeth, and then even stood there for 5 minutes just brushing with water convincing me that he was doing an extra good job at "polishing" his teeth. Then he took it upon himself to wet and comb his hair, although I did have to do a few minor adjustments since he decided to do like I do with it and put some gel in it except instead of a nickel sized amount, I would say he used a half dollar sized amount and then proceeded with combing it straight back. He is convinced that "cool kids" wear their hair gelled and combed back and that it makes him look like a biker dude... I think of the greasers from the outsiders, so now Trent himself calls it the greaser look. :) And even after doing everything to help me out on a tight schedule this morning, he managed to stop dead in his tracks while walking through the kitchen, turn around, run up to me and give me one of the biggest hugs ever! If the hug wasn't enough to already fix my moment of blahness, he then continued to tell me how good of a job I do at driving a stick shift while going down the road. Now, if more men could just be so considerate and determined to let the women in their lives know they are amazed at what they can do, this world would be a better place! At least for us girls it would be! Luckily, I have not only Trenton who does this for me, but David too. :)
After all my sweetness from Trenton, and then being totally stressed out in class today trying to get caught up, Trenton asked if he could stay with his Nana tonight so he could help take care of her. Bless his heart... when he called to ask her, he said "Hello Nana, this is Trenton. Do you care if I stay the night with you tonight? Mommy said I have to ask you and it is whatever you want, but I really do want to come take care of you tonight so can you make it what I want too? I promise I will be a good boy Nana because I know you are upset about D but I love him too Nana and won't act ugly." Of course, she said yes! So Trent is with Mom tonight... God love him! He is just the sweetest thing sometimes! Even trying to describe him the best I can, it still does no justice for who he truly is and what he is really like in person. To really get the full effect of Trenton, you have to hear his soft little voice saying it. And when you do if you haven't already, you will then understand why everyone melts like butter when it comes to him. Lets just hope he never realizes he has these powers over everyone in his life! Haha!
As soon as I got home from visiting mom, my blahness came back into effect yet again. Not sad. Not happy. Not anything. Just blah. I was convinced that a good pair of high heels, a little make up, some sparkly dangle earrings, and a fancy top would cure this blahness. It did! I got as fixed up as possible without looking out of place (seriously.. you don't want to go overboard and look like you're trying to go to prom or anything with it! lol), and David, my friend Stacy and her boyfriend Jon and I went to Bowling Green to eat at Olive Garden. Oh my gosh was it good! I am not sure how I manage to do it, and it's only there... but I seriously think I could out eat a grown man in that place. Actually, I do every time. I out do David when it comes to eating there and that is a big accomplishment considering he will eat, eat, eat, and then eat some more no matter where we are. With it being my favorite place to eat, I guess that has a lot to do with it also! But even though the heels perked me up, and I was with good company, enjoying good food, I still thought about my brother. The last time I flew up to see him by myself, my last night there Derek and I went and ate at Olive Garden. I always get the Parmesan crusted tilapia, but when he ordered Lasagna that night, I went with the same for myself. We both ate until we were almost sick that night... I remember it so clear that I remember the drinks the girls in the booth across from us were ordering and how Derek cracked up and started with his jokes about how big the glasses were and how little the girls were.... and now that I think about it, I enjoyed dinner tonight along with the thoughts of my brother instead of making myself upset over the memory I was reliving about him. Another accomplishment for me today. Again, at least I am able to be thankful for these memories today and not hate the hurt I feel when thinking about him. I did it. I was able to think of my brother and smile! And more than once today!
Lately I've been complaining that nights are my worst.. and they truly are but I never realized why it gets worst at night than in the day until the car ride home while ago. For one, driving his car around keeps him on my mind while I am in it, so to be going down the interstate so miserably full that neither David nor I had the energy to keep a conversation going, all it did was allow me to think about Derek even more. I have originally been thinking that my nights are the worst because it is when everything slows down. Trenton is in bed and not running around and keeping me occupied, and all of the other errands and people have slowed down and stopped for the day too, leaving me here and unable to sleep with a mind racing and just thinking even more. But on the way home tonight while driving on the parkway that seemed to stretch 100 miles instead of the 14 it really does, it dawned on me why nights are so bad. Nights are when I talked to Derek. He worked night shift at ESPN... sometimes from 4 pm - 4 am... so what was considered my night, was his day. Even though my phone had already stopped ringing for the day, Derek was just beginning his play time of calling people and texting and I was always one of them. At night I am used to receiving at least some type of communication effort from him... and now, it has stopped. And while I am sitting here awake and thinking, I realize that I am not able to call or text him like I always would if up during the night. A constantence of my life has stopped and that alone makes a different in my evenings regardless of who or what it is about. Being it is the constant reminder that I have a brother that has stopped, makes it the worst. But at least I now realize one of the many, I'm sure, reasons my nights have turned into nightmares. And although it saddened me to realize this while driving, and bringing it to reality gave my heart one more deep stab, I can only feel that it is something that is going to help me through these nights right now. At least I am starting to understand one thing about all of this. Even if it is just the understanding of what my mind is doing at night, that's one down. I just pray that I will soon be able to grasp even more things and find a true understanding in them. If anyway possible of doing this, I think I can once again become myself. No, I will never be the same person I don't think without my brother being here, but I can still be the person that he always loved and be the person he always talked about to other people. I can still be me but with a new perspective on what life really is about and hopefully not take the small things in life for granted whether it be that hug I was needing so badly from mom last night, the butterfly that seems to keep swarming around your face although you've swatted it away 10 times already, the rainbow in the sky, or even a shooting star. Each and every day I am going to find something to be positive about and something to appreciate. It's time to appreciate what life is really about and not what it's all cracked up to be. About the person you are, and the people you love, not the things you want and the things you have. Think about it... what good does it do "keepin up with Joneses" if the Joneses aren't going to be there forever? Yes I know... that is a good point. Very proud of just coming up with that one off the top of my head! :)
So, lessons learned today: Slowly, Derek is showing me a way to live with him in a different way. He is showing me a way to love him the same as I always did, just in a different way. And he is showing me that there is a way to find peace and understanding in all of this. It may take longer than I wish, but I have faith that he has a reason behind it all... including when he decides is the best timing for the many life lessons he is about to embark me through for the rest of my life. Besides, Derek always pushed me to be a stronger person... he was convinced that if he pushed me to be stronger, then one day I would actually look at myself and believe it too. I believe he is going to keep his word on it! :)
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Peelin out and hopscotchin
Today. Whew! Where to start? It's definitely been a day... not to say good or bad per say, but it's been a day for sure!
To start this off let me first say that as soon as my feet his the floor this morning, I was not in the best of moods. I dreamed some crazy stuff all night last night and didn't sleep worth a hoot so I am not sure if that had something to do with me being mad at the world starting at 6:00 am today or not... But anyhoo! Although we were dang near close to be late for school this morning, Trenton and I did manage to have a good morning. I'm not really sure what it has always been about when it comes to Trenton but when it came to Derek and his cars, Trenton loved them. Every time he would find out that uncle D was coming to town he wanted to know if he was driving his Blue Mazda home? Then after the blue Mazda had a minor little boo-boo that no cosmetic surgery could fix along with turning into a paraplegic, D got his orange Hyundai Accent. Being that he bought the car here and drove it back home since Mr. blue decided to go blue for real on us, Trenton got to see it first thing and from there on out, every time Derek would announce a visit in store, Trenton wanted to know if D was driving his orange car home. Of course, D's orange car is home now.... which is nothing exciting to us being it's missing the most important part.... Derek. But leave it to Trenton, he is still amazed with Uncle D's car. I personally have the car right now and I have admit that it has been a difficult thing to get in it at first and drive it. As soon as I turned it on, Johnny Cash was in the CD player singing wide open out of the speakers. Derek always loved Johnny Cash. And of course to see a few items of his here and there left in it that I can't find it in myself to take out yet, it's just been a hard thing. A reminder of what all is going on I guess you could say? Thankfully, Trenton's excitement towards the car helps distract me from going into tunnel vision while driving in it. If you know me, and you know Trenton personally, you will know that there is nothing us two wont do together. I don't care what I have to do in order to get some excitement and a smile out of him, or how bad it embarrasses me, I am going to do it. Besides, you can't tell me you don't get the giggles yourself when you get embarrassed! I think that is just a given for everyone in life. Actually... scratch that. There are the few that just get mad at the world and act crazy all over being a little embarrassed. But you get my drift of where I was going! So Trenton and I were on the way to school and he was asking a million questions about when to change gears and how I know what gear to put it in and pretty much asked any other kind of question you cant imagine an 8 yr old asking. Notice: Can't imagine being the key words. He even asked me what kind of motor is has, what kind of exhaust, and for some strange reason asked me if it had tilt and cruise control! :) Little guy just cracks me up! In the middle of my car trivia about D's car that I had no answers for, Trenton and I had pulled up to the stop sign to turn onto the bypass to head towards school. As we sat there and waited for the oncoming traffic to pass, Trenton had asked me if I knew how to burn rubber. I actually hesitated before answering because I didn't want him to get any kind of ideas from me.. :) So I managed to muster up a small fib and say "No, actually I have no idea how to burn out." No sooner than I said that, the coast was clear and apparently for longer than I had realized because the car behind me had started to get irritated and honk at me. Naturally, what do you do? You kinda gun it to take off just to get them off your backside... no pun intended! Ha! Maybe it's where I am used to the cavalier that for real has no "go" to it at all and it is an automatic, so when I kinda gunned D's car, and add the thought of the rain coming down and the roads being semi-swamped with dirty water, I got nowhere. I just sat in one spot for what seemed like 30 seconds just peeling out. I honestly kinda freaked over it thinking I was going to get pulled over or something if the wrong person saw me do that, not to mention the giggles kicked in because I had embarrassed myself to the drivers around me, and when I heard Trenton saying ,"WHOOOHOOO! Burn Baby Burn! Oh My Gosh D, did you see that!! Mama is driving your car like she is drag racing!", I was laughing so hard, I literally thought I was going to have to pull over to calm down before trying to finish our route to school all while smelling the fumes of the tires left on the pavement behind me, and somehow not doing apparently what i needed to be doing and it causing us to hopscotch across the intersection. Yes, hopscotching is what I am going to call it. Ever seen someone driving a stick shift and the car looks like its jerking and bunny hopping at the same time? HA!! Yes? That was me and Trenton this morning after getting tore up that I actually burned some rubber! Sad part is.. I really do know how to drive a stick... but this morning, you would have never known it if you could have seen us hopping across the 2 lanes of traffic! lol I have even gotten tickled at the thought of him saying that while typing this. Yes, this ended up being a good part of my day! For one, any kind of memory with Trenton is worth it. And second, it reminded me of Derek teaching me how to drive a stick. He thought he was going to be slick and get me on a hill since I had been doing so well on the regular roads and really test me out. Well he got me on the hill, and all I did on that hill was sit in one spot and peel out. Forever. Seriously. To the point that the only thing Derek could say to me was, "STOP! STOP!" and while he was yelling stop at me, I was just looking at him dieing laughing which then led to a response from him of "No Seriously! STOP!" Oh gosh how we have laughed at that story so many times over the past few years! Of course it was one of those stories to where you really had to be in the car with us to get the true effect of what was really going on and in order to really get it, you would have just had to see my brother's face and him freaking out. Derek never freaked out. Ever. So when he did, it was comical to me. Always!
Unfortunately, after mine and Trenton's mini peel out session this morning, within 5 minutes he was walking in the doors to school, and I was on my way back home. I honestly think at times that if he wouldn't miss out on having all of his friends, and all of the activities and functions to look forward to such as prom, or graduation and all of the other fun things in between, I would seriously home school him. There are mornings that it literally just eats me alive to make him go to school because I just want to spend as much time as I can with him. But being I will never home school him for these reasons, theschool show must go on! I was actually in a decent mood on the way to the house listening to my brother's Cd's and thinking of him. It was almost like I could see him sitting beside of me and asking me what I thought about this song and how I interpreted it. His music is a comforter in me right now yet at the same time, it makes me extremely sad. And with that being said, then you will not be surprised to know that when I got home, I was just in a raw funk all day. Between the rain and darkness outside, and me thinking of Derek, I have not been in the best of moods today. And on top of feeling this way starting at 7:30 am officially, as the day went on, I wasn't looking anymore forward to what was coming next.
At 3:30 today, my brother was officially laid to rest. And although I had prayed to him to ask God to hold off on the rain long enough to get through it at the cemetery, after his service, I was proud to know it was raining. Our preacher had mentioned something I wrote on the funeral homes page to Derek saying how he was the reason I smiled on rainy days. And as he went on with his service in honor of Derek, he mentioned that to be laid to rest on a rainy day means to be showered with love and a renewal of life. For the first time in my life I think, I was proud to be sitting under a canopy tent in the rain while my curls shrunk and got even curlier. It truly did turn out to be a beautiful service for him despite the weather. And another thing that hit home with my during his service was the fact that while the preacher was talking about my smiles on rainy days, and it being a renewal of life for it to be happening right that moment for Derek, he also mentioned that after every storm comes peace. And after every storm comes the sun. And after every storm comes the rainbow. When he said that, I'm not quite sure if it was Derek secretly whispering it to me in my ear or what, but for a moment, I felt as if everything is going to be all right. That there will be peace at the end of this, and one day I will again be able to think about my brother and smile from ear to ear the same as he always done for me, instead of thinking about him and crying until the tears are no longer there. After today, I know it will be possible.
After the service, Trenton was invited to go visit with his Papa Bob for a while so mom and I went to eat at Colton's. Much need one on one time for each of us with the right person. While Mom and I sat there and cut into our steaks, we talked but then again, we didn't. With the way Derek has been on my mind, I can not imagine how he has been on hers and between the two of us together, it is very obvious that we are both having some trouble with this. Although we talked about all sorts of different things, and tried to keep ourselves occupied to keep from getting upset, it was like we were talking about nothing. I'm not sure if that really makes any sense to you, and maybe it does. But if you had been a fly on the wall, you would know what I am referring to by saying that. I tried to keep the conversation going, and if I have to TRY then you know something is really going on. Kacie NEVER has to try to talk... most of the time I have to force myself to stop. But as I kept what I could of what you would call a conversation going, all I could do was look at Mama, and just feel so sorry for her. As she was buttering her roll, her hands were shaking and every time I looked at her face, I could just see the anguish in her eyes. Mom and I may bump heads a lot, but Mama is my go to lady! No matter what is going on in my life, she is there. Most of the time trying to fix it for me and to sit there and see her like she is, I just feel so helpless. I am not able to do what she has always done for me by assuring her everything will be okay. I myself can't admit that I believe everything is going to be okay, and I cant find it in myself to lie to her and tell her that. And if I could manage to spit the words out to her, she would think the same as me about it. And ever since our early dinner together today, I've had her on my mind heavy too. I normally receive tons of calls and texts from my mom everyday, and to not get them as much, it's strange to me. As bad as I may fuss about it at times, today it is what I have been wishing for. I myself have turned into her I believe because every little thing I could think of, or to say to her, I have called and called and sent a ton of texts to her. I can only imagine how alone she is feeling right now... she just buried her husband not even 2 years ago until April 10th.. and now Derek. I have Trenton and David around me and I still feel so lonely so I am sure it is more than likely a very unbearable feeling to her right now. And being there alone, and just thinking..... gosh! My 7 hours of alone time in the day make me want to check myself in somewhere at times, so can you imagine it being 24/7 of being alone and thinking? I think I am starting to realize why mom worries so much all the time... not just now, but always. A worry wort she is! You cant sit there alone every day nearly and not do anything but think.... and of course when thinking starts picking up, craziness just starts to get a little more crazy. I really need to come up with something big to show her how much I appreciate her and how much I truly love her with everything in me. Something to let her know she is not alone... and I want to figure this out fast.
Now, take everything I just mentioned about mom sitting at the dinner table and put my dad in that place except sitting in his house. When I look at him, I get the same feeling. His hands too, shake. A look in his eye is gone. And with him being a man, it worries me just as much simply because most of the time, men don't show their emotions and tend to bottle them up and hold them in, then making it a horrible thing for them when it does start to surface to the top to breathe for a while. I really hope that he can find a way to grieve what is right for him, and for him to remain okay during it all too. I have a quality about me that I myself feel is awful to have at times, but it is one that David swears is one of the reasons he loves me so much and one thing he would never in his life try to change about me. I feel sorry for everyone. I can be driving down the road and see an old person walking and feel sorry for them for hours afterwards to the point that I keep talking about them. When I watch a movie there is always something that happens that I think is pitiful and that makes me feel sorry for one of the characters to the point it will stay in my mind for days. Already feeling this way about things that do not amount a bit of hell to me in life bothers me to a point that I cant begin to describe it. So with seeing mom and dad this way, and feeling this way about them, it is eating me up. Derek and I always joked about how dysfunctional our family is and how it was even possible for me and him to turn out half way normal like we did.. and although we joked. We really did mean it at times. :) Now, we are not a normal family. We are missing a big piece of our family. And I think it's safe to say.. Derek and I were right. For the time being right now, we are all totally dysfunctional without him being here. Between seeing both of my parents today, and sitting around the house and thinking all day, I've never just wanted to hug either of them so much in my life. A hug... whats that huh? Normally, I am no hugger. If you hug me, I hug you back. But I have no initiative in me to walk up to anybody and hug them. If I ever do, please consider yourself a one in a million, and then go buy as many lottery tickets as possible to play for the big jackpot that evening, because I guarantee you it is your lucky day if I do! So with me just wanting to hug both of them and squeeze them to where I can't squeeze any harder, it's honestly bothered me that I am sitting on my couch tonight and not stopping be their houses to do just that. And even though I was with both of them this evening, and I did a quick hug goodbye to them, it's not the kind I want them to feel. Not the kind I want to give them right now. I was already at home when I started to really think about all of this, and naturally I didn't leave the house in this messy rain/ flash flood/ hurricane/ tornado we are trying to experience outside of our houses, assuming that I can just call or go by and see them tomorrow and do so. But now is where my mind really starts to get tricky on me.. as I sat her and convinced myself to let it go for tonight and that I was home and home to stay, my mind started saying "what if?"... and the truth is, we just don't ever know.
Now to put a finale onto this monster of a blog, I did manage to get all of my math homework caught up tonight. That alone was like taking the weight of an elephant standing on a thimble off my shoulders! I was really getting worried about my classes so with that being the one that I had the most make up work to do in, it feels great to know I am officially caught up and ready for class Monday morning! You would think with the excitement of getting that done and seeing how good it made me feel that I wouldn't have stopped there and just went ahead and started my portfolio paper or would have at least tried to study for my test tomorrow in order to keep myself up in good spirits even longer about my classwork right? No. And I will tell you why... first, no idea what my test is over. No idea at all! So... not sure how that one is going to go and maybe the teacher will be understanding and let me do it Monday or something... either way, I'm chancing it. And another reason I decided not to.. for the first time in my life I watched Shawshank Redemption. Holy Snickers! I can not believe I have let a movie that freaking good go by so long without me ever stopping to watch it. I loved it! And yes, it was definitely one of those movies I was referring to in an earlier paragraph that makes me feel sorry for the characters. So now, you can only imagine me already feeling sorry that way for mom and dad, and now add the pitifulness I feel in me over the movie. I literally am just a ball of emotions that is running on never ending batteries. I've always wished I had the drive in me to go, go, go all the time.. but, I never meant for it to be just in my mind. Back to the most famous quote about me... "I am my own worst enemy". And for one last final thing to say.... and yes I promise I will make this the last! :) I find it completely strange when I see how people act when someone passes away. No, not how they grieve or anything like that. But for the ones who really were never there. Ever. Okay so you knew him when you were 12.. and you only saw him once or twice a year then. And since we've all gotten older, you have been non-existent but then you go and start calling him bubba? And acting as if you are having the worst time in your life right now due to all of this happening. You never talked to him before... never thought about him when he was here. And you sure as hell never called him "Bubba". And no I don't mean this like people saying "he was like a brother to me"... no. This is totally different. I just can't help but hear and see these things being said and wonder about the persons true sincerity in it. Honestly, it makes me feel as if you want to join in on a pity party and if that is the case, that you want attention so bad in life that you run after things like this... man you have some problems! I don't want these emotions. I wish I could still say that I never knew what it feels like. But, forever I will know now. If none of this had happened to my brother, I would not be feeling this way which I wish more than anything it would be the way was and not what it is now. People that do this "bubba" stuff chase after anyone that they've ever even heard their name. Small town people.. we hear names all the time but that doesn't mean I am going to go flailing myself and acting a fool because they passed away when I did not even know them like that. I for real can not stand attention whores! Oh gosh they eat me up to the core! And to use my brother as your inspiration to get some apparently much needed attention in your life... that is sick. He was nobodies bubba... not even mine. Just my brother and my best friend, D-worm to some, D-murder to most, Uncle D to the eyes of the kid who thought the sun set in him, and Derek to the ones who loved him most. And with that off of my chest, I shall do you all a favor, and end this blog! Hopefully soon, my days will start to have more perky moments in them such as my now famous to Trenton, peel out moment in D's car this morning, and hopefully then my blogs will get a little more exciting to you. So until tomorrow night when it is time to blog and exercise the demons in my mind, we both will just have to wait and see what tomorrow hold for me. And not to forget, you too!
To start this off let me first say that as soon as my feet his the floor this morning, I was not in the best of moods. I dreamed some crazy stuff all night last night and didn't sleep worth a hoot so I am not sure if that had something to do with me being mad at the world starting at 6:00 am today or not... But anyhoo! Although we were dang near close to be late for school this morning, Trenton and I did manage to have a good morning. I'm not really sure what it has always been about when it comes to Trenton but when it came to Derek and his cars, Trenton loved them. Every time he would find out that uncle D was coming to town he wanted to know if he was driving his Blue Mazda home? Then after the blue Mazda had a minor little boo-boo that no cosmetic surgery could fix along with turning into a paraplegic, D got his orange Hyundai Accent. Being that he bought the car here and drove it back home since Mr. blue decided to go blue for real on us, Trenton got to see it first thing and from there on out, every time Derek would announce a visit in store, Trenton wanted to know if D was driving his orange car home. Of course, D's orange car is home now.... which is nothing exciting to us being it's missing the most important part.... Derek. But leave it to Trenton, he is still amazed with Uncle D's car. I personally have the car right now and I have admit that it has been a difficult thing to get in it at first and drive it. As soon as I turned it on, Johnny Cash was in the CD player singing wide open out of the speakers. Derek always loved Johnny Cash. And of course to see a few items of his here and there left in it that I can't find it in myself to take out yet, it's just been a hard thing. A reminder of what all is going on I guess you could say? Thankfully, Trenton's excitement towards the car helps distract me from going into tunnel vision while driving in it. If you know me, and you know Trenton personally, you will know that there is nothing us two wont do together. I don't care what I have to do in order to get some excitement and a smile out of him, or how bad it embarrasses me, I am going to do it. Besides, you can't tell me you don't get the giggles yourself when you get embarrassed! I think that is just a given for everyone in life. Actually... scratch that. There are the few that just get mad at the world and act crazy all over being a little embarrassed. But you get my drift of where I was going! So Trenton and I were on the way to school and he was asking a million questions about when to change gears and how I know what gear to put it in and pretty much asked any other kind of question you cant imagine an 8 yr old asking. Notice: Can't imagine being the key words. He even asked me what kind of motor is has, what kind of exhaust, and for some strange reason asked me if it had tilt and cruise control! :) Little guy just cracks me up! In the middle of my car trivia about D's car that I had no answers for, Trenton and I had pulled up to the stop sign to turn onto the bypass to head towards school. As we sat there and waited for the oncoming traffic to pass, Trenton had asked me if I knew how to burn rubber. I actually hesitated before answering because I didn't want him to get any kind of ideas from me.. :) So I managed to muster up a small fib and say "No, actually I have no idea how to burn out." No sooner than I said that, the coast was clear and apparently for longer than I had realized because the car behind me had started to get irritated and honk at me. Naturally, what do you do? You kinda gun it to take off just to get them off your backside... no pun intended! Ha! Maybe it's where I am used to the cavalier that for real has no "go" to it at all and it is an automatic, so when I kinda gunned D's car, and add the thought of the rain coming down and the roads being semi-swamped with dirty water, I got nowhere. I just sat in one spot for what seemed like 30 seconds just peeling out. I honestly kinda freaked over it thinking I was going to get pulled over or something if the wrong person saw me do that, not to mention the giggles kicked in because I had embarrassed myself to the drivers around me, and when I heard Trenton saying ,"WHOOOHOOO! Burn Baby Burn! Oh My Gosh D, did you see that!! Mama is driving your car like she is drag racing!", I was laughing so hard, I literally thought I was going to have to pull over to calm down before trying to finish our route to school all while smelling the fumes of the tires left on the pavement behind me, and somehow not doing apparently what i needed to be doing and it causing us to hopscotch across the intersection. Yes, hopscotching is what I am going to call it. Ever seen someone driving a stick shift and the car looks like its jerking and bunny hopping at the same time? HA!! Yes? That was me and Trenton this morning after getting tore up that I actually burned some rubber! Sad part is.. I really do know how to drive a stick... but this morning, you would have never known it if you could have seen us hopping across the 2 lanes of traffic! lol I have even gotten tickled at the thought of him saying that while typing this. Yes, this ended up being a good part of my day! For one, any kind of memory with Trenton is worth it. And second, it reminded me of Derek teaching me how to drive a stick. He thought he was going to be slick and get me on a hill since I had been doing so well on the regular roads and really test me out. Well he got me on the hill, and all I did on that hill was sit in one spot and peel out. Forever. Seriously. To the point that the only thing Derek could say to me was, "STOP! STOP!" and while he was yelling stop at me, I was just looking at him dieing laughing which then led to a response from him of "No Seriously! STOP!" Oh gosh how we have laughed at that story so many times over the past few years! Of course it was one of those stories to where you really had to be in the car with us to get the true effect of what was really going on and in order to really get it, you would have just had to see my brother's face and him freaking out. Derek never freaked out. Ever. So when he did, it was comical to me. Always!
Unfortunately, after mine and Trenton's mini peel out session this morning, within 5 minutes he was walking in the doors to school, and I was on my way back home. I honestly think at times that if he wouldn't miss out on having all of his friends, and all of the activities and functions to look forward to such as prom, or graduation and all of the other fun things in between, I would seriously home school him. There are mornings that it literally just eats me alive to make him go to school because I just want to spend as much time as I can with him. But being I will never home school him for these reasons, the
At 3:30 today, my brother was officially laid to rest. And although I had prayed to him to ask God to hold off on the rain long enough to get through it at the cemetery, after his service, I was proud to know it was raining. Our preacher had mentioned something I wrote on the funeral homes page to Derek saying how he was the reason I smiled on rainy days. And as he went on with his service in honor of Derek, he mentioned that to be laid to rest on a rainy day means to be showered with love and a renewal of life. For the first time in my life I think, I was proud to be sitting under a canopy tent in the rain while my curls shrunk and got even curlier. It truly did turn out to be a beautiful service for him despite the weather. And another thing that hit home with my during his service was the fact that while the preacher was talking about my smiles on rainy days, and it being a renewal of life for it to be happening right that moment for Derek, he also mentioned that after every storm comes peace. And after every storm comes the sun. And after every storm comes the rainbow. When he said that, I'm not quite sure if it was Derek secretly whispering it to me in my ear or what, but for a moment, I felt as if everything is going to be all right. That there will be peace at the end of this, and one day I will again be able to think about my brother and smile from ear to ear the same as he always done for me, instead of thinking about him and crying until the tears are no longer there. After today, I know it will be possible.
After the service, Trenton was invited to go visit with his Papa Bob for a while so mom and I went to eat at Colton's. Much need one on one time for each of us with the right person. While Mom and I sat there and cut into our steaks, we talked but then again, we didn't. With the way Derek has been on my mind, I can not imagine how he has been on hers and between the two of us together, it is very obvious that we are both having some trouble with this. Although we talked about all sorts of different things, and tried to keep ourselves occupied to keep from getting upset, it was like we were talking about nothing. I'm not sure if that really makes any sense to you, and maybe it does. But if you had been a fly on the wall, you would know what I am referring to by saying that. I tried to keep the conversation going, and if I have to TRY then you know something is really going on. Kacie NEVER has to try to talk... most of the time I have to force myself to stop. But as I kept what I could of what you would call a conversation going, all I could do was look at Mama, and just feel so sorry for her. As she was buttering her roll, her hands were shaking and every time I looked at her face, I could just see the anguish in her eyes. Mom and I may bump heads a lot, but Mama is my go to lady! No matter what is going on in my life, she is there. Most of the time trying to fix it for me and to sit there and see her like she is, I just feel so helpless. I am not able to do what she has always done for me by assuring her everything will be okay. I myself can't admit that I believe everything is going to be okay, and I cant find it in myself to lie to her and tell her that. And if I could manage to spit the words out to her, she would think the same as me about it. And ever since our early dinner together today, I've had her on my mind heavy too. I normally receive tons of calls and texts from my mom everyday, and to not get them as much, it's strange to me. As bad as I may fuss about it at times, today it is what I have been wishing for. I myself have turned into her I believe because every little thing I could think of, or to say to her, I have called and called and sent a ton of texts to her. I can only imagine how alone she is feeling right now... she just buried her husband not even 2 years ago until April 10th.. and now Derek. I have Trenton and David around me and I still feel so lonely so I am sure it is more than likely a very unbearable feeling to her right now. And being there alone, and just thinking..... gosh! My 7 hours of alone time in the day make me want to check myself in somewhere at times, so can you imagine it being 24/7 of being alone and thinking? I think I am starting to realize why mom worries so much all the time... not just now, but always. A worry wort she is! You cant sit there alone every day nearly and not do anything but think.... and of course when thinking starts picking up, craziness just starts to get a little more crazy. I really need to come up with something big to show her how much I appreciate her and how much I truly love her with everything in me. Something to let her know she is not alone... and I want to figure this out fast.
Now, take everything I just mentioned about mom sitting at the dinner table and put my dad in that place except sitting in his house. When I look at him, I get the same feeling. His hands too, shake. A look in his eye is gone. And with him being a man, it worries me just as much simply because most of the time, men don't show their emotions and tend to bottle them up and hold them in, then making it a horrible thing for them when it does start to surface to the top to breathe for a while. I really hope that he can find a way to grieve what is right for him, and for him to remain okay during it all too. I have a quality about me that I myself feel is awful to have at times, but it is one that David swears is one of the reasons he loves me so much and one thing he would never in his life try to change about me. I feel sorry for everyone. I can be driving down the road and see an old person walking and feel sorry for them for hours afterwards to the point that I keep talking about them. When I watch a movie there is always something that happens that I think is pitiful and that makes me feel sorry for one of the characters to the point it will stay in my mind for days. Already feeling this way about things that do not amount a bit of hell to me in life bothers me to a point that I cant begin to describe it. So with seeing mom and dad this way, and feeling this way about them, it is eating me up. Derek and I always joked about how dysfunctional our family is and how it was even possible for me and him to turn out half way normal like we did.. and although we joked. We really did mean it at times. :) Now, we are not a normal family. We are missing a big piece of our family. And I think it's safe to say.. Derek and I were right. For the time being right now, we are all totally dysfunctional without him being here. Between seeing both of my parents today, and sitting around the house and thinking all day, I've never just wanted to hug either of them so much in my life. A hug... whats that huh? Normally, I am no hugger. If you hug me, I hug you back. But I have no initiative in me to walk up to anybody and hug them. If I ever do, please consider yourself a one in a million, and then go buy as many lottery tickets as possible to play for the big jackpot that evening, because I guarantee you it is your lucky day if I do! So with me just wanting to hug both of them and squeeze them to where I can't squeeze any harder, it's honestly bothered me that I am sitting on my couch tonight and not stopping be their houses to do just that. And even though I was with both of them this evening, and I did a quick hug goodbye to them, it's not the kind I want them to feel. Not the kind I want to give them right now. I was already at home when I started to really think about all of this, and naturally I didn't leave the house in this messy rain/ flash flood/ hurricane/ tornado we are trying to experience outside of our houses, assuming that I can just call or go by and see them tomorrow and do so. But now is where my mind really starts to get tricky on me.. as I sat her and convinced myself to let it go for tonight and that I was home and home to stay, my mind started saying "what if?"... and the truth is, we just don't ever know.
Now to put a finale onto this monster of a blog, I did manage to get all of my math homework caught up tonight. That alone was like taking the weight of an elephant standing on a thimble off my shoulders! I was really getting worried about my classes so with that being the one that I had the most make up work to do in, it feels great to know I am officially caught up and ready for class Monday morning! You would think with the excitement of getting that done and seeing how good it made me feel that I wouldn't have stopped there and just went ahead and started my portfolio paper or would have at least tried to study for my test tomorrow in order to keep myself up in good spirits even longer about my classwork right? No. And I will tell you why... first, no idea what my test is over. No idea at all! So... not sure how that one is going to go and maybe the teacher will be understanding and let me do it Monday or something... either way, I'm chancing it. And another reason I decided not to.. for the first time in my life I watched Shawshank Redemption. Holy Snickers! I can not believe I have let a movie that freaking good go by so long without me ever stopping to watch it. I loved it! And yes, it was definitely one of those movies I was referring to in an earlier paragraph that makes me feel sorry for the characters. So now, you can only imagine me already feeling sorry that way for mom and dad, and now add the pitifulness I feel in me over the movie. I literally am just a ball of emotions that is running on never ending batteries. I've always wished I had the drive in me to go, go, go all the time.. but, I never meant for it to be just in my mind. Back to the most famous quote about me... "I am my own worst enemy". And for one last final thing to say.... and yes I promise I will make this the last! :) I find it completely strange when I see how people act when someone passes away. No, not how they grieve or anything like that. But for the ones who really were never there. Ever. Okay so you knew him when you were 12.. and you only saw him once or twice a year then. And since we've all gotten older, you have been non-existent but then you go and start calling him bubba? And acting as if you are having the worst time in your life right now due to all of this happening. You never talked to him before... never thought about him when he was here. And you sure as hell never called him "Bubba". And no I don't mean this like people saying "he was like a brother to me"... no. This is totally different. I just can't help but hear and see these things being said and wonder about the persons true sincerity in it. Honestly, it makes me feel as if you want to join in on a pity party and if that is the case, that you want attention so bad in life that you run after things like this... man you have some problems! I don't want these emotions. I wish I could still say that I never knew what it feels like. But, forever I will know now. If none of this had happened to my brother, I would not be feeling this way which I wish more than anything it would be the way was and not what it is now. People that do this "bubba" stuff chase after anyone that they've ever even heard their name. Small town people.. we hear names all the time but that doesn't mean I am going to go flailing myself and acting a fool because they passed away when I did not even know them like that. I for real can not stand attention whores! Oh gosh they eat me up to the core! And to use my brother as your inspiration to get some apparently much needed attention in your life... that is sick. He was nobodies bubba... not even mine. Just my brother and my best friend, D-worm to some, D-murder to most, Uncle D to the eyes of the kid who thought the sun set in him, and Derek to the ones who loved him most. And with that off of my chest, I shall do you all a favor, and end this blog! Hopefully soon, my days will start to have more perky moments in them such as my now famous to Trenton, peel out moment in D's car this morning, and hopefully then my blogs will get a little more exciting to you. So until tomorrow night when it is time to blog and exercise the demons in my mind, we both will just have to wait and see what tomorrow hold for me. And not to forget, you too!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)